Latest / Questionable Detour / Scaring kids with a fat man in a tub, wearing human skin to scare your grandma, and dying on the Oregon trail.

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Scaring kids with a fat man in a tub, wearing human skin to scare your grandma, and dying on the Oregon trail. · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here?
0:06
But first we're gonna make a little detour.
0:10
So absurd, so questionable.
0:13
I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:16
Expect the detour.
0:25
I think we need to talk about the most relevant thing here is your immune system and like
0:31
thereof.
0:32
Do we need to like do a commercial for him?
0:34
Like a Sarah McGoughen?
0:35
Just put him out in the woods, slow motion camera on him in the arms of an angel playing
0:42
in the background and we ask people to give money to Alan's lack of immune system.
0:46
Me just sitting on the ground just shivering.
0:49
Just cold.
0:51
Send him a blanket.
0:53
For context, Alan's sick right now.
0:55
Not feeling great.
0:56
Not feeling good.
0:57
His voice sounds like a jazz band singer, which is really the only benefit out of this.
1:02
You look terrible.
1:03
Thank you.
1:04
And for five cents a day you can pay for this man's treatment.
1:09
We could ask him for money.
1:10
We could ask people for money.
1:12
But if we're, I would say if we're gonna do that, let's not stop at five cents.
1:17
You're worth more than that?
1:18
I think we can do better than that.
1:20
How much are you worth?
1:21
How much is your sickness worth?
1:22
Every one of our listeners will just, just send me a crisp 20.
1:27
You think you're worth a crisp 20?
1:28
Like from everybody?
1:29
Yeah.
1:30
Yeah.
1:31
All of our listeners mail me in a crisp 20.
1:33
Don't Venmo.
1:34
I don't like that.
1:35
I like to like to feel the Christmas, the dollar bill.
1:37
Do you want us to collect it and then drop it off like it's a mafia drop?
1:42
Like in a suitcase, you just open it and like, here's your cut.
1:45
What do you do with the thousands of dollars?
1:47
If every, if, if every one of our listeners send in a 20 dollar, we would have thousands
1:53
of dollars, right?
1:54
Millions.
1:55
We'd have so much money.
1:56
What would you do with all that money?
1:57
We'd wreck the economy.
1:58
We'd have all of it.
1:59
We wouldn't do anything with it.
2:00
Just be here.
2:01
I think I'd probably just get a switch or something.
2:03
Yeah.
2:04
It's like a Nintendo switch.
2:05
Just a Nintendo switch.
2:06
Yeah.
2:07
Nintendo.
2:08
I think it meant like get a stick out of the backyard.
2:09
Oh, those are free though.
2:12
Maybe we could pay for the, the very high production value commercial that we set up for you.
2:17
I can't wait to see that.
2:19
Hopefully, hopefully we'll get a good shots of me looking ill.
2:23
Uh, the black rings around your eyes in gray scale.
2:27
Yeah.
2:28
Great.
2:29
Yeah.
2:30
The black and white.
2:31
We can have me walk out to the nearby gutter and just lay in it.
2:35
They're going to wonder if this is a commercial for homeless people or sick people.
2:39
Yeah, we're not going to specify.
2:41
It's just going to have a very sad song and then a prompt to send money.
2:45
So Sarah McLaughlin's got that, got that market cornered with her song.
2:48
What song do we use for my commercial?
2:50
Oh, we're not going to use Sarah McLaughlin's thing.
2:52
Oh, I, I figured that was, that was too easy.
2:55
Oh, okay.
2:56
Um, yeah, we don't want to be, we don't want to be easy on this.
2:58
We don't make this as hard as possible.
3:00
My Immortal by Evanescence would be a great song for you.
3:03
Maybe, maybe you can put on some eyeliner while you sick.
3:08
I don't know if a lot of people know what that song is.
3:10
I'm not, I'm not sure.
3:11
Yeah.
3:12
I mean, yeah, I will put it over anyway.
3:13
I can do the, for $20 a day, you can feed and maybe resolve the illness of this young
3:19
but fragile man.
3:21
What the illness is, we're not sure.
3:23
Young, sexy, just, hot.
3:26
Vero.
3:27
Vero.
3:28
It turns into like a, it turns into like a fragrance, like commercial, and it just goes
3:36
from you being sick to you just rock hard abs.
3:41
Me with a crudely drawn six pack.
3:44
Figure this out by like an above ground pool.
3:47
Just like flex.
3:48
You're still sick looking, like you still have like the rings around your eyes.
3:52
And we go from just like talking sadly to like Armani Gucci.
3:59
Freak it's for men.
4:02
And then we switched back to this ad commercial.
4:03
It's a roller coaster of emotion.
4:05
You're back under a porch.
4:09
Wrapped in a blanket.
4:10
You're kicked by homeless people.
4:13
Start off sad, get really sensual.
4:18
And then get back to sad again.
4:20
That's all my bedroom encounters.
4:25
I would give so much money to the roller coaster of emotion.
4:28
Like, you don't know, well, you don't know what you're going to feel next.
4:31
That's just, that's just good filmmaking.
4:33
Yeah.
4:34
Draw the people in.
4:35
Don't let them, don't let them know what's next.
4:37
And then at the end, it's a we buy houses, cheap ad.
4:41
And then it turns into an ad for F1 racing.
4:46
People are like, are these different commercials?
4:47
No, it's just all you in each of the scenes.
4:49
He only had so much time to get out six ads.
4:52
Yeah.
4:53
We're like, we have so many ads, but we don't have, we didn't pay the studio enough time.
4:57
We're just going to do them all at once.
4:58
We're going to do them all at once.
4:59
It's efficient.
5:00
Do you feel like a man knowing that your immune system is not very strong?
5:05
I feel like a man that went on the Oregon trail and didn't quite make it to Oregon because
5:14
he died of dysentery.
5:16
That's kind of the man that I feel like right now.
5:18
I killed you many times in the Oregon trail game.
5:21
Well, now you're just a crudely put together cross under a tree and your wife and your
5:30
three kids, she's going to remarry.
5:32
Like your wife and three kids are sad.
5:33
Yeah, now there's a shopping mall over your grave somewhere.
5:37
Oklahoma city.
5:40
I only made it to Oklahoma city.
5:44
I was open to make it a little bit further.
5:46
Your immune system is weak.
5:49
You went quick.
5:50
It was a cold.
5:51
It was just a cold.
5:52
It was one cough.
5:53
It was one cough and you fell into a six foot hole.
5:56
I made it a good seven days.
5:59
I bet you were hyped for the trip too.
6:02
You were like, Katie, we're going to make it.
6:05
Oh, I was so excited.
6:06
We're going to live for ourselves out there in Oregon.
6:07
You stepped one foot outside, fell right down.
6:10
They had bread that made it further than you.
6:13
Hey, I'm glad the miracle of modern medicine is keeping you alive right now.
6:19
Things, yeah.
6:20
You're basically a guy connected to a machine that's just pumping air into you.
6:24
Yeah, every couple hours I just take a pill and I'm not quite sure what it does.
6:28
I just take a pill.
6:30
Just don't go near any wagons.
6:32
Just stay away from any covered wagon.
6:34
Oh man.
6:35
How long are you planning on being sick?
6:37
Is this something that you're just going to, this is going to be your personality from
6:40
now on or like?
6:41
How long are you going to mow this?
6:44
I was kind of doing a soft pitch for my new victim personality.
6:49
I kind of don't like it though.
6:52
People will care for you for a couple of days, but eventually they're kind of like, this
6:55
is kind of a chore.
