Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 113. Ask US Anything (For Real) – fun, curious, and bold - Besties questions that go THERE 🫶🔥👏

Transcript

113. Ask US Anything (For Real) – fun, curious, and bold - Besties questions that go THERE 🫶🔥👏 · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

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Speaker 1: Apodjay Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy
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Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana. This podcast is about female empowerment.
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Speaker 2: And encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most
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Speaker 2: authentic version of yourself.
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Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
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Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
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Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.
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Speaker 3: Get ready for your next level of self.
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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to she Rises. We've got quite
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Speaker 1: a cute episode today, but before we actually get into it,
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Speaker 1: let's do our shares of the week. Yes, so mine
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Speaker 1: is just something I'm going to read out to all
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Speaker 1: of you that I think we all just need to
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Speaker 1: hear a little bit more often. You are not a machine.
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Speaker 1: You're a soul who needs music, connection, sunsets, laughter, and
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Speaker 1: small pockets of joy. Prioritize them like your life depends
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Speaker 1: on it, because it does. Life isn't meant to be
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Speaker 1: a cycle of stress and survival. Pause, look up, Let
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Speaker 1: the sunset remind you you're here to live, not just hustle.
1:02
Speaker 1: Life is not meant to be a big to do list.
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Speaker 1: It's a gift to walk slower, hug longer, laugh, louder
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Speaker 1: and love deeper. The clock may be ticking, but your
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Speaker 1: presence is timeless. We've been conditioned to believe that the
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Speaker 1: constant productivity equals worth, but humans weren't designed for endless output.
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Speaker 1: We need moments of wonder, connection, and rest, not as
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Speaker 1: rewards for hard work, but as essential ingredients for a
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Speaker 1: meaningful life. Isn't that so beautiful? It's so nice a
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Speaker 1: reminder I think we all need. I feel like we
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Speaker 1: need to hear that more often. Put it on our walls. Yeah,
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Speaker 1: every day I've been kinder to ourselves.
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Speaker 3: It's so beautiful.
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Speaker 2: My share of the week is actually to do with
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Speaker 2: skin care. So I've been following this girl online who
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Speaker 2: talks about skin flooding, and basically what that is is
1:46
Speaker 2: she just like hydrates her skin like crazy with like
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Speaker 2: Tona's and sprays and things like that before she does
1:52
Speaker 2: her skin care. And she has like the Glossier skin
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Speaker 2: It's insane. There's this one product that I've been absolutely
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Speaker 2: obsessed with that I've already gone through three cans.
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Speaker 3: It's called grape water.
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Speaker 1: Yes life starting.
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Speaker 3: You know, it's really good.
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Speaker 2: So I use it morning night and like you spray
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Speaker 2: it on your face. For like seven seconds, like the
2:08
Speaker 2: fax gets quite wet. But it's from a brand called
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Speaker 2: I'm probably gonna butcher this colderly So it's c au
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Speaker 2: Da l i E and it's great border you can
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Speaker 2: buy it at Sephora. Honestly, hands down one of the
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Speaker 2: best products that I've used.
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Speaker 1: How cool. Alrighty, So today we're going to ask each
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Speaker 1: other ten hard questions. Well, it's a bit of it hard,
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Speaker 1: just rogue rogue, deep questions. I've obviously written mine to Tiana,
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Speaker 1: she's written hers to me, and we both don't know
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Speaker 1: what we're going to ask each other. Yes, so it's
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Speaker 1: almost like a bit of a mystery episode. But they're
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Speaker 1: gonna be really deep and beautiful. I think it's going
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Speaker 1: to spark some awesome conversations. And if you like conversation cards,
2:44
Speaker 1: could be cool questions that you could also write down
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Speaker 1: and do with your friends or your family. I love
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Speaker 1: a good conversation card path.
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Speaker 2: Absolutely, and this is something that we do even when
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Speaker 2: we have little staycase, we are always you know, asking
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Speaker 2: each other deeper questions. So we thought, why not bring
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Speaker 2: it to the podcast and actually do it live?
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Speaker 1: Okay, cool, are you ready? I'll go first?
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Speaker 2: Do it.
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Speaker 3: Let's go.
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Speaker 1: Was there a moment you wish I was there for
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Speaker 1: but I wasn't And what was it? And how do
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Speaker 1: you think it would have changed what had happened if
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Speaker 1: I was there for you?
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Speaker 3: Oh, that's a really good question.
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Speaker 2: The first thing that comes to mind is my friendship
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Speaker 2: breakdown with my last best friend.
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Speaker 3: I feel like I was really.
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Speaker 2: Alone in that time and I didn't know how to
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Speaker 2: process what it was that I was feeling. I blamed
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Speaker 2: myself for that situation, and at that point in my life,
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Speaker 2: I was really deep in like taking overly taking responsibility,
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Speaker 2: but to the point where it was unproductive, Like it
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Speaker 2: was Yeah, it was like I was really shaming myself,
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Speaker 2: making myself feel wrong, and like just punishing myself for
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Speaker 2: the experience basically. And something that you've taught me in
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Speaker 2: now friendship is you help me balance that out where
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Speaker 2: anytime I'm overly taking responsibility, you'd like, no, that's theirs,
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Speaker 2: give that to them and take responsibility for what's yours.
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Speaker 2: And you feel like you really helped balance me out
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Speaker 2: in that. I think I would have really loved to
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Speaker 2: have your friendship and your love and just your support
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Speaker 2: in that time of my life because I feel like
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Speaker 2: I was abandoned for parts of myself that I already judged,
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Speaker 2: whereas like I don't feel that with you, like you
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Speaker 2: don't judge me for when I'm anxious or when anything
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Speaker 2: comes up for me, like you love me in my
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Speaker 2: entirety of who I am as a woman, And yeah,
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Speaker 2: I would have loved to have that then, because I
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Speaker 2: feel like it just would have helped me get through
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Speaker 2: it better.
