Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / What Does "Sexual Compatibility" Really Mean?

Transcript

What Does "Sexual Compatibility" Really Mean? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, I'm going to be talking about sexual
• 0:10
  compatibility. What that means, what it doesn't
• 0:13
  mean what people think it means that's wrong.
• 0:16
  And what to do if you don't have it primarily I want to help
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  people get it. You know, people that are single
• 0:23
  and looking or at least show that it can be gotten.
• 0:26
  But there are many of you that are struggling with sexual
• 0:28
  incompatibility and want to remediate that.
• 0:30
  So I will also address that before I get to that.
• 0:34
  Please do subscribe. My most recent one was on
• 0:38
  generalizations and when people generalize about quote, all men
• 0:41
  or quote all women, that is usually quote stupid.
• 0:44
  So you should, you know, reconsider and think about the
• 0:48
  cognitive biases that you're succumbing to when you are
• 0:52
  generalizing in this way and how really it prevents you from
• 0:56
  having fulfilling relationship? So that's my most recent
• 0:59
  episode. That's subscriber only.
• 1:00
  I've got like 90 now so it's pretty cool.
• 1:04
  You get like a Large large bolus of them.
• 1:07
  As soon as you subscribe, you have access to all these other
• 1:09
  ones on whatever podcast platform you listen to, all
• 1:13
  right? Um, so anyway, what is sexual
• 1:15
  compatibility mean? Well, a lot of people think that
• 1:18
  if they just had more sex than it would be better and that is
• 1:23
  not true because, you know, frequently after working with
• 1:27
  me, people can end up having more sets, but that only works
• 1:30
  if you're sexually compatible, I mean, it works.
• 1:34
  Don't get me wrong. Wrong.
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  It works physiologically. You can have more sex if your
• 1:38
  partner empathizes with you and becomes aware that sex is a real
• 1:42
  thing. You know that, you know, isn't
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  stupid and isn't useless and sometimes that's honestly what
• 1:48
  couples counseling is in. This regard is basically
• 1:53
  explaining to one partner. That sex is a love language.
• 1:56
  You know what physical touch is a real need and it's the same as
• 2:00
  whatever that person's need is but and that can usually get
• 2:03
  some more sex quite honestly. The more attempts, you know, to
• 2:06
  have sex. But if you're not sexually
• 2:08
  compatible, then having sex once a week, versus once a month, you
• 2:13
  know, it's really kind of not everything, it was cracked up to
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  be and that's not just because it didn't hit some sort of
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  frequency, you know, point that you've imagined, it wouldn't be
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  good with three times a week either, if you're not sexually
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  compatible. So then what does sexually
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  compatible mean? It means you're turned on by the
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  same things. So, Yes, men and women can be
• 2:36
  turned on by the same things. And and when you do click, click
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  with someone sexually in quotes. Clicking that usually means that
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  you're sexually compatible, so you're turned on by similar
• 2:49
  sorts of things. So you can refer back to the
• 2:51
  erotic blueprints quiz because that's super relevant and have a
• 2:55
  podcast on erotic blueprint. So, let's take the kinky one for
• 2:59
  example. So if somebody likes the idea of
• 3:01
  like power dynamics and sex, you Really like explain that to
• 3:07
  somebody who doesn't you? Can explain it intellectually
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  and as I discuss later certainly explaining it intellectually
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  could get you better sex then not explaining it where they
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  have no clue what you're thinking or talking about but
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  sexually compatible means that both people innately do like
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  power dynamics and sex. One likes to be dominant.
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  One likes to be submissive one is a switch whatever the case
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  may be. But either way, they both need
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  Some sort of mental component to the sex life.
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  It is not just about bodies and touch or intercourse.
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  So for the sexual blueprint it's really just about screwing, you
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  know, I be like that's what's exciting and for the sensual
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  blueprint it's about like giving pleasure to our bodies.
