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Leaving your family with nothing after you die, having fat kids, and sexy King Kong · Questionable Detour

• 0:00
  Excuse me, what is going on here?
• 0:04
  But first we're gonna make a little detour.
• 0:09
  So absurd, so questionable.
• 0:12
  Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
• 0:15
  Expect the detour.
• 0:25
  So death, right around the corner.
• 0:28
  Just imminent.
• 0:30
  I feel its reach.
• 0:32
  It's coming for us all.
• 0:34
  Death is coming.
• 0:38
  Don't say it so sternly.
• 0:42
  Did you order death to...
• 0:44
  Did you make him do it?
• 0:48
  So when death finally comes...
• 0:52
  Why did it take so long?
• 0:54
  You've lived a nice long life.
• 0:58
  Long life.
• 1:00
  Death finally comes and takes you.
• 1:04
  You did the correct legal steps and writing a will.
• 1:08
  Your family sitting around that mahogany desk in that lawyer's office.
• 1:12
  He's coming to.
• 1:18
  It's awkward for your family!
• 1:20
  They have to wait!
• 1:22
  They have to wait for that will!
• 1:26
  He's so amped about what he's gonna get paid for this!
• 1:32
  He loves doing wills!
• 1:36
  Is he Louis C.K.ing it or is he just behind the desk?
• 1:38
  He's under the desk!
• 1:40
  He's respectful.
• 1:42
  Your family's all sitting around that mahogany desk with that very invigorated lawyer.
• 1:44
  And they're waiting for that will to be read off.
• 1:48
  I'm wondering...
• 1:50
  What have you given your family?
• 1:52
  What's in your will?
• 1:54
  So for the last will, I'll probably put Smith in there from the movie Hancock.
• 1:56
  Definitely.
• 1:58
  So you're putting Will Smith in there.
• 2:00
  And you aren't the first white person to put an African American in the will.
• 2:02
  Yeah, mine's not like the ownership of Will Smith.
• 2:04
  It's more just like a picture.
• 2:06
  It's like a picture of Will Smith.
• 2:08
  It's like a picture of Will Smith.
• 2:10
  It's like a picture of Will Smith.
• 2:12
  It's more just like a picture.
• 2:14
  Oh, okay.
• 2:16
  You didn't have a lot.
• 2:18
  A headshot of him from the movie Hancock.
• 2:20
  And then for the testament piece of it,
• 2:22
  it'll probably be a York peppermint patty.
• 2:24
  Yeah, okay.
• 2:26
  So you didn't do a lot with your life, is what I'm hearing.
• 2:28
  You didn't leave a lot to your family.
• 2:30
  You didn't leave a lot to your family.
• 2:32
  Well, those are the two things I want them to remember me by.
• 2:34
  So that will be my last will and testament.
• 2:36
  So that will be my last will and testament.
• 2:38
  Right.
• 2:40
  Do you have anything else or is that just kind of everything you own?
• 2:42
  Everything in your pocket when you died,
• 2:44
  everything in your pocket when you died,
• 2:46
  when they fished you out of the river.
• 2:48
  I'm getting buried with all that.
• 2:50
  Like an old pharaoh?
• 2:52
  Like an old pharaoh?
• 2:54
  I'm taking it with me.
• 2:56
  Even the cat that they own?
• 2:58
  I was getting buried with old Papa Evan.
• 3:00
  It's got to go with me.
• 3:02
  If I owned it, it's going with me.
• 3:04
  Into the grave.
• 3:06
  Other than the picture of Will Smith and the York peppermint patty?
• 3:08
  I want them to see my last will as Smith
• 3:10
  and to be my last mint that I test to be a York peppermint patty.
• 3:16
  Which I assume though, if a guy is going to leave his family a picture of Will Smith from Hancock,
• 3:24
  he's probably got a dual copy that he'll get buried with.
• 3:26
  Of course.
• 3:28
  It's not the master. I'm not giving them the master copy.
• 3:30
  No, not at all.
• 3:32
  I wouldn't be a good steward of that all.
• 3:34
  Right, yeah. I mean, you know, what God has given you.
• 3:38
  So, I mean, you're just leaving your family out to dry as far as the finances of the funeral
• 3:44
  and then the life after your death, aren't you?
• 3:46
  That's not my problem.
• 3:48
  Okay, yeah, because you're dead.
• 3:50
  I'm dead, yeah. They can't get me anymore.
• 3:52
  I imagine your coffin just looking like a child's toy bin.
• 3:56
  Yeah.
• 3:58
  It'll just be plastic with just stuffed animals hanging around you.
• 4:02
  Yeah.
• 4:04
  It'll just be plastic overflowing with just random knickknacks that I had around my house.
• 4:09
  Garden gnomes, maybe.
• 4:11
  Garden gnomes?
• 4:13
  Yeah, the garden gnomes were my garden.
• 4:15
  They were like, I don't know about that. I never understood that thing with gnomes.
• 4:20
  Remember how I used to go out there and sit in the garden with them?
• 4:24
  Wearing that dumb hat?
• 4:26
  Wait, what was the hat?
• 4:28
  The gnome hat.
• 4:30
  He thought that he would always go out there and pretend to be a gnome for hours on end.
• 4:36
  I've always respected how they ward off the spirits and kind of keep them out of the garden.
• 4:41
  You're taking them into the afterlife.
• 4:43
  Right.
• 4:44
  You always said they were this country's first line of defense.
• 4:48
  If something can get past a gnome, what's going to stop it?
• 4:52
  An F-250?
• 4:55
  What's the plane?
• 4:57
  F-22?
• 5:00
  F-22 fighter pilot?
• 5:02
  Probably not. If a gnome can't stop it, then an F-22 can.
• 5:05
  I imagine the boat driver that takes you over the River Styx in Griefman mythology.
• 5:11
  Evan's sitting at the dock.
• 5:13
  He's died. He obviously died.
• 5:16
  He's sitting at the dock and that guy, Charon, is it?
• 5:21
  Charon comes up to him and he's like, you ready to go?
• 5:26
  Evan's like, one second.
• 5:27
  And he has to spend the next 25 minutes watching Evan load up all his crap onto that boat.
• 5:34
  And most of it's irrelevant stuff like gnomes.
• 5:37
  Yeah. I have another boat of just things that we tow behind it.
• 5:42
  Evan's like, I ordered the larger boat. Did you not get that?
• 5:47
  We're going to need a bigger boat.
• 5:50
  Charon's like, that's not the last time I've heard that.
• 5:55
  It's like I've been doing this for eternity.
• 5:58
  I've never needed a bigger boat.
• 6:00
  How did you get all this here?
• 6:03
  I like to imagine like in the real world, like reality, the gnomes are just like garden gnomes.
• 6:08
  But after Evan takes them over the great horizon, they're just like animated little gnomes.
• 6:14
  And they're actually like actual gnomes.
• 6:16
  And like this is how Evan has always seen them.
• 6:21
  They're just causing mischief and jumping around on that boat.
• 6:24
  I like that idea.
• 6:26
  But hey, I'm glad you're leaving a lot to your family.
• 6:28
  Just a picture of an actor and probably not even an in-date York peppermint patty.
• 6:33
  There's no way that thing is fresh.
• 6:35
  No.
• 6:36
  Alan, you die. You kick the bucket. You're pushing daisies.
• 6:39
  What's your family waiting on in that Will and Testament reading?
• 6:43
  Well, I hope they do gather around that lawyer's office all around the mahogany desk.
• 6:48
  And he's just reading off. I hope he's reading off just sheets full of stuff that I have to give off.
• 6:54
  Right now, I don't have a lot of things to leave for my family.
• 6:58
  So I'm probably just going to say I'm just going to leave them all the denim that I have.
• 7:02
  You have a lot of denim.
• 7:04
  And yeah, that's quite a bit of denim. That's sort of what I've invested in.
• 7:07
  I don't back my money on the gold standard.
• 7:11
  I think that's outdated. It's the denim standard.
• 7:14
  You and Arizona both and maybe West Texas.
• 7:18
  Yeah.
