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3 Ways Men Disconnect (and the Fix) · Evolutionary Men

• 0:00
  All right, and welcome back.
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  So on this episode, I want to talk about disconnection, specifically the three types of disconnection I often see impact men the most, that lead to depression,
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  stuckness, and overall dis ease.
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  The first type of disconnection is with self.
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  Right?
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  So this kind of disconnection means we're not actually connected to our full selves, in particular our bodies.
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  our hearts and emotions, and oftentimes even a sense of vision and direction in our lives.
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  This type of disconnection I see often really shows up, in particular, with so-called nice guys.
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  I'm friends and trained with Dr.
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  Glover.
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  who really popularize this term in No More Mr.
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  Nice Guy.
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  And the essence of No More Mr.
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  Nice Guy and Nice Guys in general is that we'll often abandon ourselves as nice guys.
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  in order to kind of appease the other or keep the connection alive.
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  And what that really points to is disconnection with self.
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  And though you might not think about it, one of the most common ways we do this as men is to numb out, right, or dissociate from our bodies, to get away from
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  uncomfortable feelings, whether they're emotional or, yes, even physical.
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  Alcohol, weed, porn and masturbation, sex, overworking, T V
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  Even running certain endorsement sports, right?
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  I've worked with guys who are using that to move away from some other kind of pain.
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  The challenge with disconnection from self is it makes it a lot harder to show up authentically and get what we want in life.
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  And when we're disconnected from self,
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  We often feel at the prey and at the whim, so to speak, of others.
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  We usually can't set strong boundaries
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  lack clear direction for ourselves in life, and really don't know how to move forward inside of ourselves.
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  And really the two main ways I support men in getting more connected to self are: A, just get in your fucking body.
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  Right?
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  Learn to connect and stay connected to the raw sensations that you're experiencing physically in your body.
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  without trying to get away from them.
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  And then kind of emerging from that would be becoming more present and getting more connected to emotional content.
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  All the retreats and programs and men's circles I lead, that is a big theme and one of the biggest hacks we can lean into as men
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  to show up more present and engaged, and frankly get what we want and become more trustable leaders in life, just to get more in touch emotionally
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  which means we have to be in our bodies physically.
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  It's pretty hard to separate those two.
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  And as men, we're very undertrained in these skills and capacities.
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  I've talked ad nauseum in podcasts and online before about the culture most of us men are raised in, where we're actually rewarded for being disembodied or disconnected from our bodies.
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  Right?
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  Toughness usually means numbness, something I'll be exploring even more in a kickass upcoming podcast.
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  Now, the second type of disconnection is from other.
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  It's from other people, right?
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  And Luke and I have talked about this in recent episodes when we speak about the kind of myth of the Marlborough Man.
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  And so this is the other kind of disconnection I often see show up, and this is in the more typical macho man.
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  Where, yeah, I'm kind of connected to my body, my desires.
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  This feels good, I want this, but I'm totally dissociated and disconnected from other people.
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  I have no capacity to remain relationally connected.
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  Because that takes an ability to, yes, stay present in conflict.
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  And B, also stay present in vulnerability, right?
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  To actually open up and be seen and not always be tough and invulnerable.
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  Connection and that kind of toughness often happen inversely.
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  The more tough and armored up we are, the less connected we often feel to other people.
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  And I see this all the time in the men's circles I lead
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  Usually the stuff we hold in the deepest shame that we think makes us the least worthy of connection when we bring it forward into connection.
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  into trusted brothers.
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  That's what actually powers that whole system up and makes us feel the most connected.
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  And when we're disconnected from others, we don't really feel like we belong as men.
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  This is incredibly important.
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  right.
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  I've talked before about how we bond as males has to do with vasopressin, one of our hormones.
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  And we bond by doing hard shit together.
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  But the key there is together.
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  Not just doing it alone.
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  And when we're disconnected from other, we often feel quite lonely.
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  Isolated, apart from, and that has massive consequences for men.
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  I've laid out these stats many times before.
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  You're much more likely to commit suicide as a man if you're feeling disconnected from others.
