Latest / Libido Lounge / The REAL Causes of Low Libido in Women (Nobody Talks About #3) with Susan Morgan Taylor

Transcript

The REAL Causes of Low Libido in Women (Nobody Talks About #3) with Susan Morgan Taylor · Libido Lounge

• 0:00
  When we can't allow ourselves to trust our own bodies and our own emotions, our pussy is gonna
• 0:05
  shut down.
• 0:06
  Susan Morgan Taylor is a renowned somatic sex therapist who has helped hundreds of couples
• 0:11
  deepen the intimate connection and create mutually satisfying sex and intimacy for the
• 0:17
  long term.
• 0:18
  She's the creator of transformational pleasure keys retreats and host of the popular sex talk
• 0:24
  cafe podcast.
• 0:25
  It's not so much the emotions themselves that put the brakes on, it's our relationship with
• 0:32
  them.
• 0:33
  Women's bodies tend to need more stimulation and more time before there's really gonna be
• 0:38
  that full engorgement of the tissues.
• 0:40
  Thrust is like the thing that it's needs the most in order to blossom and to grow.
• 0:45
  The feminine heart needs
• 0:49
  Hi, everybody.
• 0:51
  Welcome back to another episode of the lounge.
• 0:54
  It is our final podcast.
• 0:56
  It is our final release, our final interview of 2025.
• 1:00
  And just like we did last year, what we do at the end of every year is we invite back whoever
• 1:06
  you have downloaded the most, liked the most, shared the most, basically whoever you have
• 1:11
  loved the most, we bring back for a deep dive for your pleasure to wrap up the year and to
• 1:18
  welcome you in to the new year.
• 1:20
  So I'm absolutely pleased that my friend Susan Morgan Taylor was the one that you guys shared
• 1:25
  the content with the most, and we're gonna go even deeper onto some of the topics we talked
• 1:29
  about last time.
• 1:30
  We talked about desire mismatch last time.
• 1:32
  It's one of Susan's specialties, one of my favorite reasons we're talking to her, and
• 1:37
  we're gonna go deep into that as well as many other things like you heard in the intro.
• 1:41
  So thanks so much, Susan, for being here.
• 1:43
  It's really a pleasure, as always, to spend more time with you.
• 1:46
  Yes, Diane.
• 1:47
  Thanks for having me, and thanks for the copy of the book.
• 1:49
  Fabulous work, by the way.
• 1:51
  Congratulations on that.
• 1:52
  That's a really big accomplishment.
• 1:54
  Thank you.
• 1:55
  Appreciate that.
• 1:55
  Yeah.
• 1:56
  We're very excited about that.
• 1:57
  And 2026 is gonna bring more things, more books.
• 2:00
  You have a big new course you're offering at the beginning of the year, so it's gonna be an
• 2:04
  exciting year for both of us.
• 2:06
  So Yes.
• 2:07
  Wait for all the pleasure and fun.
• 2:09
  Yeah.
• 2:10
  Well, let's jump in.
• 2:11
  So Yep.
• 2:11
  I know one of the things that, you know, that we are talking about offline that you just that
• 2:16
  spent a lot of time educating people on and supporting them to recover around is the the
• 2:22
  root causes, some of these top root causes of low libido.
• 2:25
  So I know you talk a lot about, you know, three of these major root causes.
• 2:30
  So I'm really curious both for myself and my audience, like, when with your research and and
• 2:35
  what you've studied and explored both in a clinical setting as well as in in a book
• 2:41
  education setting, what have you found?
• 2:43
  What are the top reasons that really are driving this libido, this desire down?
• 2:49
  Yeah.
• 2:50
  I mean, you know, it's as you know, there's a lot of factors that can play into that.
• 2:54
  It's not really just one thing.
• 2:56
  And I would say, you know, well, I'll just go with the first one is if we look at how our
• 3:02
  arousal styles are wired, We are wired we're all wired a little bit differently.
• 3:08
  And one of the models, there's a couple models that I really love and I think they work very
• 3:12
  well hand in hand together.
• 3:13
  There are the sexual blueprints which a lot of people have heard about, and I think that's a
• 3:17
  really beautiful way to really understand why there's this difference and what's actually
• 3:21
  going on.
• 3:23
  So that can be an aspect of it, like just not understanding your erotic landscape.
• 3:27
  What is your gateway into your turn on?
• 3:29
  And I think the blueprints are a really lovely way to conceptualize that.
• 3:33
  I also really like the dual control model of sexual arousal, which is really sort of
• 3:38
  conceptualizes our sexuality, our turn on as a sexual nervous system, so to speak.
• 3:43
  We've got a brake, an accelerator, and a brakes, just like we do in our regular nervous
• 3:47
  system.
• 3:47
  Right?
• 3:47
  Like we've got the sympathetic and the parasympathetic.
• 3:50
  And some of it is just understanding how you're wired on that scale.
• 3:56
  Do you have a really sensitive brake?
• 3:57
  So there are a lot of things that put the brakes on to the extent that your arousal shuts
• 4:02
  down.
• 4:03
  In order for our arousal to come online, you know, we have to be in our parasympathetic
• 4:06
  nervous system.
• 4:07
  That's really where pleasure and orgasm and enjoyment and our ability to, you know, the
• 4:14
  rest and relax response.
• 4:17
  It's not the fight or flight where we're getting ready to do something or accomplish
• 4:21
  something or thinking about planning something.
• 4:23
  It's a different part of our brain and different part of our nervous system.
• 4:26
  So when you have a really sensitive brake system, that can just really kill the libido
• 4:32
  very quickly.
• 4:33
  It can cause you to just not be as present as you'd like to be, to be doing the to do list,
• 4:38
  be stuck up in your head.
• 4:40
  You may also have a slow accelerator that can be another aspect of that dual control model of
• 4:45
  just like it's just hard to get the engine going.
• 4:48
  Maybe the brakes are average or kinda not too high, but that engine just doesn't get revving.
• 4:55
  So that is one of the main causes of the low libido is really being able to look at that and
• 5:01
  to identify where do you fall on that scale, where does your partner fall on that scale, and
• 5:05
  then really a lot of times what we're looking at I'm a specialist in women's sexuality, so
• 5:09
  primarily the low libido in women is really my jam.
• 5:12
  So really what we're looking at a lot of times is how do we get the brakes off.
• 5:18
  So she can start to identify some things that help her relax, what helps her feel maybe, you
• 5:25
  know, sometimes it's as simple as I need the dishes done.
• 5:27
  You know, we gotta make sure everything in the house is just kinda done, then I can relax.
• 5:30
  Or make sure that the kids aren't gonna hear us.
• 5:32
  Make sure the temperature in the room is just right.
• 5:36
  Also, if you're wired as the sensual or energetic blueprint, those are different
• 5:40
  pathways in and going straight for genitals, breasts, and explicit overtly sexual acts.
• 5:45
  It's actually a very roundabout way.
• 5:47
  Right?
• 5:47
  We need more spaciousness.
• 5:49
  We need a slower lead, and we need to feel no pressure that it's gonna lead anywhere.
