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Understanding Men: Why It Matters with Ralph Brewer |305 · Bomb Life

0:00
[SPEAKER_01]: It's important that, yes, you bring comfort stability and everything.
0:03
[SPEAKER_01]: The analogy or the imagery often uses like a front door back door.
0:06
[SPEAKER_01]: We have all this eroticism, sexuality and connectedness in the house.
0:10
[SPEAKER_01]: And then let's get married and have kids.
0:12
[SPEAKER_01]: And that all gets kind of shoved out the back door, because we have to make room for safety, security, stability.
0:17
[SPEAKER_01]: And there goes the eroticism, sexuality and everything else.
0:19
[SPEAKER_01]: It's always the stance of back and forth back and forth to keep it in there.
0:22
[SPEAKER_01]: What most people do is what I've seen is just throughout the eroticism, sexuality and all that stuff out the back door.
0:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Lock the door and forget about it.
0:43
[SPEAKER_02]: Welcome to the Bond Life Podcast where fitness, vines, and real talk collide.
0:47
[SPEAKER_02]: This is it just about workouts.
0:48
[SPEAKER_02]: It's about transforming your body, mind, and life.
0:51
[SPEAKER_02]: Get ready for unfiltered conversations, expert advice, and the motivation you need to level up in every way.
1:11
[SPEAKER_02]: Hey everyone, welcome to the Bomb Life Podcast.
1:14
[SPEAKER_02]: I am Melissa Vogel, you're host.
1:16
[SPEAKER_02]: Welcome to the show, if you are brand new.
1:17
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm so excited that you found me.
1:19
[SPEAKER_02]: And if you're returning, listen, our welcome back, you guys.
1:22
[SPEAKER_02]: It's 2026, holy crap.
1:25
[SPEAKER_02]: Like seriously, say that out loud.
1:27
[SPEAKER_02]: 2,026.
1:28
[SPEAKER_02]: It just seems like a year that we would say as a kid, it'd be like space age and we'd be like flying around in cars.
1:35
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, like 2,026 holy shit.
1:38
[SPEAKER_02]: I hope everyone had a really good new year.
1:39
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm not going to hit you with the whole new year, new you bullshit, or this, what's your new year's resolution?
1:46
[SPEAKER_02]: no, we're not going to talk about that.
1:48
[SPEAKER_02]: We're not going to dive into that and like play that game anymore.
1:52
[SPEAKER_02]: But I am going to talk about and just briefly, real briefly, because we can't get into this episode because it is so good and it all falls into this too.
2:00
[SPEAKER_02]: But I am going to talk about how you don't want to repeat.
2:04
[SPEAKER_02]: things that you said you were going to do and then didn't do.
2:09
[SPEAKER_02]: I don't want this to be another year that you lied to yourself.
2:12
[SPEAKER_02]: And I really want you to think about that.
2:14
[SPEAKER_02]: I did a whole life in my group one year about lying to yourself and how we would never lie to our children or a significant other the way that we lied to ourselves.
2:23
[SPEAKER_02]: I mean, imagine telling your kid, you know, oh, we're going to go to the park.
2:26
[SPEAKER_02]: We're going to go park.
2:27
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay.
2:27
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay.
2:28
[SPEAKER_02]: Oh, not today.
2:29
[SPEAKER_02]: Not today.
2:29
[SPEAKER_02]: Hey, I'm going to get you this.
2:30
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to get you this.
2:32
[SPEAKER_02]: We're going to do this.
2:34
[SPEAKER_02]: Over time, that child or if you kept telling your partner you do something over time, they would never believe you.
2:42
[SPEAKER_02]: I mean, really think about that.
2:44
[SPEAKER_02]: Think about if you just chronically said, we're going to do this and you don't.
2:47
[SPEAKER_02]: We're going to go and then you don't over and over in their life.
2:49
[SPEAKER_02]: She's full of shit and are going to believe you.
2:51
[SPEAKER_02]: That is the same thing that's happening with your body and your mind every time you're like, this is the year that I'm going to get in shape and then you don't.
2:59
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm really going to make
3:02
[SPEAKER_02]: No, I'm going to lose that 10 pounds this year.
3:05
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to come and listen.
3:06
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to book a call with her.
3:07
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to really going to do it.
3:08
[SPEAKER_02]: And then you don't eventually your body and your mind stop believing in each other.
3:13
[SPEAKER_02]: And they start not working together.
3:15
[SPEAKER_02]: And that's a problem.
3:17
[SPEAKER_02]: because we need that relationship to be strong, and I want you to think about it.
3:22
[SPEAKER_02]: Think of it as lying.
3:23
[SPEAKER_02]: How many times do you tell yourself, I'm going to start paying attention to my macros.
3:26
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to hit the gym.
3:27
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to stop putting off my lunch break, and I'm going to stop eating through lunch that taking care of my body.
3:32
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to do that next week next week.
3:33
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to start hydrating more, and then you don't do it.
3:35
[SPEAKER_02]: All those, it's like death by thousand cuts.
3:38
[SPEAKER_02]: Thousands paper cuts all over, and that's what ends up killing you.
3:41
[SPEAKER_02]: That's what's going to happen with all these lies.
3:44
[SPEAKER_02]: and your body's not going to believe you.
3:46
[SPEAKER_02]: And that relationship is so important.
3:49
[SPEAKER_02]: So starting off this being our first episode of 2021, I want you to think about all the things that you have said that you were going to do and then you didn't when it comes to your health and fitness.
4:01
[SPEAKER_02]: What do you really need to start tweaking and fixing?
4:04
[SPEAKER_02]: And are you willing to dedicate
4:06
[SPEAKER_02]: Let's just say one month, one month to creating change, one month to just doing something different and really giving it your all and then see what happens in the second month.
4:16
[SPEAKER_02]: Let's not even do like, oh, my whole new year's resolution for the whole year.
4:20
[SPEAKER_02]: Let's just start with one month at a time.
4:23
[SPEAKER_02]: What do you need to do to become a better version of you, a better partner, a healthier you are stronger you and then think about it.
4:29
[SPEAKER_02]: And remember, you guys, you don't have to do this alone.
4:31
[SPEAKER_02]: You don't.
4:33
[SPEAKER_02]: book a call.
4:34
[SPEAKER_02]: Get on the phone with me.
4:35
[SPEAKER_02]: Let me help you guide you into the right direction and then we'll go from there.
4:38
[SPEAKER_02]: And if you have been listening to me for a while and you know that I do want to on coaching or you know that I have a group program that you get in and be a part of and really start creating change and you keep putting that off.
4:49
[SPEAKER_02]: It's time.
4:50
[SPEAKER_02]: It's time.
4:51
[SPEAKER_02]: Let's create some change together.
4:53
[SPEAKER_02]: This is the year.
4:55
[SPEAKER_02]: of change.
4:56
[SPEAKER_02]: This is the year of letting go what didn't serve you before and truly creating the change that's going to impact you and change you for the rest of your life.
5:04
[SPEAKER_02]: And today's guest just agrees with me even more.
5:07
[SPEAKER_02]: And today's guest is diving into topics that absolutely affected impact your overall health and fitness journey.
5:14
[SPEAKER_02]: 1,000 percent.
5:16
[SPEAKER_02]: We're talking about relationships day, but we're also really focusing on men and masculinity because women, we need to understand this.
5:25
[SPEAKER_02]: We need to have knowledge around this and men, you need to hear this and hear this message and have knowledge and understanding over it.
5:32
[SPEAKER_02]: Today we have Ralph Brewer on.
5:34
[SPEAKER_02]: He is a podcaster, a speaker, he is a coach, he's the founder of help for men and dad starting over.
5:41
[SPEAKER_02]: He's an author, just incredible.
5:43
[SPEAKER_02]: And I really want you to think about
5:45
[SPEAKER_02]: is your relationship failing or men are you failing to lead it?
5:51
[SPEAKER_02]: Ralph Brewer is the best-selling author of the Dead Bedroom Fix and Founder of Help for Men, a global coaching program for men's stuck in relationship limbo from dead bedrooms to divorce.
6:03
[SPEAKER_02]: Ralph helps men stop pleasing start leading and finally fix what's broken from the inside out sound familiar.
6:10
[SPEAKER_02]: His work has changed the
6:12
[SPEAKER_02]: thousands and today he's here to share what men really need to hear.
6:16
[SPEAKER_02]: Ralph, so excited to have you on the show.
6:20
[SPEAKER_02]: You guys, we're talking about masculinity and how it's not toxic.
6:23
[SPEAKER_02]: We're talking about starting over.
6:25
[SPEAKER_02]: There's so many amazing topics that we're hitting today that you guys, you're going to be blown away by.
6:32
[SPEAKER_02]: And, and yeah, sex and dating and divorce and
6:37
[SPEAKER_02]: changes that can be made.
6:39
[SPEAKER_02]: It's all brought up today too.
6:40
[SPEAKER_02]: And this is the perfect time year to hear this message.
6:44
[SPEAKER_02]: That's why I really wanted to get this out in the very beginning of the year.
6:46
[SPEAKER_02]: So you guys can take action.
6:49
[SPEAKER_02]: So this is one of the episodes where you are going to want to listen.
6:52
[SPEAKER_02]: You're going to want to pay attention and then go to the show notes after all right, everyone enjoy the show.
7:03
[SPEAKER_02]: Hey everyone, welcome to the Bob Life podcast.
7:06
[SPEAKER_02]: Today we have Ralph Brewer on welcome to the show, Ralph.
7:10
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you for having me.
7:11
[SPEAKER_01]: I appreciate it.
7:12
[SPEAKER_02]: You have quite the resume.
7:14
[SPEAKER_02]: Podcasts are author, I mean coach, like what are your other titles?
7:20
[SPEAKER_02]: Like what, what do you call yourself when people are like, what do you do, Ralph?
7:23
[SPEAKER_01]: My little elevator speech is I'm an author, speaker, and the founder of Help for Men and the private support community that we call the Help for Men Brotherhood.
7:31
[SPEAKER_02]: I love your elevator pitch.
7:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Very good.
7:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Look and dirty.
7:34
[SPEAKER_02]: This is going to be a good episode.
7:37
[SPEAKER_02]: You guys, I was telling Ralph before we started how many male listeners we have now, and we switched everyone who listens.
