Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 94. Low Libido or Just Overstimulated by Life? Let’s talk Sex 💦

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94. Low Libido or Just Overstimulated by Life? Let’s talk Sex 💦 · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Apogey Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm actually
0:13
Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.
0:14
Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to
0:17
Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
0:20
Speaker 1: We'd help you shed the shame, grow to new level.
0:23
Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
0:26
Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.
0:28
Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self. Welcome back
0:31
Speaker 2: to another episode of She Rises. I'm Tiana and I'm
0:34
Speaker 2: actually happy.
0:34
Speaker 1: Mondays to have a fresh week.
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Speaker 2: And as you like it, we are going to talk
0:38
Speaker 2: about sex.
0:40
Speaker 1: Nothing new here.
0:40
Speaker 2: It's your favorite topic now it is.
0:42
Speaker 1: We actually did a poll on our Instagram stories and
0:44
Speaker 1: sex and controversial topics took the lead. So here we are.
0:48
Speaker 1: You guys say that it ruffles a few feathers, but
0:50
Speaker 1: you still love it.
0:51
Speaker 2: You still love it absolutely back for more. No, today's
0:54
Speaker 2: topic is all about having a low libido and like,
0:57
Speaker 2: what happens to your libido when you are stretched, when
1:00
Speaker 2: you're feeling emotionally overwhelmed, when life is starting to take over,
1:03
Speaker 2: and how it is impact from your day to day
1:06
Speaker 2: life and how to kind of get it back. So
1:08
Speaker 2: we want to have a conversation all about that and
1:10
Speaker 2: kind of diving deep all into ludo.
1:12
Speaker 1: But before we get started, watch your share of the week.
1:14
Speaker 2: My share of the week is actually something at a
1:17
Speaker 2: place called hot Of Markets on the Gold Coast. It
1:20
Speaker 2: happens on a Sunday, and they have these like buckwheat
1:23
Speaker 2: wraps that are the most insane thing ever. Like, trust me,
1:27
Speaker 2: if you just go to Hotder Markets, I'm not sure
1:29
Speaker 2: of the name of it, but you'll see people walking
1:31
Speaker 2: around with these really extravagant buckwheat raps.
1:34
Speaker 1: See hydrated buckwheat as the rap.
1:36
Speaker 2: They're in like a cone shape, and you just follow
1:39
Speaker 2: the people.
1:39
Speaker 1: You can get salmon. What are the protein? Can you
1:41
Speaker 1: get with it?
1:42
Speaker 2: And get salmon? I get like a truffle mushroom one
1:45
Speaker 2: and I ask, it's actually really delicious that I add
1:49
Speaker 2: bacon and I add avocado and it is ten out
1:52
Speaker 2: of ten.
1:52
Speaker 1: They're like twenty five dollars. Though, yeah, a little bit
1:54
Speaker 1: more prissy, you know. What to think about the price
1:56
Speaker 1: as we speaking about this morning is because the process
1:59
Speaker 1: of dehydrating a wrap takes like twelve hours. Actually dehydrating
2:02
Speaker 1: anything can take twelve to twenty four hours. Why wow,
2:05
Speaker 1: there you go. It's so worth it. Yeah, Like I
2:07
Speaker 1: know it's such a luxury, but try it at least once.
2:10
Speaker 1: Just go to home markets before eight am because after
2:12
Speaker 1: eight am it gets packed and really does it's very
2:15
Speaker 1: overwhelming in this nomit to sit. Yeah, such a beautiful market,
2:17
Speaker 1: but yeah, it's really busy.
2:18
Speaker 2: It's very fun.
2:19
Speaker 1: Mine's TV show it's called Sirens on Netflix. It's not
2:23
Speaker 1: a huge series. I think there's eight episodes, but it
2:26
Speaker 1: was just really good.
2:27
Speaker 2: Yeah.
2:27
Speaker 1: It's like this billionaire family and all the ins and
2:29
Speaker 1: outs of what's happened, and it's based around her pa
2:32
Speaker 1: okay and her life. Her sister comes in and they've
2:36
Speaker 1: had a crazy life together and it brings up all
2:38
Speaker 1: of her past. And then the billionaire it's his second
2:40
Speaker 1: wife and in their relationship and just how it all
2:43
Speaker 1: pans out. And apparently there's a season two coming. But
2:45
Speaker 1: it's really good. It's easy to watch, but keeps on
2:47
Speaker 1: the edge of your seat.
2:48
Speaker 2: Okay, So like drama is it romance? Is it a
2:50
Speaker 2: bit of all thriller?
2:51
Speaker 1: Maybe not thriller, but drama romance and just twists and
2:55
Speaker 1: turns and things that you just don't think will happen.
2:57
Speaker 1: And lots of big, strong personalities. Fun really recommend it.