6:56
Let's put this horse down.
6:58
Let's just go put him out of his misery.
7:00
Take you out on the back and pop you.
7:01
I kind of don't think I'm going to continue with the new victim persona.
7:05
I think I'm going to go back to just being just standard Alan.
7:09
Okay.
7:10
I mean, that's, that's sad enough.
7:11
It's yeah.
7:12
Yeah.
7:13
You got plenty of people that feel bad enough for you.
7:22
Normal me requires, you know, requires people to feel sorry for me anyways.
7:26
Yeah.
7:27
Yeah.
7:28
Okay.
7:29
It's a good place to end that.
7:30
Welcome to questionable detour.
7:31
Let's get into a very special holiday hypothetical.
7:35
Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract purely hypothetical question?
7:40
I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
7:44
Well, that's a hypothetical question.
7:46
All right.
7:47
So we're coming up on the week of Halloween.
7:50
So for our hypothetical this week, uh, we're going to make that a little spooky themed.
7:54
So, um, our hypothetical is how would you scare the kids that come to your house for
7:58
Halloween?
7:59
And this is just to make sure it's clear.
8:02
This is different from how you scare kids normally at your house every other day.
8:07
Then this is Halloween themed.
8:09
Well, I'll go first.
8:10
Uh, you know, kids come knock on my door trick or treat.
8:13
They yell, I open the door.
8:14
I have a fat guy in a tub.
8:16
Is that a big tub?
8:21
He's squished in there.
8:22
We tried butter.
8:23
It now he's just smells like baked bread.
8:26
It's very hot in my house.
8:28
No air conditioning.
8:29
Yeah.
8:30
A fat guy in a tub, small tub, water in it.
8:32
Those kids come up.
8:33
I opened the door.
8:34
The guy's right there.
8:35
He's, he's just right there.
8:37
Just enough so the door can open.
8:38
And I come out of the side.
8:39
I'm like, y'all want some candy?
8:41
And then I get my bucket and I dip that bucket in the water filled with a fat guy and they
8:46
get a bucket of, they get a bucket of yeast water.
8:49
Like there's candy in it.
8:53
You got to not specify.
8:56
No, you said that.
8:57
Okay.
8:58
There's candy in the water.
9:00
Okay.
9:01
With the fat guy.
9:02
I do think it overshadows the candy.
9:05
They get the candy.
9:07
It's Halloween.
9:08
Of course they get candy.
9:09
They just get a fat guy.
9:10
They get it from a, a tub full of a fat guy.
9:13
Okay.
9:14
And you know, he, he might say, you know, it's Halloween themed.
9:17
He puts a little Batman mask on, but that's the only thing he has on.
9:21
This is an audio medium.
9:23
So I'm just trying to picture what this fat guy looks like in this tub.
9:26
Does he have like a role situation that drapes over the tub?
9:29
Yeah.
9:30
He's a fat guy.
9:31
Like my 600 pound life fat guy.
9:32
Like if I don't have enough candy, I'm like, listen, Terry, pull up, let's pull up that
9:36
love handle.
9:37
See if you got a full size snicker in there.
9:38
And he does.
9:39
He's fat.
9:40
It's a little melted though.
9:41
The kid, the kids unwrap it.
9:42
It gets messy.
9:43
You know, I imagine the temperature in between in between those, those roles is, is, creates
9:47
diamonds between the pressure and the heat of those roles.
9:53
You might as well become a jewelry store at that point.
10:00
Forget K K jewelers come to Terry's fat roll jewels.
10:03
Terry's fat roll jewels.
10:05
So you're taking a lot of water out with these bucket scoops.
10:08
Obviously.
10:09
Are you replenishing the water overnight or is it by the end of it, you're kind of just
10:12
scooping the bottom of the barrel.
10:13
Well, he's sweating a lot.
10:14
So, oh, gross.
10:16
So he's kind of making his own water.
10:18
Really?
10:19
It's a self sufficient business idea.
10:21
It's not a business idea.
10:22
I mean, that was going to be my next question is why?
10:27
I don't think, I don't think you can make money from it.
10:29
I think it's just kind of a festive idea.
10:31
I've come up for Halloween.
10:32
It's scary.
10:33
I mean, what does this teach the kid?
10:35
I don't know.
10:36
Health that maybe they're not going to wait that candy after they see Terry who is diabetic.
10:42
I mean, die, die, die.
10:45
Yeah.
10:46
He puts the die in diabetic.
10:48
So it's kind of like a, it's your Halloween decoration is a cautionary tale.
10:53
It's a life lesson.
10:54
I think.
10:55
I mean, think about it.
10:56
You, you come up to my house expecting a Snickers.
10:58
You unwrap that Snickers.
11:00
You're not thinking about anything else other than fat Terry in the bathtub of Zach's house.
11:04
Yeah.
11:05
It's a very long title.
11:06
You have to say the whole thing when you talk about them.
11:08
Fat Terry in the bathtub at Zach's house.
11:10
Okay.
11:11
Yeah.
11:12
The kids not eating that.
11:13
The kids like, you know what, mom, can I have an apple?
11:16
It's Terry's relationship to you.
11:19
He just a roommate or what?
11:21
He's like a Halloween decoration.
11:22
I put him up, I pull him down from the attic in October, you know, poor Terry, Terry doesn't
11:35
care.
11:36
How does he stay in that thick?
11:37
Yeah.
11:38
You would think in the summer months he'd be sweating off some of that weight.
11:43
I have water damage in my floor.
11:45
Yeah.
11:46
This stuff's coming through the ceiling.
11:47
Yeah.
11:48
People are like, you got a leak.
11:49
Yeah.
11:50
It's like your air conditioner is overflowing.
11:51
And you're like, when he breathes, it sounds like an air conditioner.
11:55
Oh, he's like, but you know, I pulled down the pumpkins and the skeletons and the big
12:01
old spiders and bring down Terry.
12:04
You and Chelsea are getting down the pumpkins and all the other decorations.
12:07
And then if we get kind of Terry duck tucked away in the back corner, you're like, I feel
12:10
like something's missing.
12:11
What are we missing?
12:12
You just, you hear a, you hear a, I'm like, oh yeah.
12:15
I think you missed, you forgot Terry.
12:19
Put them behind the suitcases.
12:20
Terry, what are you doing back there?
12:22
We drop them down the stairs.
12:24
So he's hitting every one of those stairs in the bathtub.
12:26
His man boobs bouncing up and down.
12:28
And it's like, it turns into like a episode of Baywatch as he bounces down the stairs.
12:32
Just fat rolls.
12:34
Oh man.
12:35
Oh man.
12:36
I want a nay watch.
12:37
I will not be like nay.
12:41
I will be watching this.
12:43
He turned into a Shakespearean play writer.
12:45
Like, Hey Evan, do you want to come watch Terry go down the stairs?
12:50
Nay.
12:51
Nay I shan't.
12:52
I shan't.
12:53
For God must smile upon me when I die.
12:56
My honor compels me.
13:00
But Terry loves it.
13:01
He's a, and I don't only bring him down for Halloween.
13:03
Oh, okay.
13:04
He's a, he's a, he's a, um, multi-purpose Christmas decoration.
13:09
He's a great Santa Claus.
13:10
He's not a functioning Santa Claus, right?
13:12
He just is a decoration.
13:14
Not like people come and sit on his lap.
13:15
He is functioning.
13:16
His heart is not functioning as well as it should.
13:19
Right.
13:20
Mostly because it's having to pump through all of that fat.
13:23
It's having to do the work of three hearts.
