Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / What's Your Flexibility Quotient?

Transcript

What's Your Flexibility Quotient? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everybody, and welcome to the Doctor's Psych Mom Show.
• 0:08
  Today I'm going to be talking about what's your flexibility
• 0:11
  quotient. And this is not a not a thing,
• 0:15
  it's just a way that I found in discussions in my secret group,
• 0:20
  which I actually mentioned in my most recent subscriber episode,
• 0:23
  how healthy couples age well together.
• 0:26
  I mentioned there was this discussion and I had posted
• 0:28
  What's your flexibility quotient?
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  Which was something that I had made-up on the spot because as
• 0:33
  you know, something that I associate and I've seen in
• 0:38
  practice is is predictive of a successful relationship is how
• 0:43
  flexible and open minded the partners are.
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  And so I thought about a way to conceptualize this and since I
• 0:50
  am no longer in academia, it will end here, but at least for
• 0:56
  now. But you know, I I thought about
• 0:59
  what components you know, operationally, concretely really
• 1:03
  would go into something like a flexibility quotient right to
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  which is not quotient in the mathematical sense, you know,
• 1:10
  but just the the the characteristic.
• 1:13
  So there's multiple definitions of quotient.
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  Somebody in the group thought it was just kind of a mathematical
• 1:19
  you know the answer and I guess a division problem, right?
• 1:23
  Isn't that right? Don't remember.
• 1:26
  But but it also means, you know, just basically a trade or do you
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  have this thing or how much of how much of something do you
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  have? So anyway, first of all like
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  what do I why do I think rather that open mindedness is so
• 1:40
  predictive of a successful relationship?
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  Well, honestly, what do you have to do in order to be happily
• 1:46
  married? You have to empathize with each
• 1:48
  other. You have to take each other's
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  perspective. Like, that's not a that's not an
• 1:51
  option not to do that. And you can't just be happily
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  married. But, like, you don't really kind
• 1:58
  of give a shit what the other person thinks about or how they
• 2:01
  think, and you never put yourself in their shoes.
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  That's just, like, not possible. That's as silly, honestly, as
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  when women say I could be a loving wife, except they just
• 2:09
  never have to touch him. Ever.
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  It's that's just one part of love.
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  And so I could be a loving wife. I just, you know, never ever
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  touch him. First they start saying, of
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  course you could be a loving wife without sex, which of
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  course, I disagree with. But like, you know, at least
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  there's kind of a popular media, you know, leg to stand on with
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  that one because, you know, sex is supposed to be so gross in
• 2:31
  our culture. But but then I'm like, OK, cool,
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  right? Like, all right, But, so, so,
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  like, let's shelve that. But how much are you touching?
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  Oh, well, you know, I'm not a touchy person.
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  So you're not a sex person and you're not a touch person.
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  So, I mean, I mean, you kid, I it's like I always say, like,
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  can you be a parent to a baby or a toddler without touching them?
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  A good parent? No, of course not.
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  The only person who could be a Good Wife without touching
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  somebody is somebody whose husband doesn't live with her.
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  You know, if he's, like, deployed or if he's in prison.
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  But the minute that his ass comes back, if you're not
• 3:08
  touching him, then you're not a good partner.
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  Unless of course the both of you are asexual or both of you don't
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  like touch. I'm talking about the
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  traditional situation where the person, the man at least wants
• 3:17
  touch, right Anyway moving forward.
• 3:21
  So any so the flexibility quotient.
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  So the first thing that I thought about with this is how
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  much do you really do stuff that you don't want to do?
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  So sometimes, you know, people think because, you know, you
• 3:39
  could refer back to my podcast, The Cult of Boundaries and
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  Preferences. Sometimes people think you're
• 3:44
  never supposed to do really anything you don't want to do,
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  especially not in a love relationship.
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  And that could not be further from the truth, obviously.
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  Can you imagine if you did that as a parent, if you, like,
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  didn't do anything you didn't want to do?
