Latest / What The Heck with Matt Bellassai / Killer Elephants, Butter Dipped Ice Cream, and Bison Batterings?!

Transcript

Killer Elephants, Butter Dipped Ice Cream, and Bison Batterings?! · What The Heck with Matt Bellassai

0:00
When you were a kid, did you used to eat the when you went to
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a restaurant and they had the little butter things, did you
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just eat the butter out of the thing or is that OK?
0:07
All right, welcome back to What the Heck with Matt Bellassai, a
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podcast about what the heck is going on, what the heck is
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happening, and all the things that make me say what the heck,
0:20
Let's get into it. I'm feeling good today.
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I'm feeling fresh. I don't know.
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I don't know why. I don't know what I did
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differently, especially since I ate like absolute garbage this
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weekend. Really could not have been worse
0:31
yesterday. Pizza cake.
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I had several alcoholic beverages, beverages of
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alcoholic nature and shockingly woke up feeling rather
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refreshed. Although no that's a lie because
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I this morning I woke up, I was wearing an eye mask.
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I woke up, turn my alarm off somehow and was like, it's so
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dark, It's so cloudy outside today.
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I don't it was like somehow in my brain's sort of like half
1:04
sleep Phase, I was seeing the outline of things in my room,
1:09
but I was it was fully blacked out in my eyes.
1:12
Your your sleep mask was still on.
1:17
But I sometimes, you know, sometimes you wake up and it's
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like so cloudy or stormy outside that it's like it can't be dark,
1:22
especially because I have blackout curtains.
1:25
But sometimes light gets around the blackout curtains and it's
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like, how are we preventing that?
1:30
How are we preventing light from getting around our blackout
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curtains? People brag about having
1:34
blackout curtains. What about the light that gets
1:36
on the outside? What was that thing that Hannah
1:40
Horvath talks about on Girls? What about all the juice that
1:43
comes that seeps outside of the condom?
1:50
Yeah, it catches most of it, but what about all of the stuff that
1:52
kind of seeps out? We need to be dealing with that,
1:56
and we need to be dealing with the light that gets around my
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blackout curtains. Literally, How are people doing?
2:02
Do you put like? Shades and curtains.
2:06
Guess what, bitch, I got shades too.
2:09
I got blinds and curtains, but they don't fix shit.
2:13
This building, I'm convinced this building is going to be one
2:15
of the next buildings that falls down.
2:20
I do. So there's that building in
2:22
Manhattan that they were like everyone, everyone needs to get
2:24
away 'cause it's about to go, it's about to Jenga itself.
2:28
And they were like new enough ahead of time.
2:31
Apparently people have been noticing this building falling
2:33
and crumbling for years and finally they're like, here it
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comes. I think it's still stay.
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I don't think it fell, but it's like it made me feel good that
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I'm like, OK, for a building isn't just going to topple over
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on its own. Like people will notice
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something is amiss. Unless, unless a building just
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kind of goes boom. I don't know.
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The point is I'm feeling good despite all of the shit that I
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ate. I have.
3:00
Fuck, I hate when you you're putting something off or don't
3:05
want to do something and then you do it and it makes me feel
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better. One of the worst things that can
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happen to a person is your life improving from something that
3:11
you didn't want to do. I can't imagine anything worse.
3:15
And for me that was finally succumbing.
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No, finally, because I've used it before, I'm strapping myself
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in to that fucking sleep mask. We're going C pap mode, folks.
3:30
This is the kind of hard hitting content that you're turning into
3:32
this podcast for. Confirmed confirmed breaking
3:36
news will put the thing across the bottom.
3:37
Breaking news. Matt once again has decided to
3:41
use his C pap machine and is noticing improved results and it
3:45
could not be going worse for him.
3:48
I hate, I hate that it actually does make a difference because I
3:53
look like I'm strapped into the alien from Alien and it's
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sucking my soul out every night, but it does kind of rejuvenate
4:01
me. Hate that hate when it works.
4:05
Another thing that was making me feel good this weekend, Doritos.
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I This is maybe shocking. I don't think I've had Doritos
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as a stoned adult before, which is what Mr. Dorito made that
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chip for. I'm pretty sure the commercials
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for Doritos used to be people fucked up on the couch just
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inhaling Doritos. That's what they're for.
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Slash children who eat them in their lunch box, that's what's.
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It's insane to me that as a child I was able to just throw
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back a lunch that was peanut butter and Jelly, mostly sugar.
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Chewy granola bar, chocolate chip granola bar.
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Basically candy. Absolutely delicious.
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Chewy the the one with the oatmeal guy on it.
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Love that guy. He was.
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He was putting his whole Quaker pussy into making those bars and
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I still eat oatmeal every day. I don't give a fuck.
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I love that oatmeal man. OK chewy granola bar, bag of
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cool ranch Doritos. The superior flavor.
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People who like Nacho cheese, something is wrong with you.
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No, obviously I like the Nacho cheese flavor, but Cool Ranch is
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superior. You can get Nacho cheese
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anywhere. You're not getting Cool Ranch
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everywhere. Guess who invented Cool Ranch?
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Mr. Dorito. So don't come at me and Mr.