7:44
[SPEAKER_02]: No, it's what used to be the bomb.
7:45
[SPEAKER_02]: Mom podcast, now we're the bomb life podcast, because we had so many men tuning in.
7:50
[SPEAKER_02]: because we cover everything and I'm like this really isn't just for moms at all and we cover everything from marriage, sex, relationship, dating, health, nutrition, workouts, mindset, like you name it and that's why we are like the bomb life, how do you live your bomb life?
8:06
[SPEAKER_02]: And guys that are listening, they're tuning in because they want to do better.
8:11
[SPEAKER_02]: They want to be better.
8:12
[SPEAKER_02]: They want to look better.
8:13
[SPEAKER_02]: They want better relationships.
8:15
[SPEAKER_02]: They want to understand women better.
8:17
[SPEAKER_02]: They want to stand themselves better.
8:18
[SPEAKER_02]: And when I got introduced to have you on, I was like reading over your, they gave us like a one sheet on you and everything.
8:23
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm like, oh, yes, yes.
8:26
[SPEAKER_02]: And then I read the title of your book, the dead bedroom fix.
8:30
[SPEAKER_02]: I was like, how fast can we get a month?
8:32
[SPEAKER_00]: No, boy.
8:34
[SPEAKER_02]: and we get it on because you're all about like helping men.
8:37
[SPEAKER_02]: Dad's starting over is like your thing.
8:39
[SPEAKER_02]: Like that is your, I don't know, what would you call it like your social media brand?
8:43
[SPEAKER_01]: It's, but when I started doing everything, this all started with a blog years ago and I just happened to find the domain of dad starting over.com.
8:50
[SPEAKER_01]: And I ran with that and that became my little social media name, blog name, whatever, doing that for years.
8:55
[SPEAKER_01]: And then we started this larger organization called Help for Men a couple of years ago.
8:58
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay.
8:59
[SPEAKER_02]: All right.
9:00
[SPEAKER_02]: I love it.
9:00
[SPEAKER_02]: And I got to say Ralph before I start really asking you about your past because I'm I'm so curious about how you got into this and how this became like your thing like it's quite the story.
9:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Let me tell you.
9:10
[SPEAKER_02]: Oh, I can't wait.
9:11
[SPEAKER_02]: I can't wait.
9:11
[SPEAKER_02]: So I'm realizing how much they're really isn't a whole lot of help for men that men are out there like really struggling and that was one of the things when I saw to have you on it was like, yes.
9:24
[SPEAKER_02]: these conversations right here that I know we're going to dive into today.
9:27
[SPEAKER_02]: This is what many to hear.
9:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, ma'am.
9:30
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's get into it.
9:31
[SPEAKER_02]: It's sad.
9:32
[SPEAKER_02]: It breaks my heart.
9:34
[SPEAKER_02]: But okay, I'm like extremely curious now.
9:36
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, what is your past?
9:38
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, how did Ralph become like the guru of dad starting over?
9:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Prepare yourself.
9:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
9:44
[SPEAKER_01]: So about 14 years ago, picture it.
9:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Here's me.
9:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Slubby bald dad on the beach with my three little kids in my wife.
9:51
[SPEAKER_01]: I had a one and a half year old a boy who just turned six in a girl who just turned nine years of age.
9:55
[SPEAKER_01]: So three little kids.
9:57
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm in Florida.
9:58
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I take a break from everything and I'm in the condo in Florida and I get on the old laptop and I start scrolling and to make a very long and painful story short, I'm skipping a lot of stuff here.
10:08
[SPEAKER_01]: I discovered that my then wife was having an extra marital affair.
10:12
[SPEAKER_01]: And it just, well, I saw enough that many of you see something's going on here.
10:15
[SPEAKER_01]: What is this?
10:16
[SPEAKER_01]: And when I confronted her with it, again, long story short, the answer was, I wanted a divorce.
10:21
[SPEAKER_01]: And literally 60 days after that, we were done.
10:24
[SPEAKER_01]: The Kentucky laws said, all you need to 60 day waiting period in your divorced.
10:28
[SPEAKER_01]: That was it.
10:29
[SPEAKER_01]: That was at 60 days.
10:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And I was done.
10:31
[SPEAKER_01]: I was no longer so I went from here I am on the beach.
10:34
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm this happy, shrubby dad who has everything figured out.
10:38
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm
10:40
[SPEAKER_01]: Actually, that day, everything's ended that day and so, but 60 days later, legally, I wasn't no longer a husband.
10:47
[SPEAKER_01]: So that made me question everything, my identity, who am I?
10:50
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, when you lose your job, so to speak, of husband and now I'm a part-time father, although I ended up with the kids most of the time, it just called and questioned everything in life.
10:59
[SPEAKER_01]: How did I get here?
11:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, it caused me to get to this point in my life, because I had something to do with this.
11:03
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not some, you know, perfect innocent angel in all this.
11:05
[SPEAKER_01]: I at the very least, there's something to be learned for why I picked a person like this and endured so much
11:10
[SPEAKER_01]: And I started blogging on the matter.
11:12
[SPEAKER_01]: I started writing and I did that for years.
11:15
[SPEAKER_01]: And it wasn't until I spoke about or wrote about sex and marriage.
11:18
[SPEAKER_01]: My thoughts on sex and marriage and my experiences after the divorce and dating and finding new girlfriend, that got a lot of attention from guys.
11:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Because sex is like the number one topic, sex sells.
11:29
[SPEAKER_01]: So anytime you write about that, you get attention.
11:31
[SPEAKER_01]: And that brought a lot of guys to my world.
11:33
[SPEAKER_01]: So much so that somebody suggested a write a book on the subject.
11:36
[SPEAKER_01]: So I did and that actually took off and it was called the dead bedroom fix.
11:39
[SPEAKER_01]: You mentioned it.
11:40
[SPEAKER_01]: That's my first book first of five and by far my most popular one had of all the ones of Wow separate and so that got hundreds of thousands of people to read my stuff men.
11:49
[SPEAKER_01]: It's a book for men and that allowed me to then break out and start doing.
11:53
[SPEAKER_01]: content online videos created the organization for men we have a community for men men helping other men going through divorce the dead bedroom things starting over after divorce guys who just have relationship trouble period and it's I've been very blessed to do what I do.
12:06
[SPEAKER_01]: I love it.
12:07
[SPEAKER_02]: I have so many questions.
12:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh yes.
12:09
[SPEAKER_01]: How long were you married for?
12:11
[SPEAKER_01]: Going on 15 years was just short of 15 years.
12:15
[SPEAKER_02]: Oh, so you guys were married for a while before you had kids.
12:17
[SPEAKER_02]: Cause didn't you say your oldest was nine.
12:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah, but it was like eight years or something like that.
12:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
12:23
[SPEAKER_02]: And that makes me pause because a lot of people, I know.
12:25
[SPEAKER_01]: That's not true.
12:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Six years, six years we were married to kid.
12:28
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I'm trying to do the math in my head.
12:29
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not my math.
12:30
[SPEAKER_01]: My brain shouldn't work.
12:31
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I know.
12:32
[SPEAKER_01]: Then after years pass, you're like, I'm like, wait, that's not right.
12:35
[SPEAKER_02]: It doesn't matter.
12:35
[SPEAKER_02]: You didn't get married and then have babies or what's I know we wait a little bit.
12:38
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
12:38
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
12:39
[SPEAKER_02]: And usually like when I hear stories like this and you go back, they were either pregnant and they got married or got married and pregnant right away.
12:47
[SPEAKER_02]: And there was you know and whatever that leads to other things and didn't have that alone time.
12:51
[SPEAKER_02]: So that surprises me.
12:53
[SPEAKER_02]: What I'm curious and I'm trying to play like Devils advocate and like think of like the list.
12:56
[SPEAKER_02]: Please.
12:57
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
12:57
[SPEAKER_02]: So what made you start looking?
13:00
[SPEAKER_02]: How did you even go down the rabbit hole?
13:02
[SPEAKER_01]: What made you think?
13:03
[SPEAKER_01]: I would love to say that there was something that made me investigate.
13:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Total happenstance.
13:07
[SPEAKER_01]: She left herself logged into Facebook.
13:10
[SPEAKER_02]: No shit.
13:11
[SPEAKER_01]: And then there was a little indicator of there's a message to the Facebook.
13:14
[SPEAKER_01]: And I clicked, I'm like, oh, I'm in my wife's Facebook.
13:16
[SPEAKER_01]: And there was the conversation.
13:18
[SPEAKER_02]: No.
13:20
[SPEAKER_02]: OK.
13:22
[SPEAKER_02]: this happens a lot.
13:23
[SPEAKER_02]: This happens very off both both ways.
13:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Both.
13:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely.
13:27
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
13:27
[SPEAKER_02]: And I find it interesting.
13:29
[SPEAKER_02]: I just love hearing the males perspective when this happens because I know a lot of men who were in this position.
13:36
[SPEAKER_02]: They were in a relationship had kids.
13:39
[SPEAKER_02]: They thought things were great and literally kind of got blindsided looking back.
13:44
[SPEAKER_02]: Were there signs of this that you felt like you missed in your like, this makes sense now?
13:50
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
13:51
[SPEAKER_01]: My relationship was very much illustrative of a lot of the guys that I talked to.
13:56
[SPEAKER_01]: It's funny by my material that I put out there, I tracked a certain type of individual tumor.
14:00
[SPEAKER_01]: And when you know it, they're just like me.
14:02
[SPEAKER_01]: And there's marriages, I'm like, well, that sounds familiar.
14:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And I've heard it, you know, literally hundreds of times in one of one talks with guys.
14:08
[SPEAKER_01]: And how I categorized it is, my ex was what you call a very avoidant person.
14:12
[SPEAKER_01]: And there's this
14:14
[SPEAKER_01]: What's called attachment theory in psychology?
14:16
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not a psychologist, but you based upon how we were raised as kids and our attachment to our parents determines how we attach to our romantic partners.
14:22
[SPEAKER_01]: And so most avoidance are men.
14:25
[SPEAKER_01]: So most avoidance are the guys who are saying like, no honey, I don't want to have long drawn out talks just leave me alone.
14:30
[SPEAKER_01]: Let me do my thing.
14:31
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to go escape to the garage.
14:32
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to go escape, you know, go fishing, leave me alone.
14:35
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm my value.