• 7:19
  The old denim standard.
• 7:21
  Yeah, I think it's less people are doing it, but I think gradually it'll be the other states will follow.
• 7:29
  Yeah.
• 7:30
  So basically, when I die, the whole country should be converted to the denim standard.
• 7:36
  That's in your Will?
• 7:37
  Well, by that time, by my death, I plan to have all of the United States converted over.
• 7:43
  You have big plans.
• 7:44
  Yeah. So by me leaving all my denim to my family, they will be, for lack of a better word, millionaires, billionaires, probably.
• 7:54
  I mean, could be.
• 7:56
  In the currency of denim.
• 7:57
  In the currency of denim, yeah.
• 7:58
  Yeah. So I'm not expecting you to tell them that you've switched over this currency.
• 8:03
  So they're legitimately waiting.
• 8:05
  I wanted to be surprised.
• 8:06
  Yeah.
• 8:07
  They're legitimately waiting for millions of dollars and the mansion, but no, that lawyer just starts pulling out cases of just denim jackets.
• 8:17
  And I wish it was just jackets, but sometimes it's just sheets of denim.
• 8:21
  Socks of denim.
• 8:23
  Like boat sails made of denim.
• 8:27
  Sword sheaths made of denim.
• 8:30
  You know, a lot of people want to be rich in things like love and friendship, but I think once your family sees that they're denim rich, I think they'll mean so much more than anything else you could leave them.
• 8:42
  Love is one of those things that what good is it doing for you?
• 8:46
  Right.
• 8:48
  I mean, denim does so much more than love does on a scale basis.
• 8:53
  You know, like you can see what denim does when it's wet, you chafe.
• 8:59
  That's a visual representation of denim's action in your life.
• 9:04
  I mean, you can't really see love.
• 9:06
  This is turned into a sermon.
• 9:08
  It says you really do believe in the soapbox.
• 9:11
  Yeah.
• 9:12
  And most soap boxes should be replaced by soap bags made of denim.
• 9:17
  I imagine after this will is read that your family moves into the ghetto because you didn't leave them any money.
• 9:24
  No, but they're dressed head to toe in denim.
• 9:27
  They've got their denim tents set up outside and they keep yelling at people like crazy people saying, you know, our day is going to come soon.
• 9:36
  You know, you go into their house that is now just great.
• 9:41
  It looks like an assault in house, you know, with, you know, salt in house has all the plush pillows everywhere and the canvases canvas curtains kind of draped everywhere.
• 9:52
  But it's just denim.
• 9:53
  It's just kind of a blue glob of just denim throughout their house.
• 9:58
  It looks like how somebody might dress a room in the early nineties.
• 10:04
  Oh, man, I'm glad that your will is it has a kind of a manifesto and a like a point that has a goal.
• 10:12
  I think everything should have some sort of bent to it, you know, like, you know, keeps life interesting.
• 10:17
  You know what I think support agendas.
• 10:20
  Yeah, I think it's important to always have an agenda when you're doing something and then it was your agenda.
• 10:25
  That's your life work.
• 10:26
  Yeah, I think so.
• 10:27
  OK, that'll be good.
• 10:28
  Again, I love that we've committed to screwing over our family.
• 10:33
  We've pulled ourselves up from the denim bootstraps from the denim bootstraps and we've made something of ourselves.
• 10:41
  We are a breach.
• 10:42
  We are three.
• 10:43
  But we will.
• 10:44
  We are three pre podcast moguls.
• 10:48
  We are yet, but we are on track within the next three to four months of being being wealthy beyond our years.
• 10:59
  Reminder to everybody, write your will, prepare your family for the inevitable.
• 11:03
  Get ahead of that.
• 11:04
  Be productive and proactive.
• 11:07
  Welcome to Questable Detour.
• 11:09
  Let's do a hypothetical.
• 11:10
  Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
• 11:15
  I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
• 11:18
  Well, that's a hypothetical question.
• 11:21
  There's a yin yang in life in that, you know, one day you will die, but you also produce life and we are all here.
• 11:28
  Very virile.
• 11:30
  Just potent, just potent, just a lot of it.
• 11:36
  So much.
• 11:37
  It's it's I mean, it's not unlike just shooting cock.
• 11:44
  And you ever see somebody run a bead on a bathtub?
• 11:51
  You ever you ever buy the family size bottle of ranch?
• 11:58
  I just take the top off and squeeze that bad boy.
• 12:03
  Yeah.
• 12:06
  The point is we produce life.
• 12:08
  And since we produce life, inevitably those children are going to have to go to school and it's going to you're going to have to go through the awkward situation where you're going to have to go to a parent teacher meeting because I mean, you aren't going to raise your kids.
• 12:20
  Well, you've you've you've officially done your job in the fact that you have reproduced.
• 12:25
  You know, but raising them.
• 12:26
  Yeah, not on you.
• 12:27
  So when you inevitably go to this parent teacher conference, how do you handle that?
• 12:30
  How do you handle your child getting in trouble and then being in that tiny little office with that teacher?
• 12:36
  I think as a parent, it's important to teacher children that when there are people that are looking down and oppressing you, you should stand up for yourself and fight back.
• 12:47
  Yeah. Stand up to the bullies of this world.
• 12:50
  People like teachers that want to oppress these children and tell them not to do things.
• 12:56
  Tell them, hey, you did this thing.
• 12:58
  Now you're going to get punished for it.
• 13:00
  The bullies of the world like that.
• 13:02
  So I think it's important to make sure when you go to a parent teacher meeting conference, whatever you want to call it, that you want your kid to see you pack your nunchucks pack your bo staff.
• 13:14
  You're very Asian geared pack your weaponry.
• 13:17
  You're small daggers.
• 13:19
  And as you go into that meeting, make sure that that teacher knows that you know, mixed martial arts.
• 13:25
  Do you go in there just as a show of force, have your child hold a two by four and you just karate chop it right in front of them?
• 13:33
  Of course.
• 13:34
  You get you let out a loud every time you open the door.
• 13:40
  You go in there barefoot.
• 13:44
  Yeah, with a robe with a robe.
• 13:47
  Let me ask you a leveling question about the outfit.
• 13:49
  Do you prefer the gi or the kimono?
• 13:52
  So the kimono, it allows for more range of movement.
• 13:57
  I thought you might say that.
• 13:58
  So I do believe that that is only experience.
• 14:02
  I only experienced martial artists would know that.
• 14:04
  And as far as the gi, you're not you're not gi.
• 14:08
  I don't care about butter.
• 14:10
  So I am going to pick the kimono.
• 14:14
  You're you're being real gi about this.
• 14:19
  Like are you gay?
• 14:22
  What?
• 14:23
  I'm saying gi gi gi.
• 14:26
  Yes.
• 14:27
  Don't be gi.
• 14:28
  My child isn't bad.
• 14:29
  Yeah.
• 14:30
  So I mean, you want to stand up to that teacher.
• 14:32
  You want to if they start saying, hey, this is what your kid did.
• 14:36
  We can't be having this.
• 14:37
  Maybe that bo stuff.
• 14:38
  Oh, yeah.
• 14:39
  You're going to start sliding out of your it's back saddle.
• 14:42
  Pat, where it's at.
• 14:45
  It's not like when you say your back, the back saddle, which is that it's horizontal with the ground.
• 14:50
  So you've been having trouble going through doors this whole time.
• 14:52
  Yeah.
• 14:53
  You have to kind of like bend over and do a barrel roll.
• 14:56
  But you get through.
• 14:57
  What was it that your kid got in trouble for?
• 14:59
  Listen, little Steve has a thing for muskrats.
• 15:03
  OK.
• 15:04
  And is that so wrong?
• 15:05
  Like like a fetish from like a little thing for us.
• 15:09
  What do you mean?
• 15:11
  Just what kind of weird stuff Steve into?
• 15:14
  He's involved with muskrat.
• 15:16
  Now, that doesn't help.
• 15:18
  He digging your hole.
• 15:20
  Yeah, the hole further for Steve.
