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The Goal-Setting Trap: Why ADHD Moms Are Stuck in a Failure Cycle | 027 · Quick Wins for ADHD Moms - Short Episodes, Real Solutions for Burnout and Overwhelm

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Well, we are quickly heading into the new year.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: And it feels like this time of year, we're always like, what's your goal?
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: What's your news?
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: What's your new year's resolution?
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: What are you going to do?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Who are you going to become?
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like this pressure point, right?
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: So let's just forget about that for a moment.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: We don't need to worry about that.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe we just need to reframe our thinking around that.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: So here's today's quick win.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: You're not going to set an outcome goal.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm going to lose 30 pounds in the next 30 days.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, we're going to reframe this.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: And our quick win is that we're going to focus on the process, not the outcome.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: And so what does that actually look like?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Well, when we have this big, huge, massive goal, it's exciting and it's fun.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: And we're like, yes, we can do this.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: And then each day goes by and we realize that's a huge commitment.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not sure if I'm going to make it.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because we look at these big, huge goals and we forget that we have to break them down into small little micro pieces, right?
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: We've talked about this before about breaking things down into micro tasks.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's kind of the same thing with these big, huge goals, is that we we have to break them down into really small tasks.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: And at the end of the day, we don't need to be focused on the outcome.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: What if we spent our time focusing on the process, the becoming, and not so much on the outcome?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: So what would that look like?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: So let's say, for example, all right, well, we want to lose 10 pounds in the next three months or one month.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: One month is, I don't know if that's healthy.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: But let's say we want to lose 10 pounds.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: All right, instead of focusing on, okay, 10 pounds.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then you get on the scale every morning and you're like, oh, I haven't lost anything.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, it's Christmas.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: I ate too many cookies and I just gained too much.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of that, let's take a softer approach.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Let's take a micro approach, process approach.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And let's break it down into what does that look like on a daily basis?
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Also, instead of, you know, I want to lose 10 pounds, let's think about I want to be healthier, I want to eat healthier.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: So someone who is 10 pounds less than me, what does their day look like?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Someone who's more healthy, who's stronger, what do they do that I need to align my life with?
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: And it comes down to the process, right?
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of I'm just gonna learn, I'm just gonna grit my teeth and and not eat for days.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's that's not a plan.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: That's planning to fail.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: So what do those people do?
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: They they read magazines that are all about healthy eating.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: They're in groups online that talk about here's where I'm struggling, and oh yeah, I struggle with that.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: But then I, you know, had greens at three o'clock in the afternoon and it helped with my cravings.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: And so they're in this group and they're learning the process.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: You're learning the process to help get you to where you want to go.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it breaks it down into daily things that you just learn, learn and grow.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: So, what are the micro tasks you need to add to your day to help embrace that new process that's going to get you to your big, huge goal that you eventually want to go to?
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: These small little anchors, these small tiny actions that you can take even on a hard day, because if it can't be done on a bad day, it's not really an anchor, right?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: You need something that even on your worst day, you can at least walk around the house for five minutes.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: You can at least cook eggs for breakfast.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: You can at least have a heart-boiled egg.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: You can at least show up and do a two-minute devotion.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to have an hour of devotions a day, just two minutes.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: You showed up, you're working on the process.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: And there's things too in our brain that we need to reframe.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like if I can't do it perfectly, then I'm not gonna do it all.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Or it's this all or nothing thinking.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's definitely something I struggle with is I'm either all in or forget it.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's not gonna be perfect.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna show up, forget it, I'm done.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then it's this yo-yo thing in your brain.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: So if if I can't do it perfectly, it's okay.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: That means maybe I need to break it down a little bit smaller.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: This idea of if I but if I miss a day, then I've completely failed.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Nah.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: If you miss a day, you get back up.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: You get back up, you do it again.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Momentum is still momentum.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: So why does traditional goal setting fail our ADHD brains?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's because we are more interest-based, not priority-based.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: So we're not motivated because something is important.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: We're motivated because something's interesting or something's urgent.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: And when that goal is months and months and months away, it's not really urgent.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: And these goals trigger that all or nothing thinking, the perfectionism.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: We get time blindness, we have task avoidance.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Not because you didn't care about the big goal, but because it became overwhelming.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: You cared too much, and now it feels too big that we can't sustain it.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: And we assume that we are the problem.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, maybe a little bit we're the problem.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: But let's reframe that.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: We know where we are now.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Who is the person that we want to become?
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: What do they look like?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: What do they do on a daily basis?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: How do they learn and grow?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: What are their habits?
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Probably less TV watching and scrolling through Instagram.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, probably more doing the things they love, working on their process, painting, photographing, yoga-ing, I don't know, serving at church, walking more.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: These are little tiny daily habits, microhabits that they're doing because they're focused on the process, not an end goal.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: So, what direction do you want your life to move in right now?
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: What do you want that to look like?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then what are those tiny anchors that you can do, repeated on a daily basis, that you can do even if it's a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day?
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: We don't want rigid plans.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: We need flexible plans.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: So even if you don't do a 30-minute workout, you're still stretching.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you don't cook dinner, you're still eating simply.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: And even if you miss a day, you can restart without any punishment or guilt.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: So if this idea of goal setting just feels really heavy and big and you're excited about it, but you know the past years haven't been that great, it's not because you didn't want to do it.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's because the systems you've been using hasn't worked before and you're still figuring that out, and that's okay.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just here to remind you that maybe it's not focusing on that big, huge goal.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's focusing on small little wins that you can do that will eventually help you become the person you want to be.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: So choose the process over perfection.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I hope that made sense.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I'm rambling today, and this is definitely um the doing the process, showing up and recording a podcast instead of trying to figure out how to make it perfect.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's certainly not perfect.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: My ideas are messy.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but my goal is to just show up and connect with you, and hopefully you got something a little bit out of this.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: We've got some really good interviews coming up, so I am working on those, and I'm very excited to be sharing those with you.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to connect with us, you can find us at theadhdmom.com.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: All right, I know you're busy, mama.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Go out and have a wonderful day.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: We'll catch up uh in a few weeks or whenever you have a chance to listen again.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: Have a beautiful day.