13:25
Yeah.
13:26
That's very tough.
13:27
And he cannot fill his legs because of the diabetes and because his legs are wedged in
13:32
that bathtub.
13:33
Every year I'm like, this might be the year Terry's not living.
13:38
I go up there, I'm like, am I going to have to dig a hole in the backyard?
13:43
A big hole.
13:44
It's going to be a really big hole.
13:45
People are going to be like, are you putting in an in-ground swimming pool?
13:46
I'm like, no, Terry died.
13:48
Got to get my bobcat out.
13:50
My backhoe.
13:51
Oh man.
13:52
Yeah.
13:53
We're, we're trying today.
13:57
Terry kicks the bucket.
13:58
You got to get him back up in the attic.
14:00
Series of levers and might and willpower, you know?
14:04
Just got a winch up there in the attic.
14:06
I think that the Terry winch hang it to the bathtub.
14:11
We use a Jeep.
14:12
It looks like a Jeep commercial.
14:15
We use that winch on the front of that Jeep and just nothing.
14:18
Nothing says you should buy a Jeep more than the fact that you can lift a 600 pound man
14:23
up into an attic.
14:24
Yeah.
14:25
Why does that Jeep take advantage of that?
14:26
Don't ask me.
14:27
I'm not in the marketing department.
14:28
Jeep, if you're listening, hire me.
14:29
I will, I will market your product in a way that you never thought you should market it.
14:37
People will remember your commercials.
14:39
Never knew you wanted.
14:40
He'll be there.
14:41
Yeah.
14:42
But you know, fat guy in a tub.
14:45
That's what I came up with right then.
14:46
So that's good.
14:47
I, you know, I thought it was cool.
14:48
I thought it was a calling thing.
14:49
You know, I like it.
14:50
I like it.
14:51
It's unique.
14:52
I'll give you that.
14:53
It's unique and it'll scare the kids.
14:55
And really you want to win a neighborhood decoration contest.
14:58
Just put a fat guy in a tub.
15:00
I think you'll have kids having to decide between if they want to go to your house or
15:05
to the haunted corn maze and get chased by a chainsaw, a guy with chainsaw, you know?
15:08
Yeah.
15:09
Cause they're like, I don't know which is scarier, Terry or the chainsaw.
15:12
The fun thing is we take Terry to the haunted corn maze, just drag him through it.
15:16
Oh, he loves that.
15:17
I'm sure.
15:18
Just getting slapped by, slapped by socks of corn.
15:21
He's having hooked to the back of the Jeep.
15:25
Just tossing around the corn maze.
15:27
Ruins the maze.
15:30
Terry has a good time though.
15:32
Just laughing as he knocks kids out.
15:38
So um, what are y'all doing for Halloween to scare some kids?
15:42
For Halloween.
15:43
I like the idea of, and not just Halloween, but every holiday.
15:47
You want to scare kids at Christmas.
15:48
You want to scare kids for Easter.
15:52
And it's not just about scaring them, but it's about preparing them for the real world.
15:56
So when a kid comes up to my door and when they leave my door, I want them to feel like
16:01
they're prepared to go out and be an adult.
16:03
I've given them the tools necessary.
16:04
So what I do is instead of handing out candy and things that are going to ruin their teeth.
16:09
No, no, like Terry.
16:10
Yeah.
16:11
Give them a bunch of sugar and they all end up with diabetes.
16:13
I hand them W-2s.
16:14
I hand them job applications.
16:18
I hand them my tax returns from last year just to see this is what a successful adult
16:22
looks like.
16:23
And this is where you need to be.
16:25
I'll hand them pens and paper, college rule textbook, Manila Volders.
16:30
Yeah.
16:31
Just anything that kind of you would get in a corporate environment to make sure that
16:33
they know this is what life is really about and not this candy mumbo jumbo.
16:38
I mean, you think skeletons are scary.
16:41
Adult life is scarier.
16:42
It's worse.
16:43
It's worse.
16:44
Yeah.
16:45
I say, you like your summer breaks?
16:47
No more.
16:48
No summer breaks, no winter breaks.
16:51
You get, let's say maybe two weeks a year.
16:53
Maybe.
16:54
Maybe.
16:55
I mean, you walk into an office building and you look at the people that work in there,
16:57
they look like zombies anyway.
16:58
It's like a constant Halloween.
17:01
If you want kids running off of your porch, you say you're working from nine to five for
17:05
the next 30 years of your life until you can maybe retire.
17:10
Maybe by the time that you kids grow up, retirement age is probably going to get pushed back anyway.
17:13
Yeah, you're not going to be able to retire anyway.
17:15
There's like another 50 years.
17:16
So by the time social security may not even be a thing by the time you grow up.
17:21
By the time those kids get back to their house, they're going to have that horseshoe shaped
17:26
bald spot in their head.
17:27
It could be like stressing out, walk into hallways, just like, man, I'm going to pay
17:31
this bill.
17:32
It's going to be like, they get home like, dad, I'm really worried about this government
17:36
spending like Johnny, you're like seven years old.
17:39
What are you worried about that?
17:41
But dad, we're borrowing more than we're sitting on.
17:46
I was looking at the NASDAQ.
17:48
It says we're down 7%.
17:51
What's going on?
17:52
The state of this country, dad, is not where it needs to be.
17:55
Turn on Fox News.
17:57
We got to watch.
17:59
See what's going on.
18:01
They get a little armchair, little lazy boy.
18:04
They fall asleep in it.
18:07
I'm tuckered out from all the adult and I did today.
18:13
You know, they get on the playground at school the next day and all the kids are playing
18:17
on the jungle gym and stuff.
18:18
They're off to the side hitting on one of those old school calculators that they pull
18:22
the lever on the side and they're just like stressed out with their glasses at the end
18:27
of the note, just like ting ting, ting ting.
18:32
They're like, I can't, I can't balance this budget.
18:35
It doesn't make sense.
18:37
The numbers just don't add up.
18:39
Am I the only one worried about Antifa?
18:42
They're all worried about Ukraine and Russia.
18:46
They're like, how is this going to affect our economy?
18:49
Interest rates are high.
18:50
They're like, Johnny, this is a show and tell, man.
18:53
Just bring a piece of wood that you carved.
18:56
Like don't, you're depressing everybody.
18:58
Can't buy a house in this market.
19:01
Yeah, they're like talking to their dad.
19:04
They're like, dad, what are you, what are you doing to help increase the value of this
19:08
house?
19:09
You know, you know, there's a crack in the foundation that's going to take off about
19:11
20 grand.
19:12
It was last time you got this roof checked.
19:14
I see the shingles.
19:17
They're a little askew.
19:18
You know what I think this house needs?
19:20
Guttars.
19:21
You're going to ruin the foundation if you don't have the gutters.
19:26
Now, dad, I've been looking through our financial portfolio.
19:29
You and mom just aren't putting enough in.
19:33
Did your job match?
19:34
Did your job match your 401k?
19:36
He turns into Dave Ramsey.
19:40
Put your money in your mattress.
19:42
No credit cards.
19:43
I know you get points back, but it's not worth it.
19:47
You're not using those airline points.
19:50
You don't fly anywhere.
19:51
You and mom believe if you fly an airplane, you'll hit God's cankles.
19:56
They go around the car and like, you know, test the tires.
20:00
They kick the tires, see how full they are.
20:02
You treat it right.
20:03
It'll treat you right.
20:06
That's good.
20:07
That's scary.
20:08
Yeah.
20:09
Like, like deep fear.
