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Dealmakers and Dealbreakers: Taking Ownership of Your Marriage · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for June 4, 2026 Deal Makers and Deal Breakers Taking Ownership
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  of Your Marriage The bottom line is if you don't like how your marriage or life
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  is, you have to do something about it.
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  The life and marriage you have are largely based on your choices.
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  And if you don't make changes, you're choosing to keep having the same thing.
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  And all too often, that ends badly.
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  We've watched couples divorce because one spouse is done. They don't care anymore.
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  Often they care so little they aren't even mad anymore. They no longer expect
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  their spouse's love and no longer want it either.
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  Some seek help to check that box, but they are past the point where it can do any good.
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  Short of a miracle, you can't heal what's dead. These folks have decided they
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  will no longer accept how things have been, and their solution is to walk away.
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  What drives me crazy is most of these same people would not have been willing
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  to try to change their marriage a couple of years earlier.
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  Some would have felt it was too much work. Others feared it would have hurt
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  too much. Still others would have been afraid it would end their marriage.
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  Let me assure you, divorce is painful and it can be a lot of work.
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  And while some feel real relief, there is always pain and difficulty,
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  especially when there are children.
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  It's a painful irony to avoid the work that could save your marriage out of
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  fear that it might end it.
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  All this is to encourage you to do the hard work of transformation before you
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  reach the I'm done phase.
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  This is owning your life. Doing nothing until you feel a jumping ship is your
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  only option is letting life happen to you.
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  The issue then is being honest with yourself. If your marriage continues as
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  it is, will you reach a point where you don't care?
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  As you consider that, realize unhealthy marriages don't continue as they are.
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  If you don't work to improve it, an unhappy marriage will get steadily worse.
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  Perhaps you can live with what you have now, but can you live with what you
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  have in five years? Are you headed for problems if there is no change?
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  If so, I suggest you work on a list of deal-makers, things that you must have
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  to keep caring about your marriage, and deal-breakers, things that will kill your marriage.
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  What must your marriage have for you to stay engaged? What will kill your marriage?
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  A deal-maker might be, we prioritize regular time together, and or regular sex.
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  A deal-breaker might be things such as contempt or constant criticism.
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  Don't rush doing this. Make the list, then set them aside for a day and come back to it.
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  Once you have them, look at the list critically. Are there any must-haves missing?
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  Are there any deal-breakers present?
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  If you don't choose to deal with these things, you are choosing to sit by while
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  your marriage grows steadily worse and possibly dies.
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  Pick one item and work on it. Start with something that seems easy,
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  probably one where you can make significant changes on your own.
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  Yes, this will be difficult, and it will be painful.
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  Divorce is more difficult and more painful. This is Paul, and everyone has different
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  deal-makers and deal-breakers.