Latest / The Beth B Shift / Sneaky Behaviors Hiding in Plain Sight
Transcript
- Sneaky Behaviors Hiding in Plain Sight: So have you like ever walked away from a conversation or a situation and you didn't feel attacked? You didn't feel disrespected. But something still felt off. Something's shifting. But you couldn't explain exactly what it was. Not in that moment. But later on you started to replay the conversation, you started to re replay the situation, and now you're like, wait, what just happened? Yeah. Stay with me. Don't forget to follow me on YouTube for more content. The Beth to be effect with a vibe is unmuted, unafraid, and unapologetic. I'm Beth and today we're gonna talk about something that doesn't feel harmful. But it still changes you. This space is about awareness. It's not to accuse, it's not to diagnose, but it's to help us see clearly or clearer. What I'm sharing, it comes from lived experiences, real observations, and like real life patterns. This is not about labeling anybody, and it's not about pointing the finger. at anyone. This is about recognizing unhealthy behavior. And in the last episode we talked about unhealthy behavior, unbe unhealthy patterns, how they show up, what they look like, and how we can actually recognize them. Because they they don't always look like what we think. So today we're gonna go a little deeper. Because not all unhealthy behavior looks unhealthy. Some of it it's quiet and some of it feels like a normal conversation. And I know we've all been in those spaces. I know we've been in the spaces where we're talking to someone who appears to care. Right? We talk to people who seem like they have a passion for what it is that we're doing, what we're going through, or maybe they share their opinion about something that we're doing at the moment. And that opinion kind of changes what you think. That's covert behavior in some cases. I'm not saying that everything that happens in that scenario is always covert. But in this scenario, it does. Because covert doesn't always show up loud, it doesn't always announce itself. It doesn't always look aggressive either. Sometimes it looks calm. Sometimes it looks like a normal interaction. But the effects, the effects is what helps you understand that's not normal. Covert some of the traits and behaviors that are listed for a person who has certain behaviors that mimic narcissistic traits. So I do want to talk about the unhealthy behaviors that are associated with those traits. Because it doesn't speak loud. It's not arrogant. It's not obvious. It's actually quite And it often appears like Sometimes it appears like vulnerable. So instead of you recognizing it, we don't recognize it, we actually experience it. And in that space we feel the effects of it. But it's so not obvious. The only thing we can feel is the shift from it. And by the time you realize that something has happened, you've already shifted. You've already adjusted. And in that space, I want to talk about like word cunning because that matters. The word cunning really matters. There's a story in the Bible that reminds me of the word cunning. And if you don't know the story, I'm gonna fill you in. So we all know about Adam and Eve, right? God creates Adam, he gives him all the animals, he names the animals, and then God looks and says, you know, this guy doesn't have me. He's lonely. I'm gonna give him someone, a companion. So God puts him to sleep, takes a rib, and creates Eve. It gives him one command, he gives him one command, and that one command is you can eat whatever you like except for the fruit from this tree. And what happens? The serpent comes and he talks to Eve and he says, Did God say that if you eat from this tree, you would surely die? Like, are you gonna expire at this moment? Like you're are you unalived at this moment? Like, are you gonna be unalived as soon as you bite it? And that created reasonable doubt in Eve's head. And we all know what reasonable doubt does. It it shifts us, it makes us think like, hmm, maybe that's not true. Hmm, maybe that's not what was said or Maybe I miss her. Maybe that's not it. And this is not about us to focus on Adam and Eve. It's for us to focus on the unhealthy behavior of the serpent. That it was cunning. It was sneaky. It was sly. It was intentional though. How so? Because sh he didn't need to go to her. He didn't have to say anything to her. He could have just slithered himself to where the heck he was going and kept it moving. But he didn't do that. He intentionally stopped in her space to say what he wanted to say to her on purpose. And it was something for him to gain in that space. What was The game? That's where we have to look at these unhealthy behaviors where a person appears cunning. And I would also like to define this, right? Cunning, right? Sneaky is one thing. And I think I said this on my live yesterday because this is really important because words are really important and how we define certain things, how we, you know, certain adjectives and adverbs, they they they go with a certain pronoun, noun, subject. They go with that for description purposes, so we can better understand like what the heck the meaning truly is. So sneaky, like I said on my live yesterday, say for instance you leave your cell phone and you walk away from it and the person sees the cell phone. If they wanna know what's going on in your business, what do they do? They pick it up, they take a look, see what they can gather from it, and they put it back down, unbeknownst to you. Fuck cunning, right? That's the type of behavior that s stands over your shoulder while you're on your cell phone. Glances down at the phone while they're talking to you. And when you notice them looking at my bad real quick. Now, let's be clear. I'm