14:36
[SPEAKER_01]: My independence over everything else.
14:37
[SPEAKER_01]: That's typically a dude when it comes to avoidance and attachment.
14:40
[SPEAKER_01]: but a lot of us are married to women like that.
14:43
[SPEAKER_01]: And conversely, a lot of us are very anxious in our attachment.
14:46
[SPEAKER_01]: We're very much we're preoccupied with the relationship and the health of the relationships.
14:51
[SPEAKER_01]: So where are the type of guys that are like looking at a wife's going, you look upset with wrong.
14:55
[SPEAKER_01]: And she said, I'm not just, you know, leave me a little.
14:57
[SPEAKER_01]: It's enough.
14:57
[SPEAKER_01]: Please stop always asking what's wrong.
14:59
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just I'm just sitting here.
15:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, you said this the other day, what did you mean by that?
15:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I didn't mean anything by that.
15:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, you texted me funny the other day.
15:05
[SPEAKER_01]: That guy's very anxious about the relationship.
15:07
[SPEAKER_01]: And he wants a lot of reassurance.
15:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, please tell me that everything's okay again and again.
15:11
[SPEAKER_01]: That was me.
15:12
[SPEAKER_01]: And that seems to be the category probably like 90% of our membership on our group, our anxious guys that are coming out of or still in relationships with avoidant women.
15:20
[SPEAKER_01]: And that was me.
15:21
[SPEAKER_01]: And in hindsight, you know, hindsight's 2020.
15:23
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm looking back in the relationship.
15:24
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, the signs were there literally from day one.
15:27
[SPEAKER_01]: By the way, none of this makes for a bad person.
15:29
[SPEAKER_01]: That's how she's wired.
15:31
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's how I was wired.
15:32
[SPEAKER_01]: We both had stuff to work on to become what's called more secure.
15:35
[SPEAKER_01]: And it always surprises people that are men and women both that are in relationships with avoiding people.
15:41
[SPEAKER_01]: It seems that an affair would be completely at a left field, like why are they hungry for some kind of attention and affection outside of the relationship if they are avoided into nature and how it's explained is that people that are avoidant become very distant when things get real when things get secure and safe and quote boring.
15:59
[SPEAKER_01]: They need that initial excitement that honeymoon stage of the relationship to keep them going and when that's gone they're just done.
16:04
[SPEAKER_01]: They just shut down.
16:05
[SPEAKER_01]: which is explains in some circumstances that we have some guys that are like, all women just shut down sexuality as soon as they say I do.
16:12
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, no, some avoidant women once things get safe and secure or just like, I just don't feel much anymore.
16:17
[SPEAKER_01]: I just don't feel the warmth of the spark anymore.
16:19
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's why it takes work for a lot of people to keep that spark going and keep the sexuality alive and a long-term monogamous relationship.
16:26
[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't have any of these tools going through this relationship, so it just deteriorated.
16:29
[SPEAKER_01]: And then you have natural resup messages get tired of each other.
16:32
[SPEAKER_01]: She mess up, I mess up, do whatever, and we're not perfect.
16:35
[SPEAKER_01]: And then it just built and built into this perfect storm.
16:38
[SPEAKER_01]: And as an aside, she is very into fitness, much like yourself.
16:42
[SPEAKER_01]: And she started to get into, it's not crossfit, but there's a lot of gym, garage, style, gyms, you know, where you do with like stations.
16:48
[SPEAKER_01]: And she got into that world.
16:50
[SPEAKER_01]: And that opened her up to a whole new social group, and a whole new world view and everything else.
16:54
[SPEAKER_01]: And I wasn't part of that.
16:56
[SPEAKER_01]: And so she very much started growing and becoming even more independent as an avoiding person that's not necessarily the greatest thing for a relationship.
17:03
[SPEAKER_01]: And she drifted and started, you know, life 2.0 for her.
17:06
[SPEAKER_01]: And unfortunately, I wasn't part of it.
17:08
[SPEAKER_02]: Interesting.
17:09
[SPEAKER_02]: You said something you were talking about like, you know, we both had a lot of work to do.
17:13
[SPEAKER_02]: And that it just reminded me of like.
17:15
[SPEAKER_02]: how many people get married and because, you know, you didn't have these tools then, you know, when I started my journey and back when I was married and stuff like I didn't have the tools and knowledge of like what I'm doing now and that's why again I'm so glad that you and I are having this conversation because this will help people now like you have resources and tools and you can listen to this episode that we're taking away excuses you are giving you things you can hear it now and then prevent a divorce, you know, and prevent things going downhill, but I find it so interesting how many people are just broken.
17:44
[SPEAKER_02]: When they first meet and then they get married and then they're seeking that same thing that they got from their parents, you know, relationship and it like just keeps going and for my kids I just I do not want that to happen.
17:57
[SPEAKER_02]: I want them to be happy and whole and complete and know that before they find their partners so they're not going into relationship broken and they're broken and they come together and they make this broken relationship and then I think it's just going to be great after you have kids and.
18:11
[SPEAKER_02]: Oh my god, I'm sweating.
18:13
[SPEAKER_01]: You're speaking my language sister.
18:14
[SPEAKER_01]: I say this stuff all the time.
18:16
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, there's there are some trends in marriage and in the old baby making rate, both are going down.
18:21
[SPEAKER_01]: So people aren't getting married and making babies nearly as much.
18:24
[SPEAKER_01]: And there are a lot of people, especially when we're conservative people who say like this is the next fall of Rome, we need people to be making more babies.
18:29
[SPEAKER_01]: We need them.
18:30
[SPEAKER_01]: married life is the foundation of our society.
18:32
[SPEAKER_01]: And people like me and therapists and psychologists again, I'm not one of those.
18:36
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm just a guy who talks to a lot of men one on one.
18:38
[SPEAKER_01]: We will all say the same thing.
18:39
[SPEAKER_01]: That's actually kind of a good thing because what we're doing is we're saying a lot of people that should have never been married in the first place are saying, I'm out.
18:46
[SPEAKER_01]: And you know what?
18:47
[SPEAKER_01]: That's fine.
18:48
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not for everybody.
18:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Long term anagamy is what we're talking about.
18:51
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just you and I and that's it forever and ever.
18:53
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not for everyone.
18:53
[SPEAKER_01]: And a lot of people try to shoe horn themselves into that world and try to make it work because hey, it's just what you do.
18:59
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just what my mom and dad did.
19:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, sure.
19:01
[SPEAKER_01]: That was broken.
19:02
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's what grandma and grandpa did.
19:03
[SPEAKER_01]: And oh, yeah, that was broken, too.
19:04
[SPEAKER_01]: But it's just what you do.
19:05
[SPEAKER_01]: What else you're going to do?
19:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Stay single forever.
19:06
[SPEAKER_01]: No.
19:07
[SPEAKER_01]: So you get married to have kids and then all hell breaks loose.
19:09
[SPEAKER_01]: And you're like, man, just like what you pointed out.
19:12
[SPEAKER_01]: Just like what mom and dad did.
19:13
[SPEAKER_01]: And so what you're talking about is what I tell a lot of guys wouldn't be nice if one of us said, time out.
19:17
[SPEAKER_01]: We don't need to keep doing this dysfunction train, you know?
19:20
[SPEAKER_01]: But let's just hop off the train and figure stuff out before we bring other humans into our life.
19:25
[SPEAKER_01]: What a novel concept that is because it's not fair to them.
19:28
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not fair to you.
19:29
[SPEAKER_01]: And at the time when I was, I met my ex-wife when I was in high school.
19:32
[SPEAKER_01]: So I mean, what do I know?
19:33
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, 17 years of age is when we met.
19:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, man.
19:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
19:37
[SPEAKER_01]: So what do I know back then?
19:38
[SPEAKER_01]: It's probably at that time that I wish I had a, I did have a father, but he wasn't wired and a way to pull me aside and go, son, so let's, you know, there are some things going on here that I see, blah, blah, this was your first real long-term girlfriend, it doesn't necessarily need to be forever and ever.
19:53
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's okay to date around and get to know other people that doesn't make you a bad person.
19:57
[SPEAKER_01]: It just, you know, that's how you grow and how you become a better relationship partner.
20:01
[SPEAKER_01]: So don't just throw all your eggs into this one basket.
20:03
[SPEAKER_01]: I see some dysfunction already son and just as a warning.
20:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Now with that, I'm saying that out loud now that I'm saying and like what son would listen to that from this father, especially when you're madly in love with a girl and a shaker's real girlfriend and everything else, but that's what we all kind of wish we had way back then.
20:17
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, and it's funny you say that because I have a daughter.
20:20
[SPEAKER_02]: She's her second year of college and she's with the same boyfriend that she was with her junior high school.
20:28
[SPEAKER_02]: So even there were three or four years or something like that.
20:30
[SPEAKER_02]: They were 16 17 whatever.
20:32
[SPEAKER_02]: And I just said something like that the other day.
20:34
[SPEAKER_02]: And I was like, because I had a boyfriend in high school.
20:37
[SPEAKER_02]: My junior and senior year, and then into college.
20:39
[SPEAKER_02]: And then I realized my attention was going to like, someone else.
20:43
[SPEAKER_02]: And I'm like, oh, man, why isn't my feelings towards my boyfriend enough to keep me on this path?
20:48
[SPEAKER_02]: And be like, no, I'm not interested in that.
20:49
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, open my eyes.
20:50
[SPEAKER_02]: And I was like, why am I interested in someone else?
20:53
[SPEAKER_02]: What's happening here?
20:53
[SPEAKER_02]: And I ended that relationship.
20:55
[SPEAKER_02]: And I was trying to tell her about that.
20:56
[SPEAKER_02]: And I'm
20:56
[SPEAKER_02]: like I ended it because it wasn't fair to him, you know, and I just, I needed to open my eyes.
21:02
[SPEAKER_02]: I needed to date.
21:03
[SPEAKER_02]: I needed to date around.
21:04
[SPEAKER_02]: I told her just yesterday I'm like, hey, you know, it's okay.
21:07
[SPEAKER_02]: To like, are you, I mean, are you really going to be with someone?
21:09
[SPEAKER_02]: You don't even know what you like.
21:10
[SPEAKER_02]: And when you don't like again, you know, I got the I roll and I don't know if anyone's going to listen to me, but exactly exactly.