3:02
Speaker 1: All right, So let's get on to talking about labis
3:05
Speaker 1: because this is a very common problem for a lot
3:08
Speaker 1: of women, I think, especially mums. So let's talk about
3:11
Speaker 1: it before we get into it. Like what even is albedo?
3:14
Speaker 1: Albedo is our overall sexual desire, but it's so much
3:18
Speaker 1: more than that, so much more than just feeling horny.
3:20
Speaker 1: I think people just think low libido means I'm horny
3:22
Speaker 1: or I'm not horny. But there's so many different things
3:24
Speaker 1: that impact your libido. It's your life force energy, it's
3:26
Speaker 1: your spark, You're inner fire, and it's influenced by your body,
3:29
Speaker 1: by your brain, your emotions, your hormones, your relationships, your
3:32
Speaker 1: self worth, your stress levels, and even your damned to
3:35
Speaker 1: do list. Yes, so it's not just one thing. I've
3:38
Speaker 1: had kids, now I don't have a libido when you
3:41
Speaker 1: have kids. There's so many laysers to wipe your libido's
3:44
Speaker 1: affective because when you have kids, you are more tired,
3:46
Speaker 1: You probably have resentment if you're not communicating with your partner.
3:49
Speaker 1: Speak from experience with Taje. Your hormones are very, very different.
3:53
Speaker 1: You're sleep deprived. You're trying to figure out how to
3:55
Speaker 1: live a new life and find a new normal. You're
3:57
Speaker 1: trying to be the boss, babe, mum, You're trying to
3:59
Speaker 1: look after the kids. You're trying to keep your self
4:01
Speaker 1: care up, you're trying to have an intimate relationship. There's
4:03
Speaker 1: so many things going on. All of that is impacted,
4:06
Speaker 1: even if you don't have kids. If your libido isn't high,
4:10
Speaker 1: it could be health reasons. It could be lack of connection,
4:12
Speaker 1: it could be lack of desire, it could be boredom.
4:14
Speaker 1: You could be bored as fuck in the bedroom with
4:16
Speaker 1: your partner. So true, there's so many reasons why that
4:18
Speaker 1: libido is low, and there's so many things that you
4:20
Speaker 1: can do to pick it back up. So that's what
4:22
Speaker 1: we're gonna talk about today. So good.
4:24
Speaker 2: It's so funny. Even like in my personal experience with
4:27
Speaker 2: having a low labido, on the moments where I've had
4:30
Speaker 2: a more low libido and that sexual drive and that
4:32
Speaker 2: sexual energy is when I don't prioritize my relationship with myself.
4:36
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, So when I noticed that, like I'm dipping
4:38
Speaker 2: in and out of even self pleasure or taking care
4:40
Speaker 2: of myself or being gentle with myself and really taking
4:44
Speaker 2: care of myself. I find that my sex drive kind
4:47
Speaker 2: of goes up or down. But like what you mentioned,
4:49
Speaker 2: it's not just your sexual desire. It's not just that.
4:52
Speaker 2: It's like that life force energy. And when you feel
4:55
Speaker 2: like you don't have as much of that life force energy,
4:57
Speaker 2: you feel a little bit like life is a little
4:59
Speaker 2: bit like dull somethings. You know, it's like not as
5:01
Speaker 2: exciting and not as lit up, You're not as creative.
5:04
Speaker 2: But then when you you prioritize that and you can
5:06
Speaker 2: access that take care of yourself so that you do
5:09
Speaker 2: feel that central, playful, pleasureful energy, you pour that into
5:14
Speaker 2: every area of your life.
5:15
Speaker 1: It's so true. The number one thing for me, for
5:19
Speaker 1: Steve and a lot of other people I know, is
5:21
Speaker 1: stress and your nervous system. When Steve is stressed, if
5:25
Speaker 1: he's having a hard season of work, it is like
5:28
Speaker 1: a switch has been flicked off. Yeah, he just does
5:30
Speaker 1: not think about it. It doesn't crave it, and we
5:32
Speaker 1: will openly talk about it and he's like, I'm just
5:34
Speaker 1: so stressed, like I can't think of anything else. Yeah,
5:36
Speaker 1: and then when things are cruisy again, you can see
5:38
Speaker 1: it like come back to life. For me, definitely stress
5:42
Speaker 1: and exhaustion. If I'm exhausted and i feel like I've
5:44
Speaker 1: got nothing left in the tank. Sex it's just like
5:46
Speaker 1: the last thing in my mind. But it does take
5:49
Speaker 1: conscious effort as well. Yeah, and a lot of communication
5:53
Speaker 1: around what does make you feel turned on, what does
5:56
Speaker 1: light you up, what does make you feel alive, what
5:58
Speaker 1: does make you feel desired, what you enjoy in the bedroom,
6:01
Speaker 1: Because once you understand that around each other, Like say,
6:03
Speaker 1: for me example, at the moment, what really turns me
6:05
Speaker 1: on is sexting with Steve. I love it. It really
6:09
Speaker 1: turns me on. It gets me excited. And when I'm
6:11
Speaker 1: turned on and excited, he's ben turned on excited, and
6:13
Speaker 1: we both feel alive. We're having fun and we're being playful,
6:16
Speaker 1: and it's the fourth play throughout the day, not just
6:18
Speaker 1: in the bedroom. Yes, and that's kind of being really
6:21
Speaker 1: helpful for us lately, even if I'm tired or stressed,
6:24
Speaker 1: because I've got that playful, flirty energy with him during
6:26
Speaker 1: the day, it overflows to when we are actually intimate. Yeah.