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Speaker 1: Oh that's beautiful. Yeah, yeah, And I wish I could
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Speaker 1: have been there for that, because I think I would
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Speaker 1: have held you really well on that and reminded you
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Speaker 1: of who you are and that you are not too
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Speaker 1: much in those parts of yourself that she couldn't hold
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Speaker 1: that I could hold easily, which I do now. You know,
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Speaker 1: I just love you more for it, right I can.
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Speaker 2: What's one part of you that you are still learning
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Speaker 2: how to love?
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Speaker 1: Oh? I think my fiery side, like I love her
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Speaker 1: sometimes and sometimes I'm like, oh, turn it down. But
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Speaker 1: I think I've shamed myself for having a fiery side
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Speaker 1: before because it comes across to other people as aggressive,
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Speaker 1: and then it comes across to other people as really passionate.
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Speaker 1: So I'm trying to like find that middle ground of
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Speaker 1: loving that fire, because a coach once said this to me.
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Speaker 1: Without my fire, I wouldn't have done all the things
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Speaker 1: I've done. My fire is what leads, it's what spreads,
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Speaker 1: and it does big things, like when I'm on stage
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Speaker 1: in front of thousands of people, that is fire. Yeah,
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Speaker 1: that's not chill, that's you're getting shit done, your big
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Speaker 1: expanse of your bride. You're passionate, passionate. Yeah, you're spreading
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Speaker 1: like wildfire, like you're spreading your love, your excitement, your enthusiasm,
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Speaker 1: your lessons, your wisdom like that fire is beautiful. But yeah,
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Speaker 1: I think I've shamed myself for being fiery. Sometimes I
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Speaker 1: think I'm still on the path of Sometimes that it
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Speaker 1: kind of pops back in and I'm like, oh do
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Speaker 1: I love that?
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Speaker 3: Do I not?
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Speaker 1: Coulda done that better?
5:39
Speaker 3: Yeah?
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Speaker 1: How can I love more of that?
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Speaker 2: So yeah, I think that part of me like old
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Speaker 2: cheeky stories coming up around the fiery part.
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Speaker 1: So yeah, and being aggressive and what's the story that's
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Speaker 1: too much? It's not lovable. Yeah, it's not acceptable. People
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Speaker 1: will leave you for it, like the abandonment wound comes
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Speaker 1: into it. Yeah, scene is too much? Scene is not kind. Yeah,
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Speaker 1: a lot of perceptions of what other people may think
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Speaker 1: of me. You're having fire.
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Speaker 2: That's interesting what you said about some people see it
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Speaker 2: is aggressive and some seed is passionate. It really is
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Speaker 2: dependent on the receiver behave.
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Speaker 1: Where they're out.
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Speaker 3: Yeah.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, I love your firing, Stephanie. Having the alter ego
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Speaker 1: name has really helped me. And when I see fire
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Speaker 1: and other girls too, I'm like, fuck, yeah that means
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Speaker 1: something to you.
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Speaker 3: It's empowering.
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Speaker 1: It's lit up for a reason. Yeah, and bring that forward,
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Speaker 1: like why would you shut that down? So I'm like
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Speaker 1: when I get that to other one and I'm like,
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Speaker 1: why would I not give that to myself? But it's
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Speaker 1: still a work in progress, so fully there yet.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, Yeah, that's okay.
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Speaker 1: If no one was to ever judge you, what would
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Speaker 1: you do differently in your life? Like would you teach differently?
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Speaker 1: Would you show up differently? Would you talk differently? If
6:42
Speaker 1: there's no judgments?
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Speaker 3: Oh that's a good question.
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Speaker 1: Steve asked me this question the other day. It's why
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Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I want to ask you.
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Speaker 3: Can you repeat it for me, babe?
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Speaker 1: Yeah? If no one was to judge you on anything,
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Speaker 1: what would you do differently. I think I would show
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Speaker 1: more of my humor. That's cool.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel like in certain environments when I don't
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Speaker 2: feel fully comfortable, I can be quite reserved when I
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Speaker 2: don't feel fully safe fully noon and like, I don't
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Speaker 2: think that's a bad thing, but I think even when
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Speaker 2: I show up on social media and things like that,
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Speaker 2: there's a whole side to me that is like big personality, silly,
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Speaker 2: big personality, silly, funny, funny, sexual, Like I love humor.
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Speaker 3: I'm very playful.
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Speaker 2: I do. It's a very if I could label it,
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Speaker 2: it's a very cheeky energy.
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Speaker 3: It is very cheeky.
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Speaker 2: And I feel like I don't show enough of that side.
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Speaker 2: And I feel like sometimes in certain environments I have
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Speaker 2: to dim that down. I'm a little bit scared of
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Speaker 2: how people will receive that part of me. And also
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Speaker 2: in the past, that part of me has got me into.
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Speaker 3: Trouble, do you know what I mean.
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Speaker 2: So it's like sometimes it can be misconstrued. Sometimes it
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Speaker 2: can be taken the wrong way, or somebody doesn't take
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Speaker 2: a joke the right way, or they think I'm.
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Speaker 3: Flirting with them or like, you know.
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Speaker 2: So it's I think because of that I've toned it down,
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Speaker 2: but it is a huge part of who I am,
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Speaker 2: and I think, yeah, if I didn't care what people thought,
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Speaker 2: I would express that more on social media when I'm
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Speaker 2: making my coaching videos, when I'm posting, when I'm talking,
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Speaker 2: and just be less coached on it and more just
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Speaker 2: like fucking embodied.
