Latest / What The Heck with Matt Bellassai / Medieval Girl Fall, Pheromone Maxxing, and Throat Burrowing Bats?!

Transcript

Medieval Girl Fall, Pheromone Maxxing, and Throat Burrowing Bats?! · What The Heck with Matt Bellassai

0:00
I also got my haircut. Do you like it?
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Would you wear your hat? No one commented on my haircut.
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Probably 'cause I'm in a hat. Every time I go to the groomer,
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I the groomer. Welcome back to What the Heck
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with Matt Bellassai, a podcast about all the things that make
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me say what the heck? I'm your host, Matt Bellassai.
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We we're getting right into Business Today.
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The business of today. It's fall time.
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It's fall time officially. I'm calling it the end of
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summer. It's September.
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Some people are calling it Medieval Girl Fall.
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Yes, I knew you 2 would love it. So maybe I'm just in a medieval
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girl bubble, but I'm really feeling I'm feeling like this is
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going to be medieval girl fall. I feel like we're we're going to
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the Renaissance fair in September, which I'm excited
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slash terrified about a few things about the Renaissance
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Fair. One, I have to get an outfit.
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I don't like getting an outfit. I barely the the way that I have
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committed to dressing like an adult child just forever.
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It's been so long since I really gave a shit about what I was
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wearing and I I think for a long time I was like, I don't really
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give a shit I'm just going to throw on whatever, I'm just
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comfortable. It's probably since COVID this
1:22
is just me explaining symptoms of depression, but I haven't
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really like really thought to. I'm just like, I just wear kind
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of whatever. I dress like a toddler.
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Most of my most of my shirts are Harry Styles merch at this
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point, just 'cause I haven't replenished my wardrobe.
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So now when it comes to not only something that I have to like,
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pick out an outfit for, but something that I have to like,
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curate an on theme outfit for who?
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Boy, we're stressing. I don't know what should I be?
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What kind of character? Should I be a character?
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Should I be some type of freak? Should I go kind of like Shrek
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with it? Am I, Am I some type of like
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hairy beast? Do I go like monk?
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Do I go like Baker? But I don't.
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Nobody really knows what a medieval Baker is.
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Describe a medieval Baker. You can't.
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It's just like a guy in a smock with like a sourdough loaf.
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That's it. And an apron and an apron, I
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guess. But also I kind of want to wear
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like chainmail. But then also where am I going
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to get chainmail? And then I just I'm going to
2:25
have chainmail in my apartment. But I don't know.
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I don't know what we'll find out.
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Stay tuned for what the heck my Renaissance outfit will be.
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Maybe I'll do I should do it. The episode in my Renaissance
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costume, whatever it is, we can do a whole medieval themed
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episode. But yeah, the second TikTok
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learned that I was interested in Renaissance fair, it's starting
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to show me so much stuff, including, and I'll tell you,
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I've fallen into these thirst traps, some thirst traps for us
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from some very hunky gentlemen who are putting on their
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medieval clothes and giving me dot dot, dot.
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I was trying. There's no really funny way to
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say boner anyway, anyway, it's medieval girl fall.
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We're we're leaning into medieval girl fall.
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I'm going to get real medieval with it.
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I'm, I'm doing Mead. Barry and I once we went to an
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event for, I don't know, the premiere of some television show
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with Daniel Radcliffe and it was like a medieval theme.
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And they had the event was sponsored by or in collaboration
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with Dylan Sprouse's Mead company.
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So Mead, I think it's like wine made out of honey, basically.
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Don't tell me how that works. I don't even understand how
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fermentation works really. How are you fermenting honey?
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I don't, I don't know. I don't know what they're doing.
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I don't know how it works, but they're making wine somehow.
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Wine slash beer out of honey and it'll get you fucked up.
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I'll tell you that much right now, because I was doing the
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splits in the middle of that venue.
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I was ripped off of Dylan Sprouse's Mead doing splits in
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the middle of Houston Hall in Manhattan.
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And then Barry nearly died. She got like she, she basically
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poisoned her. I think I got alcohol poisoned.
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So anyway, shout out to Dylan Sprouse.
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We do love you. Dylan.
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Love Dylan. I we did have him on my old
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podcast on happy hour and then I was at an event a few weeks ago
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and I saw one of the Sprouse brothers and I didn't know which
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one it was. They're.
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Not even identical. Oh, how they look so different.
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OK, you're in a dark bar. You see what is vaguely the
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shape of a Sprouse twin. I I know one of them.
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I don't know the other one personally.
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And I'm like, what are you supposed to do?
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Go up? Which one are you?
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No. So I kind of just ignored him
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and hoped if it, if it was the one that knew me, that he would
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say hello. He didn't really say hello.
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Probably didn't even see me it, it was in the dark.
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The point is, how are you supposed to tell twins apart as
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adults? That's why everybody, if you're
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a twin as an adult, I need you to have a distinct style.
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If you're not going to wear name tags, then like, have different
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haircuts, have different, like one of you wears Hawaiian shirts
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all the time and one of you wears, like, denim.
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I just need some distinct differences between the two of
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you so that I can tell you apart in a crowded, dark bar.
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Sprouse Twins. But yeah, I am.
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I'm excited about fall. My body can tell that it is the,
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my body can tell that it is almost Great British Bake Off
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season. I feel like once the like late
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August, early September depression starts to kind of set
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in, it's like my body is doing some type of biological response
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to the Great British Bake Off tent being erected and they're,
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they're doing baked goods in there.
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I, they probably film the season already 'cause they always film
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it for some unknown reason in the height of summer, in the
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height of British summer, in a country without air
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conditioning, where they were complaining about, I mean, this
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this year especially, shit was on fire, right?
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They're always like chocolate, the chocolate day.
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How are we going to temper our chocolate?
6:30
Also, and here's a, here's a great question for the scholars
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out there, What is El Nino? Do we think they're always
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talking about El Nino? I used to be obsessed with El
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Nino when I was in, like, middle school.
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I wrote a like story, you know, when you had to write like
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stories and stuff for school. And I wrote a story that my
6:53
teachers love so much that they, like, submitted it to like, a
6:55
contest. Lost, I think.
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But it was about like The Four Seasons.
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Like, each of The Four Seasons was like a different character.
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And one of them had a pet called Ninny for El Nino.
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And I just remember, like, the name of El Nino just stuck in my
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head. No idea what it is.
