Latest / Dam Parenting / Sexless Marriage? When You Feel Like Housemates Who Share a Bed | DAMSex

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Sexless Marriage? When You Feel Like Housemates Who Share a Bed | DAMSex · Dam Parenting

0:02
Hi and welcome back to Damn Parenting, the one and only
0:05
English speaking parenting podcast from the Netherlands.
0:08
We're taking a little break right now, but we'll be coming
0:10
back fresher than ever in August.
0:12
Don't worry, we're not leaving you hanging.
0:14
We've dug into our archives to bring you some of our most
0:16
popular episodes. These are the ones you've loved
0:18
the most, either through the download numbers, the messages
0:21
on Instagram or e-mail, or even just the fun conversations we
0:24
have enjoyed when we bump into you around the city.
0:27
Today's episode on Damp Chats is a special revisit to our damn
0:30
housing episode, which only came out last month.
0:32
We've heard from so many of you that this topic has really hit
0:36
home, whether you have gone through it, are going through
0:38
it, or will be going through it soon.
0:40
Housing in Amsterdam can be an underestimated and unexpected
0:44
challenge. But we are all in this together.
0:46
So let's dive into the stress, the surprises, and the hopes
0:49
that make it all worth it. Grab your coffee, keep peddling
0:52
your bike, or keep walking on and know you're not alone.
0:55
Here is our damn housing episode just for you.
0:59
Hey there, before we start this episode I wanted to jump into
1:04
your ears straight away and let you know how you can support us
1:07
best with this podcast so we can keep this going.
1:11
So the most important thing that when you have listened to this
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episode would be share, share, share.
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Spread the word, drop our name, drop us in the conversation.
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If you see a question popping up somewhere, say the damn
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parenting ladies, they have an episode on this.
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Pop the episodes out. Get us into the conversation of
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the communities. This is the best way to support
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Eva and me and give us a like on Spotify.
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Give us a follow jump over to Instagram Damn parenting
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podcast. Make sure that you spread the
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word about what you like, why you like the episodes and that
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you spread the knowledge that we are putting out there so it can
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be heard and received by everyone who needs to hear at
1:54
this. And this is what why I just
1:57
wanted to drop with you before now you can enjoy them that or
2:02
an expert episode. So let's see what's going to be
2:04
on. Hi everyone and welcome back to
2:09
Dan Parenting, your English speaking parenting podcast from
2:12
Amsterdam. And we are your hosts, Marvin
2:15
and Eva. We were thinking, OK, what is a
2:19
topic that we can pick up from this weekend?
2:22
Because Eva and I have been frantically texting about very
2:25
big thing that's going on in Eva's life.
2:27
We thought, why don't we bring this to the table?
2:30
And we thought about inviting an expert, but then we also
2:33
thought, what's the value really going to be from that expert?
2:37
And I think especially with this topic, you really wanna get the
2:40
real answers, the itty gritty, nasty truth and the stress and
2:44
all that. So we are talking about finding
2:46
a house in Amsterdam or finding a house in the crater area,
2:51
let's put it that way. And Eva, congratulations, has
2:56
just after how long, how long have you been looking?
2:59
OK, so the truth is we started looking when we found out we
3:02
were pregnant 4 1/2 years ago. All right, so there you go.
3:06
And she signed finally in last week.
3:08
Well, no, because because of COVID, we realized, OK, the
3:11
first year not so important and then second year COVID really
3:14
still had an impact. So technically it's 2 1/2 years.
3:16
OK, so anyway, you finally signed after what felt really
3:21
like a lifetime and you made it happen.
3:24
You hit all the boxes that you wanted to hit, which was also
3:27
extra challenging because you were looking for the golden
3:30
nugget, a ground floor apartment with no stairs.
3:34
Yes, I know some people are going to be like, OK, like why
3:37
the? Parents in your.
3:38
House. Exactly.
3:41
I have five flights of stairs here in the house.
3:44
Yeah. And also what we, why we wanted
3:46
to have a chat about this topic is because even I had very
3:50
different experiences from finding our houses and going
3:53
through very different journeys to nail that one down.
