Latest / WOC and Allies: Business and Career Realtalk with Elaine Lou Cartas / 131: You’re not Behind, You’re Human. What to do & the Science Behind it

Transcript

131: You’re not Behind, You’re Human. What to do & the Science Behind it · WOC and Allies: Business and Career Realtalk with Elaine Lou Cartas

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I feel bad.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm actually behind recording one week.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: I also wasn't going to record this week because I've been tired.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: I came back from a week-long ski trip.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I know first world problems.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I was supposed to be on a call right now, but it got rescheduled.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: So it worked out.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: And now I am recording it.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I wanted to share this.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Might be relatable to you because I got a lot of overfunctioning, over high achievers, because I am one of you.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: While I was on vacation, I had a big Fortune 5, not Fortune 500 company, a Fortune 5 company.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Reach out to me to want to do a speaking gig.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: And obviously I got excited.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: My cortisol spiked.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, okay, I need to try to schedule a call, but I'm on vacation.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: What do I do?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: What if my partner, he's gonna get mad at me?
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, wait, hold up, Elaine.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: You're on vacation.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna go tell them I'll talk to them on Monday.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, but wait, what if they give this to someone else?
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm not as responsive.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I did email them, like, hey, I'm on vacation.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm very interested.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Let's connect on Monday.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: I am recording this episode the next day on Tuesday after I spoke to them.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: And guess what?
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Your girl closed the deal.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: They wanted me.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: So in today's episode, I'm talking about the importance to stop pushing through.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, this Asian girl, this first gen immigrant oldest daughter, is telling you to stop pushing through.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: So grab your coffee, tea, or boba.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: I also realized I should not say coffee because that's like kind of pushing through.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I will say before I recorded this, I took a 15-minute nap and um had a protein shake instead of coffee.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: But, anyways, grab your beverage of choice and let's drop the beat.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Why is it just American culture or maybe being a child of immigrants where we always feel like we're behind, right?
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Behind the to-do list, the timeline, the deadline, the things you said you were going to do.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: But there's also this other pressure.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody really talks about the guilt, the guilt you have when your body says to slow down.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: But everyone and everything and social media tells you to keep going.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like earlier today, I kind of said in the intro, I was gonna go make a cup of coffee, you know, power through to do other things.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, nah, I need a 15-minute nap.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Let me tell you, that power nap was glorious.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: And unfortunately, we've been taught that rest is a reward you earn, unfortunately.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the negative part when we operate in this constant state of push or stress, our body runs in cortisol, our main stress hormone.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And cortisol is great for short bursts.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like I think of if I'm driving late from a holiday party, especially during the holidays, it's like, okay, let me make sure I get home safely.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: But over time, if you're constantly working, overworking, it actually shrinks your prefrontal cortex.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that part of your brain that's important for decision making, creativity, and clear thinking.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually why I got out of my prior industry working in political campaigns.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: I just noticed people at the time when I was in my 20s, people who are in their mid-30s, they just looked older.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: They look like they're in their 50s because they're working 12-hour days constantly stressed, no rest.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like I remember a colleague of mine bragging that they did not go to their cousin's wedding for the good fight for the campaign that we were working on.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, no, you should probably go to your cousin's wedding.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: So ironically, the more you push without rest, the worse your output gets.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: And your brain on rest is actually the best.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: For example, I shared it earlier.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: I had a call with this Fortune 5 company yesterday, and call went great.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: And they told me, and I told them, like, I will send you a proposal.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: I was thinking of staying up last night to do it, but my brain was tired because you know, I was skiing all last week.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: First world problems.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: I know.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: I need to stop bragging.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, you know what?
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'll just wake up early.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Woke up early today, 6 a.m.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: with a fresh brain, did it, and your girl closed the deal.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I'm just so glad I listened to my body.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like this is just a voice blog at this point.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm I'm sharing all of this because I know every single time I do, I always get messages from one of you, like, oh, I needed to hear this.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I have a feeling you need to hear how I'm tired.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: I need a vacation after the vacation.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Also, I got asked maybe two weeks before my vacation to do another speaking gig for this big tech company.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: You would know them.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna share the name.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Turn them down.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because the speaking engagement was gonna happen during my vacation.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I needed to protect my space, create that boundary.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Having time with my partner is very important.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: But then obviously, that little voice, uh, this is a missed opportunity.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: You could say that you spoke for this company.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: But hey, you know what?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: My life is not all about work.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: I know my younger self in my 20s, like, what did you do?