20:10
The second secondary effect of it, like secondhand smoke, if you will, of this scenario is usually
20:15
the parents going to be in the background, you know, walking with the kid up to the door.
20:19
So when I hand them to the kid, the parents going to get a whiff of that secondhand.
20:24
Are you smoking in the house?
20:26
You're handing out cigarettes.
20:29
Well, it's a part of adult life.
20:31
You can buy cigarettes when you hit 18.
20:33
So I'm just preparing them for that.
20:35
Yeah.
20:36
It makes sense.
20:37
I'm just blowing smoke into all their faces, but the parents see me handing out all this
20:42
adult information to them and they get a small heart attack thinking, Oh, did I do my taxes
20:47
this year?
20:48
Oh my gosh.
20:49
You live around a lot of irresponsible people.
20:51
It sounds like that they have to ask if they did their taxes.
20:54
It's always good to make them think about it.
20:55
You live in a trailer park, don't you?
20:57
Don't worry about it.
20:59
Hey, that's scary.
21:02
Everybody who's an adult, which I hope is the most our listeners, they understand the
21:06
fear.
21:07
All right, Alan.
21:08
So when the kids come to my house, I want to make them work for their candy.
21:11
Nothing scarier than a little, been a little hard work, especially when something important
21:15
as important as candies on the line.
21:18
I want them to make me just a bunch of jack-o-lanterns, but I want them to do it out of anything except
21:24
for a pumpkin.
21:25
Wait, you just, you welcome it to your house and you're like, go crazy.
21:29
Cut into anything you see as long as not a pumpkin.
21:32
Do not touch my pumpkins.
21:34
I'm sick of jack-o-lantern pumpkins.
21:36
I use those for other things.
21:39
It's none of your business.
21:40
That's a question we got to get into, but go ahead.
21:43
If you want some candy, you got to work for it.
21:46
Get in there, make me jack-o-lantern out of just a cucumber.
21:51
You're still going fruits.
21:52
I was immediately thinking you're like, see the microwave, figure out how to cut into
21:56
that.
21:57
Make a jack-o-lantern out of a microwave.
21:58
I was going to say the TV.
21:59
Yeah, the TV.
22:00
That could be good too.
22:02
You know, let's open it up to that.
22:04
They just take anything in the house and make a jack-o-lantern.
22:06
Yeah, anything.
22:07
I assumed you just opened it up and those kids are just running around with knives.
22:11
We're not strictly fruit and vegetable based.
22:14
We can expand a bit.
22:15
Find a box of Cheez-Its and they cut a face into it and stick a candle in there.
22:20
Put your house on fire a little bit.
22:26
It leads me to the question at hand.
22:28
What do you do with the pumpkins that you don't want cut into?
22:30
I use them for storage.
22:35
The reason why they can't make jack-o-lanterns out of the pumpkins is because I've already
22:40
taken all the stuff out of the pumpkins and cut holes in them and I use them for storage.
22:43
Yeah, you're not big on banks.
22:45
No, no, no banks.
22:47
I keep all my money in pumpkins.
22:51
There's one thing about Alan.
22:53
He'll do anything to get out of using a storage crate.
22:56
Yeah.
22:57
He drives by one of those storage centers that you see in town and he's like, why would
23:02
anybody ever keep their stuff in that well-lit, well-ventilated storage area?
23:07
Possibly air conditioned.
23:10
Security all around it.
23:13
24 hour service.
23:14
Why would you?
23:15
What a racket.
23:16
People know there's a good pumpkin out there.
23:21
It's like the whole world hadn't heard of pumpkins.
23:26
No way I'm the only one that's figured this out.
23:28
You go into those places with a pumpkin and you just kind of point at it, shake your head.
23:32
I just pull the top off the pumpkin that I've cut and just say, look what I got here.
23:37
How you guys not figured this out?
23:39
You're like, security?
23:41
Look at this.
23:42
You put a little lock on it.
23:43
Lock on the pumpkin.
23:44
What are you talking about?
23:45
That's all the security I need.
23:48
And it arguably it works better than a storage unit because if you see a storage unit, you're
23:53
like, oh, well, there's got to be something in there.
23:54
But if you see a pumpkin, you're like, it's almost a hundred percent.
23:57
There's going to be nothing in there.
23:59
Yeah.
24:00
You say, I bet that would be a good jack-o'-lantern.
24:01
Yeah.
24:02
Yeah.
24:03
It's going to be unfortunate when you come across somebody that just solely steals pumpkins
24:06
and then you're going to have all your memories stolen.
24:08
Yeah.
24:09
I hope we don't run into run into anything like that.
24:12
I'm just a pumpkin bandit.
24:14
It's 100% an autistic person.
24:17
There's no way somebody just steals pumpkins.
24:20
Doesn't have a touch of the tism, you know?
24:23
Yeah.
24:24
Yeah.
24:25
I don't know what aside from storage, I don't know what they're using them for.
24:29
Do you drive by people's houses on Halloween and see them?
24:32
The faces cut out of the pumpkins and just what a waste.
24:35
It makes me boil your blood makes me sick.
24:37
Yeah.
24:38
I just mad.
24:39
Why do I feel like you have a charity or like an organization that is purely just to save
24:46
the pumpkins for storage?
24:47
Yeah.
24:48
It's a charity called a dumping in the pumpkin.
24:50
Where you just dump all your stuff in the pumpkin.
24:54
I thought it was the one.
24:56
Dump it in the pumpkin.
24:57
Is your slogan to dump it in the pumpkin, you pumpkin?
25:01
The slogan is actually, it's so great.
25:03
It really rolls off the tongue.
25:05
It's why in the world would you buy anything, anything ever that you've ever seen to store
25:12
something in when you could use a pumpkin idiot?
25:17
And it's, it's.
25:18
I got it.
25:19
I got it, I got it with a marketing team and we just, we really, we really worked around
25:24
the clock on that slogan.
25:25
And it was, it was, it was definitely the winner.
25:28
Do you do a focus group?
25:31
Yeah.
25:32
I sit, I sit some people in the neighborhood down and I'm like, Hey, listen, I'm going
25:34
to, I'm going to run a few, a few things by, by you.
25:38
Let me, you just tell me which one feels like it gets saved the pumpkins across to
25:41
you.
25:42
Yeah.
25:43
And that was the first one you suggested.
25:44
And they just said yes to you because they were ready to leave.
25:47
They were like, please let us out.
25:48
When the door locked, they got really nervous and they were like, yeah, we'll say yes to
25:53
anything just to get out of here.
25:55
And they're like, why do you want to leave?
25:56
I have snacks, but you took the snacks out of a pumpkin because that's where you're
26:00
storing them.
26:01
Yeah.
26:02
Yeah.
26:03
Just out of curiosity, what were some other slogans?
26:05
Oh yeah.
26:06
I mean you were going to pitch them.
26:07
I'm not going to, I'm not going to make you redo the first slogan because there's a, because
26:11
it was so good the first time.
26:12
Yeah.
26:13
Really good.
26:14
I want to hear new ones.
26:15
I remember it.
26:16
You know, everybody remembers it.
26:17
It's, it's seared into everybody's brain.
26:20
You don't even have to talk about it.
26:22
Absolutely.
26:23
Now this isn't a slogan, but I did want to pitch to you a new name for the group.
26:26
Yeah.
26:27
Yeah.
26:28
Go for it.
26:29
The one-eyed one-horned flying purple pumpkin stores.
26:31
A little, a little twist on the one-eyed one-horned flying purple people eater.
26:35
Exactly.
26:36
Got it.
26:37
Okay.
26:38
Okay.
