Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Clearing Up The Misconception That Women "Withhold" Sex

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Clearing Up The Misconception That Women "Withhold" Sex · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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  Psych mom, show today. I wanted to clear up a very
• 0:13
  important topic, but before I do that, I've realized from
• 0:17
  listening to like some other podcast which I did to survey
• 0:20
  the competition, you know, like podcast with a million
• 0:24
  listeners, it's totally my competition.
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  Anyhow, people seem to tell you to subscribe at the beginning,
• 0:30
  so maybe that's what I'm supposed to do.
• 0:32
  Subscribe to my podcast. If you get, if you subscribe,
• 0:36
  then you get paid content. Also, you go to the top of the
• 0:39
  list, for answering. Any questions that you have
• 0:42
  also, you will make me happy and I do these to make everybody
• 0:46
  happy. So that is only fair.
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  Alright, anyhow back to my topic at hand.
• 0:51
  I'm going to see if my PSA in a different place.
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  Worked by the way, here's hoping but anyhow I want to clear up
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  this common misconception that men have that women are
• 1:01
  withholding sex when they're upset.
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  So men tend not to understand how women sex drives work until
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  they listen to all of my podcasts which hopefully can
• 1:11
  help them. But you know, just like women
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  don't understand jack shit about men until they try and my
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  podcast good for that too. But anyhow men have this
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  misconception that a woman is withholding sex that you want to
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  be having purposely when they're upset.
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  This is a very bad myth because it makes men Think that women
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  are these real shrews that are very nasty and evil and have bad
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  intentions and are on a thick and that they're almost like
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  these monsters. Because the woman in this way of
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  thinking is cutting herself off from sex, they'd she wants just
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  because she's mad. You see probably if you're a
• 2:00
  loyal listener, where I'm going with this to dispel this
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  illusion Let me tell you, it does not work for women like it
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  does for men. So man could be really angry at
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  a woman unless she just like ran over his mother, he's still
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  going to want to have sex, you know, depending on who the
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  mother is, he may want to have sex more know, I joke.
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  But listen if it worked like that, if women and men were the
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  same, then if a woman withhold sex out of being angry, then.
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  Yeah, you know that's something to be mad about.
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  She wants it but she just not doing it too.
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  Despite him or to punish him or to make sure that he knows never
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  to do that again because the negative consequence will
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  happen. Those would be very nefarious
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  sorts of malicious ways to live. That is though has no relation
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  to what actually transpires. As I've discussed ad infinitum,
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  the woman in her natural state, a monogamous female in the wild,
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  does not want to have sex, doesn't have a sex drive.
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  I equated it in a Episode 2, a piece of drywall.
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  She is in a dormant State. She feels nothing about sex,
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  either way. She just going about her day,
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  living her life, right? Then what happens is, she starts
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  to have sex with you assuming that she feels close and loving
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  enough to get herself mentally into the headspace where she
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  wants to please you, because you're a good guy.
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  She loves you. Look at all the nice things you
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  do. You're really trying.
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  She remembers your whole history together and there she's in the
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  mood. You to try remember not in the
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  mood before. Sex not aroused before sex, but
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  in the mood to try to get aroused.
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  Meaning you begin to have sex, and then within like 10, 15
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  minutes, you'll notice her breathing changes.
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  She's actually, now into it, in it to win it.
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  Instead of just, you know, faking it so, not faking faking,
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  women should never fake orgasms. I've made that very clear, not
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  that men know when you do, even the most widely detective does
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  no idea when a woman fakes an orgasm but unless Like world's
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  worst actress but you know what I mean?
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  Is she's faking it like putting a smile on living into the life.
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  She wants to be in. She is trying to act attracted
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  to you because she's trying to be a good wife.
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  And then within a little bit of time, her responsive desire.
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  So refer back to that podcast, unresponsive desire will kick in
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  and she'll want to have sex. But when she's mad at you, she
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  doesn't want to get to that place.
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  She does not want to do the internal work to get into a
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  loving frame of mind where she wants to be.
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  Be generous with her body and her time and see if this time
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  she's going to get into it. No, she doesn't want to do that
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  because she's mad. So she's dormant.