3:57
So why don't you give us a little insight on how it has
4:01
been for you. And especially also what we
4:04
wanted to address was not just how do we find a house, of
4:06
course, but because we are damn parenting.
4:08
And we also talk about relationships and we talk about
4:11
a little layer deeper. How was this whole journey also
4:15
with your partner and how, what were the issues or what were the
4:20
topics that you ran into when and going on that crazy journey
4:24
of finding a house? It was one of those things where
4:27
I'm just crippling and honestly, I brought it up constantly to my
4:30
therapist. See any way to put it?
4:32
So I think one of the problems I had was you have two different
4:37
people from two different cultures and I had a specific
4:40
way I was raised and I ideally would like to be raised that
4:42
like in the same way my husband also had a similar bringing, but
4:45
was also extremely open. And obviously we wanted to stay
4:48
in Amsterdam around the same area we are still living in.
4:51
And it was one of those things that is like, OK, how do we do
4:53
this? So you have your wish list.
4:55
And then it was a case of, well, this is my wish list.
4:57
It wasn't our wish list. It was mine.
5:00
And after like two years, it was like, maybe I need to go easy
5:05
and kind of be more flexible maybe.
5:07
But it was just that thing that I honestly was just, it was a
5:10
very stressful period of time. And I do believe I could feel
5:13
it, the tension in the house and the energy wise with my child.
5:16
And I could, you know, it was reflected upon it, I felt
5:19
because things were getting tight, you know, you're getting
5:20
very short of space with a child that's growing astronomically
5:23
because she's half touch. So yeah.
5:26
But also with school choices and just where do you want to like
5:30
start the routes for your child? In what environment, in what
5:34
district? Where are your friends moving?
5:36
Like it's really like long decisions.
5:38
I mean, the good thing is that Amsterdam, me coming from
5:40
Berlin, where you have to take the subway everywhere, 20 or 40
5:43
minutes, it's relatively reachable wherever you live.
5:47
But of course, now I do this schlep from, I live on Prince
5:52
Island and now I have to go back to the pipe for the daycare.
5:55
So I know what it is driving three times a week, 20 minutes
5:59
each way. So it does take a lot of time
6:01
and energy. So you do want to be mindful of,
6:03
OK, where is the school that we want to go to?
6:06
Where is the environment that we want to be in so we don't add
6:10
this extra layer of all this traveling and going over the
6:13
whole city? Yeah, Well, that was the other
6:14
thing was when it came to school choices, I basically sat in my
6:17
hands because I was like, well, we don't know where we're going
6:19
to live. We don't know where we're going
6:20
to live, but our headline was in I think March and we had to put
6:23
something down. And I was like, damn it, like
6:25
OK, And I just put the one at the end of my school night down.
6:27
And The funny thing is the house that we bought, when I asked
6:29
them, where do you, your kids go to school?
6:31
They were like, oh, far down here.
6:33
And I was like, oh, if they asked, oh, where's yours?
6:35
And when we said this school, they were like, that's the
6:37
school we wanted, but because of our postal code, we weren't
6:39
allowed applied for it. So I was like, oh, OK.
6:42
And it's actually a shorter distance than his kids school,
6:45
weirdly, he said. But are.
6:46
You still going to be allowed to go to that school then?
6:49
Yeah, because we've been accepted, people move, you know,
6:52
you you don't have to go to schools.
6:53
There was so much involved. And the thing was, as I said,
6:56
you have your wish list and it was constantly like this ideal
6:59
life in my head. But The thing is, I'm never
7:01
going to get my semi detached house with a massive back garden
7:04
and a front garden. And you're, you know, you don't
7:07
have that in Amsterdam. And I really struggle with
7:08
actually kind of trying to accommodate to be saying these
7:11
are apartments, you know, we're going to get an apartment.
7:13
You know, that was that kind of thing that I was really
7:14
struggling with. You know, just to kind of go
7:16
into the, the nitty gritty kind of of it all, I guess was when
7:20
we got the Mackler, my husband kind of just chose it.
7:22
And I was on a couple of those Facebook accounts, like
7:24
streaming, like who suggested who?
7:26
And I was going through it. And at the end of the day, like
7:29
we went with a Dutch Mackler who basically my husband negotiated
7:32
with because you, you're meant to negotiate with him
7:34
apparently, which I wasn't aware.