26:39
It's relatable.
26:40
It's relatable.
26:41
People understand.
26:42
I like it.
26:43
Seventies.
26:44
Yeah.
26:45
Yeah.
26:46
You do know what decade it is, right?
26:47
Yeah.
26:48
And you know, they're, they're going to go nuts for it.
26:50
It's 2023.
26:51
I was 50 years ago.
26:53
Yeah.
26:54
You're saying it's not the 70s.
26:55
It's not the 70s.
26:56
It's 2023.
26:57
That's 50 years ago now.
26:58
Well, I can't do that.
26:59
Um, that's scary.
27:02
Let the sneeze out, dude.
27:03
There's no way that doesn't hurt.
27:05
Uh, amazing is a simple joy.
27:07
You don't do it.
27:08
No, I don't.
27:09
I hold it.
27:10
I love a sneeze.
27:11
God, I, I'm, I'm saving that sneeze for later.
27:16
I'm saving that for when I get home.
27:17
Katie, come get your sneeze.
27:18
You want some of this?
27:19
One of the other names is kind of a little bit of a politically charged one, but it's
27:28
a pumpkins for Trumpkins.
27:30
You got to cover your bases.
27:33
It's a, yeah, it's kind of a geared towards a, our right wing people.
27:37
Yeah.
27:38
What about left wing?
27:39
Do you have anything on that?
27:40
You're, you're pretty objective.
27:41
Republicans are no gourd.
27:44
Oh, Republicans, Republicans, Republicans, Republicans, Republicans are no gourd.
27:51
That's really good.
27:52
I like that one.
27:53
Or we could do, uh, Biden's basically a vegetable, so you should like pumpkins.
27:57
That's a very good, it's a good consolidated title.
28:02
That's good.
28:03
That's very scary.
28:04
We kind of veered from the, uh, veered from the making Jack lanterns out of the rest of
28:09
the house.
28:10
You know, I think it's good that we shed some light sort of on a, on my pumpkin storage
28:15
group and if any, if any of our listeners are really interested out there, you know,
28:19
we're still workshopping names, send us in names for a good pumpkin group, you know,
28:24
now I didn't want to hit on the overall question for you, Alan.
28:27
It does say, how do you scare the kids?
28:29
And it sounds like you're just giving them a good activity to do.
28:32
Well, I think we're scaring the parents.
28:34
It's, it's, it's, I'm, I'm scaring them because they think that they might not get candy if
28:39
they don't make a good enough Jack a ladder.
28:41
Oh, okay.
28:42
Yeah.
28:43
I could see how that might've been glossed over.
28:45
Maybe I didn't say it at first.
28:48
Maybe I forgot the question.
28:51
You just wanted to get your pumpkin organization out there, right?
28:55
That's yeah.
28:56
Anything, anything to, uh, to promote the pump.
28:58
It was convenient that we had this question.
29:00
You were going to fit that organization to any hypothetical.
29:02
Yeah.
29:03
I'm really glad it wasn't like, what are you going to do when you walk into a library?
29:07
Cause it was going to be, the answer was still going to be pumpkin storage.
29:11
So this is a big time of year for you.
29:15
What do you do like the rest of the year when pumpkins really aren't in season?
29:18
Um, I just use the same pump.
29:20
Yeah.
29:21
But what's smelly?
29:25
What's what's really great is yeah, they, they do smell, but you know, basically become
29:29
flat and decompose, you know, so I can, I could store multiple decomposing pumpkins
29:34
on top of one another.
29:35
You know, the name of the game is just, is just, uh, creating space.
29:40
Pumpkin inception.
29:41
Do you do like a little Russian nesting doll of pumpkins?
29:44
Yeah.
29:45
Ever?
29:46
It is pumpkin from 1992.
29:49
If I, if I, uh, really wanted to irritate somebody, you know, if I mess with my wife,
29:53
I'll just make a rush Russian nesting doll situation for whatever she's looking for.
29:57
Yeah.
29:58
She's just got to go through pumpkin after pumpkin after pumpkin.
30:01
You put her keys in the smallest one every morning before she leaves for work.
30:05
And she's late back into the hallway.
30:09
Yeah.
30:10
I kind of, I kind of scamper away.
30:12
That's very good.
30:14
Well, there you go.
30:16
Happy Halloween everybody.
30:19
Get rid of all your lame neighborhood house decorations.
30:24
Do what we do.
30:25
Yeah.
30:26
Have a fat man in the tub.
30:27
Give them a W two for a minute.
30:29
Give them adult life and then tell them to carve your house up, but also have a pumpkin
30:36
organization.
30:37
I don't know.
30:38
Give them knives.
30:39
I think the scary part of Allen's was how off topic he was.
30:45
The point of this podcast is to stay as on topic as you can.
30:49
We don't like to stray from the script.
30:53
Right in front of us is a perfect script.
30:55
His tail prompt.
30:56
Yeah.
30:57
They're going to make a documentary about us pretty soon.
30:59
I feel like coming.
31:01
Listeners are going to be weirded out maybe when they find out I'm black.
31:07
This one's going to be titled the last chance.
31:09
Cause this is, this is all we got left.
31:13
Oh man, we're hanging on.
31:16
That's good.
31:17
All right.
31:18
So to continue the Halloween theme, we're going to do a draft.
31:24
The topic of this draft is going to be Halloween costumes that you would wear to scare your
31:29
grandmother.
31:30
Put 10 on the clock.
31:31
Welcome back to this draft.
31:32
Good young players with the drafts all about.
31:33
Here and in your house.
31:34
Welcome back to this draft.
31:35
I never say anything like this.
31:38
They are Halloween costumes that you wear.
31:42
I'm sure every year to scare your grandma.
31:45
Let's let's draft.
31:46
You have, you're going to pick three costumes.
31:47
You're going to wear those costumes for the next three years.
31:50
Yeah.
31:51
Starting this week.
31:52
Every day.
31:53
Maybe it depends on how much you like it.
31:55
Okay.
31:56
It's a lot of commitment.
31:57
It's a, it's a big commitment, but you got to do it.
31:59
All right.
32:00
So Alan got first pick Halloween costumes that you could wear to scare your grandmother.
32:06
I'm going to just go right out of the gate with one easy pick, taking it off the table.
32:11
Barack Obama.
32:13
How, how close are you getting to Barack Obama?
32:17
Cause the basic, the basic costume is just a suit.
32:23
Answer the question.
32:25
I'm going to spend a lot of time in at the beach.
32:28
Okay.
32:29
Just getting really tan.
32:30
I'm afraid you're going to come out more like Trump, all orange and sunburn.
32:35
That's well risk.
32:36
I'm willing to take.
32:37
And I see that receipt from Lowe's for what is that?
32:40
Eight gallons of brown paint.
32:42
Ooh.
32:43
Oh man.
32:44
That's a weird thing to come in and set right on the table.
32:45
Oh, how did, how did that get there?
32:48
Hmm.
32:49
Well, just leave it at that.
32:51
You're going to look like Barack Obama.
32:53
Maybe I'm remodeling my house.
32:54
Yeah.
32:55
All right.
32:56
Well, I'll take second.
32:57
I think my first round pick is going to be a sumo wrestler costume, just a big diaper.
33:04
I just, a diaper, a cloth, a bath towel that I have fashioned and tied around my, my, my
33:11
genitals and crotch.
33:13
Have you put on weight for this?
33:15
Yeah, I'm going to put on weight.
33:17
I'm going to put on weight, a lot of weight.
33:19
That's what's going to really scare her like, man, you're going to die before me.
