Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 96: When Life Is Hard

Transcript

96: When Life Is Hard · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  So this week has been pretty wild at my house and it seems like everybody at my house has been hit with something.
• 0:28
  And I did share some of those things on social media.
• 0:30
  But I have different audiences here and there.
• 0:33
  And you guys more stuff has happened since I posted about it on social media.
• 0:37
  So I just thought I'd recap a little bit and we would talk about it.
• 0:40
  So this is the first week of April and it has honestly felt like one long April fool's joke on my family.
• 0:47
  So on April fool's day, my newest adult had her information stolen and there was over$300 worth of charges on her debit card.
• 0:55
  And somebody was buying international flights out of Columbia.
• 0:57
  It was just a huge mess.
• 0:59
  Luckily, we were able to get that sorted out and that money has been reimbursed, but oh my goodness.
• 1:03
  What a scare for a brand new adult to have their identity stolen at such a young age.
• 1:10
  We've also had many headaches and cramps.
• 1:12
  I've been recovering from a cold this whole week.
• 1:14
  We experienced a breakup relationship drama.
• 1:17
  I was going to interview my daughters to my 100th episode and I was ready and they were ready, but my computer was not ready.
• 1:24
  I could get the video to work, but it didn't matter if I was using an internal mic or an external mic.
• 1:29
  I could not get the audio to work at all for that interview.
• 1:33
  So I was experiencing a real fight with technology.
• 1:37
  Um, it was also one morning when my oldest, she was going to school and she was going to fill up with gas on her way.
• 1:43
  And she called me from the gas station in a panic.
• 1:45
  And she said, I can't get my car to start.
• 1:47
  I don't know what's wrong.
• 1:49
  So I went down to the gas station to give her jumpstart and it turned out she needed a whole new battery.
• 1:53
  so that was an adventure.
• 1:54
  And as I told you, I've really not been feeling that great.
• 1:57
  And some days I feel okay and I think I'm getting better.
• 1:59
  And then I started to feel worse.
• 2:01
  And so a friend of mine was talking about getting together and making some plans a few weeks out.
• 2:06
  And the day she asked me about it, I just wasn't really feeling well at all.
• 2:10
  And I told her, you know, I'm like girl, like I really don't feel that great.
• 2:13
  And I'm having a hard time making plans for even two and three weeks out because I don't feel good right now, even though that doesn't logically make sense.
• 2:21
  I just wasn't feeling well enough to make plans.
• 2:25
  And so all of these things were happening and I just felt really determined.
• 2:28
  I'm like, okay, I'm starting to feel a bit better here.
• 2:31
  We really need a win.
• 2:32
  I think that we should go to the living planet aquarium in salt lake city.
• 2:36
  So we planned a day trip to go to salt lake city to go to living planet aquarium.
• 2:40
  And it was beautiful and amazing.
• 2:43
  And I got to touch a stingray.
• 2:45
  And we had so much fun.
• 2:46
  And while we were there, my husband got an email informing him that the hotel that he booked nearly a year ago, For the Boston marathon.
• 2:54
  Was closing.
• 2:56
  And so they were canceling as the reservation.
• 2:59
  Now, this would be happening nine days before we're scheduled to be in Boston for the marathon that he received.
• 3:06
  This email so my husband has been scrambling to figure out where we can stay so he can still run the marathon.
• 3:13
  It has just been a lot all at once.
• 3:16
  So I'm really curious if anything like this has ever happened to you and maybe not what these specific circumstances.
• 3:21
  But maybe there was a week where you just felt like everything was going wrong.
• 3:25
  And that's just part of the human experience, right?
• 3:28
  There are just some days or some weeks that just feel like any eternally along April fool's joke.
• 3:33
  But it's really interesting to notice what it is that your brain does during those moments Because the truth is that life is 50, 50, it's 50% positive and 50% negative.
• 3:43
  And when we're having our 50% positive days, we think, Hey, this is great.
• 3:47
  In fact, sometimes we even neglect to give them the space that they deserve because we think, yeah, this is how life should be.
• 3:54
  And then when we're experiencing those hard times, we have all of that resistance around it, because we think that this should not be happening.
• 4:00
  We think something else should be happening in our lives.
• 4:03
  Not that anything but that.
• 4:05
  So we're essentially creating a lot of negative emotion for ourselves, just resisting that the negative is happening.
• 4:11
  So know that your brain is going to want to do that.
• 4:14
  And I wanted to share with you a few lessons that I've learned throughout this last week, as I have been reminded all of the things that your brain is going to want to do when you're going through a hard time.
• 4:25
  Okay.