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Dorito. They're doing stuff without
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mascot. They don't need some cartoon to
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tell you to eat Doritos. You're you're eating them based
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on the strength of the product alone.
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String cheese, which I would, I would do the string gushers.
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So we're up to what, 991000 calories?
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We haven't even gotten to the entree.
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These are just the appetizers for my lunch.
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But yeah, the fact that I was throwing that back at lunchtime
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and then using my like absorbing information into my brain.
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And that's good. At school.
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I, I got good grades putting that into my body.
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Now I eat a single slice of pizza.
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I'm a Commission for a full week.
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I do think that that was a recent realization for me that
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'cause I used to be like, you know, if I ate some, if I ate
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junk food, quote UN quote junk food, it would be like, OK,
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maybe I'll ship myself later. But that was kind of the worst
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that could happen. And I think only recently was I
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like, oh, right, if I eat pizza, my whole body will feel bad
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tomorrow. Like my body and my brain won't
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work tomorrow and I kind of forgot about that.
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I forgot that food makes body and brain work.
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And because I never had to deal with that before it's like
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you're not thinking. It's like I mostly was thinking
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if I eat this will I have to shit my pants later?
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Like I'm mostly when I'm ingesting my food the the
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thought is yummy yummy and will I be close to a toilet later?
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I am so scared of the of the parasite that makes your asshole
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blow out. I was literally at Trader Joe's
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earlier and I talked myself out of getting a salad.
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I like, went to the store to get salad and then I was like, I
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can't be buying salad right now. You kidding me?
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What if it blows my asshole out? I'm and so I got I got some
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fruit, but I think fruit is OK. Why do you think I'm eating
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pizza Doritos and cake? There's no parasite in that.
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Mister Dorito is not doing parasite, but Trader Joe's
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salad. You can't be sure.
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Especially Trader Joe's You you never know with them.
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It's a real mixed bag with them. Sometimes I got glass in it,
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sometimes I got bugs. But we love Joe.
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No, I ate it at a bunch of restaurants this weekend.
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My one kind of predominant thought regarding restaurants.
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Restaurants need to be offering appetizers by the each.
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OK, I want an individual appetizer option.
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Don't make me get 3 deviled eggs for two people and now we have
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to decide how to split the third deviled egg in half.
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No, give me the option to order individual deviled eggs and we
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can get an even amount amongst us.
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Why are we doing 3 numbers on an appetizer?
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So you're forcing a pair of people to have to fight to the
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death for the third one. And it's always the appetizers
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that are like the least splittable and someone always
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gets fucked over. Like now I have to I have to
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figure out how to cut an arancini in half and all of the
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all of the fried rice comes bursting out.
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What if 1/2 gets more of the the mozzarella cube that's in the
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middle and you have us looking like a damn fool at the table?
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Another thing, I don't like eating at the bar.
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I know some people do that. No, my my back is way too fucked
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up for that. I'm slouched over like the
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hunchback of a Notre Dame and I don't like that the bartender
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just has a front row seat to my entire conversation.
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My friend who I was eating with alerted the bartender that we
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were on edibles also and I was like, OK, so now he's judging us
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and watching us. Even though they did, I think
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they they actually applauded when we said that they were
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like, this is exactly how you should experience this
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restaurant. So they were impressed with it.
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It was an amazing at the corner store.
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If you heard of it, it's like a trendy new restaurant that my
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friend got a reservation to. I'm like, so not up to date on
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what the new trendy restaurants are.
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And so, you know, people are like killing one another over
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restaurant reservations. The the man told us that the
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wait list every day for this restaurant is 1200 people long
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and that people start lining up for a 5:00 PM service at like
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2-2 PM. But I gotta say, it was kind of
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one of the best meals I've had of late.
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And I love when a restaurant gives you good sized portion
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because that's the other thing when you decide everybody's
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like, oh, we're going to share stuff and the the restaurant
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says everything's kind of designed to be shared.
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Oh, wait, who is it? Well, you didn't really say
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that. Oh, it doesn't say it designed
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to be shared on the menu. You had to alert us when we were
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considering it, but it's like, I would like, just like when
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you're ordering something online and you have to Scroll down and
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see what the dimensions are. Show me the dimension of the
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food. I want to know the dimension of
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the food so I'm I can determine myself how much it's actually
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going to be splittable because your definition of we can split
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this in half might not be my definition.
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I felt bad because my friend and I, we took an Uber to the
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restaurant. We got there right when the
11:00
restaurant opened and there was a line waiting outside, but we
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had reservations for 5:00 PM. We had a senior citizen dinner,
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which I love by the way, eating a full gluttonous meal at 5:00
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PM and then being able to like go home, unbutton and like not
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do anything for the rest of the night.
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One of the most beautiful things that you can do as a human being
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'cause then I have a nice long runway until bedtime for
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everything to digest. So I'm not putting my head onto
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the night time pillow feeling like a big, big Jabba the Hutt.
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Not just greasy, disgusting. No, I, I've had time to digest.
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I've had time for everything to kind of settle.
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I know whether I'm going to shit my pants or not 'cause it would
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have happened by now. But we got there at 5:00 PM.
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We pulled up the Uber pulled up right at 5:00 PM And I was like,
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I don't really know if this line is for people waiting like a
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walk in line or if it's for reservations.