33:23
I'll walk in there.
33:24
What's going to scare her is I'm going to push her out of a circle that I've drawn in the
33:27
living room floor.
33:28
I was going to ask if you were going to challenge her.
33:30
Yeah, I'm going to challenge her.
33:31
I'm going to challenge her.
33:32
I'm going to, you know, make a bunch of grunts and get down in a three point stance and just
33:36
put a shoulder in her stomach.
33:39
Yeah.
33:40
Knock her right out.
33:42
She's not going to win.
33:43
Poor grandma.
33:44
All right, Evan.
33:45
All right.
33:46
For my number one pick, I think it's really kind of the best pick here, but my grandma
33:52
seeing me in a sexy nurse outfit, probably how sexy rattle her.
33:58
How sexy sexy, sexy, sexy, like a skirt, a skirt, a sex appeal.
34:08
You're so in cleavage.
34:09
Oh, for sure.
34:10
That little red cross that they do.
34:13
Yeah.
34:14
That's a target for men.
34:15
A lot of chest hair coming out of that.
34:18
Lot of chest hair.
34:19
Is she scared because of it's you in the outfit or is she scared because she knows you have
34:24
no medical experience?
34:25
Yeah.
34:26
Is she in the middle of dying and she's like, Oh, you're not the nurse I need.
34:31
A little bit of both.
34:32
She's scared because it's me in a nurse outfit and she's like, that's ungodly.
34:37
And then she's also scared because she's near death.
34:40
Yeah.
34:41
She's on the edge of life.
34:43
She's scared that she's, she thinks you're a little hot too.
34:49
She's also scared of how she feels, but that's natural.
34:52
It's not a weird thing.
34:54
Yes.
34:55
Totally natural.
34:56
When someone sees me in a sex, you know, you don't save for this.
34:59
So those, you wear a short, short, you're, you're showing all leg.
35:02
Oh, it's hairy.
35:03
You're a hairy guy.
35:04
Hair sticking out of places.
35:05
You shouldn't be sticking out.
35:08
Did he stuff a wig into his pants?
35:12
And I am a hairy man.
35:15
The opposite of a dolphin.
35:16
Not aerodynamic at all.
35:19
So you're going sexy nurse first, which is a great pick.
35:22
So we're doing sink draft.
35:23
So what's your, what's your second round pick?
35:26
It's tough when sexy nurses off the table.
35:27
Yeah.
35:28
Sexy nurse is a great pick.
35:29
That's a good thing.
35:30
I think number two got to go with the classic throughout the grim reaper.
35:35
Oh, you said she's on the verge of death on the edge.
35:38
So she sees me walking her way.
35:41
She's like, well, well, it's time.
35:43
Here it is.
35:44
I live long about that time.
35:48
Time to hang it up.
35:49
I mean, she lived a long life.
35:50
You really run the risk of making your grandmother give up prematurely.
35:54
Yeah.
35:55
She's like taking the Lord.
35:58
I get to her own, like take the mask off and like, no, it's actually just me.
36:01
And she's like, God dang it.
36:02
I was gone.
36:03
I thought I was off this earth.
36:07
She soiled herself, man.
36:08
She is like, I'm give up.
36:09
It's already sticky.
36:10
Yeah.
36:11
That's good.
36:12
Grim Reaper is actually a very good Halloween costume.
36:17
I also for my second pick, I've chosen a very apt Halloween costume and I went real serious.
36:23
I'm going to wear human skin, fresh human skin.
36:27
I killed the mailman right outside.
36:30
I'm wearing his skin inside in front of my grandma.
36:33
That is going to freak her out.
36:35
As it will the rest of my family.
36:38
But that's classic.
36:40
That's just really stereotypical.
36:41
That's classic.
36:42
Like, ah, let's make the bat.
36:45
Is that back under that face?
36:51
Have the lamp stop crying, grandma.
36:53
She's like, Dios mio, Dios mio, Jesus Christ.
36:59
El Diablo, El Diablo.
37:02
Is your grandmother his grandmother?
37:07
Is your grandmother Hispanic?
37:12
I scared her so good.
37:15
She learned Spanish.
37:16
Dios mio, Dios mio, El Diablo.
37:17
Mi corazón, mi corazón.
37:18
Oh man.
37:19
She's Spanish.
37:20
Oh man, that's how you know you scare a girl when she just operates a language that she
37:42
does not know.
37:43
Oh man.
37:44
Oh man.
37:45
But yeah, human skin, my second choice.
37:48
Second pick.
37:49
All right, Alan, your second pick, bud.
37:51
I think former ice skater, Michelle Kwan.
37:55
Are you wearing the ice skates?
37:59
Yeah.
38:00
Yeah.
38:01
Historically, my grandmother knows me to be a male.
38:04
So I think her seeing me in a Michelle Kwan get up would probably make her a little uncomfortable.
38:10
That would freak her out.
38:11
I think it would also freak her out when you walk in and both your ankles are broken from
38:15
walking on ice skates.
38:16
Yeah.
38:17
Yeah.
38:18
And your ankle.
38:19
I don't know how to skate.
38:20
I can't stress that enough.
38:23
We live in a place where historically not a lot of ice.
38:26
No, no.
38:27
Did you spill water in her house, turn down the temperature, and now it's just ice all
38:31
over her floor?
38:32
Has she broken her hip?
38:34
No, what I do is I just, uh, I just scuff up her hardwood floors.
38:38
Those hundred year old anti-carbon floors.
38:41
Those old hardwood floors.
38:43
Oh, those buddies cut like butter under your ice skate.
38:48
I think that's, I think the whole girl thing.
38:51
Yeah.
38:52
That's enough to really freak somebody out.
38:53
Yeah.
38:54
Especially you.
38:55
You would not be a good looking girl.
38:56
No.
38:57
Homely, handsome woman.
38:58
Yeah.
38:59
I'd be the kind that they'd be like, yeah, I bet she, I bet she cooks well.
39:05
I hope she's good at math.
39:07
She's got to be right.
39:08
Like there's got to be something.
39:09
So that's a good second pick.
39:12
So snake draft, man, what's your, uh, what's your third and final pick?
39:16
I think if I just dressed up like a snow leopard, I have to ask the question, are you actually
39:22
dressed up as a snow leopard or did you just release the snow leopard into the house and
39:26
call it you?
39:27
I'm actually dressed up as a snow leopard.
39:29
Okay.
39:30
Okay.
39:31
Okay.
39:32
That's very cool.
39:33
Uh, you know, I'm trying to do all this myself.
39:34
I don't need, I don't want outside help from the snow leopard community, but what she's
39:38
really afraid of is not the fact that you're dressed up as a snow leopard.
39:41
It's more the fact that you are a furry.
39:44
Yeah.
39:45
And actively mauling her.
39:47
Oh, you're a furry and you're killing your grandma.
39:50
Well, I'm not actively mauling her, but I'm, I'm like in the corner of a room looking
39:55
like I'm ready to pounce.
39:56
Yeah.
39:57
So it's just, it's the anticipation that gets her really.
40:00
She's like, I know, I know death is around the corner, but I just don't know when this
40:03
thing's going to strike.
40:04
She's like, man, how did my genetics get so twisted?
40:07
I had an autistic grandson.
40:08
That's very good.
40:10
Snow leopard is scary.
40:11
I'd say so.
40:13
My third and last pick, uh, I will dress as to scare my grandmother will be my grandfather.
40:18
And I, it's very accurate because my grandfather's dead.
