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From Toxic to Tonic Masculinity · Evolutionary Men

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All right, and welcome back. So today's episode,
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we're going to talk about this new phrase
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you've maybe heard that's starting to kind
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of permeate our culture, and that's tonic
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masculinity. So this is very different from
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what we've normally heard of toxic masculinity,
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right? And that one letter signifies a pretty
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profound difference. And it's something I
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want to explore here today. Now this phrase
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is an interesting one. You can kind of go
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down the internet rabbit hole like I did
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trying to figure out where did it come from.
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According to Google, earliest kind of references
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to it directly are a 2020 medium.com blog
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entry about creating a healthier workplace
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environment by bringing in the four masculine
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archetypes of warrior, magician, lover, and
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king. Now, a year later in 2021, this guy
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Miles Groth wrote a bigger journal article
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entry in a journal about men's health that
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really defined it even more and I think brought
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it more into academic circles. Since then,
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there's been different Christian traditions
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talking about it. Jordan Peterson's been
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talking about it. It came up in the presidential
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campaign. And I think it signifies something
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that's really happening in our culture, which
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is this longing, which I've talked about
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on this podcast before, for healthier manifestations
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of masculinity to show up in our culture
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and be there as an example for men and for,
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frankly, the world. And now the interesting
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thing about this word tonic, let's start
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with that. Myles Groth, that author, he kind
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of talks about it in two different ways.
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First, there's the actual tonic, like the
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old bottle, right? We think of in olden times,
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someone would drink a tonic and magically
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get cured. And what it really means is it's
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a invigorating substance that has a positive
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influence, right? So you can think of a tonic
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as something that brings positivity and vitality
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to our system. So for something to be a tonic,
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it's an actual positive force against maybe
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unhealthy parts of our system. So tonic masculinity
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in that sense is this force of good in the
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world. Now, the second one, and I thought
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this one was really fascinating, was it also
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means the first note of a musical scale,
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what's really called a song's home key. So
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this is the part of a song that it's the
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note that we come back to throughout the
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song that actually sounds like a relief.
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So we go through the song and then we come
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back to this first note and it actually relieves
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us. So it's kind of the home base of freedom
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and relief in this musical scale system.
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And when you think about both of those, I
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think they really point to why there's such
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a yearning and hunger for talk about tonic
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masculinity in our culture. But before we
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even get even deeper into that, let's start
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with the other one that we've heard so much
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about, toxic. Now, I've talked about on this
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show, I don't actually believe in toxic masculinity
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or even toxic femininity. Toxic would mean
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it's inherently evil and bad. There is nothing
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good or redeemable about it. It's toxic,
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right? It's toxic waste. It's always going
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to be that way. I don't believe in that.
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What I tend to think about is more pathological
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masculinity. So pathological means something
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has grown awry, taken a wrong turn away from
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health and the system. So nobody starts as
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toxic, but we can all grow through pathological
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means to a place that's not so healthy. And
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that has absolutely happened with the masculine.
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And I've talked about that plenty on the
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show. And I do a lot of work with men around
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this, dismantling the man box, the lone wolf,
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and primarily the disembodied and disconnected
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man who's not in touch with his heart. in
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his body, in his environment. When that man
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is disconnected, that's when men, the masculine,
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can do the most awful things and really try
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to take control over people through domination,
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often causing hurt and harm to others along
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the way, including the environment. But that's
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pathological, meaning no one starts there
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as a man, as a young boy. Something happens
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in our system which knocks us off our healthy
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growth path into this more twisted form of
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masculinity. Now, tonic masculinity, I think,
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is a bit of the corrective to that, of how
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do we keep things growing vitally and healthily
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from that home base place of the masculine,
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which is actually a place that is deeply
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caring, deeply attuned, deeply present, and
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wants to create and protect those around
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it. And so this idea of tonic masculinity
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as this positive version, this positive force
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of masculine in the world, I think is really
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needed in our culture right now. Because
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the thing is, the mistake I think a lot of
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people make is that we need less masculine
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energy in the world. Where I've talked about
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before, and I'll reiterate here, I think
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we need more The feminine, women, all the
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manifestations of that in male or female
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bodies, doing a pretty damn good job of trying
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to keep this planet afloat, keep this whole
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thing going. And that polarity, which isn't
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just gendered, it isn't just cultural, this
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actually goes into the fabric of our being
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in reality, right? Life and death, light
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and dark, yin and yang, this polarity shows
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up everywhere. And they're stronger together.
