Latest / Behind Every Great Man / EP 47: Beneath The Manosphere: Understanding Men's Needs
Transcript
- Jessica Zubchevich: Behind every great man is a great confident exceptional woman. Hi, and welcome to Behind Every Great Man. I am Jessica, your host. Behind every great man is a great woman who sees the heart beneath the armor. I've spent a lot of time listening to conversations, reading articles, watching documentaries about the manosphere. If you don't know what the manosphere is, it is essentially a corner of the internet where men are talking about. Masculinity, how to be a man, leadership, marriage, dating, relationships, making money, fitness, health. A lot of it is cringe, a lot of it is very uncomfortable, a lot of it is being delivered with rage and anger and resentment. Some of it is so extreme. I Definitely do not agree with everything that's being said. Hear me when I say that. But I can't stop thinking about one question. Why are millions of men listening? Because it's not just men on the internet. It's easy to just dismiss it that way. No, these are husbands, they are fathers, they are sons, they are our brothers. They are our nephews. It could be your son. If you love a man, if you are dating a man, in a relationship with a man, you know a man, you're you're raising a son, you hope to raise a son. These conversations involve us. And we should care. And we would be foolish to not be paying attention to what's being said. They are young men. Trying to figure out who they're to become. So this is where my head is. Every movement starts with a message. And over time that message can get clouded. It gets very loud. It gets crazy. These extreme points of view come in. And the main reason, the main message, the main purpose of the movement is gets lost. The algorithm is pushing the most polarizing views to the top, and that's what we're seeing. And it's so easy to dismiss what we're watching or listening to. Like that's ridiculous. That's crazy. So what if we swim beneath the surface where it's loud and it's crazy? We swim beneath it, beneath the anger, beneath the rage, beneath The headlines and what is the message that millions of men are responding to, relating to. I believe there are messages underneath all of that that are incredibly human. They just didn't arrive in this crazy extreme place. That's not how it happens. This is in response to something. I don't want to go political here. Not the point of this podcast. But it would be foolish to think that this just showed up out of thin air. I think men are asking the same thing that women are asking. See me. Value me. Let me know that my efforts and who I am matter to you. I want to feel appreciated. I want to feel acknowledged. I want to feel respected. Maybe you've heard your husband asking for these things. Maybe he has verbally expressed this. And a lot of times. Men don't verbally express it. They just show up in action or lack thereof. But that's what they're saying underneath it. Maybe he was saying it just in ways that you weren't able to recognize. So I don't think that that's a male need or a female need. I think it is a human need. As women, we have had countless conversations about wanting to be seen, to be appreciated, to be acknowledged. For our mental load, the invisible weight that we carry for that to be recognized, this entire podcast, the heartbeat of it is exactly that. I've created it to recognize this woman. And it makes me then wonder that that is exactly what men have been wanting this whole time and not saying it. Only now they're saying it out loud. And not in the feminine language, they're saying it in the masculine language to feel seen, to feel respected, to be trusted, to be admired, to know that who they are and what they carry matters. And I think that that is one of the strong messages that is underneath all of the noise of the manosphere. Part of the reason why this conversation caught my attention is because I've always been attracted to masculine men. Maybe you can relate. When I was dating, if there was an alpha in the room, I would find him. And usually he would find me. There was the pull of polarity. And over the years, I realized that not all masculine men are the same. I have dated masculine men that are extremely angry. And rage would just live under the surface, not necessarily towards me, but other men, ego driven masculine, men who would confuse control with leadership, a man who thought in order to command a room he needed to be loud and instill fear and intimidation in people. And I've experienced the other kind of masculine. Where the man would just walk into a room and you feel his presence and he doesn't even have to say a word. He doesn't have to demand respect, intimidate people in order to get respect. His character, his wisdom, his integrity, the way that he treats people, he wouldn't have to raise his voice in order for people to listen. He's confident. But not in a way where he has to make other people feel small. He can be tender and he can be gentle and nobody mistakes that for weakness. It's like a big burly man holding a newborn baby. Nobody automatically then thinks that he's gone soft or he's a weak man. No, his tenderness doesn't take away from his strength. It reveals it. The strongest men, the most masculine men that I know are also the most gentle, are also the most tender. I believe that that's how God designed it. And I am blessed to say that I am with a man like that. His presence, you guys, I'm gonna have him on soon doing the podcast together. I have maybe heard him raise his voice and I don't know, a handful of times going on eight years and we have a toddler. His strength is understated. He does not need to raise his voice. That is the kind of masculine that we want our sons to become. And that is the kind of masculine that we need to be calling our men toward. I named this podcast Behind Every Great Man for a very intentional reason. I remember telling my husband what I wanted to name my podcast, and I saw his Chest puff up like yeah. You want to name in every great man? I just saw the reaction that he had to it. Because I'm elevating him. I'm saying how amazing you are. I know what that feels like for him. I know what that does for him inside. It reinforces who is. It reinforces that I see you, I elevate you, I speak highly of you. When we speak words of affirmation to our men, it is life giving. And they want to then pour into us. And it is this beautiful cycle of giving and receiving that happens. As much as I believe the feminine is the most beautiful thing in its purest form, in its most healthiest form. I also believe