not saying every person that does that is operating in a covert way. But those are one of the places where you can see it because later on the added piece to that is they'll mention what was on your phone. And the expectation is that you give them an explanation. They may be the same person to say, you're still talking to so and so? And the whole purpose of looking at your phone was to see who you were talking to because you might have been talking to so and so. So again, the obvious but subtle behaviors that we see every day that we don't pay attention to. And that behavior is not random, it's it's not accidental. It's intentional. It's intentional. Someone who operates in that in that manner, you know, the things that they're sharing with you is not a miscom it's not miscommunication. It's intentional. It's calculated. And in seven of spaces it's not about what said. It's not about what said it all. It's about what's done. It's about what's done quietly and over time and with intention. It doesn't always come direct. It doesn't always come aggressive. That's the whole purpose of cutting. That's that's the purpose of the cutting behavior. But still it shifts you You see. And then when we do address it, it's like no, you that's not that's not what happened. That's not I that's not what I meant. That's that's not what it happened. I didn't that that's not it. When all the while it is it. But this is the kind of behavior that the other person is benefiting from someone and sometimes we just don't see it right away. And I'm not saying again, not every single moment is that type of moment, but it's when those things happen with that same person and there's a pattern. Because the pattern is the biggest thing. It keeps producing the same outcome. That's what we have to be mindful. Like, what is this situation producing? And if it's going to produce something, who will it benefit? Will it benefit me or will it benefit them? And if there's a benefit. What is that? What what are they gaining from this den and where am I losing? That's where we have to be mindful. Because it's something to be gained. And we don't see it right away, right? Sometimes it's for the oppress other person to gain control. Maybe the other person wants to gain access. So if somebody wants to gain control of a situation, maybe you're in a situation where the other person doesn't like what you say in public. They don't like what you wear in public. They don't like What you do in public. They're the first ones that say, I wouldn't do that. Or I would I would I would stay away from that or I would stay away from her. Or because some of us don't wanna accept the fact that some people don't care what control looks like. They just want it. And I'm speaking people who wanna take over things to make things better. I'm not talking about that person. I'm talking about the person who wants the control because they need it. it elevate and escalates them, it makes them it it it creates a space for them where they feel better about themselves. Maybe they wanna gain access. Maybe you're friends with someone that they're not friends with. And they want to weigh in so they can chit chat about that person or a situation or they wanna gain access either to what you know or what you're doing. Or maybe they just wanna influence what you think. Maybe you don't think like them, or maybe you are the type of person that's like, I'm not gonna get involved. Maybe you're neutral. But they have to gain your favor. They have to gain your pain. That's their motive. And some of these things may sound simple because to some of us, it's like, yeah, that's simple. I I would never do anything like that. But that's the whole point of cover. That's the whole point of that behavior. Because we're not talking about behaviors that look healthy. We are talking about behaviors that are patterns that happen all the time because That's what certain people need in order to function. That's the difference. You may not need that. You may not need influence and access for a person to operate or function. Maybe they need you or they need to have control over situation to keep you uncertain. But whatever it is, it works in their favor. It's it's not for you. It's not to help you, it's not to benefit you. And then after every interaction, who walked out with more clarity? You or them? Who walked away from the situation gaining something? Who walked away losing something? Because that tells you everything. You feel it the second you start second guessing yourself. When your confidence shifts, you might be the person, say you get a job, you walk into the space, you know exactly who you are, what you're capable of, transferable skills, you have all these things going for yourself, but there's a person or persons. Who need to convince you to believe that You're not who you think you are. Maybe you're in a friendship or a relationship. You have everything going for yourself, right? You partner with someone who you think has the same mindset and they don't. They need you to be in a space so they can feel like they're over you or they can they feel like they're they empower themselves by making you feel bad about yourself. And it's it doesn't happen in a space where it's it's loud, it's obvious. There's some unhealthy patterns and behaviors that suggest and influence your behaviors. That suggest and influence what you should do, what you should not do, what you should say, where you should go, who you hang out with. In some spaces it's what you eat. And again, I know that sounds simple, but you ever been with somebody and they're on a diet and they're like, girl, I'm only eating salads today because that and then you change your mind. Those are spaces where that influence, that unhealthy influence