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And we need more masculine energy of the
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positive kind in the world right now, the
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kind that calls forth the best of everyone.
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And you can think of tonic masculinity being
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another way to talk about the unique texture
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of masculine love. Right? So we can all love
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in any way we want, but I think there's a
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unique version of love that is particularly
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masculine in its essence. And this masculine
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love is actually generative. It's about growth
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and becoming and having a vision and moving
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towards it. So masculine love in a sense
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is penetrative. It goes deeper and beyond
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where we're at in the moment. So masculine
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love includes the vision of what could be
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in the world, right? So masculine love is
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often expressed in creating a container or
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a structure that love and goodness can flow
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into. There's this great book called The
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Flowering Wand that came out a couple years
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ago by Sophie Strand that actually talks
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about a lot of this and examines it culturally
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and historically of what happened masculinity
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wasn't always toxic. There was a tonic generative
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version of it for many, many years. And she
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really examines this specifically through
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the lens of the shift from masculinity being
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representative with a wand to a sword. So
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the wand was actually something that gave
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life and created and added to the world.
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The sword is actually what cuts and reduces
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and separates. And it was that separation
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of the masculine heart from our head in our
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body that I think really laid the groundwork
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for this wave of toxic masculinity that's
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become so big and pervasive in our culture.
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But it's not the inherent way of being. Tonic
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masculinity The flowering wand, as she calls
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it, the part of the masculine that can actually
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create and generate and add to the world,
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includes masculine sexuality, something that
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has often been demonized as taking, dominating,
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but doesn't have to be that way. Trust me,
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I've worked with hundreds of men that have
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learned that their sexuality can actually
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be a creative gift to the world. Our sexual
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drive, our sexual power is not the problem.
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It's what do we do with it. And if we bring
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it into the world by dehumanizing and objectifying
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the people around us, that's when it's a
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problem. But if we are connected to our hearts
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and connected to the humanity of those around
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us, it's not so much a problem. We can use
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that energy responsibly, literally, to create
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life and love in the world. And that's really
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what this tonic masculinity is about. So
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you can think of tonic masculinity, again,
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as a version of masculine love. And it's
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this love that sees what can be. It actually
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penetrates into potential. I see this all
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the time in my men's groups, where men who
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drop in with each other, and it's this shift
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away from calling out, which has been so
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big in our culture, to calling forward, which
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means, I see you. I see your depth, your
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heart, your goodness. You are not rotten
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to the core. Maybe some of the actions you've
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taken have been less than healthy, but I
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know that's not who you are. So I'm going
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to stand here and with love call you forward
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to be the best version of yourself you can
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be. This is the shift from kind of toxic
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shame as Brene Brown talks about it, which
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is where we actually fuse the shame with
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the person And we shift it to healthy shame,
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which is more about the behavior. You were
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not rotten, but what you did there is not
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cool. It's not okay. You hurt yourself. You
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hurt your partner. You hurt others. This
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is where tonic masculinity is really needed
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in the world. When I say we need more healthy
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masculine, the masculine needs to call forward
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the masculine, right? It's us that can look
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another man in the eye and say, You got to
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do better, man, because I know you can. I
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see you. I see your heart. I see what's potential
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for you. That masculine love is so important
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to this radical embracing of who you are
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right now, connected to the vision of your
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highest self in the future. You can think
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of this metaphor I recently heard for, you
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know, the masculine is the part of us that
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brings structure. can bring structure to
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the world. And masculine love would be seeing
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the vision for, let's say, a home, a house,
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and then actually building it. Now, the feminine
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love would be what turns that house into
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a home. So it fills the space. It fills the
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space of that structure that the masculine
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created. and it loves it as it is. This is
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the house we have, so how do we make it beautiful,
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right? And we need both. Here's my vision
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for what we could create, and here's how
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we then take the reality we're now in, and
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we make it beautiful. And we need both versions
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of this love. And particularly right now,
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we need a masculine version of it to counteract
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so many of the forces in our world are really
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quite negative, right? There's been this
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huge swing in our culture, our art, in our
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stories about the apocalypse, about the world
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ending, about dystopia. And there's very
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few models of positivity, of what could it
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be? What is the vision we are moving towards
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as a global community, right? To me, that's
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going to come just as much from the masculine
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as it is from the feminine. And this is the
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tonic, right? This is what I'm saying here.
