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Grief: The Body Knows Before You Do · The soulnotskin Podcast with Jen SluMac

• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: About a year ago, maybe a little more, I was sitting on the couch in my living room here in California, and mom had begun to present a little bit confused.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: She was having a little more frequent, what do you what did you just say, Mom?
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: kind of stuff.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: But she was mostly coherent and mostly lucid.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: And she had been insisting that she was starting to be forgetful for years, for two, three years.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: And we just kind of wrote it off like, yeah, we're getting older, getting older sucks, and that kind of stuff.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: But I think she knew that the dementia was there.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but anyway, about a year and a half ago, I was sitting in the living room, and as was the norm, um there were two times that my stepdad would go and visit my mom at the facility, or else there were two times uh when at home mom was able to take calls, and so Bill would call us on his cell phone, and we would have the opportunity to to talk and check in and connect with mom and tell her we love her and bring her funny stories and sort of get her mentally out of the um residence she was in.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: She had basically uh was having mobility issues, long time mobility issues, uh, but with the cancer, she had started to get weaker.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so um, long story short, she was staying in a place that was for rehabilitation, basically a nursing home, but the intention there was rehabilitation for a long while.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: And at this point, that's what was happening.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: So there was still this feeling, this sense that uh she had made it through the cancer and she had come out the other side, she was cancer free, and it hadn't jumped to her brain.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: They had done radiation, but it hadn't jumped to her brain, and uh and we were in the clear and we were on the mend, and and that's where we were sort of at that time.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I got on a phone call with them sitting in the living room, and I listened to the conversation, and my mom was a little extra confused during that conversation, and Bill uh my stepdad was sharing some things that had happened.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: I don't honestly recall the details of that conversation.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: What I know is that uh it left me with a feeling that this is not turning around.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it just hit me like a ton of bricks, this moment of clarity that we were fooling ourselves, that this was not going to turn around.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I couldn't believe it.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I just sort of but I loved them.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: I got off the phone and I just sort of sat there.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And about 15 minutes later, I felt like my heart was like I don't know, like my my heart was pumping wrong, and it it sort of like felt you know heavy on my chest, and I was like, am I ha it sort of was like a panic attack, which I've had and I've learned how to step through, and um, you know, it it sort of sounded like what people describe uh a heart attack might feel like when it's coming on, you know, there was all this stuff going on, and I was like, boy, um, that's not good.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: I should probably get to the doctor.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: So I made an appointment with the doctor, uh, and she wanted to see me later that day.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: She was very concerned, she wanted to see me later that day, so we set up an appointment for like seven hours, um, something like that, I don't remember exactly, but later later on.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: And um shortly after I got off the phone with the doctor, I was sitting there and unbeknownst to me, apparently just sitting and staring straight ahead, my wife walked in the room and she sort of came over to the couch, she said, Hi, are you okay?
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: And as soon as I started talking to her, uh, it's like I just talked to my mom, and something's not good, babe.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't I don't think I can be here in California.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I think I need to go home.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think this is gonna turn around.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: And as I started talking about it, I started crying.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: And as she sat there with me and held my hand and hugged me, I started sobbing, like heaving, and I had no idea that that was in me, and I have no idea how long I was carrying it.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: But it didn't just initiate in that phone conversation.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that was that was quite a buildup.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: And after a really good, long, ridiculous, ugly cry, I blew my nose, I took a deep breath, and I realized that my heart was no longer beating strangely, that my breath was no longer shallow.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: That was another thing, is I was having really shallow breaths.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: I forgot to mention that.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I felt a hundred percent.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, was that feeling grief?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Was that just emotions?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: When I thought I was gonna have a heart attack or a panic attack?
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Is that what that was?