• 4:26
  So the first one is when you were in a rough spot, it can be really hard to see your way out of it.
• 4:30
  Your brain is going to tell you.
• 4:32
  That today's a bad day.
• 4:34
  And that means that this bad day it's going to last forever.
• 4:37
  So for example, when my girlfriend wanted to make plans with me, I love this friend of mine.
• 4:42
  I adore this friend of mine and I absolutely want to spend time together.
• 4:46
  But because I was currently in overwhelm, there was no way I could even entertain the idea of doing fun things with her, because I couldn't commit to doing anything that day.
• 4:55
  And it made it really hard for me to see anything that could happen beyond that day.
• 4:59
  So I did tell that friend and probably not super eloquently, cause I really didn't feel well.
• 5:04
  I said, you know what?
• 5:04
  I'm really not feeling well.
• 5:05
  So it's really hard for me to commit to any plans right now, but I do want to get together.
• 5:10
  And if we could talk more about it when I'm feeling a bit better than I would really appreciate it.
• 5:14
  So just know that your brain is going to do that.
• 5:16
  It's going to tell you that today's forever.
• 5:18
  It's going to make it really hard to look forward to positive things, because your brain is going to be super focused on the negative things and trying to convince you that it's never going to change.
• 5:28
  And that leads to number two, your brain does have a negativity bias.
• 5:32
  It would be super easy to slide into why me thinking.
• 5:35
  And that's why a lot of us do this, right?
• 5:37
  We think, well, why me?
• 5:38
  And it's interesting to compare our thoughts when things are going well, versus when things aren't going well, because it's very rare that when things are going well, we think why me thoughts?
• 5:48
  We often think, oh, Hey, my hard work is paying off.
• 5:51
  Right.
• 5:51
  We have all of these great things to say about why the good things are happening.
• 5:54
  And we think, yes, this is how it should be.
• 5:56
  And when the hard things are happening, we have a hard time thinking, oh yeah, this is life.
• 6:00
  And this is how it should be.
• 6:01
  We think that it should be different.
• 6:03
  And then that creates this.
• 6:05
  Tipping of the scales where now we're experiencing even more negativity because we think we shouldn't be experiencing negativity.
• 6:11
  So we're experiencing negativity and negative experiences, and then thinking those negative thoughts about it.
• 6:16
  And it's tipping those scales even more.
• 6:19
  So along with these why me thoughts?
• 6:21
  I absolutely had those why me thoughts.
• 6:23
  It was why me, it was why during spring break.
• 6:26
  It was what is happening right now?
• 6:28
  And I really was thinking, okay, there must be something happening cosmically, because it seems like it's not just my life, but everybody else's life is kind of up in turmoil and you guys had looked into it and guess what?
• 6:39
  We are currently in an eclipse portal.
• 6:41
  This is the two weeks between the lunar eclipse and the solar eclipse, which the solar eclipse I believe is happening.
• 6:46
  The date that this episode drops.
• 6:48
  So hopefully after the solar eclipse life will just flow again and it will all sort itself out.
• 6:54
  So if you believe in that, maybe that something that was happening for you, but just notice that your brain is going to want to ask reasons why it's going to want to know what is happening and why, and the reason why it does this is because we think if we can understand the why.
• 7:08
  Then we'll be able to have more control over it.
• 7:10
  And if we have control over it, then we can change it.
• 7:13
  Or in my case, me thinking, okay, well, I guess if the eclipse happens on the eighth, then I just have to make it to the eighth and then everything's going to be okay.
• 7:21
  Right.
• 7:22
  It's just a story that we're telling ourselves to help us to get through.
• 7:25
  We really want to know the why, So when you're feeling really overwhelmed, just know that it's really easy to slide into that.
• 7:30
  Why me thinking and it can take some time to transition your thinking from why is this happening to me into how is this happening for me?
• 7:39
  And sometimes we don't even see in the moment how things are happening for us.
• 7:43
  Sometimes you don't see that until hindsight, because hindsight is 2020, right.
• 7:47
  So, for example, my daughter who had her debit card information stolen.
• 7:50
  She was able to learn how to cancel a card, how to get a new card.
• 7:54
  She was able to learn the benefits of using cards that have those safeguards in place so that she could be reimbursed.
• 7:59
  And I just think all of those things were such great lessons for her to learn at 18 years old when she's a brand new adult.
• 8:07
  Because really, honestly, that was kind of a best case scenario for that really worst case scenario when it comes to identity theft.
• 8:14
  So then looking again at the other things like the car battery, the breakup, headaches, colds, those things are just a part of life and learning how to navigate those things and address the actual issues rather than wallowing in self-pity is such a gift.
