Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Conflict, Communication & Having Challenging Conversations - in relationships, during separation & divorce

Transcript

Conflict, Communication & Having Challenging Conversations - in relationships, during separation & divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Anna Arnold, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their lives.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: In soulful, deeply supportive feelings with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love to be completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own chance.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Today I'm going to talk about conflict and communication or how to have a hard conversation.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because let's face it, regardless of where you're at in your particular relationship journey, you're going to have to have some difficult conversations at some point.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: You will tip into conflict at some stage.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: So regardless of whether you're deepening your connection with your current partner, whether you're navigating the messy middle in wondering whether to stay or go, or you are separating and moving forward, you're going to have to have difficult conversations which potentially tip you into conflict.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: So as a first thing, it's really important and helpful to understand and know your own conflict style.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: There are three main conflict styles, and they are validator, which I find really hard to say, validator, avoider, and volatile.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: So are you a validator, an avoider, or a volatile when it comes to conflict?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's go a little bit deeper on each of these.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Validators.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: A validator tends to be fairly positive when conflict arises, but it's often framed in a deflective kind of a way.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: What do I mean by that?
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: For example, if you if you really want some help with some more help from your partner with meal preparation and you ask for that, if he or she is a validator, they might respond with something like, Oh, but you're such a great cook, I love your food, and I really appreciate how much effort you put in.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: So it's validating your request or your complaint, but also deflecting.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: And this type of validation makes you feel your complaint or your request hasn't been heard and leads to more frustration.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: So that's validator.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: An avoider.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is a pretty self-explanatory type of conflict style.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Head in the sand, ostrich type behavior avoids the issue, avoids the conflict.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: So perhaps when a topic is raised or a complaint brought to you, you don't say much at all, but you sit still staring at the floor or staring out the window, avoiding the engagement.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: And again, this leads to frustration and a feeling that we've not been heard.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: If we're engaging with an avoider in a situation, a conversation, a conflict, it leads to frustration and a feeling of not having been heard.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: And the third conflict style is volatile.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now, a volatile is not always explosive or violent.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: A volatile conflict style is where a person is more likely to really dive headfirst into the conflict and often loudly and often with a fair degree of high emotion and drama.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: And the thing about volatiles is that they can often be really overwhelming and even scary to validators and avoiders, all while not intending to be, but they can be overwhelming and scary and tip our avoiders and validators further down into their avoidant or validating conflict style.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: So, firstly, it's really helpful to recognize are you and is the other person you're communicating with more likely to be a validator, an avoider, or a volatile because that automatically sets the tone or the foundation for the interaction.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Which leads me to my second point, which is set the tone or declare, even if it's just to yourself, your intention for the interaction.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: So if you know you're heading into a tricky conversation that is potentially going to bring up conflict, set the tone and declare your intention.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely key to having a successful, even if difficult, conversation.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: So a successful interaction is setting the tone and the intent.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: So set your intention for it to be a calm, collaborative, cooperative conversation.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Give up your need to be right or to win or to drag a confession or an admission out of the other party.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Decide that you want to solve the issue or resolve the problem rather than win.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: So set your intention and set the tone for the engagement.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, it's not a battle to be won or lost, it's a conversation.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: So go in with the expectation that your partner, your ex, your co-parent will likely have something to say that is important for you to hear.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: You might not want to hear it, but they're likely to have something to share, something to offer that is important for you to hear.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: So go in with the intention that it's a conversation, it's a two-way thing, and it's not a win-lose battle.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: Go in with a resolution, win-win focused mindset, leaving your ego at the door.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: And this is really, really important because your ego, when it shows up, when it gets in the way, it's like a weapon.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's like you're pulling out the big guns.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Your ego will want you to win at all costs.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: So you need to park your ego at the door.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because if we show up in our ego energy, we automatically immediately put the other person on guard, they will feel that energy and automatically become defensive.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: So leave your ego at the door.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, coming from someone with a really healthy ego, I have needed to learn this lesson personally.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, sometimes I forget it is a lifelong learning journey, but leaving your ego at the door, going in with an energy of kindness and compassion and collaboration will lead you through a tricky conversation far more successfully than showing up in your ego.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: The next thing or things that I wanted to talk about here are the four horsemen.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: And they were first defined, I suppose, by Dr.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: John Gottman of the Gottman Institute, world-renowned therapist, known for his work and research on marital or relationship stability and his ability to predict divorce.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: So he uses these, what he calls the four horsemen, to predict success or otherwise longevity of a relationship.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I thought I'll talk to them here because when they show up in a relationship, when they show up in a conversation, they railroad it.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: So what are they?