the masculine is just as beautiful in its healthy form. There are good men, there are great men in this world. Maybe you are with one. And I believe one of the greatest privileges we have as women, as mothers, as wives. As sisters, as daughters, is to call out that greatness. We didn't create that greatness. He had it in him, whether he knows it or not, it's in him. And it is one of the most beautiful gifts that we have as women to see that, remind him of that, acknowledge that, feed it, grow it, nurture it, call it forward. Maybe your husband has never said verbally. I wish you appreciated me more. But maybe it showed up in his actions. Maybe he worked longer hours. Maybe he withdrew. Maybe he stopped initiating. Maybe he's gotten really quiet. Men don't always ask to be seen. Sometimes they're not as good of a communicator as women. Some are. My husband's he may have me be in the communication department, and that's crazy because I am a strong communicator. But sometimes it comes out in their actions, and that's something that we really need to be looking for. The whole point of this is maybe we're not as different as we think we are. Maybe we've both been asking for the same things, just in our own way, in our own languages. And I can almost hear some of you thinking, well, he needs to give me something to respect. Fair. I don't respect my husband. It's not just given to him because he's a man. I respect him because he does respectable things. He protects our family. He tells the truth. He works hard for our family. He keeps his word. He makes me feel safe emotionally. Mentally, physically, his integrity, his character, his leadership. He has my respect because of how he shows up as a man, as a father, as a husband. That's very different from demanding respect. And some men are really confused in that. I also want to acknowledge the woman that's listening who's saying, Jessica, I want to respect him. But he's not giving me much to work with. Fair as well. I hear that. Not every man is living with integrity. Not every man is leading well or creating safety in his home. Respect isn't pretending that those things don't matter. Sometimes the most loving thing is recognizing where your marriage actually is and the man that you chose. And the man that you married. But wherever your husband is today, the only person that I can control is me. The only person you can control is you. I am a massive believer in personal responsibility. I can become the kind of woman I admire. And if I have a good man beside me, I'm gonna honor him as well. And if you don't, sister, and you just cannot get there and it's just not it, then that is a different conversation that needs to be had. This is where I feel we can all become a little bit more curious and understanding. And I've always loved this reframe. Instead of asking, what is wrong with you? Men in the manosphere, what is wrong with you? What if instead we asked what happened to you? What happened to him? Maybe no one ever told him that he mattered. Maybe he tried to lead and he tried to stand up and he was criticized for it. Maybe he learned that showing emotion meant he was weak. Maybe he was told that men don't share their emotions, men don't cry, right? Maybe he's never truly felt seen by anyone. And maybe men, instead of asking what's wrong with her, we asked what happened to her. Maybe she had to become responsible way before she was even ready. Maybe she was expected to take care of her younger siblings. And she didn't have a choice. Maybe she trusted someone deeply and they betrayed her. Maybe she gave her vulnerability and her trust and it was broken. Maybe she has carried so much for so long that it feels impossible to just let go and surrender. I'm not saying to ignore bad behavior or accept it. I'm certainly not saying that, but understanding someone's story is. Changes how we respond to it. I would ask and encourage you before dismissing something like the manosphere as extreme and crazy, we want to make sure that we are weighing in on such important conversations that affect our brothers, our sons, our family, men that we love and care about. Because these are the messages that they're hearing. I think we do ourselves a disservice if we don't look at it and understand it. Because there is a message under the noise that we don't want to ignore. It's time for a weekly pause. Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, just please take this next couple minutes for you. Close your eyes if you can. Let's all take a deep inhale together. Exhale it out. Another deep soothing breath in. Sail it out. One more deep, soothing breath in. and let it go. I want you to picture a man that you love. Maybe it's your husband, maybe your father, maybe your brother. Maybe your son. Just see his face for a moment. I want you to think about who he is. What he carries. The pressure no one sees. The responsibilities he quietly wakes up to every single day. The expectations he may feel. The fears he may have but doesn't talk about because he doesn't want you to worry. Just sit with this a moment and see it. Now ask yourself what What do I genuinely admire about this man is Not what I wish he did differently, but But what is good in him that What kind of man is he? What kind of man is he trying to become and And then answer this honestly. Have I ever told him? Not assume he but But actually told him that Have you ever looked him in the eyes and said, I see how hard you work. I see what you carry and I am proud of the man you are. Don't wait for the perfect moment, sister. Tell him one thing you admire, one thing you respect, one thing you've noticed that maybe you've never said out loud. You're not ignoring issues or things that are unresolved. You're working through those together, but because what we choose to focus on will grow, and the people we love should never have to wonder if we see the good in them. Let's all take one last deep in hell together. Exhale it out and open your eyes. Sister, if this episode does nothing else, I hope it makes you a little bit more curious about your husband, about your brother, about your son. And that doesn't mean that we have to agree with everything that they do. It means you've decided that they're worth trying to understand. Behind every great man is a great woman who sees the heart beneath the armor. Thanks for taking the time to join me on this week's podcast episode. You can find more episodes of Behind Every Great Man on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And if this spoke to you, please subscribe and share it with a friend. Thanks again, and I'll see you next week.