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And I sort of stood off to the side and my friend went up and
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asked, right, is the guy like open the door?
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She was like, is this line for reservations or is it for like,
12:11
walk-ins? And he was like, it's kind of
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for both, but do you have a reservation?
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And she was like, yeah. And he was like, OK, then just
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come in. And I was like, OK, Because I, I
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was like standing towards where the back of the line was.
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And I watched her go in and I was like, OK, I guess I'm going
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to go join her. And then as I walked up, the guy
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quickly closed the door and was like, can I help you?
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I was like, God damn, I didn't realize I was eating at Fort
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Knox. And I was like, clearly I don't
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look like I belong here. Clearly I dressed like a fucking
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slaw. But that he was like, absolutely
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not. I can tell by your shoes that
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you're you don't belong here. And guess what?
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I said, no, my friend, my friend is inside and he let me in.
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But yeah, there was a TikTok a long time ago of a woman being
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like, I was waiting in line for a table.
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And these people walked up to the, the maitre-d' and said
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like, we, we have a reservation. And I got pissed off because
13:16
they're supposed to get into the back of the line.
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And it is kind of a deep philosophical moral question of
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like, if you have a reservation at the time, are you getting in
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line or are you going right up to the desk?
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I don't know, This is why I need a, a friend with me who's not a
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kind of a pussy bitch 'cause I am pussy bitch and I, I would
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not have gone up like that. I just felt bad 'cause it was
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like we clearly just cut everybody in.
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Like then we ended up being the first people sat at the
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restaurant when it opened and I was like, this feels weird.
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But also we were at the bar so I, I felt last bad when they sat
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us at the bar. It was like, OK, this is this
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perfectly fine. The other the other news in
14:01
terms of how my brain is doing, I've also been, you know,
14:06
smoking. And the one thing DARE should
14:11
have warned me about was that one day you're going to get a
14:14
little too snowed. You're going to go downstairs to
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get a package that is yours. You're going to take the
14:20
elevator back up. You're going to walk down the
14:23
hallway to your apartment and you're going to open the door
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and see an apartment that's not yours because you just entered
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the the wrong apartment. That's what Dare should have
14:33
been warning you about. I opened the door and I was
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like, oh, it's so bright in here.
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I don't remember this. It was daytime also.
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It was I was like, oh, it's so bright in here.
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And then I looked up and there was just another dog that wasn't
14:46
my dog staring back at me. I was like, oh, I literally
14:52
shouted sorry and I shut it. I didn't see a human.
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I don't even know if, but that's your fault for leaving your door
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unlocked. And the worst part is so I was
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on the elevator, there were two other people on the elevator and
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and then me, we're all going to three different floors.
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Mine was going to be the last stop and we got to the first
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stop and both the people got off.
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And I was thinking that that one of those dumbasses just got off
15:17
on the wrong floor. What a what a fucking dumbass.
15:21
But because both had laughed and my brain was thinking OK I'm the
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last one that's going to get out the next stop.
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I was like this my stop and I didn't even look at the floor
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and I just walked to where my apartment would be and the door
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was unlocked. And no, it's not the first time
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I've done that. The other time, the the last
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time was several years ago and the door was locked.
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It was when I was headed to work and I'd forgotten something and
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walked back upstairs and tried to put my my key in the door.
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And I just heard this woman start screaming.
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No, no, no. And I was like, Oh my God, I'm
16:01
sorry. She was like screaming in
16:03
Spanish, but like, scared. And I was like, no, I'm sorry.
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I'm sorry. I got the wrong floor.
16:08
I'm your upstairs neighbor. What else?
16:12
Love Island also ended this week.
16:14
So now I have to find something else to do with my days and
16:16
nights. I guess I I do love watching the
16:21
people of Love Island have to reintegrate into society.
16:25
I think we need to track them, like when they re when they
16:28
release like domestic domesticated animals back into
16:32
the wild. I think they should be tagged.
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And I think we need to be able to see where they are at all
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times. Thank God Love Island UK is
16:41
still going and we probably still have like a month of that
16:44
left. It's so interesting 'cause it's
16:47
so easy to watch Love Island or any dating show and to like
16:51
judge the fuck out of everybody on it.
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That's what's they're for. It's forecasting judgement.
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But then I'm like, if I were in that situation, the way that I
17:01
would be insufferable, the way that they would have to put me
17:06
down like a dog because like if someone I was talking to even
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looked at another person, I would be like, it's over, it's
17:13
over. Have fun, have fun.
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Don't even invite me to your wedding because I'll ruin it.
17:20
No, I don't. That's why it's like Grinder is
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sometimes difficult for me because Grinder as opposed to
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any other, I mean, it's a different kind of app and I know
17:31
that. But Grinder shows people like
17:34
whether you're online or not. And you see whether other people
17:37
are online or not. And it will show you like this
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person was online 11 minutes ago.
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So it's like, you always know if someone was online and you're
17:48
like waiting for a message back from them, you're like, oh, so
17:52
you just came on to talk to someone else.
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You came on to be a whore with someone else.
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It's like my whole pictures meant nothing to you.
18:01
When I'm watching Love Island, it's so easy for me to be like,
18:04
calm down. Like it's about everyone's
18:06
exploring. Everyone's hoping you're not
18:08
dating this person, You're not exclusive with this person.
