Latest / From Sad Pick Me Girl to Alchemist / Episode 14 BONUS - You Can't Love Someone Into Changing
Transcript
- Denise: Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of From Sad Picking Girl to Alchemist. Today I want to touch on toxic relationship patterns and why we stay in dynamics that we know are unhealthy for us. And I like to speak a lot about relationships because it's very relevant to my life right now, and I know that it'll resonate with the people who need to hear it most. And I set the intention that everything that I share reaches the souls that are struggling with things that I've struggled with and are feeling stuck and not knowing what's next. And so I have been sharing lots about how I was in a toxic dynamic. My most recent one was the more subtle one. And therefore I've felt the need to share often about that particular relationship because it is where I learned the most. And it's where I learned that Narcissism isn't always loud, and it's not always what you imagine or what you hear. the abuse is not obvious all the time. And some may argue and say that it's not abuse. However, the emotional toll that it takes on you is undeniable. And that is one of the things I really want to highlight in this episode because as somebody who was raised around very obvious abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse. It was hard for me to understand that what I was experiencing was also abuse. And I would minimize it and protect that person because what I've learned also is just because people have tendencies, narcissistic tendencies, doesn't mean that every aspect of them is evil and that they don't sometimes have good intentions with what they do. However, Oftentimes their intentions behind the good acts that they do are more about self-image and image preservation than doing acts of kindness for the sake of being a good person and for really feeling that need to help others deep within their soul. And even now as I speak this, I realize that the very last person that I had dated will say seriously, even though it wasn't necessarily your conventional relationship, it was a person who I felt was deeply struggling internally and had good intentions, but ultimately exhibited so many behaviors of covert narcissism that even I have not been able to fully wrap my head around what was real and what was not. And I may never and I have to let that go. I have to stop ruminating because the I ruminate and give this person my energy, the more control they have over me. And I no longer want this person to have that control. And so in sharing some of the subtle ways that abuse can show up, I hope that I help awaken people to the fact that they are experiencing something that is real that many of us have experienced, and it's difficult to walk away. And when you're in the thick of it, it's hard to explain. And you want to justify staying while also being embarrassed about it. And that was me. I so many times had tried to walk away from this particular dynamic, knowing that it was wrong, knowing that I was very embarrassed about how this person had treated me. And of course I would go to the people who cared about me and I would express what had happened and they had a certain image of him because of that. And they wanted to protect me, they loved me, and they didn't want me to go back. But I continued to go back until it ended so badly that there were there was no option to go back. And I want to also say if you are somebody who is in this relationship and you keep going back and you're keeping it a secret to protect this person, I understand it, I get it, I've done it many times. But I hope you know that that's your sign that that person is not for you. When all the people that you love are trying to protect you from that person and you know that they would be disappointed, it's not about them. You don't want to not tell them because you'll know you they'll be disappointed in you. Sure, that's part of it. But also, deep down, these people that love you want what's best for you. And do you really think that if they thought that somebody who was hot and cold with you and abusive and emotionally manipulative was good for you, do you think that they wouldn't want you with that person? No. And I Know that we stay and we think that maybe this person will prove them wrong and then we'll be able to change the narrative, but rarely does that happen. That person would have to have a level of self-awareness that they do not have, they do not have the same level of awareness that you have, they do not have the same empathy, they do not have the same emotional capacity, and that's where we have to realize that we are projecting those things that we have onto other people. And I did not realize this myself because I tend to have tendencies that some would say can be labeled. as aggressive or abusive and I am working on those because I don't want to be that reactive person. I don't want to be that confrontational person because I wanted to flip the script, having grown up with somebody submissive to abuse and letting herself be walked all over. I didn't want to be that person. And instead I became the combative one. And when I saw the signs of abuse rather than walk away, I tried to get that person to admit that they were doing it. And all it did was make this person more aggressive and more vile and more angry