Latest / Thinking Out Loud | Kimberly / How Often Do We Accept Responsibilities that Were Never Ours to Carry? | Thinking Out Loud
Transcript
- Kimberly: How often do we accept responsibilities that were never ours to carry? I think we all have strengths. We all have weaknesses. There's nothing wrong with getting help from other people. truthfully I think we're supposed to. We're human. We need each other. We need community. sometimes other people outsource theirs onto us. I've experienced this before at work. I was sick during COVID. Shh. We don't talk about COVID. No, no, no, no. I had to cancel work. As I should have. I was met with, okay, who's gonna watch my child? I remember thinking, you. You're the parent. You're going to have to find a friend or family member to help you. You might have to even take the day off. I understand that's hard, I do. I have to make accommodations for my own kids. That's the difficult part about having responsibilities. Sometimes they are inconvenient because on the other side our jobs can do the exact same thing to us. Okay, but who's supposed to cover for you? I don't know. I didn't choose for the company to be operating with a skeleton crew. I'm not responsible for staffing. I'm not the parent of your child. They loved their job. I loved mine too. Loving my job doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be sick. Needing to stay home with your child doesn't mean I'm responsible for figuring out who will watch them. Both can be true. People get sick. People have responsibilities. People are allowed to make vacations. sometimes those things inconvenience other people. That doesn't automatically mean we've done something wrong. I can care about your situation without taking responsibility for it. I can understand why you need to stay home with your child without becoming the person who needs to solve that problem. You can love your job without making your job your entire life or risking other people's health. Maybe that's the part of what makes responsibility complicated. You don't only carry your own. Sometimes other people hand theirs to us, and sometimes we don't even realize we've accepted them until we're exhausted from caring something that was never ours to begin with. Welcome back to Thinking Out Loud. Hi, it's me Kimberly. Before we get any further, quick note, this podcast is for reflection and conversation, not professional advice. Take what resonates and leave the rest. Here we slow down and we explore life's great areas, especially in relationships and behavior patterns we can observe and reflect on. I am not here to tell you what to think. I am here to offer framework to help you understand your relationships, strengthen your thinking, and hold space for complexity. Let's get to thinking out loud. I realized recently how much people have taken advantage of my mental load. I get it. I'm smart. I can see things differently. I'm pretty good at problem solving. I can usually connect dots that other people might not immediately see and sometimes I don't want to. I don't wanna no thank you. Sometimes I am running on one brain cell and that brain cell is fighting for its life. I am out of capacity right now. Sometimes I'm over here thinking, Google it. I am not your personal Google. I am not your therapist. Please stop trying to make me your therapist. Seriously, pay me at the very least. I have bills to pay too. Here's the thing: I don't mind helping. Helping is one of my strengths. I like being able to make something easier for someone else. I like problem solving. I like brainstorming. I like finding connections. What I don't like is when my strength becomes someone else's shortcut. What I don't like people thinking they have the right to access that strength. When I'm sitting over here like, I'm sorry, it is house cleaning day and that takes everything out of me. So I'm working on my physical stamina, not my creative mode. that's offline for today. there's a difference between you're good at this, can you help me? And you're really good at this, so I'm not going to learn how to do it myself. those are two very different dynamics. I think we sometimes confuse them. we can become so accustomed to the person who is good at something helping us that we stop noticing how much we're asking them to carry. My husband and I actually have to navigate this all the time. My husband has more physical energy than I do. He's got muscles. He's got the stamina. we are a match made in heaven. What he makes up for in go go energy, I make up for in brainstorming and problem solving. that's part of how we complement each other. We have conversations about it because sometimes I need to get up and I need to get my own drink. More accurately, sometimes I need to tell myself, Kimberly, get your own drink. He just sat down. Sometimes he needs me to problem solve something that he couldn't very easily Google and I'm okay with that because supporting each other is part of being in a relationship. don't want to become responsible though for remembering a recipe that he could easily Google Or find it in a book. For me that's not support. That's me becoming a storage unit for information that another adult is perfectly capable of finding. That's the difference. At the same time, I'm perfectly capable of getting my own drink when he just sat down. maybe not when I'm sick though. Let's not get too crazy over here. And sometimes when he's sick, he needs me To give him an answer that would take a lot out of him too, Google. sometimes I like to see if he'll spoil me. Sometimes I like being taken care of. sometimes I like showing him, hey, look, I can do this myself. I don't have to depend on him on everything. I want to be able to lean on him without making him responsible for holding me up. That's the word I was looking for. Lean. I want to be able to lean on the people I love. Maybe not collapse onto them unless I need to. however I do want to feel capable. I don't want to collapse all the time. I do not want to hand them my responsibility. I do not want to make them responsible for keeping me functional. Simply lean. Sometimes that lean is going to feel bigger than others. Because I do struggle with low energy, especially when I'm