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  She doesn't want to have sex, which is no different than a
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  usual day. But this time she's actively
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  angry. So she doesn't want to have to
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  go through the mental gymnastics that are often required within a
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  long-term relationship and to get into the mood.
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  So what you're basically saying is that when she wants to have
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  sex, usually when you have sex usually She's doing you a favor
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  now. All everybody so mad.
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  She's doing you a favor. She's a really doing you a
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  favor. I mean most directly she is
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  doing you a favor because you want to cheat as a one.
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  But she also wants to be happily married and she also wants to be
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  in a loving relationship. So she's doing the marriage of
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  favor. We could put it like that.
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  People will like it better men will like it better women stick
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  to doing him a favor. This is more like what it feels
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  like before you're in the mood. Then it's everybody's doing
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  everybody a favor in a best-case scenario, but anyhow, So you got
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  to think of it different. The Baseline she doesn't want to
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  do it. So when she's mad at you she
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  doesn't want to do it and then why is she going to do it?
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  No reason. There's no reason.
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  Yeah, sure to be a good wife etcetera, but she doesn't think
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  you're a very good husband right then because she's mad at you.
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  So it's not like she's stopping herself from sleeping with you.
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  Despite her desire, which would be disingenuous, she's being
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  more honest than she. Usually is, she doesn't want it
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  and she doesn't want to Try to get in the mood because you
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  fucked up something in her mind. So it isn't, what many men like,
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  there's a very misogynist slant in some of the message boards
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  and stuff about men who aren't getting laid.
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  I can understand this. It's not your favorite gender
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  when you're not having sex with it, cool, but you got a really
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  interrogate, some of those cognitive biases.
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  Their misandry is no good, and neither is misogyny.
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  The first means not liking men. The second is not liking women.
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  No gender. Can be characterized as all bad.
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  And I called us out whenever I hear it in my female or my mail
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  clients, this usually indicates an early bad experiences with in
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  your family of origin, where you learn bad things, about the
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  gender that you are currently maligning that are corroborated
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  by your marriage, which you pick that person because of your
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  early life experiences. But this is an aside.
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  What the point is here is if Men start to think that women are
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  malicious and manipulative and they're like Really hear this
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  that they are specifically not having sex, they're withholding
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  sex that they want. These men are very optimistic
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  sex with these women want. There's the optimistic part
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  because they're mad, then, yes, you're going to hate not only
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  your wife but all women. This is not true though.
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  You got to think about it in the more positive spin, which is
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  anytime we have sex, she doesn't want it.
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  So I'm glad we have sex at all quite honestly.
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  And if we have sex at any sort of regular frequency, See, let's
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  say of sex two to three times a week about two per month of
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  those, she's ovulating and maybe things I look cute beforehand
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  and all the rest. She's doing to be a good wife.
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  And so I ought to be happy that she's trying at all.
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  Maybe you want her to try a little more cool directly state.
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  That try to be a good guy be romantic.
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  All the ways that I tell you to seduce your wife without
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  actively trying to turn her on with the sexy, quote, sexy
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  pictures that she doesn't think her sexy refer back to my Yes.
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  And why not to try to turn your wife on why that doesn't work.
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  But anyway, try to be a good guy talk with her openly about your
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  needs Etc, to have more sex, but don't forget that the sexy
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  you're currently having that is sex that she doesn't start out
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  wanting to have. So when she doesn't have sex
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  because she's mad, she's just going to Baseline.
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  It should be in her most authentic self, quite honestly
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  as depressing as that sounds. And because she does not have
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  the head space or the Bandwidth to try to in authentically but
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  very well-intentioned. Lee, try to get into the mood to
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  be with you. So problems arise, if men also
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  are in this position constantly because there are unresolved
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  empathic ruptures within the marriage that make the woman,
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  hate them constantly and therefore, the wife, never ever
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  wants to get in the mood. Cause she remembers all the ways
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  that you have run afoul of her. In all these decades, your
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  together, in that case, you got to get Couples counseling.
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  This shit isn't going to get any better.