towards me. And then it would escalate and we were both just trying to one up each other in this anger escalation. And did I ever get them to admit that they were doing what they were doing? No, I didn't. Instead, I looked like I didn't know how to control my emotions because I didn't. I wanted so badly for these people to admit you are lying to me, you are manipulating me, you are breadcrumbing me. And when I would say these things, what was I met with but being told I was crazy or over-demanding or overly emotional? And what it was is I loved the person that I thought that these people were. I loved the compassionate side of them, the side that liked to help people, the side that would listen to you with eye contact and give you that great advice that you wanted to hear. That's what I missed. I wasn't looking for this cold-hearted person that stonewalled me every time I asked for more. I was looking for the good person that was in them, the person that I thought that they were, because I know I had the capacity to love and I know I had the capacity to give my full self to these individuals, and I know that I wanted to change. All the toxic patterns that I had so that I could be a good partner. And I thought they wanted to do the same, but no, they wanted to do exactly what they thought would keep me wrapped around their little fingers so that I wouldn't go anywhere and that I would give them all my energy and not simply walk away. Walk away to someone of my caliber. And when I say of my caliber, I mean somebody who is also empathetic, someone who's also kind, someone who has also made mistakes, but understands that that's part of being a human. And we learn from those and we vow to do better. But that wasn't these people. And I need to accept that because even now when I do mourn the loss of them, I am not mourning the loss of who they really are. I am mourning who I thought they were. And if this resonates, I feel for you. I know what it's like to mourn somebody that didn't exist, somebody that you created in your head. And then you think, no, but I saw that. He had the capacity to be empathetic. I saw the good in him. I saw that. I know he was a fuckboy, but he showed me the soft emotional side, and I know where it stems from. I know that it stems from his mother not giving him enough attention and putting too much emphasis on men. I know that it stems from feeling invisible in their home because there were so many siblings and they didn't get the attention and love that they wanted from their parents. Those were the things that I used in my head to justify why these men were treating me this way. And if I just stayed and provided empathy and understanding, then I could pull out those good qualities, that good man that I saw, and they would see that we could be a good partnership. But no. No. And when I speak from this perspective, of course I'm speaking from a woman's perspective, but I know that men deal with it too. And I know that it's minimized. I know that men get told often, you're being dramatic, you're being overly emotional. like just just man up. Man up. She has you by the balls. Walk away. Abuse is not gender exclusive. Women do it, men do it. It happens. It's a it's a human problem. It's human level. And This information is applicable to anybody who has dealt with any form of emotional abuse, physical abuse, financial abuse, you name it. But oftentimes these people don't gravitate towards the people that are like them. They don't gravitate towards the people that are cutthroat and that pretend. Because they know those people wouldn't stand for it. They know those people wouldn't stick around for their potential. Those people would walk. They go for the empathetic people, the emotional people, the people that they really want to be like, but they don't have the capacity to be like. They go to the people who they have all that positive energy to suck from, for lack of a better way to explain it. So they latch onto you. They see that you're this kind, empathetic soul that will deal with their breadcrumbing, that will deal with their toxic relationship patterns, that will see the good in them. And they know that they can get away with way more than they could if they found somebody as cold as they are deep inside. I learned that to be true the hard way So when I share this, I really want it to reach people who are not only in the thick of it, but who are recovering from separation. Because I don't want the cycle to repeat. I don't want you to continue to attract the same person with a different face. And it does require you to take a step back and understand that you too play a role in gravitating towards these people. No, you are not cursed. No, you are not destined for bad relationships. You're an empathetic and kind person, and those people know who lacks boundaries. So strengthen your boundaries and as soon as you see the signs, walk away. You can't change these people. You can't. And yes, there are some hints of good in them, but we may not know what was real and what was not. And I'm speaking from experience, I didn't know that some of the darkest people come in pretty packaging. And when I share about my previous relationships, I heavily share how I I played a role in this too. Like I said, I had this reactive personality, an extremely reactive personality that lacked boundaries that would