Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Own It If You're The More Difficult Or Picky Partner!

Transcript

Own It If You're The More Difficult Or Picky Partner! · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:08
  Psych mom show. So today I want to talk about
• 0:11
  knowing that you are the more difficult person in a
• 0:14
  relationship and owning it a lot of women that I talk to they
• 0:20
  like to say that they're very easygoing or, you know, that
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  they are cool with a lot of different things or I mean
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  that's like how they like, to visualize themselves, but
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  they're not, they're just not, they are picky about.
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  Thing is and they are difficult in terms of wanting things, a
• 0:39
  specific way and having a lot of opinions.
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  And this isn't bad. I don't think this is bad at
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  all, but if you're selling yourself as something that
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  you're not, then your partner feels like gaslighted all the
• 0:51
  time and you feel unhappy all the time because you're always
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  trying to prove that you're something that you're not and
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  that lack of coherence between what you're stating.
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  You are and what you actually are over time.
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  I'm becomes really uncomfortable.
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  That's going to be a source of cognitive dissonance.
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  So if you're a highly sensitive person and I talked about that a
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  lot, and you can take the quiz online, I'll link you to it in
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  the description of this. If you're a highly sensitive
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  person, you're probably pretty difficult to deal with.
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  I say this as a highly sensitive person, myself and also being
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  pretty difficult to deal with. Literally, the definition of
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  highly, sensitive means you are more observant.
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  You react to more things, you have even physiological.
• 1:35
  Logical reactions to its you're like the Princess and the Pea.
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  This isn't saying men can be highly sensitive.
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  They certainly can't. But if you combine a highly
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  sensitive temperament with the normal ups and downs of a
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  woman's monthly cycle and the fact that women have higher
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  rates of depression and anxiety, and the fact that women have to
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  do the biological work of being pregnant and nursing which
• 1:59
  really does a number on your body both during and after those
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  periods then, Really what you're dealing with is somebody who
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  ends up extremely selective, I won't say picky but you know,
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  it's picky extremely selective about all of the stuff that they
• 2:18
  want. So for example, you are somebody
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  who has strong preferences about where you go out for dinner,
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  what time? That should be, what time
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  bedtime should be for you. You need to get exactly seven
• 2:30
  and a half hours of sleep. Otherwise, you can't you feel
• 2:33
  like you can't function, you don't Take the cold or you don't
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  like the hot, or whatever, you know what I mean.
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  Even down to the point that you don't want to watch what you
• 2:42
  don't want to watch on television.
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  Now, if you are this kind of person but you've been
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  pretending that you're not some times.
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  Women like blame the kids they're like oh no the kids got
• 2:54
  really out of control if they go to sleep at 801 instead of 8:00.
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  No. Will you really mean is I myself
• 3:00
  feel very out of control? If I have one more minute with
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  these children, when I'm exhausted So if you start trying
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  to own your own difficulty, your partner may start to feel
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  validated and not crazy, and not being told that he's crazy all
• 3:16
  the time. So your partner, probably
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  already knows that you're difficult to deal with but
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  because you won't own it, he's not getting any credit.
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  He or she could be any kind of relationship, but most of the
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  people I work with her heterosexual.
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  So it's the wife that I am most often talking to about this.
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  And the husband is like, no, she's really picky like, we
• 3:39
  only. I can only have sex between
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  like, you know, 9:30 and 1015. Otherwise, she's too tired.
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  And it only has to be if the kids are dead silent and asleep
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  in their rooms, because she can't stand any noise and the
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  fan asked to be on. And the woman is like, no, it's
• 3:53
  totally normal. No, it's not.
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  It's not totally normal to have 1 million.
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  Zillion preferences for everything.
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  Do I work with a lot of highly sensitive people?
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  Yes, Yes, highly sensitive. People are 20% of people but
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  they're like, 90% of people in therapy because these are the
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  people who like to really think about things deeply.
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  They are highly sensitive definitionally.
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  So anyhow, if you are this person really own it, start
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  owning who you are and your partner is going to feel a lot
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  more validated and if you're appreciative of how they are,
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  flexible, your marriage will improve.
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  So instead of saying something like know, Have to go get
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  Chinese because the kids like Chinese better.
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  Say, I only like Chinese food. I don't like to waste the
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  calories of pizza cuz I don't like pizza as much as Chinese
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  food. And also the pizza place has
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  those screens and I don't like the screens.