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The tonic is it brings life force. It's generative.
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It brings love and vitality to the system.
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I've seen countless stories of the men I've
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worked with of how desperate they were for
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any masculine figure in their life to slow
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down, see them, acknowledge them, just turn
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to him and say, I believe in you. Let's figure
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this out. I've talked about this before as
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the father energy I think we all need, which
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is that energy of, let's figure this out
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together. What's our plan? Where are we stuck?
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Where are we falling? Where are we hurting?
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You don't have to do that alone. We can figure
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that out and move forward together. That
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father energy is tonic masculinity. It's
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the type of masculinity that uses our power
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to create structures to empower those around
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us. So the best type of masculine power I
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believe in is one that flows through us to
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empower those around us. And when we have
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that tonic masculinity in our system, we
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come alive as men. I see it all the time
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in guys I'm working with. When they make
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this shift from, wait, other men don't have
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to be my competition, but can be my allies,
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and can help hold me accountable and move
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me towards the vision of what I want to bring
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forward in the world, and call me forward
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if they see me not hitting that mark, Right?
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This is the spinach in the teeth moment I
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often talk about. Masculine love is the love
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that looks at us and says, hey, you have
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a big ass piece of spinach in your teeth
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right now. Want to pull that out? And then
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maybe we're flooded with a little embarrassment
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at first, but ultimately we trust that person
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even more because they really pointed out
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something to us that was meaningful. And
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then we could remove that and move on with
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our life. Right? Versus Not saying anything
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at all. And that's something we see a lot
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with men these days. Just not saying anything
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at all. And most men I know are dying, are
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craving, are yearning for the feedback of
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tonic masculinity and love. This love that
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penetrates us, that sees through our bullshit
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in the moment to what we could be. And so
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this is an important moment in our culture.
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Men's work has been building these last decades,
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and it's about to hit a crescendo of, turns
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out, us men are hurting. And we need support
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and help in transforming that. And one of
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the best places we can get that is from other
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men. And this idea of tonic masculinity also
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ties into this concept of masculinity as
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a transmission I've talked about in a previous
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episode, which is the fastest way for us
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men to transform how we're showing up in
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the world is to actually be around healthy,
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embodied versions of masculinity. So through
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mirror neurons and through being in the presence
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of other men who have done their inner work
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to be grounded, to be open, to be relaxed,
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to be sensitive, to be attuned, and to be
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deeply aware of the system they're embedded
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in, it's profound. For me, I remember when
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I was 26, I tell this story. I was working
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with an older mentor of mine. And I sat in
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a circle with him, and my body had the experience
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of, that's what I want to be when I grow
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up. And it had nothing to do with his career
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or occupation. It had to do with how he was
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being in the world. Relaxed, calm, powerful,
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direct, sensitive. able to access his full
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range of emotions without either collapsing
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into them or posturing against them. He could
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be in tears and be strong. He could be angry
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and be safe. He could be getting feedback
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about his behavior but not collapsed in shame.
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This is the type of masculinity men are dying
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for in the world right now. And it is the
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tonic version. It's when we're around it,
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we feel more alive. We feel more ourselves.
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We feel more connected and able to contribute
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to our environment, our culture, our community,
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and more. So it's time for men to really
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step forward into this tonic version. And
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guess what? It doesn't just happen by itself.
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It takes work to unwind the wounding from
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our childhoods, the wounding from our cultures,
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the wounding from our families, the wounding
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we've experienced from primarily often other
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men who are the ones that have beat us down
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into this is how you have to be. And anything
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less than that is not masculine. This is
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part of the shift that's happening right
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now, where men are learning to embrace and
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take responsibility for our inner world.
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That takes work, that takes growth, that
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takes often being extremely uncomfortable,
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and it takes support and mentorship from
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coaches, other men, men's groups, therapists,
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you name it. And we've had so few visions
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of this in our culture, a lot of men don't
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know what to grow towards. Tonic masculinity
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is a manifestation of that. It's the masculinity
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that brings more love in life and safety
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to the system it's embedded in. And we need
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a lot more of that here in the world right
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now. If you want some help diving into this,
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check out my work at evolutionary.men. Until
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next time.