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Was that just I mean, here I am, folks.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: I am not a spring chicken.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: And you'd think this is something I would have learned to recognize in my body maybe two, three decades ago.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: But I sat there discovering what grief can feel like in my body.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you know when you're sad, I've known when I'm sad, but usually my head is telling me.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: But my body was telling me, and this just opened my eyes to so much.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: So fast forward, it happened again once, and I knew that I needed to cry, and I have also learned that I might know I need to cry now.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: I might recognize the feeling and know that I need to cry, but I don't know how to make the crying happen.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I've been doing some work um healing my little self, my my Jenny, my little Jenny, who when looking back through therapy and some other uh ways of doing work to heal, I realized that she was a young girl dealing with too much.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: I knew that.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we knew that.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: That wasn't news.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Mom and I have talked about it.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: We've forgiven each other, I've forgiven her, she's apologized.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, mom was hurting when I was growing up, dad was hurting when I was growing up, and they were figuring out themselves, right?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I knew that I was loved, I never went without clothing or food or shelter.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, mom sang us to sleep and and kissed us and prayed with us at at bedtime most of the time.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um but but once my parents divorced at nine years old, I was nine when they divorced, I believe I acquired a level of grief that I did not know what to do with.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I recognize that now because my body, the way that it feels when I need to cry, is the way that it used to feel when I would get busy doing things around the house.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: My mom drank to survive her sadness at that time.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes she drank more than she was able to deal with, and I had to help.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes her work schedule meant I had to help with my little brother, helping him with his homework, putting him to bed, making sure that we were fed, doing and folding laundry.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes because mom was working two, three jobs to keep a roof over our head and keep us fed, and sometimes because after two, three jobs working that day, she went to the bar for a few drinks for crying out loud.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: And just just as an aside, I used to say when I was doing stand-up comedy, I used to say, you know, my mom was a looker.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: If she had a deal with us three kids when she was going through whatever it was that she was going through, I'm surprised she came home from the bar.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because I know she was getting offers.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, at one point I I said, uh, I almost I feel like if my mom was sitting at the bar and somebody would have, you know, hit on her, I'm surprised she didn't just say, you know what, if her if their father wants them, he can raise them.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm exhausted, I'm tired.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: Take me home, sir.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: But she never did that, man.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I say that in jest.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: But in all seriousness, she never did that.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: She always came home.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: She always took care of us, she always made sure that she loved us, and also it was chaotic.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: So, what I'm getting to is that what I now recognize as grief and as sadness and as emotion that I need to process, I never learned that when I was little, and I had a lot of grief about dad leaving, about dad remarrying, about having to be in dad's world and not mention mom, about being in mom's world and not mentioning dad, about my dad having a new daughter and her getting him now that he was sober.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: There was just so many reasons that this little girl had more than she knew how to deal with.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: And in hindsight, I realized that what she did with it was excel.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: She was a good student, she was a good athlete, she was a helper around the house.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: Achieve, achieve.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Help, help.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Concede, concede, give, give.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: Ignore me, ignore me.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know that that's what I was doing, and I didn't know that when I got to my adolescence and started realizing that I was attracted to girls, that just put a boulder on top of the grief I already didn't know what to do with, of confusion and fear and being in the closet and people, we don't know what we're carrying.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: We don't realize what is in there that is propelling us.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, coffee helps.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: I certainly drink coffee alcoholically, particularly when I am feeling the emotions I don't want to feel.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: But honestly, what propels so many of us is keeping ourselves away from what's in our hearts, from what's in our body.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Trauma lives in the body, grief.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not trying to be dramatic, but what I realized this morning when I woke up with an oddly palpitating heart and shortness of breath, I realized that I need to cry today.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I thank God even if it took fifty-two years, I thank God that I don't need to turn to alcohol to make it go away for a few hours.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: Life is difficult.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Death of loved ones is hard.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: Life is hard.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Feel your feelings.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Learn to recognize them.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: For years I don't think I realized why I was constantly ambitious, constantly doing, doing, doing, busy, busy, busy, more, more, and more.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't realize why I was drinking.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Not really.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't realize, and I still didn't realize when I was sober for decades, that my busyness was often my drinking.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's what I turned to when I was having too much go on in my heart, too much of the old sadness that was in my body wanting to come out.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: Busyness keeps it in its box.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: And what I learned today when I woke up and I recognized it and I could see it is that I need to sit with myself.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: I need to talk about what I'm feeling, I need to invite it to the surface because it doesn't usually come.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: I trained it for many years to stay in its box, shut up feelings, shut up grief, shut up sadness, shut up not knowing, shut up.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: Get in your corner, shut up.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: I did that for so many years to my emotional self, to my spiritual self.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: That today, even though I recognize I need to cry, it cowers in the corner until I invite it to express itself.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: It can take hours.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: Find the pain that you haven't spent time with.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: Spend time with it.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: Learn to cry.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: I have to give my mom credit for this one.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: From beginning to end.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: Look what you did, Mom.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: One of the greatest gifts a parent could give their child.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: We sort of meandered to get to the point.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: But nonetheless, I sit here and I know that you gave me the ability to hurt and now the ability to cry.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I thank you.