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  And so I'm very picky about that.
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  No TV during the meal. And so I'm the one who likes
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  Pizza. The kids would honestly roll
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  with whatever cuz their children, but it's me and thank
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  you so much for going all the time.
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  Time to eat Chinese food and really never going to eat pizza.
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  So it sounds like a stupid example but it's really not.
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  The sort of stuff comes up all the time and usually the person
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  who is always eating Chinese food, they're fine with it.
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  Two highly sensitive. People like don't usually marry
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  each other at least not on a first marriage.
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  So, the guy who has real strong preferences about where he eats
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  doesn't, usually marry the woman who has strong preferences about
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  the same, he usually doesn't Give as much of a shit as she
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  does, but he wants to be validated for constantly eating
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  Chinese food, you know. So if you start to do that, then
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  your Dynamic may change for the better because appreciation
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  really helps on both sides all the time.
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  So what's another example? Well, let's go back to my
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  ubiquitous sex example, if you are pretty picky about what you
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  like in bed, don't blame all their externalities that aren't
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  real blame. Elf say, I'm really picky in
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  this domain. I only like it going this way
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  this way, this way. And I feel that that is the
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  best, you know, experience for me and yeah, maybe that's a
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  little selfish and maybe I'm a little difficult and thank you
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  for always doing it the way that I like it.
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  That is very validating, so that could turn a husband from
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  somebody who's like those fucking shit.
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  I have to do this and that, and we're under the fucking blanket,
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  all the time. And like grumbling to somebody
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  who feels that he is appreciated.
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  For being flexible and that his contribution in that domain is
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  recognized. So this is a super important
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  topic because I get people in all the time in couples
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  counseling and they could save a lot of money if they just
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  recognized. What was actually going on in
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  their relationship objectively, which is no small feat.
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  So of course, that's why people come in to both individual and
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  couples counseling because it's hard to see your own situation
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  objectively. But if you have the benefit of
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  listening to this podcast or just introspecting about what
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  your relationship objectively looks like, then you can save
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  yourself a lot of time and money and couples work by saying
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  something like wow, I guess I am pretty difficult to deal with
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  and I don't like to admit it because honestly, one of your
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  parents is always difficult if you're difficult, otherwise,
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  where'd you learn it from, you know?
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  And also its genetic. It's a trait highly sensitive
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  people its genetic. So you could say, I don't like
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  to be thought of like my mom. She was always so picky.
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  And I'm the same and, you know, I'm just going to own it.
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  And unlike my mom, I today, I'm going to stop pretending that
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  I'm not picky which everybody knew with my mom with some
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  bullshit. And yeah, you know what?
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  Now that I think about it. It's probably the same thing
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  with me that I'm picky. Everybody around me knows it,
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  but nobody's allowed to say it. So it's the emperor.
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  Snoop icky clothes and maybe I'm going to get off of my high
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  horse and try to own that I can be difficult now, there are so
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  many good outcomes of really deciding to own that your
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  difficult. For example, your kids will
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  start to model themselves after you.
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  So if you are like yeah I can be really difficult about XYZ.
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  Your kids are going to start saying the same thing which
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  makes them so much easier to get along with it makes friends and
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  Central Partners later in life, like them better for all the
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  reasons that I'm discussing because they're not in a dream
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  world where they're pretending that there's something there not
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  also. If you start saying objectively
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  how difficult you are, you may start being like embarrassed,
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  you may be like oh my God, I'm saying this all the time, this
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  is worse than I thought. I have specific preferences
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  about everything under the sun. Maybe I'm going to decide not to
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  and I'm going to decide to roll with getting pizza and having
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  Sex a 9:00 instead of 9:30, or whatever the case may be.
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  You may when you're confronted with the reality of who you are
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  decide to work on it and try to grow more flexible, which is
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  certainly something that people can and do achieve.
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  This is what people work on constantly in therapy is more
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  flexible, open-minded ways, of looking at things, this cannot
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  happen. If you're a deeply wedded to
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  your perspective that you are an easy person.
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  When You're not. So they're also very positive
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  consequences on your anxiety levels because if you are trying
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  all the time to get your needs met and your preferences
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  fulfilled without actually coming out and saying it because
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  you have some aversion to seeming difficult, then you're
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  always anxious, you're trying to like control the situation, but
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  passive-aggressively from behind and make other people think that
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  it was their idea. Mature, do whatever you want
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  them to do. All of this.