6:30
Speaker 1: So I think I used to just say, oh, I've
6:32
Speaker 1: just got a low libido, but I don't want anyone
6:34
Speaker 1: listening to think that's just normal. It's not another thing
6:37
Speaker 1: I'm doing too, which I have an appointment next Monday
6:40
Speaker 1: with the Natch path. I've got all of my blood's done.
6:43
Speaker 1: Literally every single blood test that you can think about
6:45
Speaker 1: I have had done and we're going to go over
6:47
Speaker 1: all of that. So if you are constantly tired, getting migraines,
6:51
Speaker 1: or things are happening in your body, it's something to
6:53
Speaker 1: look at. It's not just normal for you to feel
6:55
Speaker 1: so shit and tired all the time. There is so
6:58
Speaker 1: much to look at. Your sleep, your nutrition, your blood's
7:01
Speaker 1: especially if you are a post part and mum, you
7:03
Speaker 1: should be getting your bloods in every single year. Yeah,
7:05
Speaker 1: kids and breastfeeding it depletes so much of your nutrients
7:08
Speaker 1: and all your vitamins and minerals that goes to your
7:10
Speaker 1: babies and your breast milk and pregnancy and birth, and
7:12
Speaker 1: it's a lot for your body to endure. So getting
7:15
Speaker 1: your bloods and making sure that you're looking after yourself
7:17
Speaker 1: the best that you can will help massively. So I'm
7:20
Speaker 1: really excited to see if there's other ways that I
7:21
Speaker 1: can support my body.
7:23
Speaker 2: Yeah, that'd be cool. Yeah, especially with everything post surgery
7:25
Speaker 2: as well. I'm making sure that you're taking care of
7:27
Speaker 2: your whole system.
7:28
Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, definitely very good.
7:31
Speaker 2: Yeah, I definitely feel you on the stress front. Like
7:33
Speaker 2: if I'm mentally and emotionally stretched or my capacity feels stretched,
7:37
Speaker 2: I don't feel like it's the first thing that I
7:39
Speaker 2: turned to.
7:39
Speaker 1: Oh you know, normally takes a back seat for anyone,
7:42
Speaker 1: I think, yeah, in relationship.
7:43
Speaker 2: Or not, because there's just like, when you've got so
7:45
Speaker 2: much going on mentally, you go yeah first, like unless
7:48
Speaker 2: you kind of have got a habit where like you're
7:50
Speaker 2: using it as like a coping mechanism, then obviously that
7:52
Speaker 2: falls into like that's a whole other conversation coming out
7:55
Speaker 2: to that. Yeah, a whole lot the kettle of fish.
7:57
Speaker 2: But yeah, it just seems to be the thing that
7:59
Speaker 2: takes a back seat. But you can see how different
8:01
Speaker 2: you feel when you do have a low labita versus
8:03
Speaker 2: when you have a high one, because you just I
8:05
Speaker 2: feel like two versions of myself.
8:06
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, right, Yeah, I feel like.
8:08
Speaker 2: I'm more tapped in, turned on, tuned in to myself.
8:12
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, that's what I'm decribing live. Yeah, we're talking
8:15
Speaker 1: to you about this lately because I feel like I'm
8:16
Speaker 1: in my sexual era.
8:17
Speaker 2: Yeah you are.
8:18
Speaker 1: I just feel so much more alive and happy.
8:21
Speaker 2: Yeah.
8:21
Speaker 1: You know they joke about that, like after glow sex
8:23
Speaker 1: they get those dolphins. That's real. It's very true. It's
8:26
Speaker 1: not something to joke about. It's actually real. So when
8:28
Speaker 1: you're doing that regularly, you regularly feel lit up and
8:31
Speaker 1: alive and turned on and happy and excited and flirty
8:34
Speaker 1: and fun, and that playfulness gets to come out even
8:37
Speaker 1: if there's chaos.
8:39
Speaker 2: There's something that I read once and it was like, oh,
8:40
Speaker 2: if you want to know if someone's having good sex,
8:42
Speaker 2: just look at the wife. Oh look at how glowy
8:44
Speaker 2: she is, and you'll be able to tell.