21:16
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, we need to hear that like, and it's okay.
21:18
[SPEAKER_02]: It's okay, and being someone who's divorced, I was married for 17 years, and I was the one that ended the relationship, and then get thrown back in the dating world.
21:28
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, it's like, oh my God.
21:31
[SPEAKER_02]: And then you realize I was with him so young and got pregnant.
21:35
[SPEAKER_02]: I don't even know what I like.
21:36
[SPEAKER_02]: And I feel like I had to start that all over again and I'm like, let's learn what I like.
21:40
[SPEAKER_02]: Let's learn what I don't like.
21:42
[SPEAKER_02]: You know what?
21:44
[SPEAKER_02]: What is masculinity?
21:45
[SPEAKER_02]: And in the meantime, which we can dive into this, I was real.
21:49
[SPEAKER_02]: I was becoming more more independent.
21:52
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, because I had to get my own home and do all this stuff now.
21:55
[SPEAKER_02]: And some ways I'm mom and dad.
21:57
[SPEAKER_02]: And it just made me stronger and more independent, more of like a
22:02
[SPEAKER_02]: And then when I get in your relationship, what do you mean?
22:04
[SPEAKER_02]: Let you lead.
22:06
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I'll try guard down a little bit.
22:08
[SPEAKER_02]: I didn't know how to fall into my feminine.
22:10
[SPEAKER_02]: I didn't trust anyone or I didn't have good partners in the beginning to be like, oh, I can trust your masculinity to keep me safe and protect and do all the things.
22:20
[SPEAKER_02]: And that was a really big struggle for me.
22:22
[SPEAKER_01]: You've just hit on something that we hear all the time from the women that are married to the guys in our group.
22:27
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't really feel safe to be open with you.
22:30
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't really feel safe to be maybe sexual with you or something like that.
22:33
[SPEAKER_01]: And a lot of men internalize that as does she mean I'm going to physically hurt her.
22:37
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like what you're saying is you have a past of showing her if she shows any kind of negativity towards you.
22:42
[SPEAKER_01]: If she got for a bit says, you know, I'm not feeling it tonight.
22:45
[SPEAKER_01]: No, thank you, honey.
22:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Like you really internalize that and you really take it hard.
22:48
[SPEAKER_01]: And it just ruins the next so many weeks.
22:50
[SPEAKER_01]: And she has this pouting stomping man going around the house and he's pissed off.
22:53
[SPEAKER_01]: and she doesn't like that, and so you have multiply that by 500 times, and she has learned, I can't be safe with my emotions and my very human, whatever it may be, fluctuations in my emotion and my feelings with this guy.
23:06
[SPEAKER_01]: He takes it to personally.
23:07
[SPEAKER_01]: He flies off the handle, some guys, you know, with their anger, they fly off the handle.
23:10
[SPEAKER_01]: Some guys really hold in all those feelings, and then weeks or months later it blows up.
23:15
[SPEAKER_01]: And sometimes it blows up an anger, sometimes
23:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Hyper anxiety, some men get we be in shaky when they finally talk and the wife's like, what the hell is this?
23:23
[SPEAKER_01]: And what she doesn't realize that's months worth of holding it in.
23:26
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
23:27
[SPEAKER_01]: And so when she sees it, she's like, okay, I can't trust this guy with anything.
23:30
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't feel safer on him.
23:32
[SPEAKER_01]: I can't be in my to use the term terminology.
23:34
[SPEAKER_01]: More feminine around you.
23:36
[SPEAKER_01]: I have to put on my masculine suit and that's why all these guys, not all up.
23:40
[SPEAKER_01]: But it's why some of these guys are married to women that they say, it's like one of the guys.
23:43
[SPEAKER_01]: There's no polarity there.
23:44
[SPEAKER_02]: And then women are expected to be like this sex kitten and bed and like, oh, yes, Dominique, you know, but they don't feel safe.
23:53
[SPEAKER_01]: They don't feel, you're not, you're not going to get that head space with a guy like that.
23:58
[SPEAKER_01]: It takes a certain, and this is what a lot of women.
24:00
[SPEAKER_01]: It's so funny that you talk about back in the dating realm.
24:03
[SPEAKER_01]: There's a lot of stigma online against women who go out in the dating market and rediscover their sexuality.
24:09
[SPEAKER_01]: And so they've been like this whole hum whatever marriage, and then they get divorced.
24:13
[SPEAKER_01]: And the now ex husband is watching this woman lose all this weight, dress more feminine, and she seems to be much more sexualized than what she used to be.
24:22
[SPEAKER_01]: And he's like, where the hell was this woman all along?
24:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
24:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, for a lot of people, there's two things that play here.
24:27
[SPEAKER_01]: One is when she was in the confines of the relationship that felt very stifled, she would feel safe to let it out.
24:32
[SPEAKER_01]: That's one aspect of it.
24:33
[SPEAKER_01]: But another aspect is we, as human beings, when we're on the market, we kind of naturally know what to do to become the most attractive version of ourselves.
24:40
[SPEAKER_01]: We don't think about it, you know, consciously, but we know it almost happens automatically.
24:44
[SPEAKER_01]: We lose the way we look younger.
24:46
[SPEAKER_01]: We amend do the same thing, by the way.
24:48
[SPEAKER_01]: He sells the sensible little car and he gets himself a sports car or the Jeep or the truck.
24:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Something look more masculine.
24:54
[SPEAKER_01]: He gets the tattoo finally.
24:55
[SPEAKER_01]: He starts going to the gym.
24:57
[SPEAKER_01]: He gets on the testosterone.
24:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Women say the same thing.
24:59
[SPEAKER_01]: Where was this guy when I was married?
25:01
[SPEAKER_01]: So the key seems to be don't drop all of that quote shallow stuff that you did when you were in the must find a made mode.
25:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, it's important that yes, you bring comfort stability and everything the analogy or the imagery often uses like a front door back door we have all this eroticism sexuality and connectedness in the house and then let's get married and have kids and that all gets kind of shoved out the back door because we have to make room for safety security stability and there goes the eroticism sexuality and everything else it's always the stance of back and forth back and forth to keep it in there what most people do is what I've seen is just throughout the eroticism sexuality and all that stuff out the back door lock the door and forget about it.
25:39
[SPEAKER_01]: And then the men are left going like, what the hell just happened?
25:42
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, this woman, she and I not to get to class.
25:44
[SPEAKER_01]: You used to do it three times a day when we were first dating.
25:47
[SPEAKER_01]: And now it's you guys keep track by the way.
25:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Now we're on average once maybe twice a month if I'm lucky.
25:53
[SPEAKER_01]: By the way, some guys here in that go lucky bastard try once every six months or once a year or whatever.
25:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe every year has to go by.
25:59
[SPEAKER_01]: It's very tricky for a lot of people to maintain that energy once in the confines of the marriage.
26:04
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, there are books written on this.
26:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Esther Perrell, meeting in captivity is a big one.
26:08
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a big, if you haven't read that one yet.
26:10
[SPEAKER_01]: I haven't.
26:11
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a really big one.
26:12
[SPEAKER_01]: P.E.R.E.L.s her last name, Perrell, Esther Perrell.
26:16
[SPEAKER_01]: And she sold bazillions of copies of that book.
26:18
[SPEAKER_01]: But that is all about that dynamic.
26:20
[SPEAKER_01]: back and forth and trying to maintain that.
26:22
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not easy.
26:24
[SPEAKER_02]: I want to go back for a split second because I know there's a lot of guys listening that can relate to when we were talking about when you mentioned getting turned down, you know, for sex at night and then they carry that and it like it hurts their feelings and they take a personal and then it builds up and then they
26:40
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, it could come out two weeks later, they have no idea, even started before, you know, why do you think that is like really help me understand that?
26:48
[SPEAKER_02]: So men can understand that of why they take that so personal and why it affects them so much.
26:53
[SPEAKER_02]: Why it's such a rejection for them when she's like, no, whatever reason that is.
27:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, let's let's dissect this a different way.
27:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's look at it from a different angle, which is the men that aren't so affected by that.
27:07
[SPEAKER_01]: what is it about them that makes them more secure in the relationships, so that being turned down on a Wednesday doesn't make him you know, cloudy for the next three weeks.
27:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Love it.
27:17
[SPEAKER_01]: He has an innate sense of security with himself.
27:19
[SPEAKER_01]: He knows who he is.
27:20
[SPEAKER_01]: He's secure with the relationship.
27:22
[SPEAKER_01]: He knows that his wife can be gone for so many hours or days, whatever, and they're fine.
27:26
[SPEAKER_01]: He knows that wife can say my stomach hurts.
27:28
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not feeling it, and they're fine.
27:29
[SPEAKER_01]: If you're insecure and you have an innate sense of scarcity in the relationship, meaning this is probably as good as I can ever get.
27:35
[SPEAKER_01]: She and I, and I have to make this work or otherwise I'm going to be alone forever.
27:39
[SPEAKER_01]: And I don't like myself very much.
27:40
[SPEAKER_01]: and much of my value comes from this relationship.
27:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Every time she says no deer, I don't think so deer.
27:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Every time she refuses a hug or a kiss, whatever.
27:48
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just like chipping away at that statue or Fiji that he's built in his mind for this relationship.
27:54
[SPEAKER_01]: And so the ultimate, I mean, combine that with,
27:57
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, men tend to, on average, have a higher libido than women do.
28:01
[SPEAKER_01]: So we have a very intense need if you will quote unquote for that.
28:04
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, all you have to look at is pornography and sex workers and everything else.
28:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Like the evidence is there.
28:08
[SPEAKER_01]: So he has that going on always as kind of this burning feeling under the surface.
28:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that's right.
28:15
[SPEAKER_01]: And then combined with the need for the affection, the need for the for some and stronger than others, the need for validation, the need for assurance and it's just this perfect storm of need, if you will.
28:25
[SPEAKER_01]: And so when she terms it now once it hurts twice three times fae just gets to be too much and he serves question everything that's not very it's not good and it points to insecurity now a lot of guys
28:35
[SPEAKER_01]: push back when I get into the little spiel about that, but here's why I'm insecure.
28:39
[SPEAKER_01]: She's giving me a lot of evidence to show that this marriage and this relationship's unshaky ground.
28:44
[SPEAKER_01]: She could leave it any moment.
