Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 704: What Happens When Your Avoidant Ex Finally Breaks?

Transcript

Episode 704: What Happens When Your Avoidant Ex Finally Breaks? · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:01
  What happens when your emotionally unavailable ex
• 0:04
  finally cracks like an iPhone screen?
• 0:07
  Will they come crawling back? Will they send that 2:00 AM Hey
• 0:12
  stranger text? Or will they just vanish again?
• 0:16
  Well, stay tuned and you'll find out.
• 0:19
  Hi, this is Lucia with Yard of Love.
• 0:20
  I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
• 0:23
  people just like you get their ex back.
• 0:26
  And welcome back my beautiful no contact army.
• 0:29
  If you're a soldier in my army then you already know the power
• 0:32
  of silence. And if you've been using my app
• 0:35
  Silencio to stay strong in no contact, first of all, thank
• 0:38
  you. And 2nd, I'd love if you could
• 0:41
  drop a rating or a review. Every bit of support is
• 0:44
  appreciated. The link is below.
• 0:45
  As always, Before we dive into what happens when an Avoidant X
• 0:51
  finally breaks, let's talk about why they're like this in the 1st
• 0:55
  place. Because understanding their
• 0:57
  wiring is your secret weapon. Avoidance aren't cold hearted
• 1:02
  villains, They're literally wired to protect themselves.
• 1:06
  Emotional distance? That's their security blanket.
• 1:09
  Closeness feels like danger, Vulnerability feels like risk.
• 1:13
  And silence? That's their safe space.
• 1:17
  Avoidance constantly experience a tug of war between wanting to
• 1:20
  be close and wanting to be distant.
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  Their nervous system is not programmed to engage, but rather
• 1:27
  to run away. They won't love until they feel
• 1:30
  it, and then their nervous system screams RUN.
• 1:36
  It's not about you, it's about their fear.
• 1:38
  Don't take their withdrawal personally, even though that may
• 1:41
  be hard to do. This has nothing to do with your
• 1:43
  worth. People dating avoidance often
• 1:45
  mistake the avoidance walls as evidence that they're not good
• 1:48
  enough or lovable enough for the avoiding to take the walls down.
• 1:52
  But that's just not true. The walls were there long before
• 1:55
  you arrived on the scene. But here's what most people
• 1:59
  don't realize. Those walls aren't unbreakable.
• 2:04
  With the right pressure, they will crack and eventually
• 2:07
  collapse, and that's where you come in.
• 2:11
  And Speaking of cracks, if you're serious about getting
• 2:14
  your X back the right way, Ioffer one-on-one coaching
• 2:17
  because strategy does matter. And the link to that is
• 2:20
  underneath every single video and podcast, as always.
• 2:24
  So what does applying the right pressure look like to begin
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  with? You absolutely need to have
• 2:30
  boundaries and self respect to deal with an avoidant.
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  And this looks like not chasing them and remaining silent.
• 2:38
  They have this idea of how you were going to behave after the
• 2:42
  breakup, but you're behaving differently.
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  You were anxious and wanted to chase them, but now you're
• 2:49
  totally silent. They reach out with a
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  breadcrumb. You don't respond.
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  People rely on patterns in order to feel safe.
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  Your anxiety and emotional availability made them feel
• 3:01
  safe. But now silence is your
• 3:04
  superpower. They expected you to chase.
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  They relied on your anxiety to feel secure.
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  But now it's radio silence. No reactions, no breadcrumb
• 3:16
  responses that disrupts their entire script.
• 3:21
  Or you pull the jealousy card and it looks like you're on a
• 3:24
  date and moving on. Or you level up and glow up, you
• 3:28
  look happy and your evolution quietly exposes their emotional
• 3:33
  stagnation for avoidance. Predictability is that you were
• 3:39
  anxious in over giving. The shift creates an emotional
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  gap that they can't control. They're used to you filling in
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  the gap, and when that stops, it's disorienting.