• 15:22
  Listen, he's he's been.
• 15:26
  There's no good verb here.
• 15:29
  He's been very interested in muskrats as his whole life.
• 15:35
  He's studied them.
• 15:36
  You're like, you know what, Steve, screw the muskrats.
• 15:38
  And he was like, OK.
• 15:39
  Yeah, he took it a little too literal.
• 15:42
  No, I, of course, got Steve at least three for his birthday last year.
• 15:47
  So muskrat muskrats.
• 15:48
  Yeah, muskrats.
• 15:49
  Since he has just such a fondness for them.
• 15:53
  And yes, maybe he let them loose in the school and put them in people's backpacks.
• 15:58
  And oh, OK.
• 15:59
  So he's brought him to school and is now terrorizing the school with small mammals.
• 16:03
  I wouldn't call it terrorizing more of introducing them to a new space,
• 16:09
  which is important for animals.
• 16:10
  Sure, absolutely.
• 16:12
  And I just think that's that's just him being a good man of science.
• 16:17
  And I like this thought of this kid is bringing rodents into the school.
• 16:22
  So this teacher has a call parent teacher conference.
• 16:25
  And then you come in in a kimono barefoot with two by fours ready to chop in front of them.
• 16:31
  He's like, I understand where this spawn comes from.
• 16:35
  Yeah, he says.
• 16:36
  Now I know how cool how he got so cool.
• 16:38
  OK, you convinced him.
• 16:40
  Yeah, he saw me and he was like, this family is awesome.
• 16:43
  Yeah. For an intimidation tactic on the two by fours,
• 16:47
  do you write the teacher's name before you chop it in half?
• 16:50
  I do. I mean, I bring in, you know, the body body punching bag thing.
• 16:55
  Yeah, I bring in one of those and put his face on it
• 16:59
  and then just kind of go to town with the nunchucks on it.
• 17:02
  Yeah, absolutely. As we walk in.
• 17:03
  There's no easy way to carry that, too.
• 17:05
  So you're dragging what essentially is just dead weight of one hundred and fifty pounds into the school.
• 17:11
  Yeah. Yeah. No, it takes a lot of effort.
• 17:14
  But I think the effort being put in really shows the teacher that we're serious.
• 17:18
  Right. I mean, you're coming in sweating, bloody for some reason.
• 17:22
  Yeah. You know, I'm always bleeding a little bit.
• 17:25
  That's my secret.
• 17:27
  I like to think that you set the body bag up on the ceiling,
• 17:30
  but you didn't get like a load bearing bar that pulls tiles down. Yeah.
• 17:37
  Yeah. It just pulls the little netting down that holds the tiles up. Yeah.
• 17:43
  At what age do you use your son as the punching bag?
• 17:47
  I assume if he's old enough to go to school, he's old enough to take a hit.
• 17:52
  And he has a weird kink for muskrat. So he kind of deserves it. Yeah.
• 17:56
  Once they hit second grade and their cranium starts to develop a little bit more,
• 18:01
  you really want to get it before it's fully developed.
• 18:04
  That way it can still heal itself. But right.
• 18:07
  You do start taking swings at him just so the teacher knows it's not just a stationary bag that you can take out.
• 18:14
  You want to you want to the teacher know you're going to punish Steve. Right.
• 18:17
  Well, I don't want to punish Steve. Steve did nothing wrong. OK.
• 18:21
  But you're still going to sidekick him right into the right in the chest, right for the teacher. Right.
• 18:26
  Of course. I mean, it's a show of force.
• 18:28
  The this is something I've learned from the Japanese is you got to be willing to sacrifice your own to really get a message across.
• 18:35
  And that's what I learned from kamikazes. Right.
• 18:39
  And you also learn from the Japanese that Hawaii, not that great. Not a big fan.
• 18:45
  I've got to say there's one specific harbor, you know, just kind of really gets my goat. Yeah.
• 18:52
  I just want to look cool. Yeah.
• 18:56
  And that's why you kick indoors. Right. So I kick in door.
• 18:59
  I sling nunchucks around. I beat my child a little bit. Yeah.
• 19:04
  He knocked on the teacher's door and they're like, come in.
• 19:08
  Takes a second. Also, dramatically, the door just kicked in.
• 19:12
  You knock first because you're respectful. Right. You come in, you bow and I do the nunchucks over my shoulders.
• 19:19
  Yeah. You do like a quick martial arts move. Yep.
• 19:23
  Well, exhibition just so the teacher knows who they're dealing with.
• 19:26
  Just hope to God there's not a lamp nearby.
• 19:30
  And then you're like, you bow and you're like, wait, I got to bring in some stuff.
• 19:34
  You drag punching bag in. I brought some equipment.
• 19:38
  Hold on one second. I've prepared for our meeting.
• 19:42
  You try to do a backflip. Well, of course.
• 19:46
  What would an entrance be without a backflip?
• 19:49
  That's why you're so bloody. Your forehead is just bruised to beat because you face when your backflip attempts.
• 19:56
  Yeah, I haven't gotten those down yet. Yeah.
• 19:59
  Something about the weight of the bow staff is really just right. You still have the buffer guy about the bow staff.
• 20:04
  Where do you keep the nunchucks in my my utility belt? Just kind of. Yeah. You can't throw it aside.
• 20:09
  That's very intimidating. Yeah. Of course.
• 20:11
  Now you keep the throwing stars between your teeth. Is that right?
• 20:15
  Oh, you walk between your teeth. Hard to talk.
• 20:18
  Yeah, it's it makes the entrance cool. It's for the theatrics, of course. Absolutely.
• 20:24
  But it does make normal life a little bit more difficult, which is interesting because you always keep it between your teeth.
• 20:31
  So to talk, you have to take the throwing star out and throw it at something. Yeah.
• 20:36
  But the moment you're done talking, you're like, please, can you get that throwing star from the portrait of George Washington?
• 20:43
  Right. And you put it back into your mouth.
• 20:45
  And how could I tell these teachers how wrong they are about punishing Steve for his muskrat fetish?
• 20:51
  If I didn't talk. Yeah. You said fetish. I feel like that's a strong word.
• 20:54
  That's what we got out of it was your son has a weird muskrat fetish.
• 20:59
  I think you've got this weird Asian. Yeah.
• 21:03
  It keeps in the word. Just throw in the word fetish around. Yeah. I don't think it's accurate.
• 21:08
  I think we I think we just kind of conclude. What would you I mean, what would you call it if not a fetish?
• 21:13
  A kink. OK. OK. Same thing. Just spelled differently.
• 21:19
  Yeah, I'm not really sure the difference between the two. But good that you and your son kind of have a thing, though.
• 21:24
  Well, we don't have a thing. See, this is a tricky way of saying that we don't have a thing. Right.
• 21:31
  Yeah, I got it. I got it. I don't I don't want to dive into this anymore. Yeah. This is this is probably weird.
• 21:35
  My next question is, do you bring a samurai sword?
• 21:38
  I feel like if Japanese the katana is a classic instrument that any fan of Japan would have.
• 21:44
  It's a little too cliche. Oh, God, dude, he's a he's a Japanese hipster.
• 21:50
  Two on the nose for you. I didn't realize that like there's a line katana is over the line, but I nunchucks totally fine.
• 21:57
  I used to carry around a katana before everybody was doing it.
• 22:01
  And then once everybody started carrying around, I was like the police took it away from acting wholelier than now.
• 22:07
  The police took it from him because he definitely walked in there to a subway and was like, no, no, you don't have to cut my foot long.
• 22:15
  Let me do it. Throw it in the air. You didn't go around around the counter.
• 22:21
  You tried to crawl over it. Well, so the glass is very misleading.
• 22:26
  They have on the subway stations. You think you can just go right through the cat?
• 22:31
  Why screen doors must be a nightmare for you.
• 22:36
  Go to toss that set. Let's fruit ninja the sandwich real quick.
• 22:40
  Toss it up and let me swing at it. It's the best way to do it. You don't get a clean cut otherwise.