40:21
So you, my grandmother is going to be scared when they see her and she sees her dead husband
40:27
walk in and it's, it's like a ghostly, like I put like baby powder on me.
40:32
So I'm kind of white.
40:33
So I kind of have like a white and it, you know, I leave white smoke behind me as I walk
40:38
through the room.
40:39
I tell her weird stuff as I walk through the room.
40:41
I pass the room and I'm like, do you remember what you did back in 1968?
40:46
She's like, she goes into Spanish again.
40:51
It's not a big deal, but I dress as my dead grandfather to scare my grandmother.
40:56
She's like, man, if I'm seeing him, I'm close.
40:59
I'm close to kicking the bucket.
41:01
You think she'd be mad and like, God dang, this guy's back again.
41:04
It's back.
41:05
It's back.
41:06
But I'm, I have rock hard abs and I'm showing them off.
41:08
Like God dang Frank.
41:11
He's looking spicy in the afterlife.
41:13
You seduce your grandma.
41:17
No, no, no, I'm not.
41:20
I'm just scared.
41:22
So you're coming back as the ghost of your grandfather, but in his peak physical form.
41:26
Yeah.
41:27
Yeah.
41:28
Just abs, just abs and God, my calf muscles are popping.
41:33
Yeah.
41:34
Yeah.
41:35
But just as many wrinkles like in the, yeah, yeah.
41:36
Like it's an old guy.
41:37
He just has, he just has like really good abs.
41:40
I think the skin suit, the skin suit is good for this.
41:42
It can help you with the wrinkles.
41:43
I, yeah.
41:44
I mean, I, I, I planned that.
41:46
I totally planned that.
41:47
I, those teeth.
41:48
Not a spur of the moment.
41:49
Yeah.
41:50
Those two choices are connected.
41:51
All right, Evan, last, last pick.
41:56
I think for me, final pick, final pick of the draft, go with the flight of stairs.
42:04
The scariest thing for an old person.
42:06
16 steps.
42:07
It's a very tall, tall cost.
42:10
It's a flight of heavy inclined stairs.
42:13
Yeah.
42:14
No railing on the railing.
42:16
No wheelchair accessible.
42:18
No.
42:19
Just a pure flight of stairs.
42:20
And a perfect doily right at the top.
42:22
Yeah.
42:23
I'm like, man, I wish I could get to that.
42:25
Yeah.
42:26
But like every grandma, she can't make it up.
42:27
She can't make it up.
42:28
She sees it.
42:29
She's like, her knees start crying because she's scared of that.
42:32
Yeah.
42:33
She can't make it up.
42:34
Do you, do you send an old lady down it tumbling down it?
42:37
I do have an old lady at the top and I have somebody else up there that kind of pushes
42:42
her a little bit.
42:43
Yeah.
42:44
There's like a, like a life alert pendant kind of halfway down.
42:46
Like it fell off of her as she fell.
42:48
And then to winch her back up, you have a rope tied around her waist.
42:52
So when she's hit, it's the bottom.
42:53
You just drag her back to the top.
42:56
She hits every stair on the way back up too.
42:58
Yeah.
42:59
And I'm just at the bottom kind of holding the last three flights of stairs up.
43:02
So when she gets those last three, it starts to hurt my back a lot.
43:04
Yeah.
43:05
Oh God.
43:06
Holding this thing up, you know?
43:07
Yeah.
43:08
That's good.
43:09
Yeah.
43:10
Very scary.
43:11
You picked a very on brand thing for an old person.
43:12
Yeah.
43:13
Try it.
43:14
I think beside a minority, old people are most scared of flights of stairs.
43:18
I think the stairs in Obama are going to be duking it out.
43:20
I think.
43:21
Top gear picks.
43:22
Yeah.
43:23
So, so that leads us into our portion of who do we think won?
43:27
I personally had a suit more wrestler, a legitimate human skin suit in my sexy dead grandfather.
43:38
I had a sexy nurse outfit.
43:40
Sexy.
43:41
It's just really like sexy.
43:46
The grim reaper and a flight of stairs.
43:48
Oh, that's very good.
43:50
I had a Barack Obama, not terribly sexy, just his, just the normal amount that he would
43:58
exude, I guess.
43:59
He's a good looking guy.
44:00
Also dressed as Michelle Kwan and a snow leopard.
44:05
So let's go ahead and take vote.
44:07
So our voting process, if you don't know, you cannot pick yourself.
44:10
You have to vote for one of the other person.
44:12
And usually we cut somebody comes out the winner.
44:14
Personally, I'm going to vote for Evan.
44:16
I think as far as old people go, he picked things that are going to scare old people
44:20
the most.
44:21
Cross dressing.
44:22
Yeah.
44:23
But very good cross dressing.
44:25
The grim reaper.
44:26
Tasteful cross dressing.
44:27
Tasteful cross dressing.
44:28
And stairs.
44:29
I think old people, I mean old people got to be afraid of that.
44:32
Yeah.
44:33
Who do you pick Evan?
44:34
Who do you think won?
44:35
So you had things that would scare anybody really.
44:38
Inversible.
44:39
Inversible.
44:40
Reincarnate grandfather, but sexy.
44:45
Very terrifying.
44:46
And a sumo wrestler.
44:47
And a sumo wrestler.
44:48
And then on the other hand, Alan had things that an older generation would definitely
44:51
be afraid of.
44:52
Two minorities.
44:53
Two minorities.
44:54
And a woman.
44:55
Yeah.
44:56
And a woman.
44:57
Yeah.
44:58
Snow leopards are a minority of the animal kingdom, I guess we'll say.
45:02
Furries are minorities.
45:03
Yeah.
45:04
Yeah.
45:05
I think Alan definitely applied the old person to his picks.
45:09
Yeah.
45:10
I think for that I'm going to have to go with Alan.
45:12
Alan's a good pick.
45:13
I don't blame him.
45:14
He's for the minorities really.
45:16
Really catering to the old people.
45:17
Yeah.
45:18
The old people fear of him.
45:19
Right.
45:20
I'm going to also have to go with Evan.
45:21
I think Zach, like Evan was saying, your picks can get with any generation.
45:26
Yep.
45:27
Like, you know, dads, children, they would all be scared of that.
45:30
That was skintzy.
45:31
Yeah.
45:32
What kid wouldn't be scared of seeing his sexy grandfather?
45:36
Yeah.
45:37
I mean, that's going to scare anyone.
45:41
Yeah.
45:42
I get it.
45:43
I just hit it a little bit more specifically.
45:44
It hurts, but I understand.
45:47
Evan, one again, this is your second time winning the quest and will be tour draft.
45:52
Yeah.
45:53
I mean, it's kind of just second nature at this point.
45:55
When we do one of these, like I just expect to win, I guess, just because that's who I
46:00
am.
46:01
I'm better than everybody else.
46:02
Yeah, I get it.
46:03
I like do a quick speech here.
46:04
Oh my gosh.
46:05
Now, see, this is why we need people to cut him down.
46:08
He gets too much on his high horse.
46:09
This is the obligatory ride in.
46:11
Yeah, please.
46:12
Cut him down.
46:13
Insult Evan.
46:14
Quick, quick speech here.
46:15
Insult Evan.
46:16
It'll be quick.
46:17
It'll be quick.
46:18
You're welcome, America.
46:19
It was quick.
46:20
Okay, thank God.
46:21
Okay, we can take that.
46:23
But congratulations, Evan.
46:25
You won again.
46:26
People, please ride in, cut him down, insult him.
46:30
It is not good for the environment to have him this confident.
46:34
You know, I would-
46:35
I'm putting so much methane gas out there.