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I don't know. I saw someone put, like, a map
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of it. I think it just means we're all
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going to, like, fucking die. But yeah, I don't know what El
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Nino is. They're kind of saying it's
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going to be the worst ever. And who knows what that means.
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I think it means it's going to be like, I think it means it's
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going to be like, warmer. We're going to have a more mild
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winter. But like, that's actually not
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really a good thing because winter is supposed to be cold.
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Who knows? Who knows what's going to
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happen? I don't know.
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So the definition of El Nino, a warm ocean current that flows
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along the equator from the dateline and South off the coast
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of Ecuador at Christmas time. Yeah, it's like a warm ocean
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current that affects the weather.
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It affects temperatures and stuff anyway.
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But yeah, August depression is real, and the Great British Bake
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Off tent, I think will save my life every year.
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Every year it comes when I need her most.
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And I'm going to go ahead and meet her at this very moment.
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It might not start until October.
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Look up, look up. Great British Bake Off premiere
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date. Do we have it yet?
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And then they replace Prue, they replace Pruely's with Nigella
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Lawson. I don't really know anything
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about her other than she pronounced microwave as
8:33
microwave that one time. I don't know if that's just kind
8:36
of like a recurring speech impediment of hers or if that's
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was a mistake, but. Tuesday, September 29th.
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Still a month away, but that's in the UK probably.
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And then it's it premieres in the US.
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Usually it's like the following week and I'm going to have to re
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entering that season again. I had to endure it with Love is
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blind. Not love is blind.
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I had to endure it with Love Island where they air it in the
9:06
UK before it airs in the US. And then I have to try to avoid
9:10
spoilers on the Internet because the Internet doesn't care about
9:13
spoilers. The algorithm will spoil the
9:17
shit out of everything for you. Fix that, fix that, Wyatt.
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That's the the no. It's legitimately like pissing
9:23
me off every time. Like the algorithm knows, Oh,
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you watch the show so we're going to show you the latest
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about it and then the second you open up an app, boom, spoiler
9:33
right in your face 'cause some of these God damn websites are
9:36
just posting shit about who's winning.
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It's also about damn time for summer to end because the
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mosquitoes have been out to kill me and I'm getting they're
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getting on my last damn nerve. Sorry I lack the self-control
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not to scratch the fuck out of all my mosquito bites.
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And now my leg is bleeding in multiple spots.
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Why do you think I'm wearing pants today?
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Because my my leg looks like a a fucking hat scratching post.
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Is that a good metaphor? What else?
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What else we got? It looks like a fucking looks
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like a kebab. It looks like a kebab on the
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thing that spins around. What do you the things that they
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they shave off the EUR from? No, my leg looks fine.
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It's just got a couple of mosquito bites, but I cannot not
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scratch mosquito bites. I've said before, I love
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scratching mosquito bites. It feels good, OK.
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It feels good to scratch mosquito bite and you watch it
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get bigger and bigger. It feels good.
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I like seeing the little white, like, you know, you kind of make
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it look like it's like the little white spot, the pale spot
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in the middle of the red scratch.
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Love that shit. It's one of the freakiest things
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about me. When you wake up in the morning
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and it's like the mosquito bites are at their like freshest, most
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scratchable. I can lay in bed and absolutely
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take off an entire layer of epidermis.
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Is that the word epidermis? Dermis, I'm going down, I'm
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going down to the sub layers of my skin, scratching, scratching,
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scratching. And yeah, the problem is I
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scratch so much and then I give myself scars and then I start
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bleeding and it's like, not good.
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Also, West Nile virus, to be more serious for a second, for a
11:29
while it felt like they were not doing West Nile.
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Now we're back on West Nile and it's in New York.
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They said it's in New York, it's in Brooklyn.
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Some lady got it. There's not kind of not any way
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around it. But then someone, I read once
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that they're, they're doing like bioengineered mosquitoes in some
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places and, and, and they're like wiping out full blown
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mosquito populations in some bad spots in like Africa where like
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people get malaria from them. They can like bioengineer
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mosquitoes to make other mosquitoes.
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They basically like bioengineer them with like an STD that makes
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you barren. And then all of the horny
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infected mosquitoes go out and they they get all of the women
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mosquitoes pregnant with the barren STD and then all of the
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mosquitoes die off after like a generation 'cause they can't
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have any more kids. Beautiful stuff that they're
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doing. Why aren't we doing that in
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Brooklyn, NY? I don't really know the
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procedure, how much it costs, but like, but also it's kind of
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scary 'cause like, what is what is that doing to environment?
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Is mosquito good for environment?
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I don't know these questions. Sometimes I'm like mosquitoes,
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unfortunately, mosquitoes have been around for like literally
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millions and trillions of years. I think.
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I feel like they were doing mosquitoes in in dinosaur times,
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if if Jurassic Park is to be believed, they certainly were.
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And they were big as fuck. Steven Spielberg, you freak.
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He was. No, he didn't do.
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Oh, I'm thinking of Jumanji, famously a real story with the
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real shit. But the mosquito and Jumanji,
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scary as fuck. Those things were big and they
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would they'd kill you and then maybe you turn into a monkey.
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Oh, I wanted to be the monkey kid so bad.
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I never understood the part where he was like he had to
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whisper in Robin Williams ear and he bends down and he's like
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what's wrong? And it was because his tail
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needed to be let out. Do you remember that part of
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Jumanji? I've.
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Actually never seen Jumanji. I will punch you in the face.
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What are you talking about? You've never seen Jumanji.
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I've seen scenes. That's a Seminole film in the
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Western Canon that is like, that's my Criterion collection.
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Nothing scares me more than the Criterion Closet.
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I don't know, I kind of don't know what it is and what's going
14:03
on in there. And like people, they they're
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treating people going into that closet like it, it's make or
14:08
break. Like if you don't pick the right
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movies, they'll shoot you on the way out.
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And I'm scared that I would get shot.
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Is Jumanji in the Criterion Collection?
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Because that would be my pick. What is the Criterion?
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The Criterion Collection is like old movies, but some new movies.
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But what count? Who decides who is Criterion?
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They're shoving people into that closet and forcing them to to
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pick movies and it's so scary to me.
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It's essential. It's a distribution company.
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No, I have nothing against the Criterion Collection.
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I have nothing against their customer base.
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I just don't really know what's going on in that closet.
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But anyway, back to mosquitoes. I don't know why I was like, we,
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we went to the park last week for a little bit, got a bunch of
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mosquito bites then, but I we weren't even there for that long
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and we were smoking. Isn't that supposed to get rid
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of them? I don't.
