Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Female Dating Cynics: Men Don't Only Want Young Supermodels

Transcript

Female Dating Cynics: Men Don't Only Want Young Supermodels · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show I think this is episode 112 or something crazy
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  get the oral sex on women one. And 18 others that are all super
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  interesting because all my content is super interesting.
• 1:11
  Anyway so today I want to talk about like all these women that
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  say that women have to be young and beautiful in order for them
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  to have any success on The Dating market and this just
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  isn't true. It's like how men say that men
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  have to be rich in order to have any success on The Dating
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  market. So so like men who say that That
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  women usually respond exactly, as they should they say.
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  But what about these, like, 1 million guys?
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  I know that make like very little money or not
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  conventionally successful and are sleeping with women whenever
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  they want, right? And yeah, totally IV, like I
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  wrote a podcast, I wrote I recorded a podcast episode about
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  that, right? Like if guys think that men have
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  to jump through all these hoops, make all this money.
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  Do all the chores, do all this shit.
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  No, they don't. Like literally, if you take off
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  your blinders, that just confirm your own way of thinking
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  confirmation bias and you look around, you will likely think of
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  all the top of your head numerous men probably some in
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  your own family or friend group that do very little.
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  Don't make a lot of money and still get laid, you know, and
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  have wives that seem to respect them and adore them, so that can
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  make you re-examine that. Myth that men have the men who
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  have a low self-esteem, have that, right?
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  That you have to be all of these wonderful things in order to get
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  women, or in order to get your wife, to want to have sex with
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  you or whatever, the case may be, but that's just not borne
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  out by reality. So, similarly, there are women,
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  who have self-esteem issues themselves and this Blinder
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  problem as well, where they say, oh you see that woman well both
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  I and that women were divorced, 40 year old women.
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  But that woman, you know, she's in the gym like 17 hours a day
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  and she's just can just beautiful.
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  And that's why that woman is dating people.
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  And I, who am I more normal woman?
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  I'm not know, like that woman. I'm sure she gets laid, you
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  know, and gets men, loving her, and whatever, but every woman
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  can do that, you know, I'm not stupid.
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  I don't think if you're a supermodel you have just as many
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  options as like the average Jane but quite honestly, it's really
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  not that dissimilar right? Except the supermodel is going
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  to be dating. The rock stars and the average
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  Jane is going to be dating. More Average, Joe's obviously,
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  right? I mean that's a sort ATIV
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  mating, right? So there's two problems going on
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  here. When women say that, you need to
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  be all of these young beautiful things in order to get men.
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  First off, they saw in their family of origin was very anti
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  male usually and men were thought of as dogs dogs that
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  just cheat on women and treat them like shit.
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  And they're so shallow. And superficial they're guided
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  around by their dick. And so men really make the most
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  superficial possible choices and can't be trusted to be deep or
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  to be really a loving partner at all.
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  So sometimes there's that background and so this men only
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  want young beautiful women is like, an extension of the men
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  are all dogs thing and then second, I mean, and relatedly
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  it's real hard to develop good self-esteem in a household.
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  That's very nice. - and is telling you - things all the
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  time, no matter if they're about women, men or anything else, so
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  many women with their own self esteem issues, what they mean is
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  like, I don't consider myself lovable.
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  So, therefore, I can't imagine how somebody would love me.
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  My body isn't perfect. So, therefore, I can't imagine
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  how somebody would love me. I am not enough to elicit love,
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  unless I were to be completely different and younger which is,
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  of course, impossible and Better shape which may or may not be
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  possible based on your age and your hormones and whatever Etc.
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  And so they really say this to the point that they believe it,
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  but often when I talk to women who say that, there's no good
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  men out there for older /, not beautiful women because they're
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  all taken by the young beautiful ones.
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  Like really look around. You really like look around you.
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  Anywhere is all you see 40 year old men with 20 year old women?
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  I'm that's certainly not all. I see if If that is all you see,
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  I don't know where you live, right?
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  But in any sort of normative environment, 40 year old men, or
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  with 40 year old women, sometimes there were 35 year old
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  woman, but that's not 20. You know, the majority of men
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  are married and they're still married to the first woman that
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  they were with, or they get married to somebody else who
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  also was in 20 years old, who's more in their same age range.
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  Very, very rarely. In fact, in therapy.
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  Do I see men who partner? Their divorce with much younger
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  women, honestly. Usually, they're divorced.
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  Dad's looking to find divorced moms or they could find a woman
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  who has no kids, but that isn't really a ghost for them on the
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  dating apps. So they are picking out of
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  divorced moms and their real happy with their choices.
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  These women are not drop dead. Gorgeous super models.
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  They are just normal women. So what they do have women that
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  do end up dating after a divorce is a positive Attitude they're
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  nice they're usually affectionate and they're you
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  know not the they don't have horrible - self-esteem issues
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  that even preclude them getting into relationships at all and or
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  their standards are not for something that they're not.