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Speaker 3: That's so cool.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, I love the cheeky side of you. So funny.
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Speaker 1: It was actually so funny.
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Speaker 3: I love it too.
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Speaker 2: It feels good to be in that energy. It feels
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Speaker 2: like a big part of who I am.
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Speaker 1: But it feels like it can be judged. It's not. Yeah,
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Speaker 1: you don't feel fully safe and embodied, and it yet
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Speaker 1: to do it whenever, whenever.
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Speaker 2: Yes, abound, whoever, And I think the last twelve months
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Speaker 2: has really been about that for me, really stepping into
8:25
Speaker 2: myself more and owning myself no matter what room I'm in.
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Speaker 2: So I'm still learning and there's always new levels to that, right,
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Speaker 2: there's every new level. There's a new devil, so there's
8:35
Speaker 2: that too. But yeah, this is probably the most embodied
8:38
Speaker 2: that I've ever been, which is nice.
8:39
Speaker 1: But it's really cool, long way ago work in progress. Yes,
8:41
Speaker 1: we all laugh about the human experience, isn't it.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, when was the last time that you felt completely
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Speaker 2: misunderstood or judged? And what do you wish someone would
8:49
Speaker 2: have asked you or considered.
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Speaker 1: I think in a previous friendship breakdown, I chose to
8:57
Speaker 1: be quiet and to not speak share my experience, my truth,
9:05
Speaker 1: and that led to being very misunderstood and judged because
9:10
Speaker 1: there was a certain narrative that was created and when
9:14
Speaker 1: someone doesn't speak, I feel like it almost makes you
9:17
Speaker 1: look guilty and the only thing to believe is the
9:20
Speaker 1: narrative that is being created. On the other side, I
9:23
Speaker 1: always think that two people have their own experiences and
9:26
Speaker 1: it's their own truth that should always be there, you know.
9:30
Speaker 1: But yeah, I feel that was really hard because I
9:33
Speaker 1: just had to accept that I was going to be judged,
9:36
Speaker 1: misunderstood and people were going to believe a narrative that
9:39
Speaker 1: is out there, and I kind of don't blame them
9:41
Speaker 1: because I wasn't speaking up. I chose to do that
9:44
Speaker 1: because I didn't want to partake in anything online it
9:47
Speaker 1: could cause more drama or any harm to anyone on
9:51
Speaker 1: the other side, because it's not how I want to be.
9:53
Speaker 1: It's not the example I want to be to woman
9:54
Speaker 1: to my daughter. Yeah, but it was really hard. Yeah,
9:57
Speaker 1: they just had to kind of copy it and suffer
9:59
Speaker 1: in silence. But yeah, that was tricky. Yeah that was hard,
10:03
Speaker 1: hit a whole really hard. Yeah, really hard to hold,
10:05
Speaker 1: really consuming too.
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Speaker 2: Like hard to accept that this is the narrative that
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Speaker 2: is being betrayed and not being able to do anything
10:12
Speaker 2: about it. Yeah. And I could have for choosing to
10:15
Speaker 2: be like so to speak, like the bigger person and
10:17
Speaker 2: just like be above, like rise above.
10:18
Speaker 1: For sure, I could have said and did so much,
10:21
Speaker 1: but I was like, no, that's not what I want
10:23
Speaker 1: to do. So yeah, that was probably the last time. Yeah,
10:26
Speaker 1: it's hard, like cop things on the chin like that.
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Speaker 1: It is, especially in front of a large audience.
10:30
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, we got eyes on your spotlight on you. Yeah,
10:33
Speaker 2: that's a lot to hold.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely, thank you for sharing. If your pain and
10:39
Speaker 1: sadness could speak right now, what would it say? You're
10:44
Speaker 1: on a good day tonight. If my pain and sadness
10:48
Speaker 1: could speak right now, what would it say.
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Speaker 2: I don't know if I'm going to answer this correctly,
10:53
Speaker 2: but I just feel like I've been struggling to keep
10:55
Speaker 2: it all together lately, you know, like feeling like I'm
10:59
Speaker 2: falling behind, feeling like an imposter, feeling like I'm failing,
11:03
Speaker 2: Feeling who the fuck do I think I am to
11:07
Speaker 2: be doing all the things that I'm doing.
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Speaker 3: I think that I can succeed.
11:10
Speaker 2: In it, you know, And also, yeah, just feeling like
11:14
Speaker 2: I'm chasing my tail a bit at the moment. Yeah,
11:16
Speaker 2: It's felt like that for a couple of weeks, trying
11:18
Speaker 2: to get everything done, trying to manage everything, trying to
11:20
Speaker 2: manage my time better, trying to get on top of
11:21
Speaker 2: myself and taking care of myself and taking care of
11:24
Speaker 2: all the other things that I've got going on, and
11:26
Speaker 2: making sure that everything stays afloat and is of good quality.
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Speaker 2: And that's the thing, the pressure that I feel like
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Speaker 2: I'm putting on myself.
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Speaker 1: Beautiful. Yeah, yeah, yeah, does that answer your question? Definitely?
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Speaker 3: Yeah.
11:37
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's cool just even to say it out loud,
11:38
Speaker 1: like I don't have to give you advice here, It's
11:40
Speaker 1: just like that's there for you. Yeah, it's cool for
11:43
Speaker 1: you to be aware of that and like accept that
11:45
Speaker 1: and love on yourself on that I love on you,
11:47
Speaker 1: and that it's not going to be there forever. It's
11:49
Speaker 1: just what you're feeling right now, that's real. That's okay,
11:51
Speaker 1: it doesn't he fixing.