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Believe any of it. I did.
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There was one year where I went to a wedding that was outside.
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I was wearing a full suit. Full suit, didn't take off my
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jacket even. They had got me through my
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pants. Yeah, they were really tight
15:22
pants. It's probably my fault for
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wearing tight pants that the mosquito poker could get
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through, But I had mosquito bites all over.
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It was so itchy. And then there was one night
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where I was in so much agony because of how much I was
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scratching that I was like, I need the pink lotion.
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The pink lotion that you rub on bites calamine, Calamine lotion.
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I was like, I need it. And so I instacarted some
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calamine lotion 'cause it was late at night and I was like, I
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just need it brought to me. I'm all pay the premium.
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And some man accepted the Instacart order, went to the
16:00
Walgreens and sent me a picture that said they don't have it.
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And he sent me a picture of the shelf where I saw the product on
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the shelf that I was looking for.
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And I, I took a screenshot and I circled it and I said it's right
16:13
here. And then he sent me another
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picture of the item below it. The way that some Instacart
16:22
shoppers make me violent. I remember seeing a video of a
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woman who, like her Instacart shopper was fucking up, so much
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so that she got in the car and drove to the store to confront
16:33
that person. I think Instacart like, banned
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her account 'cause it's like, you can't really be rolling up
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on the Instacart shopper like that, even if they're terrible
16:40
at it. But I in that moment I got her.
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I was like, this man is about to piss me the fuck off.
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What do you mean? I circled the product and you
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still are sending me a picture of something else.
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I think he ended up getting me like vaguely the right thing but
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not what I asked for. And I was paying like, I don't
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know, $35 for like a single thing of calamine lotion.
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I was like, I'm 'cause here's the thing, I have to tread very
17:06
carefully when I talk about like Instacart, Uber E, like even
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Uber drivers, 'cause I feel like there is a very fine line that a
17:14
lot of people cross between like complaining in a customer
17:19
service way and then just kind of like treating people like
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you're slaves. It's like just because you're
17:26
pay. I am someone who believes you
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are paying for a service. It's not unreasonable to expect
17:32
that you are getting the service that you paid for.
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Like it costs extra, costs more to do Instacart than it does to
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just go to the grocery store yourself because you are paying
17:43
for the luxury of having someone else get your shit and bring it
17:47
to you. But that being said, some people
17:49
treat the like service fee that they're paying like it's just an
17:53
open, open ticket to just treat this person like absolute
17:57
garbage. Same with like Uber where it's
17:59
like just because you're paying for the ride doesn't mean that's
18:02
your car now. No, you're in, you're still in
18:05
someone else's car and you need to treat that person with
18:08
respect and treat their shit like with respect.
18:11
That being said, if you send me the picture, it's like, I hate
18:16
to play into this and I, I so wish it wasn't true that male
18:21
Instacart shoppers cannot be trusted and need to be like mass
18:24
extincted. It's like, I feel like Instacart
18:28
has even started to do like ad campaigns around like how much
18:32
you can't trust their male drivers.
18:34
I, I swear I saw that. I think they did something with
18:36
Hannah Berner where they were like they were sort of making
18:40
jokes about it 'cause it's like at this point it's a near
18:43
universal experience that you cannot trust a male Instacart
18:46
shopper. And I've, I've first hand
18:49
evidence of the fact that those men do not know what they're
18:52
doing pissing me off. Some people were also, I saw
19:02
some people saying that the lanternflies are kind of gone.
19:06
You know, the lanternflies, I don't know whereabouts in the
19:09
country they occupy outside of like the Northeast, if it's just
19:13
in the northeast. So for listeners across the
19:16
country or the world, the lanternfly is a Kunti little
19:22
bug. It looks like a little moth, but
19:25
it has this beautiful Kunti red back.
19:27
She's got a beautiful red gown. She's feeling herself.
19:31
Apparently, it's kind of like the Hitler of bugs.
19:37
It's like the fifth horse of the apocalypse or something.
19:40
And like, the second it touches a tree, it kills, like, every
19:43
tree in the area. And there was a couple summers
19:46
ago where New York was like, if you see this bug, it's your
19:49
civic duty to kill its entire bloodline.
19:53
Yeah, like, it's not enough you it's not enough for you to just
19:56
kill it. You have to like, kill it, find
19:58
its nest, destroy its nest, kill all of its family, kill all of
20:02
its loved ones. And that's your responsibility.
20:05
You're saving the earth by by violently killing this vicious
20:08
little bug. Some people are saying, oh, this
20:11
year I haven't seen them at all this year.
20:12
I've seen more of those motherfuckers this year than I
20:14
ever have. They're all over the place.
20:16
They're getting bolder. They're landing on me.
20:19
They're landing on me when I'm walking down the street.
20:21
There's a spot along Flatbush that is like just infested with
20:27
them. I don't know what type of if
20:29
there's like a nest nearby or something.
20:31
I don't like to think about that.
20:32
I don't like to think about the bug nest.
20:34
A bird having a nest, Beautiful. Something that's so beautiful to
20:38
me, a bug having a nest. I'm going to throw up.
20:42
I'm going to throw up. I'm going to scratch my skin
20:43
off. I'm going to.
20:44
I can't even think about it. One of the most disgusting
20:50
things to me and one of my biggest fears in life and if
20:52
happened if it happened to me I think I would actually have to
20:55
myself is when you go to kill a spider and you swat it and it it
21:00
bursts open and like a bunch of baby spiders go flying out.
21:04
One of my biggest fears in life and I would self emulate.
21:09
I would I would unfortunately have to douse myself in kerosene
21:12
and set my entire apartment on fire with with all the spiders.
21:15
I know people who this has happened to.
21:18
It's I'm not just making it up. It happened to my cousin when we
21:23
were younger. Anyway, kill fuck those Lantern
21:27
bugs. I don't like them.
21:29
I don't like their red backs and there's too many of them and
21:32
they're flying all over the place.
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And then people I'm walking down the street and 1 lands on me.
21:36
I freak out and then perfect strangers are laughing at me on
21:39
the street because I'm freaking out about the Lantern bugs.
21:42
I don't like that. I also got my hair cut.
21:45
Do you like it? What are you wearing, a hat?
21:49
No one commented on my haircut. Probably 'cause I'm in a hat
21:53
every time I go to the groomer. I the groomer.
21:59
Well, Truffles also went to the groomer and yeah, they sent me
22:03
some pretty accusatory texts while she was at the groomer.