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  When you're grounded and can't be shaken by the breakup, that
• 3:55
  shakes up an avoidant who relied on your emotional reactions to
• 3:59
  feel secure when they pulled away.
• 4:02
  But now their silence doesn't pull you in, but rather it
• 4:05
  pushes you away. Their detachment doesn't create
• 4:09
  fear, it now creates clarity. You're silently sending a strong
• 4:14
  message which says it's not business as usual.
• 4:18
  This will come as a shock to your avoidant ex.
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  You're showing them without words that their avoidant
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  attachment style is going to cost them and this will force
• 4:29
  them to face their avoidance. By doing this you're quietly
• 4:34
  applying pressure. That contrast now requires them
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  to self reflect, and over time this works because human beings
• 4:44
  create connection, yes, even avoidance.
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  And when they realize that their behavior is going to cost them
• 4:52
  the connection, they'll sit up and take notice.
• 4:56
  They had you on the back burner and thought they could get you
• 4:58
  back at any time, but now they realize that's no longer an
• 5:02
  option and they can only keep their emotions locked up for so
• 5:07
  long before they stage a jailbreak.
• 5:11
  Meeting new people isn't going to isn't turning out to be as
• 5:14
  amazing as they thought it would be, and they're finding that
• 5:17
  data apps can be brutal and a knock to the ego and that's when
• 5:22
  they're going to start to panic. No contact and your boundaries
• 5:26
  have done their job. The longer you hold them, the
• 5:30
  longer the echo in someone's mind.
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  Especially for someone who is used to silence working in their
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  favor, when they realize that silence no longer gives them
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  power, pressure builds inside them, and this is when they're
• 5:46
  most likely to reach out. Not necessarily to get back
• 5:49
  together, but to see if they still have access and if you're
• 5:53
  still somewhat interested. And by the way, if you'd like
• 5:57
  more help with No contact, go to nocontactsecrets.com to download
• 6:01
  my book. No Contact Secrets.
• 6:04
  Link is underneath, as always, so here's what to expect when
• 6:09
  your ex finally breaks. The texts start rolling in.
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  But not all reach outs are created equal, so here's what to
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  watch out for. You may get the classic U Up
• 6:21
  text at midnight. Your move?
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  Ignore. Let that red receipt sting or
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  they'll hit you with the nostalgia bomb.
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  Suddenly they're reminiscing about a conversation you had or
• 6:35
  a trip you took. Or maybe the I've been doing
• 6:39
  some thinking text translation. I got bored and my new situation
• 6:44
  ship ghosted me so want to chat. Then of course we have the fake
• 6:49
  self-awareness. I've been working on myself.
• 6:52
  Cool. Show receipts.
• 6:55
  Did you journal? Go to therapy, watch videos
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  about attachment styles and don't fall for the classic I
• 7:02
  miss you bait. They may be missing you in this
• 7:05
  moment, but will they miss you tomorrow?
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  Does the fact that they miss you mean that they want you back?
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  Not necessarily. And I've actually done a whole
• 7:14
  video on how to respond to the I miss you text.
• 7:17
  And as usual, I'll put the link in the upper right hand corner
• 7:20
  on YouTube. So how do you handle these reach
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  outs? Well, you need to make them work
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  for it. If they want back in, they
• 7:29
  better bring more than 1/2 hearted.
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  Hey, we require effort, Sir or ma'am.
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  And don't fall for the Hoover. No, not the vacuum avoidance
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  love to suck you back in when they're lonely.
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  They need to put an effort and they need to show that they've
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  worked on themselves and they're not going to run away every time
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  they get triggered. Now I want to hear from you.
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  Has your avoidance ex started acting like they just discovered
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  their emotions for the first time?
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  Drop your stories in the comments.
• 8:00
  I live for the drama and hit the subscribe button if you found
• 8:04
  this helpful.