Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 640: An AVOIDANT Explains EXACTLY How To Get Your Ex Back

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Episode 640: An AVOIDANT Explains EXACTLY How To Get Your Ex Back · The Art of Love With Lucia

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  An avoidant explains exactly how to get your ex back.
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  Who is that avoidant? Why?
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  That would be me. And who better to know what your
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  ex is thinking and feeling than another avoidant.
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  Hi, this is Lucia with The Art of Love.
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  I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
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  you get your ex back or to get over your ex and your favorite
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  expat expert. And I hope you enjoyed the new
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  video format with the photos mainly of oceans from exotic
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  locations around the world. So please let me know what you
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  think in the comments below and welcome back my beautiful no
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  contact army. Have you been a good little
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  soldier? If you have and you've
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  downloaded my app Silencio and you are staying in no contact,
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  and if you haven't, you can do that right now.
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  The link is underneath every single video and podcast.
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  And if you too would like to join our no contact army, all
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  you have to do is hit the subscribe button and the bell
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  notification and you're in. And to read our manual, go to
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  nocontactsecrets.com where you can read two pre chapters before
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  you purchase the book. All right, the video you've all
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  been waiting for I'm sure if you were dating and avoidant and
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  actually let's find out, were you dating and avoidant or are
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  you dating and avoidant because someone left a comment recently
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  that said, you know, some people think that they were dating and
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  avoidant, but it was just the fact that their ex was not
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  interested. They weren't necessarily an
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  avoidant. And that's true, because when I
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  did the test with my community, 80% said they were dating an
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  avoidant. That seems very high.
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  So is it 80%? I don't know.
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  What you can do is that you can go online.
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  There are plenty of tests to find out whether your ex really
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  was an avoidant and also find out what you are so that we you
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  make sure you are dealing with an avoidant.
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  OK, so there's four things that you want to keep in mind with an
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  avoidant. And so I'm going to explain to
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  you how we think and feel, and it'll make it easier to
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  understand why you need to do what you need to do to get your
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  ex back to get your avoidance X back.
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  OK, so with an avoidance, the first thing is slow your roll.
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  No fast moves. Do not try to push things along.
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  Do not try to speed up. Do not be saying I love you real
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  fast. Do not be asking for a
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  commitment real fast. Just calm down.
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  It's like a cat. If you approach an unknown cat
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  quickly, they're probably going to run away.
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  So you want to slowly, slowly take a few steps at a time, and
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  before you know it, there you are petting the cat.
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  So don't be trying to rush things.
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  If you're dating actually anybody, because you at first
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  you don't know what their relationship, their attachment
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  style is and going slow, It works with every single
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  attachment style. It obviously works with
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  avoidant. It works with a secure because
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  they're secure. Fine.
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  They don't care. And it works in reverse,
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  actually, for the anxious, because since you're not
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  bringing it up, you'll actually make them more anxious, which
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  will make them more likely to want to commit to you, and it'll
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  raise your interest level. So interestingly, it works on
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  all attachment styles Going slow?
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  All right, don't be rushing. The second thing to remember
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  with an avoidant is trust. Trust is everything.
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  If we cannot trust you, you're going to lose our interest real
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  fast. It's better to just tell the
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  truth. We can handle the truth.
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  Just tell us. I have had a boyfriend once.
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  I've been dating for a number of years, and I had a feeling he
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  was cheating. So I said to him, are you
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  cheating? And he said, yes.
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  It's like, OK, well, thank you. I appreciate the honesty.
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  And I didn't break up with him. I mean, I should have.
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  And I said, well, you got to stop.
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  Yeah, Like that's going to do anything.
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  That was many years ago. But people actually really
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  appreciate when you tell them the truth, when they know that
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  whatever you they ask you, you're going to tell them the
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  truth. They may not like the answer,
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  but at least they know you're telling the truth.
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  And one of two things is going to happen is they'll appreciate
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  it and stay with you. That's like, OK, I can really
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  trust this person. Or they're going to stop asking
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  questions that they don't really want to know the answer to
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  because they know you're going to tell the truth.
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  And by the way, if you're finding this video helpful, be
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  sure to give it a like in order to help the YouTube algorithm to
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  help other people to find this video and find out all about
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  their avoidant X. So with an avoidant, trust is
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  everything. If they start to suspect that
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  something is up, that you're not that interested, that you're
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  pulling back, that you're up to something.
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  Because we always have our antenna up, our radar is up
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  24/7. Nothing gets past us.
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  We are so sensitive to signs of possible rejection that we're
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  ready to pull back the 2nd we suspect there's a rejection
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  coming. To give you an example, let's
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  say you usually text back within a few minutes or a few hours.
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  Unless, of course, maybe you're at work and you can't.
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  Or you're on an airplane or something and they know that if
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  all of a sudden it takes you 4 hours to respond, six hours, 8
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  hours, 12 hours. I can guarantee you, the person
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  that you respond to, your your boyfriend, girlfriend, they're
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  not the same person that they were before you took that long
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  to respond. They've already taken a step
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  back and avoidance already have one foot out the door anyway, so
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  now they have 1 1/2 feet of the door.
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  They may not say anything, but they their attitude towards you
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  has already started to change. They are starting to deactivate
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  as it's called. And so you better have a good
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  reason as to why it took you so long.
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  And it better be plausible because if it's not, then it's
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  like this person can't be trusted.