22:08
I took Drovils to the groomer. She desperately needed it.
22:11
She was over overdue to go to the groomer and they sent me
22:16
pictures basically shaming me for how bad she'd gotten, which
22:20
I deserved. I'm like, I, I know she went too
22:23
long and her skin was irritated and stuff and they basically had
22:27
to shave her bald because like that's the only way to get like
22:31
the matting out. I try, I try to brush her, she
22:33
doesn't like it and then she runs away.
22:36
I try to just cut off the clumps and it doesn't trust me.
22:40
I'm, I'm doing the best I can. I'm a I'm a single mother.
22:44
I'm a single mother trying to support my children.
22:47
But then I went to the groomer for myself.
22:49
My Barber is, I go to like a straight guy Barber.
22:53
I don't know, there's some type of Eastern European couldn't,
22:56
couldn't pinpoint a country or if that country even exists
22:59
anymore. But they're always kind of
23:04
speaking to one another in a kind of Slavic language that I
23:07
don't understand. And but then he turns to me and
23:11
he says, do you want to do something about those eyebrows?
23:19
OK, yeah, fucking drag me. First of all, I left my bushy
23:24
eyebrows. Second of all, when my glasses
23:27
are on, you can barely even see them.
23:29
So it's really only apparent when my glasses are off, which
23:32
is what they are 'cause they he'll essentially take off.
23:34
There's something so sensual about the Barber.
23:37
Maybe I'm just bringing a kind of horny energy to it, but you
23:40
have a man who's circling your chair, who's who's, you can feel
23:45
the heat coming off of their genitals basically.
23:50
And then they do the hot towel massage, love the hot towel
23:54
massage they're doing. It's, I go to one of those
23:56
barbers that's like they've, it's got the pole outside, you
23:59
know what I mean? And so, yeah, they're doing
24:02
straight razor shave. They're doing of the back of my
24:05
neck, stuff like that. They're doing hot towel massage
24:10
with happy ending if you pay for it.
24:15
I do not. But yeah, they're always saying
24:17
the most crazy out of pocket stuff.
24:20
The guy once told me. And this is not like, I know.
24:24
It's like I, it's not nothing that I didn't already know.
24:26
But he was like, you know, you'd be a great candidate for a hair
24:30
transplant. And I was like, thanks.
24:34
I think it's just like, I am sort of amazed.
24:39
I feel like in my lifetime, in the last five years, I feel like
24:44
men have gotten, it's like we have turned a full 180 in terms
24:48
of like social acceptance of men getting hair transplants.
24:54
And now people are just kind of openly doing it and being very
24:58
like, I see so many content creators just kind of
25:01
documenting the process of doing it.
25:03
I've, I've thought about it. At this point, I'm almost like I
25:06
would worry that it would change my appearance too much.
25:10
It's why I'm scared to get a nose job even though I medically
25:14
need one, even though I can't breathe through my nose.
25:18
And nurses have gasped at the sight of my nose before.
25:24
I think I said on this podcast before, and I did have one nurse
25:27
doing a COVID test during COVID. And she gasped when I pulled my
25:30
mask down. And she was like, oh, my God,
25:32
you have a deviated septum. And I was like, yeah, well, I
25:37
would love to get a nose job. A, someone should pay for it,
25:40
not me. And B, I'm afraid it's going to,
25:45
like, make my face look too different.
25:47
But yeah, while you're in there. But, you know, shave a little
25:49
bit off, I guess. Go fool Michael Jackson with it.
25:52
So I'm going to get a nose job and get also for medical
25:56
reasons, a hair transplant. But then I'm just, yeah, I just
26:00
worry that it would make me look too weird because it's I've
26:02
gotten so used to one way. I don't know.
26:05
I don't know. And then some guys are doing
26:08
like full blown, like glued to your head hair units, they're
26:14
called, and that's kind of scary.
26:17
I have gotten DMS from like Turkish.
26:21
Turkish hair company is being like we'd love to sponsor you.
26:25
I'm not accepting A sponsorship from a random Turkish hair
26:28
transplant company. But a reputable Turkish right If
26:32
you were a. Reputable company that wants to
26:34
pay me to go to Turkey shall think about it.
26:40
Let's move on to what the heck is happening this week.
26:44
First, a woman in Virginia woke up in her bed at around 6:00 AM
26:51
because she felt something on her face.
26:53
Turns out there was a bat trying to Burrow into her mouth.
27:04
Hey, if that ever happened to me, I would never be the same
27:08
again. I unfortunately would.
27:12
What I would turn into whatever the opposite of Batman is that
27:15
would make that would be my Joker origin story.
27:19
I would actually resort to a life of crime if a bat ever
27:22
tried to Burrow into my mouth in the middle of the night.
27:24
First of all, she lives in like Richmond, VA.
27:27
I didn't know they were doing stuff like that there.
27:30
I don't really know where I thought bats would be crawling
27:33
into people's mouths, but it's wasn't in Richmond.
27:36
Sometimes I'm like, it's a bat. Like it's, I people have like a
27:41
fear of bats. I don't know if kind of
27:42
culturally their association with the vampire or if it's
27:48
'cause like it's a dirty rat with wings, but I like a, a, a
27:52
bat is cute, I think. I mean, yeah, it's got like
27:55
disgusting leathery wings that look like the, the, the hide of
28:00
like a lizard, but it's beautiful.
28:03
It's kind of like if I don't think, if you're afraid of like
28:06
a squirrel, like if you're not afraid of a squirrel, why are
28:09
you afraid of a bat just 'cause it can fly?
28:12
That's sort of the analogy for me.
28:15
But I guess it's like, obviously if you, if they say if you wake
28:18
up in a room and there's a bat even in the room, you need to go
28:21
to the hospital right away and get a rabies vaccine.
28:26
Because here's the thing about rabies, one of the, one of the
28:30
biggest issues that I care about is rabies prevention.
28:35
Much like Michael Scott, if you are infected with rabies, the
28:41
second that you start to show symptoms, there's no hope
28:45
anymore. And that's not an exaggeration.
28:48
If you like, if you get rabies, the second it is symptomatic,
28:53
you are dead. It there's no cure at that
28:56
point, but if you go to the doctor like immediately and get
29:00
like the shots for it, you should be, I think you should be
29:03
fine. And so it's like, always take
29:05
the precaution. If you think you were even in,
29:08
like, the same room with the bat, not a safe one like the
29:12
ones at the zoo, but like, you know, a bat that's broken in,
29:16
you should just assume that it bit you and go get a rabies
29:19
shot. I think there was a story a
29:21
couple years ago about this young boy in Canada who, like,
29:25
woke up, had a bat on him. His parents didn't see a scratch
29:30
or anything, so they didn't do anything about it.