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  Like, do you want to cook them dinner?
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  No, certainly not. Not all the time, at least.
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  You know, I mean, I cook every night.
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  Do I want to do that? Do I have a great yearning to do
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  that? Sometimes it's great.
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  Overall, I'm proud of myself for doing it.
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  It's a value. But do I like, literally, like
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  want to all the time? No, No.
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  You know, why? Like, do you, what did you want
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  to do? Bath time every night?
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  Bath time with two small children in a tub is like really
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  like annoying, you know? And you get wet and you got to
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  bend down. And I had like calluses on my
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  knees from that for because I was doing it for so many years
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  straight with three kids under, under 3 1/2 and then basically
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  until I had three kids under, I don't know, some other larger
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  number they were bathing together.
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  It's like a whole thing. You want to do that?
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  No. Do you have to do it?
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  Yes. You know, so it's the same kind
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  of thing. So when people don't do things
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  they don't want to do, then they're a pretty shitty partner
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  because definitionally you're not going to always want to do
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  the same things at the same time.
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  So if some reason that means to you that you're going against
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  your core sense of of self and you can never eat a different
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  cuisine, or you can never watch a different show or you can
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  never have sex when you're not in the mood or like anything,
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  then how good of a partner are you really going to be?
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  So in my flexibility quotient, I said rate yourself one to 10
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  along all of these domains and this one was the first one.
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  How often do you do things that you don't want to do?
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  Now the reality is, is that this is not meant to, you know, to to
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  be in the dysfunctional realm. This is like more of a trait.
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  So like, certainly if you're incredibly codependent and you
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  never have any idea what you want to do in the 1st place
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  which renders the question invalid, or like you constantly,
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  you know, like only do things that you don't want to do, then
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  yes, of course you could say that that would be dysfunctional
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  too. But this isn't for that.
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  It isn't for a codependent sort of situation.
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  This is for like how much do you get outside your comfort zone
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  and do stuff that you don't want to do with 10 being like, yeah,
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  that's like an easy thing for me to do.
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  And something that, you know, I, I even I even pride myself on,
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  which many people do pride themselves on being able to to
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  to roll with stuff. And there's a specific version
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  of rolling with stuff that it's going to that I'm going to
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  address later that actually somebody in the group
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  recommended that I add to the flexibility quotient and then I
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  did. So what is next?
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  So the next one is when When do you, how do you act about
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  talking about things that you don't want to talk about or new
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  ideas? So how do you do when, like, for
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  example, somebody brings something up that you know is
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  outside your comfort zone? How do you do when your husband
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  talks about sex? If you don't necessarily like to
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  talk about sex, how do you do when your wife talks about
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  emotions? If you don't necessarily like to
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  talk about emotions, how good are you with being open minded
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  to the discussion of new ideas? Because this is a key key
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  component and I'm sure that that's kind of self-explanatory,
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  but I will explain it anyway in case it's not.
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  You have to be able to talk about stuff you don't want to
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  talk about within an intimate relationship for it to be
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  successful, because you're not always going to want to talk
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  about what's important to your partner.
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  So a new idea would be something like, you know, I think that we
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  should start going to church for a couple, let's say that doesn't
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  go to church, right. So are you somebody that's just
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  going to be like, what are you talking about?
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  That's not who we are. I don't want to discuss that.
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  That's ridiculous. You know, many people do
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  honestly respond like that to the idea of something new.
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  And those are the people who end up locked in marital conflict,
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  people who cannot discuss new ideas.
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  Because as I constantly say, part of being in a happy
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  marriage is understanding that people change and grow and
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  evolve constantly. And so let's say in this
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  hypothetical example I just made-up, the woman decided that
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  she wants to return to going to church like she did when she was
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  young. And it's important to her
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  because she wants a or she realizes the kids aren't being
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  raised religious and she feels that's a problem.