8:45
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, so true. It's fun. That's so funny.
8:48
Speaker 1: Steve and I went for a stay k. We had
8:50
Speaker 1: two nights down there. It was just so beautiful. I
8:52
Speaker 1: actually didn't post about it and talk about it, just
8:54
Speaker 1: went away, unplugged, just connected with him. We really plugged
8:57
Speaker 1: into each other. Yeah, and we we came back and
8:59
Speaker 1: the kids were chaotic, and came back to work and
9:01
Speaker 1: then I had this story of like, oh, we have
9:03
Speaker 1: to go to stay ks to be able to access
9:05
Speaker 1: that deep level of intimacy and connection and be super sexual,
9:09
Speaker 1: Like is that just when we go away? Because we
9:11
Speaker 1: were both stressed and like tied a couple of months
9:14
Speaker 1: before that, and then I was like, oh, I don't
9:16
Speaker 1: want that to be truth. How do I bring more
9:19
Speaker 1: of that into my day to day?
9:21
Speaker 2: Like?
9:21
Speaker 1: What do we do away? That was so awesome and
9:23
Speaker 1: that had us so plugged into each other?
9:24
Speaker 2: Ya?
9:25
Speaker 1: How do I now bring little bits and pieces of
9:27
Speaker 1: that into my day to day? And we're doing it. Yeah,
9:29
Speaker 1: it's cool. Yeah, it's not the same as being on
9:30
Speaker 1: holidays or being on a stake, but there's little micro
9:34
Speaker 1: moments every single day that keeping us feeling alive and
9:37
Speaker 1: turned on and connected in that playful, pleasurable way. So
9:41
Speaker 1: now we're thinking I had a low labido when I
9:42
Speaker 1: was stressed. It's like, no, there was other things to
9:45
Speaker 1: look at. Yeah, So don't just blame it on one
9:48
Speaker 1: thing and think that's just how it has to be,
9:50
Speaker 1: because it doesn't have to be like that.
9:51
Speaker 2: And like what you were saying before, it takes conscious
9:53
Speaker 2: effort because it's like you guys are both consciously choosing
9:56
Speaker 2: in every moment to stay plugged into each other as
9:59
Speaker 2: opposed to like let everything that's kind of happening or
10:01
Speaker 2: go back to like old ways of being or old
10:03
Speaker 2: have it pulling back into that. You guys are staying
10:05
Speaker 2: plugged in and.
10:06
Speaker 1: Having conversations around it too, Like I didn't realize how
10:09
Speaker 1: much sexting turned me on, how much I loved it. Yeah,
10:11
Speaker 1: he didn't realize that either, because I communicated and he's
10:13
Speaker 1: not a mind reader. So it's actually having the conversations
10:16
Speaker 1: with your part, Like this really turns me on, This
10:18
Speaker 1: lights me up, This makes me want more of it,
10:20
Speaker 1: This makes you feel closer to you, say that to you,
10:22
Speaker 1: I want to be touched by you more, and both
10:24
Speaker 1: of you being able to communicate that. Then you've got
10:26
Speaker 1: a checklist. It's like so much easier to get there
10:28
Speaker 1: and to connect and to be able to bring that
10:30
Speaker 1: energy in.
10:31
Speaker 2: Yeah, you've got like a roadmap of like how to
10:33
Speaker 2: get back into that energy.
10:34
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's beautiful. Another one that I think really gets
10:38
Speaker 1: to libido Lowe's resentment. I think it kills your sex life.
10:41
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, if you're not having conversations about things that
10:44
Speaker 1: are upsetting you, that have hurt you expectations, resentment will
10:48
Speaker 1: just be the killer of it all. And you've got
10:51
Speaker 1: to talk about it. Yeah, you have to bring it up.
10:52
Speaker 1: It's so uncomfortable, and you have to take responsibility for
10:55
Speaker 1: the part that you've owned and also hold them up
10:56
Speaker 1: to a high standard being able to have those conversations
10:59
Speaker 1: and take responsibility for the part they've played.
11:01
Speaker 2: Yeah, it definitely is a hard one, isn't it. I
11:03
Speaker 2: feel like because resentment, it's like you feel disconnected from
11:05
Speaker 2: your partner. So it's like there's a lever you pull away,
11:08
Speaker 2: there's a part of you that's not feeling fully safe. Yeah,
11:10
Speaker 2: and so what I found is, you know, in the
11:12
Speaker 2: moments where I don't fully feel safe with the partner,
11:14
Speaker 2: like you said, your sex drivee completely goes and you
11:17
Speaker 2: almost feel what's the word. It almost feel like you're like,
11:20
Speaker 2: am I asexual?
11:22
Speaker 1: Oh?