11:52
Speaker 2: Yes, that's true. I think it was more. It was
11:55
Speaker 2: felt stronger. I still lingers like it's definitely there, but
11:57
Speaker 2: it felt stronger when I got sick last week. Yeah,
12:00
Speaker 2: it was really loud, like really loud. It was like
12:02
Speaker 2: the biggest thing that I was thinking of, and I
12:03
Speaker 2: was like, Fuck, this week is just to be tough,
12:05
Speaker 2: and that's going to be okay, And I've just got
12:07
Speaker 2: to ride the wave and keep swimming and just get
12:10
Speaker 2: through this discomfort. And I know like eventually, when I
12:12
Speaker 2: start feeling better, I'll start thinking better too. Yes, just
12:15
Speaker 2: right now, that just feels true for me. It's just
12:17
Speaker 2: a lot of stacking. Yeah, my fear and my dad
12:20
Speaker 2: and my scared little girl who's pushing beyond her comfort
12:24
Speaker 2: zone and doing things she's never done before.
12:25
Speaker 1: And stretching herself.
12:27
Speaker 3: Yeah.
12:28
Speaker 1: Where in life have you experienced the deepest pain and
12:31
Speaker 1: the deepest joy. Probably my intimate relationship with Steve, I
12:36
Speaker 1: would say, yeah, yeah, Yeah, we've been together seventeen years
12:40
Speaker 1: and there's definitely been a lot of painful times and
12:42
Speaker 1: challenges and things that we've navigated together. But also like
12:46
Speaker 1: the most joyous moments together as well being a team,
12:49
Speaker 1: having children together, accomplishments, travel, all the highs of life
12:54
Speaker 1: I've got to do with him, Like I spent half
12:55
Speaker 1: my life with him.
12:56
Speaker 3: Yeah.
12:57
Speaker 1: Wow, yeah, i'd say my intimate relationship. Yeah that's cool.
13:03
Speaker 3: Yea makes sense.
13:04
Speaker 1: Relationships the biggest, like biggest challenge of your growth. Hey
13:08
Speaker 1: oh yeah, yep. You can't hide, you can't run there,
13:12
Speaker 1: you catch you. Where in life do you feel like
13:17
Speaker 1: the most like yourself where you can be yourself.
13:19
Speaker 3: In our friendship? Yeah?
13:21
Speaker 2: Yeah, It's been the most the most healing thing for
13:25
Speaker 2: so many reasons, and I've shared all of them with
13:28
Speaker 2: you already, you know. But yeah, our friendship, I feel
13:30
Speaker 2: like there is no no side of me that can't
13:33
Speaker 2: come out, There's no side of me that isn't loved,
13:35
Speaker 2: there's no rock unturned, like you know everything about me,
13:39
Speaker 2: you know, Yeah.
13:41
Speaker 3: And I can just be all of who I am.
13:42
Speaker 2: And even if I am exploring new sides to myself,
13:46
Speaker 2: I feel like you explore them with me. Yeah, there's
13:48
Speaker 2: no judgment, there's just curiosity. It's like I'm exploring myself
13:51
Speaker 2: and discovering who I am, and you discover them with
13:53
Speaker 2: mesa and that's really fun, so cool, Yeah, beautiful.
13:57
Speaker 3: Yeah.
13:58
Speaker 2: Oh what's something that you used to define you that
14:01
Speaker 2: no longer does?
14:02
Speaker 1: I think success? They used to wrap a lot of
14:05
Speaker 1: my worth and who I was and how successful I was,
14:08
Speaker 1: Whereas that's like feel so far away. Now it's more
14:11
Speaker 1: of who I am and the impact I make and
14:13
Speaker 1: how I show up in the world and how make
14:15
Speaker 1: people feel. Yeah, that feels more true for me now
14:18
Speaker 1: as it used to be. Yeah, how successful I was.
14:20
Speaker 1: You think that would define the way that you would
14:22
Speaker 1: show up, Yeah, definitely, and how people perceive me and
14:25
Speaker 1: how I would act and decisions I made be wrapped
14:28
Speaker 1: up in how successful I was and how I looked
14:31
Speaker 1: like it was like an identity. It was, Yeah, because
14:33
Speaker 1: I was trying to prove something to myself and to
14:35
Speaker 1: everyone that I was successful, because I thought that was
14:38
Speaker 1: a point to be successful, Like why do you work
14:40
Speaker 1: so hard and deal with this work to be successful?
14:43
Speaker 2: What do you think was stronger wanting to prove to
14:45
Speaker 2: others that you could or wanting to prove to yourself
14:48
Speaker 2: that you.
14:50
Speaker 1: Probably others. If I'm being honest, my ego wanted to
14:53
Speaker 1: say I was genuinely curious yeah, probably others, and then yeah,
14:59
Speaker 1: through my brain aneurysm. When I just pulled everything back,
15:02
Speaker 1: I felt like an onguon that was just pulling on
15:03
Speaker 1: their eyes back. I was like, I've done more in
15:06
Speaker 1: my life than I could have ever dreamt off. I've
15:09
Speaker 1: ticked off more boxes than I could have ever dreamed of.
15:12
Speaker 1: And my little girl would be so proud. If I
15:14
Speaker 1: was back in that space and look at what I've done,
15:16
Speaker 1: I'd be like, holy shit, you did all that. And
15:19
Speaker 1: I got to a point where I was like, oh
15:20
Speaker 1: my gosh, I don't need to prove to anyone all myself.
15:23
Speaker 1: I've outdone myself. Yeah, And I remember having that thought
15:28
Speaker 1: going into surgery, obviously having children and watching them grow.