call and just say I would you're gonna speak to me, you're gonna answer your phone and we're gonna talk this through. And I didn't give these people the space. And it wasn't the kind of person who, you know, you get into an argument and they say, I need space. sure, if it was a healthy dynamic, I could have respected that. But because I knew it wasn't, I acted in ways that I continued not to be proud of. And I knew that the space was That person hopping to other women or using all the women that he constantly had in his background to he would use that as an excuse because, she's being difficult. Let me go to the one who doesn't act like a leaky faucet as he's called his ex-girlfriend. The leaky faucet, all women become leaky faucets, all people at some point. And that was just a way to say somebody who complains. And it wasn't really complaining, it was voicing concerns about the relationship, concerns that were valid because this person was not acting with integrity. This person was running to other people. soon as he had the opportunity to and providing justification in his head for it because things weren't going well anyways so Does it matter? I might not even want to be with this person. Why don't I just see how this how it goes with this other person? it's not working out. Okay, let me go back to this woman and and give her another shot now that she's cooled off. Now that she's forgotten, maybe she won't question it. And that's precisely what happened. I stopped questioning things because I wanted to keep that person around. And it doesn't start off this way. It starts off with them showing you their best selves, the good friend that you need, the ear that you need, the person that you go to to vent to. They learn what what you like, what you don't like. They learn about your triggers. They study you. They study you well. And it's not always completely malicious. I think part of it is them wanting to be able to relate on a human level, but again, they don't have the capacity to. So then they start using these things against you. And I remember for this last more covert one, it started off as him pretending to be so interested and and wanting to be around me and calling me constantly. He would call me so many times throughout the day. And even my friends would say, well, can't he make a decision by himself? Because he would call me to ask for advice on decisions to make. And I was like, you know, he just needs somebody to be there for him. And I was more than willing to. More than willing. But was he willing to be there for me? No. No. He was still juggling his ex-girlfriend, and I didn't know that. I thought that they had separated and he was done with it, but he later admitted that they he had told her that he just needed space. And what did he do in that space? He came back to me and We developed this relationship for lack of a better term, where I was the person that he would go to and lie to when he was with her. And he would tell me, I'm just gonna go to bed early. Just gonna go to bed at seven PM and I always knew that that was his MO just from having had him in my life before. And I ended up telling myself that I was wrong. I ended up questioning my own int intuition and saying, no, you're just crazy. You know, you d you're just you don't like that's not really happening. You are possessive and jealous and you've had this experience and you need to tone it down. But man were the signs right in my face all the time. And I got to the point where I questioned everything. I couldn't tell reality from Fantasy and insecurity, I didn't know. And that was his point. That was always it. And it's not to villainize the person because I don't want to villainize. I understand that these people are dealing with not liking themselves at their core. And when you think of narcissism, that's really what it is. It's these people are so shameful and so hateful inside. And they want to be those kind empathetic people. They want to do those things. So they mirror the behaviors that kind empathetic people have. But it's not coming from the same place. It's not. And they won't show these colors to everyone. They show those only to the people closest to them. So once you get really close, you start to see how vile of a human they become. And I started to see it slowly. And it became more obvious. And when I would try to pull back and really focus on myself, this person would reel me back in in some way. Or I would talk to him and reel him back in. And the way that I would get him to let me back in is by basically just Expecting nothing. No title, minimal time, no planning, nothing. Nothing. And just to give you an example, because we're talking about somebody who started off as a friend, a friend who we had previously dated and decided because he didn't want to commit that it was better to part ways. So then he we came back into each other's lives after we both separated from a relationship and He started off as a friend that would call me constantly throughout the day. And then we would hang out. And then it became more romantic. Then we started spending every weekend together. And then my kids would go around him and he would have his kid around me. And it became this dynamic that had a lot of depth to it, but no title. And that was how he justified the things that he would do to me. And he Would say things like, you're