begins. Because if they could get you to change your meal, they can get you to change your life. And I know for some of us who are strong and they're like, no, no, nobody's gonna make me do anything, you're right. But when we're friendly and in a in a friendly space in an environment where we don't feel threatened, we don't feel disrespected, we don't feel like the person has done anything to us, when we're in that space. And we are friendly to our friends, are we friendly to our family? Are we friendly to whatever the situation is, whoever the person is, when we're friendly in that environment, there's no foul no play. Like there's no reason for you to reject a friendly suggestion. There's no reason for that. We gotta watch the behaviors and the patterns, because that's that's what is that's what takes this over the time. Because it won't just happen once. Somebody can suggest something to you one time and you'll go, hmm, maybe I should change that. I value their opinion, so I'm gonna do this. But then you'll see it start, it'll start happening more than more. It'll start happening more than one time and in that space you'll you'll see it happen here and then it'll happen there and it won't be the same thing. It won't be just an outfit. It'll be your hair, who you talk to, who you hang out with, who you spend time with. I'll I'll talk to her, so mm friends f friends of my enemy can't be my friends. But we're adults. Like I nobody should be able to tell me who I should and should I hang out with, right? Because your experience with that person is not the same experience as mine. And that's where the guilt comes in, because in that space, they want to tell you, you can't be friends with them because I'm not friends with them. You have no interaction, you have no situation that will preclude you from being friends with them. But to prove your loyalty, right? You have to discredit that person and back away. It could be the friendship of a lifetime, but you'll never know. Because the s subtle influence of you of that person saying to you, I wouldn't be friends with them. Or this is what they did to me. And I'm a nice person to you, so if they did that to me, you shouldn't want to be friends with them because they did that to me. Meanwhile, that person probably played a role in what transpired. You ever know. Is it only gonna give your their side of the story and you'll never get to hear the other side because you don't get to talk to them now because it's suggested that you don't. And if you do, the guilt. The guilt plays a part that influences you not to talk to that person ever again. And it's those small spaces that things creep up on us. And when it's all said and done or when it's happening, you're like, wait a minute, my bugging. Cause now you're walking around in a space where the person you're with is not speaking to that person. You're not speaking to that person. That person is looking at you like, what did I do? You have no clue what happened, what went on. They've never done anything. But meanwhile, you're guilted into separating yourself. Covertly, the person that told you that they were offended by the person that could have been your friend influenced you not to speak to them at all. It's behaviors like that that that suggests. That we not do something so the other person gains favor. Meanwhile you lose. 'Cause you don't know what you would have gained from that relationship. You don't you have no idea. And covert behavior, that unhealthy behavior always creates confusion. And it's not a mistake. It's a method. And the method keeps benefiting them. And you don't even know you're losing at the point. Like you don't know. You don't know yet. Cause it's sneaking up on you, it creeps up on you. keeps confusing you. And that's not something to ignore. Because you can have a conversation negative, you're thinking differently. Because that conversation you're having with the person who is coming to you, who has a pattern or a certain behavior, needs to find a way to control what you think, what you feel, what you say, and when they're gaining from causing that confusion to influence you to do something different. You don't know until you start asking yourself like, hm, it changes you. Meanwhile, they stay the same and it might be a situation where they can influence you not to talk to a person that they consider their enemy at the time. But then somewhere they go and make up. And when they make up, now they're speaking and you're you're not speaking to the person they told you was their enemy and you have no clue why you're not speaking. And now it's it's it's difficult to create a space where you can talk to the person because now they don't like it. And that's the moment that we lose clarity. Because for the sake of everything, they didn't even tell you that they started talking to the person again. They didn't tell you that their ev things were okay. They didn't tell you these smooth things over. They didn't tell you that they made peace. So where's the gain? You lose. In a relationship you say something, they respond, and now you're questioning yourself. Like you know better but in a whole situation they stay certain. Like I said, if you're at work and you're confident that one conversation can throw you off your game, cause you to second guess yourself. But meanwhile, they're steady and they don't move. You did. And in the beginning some of these things can sound like care. It's the behavior of the person who is asking the question for their own benefit, for their own gain. Some of us are ten toes down, some of us don't let anybody talk us down from anything. So these this probably isn't for you. But when you don't feel attacked, when you don't feel disrespected in a space where someone's suggesting