15:31
Speaker 1: But I was like, if I was to not make
15:33
Speaker 1: it out the surgery, I've lived a cool life so much. Yeah,
15:38
Speaker 1: I've done so much more than I could have ever
15:39
Speaker 1: dreamt of. I'm so proud of the risks I've taken.
15:42
Speaker 1: I'm so proud of the falls that I've had. I've
15:44
Speaker 1: got back up, I've picked myself up. How brave I've
15:46
Speaker 1: been to take risks and to try new things, through heartbreak,
15:50
Speaker 1: through all of it, and I'm so resilient, and I
15:52
Speaker 1: just I feel like chrolls want to see me be
15:54
Speaker 1: knocked down, but I'm like, oh, I'm a stubborn motherfucker.
15:58
Speaker 1: You can't. I'll be down.
15:59
Speaker 3: But it's one of my best traits.
16:01
Speaker 1: And honestly them, Yeah, she's resilient.
16:04
Speaker 3: Yeah she has she was a little girl, so yes.
16:06
Speaker 1: I was really proud and yeah that's cool, cool reflection.
16:10
Speaker 1: Isn't it a good question? Yeah?
16:11
Speaker 3: I like that answer.
16:12
Speaker 2: Yeah, who would you be if you stop trying to
16:14
Speaker 2: be seen as good all the time? And how would
16:17
Speaker 2: you show up differently? Will there be a side to
16:19
Speaker 2: you that we all haven't seen?
16:21
Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, I feel like I am a very sexual
16:27
Speaker 1: being a sexual human, and I feel like I would
16:29
Speaker 1: love to talk more on that, lead more in that,
16:33
Speaker 1: be more of that. But I'm on that journey at
16:35
Speaker 1: the moment. I don't feel like I'm a leader in that,
16:38
Speaker 1: but I would like to one day. But I'm still
16:41
Speaker 1: working around what other people think and how comfortable I
16:46
Speaker 1: am with it all, and I'm still exploring myself, getting
16:49
Speaker 1: to know that part of me that I've shut down
16:51
Speaker 1: for thirty six years. Yeah, but I definitely feel like
16:54
Speaker 1: she's emerging Yeah, and it's there and it's exciting, but
16:59
Speaker 1: there's so much judgment around it. And I speak to
17:02
Speaker 1: an audience of thousands, yeah, on the weekly. So if
17:05
Speaker 1: I wasn't scared or there was no judgment and it
17:08
Speaker 1: was fully accepted, there'd be That's a huge part of
17:11
Speaker 1: who I am.
17:11
Speaker 3: Different conversations happening.
17:13
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a huge part of who I am and
17:15
Speaker 1: how I want to live.
17:16
Speaker 2: Yeah, conversations we have behind closed doors, having had everywhere
17:20
Speaker 2: all the time.
17:21
Speaker 3: Yes, Yeah, it's beautiful.
17:22
Speaker 1: Yeah, maybe in the future maybe. Oh it's a deep one.
17:27
Speaker 3: Oh, hit me with it.
17:29
Speaker 1: What's a silent battle? You are tired of carrying alone?
17:34
Speaker 1: The first thing that came to mind is heartbreak. The
17:37
Speaker 1: second part to that feels like loneliness. Those are the
17:40
Speaker 1: first two words that popped into my head. So I'm
17:42
Speaker 1: not going to try to challenge that. I think that's
17:44
Speaker 1: what feels true for me. Intuitively, that's what wanted to
17:46
Speaker 1: come forward. I think I don't acknowledge the heartbreak that
17:49
Speaker 1: I felt from my previous relationship because I feel like
17:52
Speaker 1: I should be over it, and I don't think that
17:53
Speaker 1: I allow myself to fully feel sometimes because I'm so busy.
17:58
Speaker 1: To what degree that relationship hurt me? Yeah, it meant.
18:02
Speaker 2: What it meant to me, how painful it was, leave
18:05
Speaker 2: once you try, how much I tried, how much I
18:07
Speaker 2: wanted it to work, how much I wanted it to
18:09
Speaker 2: be him, how much I really thought that he was
18:11
Speaker 2: going to be the man that I was going to marry.
18:13
Speaker 2: And I think I push it aside a lot. I mean,
18:16
Speaker 2: I don't feel like I carry that alone because you
18:18
Speaker 2: have been there, my rock, through that entire experience, and
18:21
Speaker 2: I don't necessarily feel like I've been alone in it.
18:23
Speaker 2: It feels like a burden that I carry, Yeah, you know,
18:26
Speaker 2: because it feels like something I just have to live life,
18:29
Speaker 2: move on, get on with it, accept it. And I
18:32
Speaker 2: don't want to accept it. And that's something that even
18:34
Speaker 2: voicing that out loud is hard to be seen in that.
18:37
Speaker 2: And then I think the loneliness that comes with that
18:40
Speaker 2: is just something that I've always felt like, it doesn't
18:42
Speaker 2: matter how old I was, whether I was eight, twelve, fifteen,
18:45
Speaker 2: something that I've always carried his loneliness. And I feel
18:47
Speaker 2: like an old soul who's like sounds really fucked up,
18:51
Speaker 2: but like supposed to journey life alone It's like I
18:54
Speaker 2: always thought that I had to do it alone, and
18:56
Speaker 2: I thought my journey was going to be alone and
18:58
Speaker 2: I was never going to have good people in my
19:00
Speaker 2: life to support me on the journey. So I think
19:03
Speaker 2: that feels like a burden that I carry. Yeah, yeah,
19:05
Speaker 2: even though I know it's not true.
19:07
Speaker 1: It's true. You know, it's your experience right now. Yeah.