7:35
I spoke to your husband actually about that during that period as
7:38
well. And we came up with this terms
7:40
and agreement, but I was very vague on it.
7:42
And then anytime I was watching or reading other people talking
7:45
about their house hunting, people were like, Oh, here's a
7:47
house. And they came and viewed with us
7:49
and they showed us this and this.
7:50
And I'm like, I'm the one who did all the work, I'm the one
7:52
who looked for all the houses, I'm the one who arranged the
7:54
appointments. And I was on Reddit, Netherlands
7:56
housing on Reddit, by the way, it's an excellent supportive
7:59
resource for many of us. And yeah, the, the struggles and
8:02
we put some bids in and we didn't get the bids.
8:05
And I mean, the bidding system here is also a new concept that
8:08
was kind of crushing actually as well is like that bidding ping,
8:11
closed envelope, basically bidding.
8:13
And, you know, you really start putting your heart into it
8:15
going, I got it, I got it. And then at 4:00 on a Friday,
8:17
you get a phone call to say you didn't get it.
8:19
And what a way to spend your weekend with your children.
8:21
Like, kind of like feeling like crap and having to start all
8:24
over again on this damn search. Yeah.
8:26
And then it. Rains all the time and you're
8:27
caught in your old apartment. Does not make it any better.
8:31
Yeah, it's. Yeah.
8:33
And so The thing is, it really was like a full time job is the
8:36
only way I'm going to put it. This became a full time job and
8:38
it became a recession. And it was basically, and this
8:40
is how I ended up doing it. Well, so I'm on Thunder every
8:42
single morning. I'll check it or every evening.
8:44
But I also then click created all the website links of all the
8:47
different estate agents because I believe they put it up on
8:50
their website 1st and then it might go up on fun day a couple
8:53
of days later. And then I realized, oh, some of
8:55
them moved to Insta. So I ended up setting up an
8:57
Insta account and followed all the Macklers, you know, selling
9:01
like. OK, you really like you've
9:04
you've done, you've done it all. Yeah.
9:07
And it's honestly, it's crippling.
9:09
And I do wonder if we had agreed that our Mackler is the one who
9:12
goes out and searches and provides us instead of me doing
9:15
all the searches, if that would have been better for my mental
9:17
health and time and energy. Yeah.
9:20
But then also it's like, OK, if you put this into someone else's
9:24
hands, how thoroughly on a they're going to do it and
9:27
you're not their only client. So it's like, of course I get
9:30
it. And especially if you are under
9:32
somewhat of a time pressure or just need to get out of there
9:36
for different reasons, then of course you don't want to be
9:39
someone in their book that OK, now I have to look for a house
9:42
for this family, but I have 10 other families that I also need
9:45
to find houses. And then you have competition
9:47
within their client base and all that.
9:49
So I guess I mean it is no one can prevent themselves from like
9:52
not doing it so. Yeah.
9:55
And I, I think, you know, just to give a broader text, like
9:58
we're living in a one bedroom apartment with a 3 1/2 year old
10:02
because before we found out we were pregnant and we didn't know
10:05
if we'd be able to get pregnant. We were like, you know what, we
10:07
prefer to travel. That's all we ever did before we
10:09
got pregnant and that was our thing.
10:11
So we were like, you know, we only need a small place, we
10:13
don't need much. But then that became a major
10:15
tension for us that we were in such a small place as our child
10:18
was growing and growing. And so the pressures were there.
10:21
And so when it became two, there was huge pressure.
10:23
When it became three, it became enormous.
10:25
And then it was like, Oh no, the school deadline is On this date,
10:28
so this is our deadline. And we kept missing all these
10:30
deadlines. And so it was immense pressure
10:33
that way. For us it was.
10:34
On your relationship, 'cause it's like not only no one gets
10:38
privacy, like you don't get privacy as a couple.
10:41
Your daughter who gets older and also my daughter shuts the colet
10:45
door and from me and said, Nah, I need some privacy here.
10:48
I'm like, oh gosh, so this is like Speaking of the
10:52
relationship layer of this whole process.