46:37
I would say that this is rigged, but we literally voted that you win.
46:42
This is your fault.
46:46
This is our fault.
46:47
You guys tear me down all episode, and then when it comes to time to choose who wins,
46:54
it's me.
46:55
You build me back up.
46:56
You pick.
46:57
If you have one skill, it's picking dumb stuff.
46:59
I would say this might be an abusive relationship.
47:01
Would you say this is an abusive-
47:03
You tear me down and then build me back up just to tear me down again.
47:09
We enjoy gas lighting.
47:10
Yeah, the gas lighting is a fun part, and by that, we pour gas on you and then flick
47:14
open a match real quick and almost like, oh, I got that on you.
47:18
One of these days, I'm just going to dive into that match.
47:22
And then we're like, why'd you pour gasoline on yourself?
47:25
That was kind of dumb, Evan, to be dripped in gasoline.
47:29
Can you give us a rendition of how you might scream if you were lit on fire?
47:33
Oh my God.
47:34
You're like an old balloon, an old balloon that finally let out its last bit of air.
47:42
Oh no.
47:44
My whole body's numb now.
47:46
Do you have a neurological disorder?
47:48
Yeah.
47:49
The fact that you're moving, you walk like a wacky inflatable tube, man.
47:54
I've really been hammering away at my spinal cord lately.
47:57
Just trying to stop feeling things.
48:00
You just dolphin dive off the top of houses.
48:02
Yeah.
48:03
I just turn my head into it, you know?
48:06
Are you trying to be a wheelchair guy?
48:08
Is that what you want your personality to become?
48:10
People talk a lot about vegetables.
48:11
Now they're good for you.
48:12
They're good for you, yeah.
48:14
You need more vegetables in your life.
48:16
Exactly.
48:17
I'm trying to give more vegetables in your lives.
48:18
I'm trying to be that vegetable in your life.
48:21
I'm going to do y'all a favor.
48:23
I appreciate that.
48:24
Because yeah, if Evan's in a wheelchair and one of us is pushing him around, people are
48:28
going to think, oh, look at that guy helping that invalid out.
48:31
But then they're going to see we're pushing them off another house with a ramp.
48:35
They're like, oh no.
48:39
Was I asking for it at that point or was it just like, that's just what y'all do?
48:42
This is what you do.
48:43
You can't control it.
48:44
Oh, okay.
48:45
You're quadriplegic.
48:46
It's going to be a new thing.
48:47
But okay, to get back on the Halloween subject, this isn't exactly hypothetical, but what
48:51
are y'all giving out to kids Halloween?
48:53
Is it just going to be candy or is it going to be something a little more original?
48:58
I try my best to not have kids come on my porch personally.
49:02
Kind of put up caution tape everywhere.
49:05
Make it look like a crime scene and not in like a Halloween crime scene kind of way,
49:09
but like an actual police have been here crime scene and kind of just keep the kids away.
49:14
I'm an adult male.
49:16
I don't need any kids around me to raise a suspicion.
49:20
If I'm opening the door with a bunch of kids standing out there and I'm smiling and having
49:24
a good time, eyebrows are going to be raised.
49:29
So I try to keep that heat off me as much as I can.
49:31
Okay.
49:32
Yeah.
49:33
It's concerning that you need to keep the heat off you that much.
49:35
That makes it seem like you're being watched by a dark van on the outside.
49:40
I don't know if it's just me, but as an adult male, I do feel kind of pressure to act like
49:45
I'm not a sexual predator.
49:47
Yeah, you do.
49:48
You raise your hands.
49:49
You're like, uh-uh.
49:50
They're going nowhere around this child.
49:51
You just want to make sure everything looks above board.
49:54
Yeah.
49:55
That's what like in my neighborhood, they have a speed bump and there's kids always
49:59
playing in the yard right by the speed bump.
50:02
So it looks like I'm slowing down right next to the yard with the kids, but I literally
50:07
have to.
50:08
You have to.
50:09
And I'm just like, everyone sees a speed bump, right?
50:11
I'm doing it.
50:13
Everybody's doing it.
50:14
It's either completely ruin your suspension or look like a pedophile.
50:19
What does an unfortunate spot for that speed bump with kids playing around there because
50:24
you're not going to know if you hit the speed bump or a child.
50:27
Do they put an extra speed bump in the road?
50:29
When did I get here?
50:30
And I was just kidding.
50:31
Um, that didn't really answer the question, but thank you for making sure everybody knew
50:35
you were the pedophile.
50:36
You really had to stick that in there.
50:38
Just want to make sure everybody was aware.
50:40
Some of our listeners were questioning it.
50:42
I'm not doing anything.
50:44
Everybody at ease.
50:45
I swear.
50:46
You made, you made sure people knew about it.
50:51
Thank you for that.
50:52
I guess.
50:53
Yeah, somebody had to say it.
50:54
Okay.
50:55
Y'all weren't going out of your ways.
50:58
We have to say it because you said it.
50:59
I personally, I personally, I don't, I don't, I don't do that.
51:03
Okay, cool.
51:04
Alan, no, that's a long pause.
51:07
Wait, that was already too long.
51:09
Admit that you don't, you're not a pedophile.
51:11
Oh, uh, hi, I'm Alan.
51:12
I'm not a pedophile.
51:13
I thought we were back on the, what do you give kids on for Halloween?
51:20
There's a long pause and I'm leaving that pond way too long.
51:25
What about you, Alan?
51:26
He gave like a blank look, trying to come up with a, there's something to say.
51:34
What's yes, but not yes.
51:38
How fast can I say yes to where it looks suspicious?
51:41
Oh man, not a good look for you PR wise.
51:46
Not good.
51:47
Rough day.
51:49
Remember, I'm a sick person.
51:53
Yeah, we know.
51:55
Yeah, we get it.
51:58
We understand.
51:59
Medically.
52:00
Oh man, we didn't really answer the question, but I guess that's, I guess that's a good
52:05
way to end it.
52:06
Let's, we don't, we don't, we don't little kids.
52:09
Hey, get the QD guarantee.
52:13
Get the QD guarantee stamp it.
52:15
I'll just go ahead and QD guarantee.
52:18
Okay.
52:19
Well that's good.
52:21
Well, um, let's do the traditional one-liner wisdom Halloween edition.
52:27
What do y'all got?
52:28
You can dress up in costumes all you want, but you're never going to cover up the fear
52:32
that you feel inside.
52:34
It's feeling dark today, aren't you?
52:40
It's been a tough day.
52:43
Check on this guy.
52:45
What about you Evan?
52:47
One-liner wisdom for the Saturday workers.
52:49
Dracula is a good example that if you're going to suck, at least suck blood.
52:57
Boy, how did he, I didn't know that, where that one was going.
53:04
Oh man.
53:05
Oh man.
53:06
That's a good place to end it.
53:07
Alan's literally dying.
53:08
He sounds like he sounds, I may not be back next week.
53:14
He sounds like a father in the 1800s that got caught in the common cold and his wife
53:19
is like damping a wet cloth on his head.
53:23
Cause that's the medical knowledge they knew back then.
53:25
They all died at 36 back then anyways.
53:27
I gotta go to the infirmary after that.
53:30
Lord.
53:31
All right.
53:32
Well, that's a good place to end it.
53:33
Um, you've, you need some advice from the three wisest people have a hypothetical.
53:38
You want us to answer question will detour podcast to gmail.com.
53:41
All right, boys.
53:42
You want to be done?
53:43
Yes.
53:44
Ooh.
53:45
See you on the show.