so special, you're so beautiful, or super pretty. I don't remember the exact terms. He would just compliment me all the time, but also take that away by Me whenever I asked for commitment, he would just say, no, I like I'm just not sure what I want right now. So if that's not enough for you, then it's fine. And of course I didn't want it to be fine. I wanted him in my life, so I stayed. And I would just tell him, Well, if you want to be with other people, I would like to know because I don't want to continue this if you're going to. And he would say, No, I don't. It's not about being with anybody else. I just don't want to give the title because you know I have kids and you have kids. And so I stuck around you guys. And I am going to go into depth because I know that there are people out there with a similar story. And when I had really difficult moments, he was willing to come to my rescue, sure. Like my car tire popped on the freeway, and he was willing to come get me and help me with that. And There wasn't a a time where I needed his help with navigating something through FaceTime and I don't want to explain what because this one is deeply personal and it affects somebody in my family. And I asked him and he walked me through the steps of what I needed to do to de-escalate the situation. It was something that he was familiar with and I wasn't. And so I appreciated that. But those are the kinds of things where I think, well, was he acting from a place of love? Did he really love me? Maybe the capacity that somebody like that has to care about somebody, sure. But at the end of the And I remember one of the times I had asked him I was gonna go over and he just said you can come before or after I'm going to a a roping event. It was like I don't know, I think it ha it's like the rodeo roping, if you're not familiar. It doesn't matter. It was some rodeo type roping thing that he was gonna go to and he said, You can come before or you can come after. And I just said, Why don't you ever invite me to go with you to anything? And he was just said I mean there was more to the situation, but one of the words that he said was, God, sometimes you just fucking suck. And I'll never forget that because I thought to myself, even as a friend, I would never speak to somebody this way. Where I'm asking him to make plans with me to include me in his life. And he would tell me that I fucking sucked. This same person that would call me ten times a day, and sometimes I would tell him I was going to go see a friend, and he would still call me while I was at my friend's house, knowing I was at my friend's house, to ask me a question that could have waited. And now I see that that was it was a covert way to control me. And I can only assume that it was because he thought I was acting in the ways that he did and going to see other people in line about where I was, but I didn't do that. I w didn't do those kinds of things with him. I've been the person who lies in relationships and I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm going to act within transparency and And also he had a woman over one morning to look at an animal, supposedly. And I knew of this particular woman because he also lied and went to go do something her for her business related and never mentioned that it was the woman in question. It was always omission. And that is another thing I want to be very explicit about. When people don't give you information because they think it's going to upset you, that is still a form of Dishonesty, it's a form of dishonesty. If you're purposely leaving out information because you don't want to upset somebody, I know that sometimes you think it's preservation of a relationship, but it does the opposite. It does the exact opposite. I wouldn't have thought a damn thing if he had mentioned that he was gonna go pick something up for this particular woman, but he didn't. And he would do things like that. And then she came over one morning and I looked at her Instagram story because, you know, we'd be crazy and we know who we know the women that it might be. If you're a woman, you know. I don't know if men's intuition works this way, but for women it does. And so she had been there that morning and I had spoken to him. He didn't mention a word. He didn't mention anyone was gonna go over or anything. And so I told him, like, why didn't you tell me that somebody was there? And he's like, this is my business. You don't have to know any of my business. And I started to think, well, maybe he's right. Maybe I didn't need to know. And did I? No, but those are things you mentioned in passing. Like, hey, someone's gonna come over to see X, Y, and Z. And he knew I was gonna see him later that day. I wouldn't have thought a damn thing about it. It's the omission. They omit because they know they're acting in sketchy ways or they're going to be accused of something. I don't know. But either way, it's an omission. And a lot of the times they omit things because they know what they're doing. They know exactly what they're doing. And funny thing is because I I always feel like I need to justify, but I already know deep down what was going on. I just was never gonna get it from him. And we ran into this same woman at the gas station, right? Same exact woman. And I didn't want to tell him I know this woman because I look at your socials and I know