29:32
And he died within, like, 3, two or three weeks.
29:36
Yeah. So just kind of a little bit of
29:38
a downer on that one. But like bats are so bats are
29:44
scary if they have rabies. What is the bat's natural
29:47
habitat? I always thought cave, but like
29:50
I also know of bats that are in like trees.
29:54
What are they doing there? That's not for bats.
29:58
Bats are for caves and Gotham City next.
30:03
Men on the Internet are apparently skipping several
30:08
showers to achieve what they're calling pheromone maxing in an
30:14
attempt to, I don't know, attract mates.
30:17
I don't know who is spreading this vicious propaganda.
30:21
But let me tell you something. Heterosexual men in particular
30:24
do not need more convincing not to shower.
30:28
We're we need to be working in the opposite direction.
30:31
Listen up Divas, because you have been not showering and
30:35
washing your assholes for decades now and it hasn't been
30:39
working so I don't know why all of a sudden someone gave a name
30:42
to it and now men are following this trend.
30:45
I also am not convinced that this isn't just someone kind of
30:49
making fun of looks maxing 'cause, you know, looks maxing
30:53
culture popularized by like Clavicular and other folks of
30:57
that nature who are doing these like increasingly deranged
31:02
things to try to maximize how good looking they are.
31:05
I mean, Clavicular became famous because he was like bashing his
31:09
face with a hammer in order to chisel himself a better jaw.
31:13
Speaking of someone who like looks weird after their nose
31:16
job. And I only feel comfortable
31:17
making fun of his appearance because that's all he talks
31:20
about and it's that's an entire personality.
31:22
And also I am sort of charmed by his whatever autism he has.
31:26
I, it's almost like I'm fascinated about clavicular on
31:30
like an anthropological level. There's videos of him trying to
31:34
impress women at the club and he's just like jumping up to
31:37
touch the ceiling. That's cute to me.
31:40
I don't think, I don't really know what's happening there.
31:42
Like if it's working for him, but he has, he's gone through
31:47
like a number of facial reconstruction surgeries or like
31:49
a nose job and stuff. And he, I think like objectively
31:52
looks worse. And I'm just like, this is a
31:56
case of like you're, you're taking the the kind of beauty of
32:01
what is natural about you and like altering it in a way that
32:07
is just weird looking. But anyway, I'm almost convinced
32:13
that pheromone maxing was just someone trying to like get the
32:16
media to think that it was real and it worked.
32:21
But I don't know, some guys, I guess maybe just aren't washing
32:25
in the hopes that they're they're they're more attractive.
32:29
And I love that there was this story that was like, basically,
32:32
this is not backed up by science whatsoever.
32:35
Like you smell like ass and this is not going to help you get
32:39
women. This article was getting quotes
32:45
from scientists being like, that's basically not how
32:48
pheromones work and it's not how your like yes, we have like
32:52
chemicals in our bodies that that people do kind of react to,
32:58
but it's not really connected to like how you're bathing.
33:03
And so like the stinkier you are, it's not like, oh, I I
33:06
you're like more fuckable. Quite the opposite 2 This is the
33:12
thing in the gay community is that gay guys, and it is an
33:16
epidemic in Brooklyn especially, are really kind of Musk maxing
33:22
where they're leaning into the not wearing deodorant and it is
33:28
kind of repulsive, disgusting. Citgo Barfo, you got to be
33:33
wearing deodorant. OK, The climate is too warm for
33:36
this shit. El Nino is coming put on this
33:39
extra strength deodorant. You're, you're we're needing the
33:42
one with the aluminum in it. We can't be doing all of that,
33:46
you know, natural it. It's If you're getting your
33:49
deodorant from Whole Foods, something has gone wrong.
33:52
Something has gone wrong and you're stinking up the club with
33:55
your dirty, stinky armpits. If you're making your own
33:59
deodorant at home, something has gone wrong.
34:02
If you're getting your deodorant from some type of independent
34:05
purveyor, say at a flea market, something has gone wrong.
34:10
I think your deodorant, that's sort of the trade off.
34:11
Your deodorant should kind of be giving you microplastic
34:14
infection. It's worth it.
34:18
It's where that's the kind of bargain that we make with the
34:20
devil is that you don't smell and you get a little
34:23
microplastic in you. We've almost come 180 from like
34:27
metrosexual where now these like look Max are kind of like alt
34:33
right men or manosphere men are like wearing deodorant and and
34:40
Cologne is like womanly and like the manly thing to do is to just
34:46
be natural. It's like you stink, you smell
34:51
bad, you smell bad. It's repulsive to everybody.
34:54
I'm literally choking on myself where deodorant unless I like
34:59
it. No, there was one guy who sort
35:05
of had a moment with after he was coming back from the gym.
35:10
I sort of thought he was going to be showering before then and
35:14
I got the sense that he had not based on kind of the fumes that
35:16
were coming from him. And it didn't.
35:19
I was not into it. I was kind of like this.
35:23
I'm kind of gagging a little bit, but not in the good way.
35:26
Anyway, moving on, Canadian officials reported the
35:32
appearance of a mysterious floating island the size of a
35:37
football field that they can no longer locate because it just
35:41
disappeared. What the fuck are you talking
35:44
about? This is all over the Internet
35:47
today. There's just a floating island
35:49
that this Canadian electric company was like, yo, so we saw
35:52
this island the other day and we don't really know where it went.
35:56
And I was like, what? I don't have time for that.
35:59
I don't have time for mysterious floating islands.
36:02
So I guess it's like, this is like a thing that happens.
36:05
It's like there are just like floating islands of trees that I
36:11
don't know if it like broke off from, like some type of swamp
36:15
area. And then it floats around and
36:17
sometimes boats will kind of all gather together to like push the
36:20
island out of the way if it's gets in the way of something.
36:23
But this one kind of showed up and then it disappeared and
36:26
nobody knows where it is. And I don't like that at all.
36:31
And it's like the size of a full football field bigger.
36:34
It's like, how do you lose a whole island?
36:36
But also the ocean is so big. Remember when they lost that
36:40
submarine and then and then it came out that it kind of just
36:44
immediately exploded the billionaire submarine.
36:48
We were looking for that thing for days.