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  Pressure will go away if you can own your own preferences and or
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  try to be more flexible, genuinely it is a lot of mental
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  work to try to, you know, pull the strings of a situation from
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  the outside and to kind of get your agenda met without getting
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  your agenda met openly. So, if you give up all of this
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  work that frees up a lot, A lot of emotional space and it also
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  makes people like you more because you're not trying to
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  passive-aggressively be like, I don't know about pizza.
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  I don't know. I don't know when you know that
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  you don't want pizza and so does the person that you're talking
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  to but you're trying to make it their idea to yet again suggest
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  Chinese food, okay? So these are the various good
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  things that can come of noticing and observing and stating
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  directly that you are the more difficult partner.
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  Now, what do you do? If you're married to somebody
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  like this, but they do not admit to being the more difficult
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  partner. Well, you can start to say it,
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  you don't have to like drink the Kool-Aid and be caught up in
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  some kind of LOL and you're allowed to say it.
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  You're allowed to say you know I noticed that we never really go
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  for pizza. We only go for Chinese food and
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  if they're like well you know everybody you can say no I think
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  you like Chinese food better. I love you.
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  So I'm willing to go all the time.
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  I think that's pretty nice of me, you can say that and if you
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  say that enough, it's gonna become the new reality, you can
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  shape the narrative. If you're partnered with a
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  difficult person, don't allow their narrative to overtake the
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  objective reality or your reality.
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  Your reality may not be fully objective either, obviously
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  everybody is subjective, but don't get to this place where
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  you feel gas-lit in your own life.
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  So, try to make more of these open statements without
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  judgment, don't be like, yeah, you're a real bitch.
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  You only like Chinese food because you're like everything
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  the way you like it don't, you know, this is not productive.
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  What you say is, I really try to.
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  I know you're picky about where we eat and so I really try to go
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  along with it all the time because I love you and I want
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  you to be happy. That is something that is
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  truthful and that can only benefit your relationship in the
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  long run. Even if she's snippy about it in
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  the beginning or he, there's plenty of men who are the more
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  difficult partner. In this case, I frequently see
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  more highly sensitive women in my office that are in this
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  position but there are many more men who are more difficult as
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  well. So, you know, flip the gender as
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  is relevant for you. Now something related to this is
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  that if you are the more difficult partner, Then you
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  frequently have higher standards for what you expect out of an
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  intimate relationship and sometimes you really have to
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  think about these standards and whether the person that can roll
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  with all of your other demands on request, can really also be
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  the person that you know, is your Prince Charming in all of
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  these other aspects and I can switch the gender after this for
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  a different sort of example. Having the man being the more
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  difficult partner. But if we stick to the woman
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  being the more difficult partner that situation frequently, this
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  woman is saying that she also wants somebody who can
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  anticipate our every need and is very romantic and is very deep
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  and loves to have deep conversations and basically is
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  another highly sensitive person. Now if this is another highly
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  sensitive person, then very frequently that person and you
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  would be vying for who you know who's way wins the person who is
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  Laidback enough to let you get your way.
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  Most of the time is usually not a fellow, highly sensitive
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  person unless they do a lot of deep internal work and and, and
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  make themselves more flexible or you do you know this will
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  usually lead to clashes. So they are not the person who's
• 14:16
  always going to go to Chinese they're really going to want
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  pizza. So particularly when women are
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  in the phase of getting pregnant and having babies they often
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  naturally. Towards somebody who they know,
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  they can get their way with because they, this feels safer
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  to them. So, this is someone who will
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  also let them have their way on a lot of parenting stuff, but
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  then they are putting this person into a very bad no-win
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  situation when they are wanting him to, not only be the person
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  who could be laid back and flexible and roll with stuff.
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  But also be really intense and emotional.
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  When and passionate when they need him to be, most people are
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  not both of these. It there either the laid-back
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  person who rolls with shit or their, the passionate intense
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  person who has a lot of, you know, competing demands to you.
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  So this is a good time to think about whether you are putting
• 15:13
  your spouse into a no-win situation because you got him
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  for certain characteristics like his ability to let you kind of
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  do what you want when things are important to you.