19:11
Speaker 2: And then when we did Human Design with Fee and
19:14
Speaker 2: she said, like, you have a lonely journey, you have
19:16
Speaker 2: a lonely soul, I was like, I feel that with
19:17
Speaker 2: every answer my being. It doesn't matter if I'm surrounded
19:20
Speaker 2: by people, there's always an inkling in the back of
19:22
Speaker 2: my head.
19:22
Speaker 1: That comes up. Wow.
19:24
Speaker 3: Yeah, not always. Not now.
19:25
Speaker 2: I have more fulfilling relationships now that really soothe that
19:29
Speaker 2: part of me. But like, over the years, it's definitely
19:31
Speaker 2: been heavy. Yeah yeah you yeah.
19:35
Speaker 1: Yeah. So ex partner, if you're listening to this, thanks, No, no, no, no,
19:40
Speaker 1: not that it was.
19:44
Speaker 2: And he didn't do anything like it was a great relationship.
19:47
Speaker 2: We had some challenges and some hurdles and things that
19:50
Speaker 2: we couldn't work out together.
19:56
Speaker 1: Fay, That's all I have to say about that. But
19:59
Speaker 1: if you're listening well, you're welcome insight to my mind. Yeah.
20:04
Speaker 1: But anyway, and someone says like he didn't do anything,
20:06
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, that's the problem. He didn't do enough. Yeah,
20:12
Speaker 1: he didn't step up, he didn't do the work, he
20:14
Speaker 1: wasn't willing. Yeah. It sounds nice when you say like, oh,
20:17
Speaker 1: he didn't do anything wrong. Yeah, but he also didn't
20:20
Speaker 1: do anything to make that yeah commitment and make it work.
20:24
Speaker 2: I know, I get that, and I think, like I've
20:26
Speaker 2: just sat with it so many times that I kind
20:29
Speaker 2: of have been through the whole anger and been through
20:31
Speaker 2: the frustration, and been through the why couldn't you have
20:34
Speaker 2: you know, stepped up or met me where I needed
20:36
Speaker 2: you to meet me.
20:37
Speaker 3: But this is not how I choose to remember him.
20:39
Speaker 2: You know, it's not what I want to choose to
20:41
Speaker 2: hold on to any more because it only punishes me
20:43
Speaker 2: and it makes me paint him to be the villain
20:45
Speaker 2: and I don't want to do that.
20:47
Speaker 1: You know, you just an acceptance. Acceptance.
20:49
Speaker 2: It doesn't mean that hurt isn't there, Yes, you know,
20:52
Speaker 2: for a multitude of reasons, but it's just it's not
20:55
Speaker 2: what I want to hold on to. No grateful for
20:57
Speaker 2: the experience, I have him changed me as a woman
21:00
Speaker 2: in the best way.
21:01
Speaker 1: And even when you meet your person, yeah, like you
21:04
Speaker 1: know that chapter had happen otherwise you wouldn't have the
21:06
Speaker 1: relationship you've got with that man. You know, you look
21:09
Speaker 1: back and be like, wow, I really needed that. I did.
21:11
Speaker 2: I honestly I grew so much as a woman from
21:13
Speaker 2: that relationship. Anyway, we're going on a super tangent.
21:15
Speaker 1: But that's where the gratitude comes in though, and that's done. Yeah, yeah.
21:19
Speaker 2: Do you truly believe that everything happens for a reason
21:22
Speaker 2: or do we give things meaning afterwards?
21:24
Speaker 1: No? I think everything happens for a reason. Yeah, okay,
21:27
Speaker 1: for a purpose. I think I truly do believe life
21:30
Speaker 1: happens for us. Even like we did a beautiful balancing
21:34
Speaker 1: what do you call it, not ceremony with Lewis, what
21:36
Speaker 1: do you call it? Therapy session?
21:38
Speaker 3: It was a therapy session.
21:39
Speaker 1: Therapy.
21:40
Speaker 3: We were crying our eyes out.
21:41
Speaker 1: Yeah, but it was just like we had to pinpoint
21:44
Speaker 1: a really painful moment in our life. And this is
21:46
Speaker 1: even then, it was just more evidence for me of
21:48
Speaker 1: everything happened for me, every micro moment, huge moment, every challenge,
21:54
Speaker 1: every rejection, every redirection. I would not be who I like.
21:58
Speaker 1: I wouldn't be in the studio talking to you. I
21:59
Speaker 1: wouldn't be who I am. I wouldn't have people in
22:01
Speaker 1: my life. I wouldn't have the kids, it wouldn't have
22:03
Speaker 1: any of it. If all of those things happen, I
22:05
Speaker 1: feel like the universe does always have our back and
22:07
Speaker 1: it's always tends up ahead of us. Yeah. I truly
22:09
Speaker 1: do trust that. So, yeah, I do think everything happens
22:11
Speaker 1: for a reason, and that's how I choose to live
22:13
Speaker 1: my life. I just trust everyone. Shit's going down, I'm like, oh, man,
22:17
Speaker 1: I don't know why this is not that that I
22:18
Speaker 1: fucking know there's a high reason why.
22:20
Speaker 3: Oh why.
22:21
Speaker 1: I know that there is going to be a reason why.
22:23
Speaker 1: And in three months, six months, nine months, twelve months,
22:25
Speaker 1: I will look back and like, oh that's why. Yeah,
22:28
Speaker 1: oh my gosh. If that didn't happen, I wouldn't be
22:30
Speaker 1: here now this. I wouldn't be having this conversation. Yeah,
22:32
Speaker 1: I wouldn't have remembered that. I wouldn't have learnt that.