28:45
[SPEAKER_01]: We've had fights.
28:46
[SPEAKER_01]: She's thrown out the divorce word.
28:47
[SPEAKER_01]: I caught her texting some other man or whatever, maybe sure.
28:51
[SPEAKER_01]: But with all that being said, a guy who's very secure with himself and who he is says, she doesn't want to be in this relationship.
28:56
[SPEAKER_01]: I can't force her.
28:57
[SPEAKER_01]: If she wants to be gone and go live another life with another man, she's texting whatever.
29:00
[SPEAKER_01]: That sucks, but you know what?
29:02
[SPEAKER_01]: I'll be fine in the end.
29:03
[SPEAKER_01]: A lot of guys don't feel that at all, period and a lot of it, like recently goes back to the old childhood issues, a lot of them probably didn't bury in secure little boys and they brought that into adulthood and that affects everything.
29:15
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29:17
[SPEAKER_02]: Are you the kind of person who crushes it at work?
29:19
[SPEAKER_02]: Shows up for your family, checks out every to-do list.
29:22
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29:25
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29:26
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29:29
[SPEAKER_02]: I mean, you are listening to this one.
29:30
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29:36
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29:38
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29:43
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29:50
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30:02
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30:07
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30:09
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30:10
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30:11
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30:12
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30:13
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30:16
[SPEAKER_02]: Let's build the strongest, most competent version of you inside and out.
30:20
[SPEAKER_02]: You're ready for more, and I'm ready to show you how, back to the show.
30:24
[SPEAKER_02]: I see that all the time in my clients in males and females, all the time and we work through it and it's so funny because like, I, yes, I'm in health and fitness and wellness and everything, but I'm like, you don't realize how much your sex and relationship and marriage and everything affects that journey to like I bring those connecting points together.
30:43
[SPEAKER_02]: That's what I do because people are like, oh, just having with eat.
30:46
[SPEAKER_02]: No, we're going to talk about my workouts today, everything and I'm like, hey, how scared the little Jeff today.
30:52
[SPEAKER_02]: Let's talk about New Year's little Jeff.
30:53
[SPEAKER_02]: When did you start believing that?
30:55
[SPEAKER_02]: Because that's what's going to impact you and how much you bench tomorrow, or if you even show up for that chest in back workout.
31:01
[SPEAKER_02]: Or if you really do the sit ups and push ups every night that I'm telling you to do.
31:04
[SPEAKER_02]: Thank you.
31:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And then also, we see some guys that swing the pendulum all the way over here to, like, as you can say, hyper-masculinity, taking a lot of steroids, putting it on 75 pounds of muscle, veins, bulge, and everywhere.
31:15
[SPEAKER_01]: The guy looks like he's about to stroke at any point, and we all know this guy's the gym.
31:18
[SPEAKER_01]: You show me a gym full of those guys and I'll show you a gym full of guys with daddy issues.
31:22
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, they're over compensating for something.
31:25
[SPEAKER_01]: The lack of a father trying to impress the world and boy, those guys get pissed off from the rest of the world's is you.
31:30
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know, that's a little much dude.
31:32
[SPEAKER_01]: I like muscle on a guy, but not that much.
31:33
[SPEAKER_01]: You want to see some guys blow up on my goodness.
31:35
[SPEAKER_01]: So we see some of the similar with a lot of women losing too much weight and getting too thin.
31:41
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm looking to maceyate it and you're like, oh no, mentalness, sort of like that.
31:45
[SPEAKER_01]: We like women that have some shape to them.
31:46
[SPEAKER_01]: They also get I rate.
31:47
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's just two sides of the same coin there.
31:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Just security at baseline.
31:51
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, like more all the stories like do the work, do the work on yourself, you know what by that we mean up here exactly in your head do the work and get healthy and whether you're in a relationship or out of a relationship, but man in the dating world and I think it was just because I'm in fitness and health and stuff and when I was on a dating app, you know, I attract a lot of that men and I'm not going to blame my energy, I'm not going to say it's because my energy, but just like that.
32:17
[SPEAKER_02]: Man, you know, and they, you write, there is such an overcompensation for it and that they, because I wanted to dive into like masculinity and femininity with you.
32:27
[SPEAKER_02]: And that masculinity was almost, it's scary because it was too hard.
32:33
[SPEAKER_02]: It was too much.
32:34
[SPEAKER_02]: There was, there wasn't like enough understanding and there wasn't enough softness there to make me feel safe.
32:40
[SPEAKER_02]: It actually scared me.
32:41
[SPEAKER_01]: It's what I call am I writing performative in nature.
32:44
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
32:45
[SPEAKER_01]: When you dig past the performance, which doesn't take much, because it's really shallow.
32:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
32:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Underneath is what?
32:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Scared little boy, insecure man, hence why he's all rated out and everything else.
32:55
[SPEAKER_01]: That kind of performance always is a turn off.
32:59
[SPEAKER_01]: And women are pretty good at seeing through that pretty quick, which is there was this whole underworld that came out like in the 80s and 90s called Pickup Artist.
33:05
[SPEAKER_01]: So are you familiar with this?
33:07
[SPEAKER_01]: So these are guys that basically nerds who had a very difficult time and interpersonal relationships and getting girls.
33:13
[SPEAKER_01]: So they sat back and watched the guys who did get girls.
33:16
[SPEAKER_01]: And they're like, let's take pointers from these guys plus some science, some evolutionary psychology and some other things.
33:21
[SPEAKER_01]: And we will say and do things to get laid basically.
33:25
[SPEAKER_01]: And when you converse with some of these guys or watch some of their videos online and stuff, it is the most cringe-worthy because it's performative.
33:33
[SPEAKER_01]: And what you see is that baseline, a very insecure man saying and doing things, but in their defense, it works, they do get late more, but then when you look at who it is that they attract it's a lot of broken women to them who don't know any better who reacting to very insecure guy things and this they don't understand the performance, but if you're running to a secure woman and you come up with this performance, so to speak, they see through it about two seconds and there's like this, what is this?
33:57
[SPEAKER_02]: No, and then they get very mad when you tell them no, very mad.
34:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Rejection sensitivity, which, by the way, there's a whole other angle of this we haven't talked about.
34:07
[SPEAKER_01]: There's a lot of men attracted to my material who are what we call neurodivergent, which means ADHD, autism, spectrum, and so forth.
34:15
[SPEAKER_01]: They are especially rejection sensitive.
34:18
[SPEAKER_01]: They fall in love very, very fast.
34:20
[SPEAKER_01]: They hang on no matter what.
34:21
[SPEAKER_01]: And when they eventually get dumped, they take it very, very hard.
34:24
[SPEAKER_01]: So the lot of guys, if you're a lot of women listening to this and you're like, yeah, my husband's ADHD, this makes sense.
34:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, he experiences it a little bit harder than what a royalist does.
34:32
[SPEAKER_01]: And I love it, actually.
34:34
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, interesting.
34:35
[SPEAKER_02]: I guess I wouldn't even have thought of that, that that was like an attraction point for you, too.
34:39
[SPEAKER_02]: And that, that's not a good thing.
34:40
[SPEAKER_01]: Because they'll have relationship problems.
34:42
[SPEAKER_01]: And I, I attract men with relationship problems.
34:44
[SPEAKER_01]: And I started noticing like, the majority of guys are like, yeah, I was diagnosed ADHD when I was a kid.
34:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I have a kid who's on the autism spectrum, which is usually pretty indicative of somebody in their media family, also is on this neurodivergent.
34:56
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, we hear that all the time.
34:58
[SPEAKER_02]: Hmm.
34:58
[SPEAKER_02]: I want to keep talking about this masculinity because like one of your things you're very strong about is like it's not toxic and I want to make sure we understand our listeners understand like the good part of it and how it's so necessary and how being passive is the problem.
35:15
[SPEAKER_02]: not being masculine because for me personally like, just as a woman in saying this, it is so sexy and so masculine that if I'm having a hard day and I'm whiny and just, you know, this part of my cycle where it's like, it's common.
35:33
[SPEAKER_02]: Don't mess with me.
35:34
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm like, emotional and irrational.
35:35
[SPEAKER_02]: You just need to deal with me and you can just
35:37
[SPEAKER_02]: understand that and you don't take it personal and your understanding and your compassionate to me, that is so masculine.
35:46
[SPEAKER_02]: That is so just like, oh, you just like, help me for those couple days while I just needed it.
35:51
[SPEAKER_02]: Now, back to normal.
35:52
[SPEAKER_02]: Thank you for dealing with me, but I've been with men that like, they can't handle that and they take it personal and like, what's wrong with you and like, why are you treating me like this?
36:00
[SPEAKER_02]: And I'm saying right now, I'm sorry.
36:02
[SPEAKER_01]: When the ground is shaky under your feet, you need to know that there's somebody preferably.
36:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Dare we say a paternal figure almost, you don't want to go down that route.
36:12
[SPEAKER_01]: You're not looking for daddy necessarily, but you're looking for those going to use the term masculine manly energy as the strong oak of a person that when everything is kind of shaky under my feet, I have somebody or someone to turn to to say, is everything cool?
36:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Are we good?
36:27
[SPEAKER_01]: And even if this affects me in a way that I get snippy, I get a little bit she- I get a little whatever, you're still going to be cool and centered, right?
36:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
36:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, here's the thing.
36:34
[SPEAKER_01]: A lot of men have taken on that message, but it can go too far.
36:38
[SPEAKER_01]: It can get to the point of being abusive, where I'm the strong, local of the man, even though my wife threw a plate at me the other day.
36:44
[SPEAKER_01]: Even though she stabbed me here, that may have had guys be like, see the scar here?
36:47
[SPEAKER_01]: That's where my wife stabbed me with a fork.
36:48
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, dude, that's not good.
36:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, she's in some interlicks.
36:51
[SPEAKER_01]: She's Latino.
36:52
[SPEAKER_01]: You don't understand.
36:54
[SPEAKER_01]: that's not a positive thing.
36:57
[SPEAKER_01]: So there's always this little delicate balancing game.
36:59
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
37:00
[SPEAKER_01]: That paternal angle, let's explore that a little bit.
37:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Because there is a lot of and it's not necessarily a bad thing.
37:06
[SPEAKER_01]: The thought process is out there, how else to say this?
37:09
[SPEAKER_01]: A cultural narrative of egalitarianism above all else.