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  But for the kinky people, it's really about these taboo ideas
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  and this whole like mental framework that sex is situated
• 4:02
  in and that's why I like quite SLI, like when people are single
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  and they go on dating apps that are more geared towards sex.
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  They find better sex IV because they, and it's not just because
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  they're finding people who like, to, to have sex a lot, it's
• 4:17
  because they're finding people were sexually compatible.
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  So, you know, they say, oh, my interest is BDSM or I have a
• 4:23
  foot fetish, or I have a furry fetish, or whatever the hell and
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  another person does too. And so they click, they click
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  sexually. So what does it mean to?
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  To click sexually. If you do not have a kinky
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  fetishes, because most people can understand that.
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  Okay? One likes to be dominant, one
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  likes to be submissive. All right, there a fit, like
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  Legos for interlock into each other, but what about a sensual
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  person? Well, think about it like this.
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  I always have these people that want to take a shower with their
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  significant other, right? And the they want to shower
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  because you're thinking about this is like this sensual
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  experience were touching the water's coming down.
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  It's like a waterfall. Room is steamy, it's like so hot
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  like a sex scene. And if the other person doesn't
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  have a sensual blueprint, they don't know what the fuck you're
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  talking about. Literally they're like
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  literally, we're wasting water literally, like the point of a
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  shower, is to be clean. What in the world like, why am I
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  here, you know, like what is going on?
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  Why would we have a bed to have sex in?
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  Like, you know, why would we be doing something standing up in
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  the shower? I don't even understand.
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  And it's like, it's hard to Plane is like, literally hard to
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  explain and that's not to say that to people with a sensual,
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  blueprint will like the same activity all the time.
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  So, like, you know, one person may like massages more one
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  person may like to be in the shower more, but at least, I
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  could kind of understand where each other's going with it, you
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  know, like at least they both have the idea that a sex scene.
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  Think about it like this. I guess, would you be turned on
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  by the same sex scene in a movie, you know?
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  And if the answer is no, then it's unlikely that you are
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  innately. Only compatible, but, you know,
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  and and so before I get to what to do, if you're not sexually
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  compatible if you're single, it's like really a good thing
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  for your mental and emotional, health to intentionally, couple
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  yourself with somebody with whom you're sexually compatible.
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  That is really a positive. That is something you should be
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  looking for. And what does that mean?
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  It means that you're going to have to be courageous and not
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  not like, hide what your interests and your predilections
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  are at the beginning. Inning in order to be what I
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  have previously called a gentleman eunuch, or a people
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  pleaser for a woman or whatever. Like you can't just try to do
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  whatever they like in bed and then assume that somehow, they
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  are going to later. Do what you like in bed.
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  They, they think. Listen, this is, could be a
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  mind-blowing Epiphany for you, but when people are doing what
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  you want in bed, they I think that they're doing what you
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  wanted met. They think that you're there
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  doing what both of you want in bed and the same thing, if
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  they're doing what they want in bed, they don't think that you
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  are doing something they want. They think we are both doing
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  something we enjoy. This is like a really key
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  realization. Not just about sex, but about
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  anything in a marriage. People, don't generally
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  interrogate, hmm. I guess this sex act is for him,
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  but this other one is for me. People don't really think like
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  that unless Less they are like either preoccupied.
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  Attachment thinks I'm more a bit more like that may be highly
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  sensitive people but the average human being thinks we are doing
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  X in bed because we both like X in bed.
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  So the so interesting, right? Because a lot of guys say she
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  used to go down on me all the time and then what happened and
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  she's like. But I thought you knew that that
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  was just for you. He didn't know that.
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  He thought you both liked it. You were thinking.
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  Oh, this is Is that we just did this because he likes it but he
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  was thinking why would she do anything?
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  She doesn't want to do. That's the default of how like
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  more people than not think why? Would somebody do something?
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  They don't want to do? If our sex life can be
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  represented by x. X is something we both must like
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  because otherwise why are we doing it?