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  Believe me, she's not pretending not to want to have sex.
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  She doesn't think about sex ever except with disgust and contempt
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  and that's the same way she thinks about you.
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  So you need to get into couples counseling right away because
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  either she can get through this with a lot of work from both
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  people or she can but you don't deserve to live in a sexless
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  marriage with somebody who hates you and she doesn't deserve to
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  be in a sexless marriage with somebody who she hates.
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  You know, and that is a different situation, the
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  situation. Ian, that's like as total dead
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  bedroom celibacy really shit situation.
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  But the situation that I am trying to elucidate for you is
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  the situation where men think that.
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  Because so let's say it's Saturday morning and your wife
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  because she listens to my podcast and she really is in it
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  to win it here. She's trying to be good.
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  She says, oh, I can't wait till later, right?
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  And that means you're going to have sex in the code of your
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  marriage. And then you spend the afternoon
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  on the couch In football. Like some sort of hulking
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  Behemoth, that is just ingesting food does nothing with the
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  children. You don't engage, the kid has a
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  swim lesson, he has his Festival.
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  He has like all this shit. You don't get up at all, you
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  don't text your wife, you don't do anything, you're really kind
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  of not even present. You think she's gonna want to
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  have sex with the end of the night.
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  No, but some men really do think that the woman because she said
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  it in the morning. Now follow the logic because she
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  said it in the morning they don't know about To desire.
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  They assumed she was feeling spontaneous desire, right?
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  And so because they think the woman is like a man, they think
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  all day throughout swim lessons throughout the Fall Festival.
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  She is tamping down this desire and then at night this desire is
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  going to come out like a lion. No, no, no, that wasn't her.
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  None of that was happening. That was all delusional.
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  She was trying to be a good wife in the morning.
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  She was trying to have a game face on.
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  She was in a happy mood. She felt connected.
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  She was thinking you were not going to watch football and you
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  were going to go to the Fall Festival at.
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  She talk to you about last Tuesday.
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  Instead you did not do that. I don't know what transpired
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  probably some poor communication on both parts but either way you
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  did something that very much disappointed her whether or not
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  that is fair in your mind and then it is not like she is now
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  repudiating these waves of sexual desire that emanate from
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  her body they were never there in the first place in the first
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  place she was trying. So now she just knocked Trying
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  like she thinks you just weren't trying all afternoon.
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  So in her mind that comes out to be completely Fair, what's good
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  for the goose at cetera. So this one is going to be a
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  short podcast because I really just wanted to address this one.
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  Huge myth that men have, and it really makes them hate their
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  wives, if not women altogether. Because yeah, that would be a
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  person who's cutting off their nose, to spite their face and a
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  very spiteful, passive-aggressive personality.
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  And who is deciding that like instead.
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  So, so for example, if you want to like, run an experiment.
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  See if your wife masturbates on those nights?
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  If she does then. Yeah, she's being spiteful.
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  Like, seriously for every rule. There's an exception.
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  So, if she, if you're laying in bed and she says, yeah, well
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  this morning, I was going to have sex with you, but now I
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  guess I'm just gonna have sex with this tremendous vibrator.
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  Well, yeah. Alright then she's being, you
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  know, not the greatest person and this really amplifies my
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  original suggestion That you ought to get your asses in to
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  couples counseling but probably she just gonna go to sleep in
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  the same sex, drive neutral, dormant state that she ever was.
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  And that can prove my point, she did not have any desire in the
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  first place. She was trying to be extra good
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  and when you were bad, she said, fuck it, I'm not going to be
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  extra good. Why?
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  So if this can help you understand even anything about
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  your sex life at all, forwarded to your wife discuss it.
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  If this cleared up, even one iota of Act and ambivalence that
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  you have had thinking that maybe your wife is just this really
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  miserable cruel person. Then, you know, that's great.
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  Because, any little bid, any little change in your Paradigm
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  for the better can really help your relationship as a whole.
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  So thanks for listening guys. I already told you to subscribe,
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  so I don't have to do that again.
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  And I could just tell you all to have a good weekend.
• 13:26
  Bye.