what's up. But she was there and he was like, you just get out. I'm gonna stay in here, you get out and just get whatever you want. It was we're gonna go pick up wine. So I didn't want to cause a scene and say, Is it because that woman is here. So I walked out and I went and grabbed it and I maintained quiet. But what would happen when we argued was all these things would come up and I would get stonewalled. And this was so cyclical, you guys. It happened over and over until it came to an end a really bad head. And I know he has documentation. He had videoed me so many times of me losing my shit and looking like a insane woman because I was becoming an insane woman. I really was. I felt like I was losing losing my mind. So if you were somebody who is constantly questioning your own intuition and you are being stonewalled when you ask for clarity and you feel like you're constantly on edge, but you also think that if you voice your opinion this person will walk away. Let them Let them walk away. This person is not operating at the capacity that you need them to. They are not going to give you what you want. And yes, I know you might think this person is my soulmate. We have this strong connection. They might be a karmic soulmate. Look up the definition of karmic soulmates. And those people are here to teach you a lesson. And I promise you, your greatest heartbreaks are going to be the catapult into a higher timeline. There's something that you need to learn. And if you learn it now, you will get into a timeline where you meet somebody that can meet you. But learn the lesson. And I always tell you guys, if you listen to my other episodes, I am not speaking from a place that's higher up because I have ruminated enough about this previous relationship so many times of what I could have done better because I know that I acted in ways that I am still ashamed of. I know that if he were to show people videos of me crying and expressing myself in unhealthy manners, like screaming and crying, and God knows what I was saying. Honestly, you black out from the insanity that happens that I would be ashamed. But you know what? I'm not gonna let that silence me because I want people that are undergoing that to know that they can walk away. Please walk away. If I would have listened to my friends as I was on the phone antagonizing this man, I would have and I say antagonizing, what I really mean is I was like, you're gonna answer me. You're gonna give me answers. I'm gonna force you into honesty. I'm gonna force you into admitting. And again, all I did was look like I was aggressive and couldn't control my emotions because I've already struggled with those things. But when you're met with somebody who is mirroring these wounds to you, it just brings out the absolute worst and it highlights everything that you have not yet worked through. And I know now that I've learned these lessons and how I integrate them is going to be the next step, and that's to be to remain determined. That's not for me to know. But again, I just want to highlight if this is you and you feel like you're walking on eggshells and you feel like you're watering yourself down and you feel like you're never being met with honesty and it's nothing but half-truths. I know it seems gut-wrenching, but that's what I'm here for, and that is why I'm developing a program to help people to understand that heartbreak is inevitable. But you can use it to catapult into a higher timeline. You can use it into really integrating the lessons that you need to learn to meet your person. And I shared something the other day on Instagram. And I want to also provide some clarity that I know for me, my sole lesson was to let go of toxic relationship patterns so I could meet my We'll call it soulmate. I think we have multiple soulmates, but to meet the soulmate that was healthy, I needed to undergo lots of toxic relationship patterns in order to be at that level. And people are saying that this is a fantasy. It's not a fantasy because I'm not saying that that's the case for everyone. Nobody has to be fully healed in order to meet somebody. And everyone's path looks different. So that's my path. I'm not saying that's everyone's path, and that does not mean you have to be a fully healed human because I myself am not a fully healed human, but I know that I've made the necessary steps now to enter into a partnership. And when I have that partnership, other Wounds that I have not yet worked on are going to be mirrored to me, and that's the beauty of it. We're constantly evolving, we're constantly developing as humans, but I want somebody who is willing to grow alongside me and to understand that I am imperfect and I have emotions and I have past traumas that I will forever be trying to unlearn. But I'm committed to doing better for myself and for the right person, but especially for myself, more than anything. Because I believe that a true partnership, a divine partnership is two souls that come together that want to ascend and know that in union. they can do that with much more we'll say power because you lean on each other's strengths and you lean on each other's support and let's get real we want companionship so it's all of that and no I don't think that our sole purpose to come to this earth is to meet a soul partner but I think that that's the the key behind them is that they're