37:12
[SPEAKER_01]: Meaning, many women, there's no difference between us.
37:14
[SPEAKER_01]: That's just how it is.
37:15
[SPEAKER_01]: And so when you start going down the road of what's masculinity and why it's positive, a lot of people go, er, time out and I don't like that talk because that's saying like, what, men up here, women down here, no, it's saying difference.
37:26
[SPEAKER_01]: We bring our positives and negatives to the table and everything else.
37:30
[SPEAKER_01]: There's a polarity there.
37:31
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm sorry if it kind of offends people with that polarity has been there since, oh, I don't know, at the beginning of time, being a human being on this planet, it serves a purpose.
37:38
[SPEAKER_01]: These women bring their skills, men bring their skills.
37:41
[SPEAKER_01]: There's pause and we know, when you look at psychologists and so forth, when we do studies of personality traits and men woman, I'll be darn, women seem to be over here in this camp.
37:49
[SPEAKER_01]: And men seem to be over here in this camp.
37:51
[SPEAKER_01]: And there are some things that aren't so nice.
37:54
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's start with the men, so people don't think I'm piloting women.
37:56
[SPEAKER_01]: Men tend to be more prone to violence.
37:58
[SPEAKER_01]: be more aggressive, duh.
38:00
[SPEAKER_01]: We've seen that, right?
38:01
[SPEAKER_01]: So the majority of murders are committed by men, the majority of rapes are committed by men.
38:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Sorry.
38:07
[SPEAKER_01]: But then we have some not so nice things over on the one hand side, too.
38:10
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
38:10
[SPEAKER_01]: There's like in fainted side, for example, the killing and of infants.
38:14
[SPEAKER_01]: If that happens, it's like 99% of the time, it's the woman doing it.
38:17
[SPEAKER_01]: How weird is that?
38:18
[SPEAKER_01]: But it's just one of the awful quirks of human nature.
38:21
[SPEAKER_01]: There's also something called a munchausen by proxy syndrome, for example.
38:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Munchausen syndrome is I hurt myself in order to get
38:28
[SPEAKER_01]: That seems to be more common in women, but then there's by proxy, which is I hurt others, usually my child in order to get attention on me.
38:36
[SPEAKER_01]: So you have these women that are poisoning their kids and so forth.
38:39
[SPEAKER_01]: So she, that is a predominantly woman thing.
38:41
[SPEAKER_01]: So we have a lot of points out the extreme negatives on both them.
38:44
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
38:45
[SPEAKER_01]: But we also have some just personality traits.
38:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Women tend to be more empathetic, more open, but you also tend to be more agreeable.
38:52
[SPEAKER_01]: you don't want to rock the boat.
38:54
[SPEAKER_01]: You don't want to be seen as the bitch in the office.
38:57
[SPEAKER_01]: Yep.
38:57
[SPEAKER_01]: So when the creepy guy David at the office comes up behind you and messages your shoulders, you go, oh god, but you don't say, hey David, if you do that again, I'll chop your hands off, because you don't want to be seen as the office bitch.
39:08
[SPEAKER_01]: You don't want people to be like, oh, we can't work with her.
39:10
[SPEAKER_01]: We've only got men tend to be better at that.
39:13
[SPEAKER_01]: So none of us can say women better, men better, women worse, men worse is just we bring our own little, I guess specialties to the table if you will are own little foibles and everything else.
39:23
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm all about embracing it and that's fine, but there is some school of thought of.
39:28
[SPEAKER_01]: If you're telling me Ralph that I am the strong oak in the family and people depend on me to remain steady, that's a lot of pressure and that means that I can't show weakness.
39:37
[SPEAKER_01]: I can't show vulnerability.
39:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Because when I do, they're going to look at me and go, well, there goes the strong oak.
39:41
[SPEAKER_01]: I can't be that anymore and say, no, delicate balancing act.
39:44
[SPEAKER_01]: It has to be with everything.
39:46
[SPEAKER_02]: Right.
39:46
[SPEAKER_02]: With your experience, like looking back now and just knowing what you know now about masculinity and how important it is, can you think about ways in your marriage, then that you needed to show up differently or masculine?
40:02
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, can you share a little bit about that?
40:04
[SPEAKER_02]: Because I know our men are probably listening.
40:06
[SPEAKER_02]: like, well, how could you have done a different?
40:08
[SPEAKER_02]: What did you do wrong?
40:09
[SPEAKER_02]: And like now you know that like you should have been like doing this or it definitely from a young age.
40:16
[SPEAKER_01]: I had probably an unhealthy amount of anxiety in my life.
40:20
[SPEAKER_01]: It's a stressed out kid and where did that come from?
40:22
[SPEAKER_01]: Just meet my mom.
40:23
[SPEAKER_01]: You'll know.
40:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Sorry, Mom, but I was raised by an extremely neurotic person in that rubbed off on me and I brought that into my adulthood and I was just known as Ralph's gonna spazz out by stuff around then.
40:36
[SPEAKER_01]: I kept my cool to be honest through a lot of things, but if something kind of Push me over the edge.
40:41
[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't handle it too well.
40:42
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, and then I was also not the most assertive guy in the world
40:45
[SPEAKER_01]: the common trope, which just this happens all the time.
40:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, what do you want for dinner, chicken or fish?
40:50
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't care, whatever.
40:51
[SPEAKER_01]: They're even with that simple little thing in life.
40:54
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I didn't have the wherewithal just to say, I want chicken, damn it, why?
40:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Because, well, what if my wife wants fish?
40:59
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to piss her off, and that's a very anxious you guy taking all this.
41:03
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's a little moment like that.
41:05
[SPEAKER_01]: You stack up those little kind of moments, hundreds of them over the years.
41:07
[SPEAKER_01]: You eventually build the picture of, ew, this guy's just not the most attractive dude in the world.
41:12
[SPEAKER_01]: That's not good.
41:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, that doesn't by any means excuse what the X-wife did and everything else, but it helps build a picture for kind of how we got there.
41:19
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
41:19
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
41:20
[SPEAKER_02]: That's interesting.
41:21
[SPEAKER_02]: And I looking back on my marriage, I can see where there were so many ways he didn't step up.
41:28
[SPEAKER_02]: And I I can identify like what you did or didn't know what people that are more anxiety prone like I was still empty.
41:36
[SPEAKER_01]: It's some degree.
41:37
[SPEAKER_01]: And we also have some fatigue in a relationship.
41:39
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just like enough, please, with the drama and then this and that, I'm just, you're making me feel very anxious and sometimes we escape the situation or sometimes we fight back and to stop, I don't know, you just pick the meal, damn it.
41:49
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to talk about it anymore.
41:51
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like I, in the moment of inches, I can't trust this guy with anything, but it is defensey saying like my anxieties are through the roof with you and what you bring to the table.
41:58
[SPEAKER_01]: I just, I'm not wired for that.
41:59
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I love one of our talking points like on your one sheet.
42:03
[SPEAKER_02]: I typically don't say what they say, but I just, I love this.
42:06
[SPEAKER_02]: And how it said, you're not broken.
42:08
[SPEAKER_02]: You're just missing the blueprint.
42:11
[SPEAKER_01]: Mm.
42:12
[SPEAKER_02]: Please dive into that for me.
42:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I have a book here for people that are watching the video later.
42:16
[SPEAKER_01]: I just wrote this book and just came out, rebuild the complete guy to starting over as a man.
42:22
[SPEAKER_02]: And like when, like, just came out when.
42:24
[SPEAKER_01]: The month or so ago, month and a half, so like that.
42:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
42:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
42:27
[SPEAKER_01]: And you can find out more excuse me as a bump of microphone.
42:29
[SPEAKER_01]: You can find out more read rebuild.com.
42:31
[SPEAKER_01]: So I don't need just for that jump sheet to our webpage.
42:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
42:33
[SPEAKER_01]: But that talks all about that.
42:36
[SPEAKER_01]: We talk all about I start with the foundational stuff.
42:40
[SPEAKER_01]: which is who are you and what you're identity actually just listen to one of your podcasts you had a guest on talking exactly about this.
42:46
[SPEAKER_01]: This is everything.
42:46
[SPEAKER_01]: So it all starts with us.
42:48
[SPEAKER_01]: It's if you just don't have a sense of identity and who you are and what you stay in for and your values you will just go I talked on my one sheet I think I have a thing on there about passivity is a toxic thing because you just go whichever way the wind blows.
43:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
43:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Is it?
43:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Find year or whatever you say dear friends want to go do this.
43:05
[SPEAKER_01]: I really don't feel like I don't feel good about that and whatever.
43:07
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm in a room and somebody's making some off-color jokes that are very offensive, and yeah, yeah, I don't want to bring it up because I don't want to rock the boat.
43:14
[SPEAKER_01]: And so you just let everyone else dictate where you are and where you go.
43:17
[SPEAKER_01]: And then divorce, job loss, kids move out of the house, whatever it may be.
43:21
[SPEAKER_01]: And you're just like, there's no more wind here to direct me.
43:23
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know where to go next.
43:24
[SPEAKER_01]: So you need some kind of blueprint if you will or a plan in place.
43:28
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's what that book is all about.
43:29
[SPEAKER_01]: It's helping men build that blueprint or plan in place for rediscovering yourself and starting over from scratch and rebuilding yourself.
43:36
[SPEAKER_01]: you want to be, you know, everybody else dictate everything for you all the time.
43:40
[SPEAKER_02]: That's so cool.
43:40
[SPEAKER_02]: And I love how like that can apply to someone who's married, someone who's dating, divorce, like he doesn't matter.
43:46
[SPEAKER_02]: Everyone can start and rebuild that blueprint no matter where you're at.
43:49
[SPEAKER_02]: Like that.
43:50
[SPEAKER_02]: That was genius.
43:51
[SPEAKER_02]: And that's another reason.
43:52
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, you know, were two adults?
43:54
[SPEAKER_02]: How old are your kids now?
43:55
[SPEAKER_02]: Your kids are grown there?
43:56
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it's 22, 18.
43:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Is that right?
43:59
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
44:00
[SPEAKER_00]: So, going on 23, 22,
44:01
[SPEAKER_01]: And now I have remarried, I haven't mentioned that, but we have a four year old.
44:06
[SPEAKER_02]: Oh my gosh.