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: You would have skipped that vacation or skipped a day or two and just do that talk.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: But guess what?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: I had this Fortune 5 company reach out to me on vacation and I spoke to them after vacation and closed the deal.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: The reality is that the fear of missing out isn't just an emotion, it's actually our nervous system, it's evolution doing its job.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Our amygdala, I call it the smoke alarm, our trauma and threat smoke alarm.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: When I held that boundary, I was actually overriding in a good way my amygdala, the fear, reminding my brain that vacation and rest is important, not just work.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: And to be honest, like I said, I was supposed to drop a podcast episode last week, but I just did it.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: I once again overrode my amygdala and be like, girl, chill.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: We're here on vacation, we're here to ski and be present.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: So don't.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I always joke around.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: I actually started skiing earlier in my early 30s, and the Olympics just happened.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm trying to be this Olympian.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: I am not, I have accepted the fact I'm not gonna be an Olympian because I didn't start when I was very young.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: But there was Olympians on the trail.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: I have this really cool picture I posted on Instagram showcasing future 2030 Olympians practicing.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: And we were there for a ski trip for four days on my last day, on the fourth day.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm still, I would say like I'm an advanced beginner skier, but on my last day of skiing, the fourth day, I just got it.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: I was able to do runs without stopping on those runs.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't know what a run is, it's basically being able to ski from the top of a trail all the way to the bottom.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Think of it like a hiking trail or a run.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they call it runs.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I've learned.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I was able to not stop or fall.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: I was I was doing well.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Not Olympian well, but I was doing well.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I was having fun.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: My body was so relaxed.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: This is all in the morning.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And then we had lunch, rested, and I did another ski run right after lunch, and my feet felt numb.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: It was hurting so much.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like I wanted to cry.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: It was hurting so much.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't injure myself, thank thankfully.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: But I told my partner, I was like, hey, I need 15 minutes.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, well, you should probably take the train or not train, the bus, the tram back.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm gonna go back to our hotel.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I just need 15 minutes.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, you know what, whatever.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: I waited 15 minutes.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: I was going to take the bus back, but I was like, I just knew intuitively, like, if I just rest, give myself 15 minutes, I'm gonna be able to finish and be able to ski back to our hotel room.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I rested.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: I know the number one thing I did was like, let me see what happens after 15 minutes.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna take ego out.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: If I need to take the bus, I'll take the bus because my body's still hurting.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: But if my body's not hurting, I'm gonna go finish this ski trip and be able to ski back to my hotel.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Guess what happened?
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because I listened to my body, I gave more data points to my brain.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, you listen to yourself, Elaine.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: You gave yourself 15 minutes and I actually, my feet was no longer numb.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: I did a couple more runs and I was able to get back to my hotel room safely.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: It was great.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: It was great being able to honor my body, but also I was able to recalibrate.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Some science, just so you know, when our nervous system goes into fight or flight mode, majority of our blood goes to our major muscle groups and away from extremities like our fingers and our feet.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's why when you hear people say you need to breathe, the breathing helps the blood flow to like your feet and your fingers.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I was able to get back to my parasympathetic rest.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: I was doing the resting and restoring, or what science calls rest and digest.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: And my body was able to recover.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Not because I pushed through, because I gave it exactly what I needed rest.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: And this is what we see with athletes.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: And you're like, how can I get more of this?
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I have a newsletter that comes out every Thursday that's free, fun, and full of real talk.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's a live journal Zanga on leadership and life with actual scripts, behind-the-scenes stories, and lessons from mistakes I've made so you don't have to for work and life.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Just go to ElaineLou.com forward slash join.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's E-L-A-I-N-E-L-O-U.com forward slash join.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: All right, back to the episode.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: Just remarkably like Alyssa Lu, who is younger than me.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not because she's just like my role model.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I say that, not making fun of her being younger, but she retired and just seeing her be herself, win the gold medal, because she rested and not being tied to having to win.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: I will say, I mean, I feel like for every millennial woman, it was so beautiful to see that.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: And just a reminder and example that it's possible for us too.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I feel like so much has happened in a week that I'm telling you when it comes to unpushing.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: I think I'm in that just like post-vacation blues.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: But the Saturday, we came back Friday, so Saturday after was my dad's 70th birthday.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm sharing my dad's 70th birthday because and I'm so glad that he turned 70.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: And he's still spunky and funny.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I, of course, because I'm the only daughter, the oldest daughter, I planned it.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: And old me, old me, well, younger me, I should say, would have gone 100% all in.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm talking about.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: The create a Facebook event, seating chart, printed agenda.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: But I did none of that.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: I actually felt like I showed up maybe 25% of what I would have done.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: I created a simple Canva graphic with a young picture of my dad, texted, sent text messages to families and friends.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: 48 people showed up.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: I was like debating, should I do a seating chart?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: No, people could sit wherever they want at this restaurant.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: There's no agenda.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: I was just like, okay, my aunt, my dad's oldest sister is gonna speak, do a prayer before lunch.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'll do a little speech before cake cutting.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: There's no production.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: And knowing my dad, because he's an introvert, he just wants to connect with everyone.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that party was just beautiful.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be honest, and I'm gonna get some haters here.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: When I go to parties or weddings, I feel like the agendas become way too much.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Everything's crammed.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: And the reality is, is I just want to connect with people that I haven't seen in forever.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: And that was exactly what my dad wanted.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: And it was so nice to even see me.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, it was obviously my dad's birthday, but to see me and think thank goodness for all the therapy and coaching I've gone through to not be controlling the whole thing.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: And heard so much compliments of how it was so nice to celebrate my dad and loved my aunt's speech about her little brother.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: It was just the right energy.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because unpushing isn't about lowering the bar, it's just matching your output to your actual capacity and trusting that it's enough.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like I knew we planned this a month and a half ago, my dad's birthday.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: We planned it after I booked my ski trip.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: Not complaining.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just telling you the timeline of everything.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh, it's gonna be the Saturday, the day after I come back from my ski trip.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I had to be honest with myself, like, how much time and energy do I have to plan this party?