there so that they can help us elevate so we can help each other elevate. That's the key. And I wasn't looking for that before. What I thought I I thought I wanted that, but I wasn't ready. What I was looking was to save people, to save people with wounds that were similar to my own that I hadn't even worked through. I thought I could love the good out of these people when I wasn't even loving the good out of myself. I was letting them drain me of every little bit of it that I had left. So don't let that be you. I am speaking to all my fellow empaths. I know that word gets thrown around a lot, but those people that really feel so deeply, you take on people's pain like it's your own. And you have to have boundaries, and it's not selfish. I mean I struggle with because I had a narcissistic parent. I'm very cautious of the word narcissist, and I don't like it to be thrown around, but I'm also terrified of being one, and I sometimes overcompensate. So I need to find a nice little middle ground and understand that yes, sometimes I need to have boundaries and I need to be selfish and put myself first and foremost because that is the key to having energy to expend and to give to others. And I will say, when you are your most authentic, powerful self. you naturally empower other people around you to do the same. So you helping yourself will help others. But it is also not your job to handhold people that are not ready to see the light. And you will know when people are ready. You'll know. You won't have to convince them. And I always say I'm not here to convince anyone of anything. I'm here to help those that are ready to see it through, to understand that heartbreak is not the end. And yes, it does feel like the end. I have mentioned to you guys many times that I was crying in my closet, saying I did not want to go through another heartbreak, and that I would rather not be here because that's how. How severe it felt. How severe it felt to be not chosen by somebody, and how severe it felt to be so attached to somebody who I loved and adored, yet could treat me that way and can speak to me that way. And when I asked for clarity, the evil that I was met with, we'll just say the coldness that I was met with was undeniable. I didn't want to see it. But to sit there and cry to someone about running to other women every time that we fought, only for him to do it over and over again shows the kind of human that he was. Does that mean that he didn't want to be a good human? I don't know. And I'll never know. And I need to come to peace with that. And come to peace with me not knowing what his healing journey looks like and that it's not my business. It's not my business to know if he ever learns the lessons and ever decides to become a kind, empathetic, and loyal, transparent human being. I mean, it seems like a far cry, but When you are so involved with what your past is doing, you give them your power. Don't give them your power. Think of the person that is going to help you feel safe. And I know it sounds like a fantasy, but there is someone out there for you. If you desire partnership, you just have to learn the lessons. And if you don't learn the lessons, you continue to go with karmic partners, those partners that are only there to mirror your deepest, darkest wounds and bring out the worst than you then you're not going to gravitate towards the partner that is part of your. Highest timeline. So learn the lesson. Walk away. I am here to support you. And if you go to my Instagram, Denise B. Miller, send me a DM. We can work together to get you through it. My mission in life is to help people see it through the heartbreak is not the end. Oftentimes it's the beginning. I know it sounds like some cheesy ass slogan, but it's not. It's not. And it's taken me Quite some time to get over these heartbreaks, but as I continue to share these things and express myself, I am healing in ways that I truly want for everyone who wants to do better and to quit the cycle of repeating these toxic patterns and to not fall into the mindset that everybody sucks because that's the default right now. Everyone's like, well that's just humanity and you live in the fantasy land. No, I don't live in fantasy land. I understand that there is a lot of ugly in the world, but as empathetic people, it is our job to set those boundaries so that we don't put up with the ugly. We help enlighten those who are ready to be enlightened and we help shine brighter lights on those who are already shine are already shining. That came out a lot less smoothly than it came in my head, but you get the picture. We do not let ourselves be dragged down by people who are in the dark. That's not our job here. So again, please reach out to me if you feel like you need support. That is what I'm here for. I want to help those who are struggling in the depths of be it a current toxic relationship pattern or ruminating over something that has already ended. You can use this to up level. You can use it to do better and you can use it to end the cycle so that you never experience a relationship where you are being walked all over and denying your intuition again. I just want to thank you all so much for being here on this journey with me. And if this resonated, I encourage you to share with a friend or anyone else who may need to hear it. And with that, I will see you guys next week.