10:55
It is, yeah, it's not it. It really affects you on
10:58
different levels and it puts extra pressure.
11:00
So everyone who's sitting in that boat, it's totally okay.
11:03
You're not a failure. You're not doing anything wrong.
11:06
This is just the reality of things.
11:08
If you are living in a contain space and these are the
11:11
challenges that you face and it's not easy, it's not easy.
11:15
No, I mean, we have like one of those kitchen, sitting room,
11:19
living room, kind of just open space with one bedroom.
11:21
And the thing was like if you make noise in the kitchen, it's
11:24
the wall with the bedroom. And we had to get it like, you
11:27
know, we got dressed basically in the sitting room before we
11:30
went into the bedroom. You know, it was overwhelming
11:32
and it was very stressful. And I do know, like I think I
11:35
know now three people in the last four months who've now
11:38
bought a home or bought unsold and none of them are in
11:41
Amsterdam. You know, they just got lucky.
11:43
And they said, you know what, we have a specific mindset.
11:46
And so we're going to go out, we're going to buy a car, and
11:48
this is how we're going to live our life now.
11:49
You are the. Only person in my close friend's
11:52
circle who still lives in Amsterdam.
11:54
Everyone else just sent me over the last couple weeks and
11:57
months. Hey we found a house.
11:58
I'm like, Oh my God, where 20 minutes car ride like every.
12:02
Yeah, everyone is moving out, of course, because the market is
12:05
still very crazy from coming from crazy prices down to
12:10
nothing is available. Yeah.
12:12
So it is. It's like we are in tough times.
12:15
It's not an easy market where you just go out, you search for
12:18
a month, you search for a couple of weeks and then you got it.
12:21
But it's really you have to put in the work.
12:22
Every apartment that's thrown on the market has so many people
12:26
interested. And so it is.
12:29
Yeah, Yeah, you're the only one who's who's left with me in
12:32
Amsterdam. Everyone else is like going.
12:34
Well, I mean, I completely understand it.
12:36
It's just the fact that like, you know, sidebar note, I guess
12:39
is like my husband worked shifts.
12:41
And so The thing is if he works until say 4:00 in the morning or
12:44
so, there's no trains. Like I know some of his
12:46
colleagues will sit in the train station until the first train.
12:49
So that's an hour and a half or two hours.
12:50
And I'm thinking in my head, there's no way that's a life
12:52
that I want to have for my family.
12:53
And so that's why it was a case of when we were setting out our
12:56
goals, we also had realistic goals of kind of, well, you
12:59
know, this is really, it's not just the lottery.
13:01
The school system is the lottery here.
13:03
The housing paying is just selling yourself to the devil to
13:06
be able to say, OK, this is what we're going to put up with.
13:07
And yeah, I mean, honestly, we bought our house after seeing it
13:10
for I think 10 minutes in total between the two of us on two
13:13
different days, Macalar. And everyone got to see it.
13:15
And we were like, this is our only shot.
13:17
So what exactly did this macala do then for you?
13:19
Yeah, well. I didn't charge.
13:21
You some some permission he oh, you know.
13:25
Find the apartment yourself or. Was that was me and I arranged
13:28
the appointment? No, actually, do you know what's
13:30
really funny was what he did was he suggested certain people like
13:34
you have a taxateur or an advisor or the, the, I can't
13:37
remember the appraiser. That was it.
13:38
And actually this is a funny story is like when you're
13:41
actually putting a bid on a house, you have conditions.
13:43
So you might want to have evaluators come and check the
13:46
house just to make sure how it is.
13:47
Also, you have a time frame of the whole signing process and
13:51
how you know the deposit or whatever.
13:52
And the average time frame is 6, six weeks.
13:54
And our Mackler says if you bring it down to four weeks, you
13:57
know, they had the seller is like having the security, you
13:59
know, so do that. So that means you have to have
14:02
all your finances and everything done within four weeks.
14:04
There was a freaking holiday week in our four weeks that we
14:07
weren't aware of. No one told us.
14:10
So we missed one week. Not only that, the appraiser,
14:14
the person who comes and values your house, the Mackler
14:16
arranged, he came, he saw the selling house.