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Criticism.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now, criticism is destructive, it's different from a complaint, it's a personal attack against the other person's character.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: And when criticism comes into a relationship, when it becomes a habit, it creates ongoing and escalating conflict that erodes your connection and really damages the relationship.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: So criticism creates a lack of safety in a relationship.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: A relationship filled with criticism or where criticism regularly shows up feels emotionally unsafe.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: Contempt.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Contempt is a really hurtful, harmful way of showing up or showing disrespect in our relationship.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: It might include mocking the other person, using sarcasm or ridicule, calling names, mimicking, or even it shows up in body language like rolling your eyes.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Allowing contempt to come into our interactions, into our relationship makes our partner or the other person in the interaction feel inferior, belittled, disliked, and unworthy.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: The next of the four horsemen is defensiveness, and defensiveness is a natural and normal response to being attacked, or I really should say to a perceived attack.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: And when we allow defensiveness into our relationships, into our interactions, we are essentially refusing to take responsibility for our own behavior or refusing to own up to our part.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: And we defend, deflect, and blame our partner, so we externalize.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: So that's stonewalling.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: So speaking to these four horsemen helps us recognize when or if they show up in our engagements, in our interactions, in our communications, because anytime any one of them shows up, we are actually tipped out of connection.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: And we get stuck, we get frustrated, and we are unable to move the conversation forward towards a resolution.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: So we need to know what they are so we can recognize when they show up.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: So, how to make a hard conversation a successful one?
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk through some of the steps that you can take.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: So we've talked about setting the tone of your interaction or your communication.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Next step is to be mindful and intentional in your communication.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: Mind your energy, what sort of energy are you bringing to the interaction?
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Are you already bringing an energy of conflict into the communication, or are you bringing an energy that is peaceful and collaborative and open to resolution?
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: So be mindful of your energy.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: What are you bringing into the conversation?
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: Also be mindful to stay present in the moment rather than future tripping or bringing in the past.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: So by that I mean stay present and focus on the issue, this issue.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: Focus on the fight if it's a fight, focus on the conflict if it's a conflict, whatever the issue is, focus on that.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: Make it about the issue and definitely not about the person.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: So avoid using words like always or never, which take us out of the moment.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: They take us to the future or the past.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: So be mindful to stay focused in the present moment and on this particular issue.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: Being mindful and intentional in our interactions allows us to stop those four horsemen from riding in.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: When we show up with criticism or contempt or defensiveness, or we start stonewalling, we can become a trigger to the other person.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: We trip them or trigger them into fight-flight.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: So we become a threat, we become scary, which disconnects them, takes them out of the moment, and railroads the conversation.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: So stop being scary by allowing those horsemen to ride on in with you into this interaction.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now sometimes that shut down, the stonewalling is a defensive response to criticism or a perceived aggression or hostility, andor it can be simply a desire to not engage in conflict.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: So if you or your partner is someone who dislikes conflict, and for many that comes from family of origin, if you don't like conflict, we often use that defensiveness or the stonewalling to prevent us having to step into a situation which may lead to conflict.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: So it's an avoidance tactic.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: At other times we might show up as intense and passionate and loud, being a little bit dramatic or overly expressive.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing about being loud: the louder you get, the less your listener will be able to hear you.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: No one ever changed their mind.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: No one ever changes their mind because they get effectively shouted at.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: So quiet, calm, gentle, open, welcoming, allowing your listener to step closer without feeling fearful or triggered.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: So staying mindful, staying focused on the issue, staying in the present helps you prevent you bringing your horsemen in, and it also opens a doorway for your listener to step in so that they're not triggered and then their horsemen come riding on in.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: Moving through a difficult conversation, moving through conflict also asks that we be vulnerable, that we be willing to go deeper than our triggers, that we be willing to go underneath any anger or frustration.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: Most often, anger is a secondary emotion, and underneath anger is fear.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're feeling that anger and that frustration bubble up in your communication, or you you even before you go in, you know it's going to bubble up.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: Dig down underneath.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: What are you fearing?