11:22
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know when you're just like but I just
11:24
Speaker 2: I used to want it so much or I felt
11:26
Speaker 2: super connected even when I was single or even in
11:28
Speaker 2: the beginning of the relationship, but now all of a sudden, something'
11:31
Speaker 2: dropped off and something is different. But it really is
11:34
Speaker 2: so much deeper than that. It's not just about that
11:36
Speaker 2: sexual desire. Like, think about how safe you've got to
11:38
Speaker 2: feel as a woman, especially in our current day and age,
11:41
Speaker 2: where like, you know, women feel super unsafe all the time.
11:44
Speaker 2: How safe you have to feel in your body and
11:46
Speaker 2: in your relationship to be able to access that pleasure part,
11:49
Speaker 2: you know, because it's a very much a head game,
11:51
Speaker 2: Like if we don't feel safe in our head and
11:53
Speaker 2: our minds or in our body, we're not going to
11:55
Speaker 2: turn on that pleasure, you know, what is closed.
11:58
Speaker 1: Absolutely, and back on the mom stuff too. I definitely
12:02
Speaker 1: thought every new mum just doesn't want to has no libido.
12:06
Speaker 1: You've just given birth, you're covering. That was the case
12:08
Speaker 1: to me. I did not feel like having sex straight away,
12:11
Speaker 1: but I had a girlfriend who was like two weeks later,
12:13
Speaker 1: like wanting to have sex again, so turned on, so connected,
12:16
Speaker 1: the relationship was solid, and I was like, oh, okay,
12:19
Speaker 1: I've made up this story that everyone's just tired, exhausted,
12:22
Speaker 1: you just disconnected. It's about the baby, and like, yes,
12:25
Speaker 1: it is all those things. But she also could access
12:28
Speaker 1: pleasure and connection and desire and fun and all those
12:30
Speaker 1: things whilst in the middle of taking care of a
12:33
Speaker 1: new baby. And it was really coo evidence for me
12:35
Speaker 1: to be like, oh, this gets to be different and
12:38
Speaker 1: I found such a difference from having Taj, my son,
12:40
Speaker 1: who's nine. We didn't have sex for like five months
12:43
Speaker 1: afterwards because I was healing and it was sore and
12:45
Speaker 1: I was tired, and I was just going through stuff
12:47
Speaker 1: and he was going through stuff, and we just weren't
12:49
Speaker 1: connected very well, not communicating. There was resentment, yeah, and
12:51
Speaker 1: there was tyler. I remember at six weeks being like,
12:53
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, am I allowed to have sex now,
12:56
Speaker 1: I'm ready, I'm ready connected with beautiful pregnancy together, had
12:59
Speaker 1: a beautiful labor experience together. It was just so nice
13:02
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, this is so different.
13:05
Speaker 2: Yeah, what a contrast expert or that. You got to
13:08
Speaker 2: look at that and look at that belief though, Yeah,
13:10
Speaker 2: change the story around.
13:11
Speaker 1: That, because sometimes when you tell yourself a story, you
13:14
Speaker 1: actually believe it's the full truth. You convince yourself, you'll
13:17
Speaker 1: tell all your friends, you'll tell the story again, and
13:19
Speaker 1: something happened. You're like, oh, it's because of this, it
13:22
Speaker 1: becomes your full truth and no one can change your
13:24
Speaker 1: mind on it.
13:24
Speaker 2: That's a good point.
13:25
Speaker 1: And then I was like, oh, maybe that's not the truth.
13:28
Speaker 1: Maybe things can be different in this situation. Yeah, it
13:31
Speaker 1: was really cool. It's interesting when you talk about that.
13:33
Speaker 1: I even obviously I don't have children, but when I
13:35
Speaker 1: hear people's stories, I think I almost have this belief
13:38
Speaker 1: as well that that's true. Yeah, you know, because obviously
13:40
Speaker 1: people have experiences where like the partners disconnect more because
13:44
Speaker 1: baby is also super dependent on mum, and then the
13:47
Speaker 1: partners like mom and dad disconnect, and so in my head,
13:50
Speaker 1: I'm almost like, oh wow, like, if that time of
13:52
Speaker 1: my life comes, is there going to be like a
13:54
Speaker 1: separation period where I expect that to be normal?
13:56
Speaker 2: That's right, like when me and my partner are going
13:58
Speaker 2: to disconnect and not emotionally be so intimate or as
14:01
Speaker 2: plugged into each other because now I'd be so focused
14:04
Speaker 2: on baby.
14:04
Speaker 1: Yes, And I'm like, it is alary a little bit.