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And it's like, no, if I'm in that situation, I'm going
18:16
lethal. It's over for everybody.
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But no, I do have to remind myself that I'm like, it's OK,
18:23
but also, no, it's not. But also like, it does still
18:29
sort of feel like you're stabbing me in the heart.
18:32
It does really feel like you're like watching an Uber delivery
18:35
driver bringing you your food, but they're not getting any
18:39
closer. You check the app and you're
18:41
like, I see you're on here. Why are you not bringing me my
18:44
meat? All right, let's get into my
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what the hecks for the week. All the stuff that's making me
18:55
say what the heck, First Instagram announced and then
19:00
unannounced a new feature that I guess just lets anybody take any
19:05
public post and modify it with AI and everyone's like, what the
19:09
fuck is wrong with you? Take that shit back and then
19:14
they took it back because bullying works and that's that's
19:17
what I'm here to talk about today.
19:19
We need to be bullying tech CE OS way more.
19:23
And if they turn out like Elon Musk and destroy all of us, then
19:25
that's sort of the price we pay. But I think we should bully
19:28
them. I did love when Elon Musk's mom
19:32
was like, don't make fun of him. He's like kind of special and
19:35
everyone's like, we're going to do it harder and like, do you
19:41
you not realize the monster that you unleashed into this world?
19:45
Fuck that Lady and her fuck ass son.
19:48
So they announced this feature that allegedly kind of let
19:52
anybody who had it on you could use any of their content for and
19:58
like modify it with AI and it just like.
20:02
I can't imagine any use of that that would be good.
20:06
The Instagram CEO, he, they like rolled it back and they were
20:09
like, sorry, we missed the mark on that one.
20:11
But I've been looking into more of like sort of his thoughts
20:15
that Instagram guy on AI. And it sounds, I don't know,
20:21
sometimes these tech people will say something and I'm like, OK,
20:24
I think you seem like one of the good ones maybe and and you're
20:28
OK. But then he'll say something
20:29
else and I'm like, what is wrong with you?
20:32
Why do these people have the kind of keys to the future and
20:36
we just have to lay down and let them roll over us?
20:39
Adam Mosseri, I think his name is the head of Instagram.
20:42
He was saying like, you know, I don't think we should ban AI
20:47
content, but we should like if someone wants their feed to be
20:51
just AI stuff, then like that they should be able to have that
20:57
if they want. But like also, if you don't want
21:00
that, then you should, you should be able to not have it.
21:02
And I'm like, then give us the option to filter that shit out.
21:07
How? Why is there not an option to
21:09
say don't show me any of this fucking shit I don't want to see
21:13
your bullshit AI. Oh you and this celebrity at
21:17
dinner together? Nothing is more humiliating,
21:20
embarrassing, cringy to me than when someone posts like an AI
21:24
edit of themself with like a celebrity or just an any sort of
21:30
AI version of yourself in some funny situation.
21:34
No bring back shitty photoshops. I want to see someone where it's
21:39
like you can see it was from a completely different image that
21:43
you tried to cut out and paste it in.
21:46
That's fun. That tells a story.
21:49
I hate it so much. I've also seen brands brands
21:54
using AI to make like fake ads with people.
21:59
So I saw a handful of them where they would like Photoshop the
22:04
like cast of Love Island into their like yogurt shop or
22:07
something and be like, oh, Caleb is slinging the the yogurt
22:11
scoops today. It's like, that should fully be
22:14
illegal and they should shut your fucking throw your shop
22:17
down. That's disgusting to me.
22:21
The thing that people in support of AI will say is like, it's
22:26
it's happening whether you want it or not.
22:27
So like, you might as well adapt to it.
22:30
Didn't we ban cloning, human cloning?
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I think a number of countries, maybe not fully in the USI think
22:38
it's illegal in the US to use federal funds to support human
22:43
cloning. But it was like, there was a
22:45
point, but a number of countries around the world like fully ban
22:51
human cloning and like research into human cloning.
22:54
We realized as a society when that technology started becoming
22:58
like a possibility that like, this is fucked up.
23:02
This is not going to be good for society and humanity.
23:05
And we should like curtail this. And they did.
23:09
And now it's like here we have an another technology that is
23:13
potentially like threatening humanity and that a lot of
23:17
people fucking hate. And like 5 people in Silicon
23:20
Valley are, are just allowed to do whatever they want.
23:23
Hey, what if I destroy it all? Hey, what if this actually kills
23:30
all of us? The thing that gives me some
23:32
hope from this man is that he was saying like he does think
23:36
that we're going to like AI will sort of proliferate our feeds in
23:42
a way that like you will prioritize human made content.
23:47
I, I was thinking about that in terms of like, 'cause I saw this
23:50
one guy's face and I was like, this guy, he's so beautiful.
23:54
He looks like he's AI. And then I was like, that's kind
23:58
of, it kind of gave me the ick in a way that I'm like, it's
24:01
kind of good to be a little weird looking in this age when
24:06
like now you can just generate the most beautiful person that
24:09
you've seen. It's like, yeah, be interesting
24:12
and be kind of fucked up instead.