22:34
Speaker 1: Thank you. And I'm always thinking the universe. Hindsight is
22:37
Speaker 1: such a beautiful thing, isn't it. If you truly trust
22:40
Speaker 1: and believe that like life just isn't as painful. It's
22:42
Speaker 1: not as painful. It's so true it can move through
22:44
Speaker 1: it with a little bit more ease. It doesn't mean
22:46
Speaker 1: pain's not there, frustration is not there. All those human
22:49
Speaker 1: emotions are going to be there. You're a human, You're
22:51
Speaker 1: not a fucking robot. But when you truly believe that
22:54
Speaker 1: there's light there and there's a reason why it's happening,
22:57
Speaker 1: you get through.
22:57
Speaker 2: It just means like it's not excruciating and you don't
22:59
Speaker 2: fall into victim either, yes, because that doesn't save you. No,
23:03
Speaker 2: it gets stuck there real quick's stuck there.
23:05
Speaker 3: Yeah.
23:05
Speaker 1: Yeah, What's something about me that's impacted you that you've
23:10
Speaker 1: never told me? All in a negative way or a
23:12
Speaker 1: positive way I ever told you? Yeah, So it could
23:14
Speaker 1: be something I've said that you like, really upset you.
23:16
Speaker 1: Or it could be something powerful that I've done that's
23:19
Speaker 1: like wow, that really shaped me or helped me. Could
23:21
Speaker 1: be either way and I can hold either of them,
23:24
Speaker 1: so bring them in. I'm trying to think of what
23:26
Speaker 1: I haven't actively voiced to you.
23:27
Speaker 3: I could just tell you in the moment your decision
23:31
Speaker 3: to do the podcast with me.
23:35
Speaker 1: That's cool.
23:36
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that decision honestly, it was like like
23:39
Speaker 2: our friendship and then even before the podcast, but then
23:42
Speaker 2: that decision there, it was like it awakened something in
23:44
Speaker 2: me that had been like lying dormant for so long,
23:47
Speaker 2: and it just like this whole other side to me
23:49
Speaker 2: came out. Vulnerability, openness, exploration, curiosity, like impact, drive, all
23:56
Speaker 2: these things that were kind of already there that were
23:58
Speaker 2: kind of stale, stale.
24:00
Speaker 1: Yeah, all the things are doing with the podcast too,
24:02
Speaker 1: was things that you already wanted to do. Events, impact, speaking,
24:06
Speaker 1: kind of audience in stage or treats. Yeah, it just
24:09
Speaker 1: kind of this is the foundation.
24:11
Speaker 2: It's like I already knew that I wanted to do
24:13
Speaker 2: those things, and even from a young age, knew that
24:15
Speaker 2: I was going to be speaking on stages, but didn't
24:16
Speaker 2: know how. I didn't know what context it was going
24:19
Speaker 2: to be in. And so this was the thing that
24:22
Speaker 2: was like, oh, this is the direction, this is the path.
24:24
Speaker 2: And yeah, your decision to ask me to join you
24:28
Speaker 2: as co host on the podcast, honestly, like it was
24:30
Speaker 2: a really pivotal moment in my life. Yeah, it awakened
24:33
Speaker 2: so much to me.
24:34
Speaker 1: So cool, Yeah, I love that. Ooh, okay, are you ready?
24:38
Speaker 2: Yeah?
24:39
Speaker 3: I think no, it's okay.
24:41
Speaker 2: What's a past version of you that deserves more compassion?
24:47
Speaker 1: Do things come to mind? So either one of these,
24:49
Speaker 1: I'll speak on both of them. I think just a
24:52
Speaker 1: little girl so badly wanted to be loved by a
24:54
Speaker 1: father figure. I look back, I'm like, how the fuck
24:57
Speaker 1: did I process that as a little girl, Like my
25:00
Speaker 1: father walking out signing custody papers like he's taking a
25:04
Speaker 1: sip of the coffee, No big deal, done, no fight,
25:07
Speaker 1: like doesn't need to do with us. And then this
25:09
Speaker 1: stepdad that just fucking hated my guts, Like talk about
25:13
Speaker 1: abandon and a rejection and not two men that didn't
25:17
Speaker 1: care for me.
25:17
Speaker 2: You know.
25:18
Speaker 1: Yeah, I wish I gave my little girl so much
25:20
Speaker 1: more luve back then, and that's my work now. And
25:23
Speaker 1: then also just the younger version of myself that was
25:26
Speaker 1: going through all the online trolling that was really hard.
25:30
Speaker 1: I don't think I held myself very well in that
25:32
Speaker 1: or like allowed myself to be in the pain. I
25:35
Speaker 1: just tried to like push it aside and pretend everything
25:37
Speaker 1: was okay, but it's so was not okay. Yeah, So
25:40
Speaker 1: I think those two moments, those chapters. Yeah, moments like
25:46
Speaker 1: those chapters in my life were really hard. I look back,
25:49
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh gosh, I just want to give you
25:51
Speaker 1: the biggest hug.
25:52
Speaker 3: Yeah.
25:53
Speaker 1: Yeah, I wish someone came and gave me.
25:54
Speaker 3: A big heart. You told you it was going to
25:56
Speaker 3: be okay.
25:56
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, and I'm sure they did, but I didn't
25:59
Speaker 1: believe it.
26:00
Speaker 2: So yeah, do what you had to in the moment
26:03
Speaker 2: to survive full survival. Yeah, so much resilience for both
26:06
Speaker 2: of those experiences.
26:08
Speaker 3: Yeah, three of the experiences.
26:09
Speaker 1: For sure. If you're in a child could ask me something,
26:12
Speaker 1: what do you think it would be? I think if
26:15
Speaker 1: I was answering that to you, I would ask you
26:17
Speaker 1: if I'm going to be okay?