something. That can be okay. It's when you feel obligated to change. And when you do, you lose and the benefit is to the person who made the suggestion. And at first, like I said, it doesn't feel like manipulation. It feels like a regular conversation. It's the outcome. It's the consistency. It's the pattern. It's where you lose clarity. It's where they maintain position. And that's the game. When was the last time you walked away from a conversation where you started to second guess yourself? And you're talking to a friend. What does it cost you? And what did it give them? Like what did it give them? And this doesn't always mean that somebody who suggests something is always trying to gain something. No, you have to watch the patterns. Because the patterns is what's gonna tell you is the behavior, is what you see. You have to pay attention to the patterns. The patterns of a person's behavior, the consistency. They're always correcting you. It's almost impossible for you to do anything right. In some cases we start looking for their opinions 'cause now we're like, Well, I don't want them to say anything. It's the patterns. It's the patterns that suggest the outcomes. And those outcomes we have to pay attention to because those outcomes are influenced by someone else's suggestion. It's not our own. And then what are they gaining from that? And that's what we have to remember, it's not accidental. None of that is accidental. But here's the thing, because when we learn these things, right, I want us to make sure that we can reset. So let me pause here for a second. Because I'm not sharing these things because I want us to go out and confront the people, right? This may not be the space or the time to confront someone. It's not the space to confront people all the time. It that's not what this awareness is about. And this is definitely not about calling somebody out. Like I I don't want people to start walking up to people saying, you have patterns, you have traits, you have behaviors. I don't I don't want that. I just want you to pay attention to what it is that you see. I don't want you to put yourself in a situation I don't want anybody to be unsafe. Like I want you to be safe. 'Cause one point there was a time in my life where I saw what I saw and when I saw it I couldn't unsee it. Have to manage these spaces well, because if you don't, it it can create something else. Awareness is a tool. It's not a weapon. Not trying to give a person a loaded weapon so that they can use that tool to come out kamikaze. That's not what this is. You don't have to announce your awareness, right? But you can't apply it. And if it feels overwhelming, we gotta remember that there is support. There are resources that we can use to kind of help us bridge the gaps between us and what we're experiencing. This is not always about confronting somebody like, I knew you was No, I'm not telling you to do that, because sometimes that can create an unsit unsafe situation and I would never want that to happen to anyone. But remember, these are lived experiences for me. These are lived observations for me. I'm sharing what I know. Because when we know better, we do better. Clarity should never put you in danger. And that's not my goal. My goal is to bring awareness to the unhealthy behaviors that we experience every day. I'm sharing what I've seen for everyone to see clearly or clearer. And not everything we say here belongs to you. Whatever resonates with you, that's what you take. Because that's where clarity is going to begin for you. We're not all the same here. But I want like you to stop trying to fix what you didn't create. 'Cause some of these spaces we didn't create the chaos, we didn't create the mess, we didn't create it and in in and in those spaces we are desperately trying to fix them. And that's not always our job. If you didn't break it, you shouldn't have to fix it. But we gotta watch in those spaces where we where we are experiencing these things where we feel confused, we gotta see what's being produced out of that confusion. We gotta see what's being produced. 'Cause that's where we're going to find the clarity. Gotta protect your mind. Everything doesn't deserve access. Every does everything doesn't deserve access to how you feel, what you think, what you see. Don't over talk. Don't over share. Don't over give. Just don't. You don't have to find it out, talk it out, think it out, show it out, spell it out. Just gotta recognize it. And not carry it. Because it didn't show up as harm. It didn't show up as a behavior that's gonna hurt you. It showed up as a pattern. And I can't not stress that enough because that is the Biggest piece of this because certain things can happen. So spaces where things will happen. Because we're human, right? We are not perfect. We have to recognize the patterns and the behaviors and how those patterns and behaviors make us feel and now how they make us shift. 'Cause that shift is everything. That shift is what starts the influence process. That shift is what makes you adjust. That shift is the space where you're in and you say to yourself, mmm, I shouldn't do that. I shouldn't do this because it's going to cause that effect. But if you pay attention to what the person has to gain by influencing you to change your ways, change your thoughts, change your words, change what you think. That's where the clarity sets in. It's the shift. And that's your reset. I hope that it's been helpful. I hope that you were able to take something from this space. I hope I was able to bring some awareness. If anything resonates with you, don't don't forget. Don't address it right away. See it and apply it. This has been the Beth B Effect. And until next time, stay grammar. Don't forget to like, share, and subscribe.