• 5:53
  All so that's a piece that really can help the the turn on to come back online, and it's one
• 5:58
  of the things to look at when you're struggling with the low libido aspects in in the
• 6:05
  relationship.
• 6:06
  One that's one of them.
• 6:07
  Yeah.
• 6:08
  Yeah.
• 6:08
  And I appreciate what you said around, like, it's not one thing because I think it is so
• 6:12
  common.
• 6:12
  Like, the example I give people all the time is, like, it's so common to get put on
• 6:16
  testosterone, and initially, for a lot of people, like, woah.
• 6:19
  My libido is great.
• 6:20
  And then, like, three weeks later, be like, oh, there it goes.
• 6:23
  Yes.
• 6:23
  So many people when that happens, they like jump to the assumption or of like, well, that
• 6:27
  means I don't need testosterone.
• 6:29
  And it's like, well, no.
• 6:30
  That's usually not what it means.
• 6:31
  I mean, work with your doctor, look at your labs, etcetera.
• 6:34
  But usually it's just a sign that like, well, that's one thing and one problem.
• 6:38
  And what you're gonna find is that we need to address all the problems.
• 6:41
  Right?
• 6:41
  Exactly.
• 6:42
  Yeah.
• 6:42
  It's not the only problem.
• 6:43
  So the second cause I would speak to that is that we we tend to and this tends to be it's
• 6:49
  true for both, you know, man or woman or whatever.
• 6:53
  Like, this is really true.
• 6:54
  It's not only for women, but there is sort of an aspect of this piece that does tend to be
• 6:59
  more predominant for women.
• 7:00
  There's an aspect of really needing to have the emotional trust and safety in the relational
• 7:06
  space, and also not just with her partner, but also within her own body.
• 7:10
  Her ability to trust the sensations that her body is feeling, to trust the emotions that are
• 7:17
  arising.
• 7:18
  We have such a program in our culture of, like, don't feel, don't be angry, don't be sad, don't
• 7:23
  be mad, you know, just feel good, feel happy all the time to the extent that we sort of
• 7:28
  siphon off our life force energy from these more quote, unquote negative emotions.
• 7:34
  But the thing is is that our emotions, all of them, they're just energy, number one.
• 7:39
  And number two, they are part of our life force.
• 7:41
  And really, as you probably know, Diane, libido really just refers to life force.
• 7:46
  It's our lust for life.
• 7:47
  It's our drive for life.
• 7:48
  It doesn't necessarily only means the sexual energy, but the sexual energy is the
• 7:52
  fundamental creative life force energy.
• 7:54
  So what's happening is when we can't allow ourselves to trust our own bodies and our own
• 7:59
  emotions, maybe it doesn't feel safe in the relational space.
• 8:01
  We've been shamed or maybe our partner's always like, don't cry.
• 8:05
  Don't feel bad.
• 8:06
  Let me fix it for you, honey.
• 8:08
  Like, I don't want you you know, our man never wants us to feel sad, and it's that's a
• 8:12
  beautiful thing.
• 8:13
  You know, they want us to be happy, but also, we need to be able to have access to the full
• 8:19
  range of our feelings, of our emotions, and to trust that.
• 8:23
  So that's one of the other causes is that there's some emotional content and then the
• 8:29
  lack of trust in her own body and then then also in the relational space with her partner.
• 8:34
  Hey.
• 8:34
  You're bringing up so many good points, and really think there is.
• 8:37
  This is the societal, like, pendulum, right, that that happens.
• 8:42
  And for a while, it was like, okay, like, you know, completely suppress your emotions where I
• 8:46
  think women in particular were really taught that they needed to be completely stoic.
• 8:52
  And then there was the world of hysteria where women had these strong emotions and doctors
• 8:59
  were trying to give them annual orgasms.
• 9:02
  Fuck yes.
• 9:03
  It was a gyro.
• 9:03
  Right?
• 9:06
  And now, it's like, it's very interesting, like, in a lot of the spiritual space, like, I
• 9:10
  was in a meditation community that I left for many reasons, but one of the reasons I left
• 9:15
  this meditation community was because one of the strong teachings, and I see this in a lot
• 9:19
  of these communities, was always about finding neutrality.
• 9:22
  So it's like, well, if you're too happy or too sad, then what you're supposed to do is
• 9:27
  meditate until you can just be even and you're just kind of supposed to walk through this
• 9:31
  world as like this even person without a malfunction.
• 9:34
  So I feel like we don't really have like a good model that is like at least on a grand scheme
• 9:41
  that one, helps women to learn how to, you know, to process these emotions, and two, helps
• 9:49
  men understand how to work with and support the women in their life without just trying to fix
• 9:54
  it.
• 9:54
  Right?
• 9:55
  Yeah.
• 9:56
  And I think I love that piece, the spiritual aspect, because most of the meditation
• 10:00
  traditions that we're exposed to, generally speaking, the majority of them are the they're
• 10:06
  more predominantly the masculine spiritual traditions which are all about the, you know,
• 10:11
  developing consciousness and transcending transcending the chaos and coming into that
• 10:16
  neutral, even keel place of just stillness.
• 10:20
  Right?
• 10:21
  And that's a beautiful thing.
• 10:23
  There's nothing inherently wrong with that.
• 10:25
  But the thing is is that if we're wanting to access our deep turn on and our deep feminine,
• 10:32
  expression through our sexuality, through our bodies, it it requires it's actually the
• 10:38
  opposite path.
• 10:39
  It's really about how do we access range and how do we bring all of that feeling, that's the
• 10:45
  feeler, the divine feminine aspect is the feeler.
• 10:48
  We have like mind and body.
• 10:50
  Right?
• 10:52
  Thought and and feeling.
• 10:55
  And so the equal and opposite to that is the ability to deeply feel and to bring that
• 10:59
  feeling expression, like, literally through the body, not so much through words, but through
• 11:03
  sound and through movement and through actually deeply feeling it.
• 11:07
  And so there's a real piece of our eroticism as women that we lose access to if we are
• 11:14
  conditioned to believe we're supposed to just be on that even keel all the time.
• 11:18
  Yeah.
• 11:18
  Exactly.
• 11:19
  It's so, so, so true, and I love that you're bringing in the body because in my experience,
• 11:23
  that's been, like, best place to access to process emotions is in actually the experience
• 11:29
  of feeling them and moving the body Yeah.
• 11:31
  Moving from that place.
• 11:32
  And, you know, so I'm wondering too in this this concept and this, you know, conversation
• 11:36
  around brakes and accelerators, like, you working with with people in a way where you're
• 11:43
  teaching them how to kind of recognize their brakes and recognize their accelerators?
• 11:47
  And if so, like like, do you have any, like, as I would say, initial starting steps for people?
• 11:53
  Because I feel like sometimes, you know, with these things and we're saying, like, emotions
• 11:57
  is, like, one example.
• 11:58
  They're one example of a brain.
• 12:00
  We can get so lost in them.
• 12:02
  Sometimes it's like we don't even realize sometimes that that what's happening to us.