36:49
Everybody had countdowns going. And then some guy was like, oh,
36:53
by the way, I heard a giant explosion pretty much the
36:56
second, the second it entered the water.
36:59
That was that was crazy. So it's in like British
37:04
Columbia. Oh, right.
37:06
It's in British Columbia's largest reservoir.
37:09
Now here's a question. What is a reservoir?
37:11
Even satellite imagery dated July 21st confirmed that the
37:15
island was in fact, real. Floating in the main body of the
37:18
reservoir. It was estimated to be about
37:22
9800 square meters. That's bigger than the size of a
37:26
Canadian football field and nearly the size of two NFL
37:29
fields. What the fuck is a Canadian
37:33
football field? Soccer anyway?
37:35
Don't like the disappearing, reappearing island?
37:37
Where did it go, where did it go?
37:40
What's under it? Nothing could be more scary to
37:42
me than being dropped in the middle of that island in the
37:45
middle of the night. I'm just inventing a scenario to
37:47
get scared by. Moving on to the what the heck
37:57
hotline, which is of course the number that any of you can call
38:00
to leave your what the heck of the week four O 7 WTH Matt,
38:04
let's hear this week's caller. OK, So what the?
38:07
Heck, this is a throwback. I was probably in middle school,
38:10
maybe first year of high school and on the school bus.
38:13
And, you know, like, you're nervous around like all these
38:15
like upperclassmen and, and, you know, just being a gay kid and
38:19
being kind of like shy and honestly nervous.
38:21
I was just staring out the bus window trying not to make eye
38:24
contact anyone, and all of a sudden the senior hollers across
38:27
the bus at me and tells me to close my mouth because I look
38:31
like something is wrong with me. As I was staring outside of the
38:35
window, I guess my mouth was wide open and I was mortified.
38:39
And now looking back and thinking back about that, what
38:42
the puck? What the heck was a senior doing
38:45
on the school bus? Really, we should be making fun
38:47
of you, not a little freshman over here that looks like he's
38:50
got something wrong with him with his mouth open.
38:52
What the heck? What the fuck?
38:58
I am obsessed with the fact that you are using the what the heck
39:03
hotline to deliver a clap back to what I assume is a 20 year
39:09
insult that you endured on the school vice.
39:13
Obsessed with you. Love that for you.
39:16
You took the equivalent of when you're driving home and you're
39:19
like, I should have said this, but you're applying it several
39:24
years later to what you went through on the school bus.
39:31
So I'm not even sure that what the what the what the heck?
39:34
At the the heart of it is, I suppose it is that.
39:39
Yeah. That we.
39:39
You should have been making fun of that guy and instead of him
39:43
making fun of you. That's a circle of life, babe.
39:47
I'm sorry. It's eat or be eaten and you got
39:49
8, it sounds like. Yeah, No, I've, I've sort of
39:53
forgotten about like bus politics.
39:56
There used to be like, yeah, the bus was such a kind of, the
39:59
school bus was such a central part of life for so many years.
40:04
And it's like who sits where, who gets allowed to do what, You
40:08
know, your relationship to the school bus driver, what they
40:11
were doing, what they were up to.
40:13
There was 1 driver who I remember like everybody was sort
40:16
of cheering for that person to. Take us like the long way to
40:22
school. And then they did.
40:24
And then for a for a second, it was like we're kind of just
40:26
being kidnapped. And we were like late because
40:33
they took us. They took us like, all the way
40:35
around. It's like there was a way to go
40:38
if to avoid like the train tracks.
40:41
But then like, they just kind of kept going because all of the
40:44
kids were like, let's do it. And so the bus driver just kind
40:47
of succumbed to the peer pressure of a bunch of, like, 13
40:51
year olds and kind of low key kidnapped us.
40:57
Yeah. And then he parked the bus and
41:01
pulled his pants down. I remember on the way back from
41:07
prom, my we were all in a limbo. And the limbo, it was like the
41:12
driver, the windows are all kind of fogged up because of the time
41:16
of year, not because we were, we were having an prom orgy, but
41:23
the the limo stopped and then we could see the driver kind of get
41:28
out and circle the limo and he was like smoking a cigarette.
41:33
He like pulled over for a smoke break and just kind of left us
41:36
in there in the midst of it. We were like, we're about to get
41:39
mass murdered. This is like a serial, this is
41:42
serial killer situation. Our limo driver.
41:45
Like this is literally what they write movies about.
41:48
And of of course, it's going to be our our limo, the limo of the
41:55
kind of like dumpy kids. I'm it's not a it's not a self
42:01
insult to say we weren't the popular kid limo.
42:04
I think if there was going to be a serial killer to take out a
42:07
limo full of prom children, it would be the hot kids.
42:11
Famously. That's what I would do if I were
42:13
a serial killer. Thank God I'm not.
42:17
But anyway, I'm sorry that this happened to you, caller.
42:22
Moving on to my what? The hecks of the week?
42:25
All the stuff that's making me say what the heck?
42:29
First, too many streaming services are raising their
42:35
prices and guess what babe, I'm out.
42:38
I've had enough. I've had enough.
42:40
You, you raised the price $1.00 too far.
42:43
You thought I wouldn't notice that you were just raising it
42:46
1-2 dollars at a time. But it it's all caught up to me
42:50
and I went through all my subscription and I said this is
42:53
enough of that. I know we've talked for a long
42:55
time about how streaming services are just replacing
42:58
cable. But I feel like it is finally
43:00
truly been realized that if you put together all of the
43:04
streaming services that the average person is expected to
43:06
have, it's it's more than the cost of cable by a lot.
43:13
It's like twice the amount of cable.
43:15
I just like we've talked about how these streaming services are
43:19
replacing cable and I feel like the time has come for us to
43:22
reckon with the fact that this is not sustainable.
43:25
What do you mean? I'm having to pay $20.00 for
43:27
every streaming service every month?
43:29
I'm not even watching stuff like that.
43:31
Crazy. If you actually sit back.
43:34
I mean, part of me was just like, am I actually watching any
43:38
of these things? No.
43:40
And guess what? A lot of times you go to cancel
43:42
those things, even within the app, you don't even have to talk
43:44
to someone. It'll say, oh, before you go,
43:46
we'll give it to you for like 1/4 of the price.
43:49
Oh, isn't that interesting? Isn't that interesting that that
43:52
price suddenly just showed up for me that now I can get
43:56
Netflix for 999 instead of like 3099 or whatever.
44:01
And what are you? What are you showing me?
