Latest / Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour / The Parent Beneath The Parenting Episode 1.

Transcript

The Parent Beneath The Parenting Episode 1. · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, this is Kim Lee, and I am starting a new series which is going to be longer than usual.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: This is a ten-episode series from Inside the Consulting Room.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: And the purpose of this series is to look at parenting from an additional angle.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: And rather than focusing on the child in this series, I want to focus on parents.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to help illuminate the often hidden things which are strongly influential in the way that parents manage the task.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: So this episode is about what parents carry, and it's understanding the parent as a psychological system.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now there's a version of parenting that we show the world, and the one that the world expects of us.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's the version that lives inside us.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: There's the version that gets the children to school, makes meals, remembers appointments, and all of the functions that are required.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's another version, the one that feels overwhelmed by small things, the one that reacts more sharply than is necessarily intended.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: The one that feels guilt long after the moment has passed.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: The one that wonders quietly, why did I respond like that?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: So this series is about that version because parenting isn't just something we do, it's something that happens inside us.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: There is a myth that we might regard as the desired neutral parent.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a persistent idea, often unspoken, that good parenting is about getting it right, saying the right things, responding the right way, remaining calm, measured, consistent.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: But this idea rests on a deeper assumption, the idea that parenting is neutral, that they come as parents to the child as if without a history, without emotional residue, without an internal world that shapes what they see, feel, and do.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: And yet inside the consulting room, we see something very, very different.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: We see parents who love their children deeply, but they're not neutral because no parent is.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Every parent arrives in the parenting role carrying a psychological inheritance.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Their experience of being soothed or not soothed, understood or misunderstood, being held in mind or left to manage alone.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: And these experiences don't just disappear when we become parents, they reorganize themselves.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: And having a child means that they're more likely, understandably, to come alive in the relationship with the child.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Now parenting is one of the most psychologically activating experiences a human being can have.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Not because it's difficult, although of course it is, but because it reaches into the deepest parts of the self.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: A child's distress can awaken something very old in the parent.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: A child's anger can feel intolerable.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: A child's needs can feel overwhelming.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: And often this is not about the child alone.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's about what the child experiences and how that touches inside the parent.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: A parent who wasn't comforted may struggle to tolerate crime.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: A parent who felt unseen may feel unexpectedly hurt when their child turns away.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: A parent who lived with unpredictability may find themselves needing control.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't failure, it's activation.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: And if it isn't understood, it's often misinterpreted as I'm just not coping, I'm not a good parent, I shouldn't feel like this.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: But what's happening is something far more precise.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: The parent's internal world is being brought into contact with the present.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: In psychotherapy, we understand that each of us carries an internal world, not a metaphorical one, but a lived psychological reality.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a world that's made up of memories, emotional experiences, and relationships that have been internalized, voices that echo long after the original relationship is gone, expectations of how others will respond, beliefs about whether we are too much or not enough.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: And when a parent, when a person becomes a parent, this internal world doesn't step aside, it steps forward.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because the child enters directly into it.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: The child is not only experienced as who they are, but also through the lens of who the parent has been.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why two parents can experience the same child so differently.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Well, one of the reasons.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're not responding to just the child, they're responding from within their own psychological histories.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: Inside the consulting room, this becomes visible in subtle but powerful ways.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: A parent who becomes intensely anxious when their child is upset, a parent who feels rejected by a child's independence, a parent who reacts with disproportionate anger to small acts of defiance.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: These responses aren't random, they're meaningful, and they're shaped by experiences that haven't yet been fully understood or processed, and so they emerge not as memories but as reactions.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: The past doesn't always return as something we remember.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Often it returns as something we feel and then something we do, and without quite knowing why.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's very easy for parents to move quickly into self-blame.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: I shouldn't have said that.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: I've damaged my child.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm getting it wrong.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: But actually, what that does is it closes down the understanding.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: The more we critically name something that we feel responsible for, we are closing a door.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: And we are essentially reenacting something in ourselves.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: That is a difficult position to be in, and it changes nothing.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: So this is where the understanding is important.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: What's needed here is something different.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Curiosity is an interesting word to use because what it does is to reframe questions like what's wrong with me into what's happening inside me.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because when a parent begins to ask that question gently and softly, something shifts because they move from reacting to beginning to understand.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: And that movement is the beginning of change.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: There's a version of parenting that lives on the surface, and there is a version that lives underneath.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: So this series is not about fixing the surface, it's about understanding and paying attention to what lies beneath it.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: The parent isn't just the one who responds.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: The parent is also one who feels, remembers, and carries.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: And when we begin to understand what we carry and how that informs and influences how we are, we begin quietly to parent differently.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Not perfectly, but more consciously.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: And for a child, that can make an incredible difference.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: I look forward to welcoming you back to episode two, and thank you for listening.