• 12:05
  Right?
• 12:06
  Zoom us.
• 12:07
  So what in your process are you doing to help people, like, begin to recognize around, oh,
• 12:12
  these are my breaks.
• 12:13
  These are the things that kinda took me out of that love of life and that passion of sexual
• 12:18
  energy, creative energy for both intimacy and beyond.
• 12:22
  So to help people as well as help their partners understand more that support.
• 12:25
  Like a practical thing.
• 12:27
  Well, let me just all do right now, the sexual speedometer test.
• 12:30
  I mean, everyone should go grab a copy of that if it's okay that I kinda give that out right
• 12:34
  now.
• 12:34
  Yeah.
• 12:35
  Yeah.
• 12:36
  Sexualspeedometertest.com, and that's a really simple assessment that I put together for you
• 12:42
  to have a little bit of background on the sexual brakes accelerator, but you don't need
• 12:46
  to know all the jargon and clinical terminology.
• 12:49
  Very easy.
• 12:50
  It takes maybe three minutes to complete.
• 12:52
  You and your partner can both take the test, and then you'll see actually where you first
• 12:57
  because we have to know where we land on that scale.
• 13:00
  Right?
• 13:00
  Like, do I have really high brakes and also a high accelerator?
• 13:04
  That could be the case.
• 13:04
  In that case, that's great.
• 13:05
  Just get the brakes off.
• 13:06
  But maybe your accelerator is also slow.
• 13:09
  So once we kinda know where you land and where your partner lands, then in that assessment, I
• 13:13
  also give you some ideas for what to do.
• 13:15
  How do you find what questions you need to ask to get the brakes off?
• 13:18
  What are some things that you can do to start to increase the accelerator?
• 13:22
  What do you do if you are the so labeled high libido partner and you're really frustrated
• 13:26
  because you've got all this energy?
• 13:27
  I give you some tips for that as well because we don't wanna ignore that as a very real and a
• 13:32
  frustrating place to be when you've got a really high accelerator and really low brakes,
• 13:36
  but you your partner is the opposite.
• 13:38
  So what what can you do with some of that, you know, drive, that sex drive?
• 13:43
  Yeah.
• 13:44
  Yeah.
• 13:44
  So with prectualspeedometertest.com, so that's that's the first place to see where you fall on
• 13:49
  that scale.
• 13:50
  The next thing I wanna speak to around that is the emotions.
• 13:54
  And it's what I wanna offer to your listeners, it's not so much the emotions themselves that
• 14:00
  put the brakes on.
• 14:02
  It's our relationship with them.
• 14:04
  It's what our mind says in response to, oh, I'm feeling sad.
• 14:08
  Don't cry.
• 14:09
  Don't cry.
• 14:10
  Don't cry.
• 14:11
  Oh, I'm feeling angry.
• 14:12
  Don't feel angry.
• 14:13
  Don't feel angry.
• 14:15
  Yeah.
• 14:15
  Right?
• 14:16
  So how we actually relate to that or the fear, I don't wanna feel the anxiety.
• 14:20
  I'm afraid to feel the fear.
• 14:22
  So now we have the fear of feeling the fear.
• 14:25
  When so so that's the level sometimes that I have to work with clients on is really how do
• 14:30
  we come into the body to just be present with the pure energy of the emotion.
• 14:35
  When we get the mind actually out of the way and we can just fully meet and greet just
• 14:39
  what's right there through breath, we do it through breathing into the body, deepening the
• 14:44
  breath, through starting to notice sensations in the body, just physical sensations.
• 14:49
  That's the most obvious thing that we all have access to.
• 14:52
  Not even talking about emotions yet or energy, that's much subtler level.
• 14:57
  So if we just come into physical sensation first and foremost, it brings us into a place
• 15:03
  of presence where now we're in the present moment and we're no longer having the
• 15:06
  interference of the prefrontal cortex kinda coming in and hijacking the whole experience
• 15:11
  and then what can happen is it can be very intense but when we learn how to just say yes
• 15:16
  and invite and even I say turn the volume up, say yes to that sensation, say yes to that
• 15:21
  emotion, invite more, ask for more of it because that releases the resistance that we
• 15:25
  have to it and then it's just it just can move through us.
• 15:29
  We can feel it, our bodies can digest that emotion, and then something new comes to pass.
• 15:35
  Something new will come to take its place.
• 15:37
  It might be more feeling or different feeling.
• 15:40
  It might be pleasure.
• 15:40
  It might be more pain.
• 15:41
  Like, we don't know.
• 15:42
  But it's like learning how to surf.
• 15:44
  It's like riding a wave.
• 15:45
  And so that's really the essence of feminine sexuality.
• 15:48
  And why I think a lot of women, you know, the low libido piece is because a lot of women
• 15:52
  haven't really learned how to ride that wave.
• 15:55
  And part of the reason for that is also because we have a lot of the hormonal blockers that
• 16:00
  we're on.
• 16:01
  You know, the birth control pill can really block our ability to really feel our natural
• 16:07
  ebbs and flows, and we're staying on that.
• 16:09
  A lot of people are on that for fifteen, twenty years, their whole lives.
• 16:13
  Yeah.
• 16:14
  So we don't we don't have the skills for how to learn to ride the wave of our feminine cycles
• 16:19
  and our feminine energy, and so that can absolutely lead to a disconnect in our, in our
• 16:24
  sexual arousal and our desire and interest in sex.
• 16:27
  Yeah.
• 16:27
  It's a really good point that I don't think we've talked about on this podcast yet.
• 16:31
  It's, like, the impact of oral contraceptives and and or just birth control, hormonal
• 16:36
  manipulating birth control in general and its impact on being able to feel.
• 16:40
  Yes.
• 16:40
  I'm wondering if you can speak to to because another thing that you probably saw in my book
• 16:44
  is that I do talk a lot about, like, the capacity for pleasure is directly connected to
• 16:49
  the capacity for presence.
• 16:52
  Yep.
• 16:52
  And I know you talk about similar stuff in your work, and you even kinda mentioned a little bit
• 16:56
  of that and what you just said in a different way.
• 16:58
  Yeah.
• 16:58
  So I'm wondering if you can talk a little bit about the this connection of, like, the ability
• 17:03
  to experience emotions and to actually be with them and be present in their intensity.
• 17:09
  And the relationship of that to actually the the connection to experiencing pleasure and
• 17:14
  orgasm.
• 17:15
  Yeah.
• 17:16
  Absolutely.
• 17:16
  I love that you brought that up.
• 17:17
  And, yes, I do remember that.
• 17:18
  And I remember that when you were on my podcast, I think we talked a lot about this.
• 17:21
  And I have the pleasure keys, is sort of my way of describing, and yours are the nine.
• 17:26
  You've got something else that's nine.
• 17:27
  We had a lot of similarity there, but We do.
• 17:29
  Yeah.
• 17:30
  In my process, the first triad of the pleasure keys is presence, relaxation, presence, and
• 17:35
  awareness.
• 17:36
  That's the first triad.