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  So that's another thing that isn't really discussed by the
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  women who say that men just want young beautiful women.
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  I mean of course sure they want to sleep with like a young
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  beautiful woman but do I Men remarrying, women half their
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  age. I mean, I don't practice on
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  Rodeo Drive, maybe it's different there but between
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  everywhere that I have friends family and clients.
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  All the major cities that I see is this just doesn't seem to
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  happen. As much as women think this same
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  as it doesn't happen. That women are only going for
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  Rich, dudes, you know know like they're not because most guys
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  aren't rich and yet most of them are in Chips, right.
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  And most women aren't drop-dead gorgeous yet.
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  Most of them are in relationships and men who are
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  looking for close loving relationships, that's with any
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  woman that meets their standard of attractive.
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  Like, when I talk to like real young guys like in their 20s and
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  sometimes they're preoccupied with what their friends are
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  going to think of a woman that they date.
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  So they'll only date. Like women that are like super
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  hot but I always encourage them. No, go for the woman, the woman
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  that you are attracted to that is not just a quote 10.
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  That's like a maybe a 6 Plus is who you are attracted to and
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  then we work on, of course why they're so dependent on their
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  friends perspective. Whether their friends would
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  really even think what they think their friends would think
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  where this started in their family of origin.
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  Etc. But that's a very, very, very
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  young way of thinking that most 40 year.
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  Men have gotten past. So the average a 40 year old, or
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  50 year old or 60, year old man on a dating website, is not
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  thinking that he's going to get his age / 2 + supermodel.
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  He's just not, he's wanting to get into a relationship with a
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  fun, nice loving woman, that he finds attractive, men, find lots
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  of women attract, if you do not have to be a size zero with huge
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  boobs and look how Your age in order for a man to find you
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  attractive. Do you know that the majority of
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  men that I work with that are dissatisfied because they're not
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  having enough sex, they're not having enough sex with women of
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  their own age who are not supermodels called their wives,
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  right? So these are totally average
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  looking women that the man wishes by the grace of God would
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  just have a little bit more sex with them.
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  These men want sex from their wives as much as, you know,
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  Women might think that man men want sex with a movie star
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  that's how much these men want sex with their totally average
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  wife and it doesn't change when they divorce when they divorce
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  what they think is never gonna end up with someone who doesn't
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  want to sleep with me again which is of course a valid goal
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  and something everybody should have on The Dating Market but
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  beyond that I don't see them saying and I also want somebody
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  super young and extremely hot. I mean if that fell into their
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  lap Maybe For the super young Park.
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  Also, another thing is, a lot of women grew up hearing about guys
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  who dated women that were much younger.
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  Maybe this happened, more in previous generations, I believe
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  it did. But now, with the Advent of men
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  being super invested in parenting, they really don't
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  want to like embarrass themselves quite honestly with
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  their children. There are men who would never
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  date a woman in her 20s because they have teenage kids and that
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  would Word out their kids and their number one goal is to be a
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  good dad. So this doesn't even, they
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  wouldn't even date seriously a woman in her 20s, if they're in
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  their 40s plus because of how it would look to the children and
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  to the whole community that they really just want one thing or
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  this is a signature woman or today's milia that they're
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  somehow taking advantage of this woman with their power and
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  authority, or some me to type of stuff.
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  So, the average man is not looking to date significantly
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  younger even Through divorce. But what he is looking for, is
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  somebody with a positive attitude and that is warm and
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  affectionate. Now, if you struggle with these
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  sort of internal biases, that men only want, you know, things
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  that you are not and men are such dogs and men are
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  superficial than you're not having a positive attitude.
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  I mean, we know that already because your attitude is
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  extremely negative toward men. And when you do date, It your
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  lack of trust and your negative thoughts about men may transmit
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  themselves to the men, you know, via what you say and how you act
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  which then ironically will lead to them, not wanting
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  relationships, their by confirming your initial thought
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  that they don't want women of your age and that looked like
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  you, but is it anything about your age and that look like you,
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  if you were the same person but you had just been more open.
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  Fun, part. The to of warm Etc, then things
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  may have gone very different on the date.
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  And if you say, well, how in the hell could I just become more
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  positive, trusting, open, whatever.
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  You just said, well, I mean, what do I always say?
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  I say therapy. Really, really helps with this.
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  It helps you examine your biases and it helps.
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  You understand their origin likely in your family of origin.
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  I mean women who struggle with trust.
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  Of men. Daddy issues is a thing.
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  Like, that's not just a Trope, you know?
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  Like if you had a warm and loving relationship with your
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  dad, it is kind of hard to think that all men are assholes, but
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  if you didn't, and if he was self-centered or absent, then
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  you may well have a lot of evidence in your mind, all of
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  your own evidence from your upbringing.