• 22:47
  So, OK, that makes sense. That's why you don't have a katana. But you can I mean, we'll believe you that you just, you know, you're above that.
• 22:53
  I'm sure good for a katana. Yeah. Yeah.
• 22:56
  I know we said you are barefoot. Do you wear like those? I don't know what they're called.
• 23:00
  Maybe you can kind of give me an answer. This there.
• 23:03
  They're the block sandals that Japanese ninjas might wear or cliche where, you know, they are just basically a block with stilts, small stilts.
• 23:14
  You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Wooden sandals. Yeah.
• 23:16
  I think sandals. Do you maybe wear those? You sound like a sexy lady walking down the hallway in high heels, but they turn somebody turns the corner.
• 23:23
  That's you. Those that's like blocks of wood.
• 23:26
  What? I mean, that's that's a really heavy sounded woman walking, walking down that hall. Who is that steed?
• 23:36
  Is that a quarter horse out there?
• 23:39
  How do you think I can so effectively kick open a door? Right.
• 23:43
  It's the the impact of the wooden blocks underneath my feet. Yeah, that's right.
• 23:48
  That that actually makes it helps to have a couple of four by fours on your feet.
• 23:55
  That saves money. You just do the woodwork in your garage.
• 23:58
  It's like I'm making my new shoes, honey. Your wife left. You don't know. There's there's no way.
• 24:03
  There's no way. I barely won the custody battle.
• 24:07
  The wife was like, take that weird son away.
• 24:10
  I don't think by custody battle, it was literally a battle.
• 24:13
  Yeah, I had a battle with the wife.
• 24:16
  Obviously, I won. I know Japanese martial arts. Yeah.
• 24:20
  You shot her. Oh, very good.
• 24:26
  You know, you're a well-rounded person.
• 24:28
  You have a lot of skills and one of those is apparently martial arts.
• 24:32
  So the other is parenting. Yeah, right.
• 24:36
  All right, Alan, you get called into Alan Junior's parent teacher conference.
• 24:40
  He has done something wrong and the teacher has a lot to say.
• 24:43
  How do you handle that as a parent? Well, first off, I got to say, I respect the teachers.
• 24:49
  Good. Gross. I think for all the complaining that they do,
• 24:55
  they don't get paid enough. Right. Yeah. Yeah.
• 25:01
  Underpaid, but maybe we don't have to hear about it. Yeah, but not under respected.
• 25:05
  Not under respected. I mean, to be honest, it feels like every other month is teacher appreciation.
• 25:11
  And that's what I lead with when I talk to the teacher.
• 25:15
  And I like to tell them where I stand on education, which is a shoulder shrug.
• 25:24
  Yeah. And I just show her like a scratch face emoji.
• 25:30
  Yeah. You know, like this is sort of what I feel about.
• 25:33
  And I pull it up on my phone. I don't text it to her, but I type out a note.
• 25:36
  You have trouble expressing your emotions. Yeah. Yeah.
• 25:39
  They use emoji. That's right.
• 25:41
  And is it because you can't read because you don't think education is valuable?
• 25:44
  I am illiterate. I just kind of think that that life on the streets is more important than life in the schools.
• 25:53
  You know, and I just I make that known. Let's go to get this out of the way.
• 25:56
  What was Allen Junior in trouble for to get him this parent teacher conference?
• 26:02
  Indoor fires. I mean, life on the streets, you need to be able to create fires in maybe those one of those big 50 gallon drums, you know, like the like.
• 26:13
  Yeah. Homeless people do 100 percent.
• 26:16
  But let me not stop it as at on the streets. Men, if you're listening out there, if you cannot start a decent flame in under a minute.
• 26:27
  I mean, self-vicectim. What are you doing? Yeah. Exactly.
• 26:30
  Take some scissors. Go ahead. Snip, snip.
• 26:35
  You don't need to reproduce. Your line should end.
• 26:43
  Now, I'm talking to the men that can do this. Start fires in under a minute.
• 26:48
  The men that can start fires in under a minute. Consider this a an audio handshake.
• 26:54
  You gentlemen are doing things correctly. So, I mean, you have a pretty stiff belief with this.
• 26:59
  So you've been teaching Allen Junior to start fires and he's just doing what he's been told by starting fires within the school.
• 27:05
  Yes. Sometimes I'll just give him a map of the of the local surrounding areas and it's a homemade map.
• 27:12
  It's not done well. It's topographical. So it has all the lines, but like it doesn't mean anything.
• 27:16
  It does not mean anything. The the lines actually don't correlate to the topography.
• 27:23
  It's just artistic interpretation. Yeah. And on there, I've got little fire drawings.
• 27:30
  Those are places you want him to start. Those are places I need him to set ablaze.
• 27:35
  So you were saying, obviously, you respected this teacher.
• 27:38
  You went on and on about how much you respected these overpaid teachers. Yeah.
• 27:43
  And then you said he got in trouble for the thing you taught him to do.
• 27:50
  So how are you how are you facing this parent teacher conference? Are you like, OK, he did something wrong or you like you need to give him some wiggle room?
• 27:57
  It's it's definitely going to be wiggle room. What I think I'm going to do, I'm going to sit down with this teacher and I'm going to say, look, like the same seat.
• 28:04
  Yeah, they scoot over. I'm going to say this conversation is better had side to side, like in a booth at a restaurant like like we're same side in it in a booth.
• 28:18
  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think some of your better conversations come that way. Absolutely.
• 28:23
  And you whisper right into their ears. You're sitting right beside them. It's like a very breathy, close proximity.
• 28:30
  I put my like with bottom on the table and sort of or the desk and sort of scoot over there and then kind of crawl into the chair.
• 28:37
  If that kind of if that kind of paints a picture for you. Yeah. Yeah.
• 28:42
  And I just say, look, let me level with you. Where's the flame class here? There are so many dumb electives like choir, band.
• 28:53
  I mean, those are choir and band are the same thing. How are they going to be useful in life? You know, what what are you going to do?
• 28:59
  Sing yourself warmth at night. What's the flute going to do when it's cold? Other than get you made fun of other than.
• 29:08
  Yeah, I mean, you want to feel colder? Yeah, let's get let's get you made fun of.
• 29:14
  I mean, they're going to get you. People can call you Guy. Yeah, they're going to call you Guy for playing the flute.
• 29:19
  Yeah. Not worth it. Yeah. You have your son getting convicted of arson while there are some folks just dancing in another room and they're getting there.
• 29:28
  They're getting an educational credit for it. Yeah. And I don't really think that's OK. I think on your side.
• 29:35
  You're convincing. I was been on a soapbox this whole time, this whole episode.
• 29:41
  And this is just continuing that. So what I do is I just I tell the teacher, I say, look, I understand that your curriculum is this way.
• 29:49
  But let's not make my son change to fit the curriculum. Let's make the curriculum change to fit my son. Right. There you go.
• 29:56
  I like that. You want to teach him that the world revolves around him.
• 30:00
  And you're like sitting in front of that teacher or with the teacher in the seat and you're like, why are you even mad at my kid?
• 30:06
  Evan has a kid that screwing Muscrats. There's bigger problems in this school.
• 30:11
  Yeah, this is this is the least of your problems.
• 30:14
  And honestly, I think the fire could take care of some of the Muscrats.
• 30:20
  And maybe Evans Evans can maybe Evans weird kid. I don't I don't know.
• 30:26
  Yeah, you know, I think that's great. We could probably rub Evans two shoes together and start a fire.
• 30:32
  Yeah. Now, I like the teaching the kids how to live on the street.
• 30:36
  That's very useful. It's practical. It's functional. The school isn't doing that. They don't understand the functionality of that.
• 30:42
  Are you also teaching him to live on the street within the school?
• 30:46
  So are you sending him with raggedy tents over, you know, clothes that obviously came out of a dumpster?
• 30:52
  And you're kind of just teaching him to be the in the school homeless person.
• 30:56
  Yeah. Instead of a backpack, I give him actually I don't give him anything.
• 31:00
  I make him go find it. I make him go find a long stick.
• 31:03
  And then he has to put all his belongings in a bandana tied around that stick.