• 17:37
  So we're really coming relaxation.
• 17:39
  The relaxation, it actually is a learned capacity that we have.
• 17:44
  We can learn how to consciously relax, and we don't think of that a lot of times.
• 17:50
  Right?
• 17:50
  One of the quickest ways to do that is just by focusing on physical sensation, by actually
• 17:55
  taking time.
• 17:55
  And there's a beautiful yoga practice from India called Yoga Nidra, which the foundation
• 18:01
  of that practice is really about I love it because it's learning how to feel sensation.
• 18:07
  And what happens in that practice as you do that, you come completely out of the thinking
• 18:11
  mind and you drop into the parasympathetic.
• 18:14
  You drop into like a waking sleep state.
• 18:17
  Sometimes you fall asleep doing that practice and that's why it's called yoga nidra.
• 18:20
  It actually means asleep awake, think is actually the translation of that.
• 18:24
  So we're learning how to how to be in our other mind.
• 18:28
  Our body is a is a type of mind.
• 18:31
  Our somatic feeling sense is a way of navigating and, quote I'll say, quote, unquote,
• 18:36
  thinking, like loose air quotes there, because we're not using the part of our essence that
• 18:42
  does the thinking typically the brain.
• 18:44
  Prefrontal cortex, thinking, planning, logic.
• 18:47
  We're using a different aspect of our being to actually sense and navigate.
• 18:52
  And when we're able to be in that place and be present there without, again, this, you know,
• 18:58
  the thinking mind coming online, that's where we can start to simply just notice sensation.
• 19:02
  And pleasure always begins with the ability to notice sensation in the body.
• 19:06
  It's just where we begin.
• 19:07
  It might not even be that we notice pleasure.
• 19:09
  We might not even notice a whole lot.
• 19:11
  There might just be numb all I notice is nothing or numbness.
• 19:14
  But our ability to notice is the very, very first step, and where a lot of people go
• 19:19
  sideways with this is they're trying to feel something.
• 19:22
  And I think that's kinda what you're speaking to, why presence is necessary because if we're
• 19:26
  trying to feel something, I'm feeling nothing so I need to make myself feel now we're not
• 19:30
  we're not actually available for what is.
• 19:33
  So that's the first piece is that getting into sensation and starting to notice that's the
• 19:38
  gateway into everything we're talking about right now, Diane, whether it's feeling pleasure
• 19:43
  or feeling emotions.
• 19:45
  It's simply being in the here now and showing up and beginning to notice even in some cases,
• 19:51
  I notice I'm afraid to feel right now, or I notice I'm trying to feel more than what's
• 19:55
  actually here right now.
• 19:56
  That's an aspect of noticing.
• 19:58
  It's all information.
• 19:59
  And once we have that information, then we can start to work with it.
• 20:02
  Then we can say, oh, I noticed that.
• 20:03
  That's interesting.
• 20:04
  Let me come back to just back to physical sensation.
• 20:07
  Always coming back to that physical sensation is the gateway into eventually, it's a doorway
• 20:13
  that just opens.
• 20:14
  We'll be able to notice more sensation or more feelings, more pleasure.
• 20:19
  Yeah.
• 20:19
  And you're completely right in, like, the the similarities of our approach, but yet
• 20:23
  different, you know, different languages and, of course, our own flare and all that.
• 20:27
  And something you said around this thing around, like, trying to feel Yeah.
• 20:30
  I just wanted to name that because it goes back to what we were talking about earlier around
• 20:34
  this this idea of being more in the head and the thoughts and, like, kind of that process
• 20:39
  versus in the body in the sensation.
• 20:41
  And the moment I think we're trying to feel something, it's like, well, if we're trying and
• 20:45
  we're fixing to that, it's one deal, what's happening?
• 20:47
  We're Right.
• 20:48
  That's by definition, we're all in our head then and not in our body, which is part of the
• 20:53
  major part of the problem, right?
• 20:55
  Absolutely.
• 20:56
  It creates resistance.
• 20:57
  So try, like, I'm doing this thing.
• 21:00
  I'm supposed to be feeling something.
• 21:03
  So anytime I love how Betty Martin's a big influence on my work, and you're probably
• 21:08
  familiar with her work on the wheel of consent, and she's just wonderful.
• 21:11
  But I I like her language for this.
• 21:13
  And what one of the things she says is you can't tell pleasure where to go.
• 21:18
  And that's what we're doing a lot of times, especially with low libido.
• 21:21
  Right?
• 21:21
  Somebody's feeling pressured to have to feel something or have an orgasm or to want
• 21:25
  something that they can't quite access.
• 21:28
  So we're trying to and that that always always works against us.
• 21:32
  It's always gonna create less sensation, less desire, less connection.
• 21:38
  So what we wanna do is can you just find it where it is?
• 21:41
  Can you find right now in this moment what's the desire right now?
• 21:44
  What would be enjoyable right in this moment?
• 21:46
  What does my body want right now?
• 21:50
  How do my hands want to touch right now?
• 21:52
  Just and if if we could just let that be enough without it needing to be more or less and
• 21:57
  without judging it and making it wrong, and we can just breathe into that and have the
• 22:01
  experience of giving that gift to ourselves and having the experience of our partner allowing
• 22:06
  that as well or letting it just be as is.
• 22:08
  From there, we can start to follow desire.
• 22:11
  It might be very small at first, but we can start to feel our way into that.
• 22:15
  Desire is a feeling aspect.
• 22:17
  Yeah.
• 22:18
  Yeah.
• 22:19
  And let's circle back to, like, kind of this fundamental thing of, like, the three causes of
• 22:22
  low libido.
• 22:23
  So we started by saying you started by saying that we have, like, like, not an understanding
• 22:28
  of our script.
• 22:29
  Right?
• 22:29
  Like, there's this the sexual blueprints of anybody studying in these different, varieties
• 22:33
  of sexual blueprints.
• 22:34
  There's a misunderstanding of the turn ons, the turn off kind of like your sexual, creation,
• 22:41
  like what creates that energy.
• 22:42
  And then you also mentioned the dual control model.
• 22:45
  So is there something else?
• 22:46
  Are are are those, like, two of the three?
• 22:48
  Well, then we have the trust, the ability to feel to trust emotions, to have trust her own
• 22:54
  body, trust her own sensations.
• 22:56
  So that's one of the causes.
• 22:57
  And also having trust in her partner because if there's relational, what's the word, ruptures
• 23:03
  that have happened in the relationship, that it can shut her heart down, her pussy's gonna shut
• 23:08
  down.
• 23:09
  So so there's that.
• 23:10
  That's kinda what I meant, but that trust piece, it's sort of multidimensional.
• 23:12
  There's probably more more things in there that we could get into, but it's really that ability
• 23:16
  to trust and to feel a sense of trust and safety with her partner, making sure that
• 23:20
  relational space is clear so she can drop more deeply into her heart and then into her pussy.
• 23:25
  And so then we can go into the third one.
• 23:27
  Okay.
• 23:27
  So let's go back to go to the third one now.