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: What are you afraid of?
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: What's coming up for you?
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you being triggered?
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: And then also, what is your listeners' fear?
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's your ex or your current partner, your co-parent, what's underneath their anger or their frustration?
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: Is it a fear of losing control?
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: If is it a fear of not being heard?
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: Is it a fear of dot dot dot insert your fear and insert for your partner or your listeners?
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: So connect with the fear and also the pain that goes underneath the fear.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's going even a layer deeper.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: So to do that really demands that we be vulnerable.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you're having a conversation with someone who is not your intimate partner, it might be your ex-partner, your co-parent, you don't need to share that vulnerability with them.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: It is more about a personal exploration of what you are bringing into the interaction, the engagement, the communication.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: What is coming up for you?
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: How can you soothe that so that you can stay mindful and present in the interaction?
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: Being vulnerable in our communication also requires that we accept we are part of the problem.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: That it's not just a one-way thing, we are part of the problem.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: If there's an issue between you and another person, you are part of the problem.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: You're also part of the potential solution.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: But admitting your part, your role in creating the issue really takes courage and vulnerability.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: Now, again, if you're involved in a conflict with somebody like an ex-partner that you don't really want to be fully vulnerable with, you don't have to share this.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: But it is a powerful thing to admit your part in the in creating the issue and admitting that you are part of the problem and also part of the solution.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: And going on from that, another form of vulnerability in our engagements with other human beings is accepting that there are always going to be different perspectives.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: And it takes courage and vulnerability to step down from our own position and to really honour and accept that there are at least two different perspectives in any one engagement or interaction or any one issue, any one conflict.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: But when we accept different versions or perspectives and we really honestly accept that both are equally true and equally valid, when we can accept that it opens up the space for understanding and for resolution where both parties are happy.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: We're not looking to push our own perspective and drive home our point to the other person so that they succumb.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: We're looking for win-win.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: And speaking of battles in inverted commas, it's really important to choose our battles.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: Is this really, is this issue really important enough to argue about?
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: Does it matter that much?
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: And when I think about that, I often think, okay, is this going to matter in 12 months' time?
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: Is it going to matter in five years' time?
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: If the answer is yes, it will still matter, it is important enough to argue about.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: What are you willing to allow so that this relationship, this particular relationship can flourish and move forward?
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now by saying this, I am not saying that we should settle or accept shitty behaviour.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, no, I'm not saying that.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: But I am saying ask yourself: will this matter tomorrow?
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: Will this matter next week, next month, next year?
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: Will this matter in five years' time?
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: Is it important enough to you to bring to the table so you can find a resolution?
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: Or is it just not going to matter in a year or five years' time?
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: Choose your battles.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: Another aspect of being vulnerable in our conflict or difficult communications is to lay down our defenses.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: So, in part, we've talked about that in terms of not allowing those four horsemen to come riding in, not allowing them to show up.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because primarily they're defensive mechanisms that we roll out to protect ourselves from a perceived threat or fear.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: So can you lay down your defenses?
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: Can you get undefended?
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now you can only do this in a relationship where there's common trust.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: You can only be undefended where you know you are safe, and I mean emotionally.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: So it takes, as I said before, accepting your part in whatever topic or issue is being discussed rather than just hitting the ball back over the net and denying, denying.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Denying everything, denying all charges.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: Take responsibility for your part in it.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: Look for the golden nugget of truth in the pile of poo that your partner is dumping at your feet.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: If they are the one bringing the issue to you, they are the one with the complaint or the issue, the challenge, there will be a nugget of truth in what they bring to you.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: So by getting undefended, you'll be able to find that little nugget.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: It might only be little, but it will be there.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: There will be a kernel of truth somewhere in what they're bringing to you.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: There'll be a little bit of truth in the complaint that they're bringing to you.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: By getting undefended, by dropping down those defensive walls, we can start to explore what part of this is mine to own, what's my learning here?