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  Well, if she if he just literally won't even talk about
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  it, then they're definitely going to be in marital conflict.
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  Am I saying he has to agree? No, but he's got to talk about
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  it because somebody that doesn't agree, as long as they're not a
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  Dick about it, and you can have a discussion, you can usually
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  come to some kind of a compromise.
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  Or at the very least you can have an open discussion where
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  you both respect each other's perspectives and then maybe 1
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  decides to do it, 1 decides not to do it.
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  Things can go a range of different ways, right?
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  But the most open minded person would say, oh, that's
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  interesting. Why do you want to do that?
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  That's surprising. You know, we don't do that.
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  So what what? What have you been thinking
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  about? Much the same, honestly as a
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  friend would. Because if you said to a friend
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  I'm thinking about starting to go back to church with my kids,
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  they wouldn't be like, what the fuck's wrong with you?
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  That's a stupid idea, right? I mean like a friend would never
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  say that, yet a a partner would be more likely to say that
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  because they feel somehow that their identity being yoked to
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  their partner that their identity is, is under siege and
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  that they have to immediately, you know, batten down the
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  hatches because some changes coming that could potentially
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  change them. And if they are a more close
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  minded person, then they will not even want, they will not
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  even be able to tolerate this new idea.
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  All right. So that would be another one
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  that you would rate 1 to 10 in your flexibility quotient.
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  It's going to have four parts, right?
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  As you saw in the description. The next one is the ability to
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  say you're wrong. So this is huge in couples
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  counseling. So many people come in and they
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  say my partner can't say they're wrong.
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  Usually when we talk about it, neither one of them can say
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  they're wrong. One of them has been saying, all
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  right, I'm sorry, is that what you want?
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  Is that what you want to hear? You happy?
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  You happy? I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
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  I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry.
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  Right. And the other person refuses to
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  say it at all. So obviously it's a race to the
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  bottom or the other person says something like, well, maybe I
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  would say I was sorry if you weren't such an asshole, right.
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  So you know, it's it's, it's bad, bad scene altogether.
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  So ability to say you're wrong. Some people could do it at work
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  but not at home. Or some people could do it with
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  the kids but not with the spouse.
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  People who are very good at this are very good with people
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  because there's nothing that other people like more than, you
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  know, somebody who's humble, right?
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  Honestly, You know. And if if you're not humble and
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  you can't admit that you're wrong, this is like the number
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  one thing. I work with a lot of CEOs.
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  They're like great at this. They love it.
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  They love to be wrong because like an opportunity to show that
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  they could say they're wrong, which is something they have
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  been trained to do and coached to do and they know is like a
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  hallmark of making people love you is admitting when you're
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  wrong. So these guys are very easy to
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  work with, honestly, a lot of the time in session because
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  they're just waiting to be coached and to be to say I
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  didn't think of it like that, you know.
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  And these are the ones who don't have to be told to say good
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  point sometimes they have to be told to say good point to their
• 10:46
  wife. But they definitely know to say
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  it in session and at work. And I have the whole thing about
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  two words that could make your, you know, life better is if you
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  say good point, you know, to your wife and conflict.
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  But anyway, so this is the whole thing is can you say that you're
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  wrong? If so your spouse is going to
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  love you a lot more, I'll tell you that.
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  All right. And the last one that was that
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  was added in that was suggested by a group member, a loyal group
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  member that I'm giving a shout out to right now.
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  Thank you group member, you know who you are and who's a very
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  smart person and said what about this one of, of the ability to
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  be flexible when plans change, right.
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  And so then I added that in because that is very, very
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  important. As you go through life with
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  somebody, things aren't always going to go the way that you
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  want them to go. And so how are you with
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  spontaneous changes to plan? So some people could be good at
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  all the other three, but then they are very bad with with a
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  plan changing midstream and usually this is related to
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  anxiety and a home where a change as these are all, I'll
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  get to this in a SEC. But these are all related to how
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  you were brought up obviously, because that's how you learn how
• 12:01
  to interact. But either way some people could
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  be really good at saying they're wrong and really good at talking
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  about new ideas, you know, and really good at being you know,
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  doing stuff they don't want to do.