• 23:29
  Yes.
• 23:30
  I would say the third one is we could look more at the physical aspects.
• 23:34
  You know, we've talked about hormones, but like you said, what's so interesting with that is
• 23:38
  people will get put on hormones and it doesn't really solve the thing.
• 23:42
  Yeah.
• 23:43
  Yep.
• 23:44
  Exactly.
• 23:44
  Exactly.
• 23:45
  So
• 23:45
  what I'll offer to that, because we all already know about hormones, some people might already
• 23:48
  know about this piece too, but it's also a lack of education around the differences between the
• 23:54
  male and female body.
• 23:56
  We have the same exact erectile tissue in our bodies as a man has in his penis, it's just
• 24:01
  spread out over a larger area.
• 24:03
  And however, a lot of men and women don't know this.
• 24:06
  We don't understand the difference.
• 24:08
  And for the majority of women, most I mean, it's I don't ever like I do generalize a lot
• 24:13
  because we need to to talk about this.
• 24:15
  Not everyone's the same.
• 24:16
  I get that.
• 24:18
  We all have different days, different hormones, different moods, different things happening
• 24:22
  contextually in our life.
• 24:23
  So this can change, but women's bodies tend to need more stimulation and more time before
• 24:29
  there's really gonna be that full engorgement of the tissues.
• 24:33
  And oftentimes too before she can really get out of that left thinking brain and into her
• 24:37
  non thinking right brain, into the parasympathetic, that takes time.
• 24:42
  Women are wired.
• 24:43
  We're wired to be plugged into our environment.
• 24:45
  It's an evolutionary thing that's not been changed just since women's lib happened back in
• 24:50
  the seventies or sixties, whenever it happened.
• 24:53
  That hasn't gone away, like, literally, and it's a beautiful skill that we have to sense
• 24:57
  and feel our environment.
• 24:59
  However, the downside of that is it can sometimes take us a little bit of time to turn
• 25:03
  that part of our brain off so that we can just show up.
• 25:06
  And, again, we have to be fully relaxed really in order for that pleasure to come online.
• 25:11
  So that would be the physical piece.
• 25:12
  It's just that, that we need more education on it, and women need to understand that they
• 25:17
  probably might really be needing lots more time to warm up before sexual activity happens.
• 25:23
  And I see women struggle with that a lot because they don't want to make their partner
• 25:27
  feel bad.
• 25:28
  They don't wanna hurt his feelings.
• 25:30
  They kinda just maybe they're just not into it, so they just wanna get it over with so they go
• 25:35
  along with it.
• 25:35
  But every time we do that, we do a little bit of self violation So much so that over time, we
• 25:42
  will lose interest in sex.
• 25:44
  Yeah.
• 25:45
  I see that over and over.
• 25:46
  Think one of the biggest biggest con there's so many root causes like we're saying here.
• 25:50
  And, like, within any of these categories, whether there be the way I categorize them or
• 25:54
  the way you categorize them, which really a lot of the same things.
• 25:57
  Largely, most of the same things, just the categories we talked about in slightly
• 26:00
  different ways.
• 26:02
  Yeah.
• 26:02
  Think one of the biggest things here is that that so often we just go through these these
• 26:07
  processes as partners and as women oftentimes around like, well, this is what it's supposed
• 26:12
  to be like.
• 26:13
  Right.
• 26:13
  That is if that's if we're going through life just having our sexual experiences on the
• 26:19
  schedule of this is what it's supposed to be like, it's like no wonder we become
• 26:24
  disinterested.
• 26:25
  If it's not feeling that great, and we're not in our pleasure body and we're just doing it to
• 26:29
  serve her out of obligation, there's only so long we can go and do that before it's like, oh
• 26:34
  yeah, both partners need to have this, you know, this this experience that is beneficial
• 26:39
  to both partners in order for everybody to wanna continue to come back.
• 26:42
  Absolutely.
• 26:43
  Yeah.
• 26:44
  Like, why would you eat at a buffet that doesn't have any, like, good food on it for
• 26:48
  you?
• 26:49
  Know?
• 26:50
  Everything you personalize.
• 26:51
  There's nothing on it.
• 26:51
  There's no chocolate cake.
• 26:53
  You know?
• 26:53
  There's seafood.
• 26:56
  Exactly.
• 26:57
  So true.
• 27:00
  Well, let's go back to number two here on this this component with trust too because I do
• 27:06
  think this is it's just such a key thing that I don't think gets talked about enough in the
• 27:12
  intimacy space.
• 27:13
  So can you talk a little bit about just fundamentally how some of these ways that that
• 27:20
  happen, that trust is broken?
• 27:22
  Because I think when people think of trust, they think of like, you know, real things.
• 27:24
  Right?
• 27:25
  We think of like cheating, lying, being kind of thing.
• 27:27
  And oftentimes, we're not really addressing some of those micro ways that trust is actually
• 27:33
  broken down and all of a sudden, your intimacy both in the bedroom and out suffers.
• 27:38
  So can you, you know, kind of Yeah.
• 27:40
  Talk a little bit about that?
• 27:41
  For sure.
• 27:42
  And I
• 27:42
  love that you just sort of whittled that down a little bit because you're right.
• 27:45
  Like, it it's not just all the big huge things.
• 27:49
  Trust is a it's really a moment by moment experience.
• 27:54
  Law and so is love, really.
• 27:55
  But let's talk about trust for a minute.
• 27:57
  And the feminine heart needs trust is, like, the thing that it's needs the most in order to
• 28:05
  blossom and to grow.
• 28:06
  It's also the thing that it's learning the most.
• 28:10
  Alright?
• 28:10
  Trust is actually the more important factor, and this took me a long time to realize.
• 28:15
  But for single people out there, single women who are dating, it's the trust.
• 28:20
  Do you trust this man?
• 28:22
  That's the thing to look at.
• 28:24
  Not the love.
• 28:24
  The love is is secondhand for most of us women, but the trust usually isn't.
• 28:29
  Trust usually takes a little bit more vetting, a little bit more, let me really let this
• 28:34
  person show themself to me.
• 28:37
  And yet, we're such love based beings that I think I know that I did a lot.
• 28:40
  I just sort of blew I don't know.
• 28:42
  I love this love, and I'm just gonna dive right in, but, like, I didn't trust the person.
• 28:47
  You know?
• 28:47
  And not not like they were gonna do be some axe murder or something, but, like, it's this inner
• 28:53
  compass.
• 28:53
  So it's really about listening to that internally.
• 28:56
  But in a long term relationship, trust can be broken in a million little ways.
• 29:01
  It can be broken by saying you're gonna do something that you don't follow through on.
• 29:06
  It sounds stupid, guys.
• 29:08
  I know.
• 29:09
  But if you are gonna change that light bulb and it takes you three weeks to get around to it,
• 29:15
  her trust is gradually getting whittled away.
• 29:19
  And then the same thing happens again with other little things that you say you're gonna
• 29:24
  do and you don't do it.
• 29:26
  So that over time, absolutely, she starts to lose trust in your capacity, in your
• 29:33
  consciousness, in your presence.