44:03
Another fucking documentary about someone getting their shit
44:06
murdered. That's all Netflix now is.
44:10
Just like murder documentaries and podcasts.
44:13
And I don't know, unless you want to buy this podcast on
44:17
Netflix. Ted.
44:22
Is it still Ted? Ted, if you're listening, I'm
44:26
I'll say nice things about you. I do watch them.
44:28
The thing is it's like I watch a little bit of something on
44:31
everything. And that's why I was like, I
44:33
just have everything. Also, it's kind of for work.
44:35
I have to be up to date on like what is happening because I am,
44:39
I'm commenting on, you know, pop culture, but also there's too
44:42
many things. There's too many.
44:44
It's like I don't, I don't need Paramount Plus.
44:47
First of all, who's watching anything on Paramount Plus?
44:50
It's under the age of 90 years old.
44:53
What am I? What am I watching?
44:54
The Big Bang Theory and Yellowstone.
44:56
The other thing that I forgot to talk about earlier, we went to
44:59
see the Odyssey for the third time.
45:03
We saw it in IMAX 70mm the way Christopher Nolan intended.
45:06
It's the only IMAX 70mm screen in New York.
45:10
It's one of like 6 in the country or something.
45:13
I will say, truly incredible screen.
45:15
It was like it was worth it. It is like an absolutely massive
45:20
screen. That being said, the behavior
45:23
that I witnessed at that movie theater was some of the most
45:26
deranged, despicable and disgusting behavior I've seen in
45:29
my life. People were the movie time. 2:00
45:34
PM? Sure, there's 15 minutes of
45:37
trailers. We all know that people were
45:39
walking in with their flashlights on to find their
45:42
seats at 2:40, 40 minutes after the movie had started.
45:47
Christopher Nolan should get a gun, OK?
45:50
And he should get to shoot you before you walk in.
45:53
The way that you're disrupting my experience, how in, Listen,
45:57
it was a very rainy day in New York that it was like very
46:00
stormy. I get maybe that impeded some
46:03
people's plans, but like, at that point, you're disrespecting
46:06
everybody else by showing up 40 minutes late.
46:09
And it's one thing to show up late, it's another thing to walk
46:12
in with your camera flashlight on to find your seat.
46:16
No, you your punishment is that you have to stumble around in
46:19
the dark. I don't care if you're an 80
46:20
year old woman. Also, I don't know if you
46:22
noticed. There was somebody who came in
46:24
very late and then said you're in the wrong seats to two people
46:30
and tried to get them to move because this is like reserved
46:32
seating, right? And it's like.
46:34
Brother. Find an empty seat.
46:36
Yeah, I did not. Notice that no, I no, some
46:40
theaters like Alamo Draft House has like a no late seating
46:44
policy and I'm going to go ahead and endorse that policy for
46:48
everybody. For everybody.
46:50
I like your grace period is the trailers.
46:53
Once the movie has started, it's done.
46:56
The doors are locked. We're all locked in here
46:58
together. Then there was another guy,
47:02
there was another guy who decided to get up right before
47:05
it was like the trailers had played for several minutes and
47:08
he decided he was going to get up and go get a couple of
47:11
drinks. And it was, it's one of those
47:13
theaters where like if you have to get up and walk, it's like
47:18
everybody's got to like put their knees up, stand up to let
47:21
you go. There's not much space.
47:23
And so it's incredibly disruptive to have to like get
47:26
up and, and do and, and move in the middle of a, a, a movie,
47:30
learn how to behave in public. It was just like one of the
47:33
most. And then the person behind me, I
47:34
was fighting for my life because they kept kneeing the back of my
47:39
seat like a child on an airplane.
47:41
And at one point I was like, I'm going to lean forward and jam my
47:45
seat back. That's how angry I was getting.
47:48
And I actually like push back with all my might.
47:51
My legs were straining. I was in a battle.
47:53
I was in a battle for control of Ithaca and.
47:59
I was. Losing, if we're being honest,
48:01
but I was like, I don't even know if they're aware of this.
48:04
It's pissing me off. Then the same day that we saw
48:07
the Odyssey, I saw someone post on Reddit.
48:10
They said if you were at the 2:00 PM screening of the Odyssey
48:13
at Lincoln Square and you were in this seat, fuck you.
48:16
And it was this whole post about this person being like, you were
48:21
sitting next to me. You were on your phone the
48:24
entire time, checking emails, responding to stuff.
48:27
After two hours, I told you to stop and thank thankfully you
48:31
did. But then I guess after the movie
48:33
ended, this guy turned and was like, what was that about my
48:36
phone? And he was like, you were on it
48:40
for the first two hours of the movie and the guy was like,
48:44
well, you were the only one who seemed bothered by it.
48:46
And then multiple other people had to like chime in and be
48:49
like, no, dude, We were also bothered by it.
48:52
And the guy said, and this is the part where I was like, I
48:55
would have I would have become violent.
49:00
He said, well, I'm on the clock today.
49:03
So some of us have to respond to stuff.
49:06
Docks him. Report him to HR.
49:10
Yeah, find out where. He works, but I the.
49:13
Way that I would become the Incredible Hulk.
49:19
I'm like, there's no I almost. I'm like, there's no way that
49:23
this person is real. That would send me into such a
49:26
rage. What do you mean you're on the
49:28
clock? So you have to respond to emails
49:30
while you're at a movie. That's not how it works.
49:35
Sorry. If you have work, then you don't
49:37
get to come to the movie. That's how it's that's how it's
49:40
been done since movies were invented.
49:43
What are you talking about? I just like, I think that he
49:48
should lose his job. I think this is the one time
49:52
where I'm like, we need to dox this person and he needs to lose
49:54
his job because that is going to piss me off more than anything
49:58
I've ever heard in my life. And yeah, those tickets were
50:00
nearly impossible to get. And people were like fighting
50:03
for their lives trying to get a single ticket to that screen.
50:07
But like, that is crazy to me and the friends that I went
50:10
with, like people took off the day of of work.
50:14
It's like that's that's what you do as a responsible adult.
50:17
So you're not disrespecting the people around you.
50:19
The world isn't about you, you piece of shit.
50:24
I hope that guy is a terrible day.
50:26
But anyway, it was just like that whole experience pissed me
50:28
the fuck off and I enjoyed the movie very much.
50:32
Ate a shit load of popcorn and it was great.
50:35
But like movie theaters, I don't.
50:38
I don't know if I can do it anymore.