24:14
That's so much better than like whatever AI perfection you could
24:18
create. Fuck that pretty guy all.
24:22
Goes right. Yeah, I know.
24:26
I'm basically just using a bunch of other words besides ugly, but
24:32
everyone is beautiful in their own way, including me.
24:36
Next, I kind of saved reading this whole story until we
24:41
started recording, but there is this infamous killer elephant in
24:46
Nepal who has struck again. OK, this elephant has has
24:52
apparently been on like a 14 year rampage against one family
24:57
in particular. This elephant has killed 14
25:00
years over the course of 14 years, four people from the same
25:04
family. It is a tragedy, but also it's
25:09
the the New York Post headline is infamous killer elephant.
25:14
Infamous killer elephant stalks family and murders 4 members 14
25:18
years apart quote nowhere left for us to run.
25:24
This family is living out. I think it might have been the
25:27
elephant that like, wasn't there an elephant that like crashed
25:31
this woman's funeral? Yeah, yeah.
25:32
Is this the same? Elephant.
25:33
It might be the same elephant. A notorious rogue Nepalese
25:37
elephant has stalked these people for years, killing four
25:42
of his family members 14 years apart, including two, even after
25:45
they all moved miles away trying to escape him.
25:52
This is not funny. It's not funny.
25:56
The infamous killer elephant whose death toll is now up to
25:59
25. Oh my God, they'll, they'll put
26:03
a dog down if it bites like one person.
26:08
And I love that they're like, what are we going to do?
26:10
It's just a killer elephant. I, we need to bring back those
26:17
like 90s style movies. That was just about like at a
26:20
certain point in cinematic history, they just made a movie
26:23
every two months about a different killer animal.
26:26
It was like killer snake, killer bees, killer bats, killer rats,
26:33
killer spiders, killer sharks, famously.
26:38
So apparently they tried to kill him.
26:40
They sent like a small army to try to track down this elephant
26:44
and kill him. And he still got away.
26:45
You got to respect that. You got to respect that.
26:49
And I think that finally they were just like, no, we'll let
26:52
him be and we'll move away. And they moved miles away.
26:56
And then the the elephant tracked them down and killed
26:59
more people. Yeah.
27:00
According to Vice, 93 soldiers set out to kill him after the
27:05
2012 attack and shot him twice, but he still made a getaway.
27:10
I'm so sorry to this family, but, like, what did you do?
27:14
This is, I've been reading too much Greek mythology to not feel
27:18
like this is some type of, this is some type of, like, heavenly
27:22
omen. One of my favorite parts of the
27:25
Odyssey is when Odysseus gets like blown back to this this
27:30
like one guy helps him out and he he fucks up and gets blown
27:35
back to this guy's island and he's like, Hey, I'm back.
27:38
And the guy is like, get the fuck out of here.
27:41
Like clearly the gods hate you if you keep showing up.
27:46
This means that like they don't fuck with you and I'm not going
27:49
to fuck with you and find out. And I love that.
27:52
I love it that he's like, you're fucking cursed.
27:54
I tried helping you once. And I think that we should be
27:57
telling more people that your friends who fuck up twice, it's
28:01
like I gave you one shot. You fuck up twice now, it's kind
28:05
of like clearly something, something in the universe is not
28:11
kind of fucking with your energy.
28:13
And so I'm going to excuse myself anyway.
28:16
Shout out to this elephant. I feel like no, no, no, I
28:20
shouldn't glorify the killer elephant, but I just as someone
28:25
who will famously hold a grudge, I this this elephant is sort of
28:30
doing it for me. In other animal attack news, did
28:38
you guys see the video of the Buffalo rocking that one guy
28:40
shit at Yellowstone? This guy in Yellowstone, they
28:45
were looking at like a big a big old bison or big old Buffalo.
28:49
Bison is a type of Buffalo. I think I spelled Buffalo.
28:53
That was the word that I spelled correctly that got me into the
28:56
spelling bee in the 4th grade. And then guess what word I
28:59
spelled wrong? Squirrel.
29:04
SQUIRRELL. Tough.
29:12
Nothing is worse 'cause like when you're a kid in this
29:16
spelling bee, like you watch the spelling bee with the smart kids
29:19
on TV and they're spelling words that none of us have even heard
29:22
before. Aerodosyclitis or whatever.
29:26
But as a kid, you're spelling words that all of the parents in
29:31
the audience also know how to spell.
29:33
And so when you spell it wrong, you just kind of hear the kind
29:36
of, oh, in the crowd. It's pretty devastating.
29:41
It has stuck with me for 30 years.
29:45
But anyway, yeah. This couple was taking pictures
29:47
of a bison in Yellowstone and then it started chasing him.
29:53
The chasing the guy kind of Looney Tune style and they were
29:57
chasing him around a tree. There was a vehicle right there.
30:00
By the way. I don't know why that guy didn't
30:02
hide behind the the the truck. Not the victim blame, but like
30:06
if I were in the vicinity of an Suvi would hide behind it if a
30:09
bison were chasing me. That's just my advice, but what
30:13
do I know? Never even seen a bison, but
30:17
yeah, it kind of chased him, Looney Tune style, and then hit
30:20
him and he went flying in the air.
30:24
I just watched the video. Let me pull it up.