dealing with anemia. There are days. Where I genuinely need more support. That's okay. Sometimes I need to focus on problem solving something important, like figuring out what preschool we're gonna send our daughter to. While I'm doing that, I might need my husband to get our daughter's drink for the fifth time in a row. That's not me outsourcing parenting to him. That's us sharing the load. Share the load. As Sam Wise would say. I'm using the strength I have in that moment. He's using the strength he has in that moment. Tomorrow it might look completely different. That's what I think gets lost when we talk about responsibility. Sharing responsibility doesn't mean everyone does exactly 50% of everything. Sometimes it's 80-20, 30-70. sometimes one person is caring more because the other person is sick. Sometimes one person has more mental energy. The other might have more physical energy. Sometimes one person might know how to problem solve. Sometimes the other person is the one who has the energy to actually execute the solution. That's not necessarily an imbalance. Sometimes that's cooperation. The question for me is whether we're sharing the weight or transferring the weight. Those can look really similar from the outside. They feel very different to the person carrying them. When I asked my husband to get our daughter's drink because I'm in the middle of researching preschools, I'm not saying you are responsible for our daughter. I'm saying right now, this is where my energy is most useful. He can do the same thing with me. that's interpendency. I can need you, you can need me. Neither of us has become helpless without the other. I think that's the sweet spot. I don't need to do everything myself to prove I'm independent. I don't need someone else to do everything to prove that I am loved. Sometimes we carry something for each other. And sometimes we remind each other Hey, that's actually your responsibility. Because being supportive doesn't mean removing every inconvenience from someone else's life. And sometimes loving someone means letting them carry what belongs to them. I think one of the questions we have to ask, can you say no to the request? If the answer is no, I think that's the biggest indicator that something has shifted. maybe you're not asking for help anymore. maybe your help has become an expectation. I remember how often I'd be called to look up something. I'd say, No, Come on, Kimberly, help me out. No. Then the escalations would begin. Sometimes they be salty, sometimes they get other people involved, and I'm thinking, Why don't you ask them to look it up? Heck, why did you put so much effort into your whining into telling other people to tell me what to do when it takes one minute to type and press send? I digress. Sometimes things are hard. Learning new skills is hard. Doing something we're not good at can be uncomfortable. sometimes that discomfort turns into shame. We think, why is this so hard for me? Everyone else seems to know how to do this. I should be better at this by now, right? Just because something isn't hard for someone else doesn't mean it isn't hard for you. Heck, doing this podcast, writing scripts, people are like, wow, that's so hard. For me, it's not. at the same time, for me, reading a book is hard. And I'm starting to realize it's not because reading itself is hard. It's I can't even listen to people on Audible or podcast at the regular speed. I have to speed it up if I'm going to retain the information. sometimes we think we're bad at something that we're not. It's just the way my brain reads it is too slow. The way someone is talking is too slow. my goodness, now I'm able to listen to podcasts because I realize that there is a way to speed conversations up. Game changer. I wish we could do that with movies and TV shows. Needing help isn't something to be ashamed of. here's where I think we have to be careful. Your discomfort doesn't automatically create an obligation for someone else. Someone can help you because they want to. Someone can teach you. Someone can do it for you this one time. Someone can even decide, you know what? I don't mind being the person who handles this. You don't get to turn their willingness into entitlement. you are not entitled to treating people like servants you can summon whenever you want something done. Unless that's between you and your partner, and that's your kink. We don't kink shame here, unless that's your kink. Even if you pay someone to do something for you, that still doesn't mean you purchase their entire existence. An employee can quit. A babysitter can say no. A housekeeper can stop taking you on as their client. A therapist can end a professional relationship. A contractor can decide your project isn't a good fit for them. You can pay someone for their labor. You cannot purchase their obedience outside of the agreement. They actually made with you. I think that's an important distinction. Sometimes we confuse access with ownership. If they work for me, they should do what I say. Well, they agreed to do a job. They didn't agree to become an extension of your body. I think we see versions of this in families too, especially between parents and children. Parents obviously have responsibilities that the child doesn't. A child shouldn't be responsible for managing the household. Becoming their parents' therapist, regulating their parents' emotion, becoming the family mediator, yet children can absolutely be expected to contribute to the family. You can ask your child to clean their room. You can ask them to help with dinner. You can teach them how to do their laundry. You can say, I need you to help me carry this. That's not outsourcing responsibility onto our child. That's teaching them responsibility. That's a difference. There's a difference whether we're saying this is part of learning how to take care of yourself and participating in your family, or I'm putting this on you because I don't want to carry it myself as the parent. I'm gonna fold my daughter's laundry when she can't do it herself. whether that's age appropriate or she's sick. I am going to support my daughter, or I'm gonna be girl, I'm sick too. I don't even want to do laundry. Laundry can wait. Wrinkles