• 31:07
  So he's a he's what you would think of like a cartoon homeless guy.
• 31:13
  Like all his clothes have obvious large patches.
• 31:16
  Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He whistles as he just kind of galvanes down the hallway.
• 31:22
  He leans up against a lot of walls.
• 31:25
  He gets home by one of those pump carts on a train rail.
• 31:29
  Yeah. He he looks like he spends time around the railroad.
• 31:34
  He has one shoe that doesn't have the toe in it. It's just his bare toes sticking out of the shoe.
• 31:39
  He's got fingerless gloves.
• 31:43
  But they're not for fashion. They're there to keep his you know, so functional, you know.
• 31:48
  Yeah. He's like, where's the railway? I got to get up north.
• 31:52
  He's always wondering where this line goes. You know,
• 31:57
  I think that's great. I think the kids changing classes are going to have a hard time getting around his tent.
• 32:02
  That is now perched in the middle of the hallway.
• 32:05
  But I think it's good because these kids are going to learn how to deal with somebody that they wouldn't normally come in contact with in a school.
• 32:12
  Yeah. Learn how to avoid somebody. Yeah. Not look at him in the eye.
• 32:15
  You know, what's really interesting about it is he's always talking about how he's denim rich or his dad's denim rich.
• 32:22
  So it's just any day now he's going to get a strike. Yeah, he's going to.
• 32:26
  Yeah, he he says things like that.
• 32:28
  Like, you know, I'm going to come into it one day.
• 32:31
  That's what Evan's son says, too. No, but he told me to road it.
• 32:37
  No, no.
• 32:40
  But basically, I don't think the teacher should try and correct my son overall.
• 32:46
  Right. You mean the parents dropped to teach the kid.
• 32:48
  And yeah, I mean, this teacher can try and teach him how to do like fake things like math, CBS and the three, four ones.
• 32:56
  Sure. Sure. I mean, whatever that means, call sign.
• 33:01
  Well, I mean, Alan, Alan doesn't think education is important.
• 33:04
  So he doesn't know the order of numbers or the alphabet. I don't even know what you I thought you just said somebody's name.
• 33:09
  So I think that's great.
• 33:12
  I think you're teaching your kid valuable things.
• 33:14
  I think it's good to support your kid in the face of bullies such as teachers, those overpaid, overappreciated employees.
• 33:22
  No, I think I think you're doing well supporting your kid in that.
• 33:25
  Here's what I do if I if my child Parmethius Von Schitzer's doesn't have didn't take your last name.
• 33:35
  I didn't. I didn't think he deserved it.
• 33:41
  He's got to earn it. He's got to earn it.
• 33:43
  So Parmethius Von Schitzer, Gizzard, Parmethius Von Gizzard's really workshopping that.
• 33:48
  Yeah, I haven't quite figured it out. I haven't quite figured it out yet.
• 33:51
  He'll eventually get his name.
• 33:53
  You know, when he gets in trouble, I do something very simple.
• 33:56
  Me and him have a goal.
• 33:59
  We have a competition about who can we eat as many hot dogs at a given time?
• 34:05
  So when I go into this parent teacher conference, we sit, I bring in about 300 hot dogs that have been cooked and bunned on just a giant platter.
• 34:15
  And I sit down, I sit that giant platter down on the desk.
• 34:19
  I push all the stuff off the teacher's desk.
• 34:21
  It's a big platter, right? I just I just I take my arm and just like almost road grade everything off that desk.
• 34:28
  And the teacher's confused. Obviously.
• 34:31
  I mean, I mean, Parmethius is getting in trouble.
• 34:33
  Why is his father bringing in 300 hot dogs?
• 34:36
  Well, almost like one of those weird hot dog eating contests.
• 34:39
  As the teacher begins speaking, me and Parmethius just start eating as many hot dogs as possible.
• 34:45
  And of course, we have the water sitting right next to it so we can dunk our hot dogs while we keep complete eye contact with the teacher.
• 34:54
  Because we're listening, but we're also competing.
• 34:58
  You're multitasker.
• 34:59
  Yeah, we're multi. We're multitaskers.
• 35:01
  And we're just freaking chowing down on some hot dogs.
• 35:04
  But when he stops talking, we stop.
• 35:09
  So the teacher, sorry, you know, he goes into it.
• 35:12
  Well, thank you for being here, Mr.
• 35:14
  Summers. We start just gobbling down hot dogs as quickly dunking the hot dogs in the water, eating the hot dogs.
• 35:20
  He's confused. So he stops and then we stop like we like two deers in the headlight.
• 35:25
  He continues back. We start going down again.
• 35:28
  So we only eat the hot dogs while the teacher is talking.
• 35:33
  And y'all know mouth noises, right?
• 35:35
  Imagine just two fat.
• 35:38
  We're fat. Just two fat people just eating mushy hot dogs in front of you.
• 35:44
  Imagine the noise that that would create as you're trying to do your job.
• 35:49
  It's like a combination of probably the worst sounds ever is two fat guys eating wet dogs.
• 35:57
  Well, I mean, I bet that teachers got to be confused, right?
• 36:00
  The teachers very confused because nobody wakes up thinking they're going to go into work today and get Joey chestnut.
• 36:06
  That's right. No, absolutely not.
• 36:09
  We you know, we have Joey chestnut jerseys on, you know, that he's our hero.
• 36:13
  But yeah, I mean, we let off moans to like we're we're enjoying.
• 36:17
  This is our favorite hobby. You know, I needed it goes back to me and me and little parmethias needed a father son activity.
• 36:24
  A lot of people will go into maybe playing catch or having the goal of riding every roller coaster there is in the country.
• 36:31
  I was like, that's all boring, lame and overplayed.
• 36:34
  And you and parmethias, whenever you kind of have that spare breath,
• 36:39
  you guys use that spare breath to say, I got that dog in me.
• 36:45
  It is very hard for the teacher to talk because while there are not spare breaths often as we are just guzzling hot dogs every time there is one, it is I got that dog in me.
• 36:57
  We yell it. Yeah. I got that dog in me.
• 37:00
  And we just go back to eating that teachers confused.
• 37:04
  You'd think when he teacher took his time to stop talking and then you also stopped eating that that's when you would say that.
• 37:10
  No, no. But it's in the middle of him talking and you eating the moment.
• 37:14
  Yeah. So we choke to like there are you're trying to eat hot dogs and also yell our catchphrase.
• 37:21
  There are often times that we choke and we're we know we're having to give each other the Heimlich maneuver.
• 37:27
  But we only do that if the teacher is talking. If the teacher stops talking.
• 37:31
  Yeah. Parmethias is choking on a dog.
• 37:34
  I have to sit there stop when my arms are wrapped around his chest.
• 37:37
  You don't want to frank lodge in your throat whenever whenever the teacher stops talking.
• 37:43
  Yeah. And you know, Parmethias is trained well.
• 37:46
  He might be choking and hanging on to dear life.
• 37:49
  But the moment the teacher stops, we both make eye contact with the teacher like like a couple of deer in the headlight.
• 37:55
  We're just waiting for the next word.
• 37:57
  Tell me something here. Who is better at eating hot dogs?
• 38:00
  You or Parmethias? Man, I you know, I'm better.
• 38:03
  But Parmethias is he's on the rise.
• 38:06
  Have you ever thought about maybe a little bit of teamwork or maybe Parmethias feeds you the hot dogs?
• 38:11
  That way it takes a step away from you and you can just focus on eating.
• 38:15
  So that's called duos. OK.
• 38:17
  And usually it's feeding each other, but it's just from our seats sitting next to each other.
• 38:22
  So he's feeding me. I'm feeding him. It's just a different the different competition.
• 38:27
  Still on eye contact still on the teacher, though.
• 38:30
  Eye contact is always on the teacher.
• 38:32
  So you're constantly missing each other's mouths.
• 38:34
  Yes. I'm just kind of rubbing the hot dog on his face.
• 38:37
  It's like when you try to plug in your phone in an outlet that's kind of below the bed. Right.