14:19
Apparently the number he put forward, which has to be
14:22
certified to get your bank bridge loan stuff, he got
14:26
audited by the housing association and they were
14:29
challenging his model. And so we were waiting 2 1/2
14:32
weeks, which is normally a two or three day wait.
14:35
We again were wait. And I mean that was causing
14:37
again, a lot of stress and a lot of pressure on my relationship
14:40
because we are so, and you're like, why is it taking so long?
14:43
Why is it us? Why is it us?
14:44
Why is this, you know, this is only us, you know, this is
14:46
ridiculous. And so, I mean, there's things
14:48
like that that happen and you know, you're wondering why am I
14:51
paying someone €700 to walk into my house for, for a 5 minute
14:54
job, walking around looking at everything and then they walk
14:56
out. And The funny thing is that's
14:58
the one. If you sell something, you have
15:00
to pay for the 700, but if you buy it, you have to get another
15:03
person to come in to do the exact same job and again, pay
15:05
€700. I mean, there's all these little
15:07
costs that really crept up that we weren't aware of.
15:10
That mark class, I'm just going to throw this in there for
15:12
anyone who's in that process. Some mark class also have the
15:16
license to be an appraiser and then sometimes.
15:19
So that's what we had when we had someone come in to evaluate
15:22
our apartment that we sold before we bought the house that
15:25
we're in now. He is also a Macler and he said
15:28
I if you then hire me as a Macler, you get the costs back.
15:32
So some of them do that as well when you then sign up as a
15:36
client. So if you want to save a little
15:39
cost or if you find a Macler and then oh by the way, you also see
15:42
there an appraiser, then this could be also a tip to lookout
15:46
for. Yeah.
15:47
And the other thing was we went with a small group, so there's
15:49
literally like 2 individuals working for their company.
15:52
So they, they, they actually would work at the weekends.
15:54
So like, I mean, they would work seven days a week if they had
15:56
to. But at the same time, you're
15:58
also stuck to their times as well.
16:00
And I have heard from other people who were in a group.
16:02
So if they didn't like their macular, they got moved to
16:04
another person, which I they were very assured about and they
16:06
were very happy. Yeah.
16:07
Basically this episode, like as Martin said, like I'm just
16:11
texting you abuse basically, and ranting on WhatsApp of just
16:14
like, Oh my God. Like this is like I'm, you know,
16:17
they say moving house, divorce and death, I think are the three
16:21
most stressful periods on a person's life.
16:23
And I really. And having children.
16:25
Well, yeah, obviously, but I mean, I really underestimated
16:28
and especially I think they need to add that to the Netherlands
16:31
specifically. Like behind or selling a home in
16:34
the Netherlands as well is also a new one.
16:36
And because it's so different. And The funny thing was because
16:39
I have family living in three different continents, they were
16:42
all giving me their opinion of what happens.
16:44
But it's from their system point of view, which is so different
16:47
to here. And so I'm constantly getting
16:49
that added stress and then it kind of pushes a button or
16:51
triggers me and I'm kind of like, you know, just like I'm
16:54
just so like, stop, you know, that doesn't happen here.
16:56
So it's not helping me. And you know what?
16:58
Equally. When you come from Germany, it's
17:01
much easier to buy a house here because we've gone through the
17:04
process of Germany and it's that's a nightmare.
17:06
So coming here, that was like, OK, easy breezy walk in the park
17:10
notary. Boom.
17:10
Done. Well, funny enough.
17:12
My brother got a house like a couple of weeks ago and like, he
17:15
just saw it, liked it, and I was in love with his place.
17:18
And then like, he put a bid in and he won it.
17:19
And like, he was annoyed that he didn't get the joy of this
17:23
stress of trying to look for houses.
17:25
It was a very yeah. So when I was chatting to him,
17:27
it was quite funny how he had a different system in Melbourne
17:30
versus how we have it here. Speaking of having no stress, if
17:34
anyone I know you're getting sick and tired of Marvin saying,
17:38
well, actually I didn't have that problem or I hate to say
17:41
but mine. Was like, yeah, like a deep
17:44
breath, people. Yeah.
17:45
So if you want to hear the other end of the story, which by the
17:48
way, I didn't force, I didn't focus on, I didn't like nothing.