30:27
It's so scary. Oh, my God, yeah.
30:36
I don't know. Is he OK?
30:38
Can we get a, can we get an update on that guy's sort of
30:41
medical status? He was hospitalized as of this
30:47
time. I think that's kind of all we
30:48
know. OK, might recover, but it's
30:51
going to be a long recovery. Well, I'm sorry, Sir.
30:55
I'm sorry for laughing at your pain along with the rest of the
30:57
Internet. But unfortunately, you did kind
31:01
of go up into the air in a very funny way.
31:05
The other thing I would like to know before I laugh more is was
31:08
were they like too close? Did it come out of nowhere
31:11
'cause that is the thing. And this is not the first story
31:14
like this that I've I've seen is like there are a number of
31:20
people and I think the number of bison attacks has like gone up
31:24
because all of these people keep getting so close to these
31:27
animals, wild animals, by the way, one of the most wild
31:32
animals even. And they get so close to them to
31:37
try to take pictures and stuff and then they get their shed
31:39
rocked. Oh, it's also peak breeding
31:42
season. Yeah, it's it's peak mating
31:44
season. Oh, it's peak bison fucking
31:47
season. So you go near there, they smell
31:50
your pheromones. They say, yeah, get out of here.
31:53
This way I can't go anywhere near a bison because they would
31:56
smell this sort of raw masculinity coming off of me and
31:59
would view me as a threat to their beautiful cows.
32:04
But yeah, it's like I it's like, don't go near that.
32:07
That's not for us. That's why I don't fuck with
32:09
Yellowstone. What do you mean?
32:12
There's just a hole that spews out an angry, an angry stream of
32:17
water. And we we just say, oh, look at
32:20
this fun. No, one day it's going to
32:21
explode and kill half of the United States and it's like
32:24
overdue by 1000 years or whatever.
32:29
It's one of kind of one of the reasons that I will never live
32:32
in LA is like, I'm so afraid of earthquakes and how they just
32:36
don't prepare you for it. They don't tell you when you
32:39
arrive. We, I went through years of
32:41
tornado training. OK, we were, we were in that
32:44
hallway face down ASAP. And the you land in LA, they
32:49
should give you a pamphlet at least saying like, here's
32:52
what'll happen if you're here. I've just kind of accepted that
32:55
if I'm in LA, when even a minor earthquake happens, I have to
32:58
take my own life. I, I refuse to live in a world
33:03
in which I have to experience an earthquake because I don't know
33:07
what I, I, I literally don't know what I would do anyway.
33:10
Next, there was also more cake drama on the Internet in a way
33:15
that I do not give a shit about. Sometimes you open up an app and
33:19
people will be yelling and screaming about something and
33:21
you're like, you know what? I don't think I could be
33:23
bothered with this one. I'm going to set out this
33:25
discourse cycle. Oh, you're mad at because some
33:28
lady complained about her birthday cake that was Peach
33:31
instead of light pink and people are like issuing death threats
33:36
to one another over it? The way that battle lines get
33:39
drawn like this over Tiktok drama is fascinating.
33:46
We need to study this phenomenon.
33:48
I mean, I think people are studying it because it's
33:50
basically what's tearing our country apart.
33:53
It's like everything is just geared towards making you mad
33:56
now. And so it's like, why am I
33:58
pissed off about a cake for a birthday cake for a person I do
34:01
not know made by a cake decorator that I do not know
34:07
based on a a shade of pink that could not be less interesting to
34:11
me. And yet I'm, I'm vibrating
34:14
because of it. Because now I've read like a
34:17
lawyer. I've, I've read both both sides
34:20
during my discovery phase. Anyway, now I think it's time
34:26
for a voicemail from the what the Heck hotline.
34:29
The what the heck hotline? Of course, the number that any
34:32
of you can call to leave your what the heck of the week four O
34:36
7. WTH Matt?
34:39
Let's hear this week's caller. Hello Matt and Barry, this is
34:42
Maggie and I have a what the heck?
34:44
I'm driving in a 2021 Subaru Outback and this fucking car
34:52
always thinks it knows how to drive better than I do.
34:55
It's beeping, I, I even remotely drift towards a line, any line
35:02
on the road and it goes, it sees a car 100 feet ahead of me
35:08
stopping and it slams on the fucking brakes.
35:11
I, I almost caught the freaking collision right here on the
35:15
highway because of this fucking car.
35:18
Anyways, sorry about that. Hope you're having a great day.
35:26
OK, bye. I don't know if I can support
35:32
calling the What the Heck hotline in in the midst of road
35:35
rage, but I like where your heart's at.
35:42
Can you not turn those features off or you're just kind of a
35:45
victim to your car's brain? To a certain degree you can turn
35:50
them off, but not like all the way depending on the model.
35:54
Sometimes those things are in in place for a reason, though, and
35:58
I know you're you may be a good driver, but like some people
36:02
need the help, including me, including me sometimes I did a
36:07
few years ago. I don't have my own car.
36:10
I've never had my own car, but I do drive, especially when I'm
36:13
home in Chicago. I'll drive my like dad's car
36:17
around. And I had a podcast recording
36:20
that was in like the city of Chicago and I had to go to the
36:25
studio that had a parking garage and I went to park next to a a
36:30
very large parking garage pole parking garages.