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: And that leads us towards a resolution.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: Being undefended builds connection, it builds intimacy, it builds closeness.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: So you can step towards one another and you can co-create a resolution.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: Really good communication requires also that we listen.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: To hear, to understand, you have to be ready to listen and to deeply actively listen, not just wait for your turn to speak.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I chuckle there because that's been one of my big learnings about being in a relationship.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: I need to listen.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: I love to fix things, I love to solve problems, I love to jump right in and go, yep, we're gonna do this, this, this, this, and this.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: So much so that sometimes I forget to just pause and listen.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's really important that we listen with curiosity.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: We listen with a really deep, unconditional interest in understanding what's being said and understanding the person who is speaking.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: Set aside your own point of view because listening is all about the other person, not about ourselves.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: Your partner, your child, your co-parent needs first and foremost to be truly clearly heard, not just offered an alternative perspective or opinion.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: Not to have you jump in and say, yeah, but hear your partner out to the end.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: Listen with a really open heart and try to empathize.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_00: Try to listen with compassion and kindness, as I said, parking your judgment.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: Just listen.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: And then reflect back what you thought you heard.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because maybe what you thought you heard wasn't actually what was said.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: Reflect back to the other person what you heard and ask for clarification.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: I heard you say, X, Y, Z, is that right?
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: As I said before, listen, understand before trying to fix.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: Being heard and feeling understood is the key to connection and communication.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_00: And so to really hear, to see, to understand, we first need to listen.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: And it's easy to forget.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's easy to just listen for our next opportunity to speak.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: So deeply really listen.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: Listen to hear and understand.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: Listen with a view to understanding so that you can both get to the place where you say, Yes, you understand me, my issue, or the issue I'm bringing here, you understand my experience.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't mean we have to agree, but listen to reach understanding.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: Another really important component of conflict and communication is to be able to soothe ourselves.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're feeling triggered, if you're fired up, you will not be responding or communicating calmly.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's just not possible, even for the most enlightened humans, to respond well and gracefully if we're triggered.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: When our emotions are heightened, our reptilian brain kicks in, takes over, and it hijacks our thinking brain.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: Our amygdala hijacks our much smarter, rational, logical frontal lobes.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: Without getting too technical about it, it is part of the fight-flight response.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_00: And it happens when a situation causes your amygdala to hijack control of your response to stress.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: It disables the frontal lobes, which is where you make logical, rational decisions and activates that fight-flight response.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_00: And without your frontal lobes in full action or full engagement, you can't think clearly, you can't make rational decisions, and you can't really control your responses because your control has been hijacked by the amygdala.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: So if your desired outcome is a resolution of an issue, if your desired outcome is a calm collaborative communication and a calm pathway through conflict, when you feel triggered, it is a reminder to calm yourself, to soothe yourself.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: And that might mean disengaging and taking a time out, but feeling triggered is a really strong indicator that you are headed for an amygdala hijack and you are not going to be making good decisions.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: So hard as it feels and strange as it sounds, it is a time to actually drop your weapons and tone down your energy.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: And as I said, to do that, you might need to take a time out.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: You might need a reach, a reset and a recharge.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_00: If the other person that you're engaging with is coming at you heated and fiery, it's also an indication to soothe yourself.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's an invitation, I should say, really, to soothe yourself.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: If they're coming at you with that high angry energy, don't match the fire with more fire.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_00: Anchor into whatever it takes for you to self-soothe, for you to lower rather than raise your energy, and you might find that your other person also drops their energy.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_00: Meeting fire with calm can actually help diffuse its power.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: So work on recognizing your triggers, even preempting them, particularly if it's a situation where you know you're going into a potentially tricky conversation or a situation of conflict.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_00: Preempt.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_00: Know that X might trigger me, Y might trigger me.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to be on the lookout for that.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to use these strategies to self-soothe, to calm down, and to bring myself back into the present, to tone down the energy, to allow myself to be mindful.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: Easy to say, not always easy to do, and so it takes practice and as I said, preempting and having those tools in your backpack as you go into an inga into an interaction that is potentially going to be one of conflict.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: And so getting to a resolution.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_00: If we're going to get to a resolution, we actually have to ask for what we need.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_00: And it's important that we ask for what we do need rather than state what we don't want or don't need.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: A negative emotion is often, no, not often, it's always a message.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's shining a light for you to recognize an unmet need or a hidden wish.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna say that again.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: A negative emotion is a messenger that is shining a light on an unmet need or a hidden wish.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_00: So when you feel a negative emotion coming up, either in an interaction or when you are thinking about and planning ahead for an interaction, a commun a tricky communication, think about the negative emotion and explore what's underneath it.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_00: Particularly if you find you want to serve up criticism, often underneath our desire or the feeling that we need to offer this criticism is an unmet need or an unfulfilled wish.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_00: If you are, for example, going to criticize your partner for always being late, what is the unmet need or the hidden wish in that criticism?