• 29:35
  It she can't lean into that.
• 29:38
  So I know it sounds small and it might sound stupid, but literally, like, that's an aspect
• 29:43
  of it in the relational space.
• 29:45
  These little ways that trust can over time just kinda be gradually whittled away until there's
• 29:51
  nothing really there for her to open into.
• 29:54
  The the feminine heart, the feminine yoni, our sexuality needs something to, like, blossom
• 29:59
  into.
• 30:01
  And if she's not trusting the relationship or the relational space or trusting his presence
• 30:07
  to, like, that he's got it, that he's got it contained, she's not gonna open.
• 30:12
  And and it's a body based thing.
• 30:14
  It's not even like it's up in her head.
• 30:16
  I mean, it might be.
• 30:17
  She might be upset that you didn't change the light bulb and ruminating over it, but these
• 30:21
  kind of things can embed in our bodies, and she might not even know that they're there.
• 30:26
  And there can be a lot of hurt that's carried over time that builds up into what I call,
• 30:30
  like, the wall of resentment.
• 30:31
  Like, brick by brick, it just slowly gets built until there's just numbness and she doesn't
• 30:36
  wanna fuck you anymore.
• 30:38
  Yeah.
• 30:39
  I really appreciate the light bulb example because I think that it it's just like it's
• 30:43
  it's such a good example for those little things, and I think oftentimes in obviously
• 30:47
  very general topics or general ways of looking at the stereotypical, men here can hear stuff
• 30:54
  like this and just be like, oh my goodness.
• 30:55
  She's like overbearing.
• 30:56
  Like, why is she doing such a big deal about the light bulb?
• 30:59
  Right?
• 31:00
  And when you look at it from like a bird's eye view, yes, it is just the light bulb.
• 31:04
  Like, it's not like something crazy.
• 31:06
  So so there is an angle where we can look at that and for sure being like, well, what is the
• 31:11
  big deal?
• 31:11
  It is just the bulb.
• 31:12
  And I can so I can I can have compassion for the masculine and, you know, in that partner,
• 31:16
  in that scenario because I can see that lens?
• 31:19
  Yeah.
• 31:19
  And at the same time, I completely agree with what you're saying, and I think it's just this
• 31:24
  point of awareness of realizing, like, to her, if something's said, it is not just the light
• 31:30
  bulb.
• 31:30
  It's so much And more of we think about how vulnerable, you know, females are just from a
• 31:35
  standpoint of strength and being entered.
• 31:37
  Like Yes.
• 31:38
  You know, sex is, like, such a vulnerable thing to be, like, entered and penetrated.
• 31:42
  It's most vulnerable thing in the world and we can't be vulnerable from a standpoint of truly
• 31:47
  being in our body and feeling the sensations if we're not in a full capacity of trust and all
• 31:53
  those things matter.
• 31:54
  Absolutely.
• 31:55
  And, you know, I wanna reiterate that it's not all on the man.
• 31:58
  I mean, like we said earlier, it's also the woman's ability and willingness to be
• 32:02
  penetratable.
• 32:04
  Yes.
• 32:04
  So, you know, if you've got a woman complaining that, you know, you hear this sometimes, my
• 32:08
  man's not masculine enough.
• 32:10
  It's like, well, let me look at I would love to get inside that relationship and see what's
• 32:15
  actually going on because sometimes what happens too is women will just take over.
• 32:20
  Right?
• 32:20
  Okay.
• 32:20
  He didn't do the thing, so I'm just gonna do it cause we get impatient, so we're just gonna do
• 32:23
  it.
• 32:23
  Well, we just robbed him of the opportunity to step into that space.
• 32:27
  So we have to create that space, and we also have to be willing to to be vulnerable, to
• 32:31
  allow ourselves to be held and to be penetratable, but we have to also be with a man
• 32:37
  who can who's who we feel safe with, who we know he's got it.
• 32:40
  He's got the shit together.
• 32:42
  And one
• 32:42
  of the point is,
• 32:43
  guys, I mean, and this is you know, the easy thing here is this could could be a very simple
• 32:47
  fix.
• 32:48
  It might take a little bit of time, but if you start just following through on what you say
• 32:52
  you're gonna do and then you do it, see how that impacts her.
• 32:57
  Just see.
• 32:57
  Yeah.
• 32:57
  Do it
• 32:58
  on your best.
• 32:59
  Yeah.
• 32:59
  And and, you know, and just to, you know, also talk to the other side of it too because I do
• 33:04
  think with what you're saying around, you know, owning it from the, you know, female
• 33:08
  perspective, You know, the other thing that I think comes up sometimes is it's very common
• 33:14
  that as women, we can emasculate men.
• 33:17
  And we don't speak to them in ways that, like, diminish them and make them speak less.
• 33:21
  And then, you know, it's another way that they are not then, you know, stepping into the
• 33:26
  opportunity as well.
• 33:27
  So I think the way, if, you know, if we are gonna bring it up, the way we approach without,
• 33:30
  like, you know, bringing it up and talking about the importance, but not in this
• 33:33
  emasculating type of way Exactly.
• 33:36
  Is all very simple.
• 33:37
  That's such a good point because where I see a lot of women go, we get critical.
• 33:41
  Like, I've done it.
• 33:42
  I have done it as Me too.
• 33:44
  I know.
• 33:45
  We start criticizing and, you know, and that never is gonna get us where we wanna where what
• 33:51
  we really want is to feel loved and cared for.
• 33:54
  Right?
• 33:55
  And if we are criticizing our man and giving him a hard time for not doing the thing that he
• 33:59
  said he was gonna do and you've never do it, why don't you ever do That doesn't inspire a
• 34:04
  man to take action.
• 34:05
  So what I'll offer to your female listeners here, what would inspire a man more, or at
• 34:09
  least you're gonna have a better chance of some success, and he's gonna appreciate a lot more
• 34:14
  is, again, we speak from the feeling sense.
• 34:18
  We bring our feeling in.
• 34:19
  We let him know, like, wow.
• 34:21
  When you did that thing, this is how I felt.
• 34:24
  Or gosh.
• 34:25
  If you would do this for me, it would do this is how that would impact.
• 34:29
  This is how it make me feel.
• 34:30
  Like, letting him know the impact that he's having on you from moment to moment.
• 34:34
  We can do that in a number of ways.
• 34:36
  We can do it through words.
• 34:38
  We can do it through expression, through just through body expression.
• 34:41
  But I'm gonna tell you one thing.
• 34:42
  Our bodies say it anyway.
• 34:43
  Whether we're saying it or not, our bodies are feeling it and expressing it one way or the
• 34:47
  other.
• 34:48
  But as a starting point, I think it's a really nice place to begin by learning how to speak
• 34:52
  from our feminine, which is just the feeling.
• 34:55
  Let me just speak of how I feel right now around this.
• 34:58
  Rather than I want you to go do the I'm giving you direction and telling you to do something,
• 35:03
  that's us accessing from our masculine capacity.