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  But then you also want him to show up in this very intense way
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  that really is at all. Odds with the other personality
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  traits that you want. So, in the converse situation,
• 15:35
  where the man is the more difficult partner, and the woman
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  kind of is laid back and rolls with stuff.
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  I see this, a lot when the man is this really type a
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  high-strung person and he likes everything to be perfect.
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  And so, of course, he had to marry a woman who is laid-back
• 15:52
  and flexible and let him, you know, get her get his way all
• 15:55
  the time. But then she parents in the same
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  Back flexible way. And then he's like, oh my god,
• 16:01
  you're letting the kids, you know, run wild?
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  Well, yeah, because she has the same personality.
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  The same person that kind of lets you do whatever you want,
• 16:10
  what you really liked before kids, and always let you get.
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  Your weight is going to let the kids always get their way to.
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  So if you want your wife, who is the more laid-back flexible kind
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  of giving partner to then become a hard-ass and disciplinarian
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  with the children you would Wouldn't have married her if she
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  was a hard-ass disciplinarian type with you.
• 16:32
  If every time you had a you know, you were an egomaniac
• 16:36
  about something, she called you out that courtship would never
• 16:39
  have lasted Beyond a day so she had to roll with your difficulty
• 16:43
  and now she does the same for the kids.
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  If you think about it in this way, then you may understand
• 16:50
  that. Yeah, you married.
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  Somebody who cannot be all things just like every human.
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  Marry somebody, who cannot be all things, they cannot be both.
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  One thing and the opposite of that thing.
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  So if you are a man or a woman that is the more difficult
• 17:05
  partner and realizes that, you have been expecting your partner
• 17:09
  to be both things. Both difficult, like you and
• 17:13
  passionate, and intense and strict in certain ways that the
• 17:16
  kids and whatever. But also, when it comes to, you
• 17:19
  really laid back and let you do whatever the hell you want,
• 17:22
  because, you know, your way or the highway, I mean, then you
• 17:26
  are really wanting a fictional character.
• 17:28
  ER or some sort of an Android that they may come up with in
• 17:31
  later years but is currently not available on the market.
• 17:35
  So think deeply about this idea because people get married to
• 17:41
  people that kind of are the yin to their Yang especially in
• 17:44
  first marriages and later. They realized maybe they want to
• 17:49
  get into their Yen. But if you still love the
• 17:52
  person, how could you kind of look down on them for continuing
• 17:57
  to be the same? Person that you were compatible
• 17:59
  with. At the beginning, certainly,
• 18:01
  sometimes compatibility ends and people separate.
• 18:05
  But in general, if you can just see that this is the same person
• 18:09
  that you were with and you were with them for a certain reason.
• 18:13
  And all they're really doing is being the same as they always
• 18:15
  were, then you can have more empathy.
• 18:18
  Not saying that this person can grow and evolve and that you
• 18:21
  can't, but you can have more empathy and understanding and
• 18:24
  not think of yourself as victimized in this situation by
• 18:28
  the Exact same personality traits that you subconsciously
• 18:31
  selected your partner on to begin with because obviously,
• 18:35
  that is very, very unfair to them.
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  And that's probably not who you want to be as a partner.
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  So if this resonated with you then share it with your partner.
• 18:46
  You guys should probably be able to figure out which one of you
• 18:49
  is the more difficult partner. It's not too hard.
• 18:51
  It's the one that everybody thinks is the more difficult
• 18:53
  partner and if both of you happened to be difficult, but
• 18:58
  Vote in different ways. Sometimes people say this so
• 19:01
  like what they mean is like he has a favorite baseball team and
• 19:04
  always want to watch those games but I like every single other
• 19:08
  thing my way. So in that case the ladder
• 19:11
  partner would be the more difficult one.
• 19:13
  So remember own it be grateful and appreciative for the ways
• 19:18
  that the other partner accommodates you and verbalize
• 19:23
  this verbalize your appreciation for that.
• 19:26
  They let you do all of these things and if you have also been
• 19:29
  wanting them to be two competing different personalities than now
• 19:34
  would be the time to maybe work on that.
• 19:36
  Right? Because that is an impossible
• 19:38
  situation. Okay.
• 19:40
  So if you like this podcast, subscribe, follow me on
• 19:44
  Facebook, dr. Psych mom, follow my blog,
• 19:47
  doctor, psych, mom.com, and I will talk to you guys soon.