14:07
Speaker 1: It is scary, and there is an element of that,
14:08
Speaker 1: and every situation is so different, like depending on your
14:11
Speaker 1: birth trauma, how your partner's coping with things, your finances, like,
14:14
Speaker 1: of course, there's so many layers to it, but it's
14:16
Speaker 1: just cool to talk about this to make anyone listening
14:20
Speaker 1: just sit back and go okay, just because it happened
14:22
Speaker 1: to that couple or my friends over there or actually
14:25
Speaker 1: here like doesn't have to be my story in my truth?
14:27
Speaker 1: And what can I do to prevent this from happening?
14:29
Speaker 1: How can I make more effort and bring us together?
14:33
Speaker 1: How can I not be sold on the stories that
14:34
Speaker 1: that's how it has to be. Like, there's so much
14:37
Speaker 1: that we are in control of that we think where
14:39
Speaker 1: sometimes not. We have so much power in our everyday
14:42
Speaker 1: choices and our mindset around things and the stories that
14:44
Speaker 1: we're telling ourselves.
14:45
Speaker 2: It's so true.
14:46
Speaker 1: There's so much power there.
14:47
Speaker 2: It's like the conscious choice and constantly making the effort,
14:50
Speaker 2: regardless of what season you are in your life, so
14:52
Speaker 2: that you can create what it is that you want.
14:55
Speaker 2: You're always in control of some aspect of your life,
14:57
Speaker 2: so you choose to focus on what you can control
14:59
Speaker 2: rather than what you can't. Yeah, and then create the
15:01
Speaker 2: reality that you want.
15:03
Speaker 1: I love that.
15:03
Speaker 2: You know what else I feel like can tribute It's
15:05
Speaker 2: to whether you feel like in a very sexual energy
15:08
Speaker 2: or not. Is the way that you're speaking to yourself? Yeah,
15:11
Speaker 2: you know when you're like in those slumps sometimes and
15:13
Speaker 2: sometimes I get like this where I'm just like a
15:14
Speaker 2: little bit more prone to like negative self talk or
15:17
Speaker 2: I don't feel as good in my body or I'm like, oh,
15:19
Speaker 2: I've put on a little bit of.
15:20
Speaker 1: Weight, or how you have those moments.
15:22
Speaker 2: Yeah, like in those moments where you're just a little
15:23
Speaker 2: bit nastier to yourself. I feel like that sometimes can
15:26
Speaker 2: like switch off my libido because I'm like, oh, I
15:28
Speaker 2: don't feel as connected to myself and I feel not
15:32
Speaker 2: as nice in my body, or don't feel as sexy,
15:34
Speaker 2: or don't feel as confident. And then I'm like, oh,
15:36
Speaker 2: like I don't want to do that, because then I
15:37
Speaker 2: start to rush myself.
15:39
Speaker 1: I start to like compare to how you used to be, yeah.
15:42
Speaker 2: And start to get into this bit of a mindset
15:44
Speaker 2: where I'm like, oh, well, now I'll just you know,
15:46
Speaker 2: if I'm gonna self pleasure or whatever, I'll just do
15:47
Speaker 2: it really quickly. Yeah, just get it over and done with,
15:49
Speaker 2: as opposed to like genuinely enjoy the experience, or you know,
15:52
Speaker 2: be intimate with a partner and you're taking your time
15:55
Speaker 2: and you're being slow and genuinely getting to enjoy the experience.
15:59
Speaker 2: But then when you're in those headspaces and you're with
16:01
Speaker 2: your partner, and it's like that transfers into that environment
16:04
Speaker 2: and you're not as full present, because then you're like
16:06
Speaker 2: if they're looking at how my stomach looks, or like
16:08
Speaker 2: do I need to turn.
16:09
Speaker 1: The lights off?
16:09
Speaker 2: Yeah?
16:10
Speaker 1: Yeah, not in your body.
16:11
Speaker 2: Yeah. So it's like coming out of that like negative
16:13
Speaker 2: headspace when you are feeling a little bit more negative.
16:16
Speaker 2: It's like just being able to be a little bit
16:17
Speaker 2: softer on yourself.
16:18
Speaker 1: Yeah and grace.
16:19
Speaker 2: Yeah, starting to like clock the negative self talk because
16:23
Speaker 2: if you can like clock it and stop allowing it,
16:25
Speaker 2: because I feel like the more you allow it, the
16:27
Speaker 2: more you entertain it, and the longer it lasts for
16:29
Speaker 2: and then you kind of stay in it becomes normal,
16:31
Speaker 2: it comes your normal, and then you stay in that
16:33
Speaker 2: negative headspace and that slump for longer and then create
16:36
Speaker 2: that more disconnection from yourself because you're not connecting to
16:38
Speaker 2: that sexual energy that you've got.
16:40
Speaker 1: To break it to, isn't it It is? It's you
16:42
Speaker 1: crack it and go, oh, hang on a second, that's
16:43
Speaker 1: not so Me're not gonna get myself out of this. Yeah.