36:33
By the way, you're asking me to make a like 170° angle turn?
36:41
Are you kidding me? It's like the same way that
36:43
theater seats were built for people that are like, you know,
36:47
maximum £100 because that's all that people weighed back in the
36:51
day when they built a theater. That's how we feel about parking
36:55
garages. Parking garages are not designed
36:56
for these fat ass cars. But I my dad just had a sedan.
37:01
It still does. Same car.
37:03
And anyway, I was pulling into a parking spot and it would have
37:07
been nice if it went Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding 'cause I did in
37:10
fact scrape the side of the vehicle on the parking, the
37:14
parking pole and it started making a crunching noise.
37:18
I started making a crunching noise.
37:20
And you know when your car makes a crunching noise and you're
37:22
like, do I keep going or do I back up?
37:25
Is will it make it worse if I keep going or will it actually
37:28
Get Me Out of the situation if I keep going?
37:31
Even saying it out loud now I'm like, that logic doesn't make
37:34
sense. But I did, in fact, keep going.
37:39
And I just kept hearing. And then I remember getting into
37:45
the podcast recording, I was like, yeah, I just kind of
37:47
scraped a pole and I pulled out a picture of it and showed
37:51
everybody. And they were like, oh, my God,
37:53
are you OK? Like, his car got fucked up.
37:57
The entire side of the car. No, I'll put a picture of it in
38:03
the video in the YouTube. But yeah, I thought that the
38:07
car's so bad. I still think that that was the
38:10
pole's fault and not my fault. It's like, why?
38:14
Why is this giant pole here? But I'm telling you, in that
38:17
situation, it might have been nice to have a car that kind of
38:20
went beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
38:24
And I do think my dad's car does that.
38:27
But it was just like, I was a little too close.
38:29
It didn't even it, it all happened to have asked.
38:32
But yeah, I had to drive all the way back home and I, I was like,
38:35
I was in a minor Fender Bender with an inanimate object.
38:42
But yeah, I, so I, I sympathize with your car making beeps at
38:47
you. I would say as occasionally
38:50
whenever I rent a car to drive like long distances, driving on
38:55
the highway with a car like that is really nice 'cause it's like
38:59
you kind of can check out a little bit.
39:03
You kind of can check out and it's like it'll kind of start
39:06
slowing down for you. And like, you know, sometimes
39:09
you want to fall asleep and it's nice to have a car that will
39:14
make sure you don't do that, or at least don't die if and when
39:17
it happens Next. Why are we dipping cones of ice
39:26
cream in pure melted butter? Are you seeing this?
39:32
Did I see one video and it pissed me off so much and I
39:35
didn't look into it any further. Possibly, but I think it's it's
39:38
kind of a State Fair style food where they're they dip a cone of
39:44
ice cream into a whole thing of melted butter.
39:49
It is perhaps a less refined version of people who put olive
39:54
oil and salt on their vanilla ice cream, which I think is
39:57
disgusting. Sicko Barfo.
39:59
Why are we putting olive oil on ice cream?
40:02
That's not where that goes. Ice cream is already delicious
40:06
and pure. I Dua Lipa, who normally I
40:10
respect because of her hot husband and everything else that
40:13
she does. She was kind of a loud proponent
40:16
of putting olive oil on ice cream.
40:19
And I'm like Dua no. Let's rethink that one because
40:23
I'm not a fan. Maybe it was just like a novelty
40:26
11 time thing that. No, yeah, it's a trend We we, we
40:30
confirmed on the Internet. Butter dipped ice cream.
40:32
Yeah. It's so gross.
40:35
You're looking at a guy who has put some pretty horrific things
40:38
in and around his mouth. OK, Not to mention that it if
40:42
you were to describe to a stoned person like an ideal food, a
40:47
butter dipped ice cream cone sounds like it would be
40:51
something appealing. But here's the thing.
40:53
No, it doesn't. It doesn't even sound appealing
40:56
to a stoned person. I am someone who you get a
40:59
couple hits of weed in me, I'll eat almost anything that you put
41:02
in front of me. But even the sound of a butter
41:06
dipped ice cream cone to my stoned brain sounds like an
41:10
assault. When you were a kid, did you
41:13
used to eat that? When you went to a restaurant
41:14
and they had the little butter things, did you just eat the
41:16
butter out of the thing or is that OK?
41:19
All right. I don't think I did either, but
41:26
I do have a memory and nobody else remembers this in my family
41:29
of my aunt feeding butter, a packet of butter to my cousin
41:34
and everybody is like, that never happened.
41:36
I don't know what you're talking about.
41:38
And I'm like, I I seen it. I used to drink the little half
41:43
and half cups. Yeah, but I, yeah, I, I feel
41:47
like I remember my cousin getting fed just the butter
41:51
pack. And I was like, oh, that's
41:53
interesting. And she's a lesbian now, so you
41:57
never know kind of what that did to her neurologically.
42:03
What if being gay is a choice, but it's just based on how much
42:05
butter you had as a child? Who's to say my last thing?
42:14
And maybe this is just me. Sometimes I feel like Sandra
42:18
Bullock and Miss Congeniality when it's like, what's the one
42:22
thing that you would change in the world?