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  But once they have the plan, they they are said and if
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  somebody fucks with the plan, even unintentionally, they get
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  really, really anxious. You could see some moms are like
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  this. When the kids get sick, they
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  don't blame the kid for being sick, but they are like
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  massively anxious because the whole schedule has to change.
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  Or like even there's a lot of women who like shoot themselves
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  in the foot with this and men can be super rigid too.
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  But so, but I'm talking about women right now because I see
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  this specific example frequently is the woman wants the guy to
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  plan a date and she wants him to be more romantic.
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  He tries to plan a date and she says, no, no, we can't because
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  don't you, you know, remember, like, you know, I said that we
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  should go grocery shopping at that time or I said that the
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  kids have to do this at that time.
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  Or, you know, we have this on the calendar and he's like, man,
• 12:55
  though we have everything on the calendar for the next 5 weeks,
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  How could I possibly find a free night?
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  And she's like, well, you could have got there earlier before
• 13:02
  there was something on the calendar.
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  Well, I mean if the calendar is is planned assiduously four
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  weeks out at all times, then no, it's not really reasonable to
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  expect somebody to plan a date, you know, seven weeks prior
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  unless we're talking about a birthday or something, you know.
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  So in those regards, the person self sabotages because they want
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  a romantic partner who takes charge, but their anxiety makes
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  them over plan, right? And of course plan.
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  You know, it's like everything else, it's got to be moderate.
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  Do I think that two people, specifically parents should
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  never plan And obviously that would be a chaotic, horrible
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  environment and many people plan compulsively in reaction to
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  having parents who under planned, you know, like adult
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  children of Alcoholics. Like the mother had nothing on
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  the calendar. There was no calendar, She was
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  laying around drinking. And so now they have their kids
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  schedules planned to within an inch of their lives at all
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  times. And that's a trauma response,
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  right? So in this regard, can you roll
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  with the plans changing? Can you just say, OK, cool.
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  And sometimes, honestly, if you just talk to people about how
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  they wish their kid would respond one day to plans that
• 14:14
  have to change and what are they modeling, then they could really
• 14:17
  use that as a motivator for growth in this area.
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  Because like, let's say your car breaks down.
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  Do you want your kid to literally feel like they want to
• 14:25
  die and have an immediate panic attack?
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  Or would you want them to say, OK, we couldn't have predicted
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  this? I guess we won't do XI.
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  Guess we'll just call AAA, you know?
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  All right, OK, that's what we're going to do.
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  That's fine. Everybody wants the kid who
• 14:38
  rolls with it. Everybody knows that kid will be
• 14:40
  a more successful, happy adult. But in if you want to make that
• 14:43
  kid, you can't be the person who bursts into tears and who
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  starts, you know, ruminating and hyperventilating about the thing
• 14:49
  that you're going to miss, you know?
• 14:51
  And so some people honestly can do the crisis a lot better than
• 14:54
  they could just do change of plans.
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  So some people could do the car breaking down because they kind
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  of know that that's like a Seminole moment and the kids are
• 15:01
  watching how you're going to act.
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  But if a kid wants to bring, like, a friend to something
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  where you weren't planning to bring a friend or the husband
• 15:09
  has to like, you know, do work at a time you didn't think he
• 15:13
  was going to do work or something, that freaks you out
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  more. And then the kid is watching you
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  there, too. So all of these things as I
• 15:20
  promised I would conclude, but all of these things are related
• 15:22
  to how you were raised in your family growing up.
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  So if you had a very close minded family in any of these
• 15:28
  regards, well by the way just to sum up there, you would rate
• 15:31
  yourself one to 10 in all of those four dimension dimensions
• 15:36
  and or domains and then you would get your score.