16:45
Speaker 2: Absolutely. Something that's really helped me is like having internal
16:48
Speaker 2: boundaries with myself elaborate like say, if I'm feeling really
16:51
Speaker 2: negative or I'm feeling like I'm down on myself just
16:54
Speaker 2: being like, no, Tiana, I hear you, but we're not
16:57
Speaker 2: going to entertain that today. Like it's okay that you
16:59
Speaker 2: feel that way, but it's not the end of the world,
17:01
Speaker 2: like you know, and just like being more gentle in
17:03
Speaker 2: my approach. And it's not trying to go from one
17:05
Speaker 2: extreme to the other, being like, oh, I don't feel
17:07
Speaker 2: good in my body today and then being like, oh
17:08
Speaker 2: my god, I love myself. I'm obsessed with myself. I
17:10
Speaker 2: love myself sick Like, it's not kind of go to
17:13
Speaker 2: that extreme jump, it's just gently being that little bit kinder,
17:16
Speaker 2: because then that's going to create like a flow on
17:18
Speaker 2: effect of positive thoughts.
17:20
Speaker 1: You have internal conversations with.
17:21
Speaker 2: Yourself, internal conversations, yeah.
17:23
Speaker 1: Which we all do, but being more conscious around what
17:25
Speaker 1: that conversation is.
17:26
Speaker 2: Like, say, for example, you're in a room with a
17:28
Speaker 2: friend and you would never want them to talk badly
17:30
Speaker 2: about somebody in front of you. If you wouldn't allow that,
17:33
Speaker 2: you're going to have a boundary I'm not available for
17:35
Speaker 2: this conversation.
17:35
Speaker 1: Yes, so true, right, But when do we do that
17:37
Speaker 1: to ourselves?
17:38
Speaker 2: When do we go in our heads, Hey Tiana, I'm
17:40
Speaker 2: not available for this conversation going, We're not going there.
17:43
Speaker 2: You know, I feel like that's really helpful, that's really cool.
17:45
Speaker 1: We always talk about it. But where's your nervous system at?
17:48
Speaker 1: If you are constantly stuck in fight or flight, you
17:52
Speaker 1: are not going to be turned on. No, your libido
17:54
Speaker 1: is going to be but fuck nowhere, that's nowhere to
17:56
Speaker 1: be seen. Your nervous system is something that we will
17:59
Speaker 1: always preach to be checking with every single day. Where
18:03
Speaker 1: is your breath at? Where is your body? Do not
18:05
Speaker 1: feel safe? Are you in your head? Are you in
18:08
Speaker 1: your body? Where are you taking moments to have some
18:10
Speaker 1: slow to reconnect, get out in the sunshine, do all
18:13
Speaker 1: the basic foundational things. It's a little one percenters each day.
18:17
Speaker 1: It's starting to day with hydration, taking some big breasts,
18:20
Speaker 1: getting five minutes of sun, moving your body, being grateful,
18:24
Speaker 1: surrounding yourself with good people. Do you have hobbies, passion? Purpose?
18:28
Speaker 1: All those little things actually have huge impacts. They do.
18:32
Speaker 1: They're not little things actually they're really big things. Yeah,
18:34
Speaker 1: but sometimes we can get so lost and get out
18:36
Speaker 1: of habit of doing them, and then it just like
18:38
Speaker 1: piles up and impacts your libido.
18:41
Speaker 2: It's so true because there's so many external variables, isn't it.
18:44
Speaker 2: All of the things that we like, not necessarily can't control,
18:47
Speaker 2: but external factors that contribute how we feel day to day.
18:50
Speaker 2: It's like, if you can get on top of all
18:52
Speaker 2: of those things, you're not going to swing in and
18:54
Speaker 2: out of those high highs and low lows all the time.
18:56
Speaker 1: That's my goal the moment's not swing so much.
18:59
Speaker 2: Is to be consistent, consistent, like emotionally, mentally, all of it.
19:03
Speaker 1: Like Steve and I dipped a lot. Yeah, maybe it's
19:05
Speaker 1: around my cycle too, probably, but would have times where
19:08
Speaker 1: we're super plugged in and super connected and having amazing,
19:11
Speaker 1: beautiful into it moments and sex life is great, and
19:13
Speaker 1: they would have a couple of weeks where it was
19:15
Speaker 1: a bit drier and just not so great. Yeah, he's
19:17
Speaker 1: stressed and I'm stressed or going through things. More consistency,
19:21
Speaker 1: that's definitely my goal. Now I'm experiencing that, and I've
19:24
Speaker 1: got evidence that it can be more consistent. It's actually
19:27
Speaker 1: like on me, yeah, but both of us being more
19:29
Speaker 1: conscious to it. Lots more conversations, lots more openness, lots
19:34
Speaker 1: more connection, lots more prioritizing, even when you've got so
19:37
Speaker 1: much else going on, which is hard with kids, it's
19:40
Speaker 1: really hard. But prioritizing it because it is so important,
19:44
Speaker 1: it'll make you feel so much more alive.