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  So what you got to do is like take that realization forward
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  and if you are on the dating Market never engage in X, if you
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  don't like X or say well X isn't like Anything that I'm too into,
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  but I love to make you happy, say it outright so that they
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  don't think that you are both bonding over love of X.
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  Say, you know what, I'm not that into BDSM but you know what?
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  I'm willing to try it, you know, I'm up to trying it.
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  Cool. I am good giving a game, GG G
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  and so I'm willing to try it. But that way the person knows
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  that you are not like mr. BDSM, right.
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  And so, you know what, you're risking their of course, is that
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  they're going to decide to go find mr.
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  BDSM but The good part is that you're not going to have to sell
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  yourself as mr. BDSM for a lifetime when you're
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  really not, okay, so then what do you do?
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  If you're not on the dating Market, if you are actually
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  married to somebody with whom you deeply, you know, fear you
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  are sexually incompatible with, well, you know, you can't rewire
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  them can't rewire you, but at least you can try to understand
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  one another and get to a middle ground like you would with any
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  other aspect of life. So that would entail explaining
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  yourself more, explain your fantasies explaining what you
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  think of as sexy because they may have no idea.
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  So it's like, on Reddit like yeah life.
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  I've explained like I'm five is something that people say when
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  they mean, give me a very simplistic, lay persons, you
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  know, example or explanation of what you're talking about.
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  So that would mean that things that you have thought were very
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  obvious. You would have to explain like
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  your partner is 5, of course, that's creepy in the Explain
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  BDSM to a five-year-old but you see my point?
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  So you would say something like to me, you know, this sensual
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  component of sex is what's really erotic.
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  So although I appreciate you saying that we could have sex
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  for five minutes at a time three times a week that's never going
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  to be what turns me on what turns me on is a lot of foreplay
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  and build up and touching. So for me you know the Point of
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  intercourse, isn't intercourse. It's all the stuff before to me.
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  That's what makes it sexy. Honestly, I would rather
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  masturbate than have a five-minute intercourse
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  encounter because to me, it's so it's not sexy at all.
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  That's a pretty good explanation, right?
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  If somebody with a sensual blueprint, trying to explain
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  themselves to some of the sexual blueprint.
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  So then finally, because these sexual blueprint people, by the
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  way, they feel like I am giving him a lot of sex man.
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  We are having sex and sex and say we have sex Monday Wednesday
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  Friday. And what they're not realizing
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  is if you have sex Monday, Wednesday, Friday, but
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  altogether at equals to about 12 minutes total.
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  You know, then the person honestly would rather have gone
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  without in many cases and I speak to many men in particular
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  with a sensual or a kinky blueprint.
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  We're just not sexual there's also an energetic one.
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  So just refer back to the other podcast but people with and non
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  just plain All blueprint that are like I'm more depressed
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  after we have sex because it amplifies like my awareness that
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  we are sexually incompatible and also what's so interesting, is
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  that the sexual blueprint person often has not explain themselves
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  very good at all right. So if they were to say, what
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  turns me on is like your penis? Well, you know what, a lot of
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  men could really do work with that very well, as long as they
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  were aware, that there was something, because here's the
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  thing, if it's sensual or any, Blueprint person is with a
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  woman, let's say, because I frequently see see this in the
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  mail filled with the woman as the sexual, you know, men get a
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  rap is though. They have sexual blueprint that
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  they just want quickies I see far more women.
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  That just one quick he's for whatever that's worth.
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  So the man thinks that she's just trying to get it over with
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  because for a person with a different kind of blueprint,
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  having five minutes sex just literally means that the woman
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  is tossing, you a bone and she just can't A no pun intended and
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  she just cannot stand you. So she just going to like phone
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  it in 45 minutes and in reality some of these women are enjoying
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  themselves. They really are they think they
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  have a good sex life. And this goes back to what I was
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  saying before about those women, don't think a lot about sex.