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  And as I said in the group, if you're close to a 40 you're you
• 15:43
  know, then you're awesome. And if you're close to a zero,
• 15:45
  then your spouse is a St. just of course just a joke.
• 15:48
  But you know you you got to kind of it's a helpful way to
• 15:52
  conceive of whether or not you are somebody who is flexible and
• 15:55
  open minded. And now back to the family of
• 15:58
  origin. If you saw parents who are
• 16:00
  hysterical anytime something changed, who couldn't get side,
• 16:03
  get outside their own head, who only thought about things one
• 16:07
  certain way and everybody else was wrong and stupid.
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  You know, who like could never do anything that they didn't
• 16:14
  want to do and fought endlessly in a power struggle with the
• 16:18
  other spouse over what they were going to do at any given moment
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  or the larger, you know direction that the family was
• 16:25
  going to go in at any time, then it's going to be really hard for
• 16:28
  you to be flexible. And therapy can help.
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  This is like a major thing that therapy can help with is
• 16:33
  challenging. Some of these cognitive
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  distortions that you have about how difficult, intolerable,
• 16:39
  upsetting, unfair, etcetera it is to, you know, have to go
• 16:44
  outside your own comfort zone and have to do things that you
• 16:47
  don't want to do or entertain ideas you don't want to
• 16:50
  entertain or roll with things that you wish didn't happen,
• 16:53
  didn't change. Therapy can be super, super
• 16:56
  useful in this regard. And of course, you know, the
• 16:58
  better you are at all of these things, the better your
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  relationships are going to go, not just with your spouse, but
• 17:04
  with your kids and with your friends and at work.
• 17:06
  And the the truth of the matter is, is that nobody was ever too
• 17:10
  open minded. Open minded doesn't mean like
• 17:13
  you, you can't figure out a path to take.
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  That's like a common common misconception is if you're open
• 17:19
  minded then you're just so open minded your brain falls out.
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  That's like a a saying right? But that's not true.
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  You should and can be able to think from within anybodies
• 17:29
  perspective. It's so funny.
• 17:31
  Like people will watch like murder documentaries and like
• 17:33
  really be able to identify and empathize with this like let's
• 17:36
  say abused kid. They're always abused.
• 17:38
  Kids that grow up into a murderer, they'll really be able
• 17:41
  to empathize with this person and then their husband will be
• 17:43
  like, you know I have to work an extra hour on Saturday and
• 17:46
  they'll be like, I just cannot understand you.
• 17:48
  I just cannot understand a person with your priorities.
• 17:51
  I'm like, man, you, you just understood like a murderer, you
• 17:53
  know you can't understand that this man's anxious wants to work
• 17:56
  another hour like Jesus Christ. So the point being that
• 18:01
  everybody should. There is no downside to being
• 18:04
  able to talk about any idea, to think about anybody's
• 18:09
  perspective and to be able to roll with unavoidable changes,
• 18:13
  right? There are no downsides to any of
• 18:15
  those, right? And of course, saying that
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  you're wrong goes without saying that That is, you know, a a a
• 18:21
  very big positive. And it's actually a large thing
• 18:24
  that that adult children become estranged from their parents
• 18:27
  over as they remember that the parent could never say they were
• 18:30
  wrong and could never ever deal with an idea that was different
• 18:33
  than their own. So even if you're just doing it
• 18:35
  for your kids, even if you want to think about this, then then
• 18:38
  that would be a protective factor against later conflict.
• 18:42
  All right, Hope you guys found this little thing interesting.
• 18:44
  And my next episode is going to be about working men.
• 18:49
  Younger working men are getting the same shit that stay at home
• 18:53
  moms used to get, which I think's a pretty interesting one
• 18:55
  that's still going to be free and then the one after that'll
• 18:57
  be paid. So please do subscribe and I'll
• 19:00
  talk to everybody soon. Have a great day guys.