19:47
Speaker 2: I'm sure it would make everything else feel lighter as well.
19:49
Speaker 2: When you have like your team and you're like, we're
19:52
Speaker 2: a team in this. I'm doing it solo by yourself
19:54
Speaker 2: over there, and I'm doing it solo over here, We're
19:56
Speaker 2: doing this together.
19:57
Speaker 1: It makes you feel so much more a team because
19:58
Speaker 1: you are so much more deeply connected. Yeah. So, in summary,
20:02
Speaker 1: don't blame one solid thing on your lobido. There is
20:05
Speaker 1: lots of things to look at. You got to be
20:07
Speaker 1: able to find more pleasure in your every day look
20:09
Speaker 1: at your nervous system, your sleep, your nutrition, all the
20:12
Speaker 1: one percenters we just spoke about. Even what you wear
20:15
Speaker 1: that matters. Yeah, how confident you feel, how feminine you feel?
20:19
Speaker 1: The clothes like, what do you feel when you put
20:21
Speaker 1: them on? Even like the perfectly you spray all those
20:23
Speaker 1: like little beautiful things. Check in to see are you bored?
20:26
Speaker 1: Are you lacking desire? Do you need more variety? Are
20:29
Speaker 1: you doing the same shit all the time with your partner?
20:31
Speaker 1: Can you just spice things up? That's another conversation to have.
20:34
Speaker 2: Check in with what you're eating, what you're consuming. Yeah,
20:36
Speaker 2: you're drinking all of the things that you're consuming. And
20:39
Speaker 2: also that also ties into what you're consuming on social
20:41
Speaker 2: media as well. Being might full of those variables because
20:44
Speaker 2: it all plays its role.
20:46
Speaker 1: Yeah, taking the pressure off to be a certain way
20:48
Speaker 1: and trying to find more consistency. You don't have to
20:51
Speaker 1: be acting like a porn style all the time and
20:53
Speaker 1: you're expecting your sex life to be like the movies. Yeah,
20:55
Speaker 1: find what works for you, guys, and constantly be checking
20:57
Speaker 1: in and being graceful in the moments too. That it
21:00
Speaker 1: is a bit harder as well, Like I know when
21:02
Speaker 1: Steve's super stressed that it's not going to be was
21:05
Speaker 1: we were on a vaca yeah, or a stay k
21:07
Speaker 1: But bringing that in day to day more.
21:09
Speaker 2: And also just like not making those moments mean that
21:11
Speaker 2: something is wrong. Yeah, just being like, oh, like nothing's wrong,
21:15
Speaker 2: Like the house isn't on fire. We've just pivoted into
21:17
Speaker 2: the next room and we've gone off track a little bit. Okay, cool,
21:19
Speaker 2: what can we do to bring it back on a
21:21
Speaker 2: track exactly?
21:22
Speaker 1: And see where you're putting energy in time to obviously
21:24
Speaker 1: put a lot of energy in time to our children
21:26
Speaker 1: or to our work. How much time you're actually putting
21:29
Speaker 1: into your intimate sex life with your partner? Yeah, and
21:31
Speaker 1: being connected? Yeah, when you're really honest with yourself. Is
21:34
Speaker 1: it two percent? Is it twenty percent? What do you
21:36
Speaker 1: do day to day? What do you do week tweek?
21:38
Speaker 1: What do you do on the weekends? Like, what are
21:39
Speaker 1: you doing to contribute to bringing that connection and your
21:42
Speaker 1: libido up? Yeah?
21:43
Speaker 2: What are those little bits for connection? Are they being met?
21:45
Speaker 2: Are you connecting? Are you guys roommates? Where are you
21:48
Speaker 2: guys at?
21:48
Speaker 1: Exactly? Constantly checking in and like I said before, just
21:51
Speaker 1: day to day, really checking on in your nervous system.
21:54
Speaker 1: How can you feel more grounded and connected to yourself
21:56
Speaker 1: because that's going to overpour to your partner as well.
21:59
Speaker 2: Absolutely, Yeah, beautiful, All.
22:01
Speaker 1: Right, guys, and things to joining us. We just thought
22:02
Speaker 1: that was a very important topic to talk about and
22:04
Speaker 1: something we got asked about. Whenever you do a Q
22:06
Speaker 1: and AAT, there's always things in about how to increase albedo,
22:08
Speaker 1: So there's some things to just check in and look at. Yeah.
22:10
Speaker 2: Thanks, that's good. We'll see on the next episode.
22:12
Speaker 1: Bye.
22:12
Speaker 2: Bye,