42:23
And she's like harsher penalties for parole violators.
42:29
Sometimes I feel like that when I'm complaining about stuff.
42:31
I'm like, I know you just want me to say World Peace.
42:35
But one very specific food Internet thing that pisses me
42:41
the fuck off is when people post these videos that are supposed
42:46
to be make you go, that looks so yummy and it's just clearly an
42:51
goopy under baked food item. Yeah, people are cutting into
42:55
these cinnamon rolls, and it's supposed to be some type of
42:57
enticing video. Like, oh, look at this delicious
43:01
gooey cinnamon roll. That's not gooey because you
43:04
added yummy goo to it. It's gooey because it's not
43:07
baked. It's raw.
43:10
How many, how many times did Gordon Ramsay have to fucking
43:13
yell at people for you to get it into your head that that shit is
43:17
raw? I know some people like raw
43:19
cookie dough, but they'll be like, oh, look at this yummy
43:22
cookie dough. Like look at this yummy gooey
43:25
cookie. It's raw.
43:28
It's a raw cookie. It's one thing to be like, oh, I
43:31
like soft warm cookies. It's another thing to be like
43:34
that You're eating dough. You're eating uncooked dough.
43:39
A cookie is the maybe the one thing that I can be like, I can
43:42
see how that might be, you know, enticing a, a, a gooey cinnamon
43:48
roll that is just like under baked dough under under baked
43:53
bread dough. If it's turning to motion my
43:56
mouth you've done something wrong and I get so pissed.
44:00
I I I need to create a separate account just for yelling at
44:03
people about the undercooked food that they're putting on my
44:06
feed. I'll be in your Instagram videos
44:09
but you're posting pictures of your delicious cinnamon roll.
44:12
Raw. Raw looks gross raw, Kill
44:16
yourself raw, end it all. That's disgusting and I don't
44:22
care if you like it. You're wrong.
44:23
I think that's it. I think I can move into my what
44:27
the hey for the week, which is the thing that's making me happy
44:30
this week. This one is weird, but I saw a
44:34
tweet that delighted me so much and that sent me down a rabbit
44:37
hole about a gentleman by the name of Benjamin Lay.
44:41
It was just a tweet that was like, does everybody know about
44:43
this guy? He is a little person.
44:47
He's a four foot tall person from the from the 1600s who it's
44:55
like this white English guy who kidnapped slave owners children
45:01
to be like, how do you like it? He's kind of like a folk a like
45:06
a literal folk hero. He sounds like someone made him
45:09
up, but he was like a famous abolitionist from the 1600s who
45:14
was so passionate and he was 4 feet tall and he would do all of
45:20
these crazy tricks to try to be like you're all terrible people
45:24
if you own slaves. One of which was kidnapping like
45:29
a white child. I don't know how this 4 foot
45:34
tall man just managed to sneak away with a a child, but he
45:38
kidnapped a white child to kind of prove to the slave owners how
45:43
it feels to have your child ripped away.
45:47
So love that for him. Another thing, the most iconic
45:49
thing that he did. Let me find the thing.
45:52
In 1738, he attended a Philadelphia Yearly Meeting of
45:58
Quakers in New Jersey dressed as a soldier.
46:02
He went on this kind of diatribe against against slavery.
46:07
And then he plunged a sword into a Bible that had the bladder
46:14
like an animal, bladder full of blood red juice.
46:17
And it like burst open in this meeting.
46:20
So he stabbed a Bible, blood red juice comes pouring out.
46:26
And he was saying it, you know, this is like the blood of the
46:28
people who enslave enslaved people.
46:31
So he was doing, he was using guerrilla tactics to get people
46:36
on board. And I think we can thank him,
46:39
you know, Oh, Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves.
46:41
No, Benjamin Leigh, 4 foot tall. Benjamin Leigh was stabbing the
46:47
Bible and burst, having it burst with blood.
46:51
He was doing that shit hundreds of years earlier and we love
46:54
that for him. For that would say what the heck
46:56
and. For that I do say what the heck.
47:03
And that's it for this weeks episode.
47:05
Thank you for listening, thank you for watching.
47:08
Make sure you leave a review only if it's nice.
47:10
I don't want to hear your shit. Give us a nice rating, leave a
47:14
nice comment, make sure you watch and engage with the stuff
47:18
we're putting on Instagram and TikTok.
47:21
And that's it. I'll see you next week.
47:23
Bye. This has been an episode of What
47:26
the Heck with Matt Belisai. You can call and leave us a
47:29
voicemail about what's making you say what the heck this week
47:32
and you might be featured on a future episode.
47:34
Call us at 407-984-6288. That's four O 7.
47:38
WTH Matt. What the heck with Matt?
47:40
Belisai is produced by same boat Studios and Belisai Productions.
47:44
It's hosted by me, Matt Belisai. Our executive producers are
47:47
Gabriel Lewis, Barry Finkel and me, Matt Bellisai.
47:50
Erica Glass is our senior producer.
47:52
Our video editors are Matt Bellisai and Erica Glass.
47:54
Production designed by Erica Glass, Matt Bellisai and Barry
47:57
Finkel. Our theme music is courtesy of
47:59
epidemicsound.com. Special thanks to Truffles
48:02
Bellisai.