50:40
I'm going to be honest. I think it's, I think it's over
50:42
for me. And finally, it's something that
50:49
really pissed me off because I went to the store today and I
50:51
was getting deodorant, which which a lot of you could learn
50:55
from and tell me why they have a Ted Lasso, a Ted Lasso tie in
51:03
Dove deodorant. We have gone too far with these
51:08
movie television brand tie insurance.
51:12
We don't need to be doing all that.
51:15
And I feel like we truly reached the peak of it during Barbie and
51:19
Wicked where it was like, you know, we're doing Wicked
51:23
toothbrushes. We're doing Wicked like rugs and
51:27
blankets and home decor. It's like enough, enough of
51:32
that. I don't need a Ted Lasso
51:33
deodorant. What does that even mean?
51:36
How, how, how is that going to get me to watch the show?
51:40
And yeah, I'm talking about it on a podcast, but, but it's
51:44
like, don't piss me off with a Ted Lasso deodorant.
51:48
What is it supposed to smell like?
51:49
Mustache, mustache and shortbread.
51:52
What's it supposed to smell like?
51:53
The Texas BBQ 'cause that's where he's from in that show.
51:59
I don't know. I, I appreciate Ted Lasso.
52:02
I really love the first couple of seasons.
52:04
It's, I don't think it's for me anymore.
52:06
Oh, now it's. About women.
52:09
They, once they started doing women's soccer, I said I can't
52:11
support this anymore. I don't really believe in the
52:13
ethics of this. I don't know if we can be
52:16
supporting all of that. I'm afraid now sometimes I, I
52:21
just started reading this book series that is kind of popular,
52:25
but I don't know how I feel about it.
52:27
And I've seen people kind of talk negatively about it in some
52:29
spaces and then they get silenced.
52:34
I started reading the Dungeon Crawler Carl series.
52:38
It's very popular. It's like, I mean, I think it's,
52:42
it's like every book on the New York Times bestseller list is
52:45
now with the Dungeon crawler series.
52:47
And if you don't know what it is, Peacock is like making a
52:52
show about it. It's Hunger Games meets The
52:56
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
52:58
I would say it's like an alien corporation comes to Earth,
53:01
destroys everything, and then all of the survivors have to
53:05
compete in this like reality game show where they have to
53:09
like, kill one another and go through a dungeon down several
53:13
levels. And it's written like an RPG.
53:17
So you're like following the main character Carl as he goes
53:20
through the dungeon, but he gets like achievements and levels up.
53:24
And it's like as if you're playing like a video game.
53:27
So it's almost like not a book. It's like its own thing, but
53:33
it's very repetitive. It's like, you know, the boss
53:36
battle and then achievements, achievements, and then it's very
53:39
repetitive. And I'm just like there's,
53:41
there's like 8 more of these books and they're all like 1000
53:44
pages. I'm enjoying it.
53:46
It's very enjoyable, it's very entertaining.
53:48
But also I don't know if I can do this for 10,000 more pages.
53:55
And I saw some girl basically saying that on Tiktok and then
53:58
and then they were like calling for her for her head.
54:03
So we'll see. I don't know.
54:04
Anyway, finally, my heck yeah brother.
54:08
Yeah, we're going for it. We're going to call it heck
54:11
yeah, brother. Shout out to Laura.
54:12
I I, Laura Li looked up because you were the first one to
54:17
suggest on in my DMS that we didn't have to call it with the
54:21
hey and that we couldn't use you suggested heck our heck yes, I
54:26
and I've amended it to my heck yeah brother.
54:29
But you know what? My heck yeah, brother is the
54:31
library. Yeah, I'm going full, full blown
54:35
Arthur the aardvark with it. People who love buying books
54:40
know that feeling of like, it's almost the you scratch the itch
54:45
the second you put you place the order and then when you get the
54:48
book, it's kind of like, OK, well, maybe I'll read this,
54:51
maybe I won't. But it's like the the thing that
54:54
your brain is craving, the like dopamine rush is in acquiring
54:58
the book. And guess what?
55:00
You get that from the library you request, you request the
55:03
book. I'd, I'd go online.
55:05
I request the book that I want and now I get to look forward to
55:08
it in the same way of placing an order for a book.
55:13
Sometimes they're a long wait list, depends on the city that
55:15
you live in. You have to do your research.
55:18
But yeah, going to the like. Also, Libby, for the unaware, is
55:22
an incredible app where you can tie your library card to it and
55:27
check out a number of ebooks, which is really great.
55:31
And audio books, I use that a lot.
55:34
But I've been really trying to do more of going to the physical
55:36
library and requesting books. And yeah, it's like, kind of
55:41
gross. I don't really know where
55:43
they've been. Sure.
55:45
I saw this video of a book of like books and I don't know if
55:48
it was Japan where they have this machine that you put the
55:51
book in and it like blows all of the pages open and then like UV
55:54
lights all of the germs away. And it's like, look, yeah, I
55:57
mean, we're basically like a medieval nation compared to
56:00
that. But also I'm like, do books do
56:05
books have germs or books one of those things 'cause sometimes
56:08
they'll be like, oh, you know, wood is antibacterial or
56:12
something. I feel like it is.
56:15
And so it like some materials are, are, are more prone to like
56:19
holding on to shit. And I don't know about books
56:23
anyway, shout out to the library.
56:25
Love library. Also.
56:26
They have so many different things at the library.
56:28
I, I didn't even know about. You can do all sorts of stuff at
56:31
the library gets you into stuff. They also sometimes they'll have
56:34
like 3D printers you can use and they have like, you know, that's
56:39
kind of the only example that I can think of.
56:41
Oh, I've I've heard people, I have never done it myself, but
56:43
it's like they have like baking equipment that you can check
56:46
out. And so there's more than just
56:50
books. You just kind of have to look
56:51
into your local library and you can support a librarian 'cause
56:55
they're they need it. And that's it for this week's
56:59
What the heck. Thank you for listening.
57:01
Thank you for watching. Be sure to like and subscribe
57:04
and leave a comment, leave a review only if it's nice.
57:07
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57:11
into the what the heck hotline and tell us what's making you
57:14
say what the heck this week. That's it.
57:17
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57:19
Bye. This has been an episode of What
57:22
the Heck with Matt Bellicide. You can call and leave us a
57:25
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57:28
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57:30
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57:34
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57:36
Bellicide is produced by same boat Studios and Bellisai
57:39
Productions. It's hosted by me, Matt
57:42
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57:43
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57:46
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57:48
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57:53
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