17:52
It just came to me. I found my house on Instagram.
17:55
I still can't believe it. Yeah, I know, I know.
17:58
So I follow a person who did a house tour for the Magla who was
18:03
selling our house. And this person said, oh, I did
18:05
this collaboration with this Magla behind the scenes.
18:09
And if you want to see the house, this is the link.
18:11
So actually you can find my house still on TikTok and
18:14
Instagram. I'm not going to say which
18:16
mocklet is, but yeah, it's, it's still out there.
18:18
Now it's very transformed, but it is still there.
18:22
So yeah, that was the story there.
18:23
I, I saw the house and it was like you said, I wasn't
18:26
frantically looking, but I was starting to look because the
18:29
apartment that we were in was also getting quite small.
18:31
And we had the decision if we're going to do a major gut
18:34
renovation to get some more space or we invest the money and
18:38
buy a new place. The problem, problem in
18:41
quotations was that everything that newly renovated I didn't
18:45
like. Like, I can't appreciate why
18:47
people like the style that these houses were renovated like.
18:50
But it was just nothing that I liked.
18:52
And I thought, well, I'm not going to buy a brand new kitchen
18:54
that I hate. And then I either going to hate
18:56
or rip out. So it was just never an option.
18:59
And this was the 1st house where I said, OK, yeah, I can, I can
19:02
work with this. This is nice.
19:03
It's like a good solid foundation.
19:05
Yeah. And then we we saw, I saw the
19:06
video. I, I sent the MACLA an e-mail a
19:09
week later, we had the appointment.
19:11
And I think we then this is also something my, my husband is
19:14
American. So obviously he's going to
19:16
gamble and he's not, we're going to pay the full price in this.
19:19
So he made like a very low ball offer and then we didn't even
19:22
get a response for two days from the MACLA.
19:24
And then they said, Oh, your offer was so low.
19:26
They're not even going to counter.
19:28
Like they don't like take you seriously.
19:30
And that, of course, then sent my husband into a big spiral of
19:33
like, I'm going to show you who you're going to take serious and
19:36
not so. He wrote a big.
19:38
Low e-mail Why the price is the price you said and why like
19:42
let's negotiate. So at the end of the day, we
19:44
settled down. But yeah, so then a week later
19:46
we accepted and put our house on the market, which was an other
19:51
story because we had a long story of selling our other
19:54
apartment. But yeah, that was it.
19:55
So Instagram 2 weeks later, boom, here we are.
19:58
Yeah. And on the other flip side for
20:00
us selling was I felt pressure from our Mark Alar.
20:03
And it was literally like, clean your house out.
20:04
And I'm like, I have stuff from when my baby was born still in
20:07
this apartment. We had to pack everything, move
20:09
everything. The photograph came in.
20:11
I was in therapy that morning, I can tell you.
20:13
And I sat there looking at my therapist going, it's a
20:15
photographer coming in a few hours.
20:17
I don't know how I'm going to deal with this.
20:18
Like, I'm really like, frozen. I'm overwhelmed by the speed.
20:22
Need of how my Heckler does nothing, then we buy a house,
20:25
and then he's quickly trying to sell our house like we're trying
20:27
to get dismissed or rid of. Is basically how I felt.
20:30
And yeah, it was very. Different, yeah, because we had
20:33
such a long process of selling our house because also we bought
20:37
at peak price point for the house that we have now So
20:40
obviously we needed to get a good number on our other
20:42
apartment, which was then right. We had also a little bit of time
20:45
pressure because we knew the market is going to crash and we
20:48
wanted to get into these We also had six weeks.
20:51
We had six weeks where the market was still somewhat high
20:54
and then we knew as soon as it's gonna hit it's gonna fall so we
20:57
wanted to sell within these six weeks, which didn't happen at
21:00
the end of the day, it took us almost a year to sell so that
21:03
was then the other side of selling the apartment was not
21:07
easy. I'm stressed you had.
21:08
Yeah. And stress.
21:09
Yeah. And you had.
21:10
A year of stress, then of that sitting above your head.
21:12
So yeah. Yeah, and double mortgages all,
21:14
all that stuff like it wasn't, it was not cute.