• 38:41
  You know, you're just trying to get it in there.
• 38:43
  Sometimes it's kind of difficult. You just rub and just a wet, mushy hot dog all over.
• 38:48
  You're just you're just trying to get in your son.
• 38:54
  Yeah, but that's called Duos when you feed each other.
• 38:57
  And there are different types of hot dog eating contest.
• 39:00
  Obviously, the default is singles, where it's just, you know, we're feeding ourselves.
• 39:04
  There's freestyle, which is just you get to pick your position.
• 39:08
  So maybe you want to do a handstand while you're eating hot dogs.
• 39:11
  Maybe you want to be flying in a World War One biplane while you're eating your hot dog.
• 39:16
  It doesn't matter. That's the freestyle competition.
• 39:18
  Have you guys ever tried totem pole style?
• 39:20
  We yeah, we've totem pole style is a classic.
• 39:24
  And if you do totem pole duos, very efficient. Yeah.
• 39:28
  Somebody reaches up, somebody reaches down and, you know, yeah.
• 39:31
  And we're selfless. We offer the teacher a hot dog in the middle.
• 39:35
  Like we're just shoving hot dogs and, you know, blow their hands just like you want one.
• 39:40
  You know, you want one.
• 39:42
  Just constantly offering it while he's talking. Yeah.
• 39:45
  The moment he stops, though, I shut down. We shut down.
• 39:47
  It's it's a crazy situation.
• 39:51
  You guys pretty much just live to eat hot dogs.
• 39:54
  You know, eventually the teacher makes a stop or we finish the three hundred hot dogs.
• 40:00
  But of course, our pockets are just still filled with hot dogs. Yeah.
• 40:03
  Like we have extras just always at the ready. Pre wet.
• 40:08
  Just wet in our in our shorts.
• 40:11
  And the teachers like, oh, that's why your shorts are wet.
• 40:13
  He was wondering that from the beginning. Then we start pulling out mushy hot dogs.
• 40:16
  He's like, did you ever say why your son Parmethius was getting in trouble in school?
• 40:22
  He is he mouth breathes really loud.
• 40:26
  So it's kind of hard for the teachers to teach because he sounds like a Boeing 747 taking off.
• 40:31
  His heart is barely hanging on. He is not healthy. Yeah, I could tell.
• 40:36
  Because so he is just he's Matt. He's mouth breathing.
• 40:39
  The whole thing sounds like a leaf blower.
• 40:40
  You would have thought that a guy that is so used to having things in his mouth would learn to like nose breathe.
• 40:48
  Now, I don't understand what could be making him so unhealthy.
• 40:52
  I know I've also asked that we've gone to many physicians and they keep on saying it's his diet.
• 40:59
  But that doesn't make sense because we're eating protein and carbs and we're drinking a lot of water.
• 41:05
  But we don't actually drink it. We just can't. It's soaked up by the hot dog.
• 41:09
  So really, the diet is it can't be it. It can't be it.
• 41:12
  I yeah, well balanced. Yeah, I think it's just his genetics. Yeah.
• 41:16
  So and he is a hefty lad, 350 pounds at 12 years old.
• 41:22
  He is if for six to growing something about the nutrition of only hot dogs really doesn't help fuel the body.
• 41:31
  Something stunted it. I mean, he's so big that we when this parent teacher conference happens,
• 41:37
  they have to bring in one of those folding chairs because he cannot fit in a chair with armrests.
• 41:42
  Yeah, he's too. He's too big of a lad. I don't think there's anything wrong with him being 350 pounds.
• 41:47
  I think, you know, he's putting on mass tack it on mass. Yeah.
• 41:50
  But yeah, he just he's a massive marble that just has the creation within him, you know, and he just needs to he needs to slim down.
• 41:57
  And God, he's probably just a dawness. Yeah.
• 42:01
  Under there, I want to say the diet isn't bad.
• 42:04
  Please don't. Because there's a lot of doctors they're saying there is. It is.
• 42:08
  So I don't think it's what you're eating. I think it's the amount maybe cut it down to 100 hot dogs.
• 42:15
  That's not good. You're not going to reach a world record with that mentality.
• 42:18
  Evan, you might not have a good point. And never mind. Keep going. Yeah.
• 42:21
  Thank you. I be motivated. Shoot for the stars.
• 42:25
  Put an extra couple of boosters on that rocket to get those up there.
• 42:29
  No, I mean, you know, part of me is he goes to school with 300 hot dogs.
• 42:33
  He comes home, eats 300 hot dogs. It's constant training. It's impressive.
• 42:37
  The only time he's not mouth breathing is when he eats hot dogs.
• 42:40
  So, you know, maybe I told the teacher if you want him to stop mouth breathing, maybe just let him eat hot dogs during class.
• 42:46
  Yeah, I mean, I would solve the issue. He needs to be constantly eating hot dogs.
• 42:50
  Just to keep up his blood sugar.
• 42:53
  But yeah, I mean, that's that's how I would handle the parent teacher conference.
• 42:56
  That's how I would handle my child. But yeah, I think we're good parents.
• 42:59
  I think we all can agree that we have a handle on parenthood, us three not being parents quite yet.
• 43:05
  But I think we more than being good parents, we know how to we know how to sit down and talk to a teacher.
• 43:12
  Yeah, yeah, we know how to tell them. And for you, that's not our fault.
• 43:16
  And yes, yes, patronizing. We know how to have those crucial conversations for you.
• 43:21
  It's wingdings. It's just yeah. You sound like a Sims character.
• 43:28
  Yeah, we're model parents. There's no doubt about that.
• 43:31
  We're going to jump into the vile, vile, vile, the vile twin.
• 43:36
  And that's the vile twin. We're going to jump into the viral trend ASMR.
• 44:04
  As loyal listeners will know, our ASMR is us just making noises into the microphone, which is normal for ASMR.
• 44:19
  But the extra added bonus is we get to guess on what those noises are.
• 44:28
  My noise is as follows.
• 44:41
  Wow, very breathy, a lot of breathing in that is that is that somebody dancing in gasoline and then lighting themselves on fire?
• 44:52
  No, that sounded like you were lighting a very fleshy pipe.
• 45:00
  You handle a lot of fleshy pipes to either, but I don't like them.
• 45:07
  No, that was a beaver chopping down some wood and then taking a break because he has a debilitating meth addiction.
• 45:17
  Was that wood made of rubber? It was a mushy piece of wood.
• 45:22
  It was a mushy piece of wood. I'm sorry. I hate the beavers going through that.
• 45:27
  It seems like he's trying to be productive.
• 45:31
  We get to his 15 minute meth break at his job.
• 45:36
  All right. The following is a sound by Alan.
• 45:45
  Oh, that was it. That was it.
• 45:48
  Was that someone throwing a boomerang?
• 45:51
  Was that somebody taking the tail of a cat and swing it around their head like a lasso?
• 45:56
  Both great guesses and close to that was someone taking aluminum foil out of the wrapper, wrapping it around their head so the government can't see their thoughts.
• 46:08
  Oh, right. OK. Yeah, that makes sense.
• 46:11
  We were close.
• 46:15
  This is my next noise.
• 46:19
  Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
• 46:42
  Was a strong word for noise, by the way.
• 46:46
  Make it loudly. Was that you not participating in but watching a government auction where they sell farm equipment?
• 46:57
  It's close, close, close. Was that you taking the tongue out of a dog's mouth and cleaning it off with your finger?
• 47:03
  Close. Again, close. Very both very good guesses. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 47:07
  That was a sheep flipping through a graphic magazine that had sheeps that had been sheared.
• 47:16
  Oh, OK. He was enjoying it. Yeah. Really enjoying it.
• 47:21
  I see it now. Didn't get the sheep noise though. OK.
• 47:26
  I guess. All right. Here's my here's my noise.
• 47:46
  Was that what happens when a school shooter doesn't get the chance to shoot up a school so he shoots up a graduation?
• 47:53
  Close. I think it's kind of close. It wouldn't be a really school shooter at that point.