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  And if I can't trust someone and they're going to hurt me, I'm
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  not going to be hurt and therefore I'm going to, I'm out
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  of here. All right.
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  That's how we think. So trust is paramount with an
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  avoidance. Now, one thing to also keep in
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  mind is that while you can't show too much interest in the
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  beginning, as I said, slow your roll, you also need to show
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  enough interest. And it's a fine line to walk.
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  And I know it's a pain because it's like, well, I don't know,
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  am I showing too much? Am I showing not enough?
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  You're going to have to gauge that yourself by their
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  reactions, because if you're too needy, we see that as weakness.
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  If you're trying to push the relationship along, it's like,
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  no, no, no, no. Slow down, however, if you're
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  acting cool, like, yeah, whatever.
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  I'll see you when I see you. I'll text you when I text you.
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  Then it's like, yeah, I'm not down with that, so I'm out.
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  So you got to find that fine line to walk with an avoidant.
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  If there's one thing and only one thing that an avoidant wants
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  you to know, it's this. And I have a slogan for you.
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  Hey, if you didn't act whack, I wouldn't need to pull back, OK?
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  That's how we think. We don't just pull back just for
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  the hell of it. We're not crazy.
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  If we're into you and everything's going fine, why
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  would we pull back? So if we do pull back, it's
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  because either you start to act needy, meaning that you didn't
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  slow your roll, you made fast moves, you were trying to move
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  the relationship along. We take longer to want to be
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  committed. So while you think, well, we
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  should be in a commitment by now, the avoidance is like, not
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  there yet. Or you didn't show enough
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  interest, you took a long time to respond to a text all of a
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  sudden, or you started acting whack in some other way.
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  And so we pull back. There's always a reason we don't
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  just do it because we're avoidance.
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  All right, So how to get an avoidance back?
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  Well, getting them back is simple, but since most people
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  who are trying to get an X back are trying to get an avoidance
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  back, and they are anxious, it's not easy for you.
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  Because you're anxious, anxious, which means that during no
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  contact, you're going to be breaking No contact, You're
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  going to be contacting them. You're going to be begging.
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  You're going to be writing letters, making the grand
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  gesture, pouring out your feelings.
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  Let me tell you something about pouring out your feelings.
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  If you find yourself in a situation where you feel that
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  you need to quote, UN quote, pour out your feelings, or
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  someone tells you to do that, you've already lost.
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  You're already in trouble. You're you're probably already
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  done. If you find yourself in a
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  situation where you need to do that, that means that you really
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  effed up. It's like, oh, now you're going
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  to share your feelings. The only time you should be
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  pouring out your feelings is on your wedding day when you do
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  your bows pour away on your wedding day.
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  Other than that, pouring out your feelings rarely if ever,
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  helps you to attain whatever goal you're trying to attain.
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  OK, so with the avoidant to get them back, it's super simple.
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  Just leave them alone. That's it.
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  Leave them alone. Unless of course you cheated or
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  took them for granted. And in that case, I do have a
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  video that I did on that and I'll put the link in the upper
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  right hand corner on YouTube. But an avoidant needs to feel
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  the loss. They need to feel like they lost
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  you before they can even think about coming back.
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  And I did a video on that too. What do you know?
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  And I'll put that link in the upper right hand corner.
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  So you reaching out is not going to get them back.
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  It's just going to push them further away.
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  And they know they can take their time and they're going to
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  see you as needy and weak. And it's like, oh God, I didn't
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  know she was so needy. I didn't know he was so weak
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  that if I broke up with them, they're going to act like this
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  because we hate to see weakness or or neediness in both
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  ourselves and in other people. So, you know, as an avoidance,
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  for me it's super simple to do no contact.
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  And I get triggered every time I hear someone say, oh, I broke no
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  contact. I'm like, oh why?
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  Why? I know why.
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  Because you have anxiety, which is why you need to work on it
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  while you're waiting for them to contact you.
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  Because without that anxiety I'm telling you no contact is a
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  piece of cake. When I went through the break
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  break up that led me to then helping other people to get
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  their ex back, I didn't know about no contact at 1st and I
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  had heard at that time about the 30 day rule.
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  So I thought, all right, I'll do 30 days and no contact, and then
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  I'll reach out. No, you know, no big deal.
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  I wasn't like, Oh my God, I got to do 30 days.
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  I was like, sure, no problem, whatever, Just to get out with
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  my life in the meantime. And then, of course, I didn't
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  have to do that because he reached out after two weeks.
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  But people with an avoidant attachment, Stout, we don't have
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  anxiety after a breakup. We're like, OK, no problem, no
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  contact. Sure.
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  How long? Two months.
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  Three months, Not a problem. So you want to get rid of your
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  anxiety so you too can get to that point where no contact is a
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  summer day, a walk on an exotic beach.
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  And Speaking of exotic beaches, Please remember to leave a
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  comment below and let me know what you think of this new video
• 11:41
  format with the photos of exotic beaches from around the world.
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  And in the meantime, if you would like my help to get your
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  ex back, you can contact me at theartoflove.net and we will
• 11:54
  send you the rates. They are not on my website, and
• 11:58
  the direct link to that is below.
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  Every single video and every single podcast.
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  If you found this video helpful, please like, subscribe and
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  share. If you're listening to this as a
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• 12:12
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