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  You're much more likely to die of heart disease if you're feeling lonely and not connected to others.
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  And disconnection from others in the relational realm is often kind of more the
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  Ground of those macho men, right?
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  Men I have worked with, and again, it's stuff that was put into them that actually take pride in.
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  I don't need anyone, I'm just alone.
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  When I dig down deep into that with guys, usually it means I've been hurt and I'm afraid of being hurt again.
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  And so I'd rather need no one than feel alone and hurt again in that way.
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  Now, the third type of disconnection, and this is one I've talked about less, but it's really important, and that's from nature.
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  So we have self, we have other, the relational field, and then we have nature, which is really the system we are part of.
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  You can call it the great web, Gaia, whatever you want.
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  And it's this idea that all organisms are part of a network and a web.
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  Now, when industrial culture
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  And philosophy kind of came along.
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  We wanted to do this thing where we put humans up above and on top of it, but that's all bullshit
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  And it has a tremendous cost on our mental health and our emotional belonging
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  Right?
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  I see this all the time.
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  If we are not connected to nature, we don't feel like we belong to anything.
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  But take some guys out, get their hands dirty, get them aware of this whole system around them that they are a part of.
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  They are absolutely influenced by, and that they can influence as well.
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  Talked a lot about this with Roy in one of our episodes about land stewardship.
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  And it starts to change things.
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  If I don't feel connected to the planet, it's much easier to feel alone and isolated and like I don't belong anywh
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  Even inside of this biosphere, right?
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  And so many men.
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  Don't have that connection anymore.
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  There's no reason to go outside.
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  There's no reason to get dirty.
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  There's no reason to be in nature.
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  I used to live in Los Angeles, right?
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  And one of the most heartbreaking stats I got
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  was there were many kids from inner city Los Angeles who lived maybe five miles from the beach that had never seen the ocean in person.
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  Now I don't blame them for that, right?
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  It's not their fault.
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  If you're a young kid, you can't necessarily get yourself there.
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  But I do blame our sick culture for that, that doesn't prioritize and teach a connection to the land and to nature.
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  Right?
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  Because as we feel connected to this grander web, we realize something really important
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  There's some things I have power over, and there's some things I don't.
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  There's some things I can change right now immediately, and there's some things I will never see live to see change.
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  And that changes the way we show up in presence.
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  Buddy of mine, who's a singer-songwriter, Brett Dennon, he has this great line: right, I'm planting trees that I'll never see grow.
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  And there's a type of stewardship that's multi-generational that when we're disconnected from the land, we get disconnected from.
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  And anything that grows and changes, like the earth, connects us to time in a different way, versus the kind of hypercapitalist Las Vegas there is no time.
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  Paradigm: a lot of us are shoved into with work, work, work, work, work, grind, grind, grind, grind, grind.
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  Now, most men I know
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  have a lot of disconnection in one of these areas, but some have extreme disconnection in all of them.
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  And it's why I'm really passionate about men's work, men's retreats, and yes,
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  men's circles, men's groups, because they can reconnect us in all of these ways.
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  There's frankly no better accelerator I've found for the growth of men than to get together in nature
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  and do embodiment practices.
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  That's it.
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  Get connected to yourself, get connected to others, and get connected to the land
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  In that short amount of time, you can really fire up a strong sense of belonging.
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  But that's not the only place you can do it, right?
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  Connecting to self takes practice.
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  It often takes some kind of embodiment or meditative practice that helps you build up your interoception, your capacity to connect to and be aware of what's happening inside your body.
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  Your capacity to connect to others happens relationally, either in your intimate partnership or what I'm going to keep beating you over the head with
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  fucking men's group sit in circle with men who will guide you deeper into connection than you could possibly do otherwise.
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  You will get more connected to yourself and you will get more connected to them.
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  And I've seen time and time again in my own life, and now the hundreds of men I've supported through men's circles and men's groups, what happens when they feel connected to others.
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  Depression goes down, belonging goes up.
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  And then nature, you just got to do it.
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  Doesn't have to just be a men's retreat
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  It can be a half hour under a tree in a park.
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  It could be in your garden, in your back yard.