• 47:58
  Just kind of after school shooter. You know, is that someone walking across the stage of graduation forgetting they keistered a knife accidentally falling on it and impaling themselves?
• 48:12
  Very close. Very good, actually.
• 48:15
  You know, I think we've all keistered a knife at one of our graduation.
• 48:18
  You always forget about it. You always forget about it. No, that was at graduation as the graduate is walking across the stage and he's shaking the hand of the dean, president or what have you.
• 48:29
  He takes out a prison shank and shakes him prison style up on the stage. Got it. OK. Why did it have to be a prison shank?
• 48:37
  I'm not really sure. I think he just that's the thing he keistered. Was he graduating? He did keister it. You were right about that.
• 48:43
  That is one of the most popular keistered items is a prison shank. All right. Let me hit you guys with a sound.
• 48:50
  All right, man. That's great. All right, man. That's great.
• 48:59
  Was that someone rolling down the highway in rural Mississippi and they see a deer out in the farms and they shoot it as they're driving?
• 49:09
  Good guess. I was that two people out in the pasture and seeing two bovine making love and going and just taking one of them out because they weren't married.
• 49:19
  Of course, jealous. It was premarital sex. We know you can't do that.
• 49:25
  Great guesses. Unfortunately, again, both wrong.
• 49:29
  That was Ludacris Chris Bridges playing Cabela's Big Game Hunter 2 and winning. Oh, right.
• 49:41
  Of course. How did we miss that? Here's my noise.
• 49:48
  Wow. Wow. Was that a homeless man being attacked by a dentist?
• 50:05
  That is close. OK. OK.
• 50:09
  Did you just slide into a hot tub that also had a toaster thrown into it?
• 50:16
  That actually is it. Was that it?
• 50:20
  Yeah, that was someone who forgot that they made waffles in their hot tub last night and then got back in while the water was.
• 50:27
  What? You got the hot tub correct? Very specific. It wasn't even a bathtub.
• 50:31
  It was going to be a bathtub. I'll give that to him.
• 50:34
  Oh, God, I don't know if there's points to this, but there you go.
• 50:37
  I think that may be the first we've ever gotten one.
• 50:43
  Here's my next noise.
• 50:53
  So it's going to be Santa Claus going to a Christmas party and the present that he's delivering being a 12 gauge shotgun child grabs it and immediately fires at the Santa Claus because he thinks it's an intruder.
• 51:08
  Great self defense. We're big self defense. Yeah, that's good.
• 51:11
  I like that. This is a recreation of the Christmas Massacre of 78 where the patriarch of a family comes home and murders everyone with the Christmas shotgun.
• 51:27
  Wow. I didn't know we were in true crime podcasts all of a sudden. We are. Yeah.
• 51:32
  No, Evan was actually very close. It was Santa Claus who was recruited by the Taliban. Santa's been radicalized by the Taliban.
• 51:43
  So and is placing IEDs within presents. Yeah. Yeah. Not again. He's a believes in Allah.
• 51:52
  I didn't think that he would be one to turn. He was. He was the last piece. Really? It's over now.
• 52:00
  They win. Here's here's my next noise.
• 52:20
  We are not expecting the little smooch at the end. No. Okay. So that was a smooch.
• 52:25
  All right. So that that was an office worker who was just doing their job. Excellent.
• 52:33
  And then their boss comes up behind them, gives them a little grope and then a smooch workplace harassment.
• 52:39
  It'd be a great thing to show in one of those boring meetings about sexual harassment that you get at a job. Just show them that clip.
• 52:48
  Was that you sitting at home doing your homework and your uncle comes in the old and he walks and he walks over to you.
• 52:59
  You start to get nervous. Yeah. Then he reaches down and kisses the table. Oh, your uncle's a weirdo.
• 53:05
  I'm kind of let down now. No, that was an office worker. Very good with that.
• 53:14
  Thank you. That was also Evan sneaking up under the office worker's desk, shaving their legs and then giving their kneecap a smooch.
• 53:23
  Just kind of the finishing touch. You didn't do it well. They're very bloody. That's unfortunate. Yeah. Yeah.
• 53:29
  All right. This next noise is brought to you in part by McDonald's.
• 53:36
  All right. Got him. All right. Yeah. Take a shot. All right. That was it. Oh, OK.
• 53:47
  Was that Lee Harvey Oswald and his co-conspirator on the grassy knoll and one communicating to the other that they have a shot on.
• 53:58
  But they have a McDonald's cup sitting next to him for advertisement purposes. Right. Right. Yeah.
• 54:03
  I guess I can go ahead and go. I mean, whatever you guess is won't be right.
• 54:10
  I don't know. The whole McDonald's advertisement kind of threw me off there.
• 54:14
  More of a hint is that sponsorship that somebody prepared to murder a McDonald's employee.
• 54:22
  They think that they shoot the box, they kill the employees.
• 54:24
  So they end up just kind of shooting at the communication box at the drive through. Great guess.
• 54:30
  There can only be one right answer. And Evan literally got this dead on.
• 54:35
  I have to make no changes to it. Oh, really? It was Lee Harvey Oswald and our other unknown assailant on the grassy knoll.
• 54:45
  Man, thank you for McDonald's for sponsoring that sound. That was historical.
• 54:52
  So brought to you by the FBI and the country of Cuba.
• 54:59
  And the mob and them. I mean, who who didn't have the answers?
• 55:03
  Yeah. Who wasn't working that day?
• 55:05
  John Kennedy was not a popular guy. No, no, no.
• 55:08
  And the Hamburglar's just in the back as he was on the grassy knoll.
• 55:12
  Yeah, it had to have been the Hamburglar.
• 55:17
  This is my noise.
• 55:19
  And I. Oh, no.
• 55:30
  Well, the last part was supposed to be splash.
• 55:35
  Oh, it was a splash. OK.
• 55:37
  First of all, the first note that you hit was beautiful.
• 55:41
  Really, I had to I had to disassociate real quick and really just kind of feel that note.
• 55:46
  I had to dig deep. It was great.
• 55:48
  And I had a person singing a beautiful song on a stage that was fitted with rocket boosters that then launched him up into the air.
• 55:58
  The rocket boosters failed, much like in the spaceship challenger, the guy, the singer on the stage plummeted into the Pacific Ocean.
• 56:07
  Kind of close. OK, OK. I'm close. I'm not going to say it's wrong.
• 56:10
  Was that was that Helen Keller trying her best?
• 56:15
  She walked into a pond singing, walking into a pond.
• 56:20
  No, that was me and Zach Jack and Rosie on the front of a cruise ship.
• 56:26
  Wait, say that. Say that.
• 56:29
  What was the verb? You heard it. You Jack and Rosie.
• 56:32
  Titanic. I don't I know what Jacking is.
• 56:34
  What is Rosie Jack? Not Jacking and Rosie Jack and Rosie.
• 56:39
  Titanic on the front of a cruise ship when security comes around and tells us to leave.
• 56:45
  And then one of us jumps. Yeah, we get scared.
• 56:48
  I push you over in defense and you get lost in the Atlantic Ocean.
• 56:53
  You you sacrifice me. Yeah.
• 56:56
  It's one of those situations where like if a bear is chasing you, you got to ship your friends so you don't get eaten.
• 57:00
  Right. OK. Yeah. So you push me into the Atlantic. Good.
• 57:03
  So are people calling it Jack and Rosie and not during it anymore?
• 57:08
  Well, that door is what happened after he got into the ocean.
• 57:12
  Oh, we're on the front of the show. Oh, I see. I see.
• 57:15
  This is this is pre door. He threw the door down into the ocean after he pushed me.
• 57:19
  Got it. I had to give him something to float on.
• 57:21
  I felt bad. And then I was jacking it down there.
• 57:23
  And then you were then you were jacking it. Which is a different thing.
• 57:28
  This is my next noise.
• 57:31
  What are you doing?
• 57:40
  Three, two, one.
• 57:52
  Unpack that one. Were those two highly intellectual monkeys who were made into astronauts and boarded upon the Challenger,
• 58:04
  which then took off and did not make it to space.