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  That men cannot really be trusted in some way or another
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  and then you probably would have gotten into a bad relationship
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  at first And then because, you know, you're drawn to what's
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  familiar. So you probably got involved
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  with another guy who couldn't be trusted and now you're out on
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  The Dating Market again and then you said gets all going to
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  happen again and it's inevitable but it's not inevitable if you
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  work through your own stuff and you get to a different place
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  where you do feel more trusting and more loving potentially and
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  less like all guys or this or all guys are that.
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  So again like think about it. The other way, like, here's an
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  easy one to disprove for women in this situation.
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  What about all the guys that say women just want money?
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  I mean they're wrong, right? I mean, obviously they're wrong.
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  So many of us know, women that didn't marry for money at all.
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  And in fact, you're the primary Breadwinner and don't really
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  give a shit inasmuch as they just want somebody to be, you
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  know, I don't know, employed or something.
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  But so men believe this thing in the same numbers as women If
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  this other wrong inaccurate thing that men are just all
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  about, you know, 25 year old hot woman.
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  So think about this. If you are a woman who struggles
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  with being very cynical and closed off to dating, think
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  about where you got this idea from what was the marriage you
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  saw at home, you know, was your father very positive about your
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  mother? Or did he actually make
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  degrading comments about her looks or her age?
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  That would not be uncommon for women that think like If This
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  Were you treated well or did you have early experiences where men
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  possibly including your Dad? Or I honestly your mom to make
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  negative comments about your looks or maybe sort of cynical
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  comments about the world and about males usually and by the
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  way, if you're a man listening to this, if you're one of the
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  guys that's like oh all bitches want is money.
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  You had to hear this from somewhere, you know, 100%.
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  You heard this somewhere. There was some negativity and
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  misogyny. In your upbringing that made you
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  think of women this way. But anyway, back to the issue at
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  hand, if you did not have positive experiences with being
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  loved and cared for and with trusting males, then that is
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  usually what underlies, this sort of negative, and very
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  black-and-white, rigid view. So, think about this, if you are
• 15:45
  in this situation therapy, can really help you get a more
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  realistic. Eric and accurate view of
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  dating. Men relationships can help you
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  work on your self-worth and your confidence because so many of us
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  women who are divorced that are not supermodels, find love and
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  forget about love. Also, find plenty of men that
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  just want to date you and see if love is available and like just
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  men who just want to you know, take you out and have a good
• 16:18
  time at a conversation. There's people Just want to
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  connect. I mean, that's why it's so
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  crazy. When people say the stuff like,
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  Tinder is just for hookups, nothing is just for a cups,
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  literally men proposed a prostitute's you guys like you.
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  I mean, let's be real here in any situation where people are
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  even if they did come together for sex.
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  Like, remember Jesus? When I used to watch Real
• 16:41
  Housewives a long time ago, was Real Housewives of New York and
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  the one that lived in Park Slope, she met her husband
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  through a Craigslist hookup Casual encounter, you know, any
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  time when people get together, there's always a possibility for
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  there to be a real connection and because people really want
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  connection. They want it more than they want
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  sex. They want it more than they want
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  money. They want it more than anything
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  people want to be in loving connections with other people.
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  Yes, sometimes. There's some people that want to
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  meet for casual hookup but honestly, if they went to that
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  and it was like this awesome person.
• 17:19
  Awesome sex. They were like really Clicked.
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  Why would they not call that person again?
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  And see what would develop? I mean, so many people's
• 17:27
  relationships have started out as casual sex.
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  I mean that's just the truth. So there's never these hard
• 17:34
  stopped whenever you find yourself thinking about the
• 17:37
  world in terms of this category versus that category men who
• 17:41
  wants to X versus men who aren't relationships, women who want
• 17:44
  money versus women, who don't care Madonna versus whore, you
• 17:48
  know, asshole versus nice guy. No, These are not real.
• 17:51
  These are usually figments of you know they're there
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  archetypes their ways that you were raised to think and they
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  are probably doing you a lot more harm than good.
• 18:03
  And so hopefully this podcast episode made, you think a little
• 18:07
  bit differently about anything even if it's not dating examine
• 18:10
  your own biases and your own black and white thinking around
• 18:15
  various issues surrounding love relationships or even parenting
• 18:19
  or anything else. See, you know, there's no good
• 18:21
  versus bad, really, you know, that people unless they are
• 18:25
  these very, very, very small but fraction of a percent of people
• 18:30
  who are psychopaths. There are not people who are
• 18:33
  just bad people for no reason. And, you know, it's just not a
• 18:38
  real helpful way to view the world or to transmit that
• 18:41
  worldview to your kids because look what happened to you.
• 18:44
  You got that worldview and now you think so.
• 18:46
  Negatively and cynically anyway, hope everybody has a great day
• 18:50
  and And please do subscribe. If you like this content,
• 18:53
  bye-bye.