• 8:27
  Those are things that are very important things to learn as are working to navigate through life.
• 8:32
  All right.
• 8:32
  Number three.
• 8:33
  Now I think I kind of jumped ahead a little bit and talked about this one already a tiny bit, but your brain is going to want to tell you that today is forever.
• 8:39
  And so there's no point in making plans because something can and will get in the way, or you will still be sick with a cold in three weeks, or you should never use a credit card again.
• 8:48
  Right.
• 8:48
  The brain and an effort to keep you safe.
• 8:50
  Is going to show you everything that could possibly go wrong.
• 8:53
  And it thinks that if it can show you the things that could go wrong, it's being super helpful and it's helping you to avoid pain.
• 8:59
  And sometimes this really is true.
• 9:01
  So you can say thank you brain.
• 9:02
  I'm so grateful that now I've had these bad things happen so that I can move forward, feeling a bit more safe because now I know what things to look for and I can avoid some of these things.
• 9:11
  And also sometimes focusing on all the things that could go wrong than actually prevents us from experiencing joy.
• 9:18
  You can't go through life, just planning to never have a breakup.
• 9:20
  Right?
• 9:21
  You might then end up with somebody that you don't actually want to be in relationship with.
• 9:24
  So really looking at, okay, so maybe this is a situation where it's okay for me to experience these negative emotions.
• 9:32
  So just know that that is going to be your brain's tendency is to look for the negative, but you can rewire your brain to have more of a positivity bias than negativity bias.
• 9:42
  It just takes a little bit of practice.
• 9:45
  And a lot of people will tell me, well, Hey, this is just how I am.
• 9:48
  I'm a realist is what they often say.
• 9:50
  And that's fine.
• 9:51
  Be a realist.
• 9:52
  If you find that you do kind of have a bit more negativity bias than you would like, then I honestly think that we gained our personalities just through habits and behaviors that we decide to practice again and again, right.
• 10:02
  Is through repeated behaviors.
• 10:04
  So you can in fact, change your personality and have more of that positivity bias by practicing all of these new behaviors and these new thought patterns course correcting.
• 10:15
  In the moment and coaching by the way, can really help with that.
• 10:19
  All right.
• 10:19
  Lesson number four.
• 10:20
  Is the issue, practice allowing space for your emotion and just allow things to come up.
• 10:25
  It is significantly easier to navigate these challenges.
• 10:29
  Now there was a time in my life where I was so emotionally dysregulated.
• 10:33
  This was of course pre-coaching.
• 10:34
  I really had a hard time.
• 10:35
  Self-regulating.
• 10:37
  But there was a time where any one of these things would have really pushed me over the edge.
• 10:41
  I would have had a really hard time learning how to navigate my emotions around any of it.
• 10:45
  And I would have had a really hard time helping my kids to learn how to navigate their emotions around having their identity stolen, or sit and hold space for my husband.
• 10:54
  As he's seeing that his hotel room has been canceled.
• 10:56
  Now, there's a lot of things where I just would've been too overwhelmed and it just would have shut me down.
• 11:01
  But by implementing the tools that I've learned through coaching, I am significantly better at being able to self-regulate.
• 11:08
  And when I'm better able to self-regulate, then I'm able to see things a bit more clearly and hold space for other people.
• 11:14
  Right.
• 11:14
  And I can just acknowledge that.
• 11:15
  Yeah.
• 11:16
  You know what, that really sucks.
• 11:18
  And I'm still going to keep moving forward.
• 11:20
  Feel your feelings, but don't let your feelings stop you from taking action.
• 11:24
  Take the action.
• 11:25
  Feel your feelings around it, but you still need to cancel the card.
• 11:28
  You still need to find a new hotel room.
• 11:30
  You still need to keep moving through it.
• 11:33
  In fact, I think that that's the key to success is moving forward, even when you're having a hard time.
• 11:37
  So just keep moving forward or just keep swimming as Dory would say.
• 11:41
  Right.
• 11:42
  So if you're having a very frazzled, crazy hair, dead car canceled hotel, identity theft kind of day, then I would like to offer up some thoughts to help you.
• 11:51
  Okay.
• 11:51
  So these are just some thoughts that you can practice and rehearse, and I encourage you to practice and rehearse them before you're having a hard time.
• 11:57
  So that then when you are having a hard time, those thoughts are already being practiced.
• 12:02
  They're already creating those neural pathways and can help you to move through it.
• 12:05
  A lot easier.
• 12:06
  Okay.
• 12:07
  So here's some thoughts to help you.
• 12:08
  Today is not forever.
• 12:11
  I don't know how I'm going to get through this, but I do know that I will get through this.