• 58:08
  Rest in peace. Those two monkeys.
• 58:11
  That was actually going to be my guess as well was two monkeys in space.
• 58:16
  OK. Unfortunate ending.
• 58:18
  Two elderly women were giving each other buzz cuts.
• 58:24
  Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
• 58:26
  After seeing the film G.I. Jane.
• 58:31
  Real end of life crisis. Uh huh. Yeah.
• 58:34
  No, I think those are excellent guesses. It does have to do with a monkey.
• 58:38
  OK. Obviously, I don't know where Alan was going with the old women, but it does have to.
• 58:42
  There's a monkey noise in there.
• 58:44
  No, it was the part of the story of King Kong where he's on the Empire State Building and kind of swinging at the planes.
• 58:54
  And the general in charge of getting him down says, screw it.
• 58:57
  These stupid biplanes aren't working. And then he drops the atomic bomb on the on the eight.
• 59:04
  Geez. No half.
• 59:06
  Wiping out. Yeah, really wiping out New York City. Full measures for that guy.
• 59:10
  It got the ape down. And that's what his defense was in the court.
• 59:16
  And I think I think he said in court he was like, there's not going to be an explosion like this in New York again.
• 59:23
  This is a one time thing. Yeah.
• 59:27
  So be the last time a tower comes down.
• 59:32
  Here's my next sound right off after that last sound.
• 59:46
  Not ladies this time. I want to give you a hint.
• 59:48
  Not OK. Thank you. Thank you.
• 59:50
  Old men. Is that a monkey that couldn't cut at the zoo? So it took to a life on the streets. And in order to make money, it took up stripping stripper monkey.
• 1:00:06
  That's a great guess. It'd be a good movie.
• 1:00:08
  Yeah. Was that the game Donkey Kong after dark?
• 1:00:15
  Very good. I'm glad you're both guest monkeys this time. No, that was also the part in King Kong where he's on the Empire State Building.
• 1:00:21
  But a very sexy other giant gorilla is up there and it really turns into a 50 shades of gray situation right at the end.
• 1:00:29
  I thought you were going to say he was like pole dancing on that's how that's how he noticed.
• 1:00:35
  Sexy gorilla. That's how that's how they that's how it started.
• 1:00:39
  And let me tell you, I'm hot and bothered. Yeah.
• 1:00:42
  There you go. That is our ASMR. I don't know how to usually end these.
• 1:00:46
  Thank you for listening to our random noises. I don't know. Thank you.
• 1:00:50
  Most of the time people you should be asleep. You should not even hear this portion because you should have our noises should have rocked you to sleep.
• 1:00:57
  Yeah, that's right. It should have been so relaxing. Should have been in another world by now.
• 1:01:01
  Yeah. Yeah. So if you're awake at this point of the program, you're doing it wrong. Not us. Yeah. Go to sleep.
• 1:01:07
  But there you go. All right. As we kind of end this episode, what one line of wisdom do you have for the Saturday workers?
• 1:01:14
  They say two wrongs don't make a right. I say it's a numbers game.
• 1:01:19
  Keep trying. Just keep getting it wrong and eventually it'll be right. Yeah, that's right. I think that's great.
• 1:01:24
  Keep doing the wrong thing. Yeah, they say one monkey don't stop no show.
• 1:01:30
  They do say that they do. But what happens when King Kong's girlfriend shows up?
• 1:01:35
  Oh, just a bunch of eight boners. Yeah. Yeah.
• 1:01:40
  Oh, I don't know if that's a wisdom, but it is an observation.
• 1:01:45
  Certainly. Yeah, certainly an observation.
• 1:01:49
  Very good. Oh, and if you have a hypothetical, if you need advice from the Three Wise People,
• 1:01:55
  if you got a subject that you want facts about, if you have a place you want us to go, if you just need to tell us something about your life,
• 1:02:02
  just, you know, if you need a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to you right in.
• 1:02:08
  QuestionableDetourPodcast at gmail.com. All right, boys, you want to be done?
• 1:02:12
  Maybe.
• 1:02:16
  You know, they called for rain today, but they did not say anything about a giant sexy monkey swinging from the Empire State Building.
• 1:02:23
  Yeah, this definitely is catching everybody off guard right now.
• 1:02:25
  People are just flying off the road because they can't pay attention.
• 1:02:28
  I mean, I'm kind of just honestly impressed by the infrastructure of the building. Yeah.
• 1:02:32
  It can hold up a monkey swinging on it.
• 1:02:35
  It's really kind of a testament to the construction crew that built that.
• 1:02:40
  They should really make this an ad.
• 1:02:42
  Not just a monkey swinging on it, but a monkey swinging on it sexually.
• 1:02:47
  There's so much more force that goes into that.
• 1:02:49
  Who made the giant bikini that the monkey's wearing?
• 1:02:53
  I wonder how many people are into this right now.
• 1:02:55
  I mean, at least one. Me.
• 1:02:59
  I've been to it. You know, it's 1930.
• 1:03:01
  There's not a lot to look at.
• 1:03:04
  I wish there was more of those planes right now.
• 1:03:06
  I mean, they're getting an eyeful up there for sure.
• 1:03:08
  They stopped shooting guns at least.
• 1:03:11
  Has he been working out?
• 1:03:12
  Oh, yeah, he's been working out.
• 1:03:15
  Look at the glutes on that thing.
• 1:03:17
  God, man, how is he shiny?
• 1:03:20
  He is really playing for the crowd today.
• 1:03:22
  What do you think we could tip him in?
• 1:03:25
  Is a dollar enough?
• 1:03:27
  I'm sure he doesn't use currency.
• 1:03:30
  What's his currency?
• 1:03:31
  You want to start just throwing up some money?
• 1:03:33
  Just start throwing money.
• 1:03:34
  I feel uncomfortable not paying him.
• 1:03:36
  I agree. I mean, he's obviously worked very hard.
• 1:03:38
  I mean, he's been training for years, it looks like.
• 1:03:41
  He's built out of marble.
• 1:03:43
  He has this whole routine.
• 1:03:45
  I'm going to clap. I'm going to clap.
• 1:03:47
  Should we do that together?
• 1:03:49
  I think that's good.
• 1:03:52
  We've got to show him that we appreciate what he's doing up there.
• 1:03:54
  Should we make it a slow clap?
• 1:03:56
  Maybe we'll get the whole crowd going.
• 1:03:58
  The short bus is right next to you, so we can definitely get a slow clap going.
• 1:04:03
  Did they have short buses in 1930? I don't know.
• 1:04:06
  They just sit those kids in the sanitarium.
• 1:04:11
  There was no support for those kids back then.
• 1:04:14
  Or now.
• 1:04:15
  Oh, man, he just got really low.
• 1:04:18
  I see something coming out of the shorts.
• 1:04:20
  Oh, God, they never talk about this with King Kong.
• 1:04:24
  Really not impressive.
• 1:04:25
  What's the ratio there?
• 1:04:27
  You know, proportionally, maybe it's not that impressive.
• 1:04:30
  Anybody else disappointed?
• 1:04:31
  I'm kind of disappointed by it, too.
• 1:04:34
  I think the size of that, you know, that's not much bigger than what we got.
• 1:04:39
  Very, the ratio is off with it.
• 1:04:41
  Maybe it's the distance.
• 1:04:43
  It might be the distance.
• 1:04:45
  But he's I mean, I'm seeing him.
• 1:04:48
  I've seen him and I'm seeing it.
• 1:04:50
  I mean, I guess you could compare it to the building he's swinging from.
• 1:04:55
  He just he's no he noticed it.
• 1:04:57
  He's embarrassed now.
• 1:05:00
  Is it weird that he's blushing and we can see it?
• 1:05:04
  He's a stripper. He picked a wager career field to be going into if he has such a disappointing package.
• 1:05:10
  You know, with the leopard print outfit, it makes you wonder, is there a leopard his size?
• 1:05:15
  Would that be sexier for you?
• 1:05:16
  I don't know.
• 1:05:19
  Expect the detour.