21:17
It was really not cute. However, I still am happy that
21:19
we that we did it. But yeah, that was then I guess
21:23
all the stress that I didn't have hunting the house, I had
21:25
done selling my other house. So I guess it is stress.
21:27
And also speaking on a relationship level again, yes,
21:31
even though we didn't have the stress of finding the house,
21:33
then moving into it, then we did have a couple of problems with
21:36
it and it just took a long while also to do the, the stuff that
21:40
we wanted to change about it. And, and then having this other
21:43
apartment sitting above our head was just always a friction and a
21:47
tension. And because I was responsible
21:50
also for like checking, going there every week, running the
21:53
water like it was just the full other like thing on my plate
21:57
where I, and when there was a big storm, I was like, Oh my
22:00
God, are they going to the shindles are going to fall off?
22:02
Is the leak going to stop again? Like all this stuff when it was
22:05
freezing cold, all of a sudden I was like, I have to turn on the
22:08
the heat or turn it off or the water.
22:10
It's like all this stuff that you have to do then.
22:13
And yeah, it was. It was just not easy on top of
22:15
the the financial pressure of course that you have, which
22:18
always puts pressure on your relationship.
22:21
Yeah. And like, so that's kind of the
22:23
reason why we're doing this episode is basically we're
22:25
sharing our story of like, yeah, we've gone through it.
22:27
As I said, I'm 2 1/2 years solidly trying to do something.
22:30
And finally it's worked. And I'm beyond grateful to the
22:33
point that I'm just, I'm overwhelmed still.
22:35
And as I said, I'm going to therapy and I'm just talking to
22:37
my therapist constantly like going, oh God, and then this and
22:40
then this. I'm so grateful for it.
22:41
And The thing is, I really appreciate now when people are
22:44
putting their houses for sale, when you walk into them and you
22:46
see how clean it is. I know now what it's like to be
22:49
putting your house on and how clean you need to put it and
22:51
hide all that shit away. I also know what it's like never
22:54
to even get the appointments because, you know, sorry, we're
22:56
full. You know, it's really hard.
22:58
And as I said, like I not just did Funda, I created all the web
23:02
links of all the Macklers I could find.
23:04
I also created the Instagram account.
23:06
I mean, I was doing anything and everything.
23:07
I also cycled around and kept my eye out for any, what are they
23:10
called as signs? Yeah, exactly.
23:14
It's a crippling experience. And I think many of us are going
23:17
to go through it, have gone through it, are going through
23:19
it. And I really just want to kind
23:20
of give you a shout out and, you know, really wishing everyone
23:23
the best because it is, I think, really impactful on my mental
23:27
health, on my physical health, my emotional health, my
23:29
relationship, my relationship with my daughter, the tension in
23:32
the air of the house as well, you know, so it's, it's a
23:36
really, really stressful period. And yeah.
23:39
And The thing is, is like some people are telling me, oh, I was
23:42
just talking to my colleague and they told me their house was for
23:44
sale and that's how I bought my house.
23:45
And you're like, that doesn't fucking help.
23:47
You know, it's just kind of like, I don't have those
23:49
colleagues. Yeah.
23:50
And equally also don't feel guilty if you feel these
23:54
feelings because of course we are in the privileged situation
23:57
to buy a house. However, it doesn't reduce the
24:01
stress. So don't feel guilty that you're
24:04
feeling the stress and you feel overwhelmed and you feel all
24:07
this tension. This is normal.
24:08
Although like I said, we are very fortunate that we even have
24:12
the choice to do that. However, we are also entitled
24:15
and allowed to feel these feelings and be stressed by it
24:18
because it is a stressful experience.
24:20
And also when you are already come arriving here and coming
24:24
from another country and then you have that shock and then
24:28
finding a house. I mean, it just puts this extra
24:31
layer of to your home. Like you want to create a home,
24:33
you want to have a place to land, you want to to be
24:35
comfortable and you want it to be something that gives you
24:38
shelter within this new environment.
24:41
So it really it's OK. Like you are entitled to your
24:44
feelings and don't feel stressed and guilty that you feel
24:48
overwhelmed when there is people who are not in your situation
24:52
maybe where they cannot buy a house.