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  So they assume well, she had, we have 5 minutes of sex.
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  Good thing we both liked it, you know, we're so sexually
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  compatible these, poor people think, you know, and wow, you
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  know, we really just, we can make the best of the five
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  minutes that we get. We are just really compatible.
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  Double, meanwhile, the guy who does not have a sexual blueprint
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  is like dying because he feels that this is like the worst.
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  Like this is, it's like, you know, it's like a Greek myth.
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  It's like, you know, Sisyphus or Tantalus, or something, like,
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  your water water everywhere, but not a drop to drink.
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  That's saying like, he's getting laid all the time, but it's all
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  terrible, you know? And the woman has no idea, so
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  frequently people can explain themselves.
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  Even the sexual person could explain herself to the Will
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  person is such a way, that it might be more erotic, right for
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  him to think, boy, she's really into my penis.
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  Awesome, cool. You know, that's better than
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  thinking man, she just cannot wait to be done with this
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  encounter, which maybe what he would think.
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  As a sensual blueprint person, if he ever limited it
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  encountered, 25 minutes, that would be his rationale that he
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  couldn't stand the person. But it isn't the woman's
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  rationale because she has a sexual blueprint so explaining
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  yourself to your partner is a key Real aspect of increasing
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  compatibility. You cannot rewire somebody.
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  You really cannot usually make them turned on by things that
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  they never were turned on by, especially as their sex
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  hormones, you know, decrease in older age.
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  So, you know, there's a window fetishes for example are
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  developed in childhood, you know.
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  And I think that in puberty and like your 20s.
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  You can like be put on a certain Track by like an exciting sex
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  scene or something like that. And then you can open up your
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  Mind. Right there are very few people
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  when they are sex hormones, decrease particularly women.
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  There's like a tremendous decrease like around 40 and
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  Beyond, you know, because that's when your estrogen literally
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  goes down, people aren't liking new things necessarily, but they
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  can certainly do new things for the love of somebody else.
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  If they understand it and men are more often, the
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  shapeshifter, sexual, or rather erotic blueprint, the
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  shapeshifter one is basically. I'm down for anything, because
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  men have a lot of testosterone, they really can be down for
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  anything. Men.
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  Can more often learn to like other things and women can
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  because women aren't, you know, they don't have such a high
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  level of testosterone anyway. And particularly with in
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  monogamy, they are mental the mental component of the erotic,
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  you know, is really not there either.
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  They're like, not really thinking about sex that much.
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  They're not really feeling that sexual, but for a man, it's just
• 15:31
  like, if somebody's really hungry, they're going to like a
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  whole bunch of Of different food than if somebody's not really
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  hungry, then they're going to be much more picky.
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  So that's the analogy with the man and the woman in terms of
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  innate biological levels of testosterone and relatedly sex
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  drive. All right.
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  Well, hopefully this was interesting to.
• 15:47
  You got gave you some new things to think about in the sexual
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  compatibility domain. Everything is predicated on
• 15:52
  communication and everything's come is predicated on empathy.
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  And if somebody that you love communicates their, their
• 16:00
  preferences and their, you know, what turns them on if they
• 16:03
  communicated very Well, and you love them.
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  Then you really may want to please them in those ways that
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  now, you know, that you should be doing, whereas, before you
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  may have thought everything was fine.
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  So, this is a really a call to Arms to kind of get over
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  yourself and get over whatever your partner may think or judge
• 16:21
  or whatever, you only live once. So if you're in a sexually
• 16:24
  incompatible marriage, what do you have to lose?
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  What's the sex gonna get worse? Probably, not much.
• 16:29
  So, you know, just explain yourself as well as you can and
• 16:32
  maybe there could be some sort of meat.
• 16:34
  I'm of the minds that you don't know about, all right, I'll talk
• 16:37
  to you soon. Have a great day and please do
• 16:39
  subscribe.