happen. those are very different things. I think the distinction follows us into adulthood. Sometimes we become adults who are still looking for someone to do things we never learned how to do. Sometimes we're the person who learned how to do everything and everyone starts coming to us. Need a recipe? Ask Kimberly. Need help figuring out how to fill out that form? Ask Kimberly. Need to research something? Ask Kimberly. Need to process your feelings? Ask Kimberly. Need to make a decision? Ask Kimberly. Eventually, you're not just helping people anymore. You're becoming the infrastructure that keeps other people's lives running. That's when I think we have to stop and ask. Am I supporting this person Or Am I preventing this person from developing the ability to support themselves? Those aren't the same things. This is where I think no becomes important. saying no doesn't make you selfish. No gives another person opportunity to find another solution. Maybe they Google it finally. Maybe they ask someone else that doesn't mind being asked. Maybe they figured it out themselves. Maybe they realized they knew how to do it the whole time. Maybe they learned a new skill. Yes, maybe they struggled. Struggling isn't always the problem we need to rescue someone from. Sometimes struggling is how we learn that we're capable. Like doing taxes. I think that applies to us too. If we're always the person saying yes, we can accidentally teach people. You don't have to figure this out. Kimberly will. When you become resentful that everyone else relies on you, sometimes we have to ask ourselves, did they actually make themselves dependent on me, or did I keep volunteering to be the solution? And that's an uncomfortable question. Sometimes the answer is both. Sometimes someone absolutely takes advantage of our willingness to help. Sometimes we have to admit that we made ourselves incredibly convenient for other people. We don't have to blame ourselves for that. We can change it though. I don't want to become someone who never helps. That's not the lesson. I want to become someone who helps without disappearing into the helping. I want to face my resentment before I'm willing to go blowing up relationships or you know coming in like a wrecking ball. I want to be able to say I've got you, but also say I've got myself. I want the people I love to be able to say the same thing. I don't want to carry your entire life. I don't want you carrying mine. I want us to be capable enough to carry our own lives. connected enough to occasionally carry something for each other. and I think the question becomes how did we find the balance? How do we learn to support others? without becoming hypervigilant? How do we accept help without becoming dependent on someone else to do everything for us? how do we become capable without convincing ourselves that needing someone makes us weak? I think we've swung between two extremes. one side says, I'll do everything myself. I don't need anyone, I'll figure it out, I'll carry it, I'll handle it. And sometimes that looks like independence, however, that's hypervigilance. It's believing that if I don't do it, everything will fall apart. It's never allowing someone else to help because I've learned that relying on people isn't safe and that's unfortunate I've been there it sucks. Then there's the other extreme. Someone else will do it for me. I don't know how. I can't. It's too hard. Someone else is better at it. Someone else figures this stuff out. sometimes that's a genuine limitation. Sometimes we become so accustomed to being rescued from discomfort that we never develop the capacity ourselves. I think neither extreme is particularly healthy. I don't think the answer is radical independence and I don't think the answer is learned helplessness. I think the answer is building each other up. I have low stamina doesn't mean I can't build my stamina. My husband needs help with mental load doesn't mean he can't build his own capacity for problem solving. I'm good at something doesn't mean everyone gets unlimited access to that strength. not being good at something doesn't mean you never can be. We all have strengths. People aren't entitled to them. We all have weaknesses. we all have the responsibility to our best with what we have. I want to emphasize our best is allowed to change. Our best when we're sick isn't our best when we're healthy. our best when we're grieving isn't your best when you've rested. Your best when you're learning isn't your best when you've been practicing something for 10 years. Capacity isn't stagnant. I think that's important because sometimes we treat people's abilities like they're fixed identities. She's just bad at math. He's not a reader. They're not good with people. They're just bad at technology. Maybe. Or maybe that's simply where they're at right now. Maybe you need support, not someone to permanently do it for you. Support that helps people build capacity. I think that's what communities are supposed to do. At least that's what I want communities to mean. Not everyone fend for themselves. not everyone else's responsibility for making my life easier. Rather, we're stronger when we help each other become stronger. I think somewhere along the way we've lost some of that. Compassion can feel scarce. Communities can feel transactional. sometimes we're so focused on whether someone is pulling their exact weight that we forget that people don't have all the same weight to begin with. Someone might be carrying something you can't see. Someone might have strengths you desperately need. You might have a strength they desperately need. That's the beauty of community. You're not supposed to be good at all the things at the same time. Imagine if we were, what would be the point? Not everyone needs to be a speed reader to be literate. Not everyone needs to calculate in their head at lightning speed to understand fractions. Not everyone needs to naturally be athletic. Not everyone needs to be the person who can organize the entire event. Not everyone needs to be the person who knows exactly what to say when someone is hurting. Not everyone needs to be the strongest or the fastest or the smartest or the most productive. Maybe we need to stop asking