26:18
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay.
26:19
Speaker 1: A little girl would look up to you because you'd
26:20
Speaker 1: be someone I would be inspired by and see you
26:22
Speaker 1: doing great things, right, Okay, be like, oh my gosh,
26:24
Speaker 1: am I going to be okay?
26:25
Speaker 3: Okay?
26:25
Speaker 1: That helps me have context. Yeah, yeah, I'm going to
26:28
Speaker 1: be okay, Okay, what did your little girl want to
26:30
Speaker 1: ask me? Is it safe to be myselfiful?
26:34
Speaker 3: I don't know why that just came.
26:36
Speaker 2: Yeahful, Like the word play came into mind, And then
26:39
Speaker 2: the words can I play?
26:41
Speaker 1: Is it safe to be myself? Is it safe to play? Yeah?
26:44
Speaker 1: That's cool. Yeah, random, so cool question, that's so cool.
26:48
Speaker 3: Love We don't we were sucker for them?
26:51
Speaker 1: Yeah? Okay.
26:53
Speaker 3: Most recently, what has made you feel the most alive?
27:01
Speaker 1: Oh? Just sex? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, intimacy. Yeah, with Steve,
27:11
Speaker 1: just exploring and deepening our connection. It makes me feel
27:16
Speaker 1: so alive. Yeah, Like I actually feel like I have
27:18
Speaker 1: an addiction at the moment. I can't get enough. That's
27:20
Speaker 1: all I think about. We're just so connected right now.
27:24
Speaker 3: Really good season between you two, really good season.
27:26
Speaker 1: Yeah. Our communications, where we're at, we talk about it
27:30
Speaker 1: all the time. We're like, oh, look at us at
27:32
Speaker 1: like five years ago, ten years ago, fifteen years ago.
27:34
Speaker 1: I'm like, whoa, what were we doing? How do we survive?
27:39
Speaker 3: Yeah?
27:40
Speaker 1: Like where we're our heads at, how do we get
27:42
Speaker 1: by communicating the way that we did. We're never abusive
27:45
Speaker 1: to each other or anything, but just how far we've come, say,
27:48
Speaker 1: if we feel, how ground we are within ourselves, the
27:52
Speaker 1: level of safety, the level of trust, it's just so
27:55
Speaker 1: different now. And yeah, the last couple of months, that
27:58
Speaker 1: beautiful energy has just brought us so close that our
28:01
Speaker 1: intimacy has just deepened, and I feel so alive.
28:05
Speaker 2: That's beautiful, cool, and it's so beautiful as well to
28:07
Speaker 2: see you guys after seventeen years together show that it
28:11
Speaker 2: is possible, right, that is possible to deepen and connect
28:15
Speaker 2: and for it to increasingly get better with time, as
28:18
Speaker 2: opposed to the usual story that you hear, which is
28:20
Speaker 2: that you know, people get more and more disconnected with time. Like,
28:23
Speaker 2: it's very rare that you hear people have really strong,
28:25
Speaker 2: bonded relationships, and it's just such beautiful evidence to see it.
28:29
Speaker 1: I always talk about to like the deaths of old marriage,
28:31
Speaker 1: and I feel that it's like we're in a new
28:32
Speaker 1: marriage again.
28:33
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's cool.
28:33
Speaker 1: I feel like we've had eight different marriages in the
28:35
Speaker 1: seventeen years, Like this is like a new one. We
28:37
Speaker 1: feel like honeymooners.
28:38
Speaker 2: Yeah, like he's reintroducing your new selves to each other.
28:41
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, I love the honeymoon stage fear.
28:43
Speaker 1: Yeah. He's just such a different man to who he
28:46
Speaker 1: was a year ago and to five years ago and
28:48
Speaker 1: who you were a year Yeah, And I just love
28:50
Speaker 1: him so much as he is now. I've loved him
28:52
Speaker 1: in all stages, but this is like the most safest,
28:55
Speaker 1: deeply connected that I've ever felt to him. Wow, which
28:58
Speaker 1: is really powerful, powerful, so cool, makes you so happy?
29:02
Speaker 3: Oh I love that.
29:05
Speaker 1: Yeah, I love feel very lucky, very blessed. And it's
29:08
Speaker 1: cool our kids get to see this too. Yeah, as
29:10
Speaker 1: they grow up, you do hear of that, Like I'm
29:12
Speaker 1: being together for ages, like you don't make the effort
29:15
Speaker 1: and the spark's gone and.
29:16
Speaker 3: People hate each other, hate each other.
29:18
Speaker 1: The sex gets boring and it's like just so the
29:20
Speaker 1: opposite for us, which is really cool.
29:23
Speaker 3: It's cool.
29:23
Speaker 1: Yeah, feeling alive. I love that. So cool.
29:27
Speaker 3: Well, thank you for joining us, guys. That's all for
29:29
Speaker 3: the questions we have today.
29:30
Speaker 2: We thought it'd just be super fun and I love
29:32
Speaker 2: these questions when they're super raw and just you never
29:35
Speaker 2: know what to.
29:36
Speaker 1: Expect, you know, I don't know what's going to come up.
29:37
Speaker 2: Hey, the most raw, authentic off the casp answers always
29:40
Speaker 2: come out, and I feel like there's always such really
29:41
Speaker 2: good nuggets in those.
29:42
Speaker 1: It is. Thank you for joining us, and yeah, you
29:45
Speaker 1: can always go back, rewind and write these questions down
29:47
Speaker 1: and do them with your girlfriends like why not? Yeah,
29:49
Speaker 1: so fun, so much fun. Thank you for us, we'll
29:51
Speaker 1: see you on the next one. Bye bye,