44:08
[SPEAKER_01]: That's good.
44:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, oh, those guys.
44:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
44:09
[SPEAKER_01]: We got the adult in a little time.
44:11
[SPEAKER_02]: Totally fine.
44:12
[SPEAKER_02]: You're just like backing my pussy for more.
44:14
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes.
44:15
[SPEAKER_02]: Even more of like, doesn't matter how old you are, what stage rat, like, you can rebuild that blueprint, like you can start or you can learn, you can grow no matter what and I get so many people that are like, I'm too old or like, it's too late or like, you know, this would be great.
44:32
[SPEAKER_02]: That'd be fine if we could just hit this goal and I'm like, why not this goal?
44:36
[SPEAKER_02]: I mean, is that realistic?
44:38
[SPEAKER_02]: Fuck it.
44:38
[SPEAKER_02]: Realistic.
44:39
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, what are you talking about?
44:41
[SPEAKER_02]: And that's why I just love these kind of conversations because, like, no, you can.
44:44
[SPEAKER_02]: And I have a book read.
44:47
[SPEAKER_01]: But there are some.
44:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's not make this like this polyanish.
44:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Everything will be wonderful.
44:51
[SPEAKER_01]: They have to do the thing.
44:52
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to start now and everything will be great.
44:54
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, no.
44:54
[SPEAKER_01]: And one of the biggest negative aspects, if you will of rebuilding and doing things the right ways, you're going to lose people.
45:01
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, you're gonna have people who are like, I don't like this new you because I can't push you around anymore.
45:06
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, the way the wind blows we were talking about they're like, I used to be able to say do this and you'd say, yes, let's go.
45:11
[SPEAKER_01]: And now you're like saying, no to me and I don't like it.
45:13
[SPEAKER_01]: And then eventually hear that a few hundred times and you're like, I think I got to let this person go.
45:16
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's what anyone who has done any kind of massive life change will tell you.
45:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you leave a lot of people on the dust.
45:23
[SPEAKER_01]: So to speak, a lot of people by my money.
45:25
[SPEAKER_02]: It's, well, and it kind of like goes with that saying like it's lonely at the top, like the more you grow and like rise up, yeah, you, yeah, you definitely lose a lot of people.
45:34
[SPEAKER_02]: And I mean, I don't even have a relationship with my own sister anymore.
45:37
[SPEAKER_02]: We haven't talked since I told her I was separating from my husband.
45:42
[SPEAKER_02]: Wow.
45:42
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, and that was years ago.
45:44
[SPEAKER_02]: And I'm like, and that's okay.
45:47
[SPEAKER_02]: That's okay.
45:47
[SPEAKER_02]: Because I need to.
45:49
[SPEAKER_02]: For a grown-in rebuild and not everyone's going to like this new version of me and I'm totally okay with that.
45:54
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay, so I have a really specific question for you for the women and men that are listening because like all my clients listen and stuff and I have a lot of women on this journey.
46:04
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay, and they're going to be like, honey, you need to listen to this episode and even if you just fast forward to this part we're going to want to talk about this.
46:10
[SPEAKER_02]: So the lot of women that are for the first time they're rediscovering their physical strength than they're.
46:16
[SPEAKER_02]: training and then they're doing the mindset work and you know they're seeing their worth and they're showing up not just to like lose weight they're showing up because they want to be you know the best version of themselves and they're watching how they talk to their children into themselves and they're partner and how they speak about themselves like just all this overall transformation and it takes a long time and many of these women they have a husband that hasn't got on board yet.
46:43
[SPEAKER_01]: I knew where this was going.
46:45
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, you know, all the time and it's starting to become a problem.
46:50
[SPEAKER_02]: And one thing that I want to make sure that they don't shrink and a lot of women will stop.
46:55
[SPEAKER_02]: And a lot of women get stuck and they don't know why they stop.
46:58
[SPEAKER_02]: They're like, I don't know why I fall off track.
46:59
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, I don't know why I start going to the gym.
47:01
[SPEAKER_02]: And I see, because I've been doing this for so long now, I see a lot of women that they start changing and then he's not okay with that and then he gets insecure and he's like, well, you're going to leave me in the dust, you know, I'm not working out and they could, but she's getting better and he's not and so women will shrink and they'll be like, and it's back here, it's like, way back here subconsciously, they don't even realize it, but they're like, oh my god, well, I don't want to make him feel bad.
47:22
[SPEAKER_02]: I don't want him to feel like I'm leaving him behind or I'm having a fear, whatever, and they slowly stop becoming that goddess that they were becoming.
47:30
[SPEAKER_02]: And you know, and I see that.
47:32
[SPEAKER_01]: So let loose like a chime in because I know you probably got like a lot of this is in my and my book, the dead bedroom fix this I've devoted a chapter just just to this phenomena, which is not limited to women doing the change and the men reacting the men see the same thing.
47:45
[SPEAKER_01]: So,
47:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
47:46
[SPEAKER_01]: In fact, dare I say, maybe even more so.
47:49
[SPEAKER_01]: We have a lot of women that go into the shame tactics of who you trying to impress.
47:54
[SPEAKER_01]: Why are you suddenly dressed?
47:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Sure.
47:55
[SPEAKER_01]: And then losing a ton of weight.
47:56
[SPEAKER_01]: What's going on here?
47:57
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm a mother of three or four kids.
48:00
[SPEAKER_01]: I can't compete with you.
48:01
[SPEAKER_01]: And the looks department, Mr. Six pack abs all of a sudden.
48:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And you're injecting your testosterone.
48:06
[SPEAKER_01]: You're looking like a he man.
48:07
[SPEAKER_01]: And here I am.
48:07
[SPEAKER_01]: And my body is it's very difficult for me to bounce back.
48:10
[SPEAKER_01]: I work full time and take care of the kids.
48:12
[SPEAKER_01]: This is not fair.
48:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, my bad.
48:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Sorry about that.
48:17
[SPEAKER_01]: And they go right back to Mr. Shelby husband and what's hilarious though is I talked about how these guys are scorekeepers.
48:25
[SPEAKER_01]: How was the physical intimacy when you started getting in shape and changing work more confident?
48:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Always.
48:29
[SPEAKER_01]: We went from this many to this many, you know, dramatic increase in physical intimacy.
48:34
[SPEAKER_01]: And now that you've gone back to the old you.
48:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, we're back to the old us again.
48:37
[SPEAKER_01]: So that uncomfortability that anxiety that is produced by your sudden change comes with some positives, increase intimacy, better kind of whatever it may be, more tension from other women.
48:48
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a real thing.
48:49
[SPEAKER_01]: That's what a lot of women will say too, but it also comes with a negativity of turning off your loved ones, scaring them, causing them to feel insecure.
48:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, back to your situation, where's the woman?
48:59
[SPEAKER_01]: We know, for example, and again, not to throw women out of the bus, but something like bariatric surgery, stomach stapling, flat bands and all that, we know the divorce rate is pretty high after those kind of procedures.
49:10
[SPEAKER_02]: Was that crazy?
49:11
[SPEAKER_01]: It's nuts.
49:12
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, what are the, here's the thing that makes when we go, oh boy, here he goes.
49:15
[SPEAKER_01]: When we look at the stats, you can look at it yourself.
49:18
[SPEAKER_01]: If it's the woman who's gone through the surgery and lost a tremendous amount of weight, or if it's the man, divorces twice as likely to happen if it's the woman that goes through the transformation.
49:28
[SPEAKER_01]: We also know that women file 70% of the divorcees out there.
49:32
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
49:32
[SPEAKER_01]: So what does that say?
49:34
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know.
49:35
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not here to say that women aren't wired for marriage long-term in ног.
49:38
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, they're just looking for the first avenue of escape and they take it.
49:42
[SPEAKER_01]: But all I can tell you is is that one of the most common stories I hear is my wife got into tip top shape.
49:48
[SPEAKER_01]: She became a fitness model looking gal.
49:51
[SPEAKER_01]: I did not join her because I don't like that kind of stuff the guy says.
49:55
[SPEAKER_01]: And goodbye wife, that is a very, very common thing.
49:59
[SPEAKER_01]: In the men internalized it to saying as soon as she was able to get a better one she didn't, she left me in the dust to which I say to guys, let's just throw all the BS aside.
50:07
[SPEAKER_01]: If you see that your woman is going down our new path, you better drop everything you're doing and join her.
50:12
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, I'm sorry if this is shallow and stupid and I'm sorry if you don't like that kind of stuff.
50:19
[SPEAKER_01]: I had one guy that really got on me.
50:20
[SPEAKER_01]: I always bring him up because it tickled me so much.
50:23
[SPEAKER_01]: I am an Ivy League professor.
50:24
[SPEAKER_01]: I will leave out what psychology or university is professor of.
50:27
[SPEAKER_01]: It's a big one.
50:28
[SPEAKER_01]: In a retro book and I threw it down and discussed basically what he said when I read a chapter on physical fitness because being a he-man, getting in shape and it has mixed no difference.
50:37
[SPEAKER_01]: It shouldn't matter anyway.
50:38
[SPEAKER_01]: You know,
50:42
[SPEAKER_01]: So there's a stigma out there with physical fitness is shallow when you shouldn't do it.
50:46
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm here to tell you guys, it makes a difference.
50:49
[SPEAKER_01]: But what confuses us, Melissa, is that we have plenty of women telling us to our faces.
50:54
[SPEAKER_01]: It makes no difference.
50:55
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't care if you're fat or if you're a ripple to Donas.
50:59
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't care.
51:00
[SPEAKER_01]: And no woman cares.
51:01
[SPEAKER_01]: This is stupid.
51:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Just stop going to the gym.
51:03
[SPEAKER_01]: And I tell men, just smile and say, oh, that's great.
51:06
[SPEAKER_01]: But I'm not necessarily doing this for your approval.
51:08
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm doing this to get in better shape and to look better and to feel better about myself.
51:11
[SPEAKER_01]: I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm going to go do it anyway.
51:13
[SPEAKER_00]: Great.
51:14
[SPEAKER_01]: That's, it shows a level of security and dependence.
51:17
[SPEAKER_01]: You're not, you're not going to go whichever way the wind blows as we talk about.
51:20
[SPEAKER_01]: So, uh, same thing with the wives out there.
51:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Just because your hubby says who you're getting all hot and sexy for and I know you're screwing everybody in the gym and he's like I'm not I'm doing this for me join me you want to join me me you can they say I can bring you as a free whatever to the class you can come with me no
51:37
[SPEAKER_01]: You've had your chance.
51:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, it's not just that women are going out there and looking for the replacement is that there aren't a whole new world with a whole new group of people, with a whole new mindset and we're all there to do better and they're all cheering each other on and fist bumping each other and they're all talking about your macros and your supplements and the hormone replacement is just a whole new way of looking at life, a whole new perspective.
51:58
[SPEAKER_01]: And yeah, you can get left behind pretty quick.
52:00
[SPEAKER_01]: So I tell guys, suck it up, put your ego aside and join her.
52:04
[SPEAKER_01]: There's there's there's show on us to the mating game that we don't like to talk about, but that's one of them.
52:08
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
52:09
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, and when you take a person that is moving their body physically every day, contracting their muscles, like actually squeezing and contracting, we know that actually releases anti-depressants in our brains.
52:21
[SPEAKER_01]: They told me perspective on life, everything.
52:23
[SPEAKER_01]: You feel better.
52:23
[SPEAKER_01]: You sleep better.
52:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Everything.
52:25
[SPEAKER_02]: So if that person is changing chemically, physically everything, and you're not doing the same things to get the chemical reaction, you're not going to think the same.
52:34
[SPEAKER_01]: You're not in sync with each other at all.
52:36
[SPEAKER_02]: And it's yeah, it's so important to be in sync on at level.
52:40
[SPEAKER_02]: So I'm so glad you said that so glad that you're just like know it.
52:44
[SPEAKER_02]: Because that's the truth.
52:45
[SPEAKER_02]: It really is.
52:45
[SPEAKER_02]: And you know, I'm sure that you get hate for some of your content all the time.
52:50
[SPEAKER_02]: I know I do like you're all are not pleased with me.
52:53
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, a lot would just fine.
52:55
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm I'm not going to sit here and be one of the.
52:57
[SPEAKER_02]: influencers out there that's like just do this booty exercise and just do that.
53:01
[SPEAKER_02]: So I'm like there is so much that goes into this journey and I got to believe it's the same for you that like there is so much that goes into being, you know, a masculine, high performing, you know, loving man.
53:14
[SPEAKER_02]: It's not just, oh, I'm not married.
53:16
[SPEAKER_02]: I provide a roof.
53:18
[SPEAKER_02]: You got dinner on the table right.
53:20
[SPEAKER_01]: And dare I say not to be little your professional anyway shape or form, but for a lot of men that I talk to be getting in physical shape part of it is the quote easy part, because they literally lift weights up and down, count their macros, yeah, six months later, holy shit.
53:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Look at me.
53:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, look amazing.
53:37
[SPEAKER_01]: But they're still the same insecure little boy inside and they're still looking for attention and their Perry menopausal wife is just like I'm tired.
53:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Just leave me be.
53:45
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm sorry.
53:46
[SPEAKER_01]: And he's like perhaps you haven't seen my abs What the hell it's like it's like do you want to in this, you know, it's not just so much that man What doesn't help is that yeah, he's getting the attention from ladies now outside of the relationship and this
53:56
[SPEAKER_01]: He can have validation from others and he's feeling his coffers if you will with all the other attention that's not good for the old the old marriage now and those very insecure men they cheat I talked to them and that's not a problem now
54:12
[SPEAKER_02]: And I don't know how to word this, but the women that aren't getting the love and attention and feeling safe, they cheat, oh yeah, I'll go find it somewhere else you're not providing it for me and giving to me women will they'll seek it somewhere else.
54:28
[SPEAKER_01]: These uh, I get my phone next me here.
54:30
[SPEAKER_01]: These dumb phones make it way easier than ever to connect with other human beings at a very intimate level and emotional affairs don't stay emotional very long.
54:38
[SPEAKER_01]: They usually escalate pretty quickly.
54:40
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a lot of us learn.
54:41
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, very quickly.
54:43
[SPEAKER_02]: Oh my god, we're out there.
54:43
[SPEAKER_02]: I have so many more questions for you.
54:45
[SPEAKER_02]: I think I could talk to you.
54:48
[SPEAKER_01]: We'll do a part two sometime.
54:49
[SPEAKER_02]: We should.
54:50
[SPEAKER_02]: We definitely should.
54:51
[SPEAKER_02]: So you're married now.
54:53
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes, a four year old.
54:54
[SPEAKER_02]: How long have you been married?
54:55
[SPEAKER_01]: We put me on the spot.
54:56
[SPEAKER_01]: How many years has it been now?
54:57
[SPEAKER_01]: We're now, is it eight years now?
55:00
[SPEAKER_01]: I think.
55:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
55:01
[SPEAKER_01]: I like that.
55:01
[SPEAKER_01]: So quite a quite a while.
55:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Good for you.
55:04
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
55:04
[SPEAKER_02]: So there's no, but you can remarry and be happy.
55:08
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay.
55:09
[SPEAKER_01]: There you go.
55:09
[SPEAKER_01]: But hey, but guys, it ain't easy.
55:11
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not like you just read a book.
55:12
[SPEAKER_01]: And suddenly you're just like, I'm just going to find Mrs. Wright.
55:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Here's the thing, what if you don't find her or Mr. Wright for that matter?
55:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
55:19
[SPEAKER_01]: you'll be fine.
55:20
[SPEAKER_01]: You're okay.
55:21
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's ironically when you really embrace that mindset of I'll be fine as a single person.
55:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Cool.
55:25
[SPEAKER_01]: That's when you're more apt to find Mr. or Mrs. Wright.
55:28
[SPEAKER_01]: When you're no Mr. or Mrs.
55:30
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm so anxious.
55:31
[SPEAKER_01]: I need to find them.
55:32
[SPEAKER_01]: I got to get married.
55:33
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm turning 40.
55:33
[SPEAKER_01]: I can't be a little true alone.
55:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
55:35
[SPEAKER_01]: You're not going to find the right dude.
55:37
[SPEAKER_01]: You're just going to find another insecure person.
55:38
[SPEAKER_01]: And I know the truth.
55:40
[SPEAKER_02]: You're going to track that.
55:41
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, that's all that.
55:42
[SPEAKER_02]: It's so crazy.
55:42
[SPEAKER_02]: You're saying that because my therapist is the exact same thing when I was seeing my, what if it doesn't work?
55:48
[SPEAKER_02]: Then what it wouldn't, and she's like, and you're going to be okay.
55:51
[SPEAKER_02]: She's like, you survived leaving a marriage, like you rebuilt your life, like you've proven to yourself that you are going to be okay.
55:58
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, my God, I have going to be okay whether I'm with or without someone, and that's yeah, it's a beautiful place to be it.
56:04
[SPEAKER_02]: I want everyone to be to be able to feel and experience that.
56:08
[SPEAKER_02]: Ralph, where can people find you?
56:09
[SPEAKER_02]: How can they follow you again?
56:11
[SPEAKER_02]: Touch with you will put everything in the show notes, but I want to make sure you get a chance to say it all too.
56:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Help for men.com is our main website.
56:18
[SPEAKER_01]: In fact, we have a special page set up for your listeners if I remember I help for men.com slash bomb life.
56:24
[SPEAKER_01]: I believe what we set up there, help for men.
56:26
[SPEAKER_01]: And so we have for men only sorry ladies.
56:29
[SPEAKER_01]: We have some offers in there for men only as far as membership to our group and chat with me in a free course about dead veterans stuff.
56:35
[SPEAKER_01]: So check that out.
56:35
[SPEAKER_01]: But help for men.com articles, videos, courses, our community links to all my books are on there.
56:41
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I still put up content under the name of Dad starting over on YouTube Facebook TikToks.
56:46
[SPEAKER_01]: So a lot of people know me from the bald head.
56:48
[SPEAKER_01]: I've had some videos they get into the millions.
56:50
[SPEAKER_01]: So I have some people guard you the guys.
56:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Like yeah, that's me.
56:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
56:54
[SPEAKER_01]: The bald head helps out with.
56:56
[SPEAKER_02]: I love it.
56:57
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
56:57
[SPEAKER_01]: That's my trademark.
56:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
56:58
[SPEAKER_02]: I love it.
56:59
[SPEAKER_02]: Oh, perfect.
57:00
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay.
57:00
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, we'll list everything in the show notes.
57:01
[SPEAKER_02]: So do you guys are driving or can, you know, write anything down.
57:04
[SPEAKER_02]: It will all be there for you, Ralph.
57:06
[SPEAKER_02]: We definitely have to connect again.
57:07
[SPEAKER_02]: Absolutely.
57:09
[SPEAKER_02]: And keep this conversation going.
57:10
[SPEAKER_02]: This was you were just like a true blessing to the show.
57:13
[SPEAKER_02]: Like I can't thank you enough.
57:14
[SPEAKER_02]: Thank you.
57:14
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm sorry, my station.
57:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
57:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
57:16
[SPEAKER_02]: this was great.
57:17
[SPEAKER_02]: But yeah, let's connect again.
57:18
[SPEAKER_02]: You guys go to the show notes, check it out, listen to this episode, men and women.
57:23
[SPEAKER_02]: This is for everyone, but pass it on too.
57:25
[SPEAKER_02]: I want everyone to like take this and be like, hey, you need to listen to this.
57:28
[SPEAKER_02]: You should listen to this episode, friends, family, everyone, male and female.
57:32
[SPEAKER_02]: So thank you again for coming on our office.
57:34
[SPEAKER_01]: This is great.
57:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you, Melissa.
57:35
[SPEAKER_01]: I love it.
57:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you.
57:36
[SPEAKER_02]: Everyone, stay safe.
57:37
[SPEAKER_02]: Stay healthy.
57:37
[SPEAKER_02]: Until next time.
57:42
[SPEAKER_02]: The bottom-life podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.
57:45
[SPEAKER_02]: The content shared here is not intended as medical, legal, or professional advice.
57:48
[SPEAKER_02]: Always consult with a qualified professional before making any health fitness, financial, or legal decisions.
57:53
[SPEAKER_02]: The opinions shared on this podcast are personal experiences and insight.
57:56
[SPEAKER_02]: So if you need expert guidance, go find the right professional for you.
58:00
[SPEAKER_02]: Thanks for listening.