who is better and start asking, what can this person do? What do they need to thrive? How can we help them build on what they already have? There is a difference between meeting someone where they're at and deciding they're incapable of going anywhere else. If a child struggles to read, the answer shouldn't be, well, I guess they're not a reader. I was. I love reading. I'm just too slow at it. the answer also shouldn't be they're behind. so we're going to make them feel like they're failing until they catch up. Maybe the question should be, how do we treat this child in a way that actually works for this child? Give them a quality education. Give them access to resources, give them accommodations. when they need them, teach them skills, challenge them, support them, let them discover what they're capable of. The goal shouldn't be make every person identical. The goal should be give people the opportunity to become more capable versions of themselves. I think that applies to adults too. maybe my husband doesn't need to become me. Maybe he doesn't need to have the exact mental strength. Maybe I don't need to have his physical stamina, we can build the areas where we need to grow while still appreciating the things that come naturally to each other. That's what I mean when I talk about building each other up. I'm not asking people to become me. I'm not asking people to eliminate every weakness. I'm asking How can you help me become more capable without making me feel ashamed for needing help? I think that's the balance. I don't want to live in a world where the only options are do it yourself or someone else will do it for you. I want a third option. Let's figure it out. Maybe I know something you don't. Maybe you know something I don't. Maybe I carry this today. Maybe you carry it tomorrow. Maybe you need me to teach you and maybe I need you to teach me. Eventually you don't need my help anymore, and that's a good thing. Or maybe you don't need it all the time. The goal in helping someone shouldn't always be to make yourself indispensable. Sometimes it's the greatest gift you can give someone is helping them discover, I can do this. sometimes the greatest gift someone can give you is letting you discover the same thing. I think that's how we build community. not by pretending we're all equally incapable, by recognizing that everyone has value, everyone has something to offer, and everyone has room to grow. We don't have to carry everything. We don't have to leave people behind, Maybe we're supposed to do something much simpler. Lift each other up. Not so that someone can stay dependent on us, so eventually they can stand a little taller on their own. when we need the help, maybe they'll be strong enough to reach down and lift us up too. Back to the question. How do we support each other without taking responsibility away from each other? I think maybe the answer is we build each other up. We don't have to do everything ourselves. We don't have to make someone else responsible for everything we struggle with. We can meet people where they're at without deciding that's where they have to stay. We can offer help without taking away someone's opportunity to learn. we can accept help without giving away our own agency. Maybe most importantly, we can learn to share the weight without transferring it. Sometimes we need someone to carry something for you. sometimes you need to be carried. Sometimes you need someone to remind you, hey, you can carry this yourself. You are capable. None of those things make you weak. They're part of being human. I think we forget that everyone has something to offer. Not everyone is going to be the fastest, not everyone is going to be the strongest. Not everyone is going to be the best reader, the best mathematician, the best communicator, the best organizer, or the best problem solver. That's okay. Maybe our goal shouldn't be to make everyone equally capable in exactly the same ways. Maybe our goal should be to help people discover what they're capable of. Give them the support to grow from there. I also don't want to live in a world where we're told someone else will figure it out for you. I want the world where we can say, let's figure it out together. maybe tomorrow you won't need me. Maybe I'll need you. Maybe we'll both figure it out. Maybe we'll both struggle. Maybe one of us will carry a little more today and the other will carry a little more tomorrow. That's community to me. not everyone carrying the same amount, knowing that we don't have to carry everything alone. also knowing we don't have to carry what was never ours. Instead of asking, should I do it myself or should someone else do it for me? Maybe we ask, what can I carry for myself? Where could I use some support? Am I asking someone to help me? Or am I asking them to become responsible for me? perhaps most importantly, is the help I'm giving helping someone grow or making myself necessary? You can love someone without doing everything for them. you can need someone without becoming helpless without them. you can be capable and ask for help. You can be strong and lean and you can say no without abandoning yourself. you can say yes without taking on their entire life. Maybe that's the balance. not independence. Not dependence, interdependence. We lift each other up, not so that someone can stay dependent on us, so that eventually they can stand a little taller on their own. Then when we need the help, maybe they'll reach back and lift us up too. if you find yourself carrying something that feels impossibly heavy, maybe pause and ask, is that mine? If it is, maybe you don't have to carry it alone. If it isn't, maybe you can gently put it down. Your strength is yours to share. Your capacity is yours to build. Your life is yours to carry. whether you leave a comment, send me a message, or simply sit with the question yourself, I hope this conversation stays with you. Thank you for slowing down and thinking out loud with me. Until next time, take care of yourself. And remember, you don't have to prove your strength to be carrying everything alone. And you don't have to prove you're loved by giving someone else the weight that belongs to you. I'll see you in the next episode.