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  But what's important is you're not on your fucking device
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  Right, nature moves at a different pace and different frequency.
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  And one of the most restorative things you can do
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  As a human being, is support something in growing gardening, flowers
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  food, these are all ways to do that.
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  And if you've never done it and you feel disconnected or depressed
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  I'm telling you, go get a little box, plant some seeds, and take care of them.
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  Watch them grow and unfold through their whole life cycle.
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  It will change.
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  Your relationship to yourself and to nature.
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  You become a steward of life, in a sense, and we all are.
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  Now, it's hard to give a shit about that stuff if you're not connected to it.
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  But the more time you spend in the land, so to speak, the more you're going to care what's happening to it.
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  And we need a lot more men who care about what's happening to the land and what's happening to men, to each other.
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  And unfortunately, what we've often seen in the world is what happens when men are disconnected from all three of these arenas.
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  These are what we would kind of these days label the toxic masculine, right?
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  I don't really believe in that term.
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  Masculinity is not toxic.
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  It can grow pathologically, which means it can be healed.
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  And more often than not, it's actually the disconnected masculine that's not connected to self and feeling, that's not connected to other and impact
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  and not connected to the world that we are embedded in, and that the generations after us are very much going to inherit.
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  And it's really worthy for you to take some time and map out where do you feel the most disconnected.
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  You gotta do work in all three of these arenas, connecting more to self, meditation
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  Journaling, growth, coaching, things that help you get a stronger, clear self-sense and self-connection are incredibly important.
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  That often means turning away from the things that numb you out from your experience, and instead turning towards them, turning towards discomfort
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  Turning toward our shadow, turning toward conflict, turning toward intensity.
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  It's the greatest life hack I've found so far.
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  Relationally, right, are you disconnected from others?
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  So many men these days hold so much inside and have no idea how to bring it forward.
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  particularly to other men.
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  Sometimes that's because they were actually hurt or bullied or abused by other men, fathers, brothers, siblings.
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  But that's not the only path
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  And if you're disconnected relationally, you're not going to grow as fast and as deep as you might otherwise.
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  You will grow faster with feedback.
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  You will grow faster with love.
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  I guarantee it.
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  You might not believe it, but I guarantee it.
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  Finally, the disconnection from the nature, right?
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  When's the last time you just got dirty?
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  When's the last time you watched a sunrise?
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  When's the last time you watched a sunset?
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  When's the last time you spent an extended amount of time outside, without a device and without an agenda?
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  That alone can be tremendously healing for you.
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  And
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  It's in fact a little bit countercultural and revolutionary now, because oftentimes when we go out into nature we realize we don't need as much shit
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  And that goes against all the forces that are constantly trying to pollute our minds with buy more, more, more junk
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  Climb, climb, climb the ladder of stuff.
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  When oftentimes, what we really need is experiential time in nature and time with people we love.
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  That's it.
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  If you want to change the trajectory of your life, start measuring that as one of the sources of your wealth.
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  If you focus on that, your health will go up.
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  And these three types of disconnection, they're strong.
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  And they're everywhere with men right now.
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  Some have bits of it more than others, but they're all going to lead to depression
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  Loneliness, feeling like you don't belong.
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  And belonging, connection, that is the cure for almost all of our ailments.
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  We need it.
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  Connection to self, connection to other, and connection to the environment, the land that we're actually a part of, you are not separate from.
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  But when you believe you are, that's when loneliness comes.
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  And doing something like land work
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  Doing something like gardening is one of the quickest ways to realize, no, I am a part of, and I do have influence.
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  What do I want to choose to bring my devotional presence to?
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  Because you can move the needle, maybe not on the planet, but on something, even if it's just in your immediate vicinity, even if it's another person in your life, even if it's you.
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  So I'd love to hear where do you feel the most disconnected?
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  One of those realms, all three of those realms?
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  Let me know.
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  Reach out.
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  And let's explore some ways for you to get connected.
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  I have lots of retreats, my Labor Day retreat, Heart of Shadow retreat, online groups that can hit these in different ways, some of which do all three.
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  All right, until next time