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's more about being valued, it's more about, or is it more about being valued?
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: Is it more about really desiring more intimate time, one-on-one time with your partner?
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: What is the hidden wish underneath the criticism you're about to serve up?
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_00: And can you reframe it and ask for what you need?
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_00: Can you reframe a potential criticism as a desire, as a wish?
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_00: I would really love for us to spend more time together of an evening.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_00: I really love it when we have the opportunity to spend one-on-one time together of an evening, and I'm really looking forward to that next week.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_00: So whenever you can, frame a request in the positive.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_00: Also explore transforming your negative emotions, especially any criticisms you might want to offer at your partner, into wishes.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_00: Criticisms, unmet needs, hidden wishes, what is the wish, and communicate the wish.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, focus on solutions.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_00: Way back at the beginning, I talked about this not being a battle to be won or lost, but a conversation to be had.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_00: So focus on what you want after, what you want to come out of this conversation.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_00: What is the resolution?
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_00: What would feel like this issue has been resolved?
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_00: What's your desired outcome?
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_00: And invite your co-parent, your partner to offer a solution and an alternative.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_00: What's the third option?
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you want A and he wants Z, you want X, she wants Y, what's the third option?
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_00: One where both of you get a little of what you want, and rather than being a compromise where both of you only get a little bit of what you want, is there a third alternative, a third option that satisfies both?
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_00: Negotiate to win win rather than win-lose.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: Focus on solutions, focus on what you do want, focus on what is positive in this interaction and this engagement.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_00: What's the outcome that feels good to both of you?
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_00: And to do this, we need to anchor into empathy.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_00: Empathy is our ability to understand and almost experience someone else's situation, someone else's reality, someone else's feelings on a deep level to understand it and almost as if we're sharing the experience ourselves.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_00: So, regardless of whether you think what your other person is bringing to the conversation, whether it's right, wrong, crazy, or otherwise, look for the feelings that your partner's bringing up that they're showing, that they're expressing, and lean into, anchor into empathy and accept that what they're bringing is their reality.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_00: So try and make sense of what they say they're feeling.
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_00: Empathy doesn't mean you have to agree 100% with someone else, it simply means that you understand that what they are feeling is valid and real to them.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_00: And showing empathy means that you can say to your partner, you can say to your co-parent, it makes perfect sense to me that you're feeling XYZ about this situation.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to agree, but offering them empathy, it makes perfect sense to me that you are feeling like that is a powerful, powerful tool to connection and to creating a win-win outcome, a resolution.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_00: So having hard conversations really, really asks us to dig deep and connect to ourselves first.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_00: In understanding our own conflict style, in acknowledging when we allow the four horsemen to show up, if we've previously allowed the four horsemen to show up, and to committing to not allowing them room in our interactions or relationships.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_00: Committing to courage and vulnerability and self-soothing, to toning down our energy or drama, being focused on the outcome, on a resolution that feels good for everybody rather than winning.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_00: It asks that we understand our tendency to want to be right and to win and instead anchor into empathy and be focused on the issue because that's what's going to best serve the relationship.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_00: So having hard conversations really challenges us to know ourselves well enough to preempt our triggers, to heal the underlying wounds, and to stand in our power, but in a gentle power, in a gentle power of self-awareness.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_00: And as I've mentioned a couple of times throughout this podcast episode, and I say it with a smile because I'm sharing from personal experience, it's a lifelong learning journey.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_00: But it's a journey that leads us closer to the deeply connected, soulful relationships that we crave.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so thank you for sharing this journey with me to communication that leads us closer to connection.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you've got something out of this episode that you can carry with you into your next communication, and I hope that it serves you to navigate tricky conversations and conflict with a little more courage and a whole lot more confidence, and that it leads you to closer to the deeply connected relationship that you're craving.
• 36:47
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 36:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 37:18
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.