• 35:05
  We know we all have the ability to do that, and we're probably really good at it.
• 35:08
  But what that can do to your guy, it can make him feel emasculated.
• 35:11
  So he's either gonna resist what you're telling him to do by just not doing it, or you're gonna
• 35:19
  polarize him into the feminine.
• 35:21
  Yeah.
• 35:22
  He's
• 35:22
  gonna become more feminine.
• 35:23
  So he's either gonna fight it, like, come back against you and engage in battle, or he's gonna
• 35:28
  just get really passive and he'll let you do everything.
• 35:32
  Yeah.
• 35:32
  See a lot of women who just step up and they start doing everything, complain that their man
• 35:35
  won't do anything.
• 35:36
  Like, well, if you wanna shift that, it's hard to do.
• 35:39
  You gotta be willing to let everything fall apart, but just pick one spot and lean back.
• 35:44
  Lean back.
• 35:45
  Yeah.
• 35:46
  It's such good advice, and it's so important.
• 35:48
  And I wanna get this a little more granular and specific for people.
• 35:53
  So if we're going back to your analogy around, like, the light bulb, and so let's say
• 35:58
  somebody's asked Honey to change the light bulb and it was three weeks ago, like, in your
• 36:02
  example, and it's not being done, and you're saying, okay, well, we're gonna approach this
• 36:07
  from our feeling self.
• 36:08
  Can you give us, you know, with that, using that as an example, like, how might somebody
• 36:13
  approach it from that way just to, yeah, just help this be a little more understandable for
• 36:17
  people.
• 36:17
  It can be like, oh, god.
• 36:21
  I feel so happy when there's light in the room.
• 36:24
  It just puts a smile on my face, babe, because I can see you better.
• 36:29
  And you know what I love that you're doing?
• 36:31
  I'm using, like
• 36:32
  with this.
• 36:33
  I I love that what you're doing, because I've seen this to also be so effective in my
• 36:37
  relationships as well, as well as my work, Approaching this more from, like like, not,
• 36:45
  like, all the ways I feel annoyed by it because that would be another way of approaching it.
• 36:49
  Right?
• 36:49
  But instead of, like, everything it's gonna provide, like, that angle, I think, is so
• 36:56
  critical.
• 36:56
  That's the well, that is the secret sauce.
• 36:58
  That's really what I'm trying to get at.
• 37:00
  And it's a bit of an art form.
• 37:01
  It's not that we don't naturally go there.
• 37:04
  But if you can think what would be the benefit if that light bulb was installed?
• 37:06
  Oh, babe.
• 37:07
  I'd be able to, like, read my book at night.
• 37:09
  That'd be so fun.
• 37:10
  Like, we could read next to each other.
• 37:12
  It because men wanna provide.
• 37:14
  They wanna be needed.
• 37:14
  They want to be useful.
• 37:16
  And so how can you create a space where he could feel like he just accomplished something?
• 37:21
  You know?
• 37:22
  Like, he just gotta win right there by doing that light bulb.
• 37:26
  So we can do a setup in how we ask and how we express that that illustrates how he's gonna
• 37:31
  win if he does the light bulb.
• 37:33
  Because I think, you know, the flip side of it is he's like, fuck the light bulb.
• 37:36
  I'm just gonna put a light bulb in.
• 37:37
  You're gonna bitch about something else.
• 37:39
  Yeah.
• 37:40
  Right.
• 37:40
  Exactly.
• 37:41
  Like, it's a hidden classy right.
• 37:42
  And, like, well, I'm not never gonna go for the whole thing.
• 37:45
  I'm gonna just go watch football.
• 37:46
  You know?
• 37:47
  Get it then and there.
• 37:49
  You know?
• 37:49
  Nothing.
• 37:50
  Just gonna get in trouble somewhere else, so why am I even gonna try?
• 37:55
  Exactly right.
• 37:56
  It's exactly right.
• 37:58
  So I wanna talk a little bit too about desire mismatch since that's, like, such a specialty
• 38:04
  of yours.
• 38:04
  And I'm curious in some of what we're talking about here.
• 38:07
  Like, one of the things I talk to couples about with desire mismatch is, like, kinda getting
• 38:11
  people back on the same team, which is Yeah.
• 38:14
  Talking about, like, okay, we'll start by talking about, like, what sex provides for them
• 38:19
  and what intimacy provides for them.
• 38:22
  So the idea here and, like, kind of piggybacking off of what we're saying around,
• 38:25
  like, the light bulb example and, like, focusing on, like, wow, like, I just love when
• 38:29
  I can see your face.
• 38:30
  I love when there's light, and, like, focusing on, like, those positives.
• 38:34
  And so it's similar to an intro step I do for people in desire mismatch, it's like let's talk
• 38:39
  about some of these things that you're actually getting, not about just getting off.
• 38:43
  Right.
• 38:44
  But like
• 38:44
  what's actually, like learning what's underneath higher libido.
• 38:49
  So I'm wondering, like, do you use, like, similar stuff in your work, or or what are,
• 38:53
  like, some of the foundational steps that you're seeing to be really important with
• 38:57
  desire mismatch?
• 38:58
  Yeah.
• 38:59
  Well, I mean, I think we've touched on it a little a little bit already.
• 39:01
  It's that ability to note and just really starting there.
• 39:04
  Because if we can't notice what we want, what we or what we need, right, those are sort of
• 39:08
  the the two aspects of noticing or feel.
• 39:11
  What do I want?
• 39:11
  What do I need?
• 39:12
  What do I feel?
• 39:13
  And be able to name it.
• 39:14
  So I work a lot with my clients on on giving voice to it.
• 39:18
  Actually naming it out loud because there's really something I believe we need to have good
• 39:22
  access to that before we start playing in realms where maybe we're reading body language
• 39:27
  more or intuiting.
• 39:29
  Like, that's a much more subtle realm.
• 39:31
  And so I believe we have to have good access to our voice first.
• 39:33
  So the ability to notice a name and then how we get on the same page.
• 39:37
  Yeah.
• 39:37
  I love that, Diane.
• 39:39
  I mean, that is an certainly an aspect of it.
• 39:41
  Like, what is what do we really mean by sex, and what does it mean for both of us, and how
• 39:45
  does it what do we each get out of it, and why?
• 39:47
  That's a part of it, but there's also the understanding that to to get back on the same
• 39:51
  page, we don't have to both want the same things at the same time.
• 39:54
  Yes.
• 39:55
  And that's the beauty of the negotiating.
• 39:57
  And the negotiation triad and the pleasure keys process is really about how you create clarity
• 40:01
  in those exact situations and the relationally.
• 40:05
  One person wants one thing, the other person doesn't want that thing.
• 40:08
  And that's where we get into more it's a much more nuanced conversation.
• 40:12
  So we we start to learn how to find the difference between my desire.
• 40:16
  Am I following my desire?
• 40:17
  Am I following your desire?
• 40:19
  Or were we following your desire?
• 40:20
  And those are two different states, somatic states in our bodies that arise differently.
• 40:24
  If I am following my desire, I'm in a state of wanting.