24:54
It's still stressful. And also to add something that
24:56
you said to me as well, and I think other people have said it
24:59
is you're not buying a forever home.
25:00
This isn't what you like. You mean you could always sell
25:02
as well if you're not happy. And I did meet someone who were
25:05
so happy. They bought a home and they were
25:07
so thrilled. And then within one year, they
25:09
were moving back to their old location because the school
25:12
wasn't a fit for their kids. They generally weren't happy.
25:14
They didn't find the community that they thought they were
25:16
going to find, even though they knew the area.
25:18
And so they had to move within 12 months.
25:21
So it ends up costing them quite a lot of money.
25:23
But The thing is like, that's always an option to know about.
25:26
And I think that's still hard for me as well because it's just
25:29
the markets just so beyond insane.
25:31
That's a good, good thing to always keep in mind that and
25:34
this is coming back to this, this wish list where you're
25:36
like, oh, you're, you're looking for the house.
25:37
And then of course, you have in in your mind, this is the house
25:41
where you see yourself that in 20 years, in 15 years, in like a
25:45
long time span. So be mindful that the house
25:49
that we that I am living in now, I knew this is not going to be
25:52
my forever home, but it is. I was planning for 10 years.
25:56
I thought, can I see myself here for the next 10 years?
25:59
Yes. So I will give it to go.
26:01
If I would have said, oh, I can see myself here for two or three
26:04
years, I would have probably not done it.
26:06
However, if you are in a position where you say, all
26:09
right, we were planning to leave in five years or three years,
26:12
then this is totally fine for us.
26:13
So always keep in mind like what's the time frame for for
26:17
this house or for this apartment?
26:19
Yeah. And as Marin said, when we were
26:21
opening it, I really was getting back into my usual research kind
26:24
of thing and I was thinking, oh, let's bring on a Mackler, let's
26:26
bring on a hypothetic. Hypothetic.
26:29
I don't even know if I'm saying that right.
26:30
You know, let's bring on people to have these discussions to
26:33
give us the insurance and outs, but the reality is it's not
26:35
about showcasing the topic itself and the businesses.
26:40
The whole thing really for us was actually about our mental
26:42
health and it was really about acknowledging this is hard
26:46
giving our self like permission to be overwhelmed, to do
26:50
nothing, to just be in the moment.
26:52
And I, I don't know who said it's me recently, but like our
26:56
move will be coming up shortly where we finally actually move.
26:59
It's a case of it is going to be a mess and you know you are
27:02
going to move, but The thing is just kind of not lean into it,
27:05
but just kind of like take it step by step as it were.
27:08
And it's just that whole thing of just kind of ticking off each
27:11
day. I have my countdown calendar.
27:13
Like, I mean, I'm really kind of very much focused on the end
27:15
result, but at the same time, that's technically me holding my
27:18
breath for the move, which also is not healthy and so.
27:21
Are we going to have another podcast about your renovation?
27:24
Oh, there's not going to be a renovation.
27:25
Actually, the building that we're, the apartment we bought
27:28
is basically this. Too much water damage from the
27:31
outside because it's a massive building and so the whole area
27:34
has to have regrouting. And so we're going to be living
27:37
in a leaky house for a couple of years until the grouting is
27:40
done. So no, no renovation in the
27:42
foreseeable future. But this is the thing we
27:44
accepted this house knowing that we are going to live in this
27:46
terms and conditions. But you know, that's, that's
27:48
the, that's what I gave up to kind of go, you know what,
27:51
there's going to be lease coming in, there's going to be damp or
27:53
whatever. We know how to manage it and
27:55
control it until the grouching is going to be done by the Viva
27:58
A, the housing association. So yeah, that that's, that's the
28:01
terms that like that was the flexibility I have to give for
28:03
us to take the apartments. Well, well, so you'll be hearing
28:06
more about Eva moving, settling in.
28:08
We hope we will keep the episodes coming out.
28:11
And you know that you can catch us every Monday and Wednesday on
28:14
Standparenting podcast. If you want to give us a follow,
28:17
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28:45
And hopefully we'll hear you on the next episode.
28:48
Bye.