• 12:17
  This sucks and I'm going to keep moving forward anyway.
• 12:21
  I am choosing for right now to focus on solutions.
• 12:26
  Even though I'm having a hard time right now.
• 12:28
  This does not decrease my worth or my value.
• 12:31
  I am learning to overcome challenges.
• 12:34
  I am letting go of the things that I can't control and focusing on the things that I can control.
• 12:40
  And I love this one because the brain wants to say all of these things are out of my control, but that just keeps us spinning.
• 12:47
  It's very unhelpful.
• 12:48
  It's going to keep us in confusion.
• 12:50
  It's going to keep us stuck, but when you're able to focus on solutions, then you're able to kind of calm down and self-regulate and keep your eye on the prize and just keep moving forward.
• 13:00
  Okay.
• 13:00
  A few more thoughts for you.
• 13:02
  I am resilient and I bounce back stronger than ever.
• 13:06
  Even in chaos, I can experience peace.
• 13:09
  And that one's a beautiful one that I've experienced with coaching, where it's really interesting that as these things do come up, I am able to be calm about it.
• 13:17
  I'm not moved to tears.
• 13:19
  I'm not shutting down in the fetal position.
• 13:21
  I can just say, okay, this is the next thing that we need to worry about and move forward through that.
• 13:26
  So you can experience peace even in the midst of chaos.
• 13:30
  Okay.
• 13:30
  Few more thoughts for you.
• 13:31
  Hard things do come but good things come too and I love this thought because your brain is going to look for evidence that whatever you're thinking is true.
• 13:40
  So if you're wondering, okay, what terrible thing is going to happen next, your brain is going to be looking for the things not going well.
• 13:46
  But if you're thinking, boy, I know that good things are coming to your brain is going to start to look for evidence of that.
• 13:52
  It's going to look for things like.
• 13:54
  Well, yeah, that really, wasn't very fun, but it's great weather today, or, oh, Hey, my package came a day early.
• 13:59
  You know, the, and we'll look for those little ways that life is going well.
• 14:04
  So remember that today is not forever.
• 14:07
  It's going to be okay.
• 14:08
  Your brain is probably going to go into freak out mode.
• 14:10
  When you have a bad day, that's just how brains were made.
• 14:13
  It doesn't mean anything's wrong with you.
• 14:15
  It doesn't mean that you're broken.
• 14:17
  It actually means that your brain is doing exactly what brains do.
• 14:20
  And as you become more consciously aware of it, then you can actually make those tweaks in your thinking to create something that is more supportive for you.
• 14:27
  But I want you to remember that there is nothing wrong with you.
• 14:30
  There is nothing wrong with you.
• 14:33
  There is nothing wrong with you.
• 14:35
  Life just happens.
• 14:36
  And this is what your brain does.
• 14:38
  So as you notice what your brain tends to do when you're in overwhelm or how your brain behaves when you hit a snag in life or an unexpected encounter with something, just remember that.
• 14:46
  Okay.
• 14:47
  Like, isn't this interesting.
• 14:48
  I can see now what my brain is doing, become consciously aware of that.
• 14:52
  And then you can decide on purpose how it is that you want to move forward through that.
• 14:57
  So tomorrow is a new day and you guys are doing amazing.
• 15:00
  Given the circumstances.
• 15:02
  And I'm just so incredibly proud of you.
• 15:04
  And Hey, I also wanted to let you know about an opportunity coming up that I'm super excited about.
• 15:09
  I did announce it on the last episode, but I'm going to keep talking about it up until the event.
• 15:13
  So I want you to know that I am offering a free online workshop where I'm going to be talking about how to stop people pleasing.
• 15:19
  This is going to be on zoom.
• 15:21
  I'll be able to see your beautiful faces.
• 15:23
  You'll be able to ask me questions so I can share things that might be helpful for you in your specific circumstances.
• 15:29
  And yeah, I just feel like we're friends and I thought it would be super fun.
• 15:32
  So that's what we're going to do.
• 15:33
  So if you want to come in to hang out, then make sure that you click the link in the show notes so that you can get registered for that event.
• 15:38
  It's going to be on April 19th.
• 15:41
  And I know that everybody is joining from all over the world.
• 15:43
  And so you can look and see if the time is going to match up for you.
• 15:47
  If it doesn't match up for you, I will be sending out a replay so that you can still see it.
• 15:51
  If you have questions that you want me to answer ahead of time, feel free to email me.
• 15:55
  So again, make sure that you click the link in the show notes to get registered for that free event.
• 16:00
  And yeah, I hope you have a great week.
• 16:02
  Okay.
• 16:02
  Let's talk soon.
• 16:03
  Bye now.