• 40:27
  What do I want?
• 40:28
  Mhmm.
• 40:29
  Following your desire, I'm looking at, am I willing?
• 40:31
  Am I willing with a joyful open heart?
• 40:33
  And I'll tell you, there's a lot of pleasure available to us in that role of just being
• 40:37
  willing to give and to provide.
• 40:39
  It's not necessarily what I'm desiring in the moment, but I can follow my partner's desire,
• 40:44
  there is pleasure available there as well.
• 40:46
  It's not necessarily a requirement, but we can learn how to have that discernment over
• 40:51
  understanding who is this for right now, whose desire are we going to follow right now.
• 40:57
  And just having that clarity can really help immensely.
• 41:00
  It can get us out of those train wreck moments, what I call it, the train wreck moments where
• 41:04
  the couples have where things go south really fast and they're just like, f it.
• 41:08
  Let's not just let's just not have sex.
• 41:10
  You know?
• 41:11
  Yeah.
• 41:11
  Yeah.
• 41:12
  Out of that, which can be really hot.
• 41:15
  My partner and I actually just had a moment like that a couple days ago and it was really
• 41:20
  beautiful.
• 41:20
  Like, I just kinda kept moving with the energy and it just ended up to end up being a really
• 41:25
  beautiful experience for both of us.
• 41:26
  Like, we didn't let it be the end of the game, you know, the end of the interaction.
• 41:31
  It's like, it's just staying connected to that flow and and following that and having the
• 41:37
  clarity enough to know, okay.
• 41:39
  Like, I I can navigate that space.
• 41:41
  It's not so such muddy waters, and we can stay in it.
• 41:44
  We can find our way through it, and then it can be really hot.
• 41:48
  So it's it's a skill set, though, that we that usually needs to be learned.
• 41:53
  Yeah.
• 41:53
  Yeah.
• 41:54
  And I love this distinction too around following our own pleasure versus following
• 41:58
  partner's pleasure, and I appreciate you that you're bringing up that, like, there's, like,
• 42:02
  can be a lot of, like, pleasure and joy in each of these, you know, these pleasure paths.
• 42:06
  I do think sometimes, though, people get into and I think this can happen sometimes if people
• 42:11
  are you know, sometimes it's it's that they're more erotically oriented to being more that
• 42:17
  giver.
• 42:18
  And and maybe not with even an eroticism, maybe also in life where it's like, oh, yeah.
• 42:22
  I'm just following my partner's pleasure, you know, path.
• 42:25
  Do you think in your work, do you think there's like like, if somebody is in a state where
• 42:30
  they're like, oh, yeah.
• 42:31
  Like, I'm always following my partner's pleasure, but I get complete joy, and I feel
• 42:35
  great about it.
• 42:36
  Do you feel like there's a problem if somebody is, like, you know, more on that side, or is it
• 42:40
  really just kinda dependent upon how they're oriented to it?
• 42:43
  Yeah.
• 42:44
  It's definitely not necessarily a problem unless it is a problem.
• 42:47
  And obviously, people don't come to people like us to this sort of
• 42:49
  problem.
• 42:50
  True.
• 42:51
  That is true.
• 42:53
  Mean, if we look at polarity and we wanna get into the, you know, a little bit of talk on
• 42:57
  sexual polarity, the external focus, I mean, focused on the pleasure of the other is largely
• 43:03
  a masculine polarity, whereas the feminine polarity is that immersion into her own
• 43:08
  experience.
• 43:09
  The inward and downward focus of the feminine is about just going in and that's why it can be
• 43:14
  so hot when you have that dynamic, when you purposely work that dynamic where he's just all
• 43:20
  his attention on her and she has the trust and ability to sink into her own sensations, that's
• 43:25
  a beautiful dynamic, and that's what creates some of that sexual magnetism and the arousal
• 43:29
  and that desire for sex.
• 43:31
  But sometimes what can happen here's one example.
• 43:33
  He might be that external focus that she doesn't have that capacity to drop and to
• 43:39
  immerse into her her own sensation.
• 43:41
  That's a lot of what I work with on the women's sec like, that's my specialty.
• 43:44
  Right?
• 43:44
  The women's sexuality and this mismatch libido in couples.
• 43:46
  That dynamic exactly where largely what I'm doing, there's coaching for the men in there,
• 43:51
  of course, as well because a co created experience, but a lot of it is kinda helping
• 43:55
  her be able to drop more and feel safer being in her feminine, which is vulnerable, and it
• 44:00
  can feel chaotic, and that we don't know what's happening because it that is the nature of the
• 44:04
  feminine.
• 44:04
  It's the feeling sense.
• 44:06
  So it's not a problem, of course, unless it is a problem.
• 44:09
  Some of the places where that can become a problem for a man, for example, is in cases of
• 44:12
  erectile dysfunction.
• 44:14
  If he's having a hard time getting an erection, sometimes what we want to do is actually help
• 44:18
  him be able to immerse into his own sensation.
• 44:20
  So we reverse the flow a little bit to help him feel himself more deeply.
• 44:25
  He can also then sensitize to his partner better as well.
• 44:28
  So we want people both partners to be able to have the capacity to access both that internal
• 44:33
  inward and downward immersion into sensation, as well as the ability to focus on the other
• 44:38
  and giving to the other.
• 44:39
  It's it's just a matter of expanding our sexual range.
• 44:42
  Right?
• 44:42
  We wanna be able to play all the notes on the piano.
• 44:44
  Right?
• 44:45
  Or seeing all the notes on the scale.
• 44:47
  Absolutely.
• 44:48
  And that's when we get into orgasmic capacity and and so many other amazing coffee.
• 44:54
  Well, I know I've kept you for quite a while today, so I wanna ask you kind of in conclusion
• 44:59
  is, like, there is there anything that we haven't said?
• 45:02
  I know there's a zillion things that we could say.
• 45:04
  Things.
• 45:04
  Yeah.
• 45:04
  But is there anything that you're like, oh, we definitely have to mention this today?
• 45:08
  You know, I don't think so.
• 45:10
  This feels like such a good and complete conversation.
• 45:12
  I don't even wanna add any more to it.
• 45:14
  This is like Okay.
• 45:15
  Perfect.
• 45:16
  Well, we're gonna put your sexual speedometer test in the link for that in the show notes.
• 45:21
  We'll also put, you know, other areas or other links as far as podcasts and other things where
• 45:25
  people can get ahold of you and follow your work and all of that.
• 45:28
  So make sure everybody you you, like, look in the show notes for that.
• 45:32
  And happy New Year, everybody.
• 45:34
  I wish you the best in your holiday seasons, the best in New Year's.
• 45:38
  Look out for information in the New Year both from Susan and myself on fun new offerings from
• 45:43
  2026 coming down the pipeline to support you and your sexual wellness and your partnerships
• 45:49
  and more, and we'll see you all in the new year.
• 45:52
  Take good care.
• 45:56
  Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
• 45:58
  Please don't keep me a secret.
• 45:59
  Please share this with your friends.
• 46:01
  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.