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: At the same time, other things that are important to me, like my vacation, like spending time with my partner, like proposals that I was working on and just day-to-day life.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I just honored, this is what I could do.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: I will do this, and this is enough.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: And my mom loved my mother, but Friday night, the night right before my dad's 70th, and I was still on the road.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: She calls me, hey, we need to buy shoes for your dad.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, You're calling me the night before the party.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: Younger me would have been like, okay, I'll go.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: But I was like, mom, dad's turning 70.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: We do not need to get leather shoes.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure people are gonna be fine if you just wear sneakers.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like, this is not a big deal.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't have time to do this.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: So, what I did all here that you could do for yourself, not just personally, but even at work, is interoception or self-awareness, your body's ability to sense everything that's happening.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: And when you become more self-aware, you make better decisions.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: And better decisions does not mean going all 100, but better decisions.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: You get to manage your emotions and have higher emotional intelligence.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because listening to your body isn't this like woo spiritual thing, which by the way, I am very spiritual.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's also a neurological skill, and you could practice it.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: And as I as you continue to practice it, you give yourself brain data that, oh, it is possible that I could give myself 10% here, 25% here, because there are other things in my life that are that's important, and it could still be successful.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: The reality is we are human, we have bodies.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, because I was just out skiing, like my cuticles are just horrible.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: TMI.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: We aren't AI.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: We have a full life outside of work.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: And as we get older, we learn how to honor that.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: And just notice that feeling, you know, maybe you do have that guilt of not doing more or doing it.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to let it control you.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's just information, not instruction.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: And science shows that when you're actually resting your brain, it doesn't mean you're not doing anything.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't go quiet.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually where the ideas connect, when clarity comes in, just like when we take a shower or we're walking, it's like, oh my gosh, that's such a great idea.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then we have nowhere else to write that.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: So that guilt for doing nothing, just know your brain doing nothing, is one of the most important work.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like I am grateful that I went to sleep last night early.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: So I could wake up early and knock that proposal out and close the deal.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: Not doing anything is where my best ideas come in.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's how I feel like doing less the past two years.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: My business is not the same.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: Who I am as an individual, as a leader, as a coach, I am not the same as I was like even back in 2020.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I was just overfunctioning and overdoing.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: It may not look productive for ourselves, but oh, it feels so good to know have a life outside of work.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what's happened in the past few weeks, right?
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: Or I should say the past week.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: Last week I chose vacation over during a podcast on a mountain when my toes felt numb.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: I chose 15 minutes instead of powering through.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't try to schedule a call with that Fortune 5 company during my vacation.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: I waited until Monday, which was yesterday for me when I'm recording this, and still close the deal.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: Every single time I've listened to my body, it has worked out.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: And now I want you to reflect when have you listened to your body and it has worked out?
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: When we create more evidence and data, our brain becomes more calm, especially when it comes to unlearning and pushing through to unpushing.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, this is TMI, so I hope you don't get grossed out.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: But like, you know, when we're full, but there's like, oh my God, there is that one thing to eat.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there was this dessert I wanted a couple weeks ago.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I just want to eat it because it looks so good, but I shouldn't because I'm full.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: Still ate it.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, let's just say I was throwing up in the toilet because I ate way too much, and that's because I didn't listen to my body.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, I know that I was like, Elaine, that's disgusting.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: Why did you share that?
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: But a reminder who are like you're behind according to who.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: And what is your body actually trying to tell you?
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to push through all the time.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: The most productive thing you can do is unpush.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: And if you found this episode helpful, share this with a friend or two, send them a personal message on why they need to stop pushing through because you're gonna throw up.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, I know I did it again.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: Why did I gross E Lane?
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: I know.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: Also, as I as I after I talk about that, but if you found this episode very helpful, minus the eating dessert when I shared have to, it would mean so much if you could leave a five-star rating review.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: It would help more leaders like you find this podcast.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're in this stage where you want to honor all aspects of your life while still being successful on your own terms, then schedule a call with me at elenelew.com forward slash call.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's E L A I N E L O U.com forward slash call.