Latest / AWAKEN with Dylan Ayaloo: Inner Work, Healing, Yoga & Meditation / [EP70] How to stop spiralling about someone you don't want to see (where your focus goes, your energy flows)

Transcript

[EP70] How to stop spiralling about someone you don't want to see (where your focus goes, your energy flows) · AWAKEN with Dylan Ayaloo: Inner Work, Healing, Yoga & Meditation

• 0:00
  What I would say about this is, you know, when I think back to any time I've had this, you know, or something close to this, is the struggle or the suffering that I'm experiencing seems to come because I'm placing my attention on this other person, right, or people or person.
• 0:25
  So for you, it's a person. And because my attention is there, you know, my focus is there, as the saying goes, where your focus is, is where your energy flows.
• 0:36
  so therefore when I put my focus into that person then it goes into the situation
• 0:44
  with them and then you know what comes up is
• 0:51
  how difficult or not easy or not pleasant the situation is then the mind goes okay this seems
• 1:01
  like a problem. And the mind being a problem solving machine goes, right, let me make some
• 1:06
  suggestions to try and solve it. So then it begins the cycle of thinking and overthinking, analyzing
• 1:14
  and overanalyzing. And a lot of times making the situation bigger, rarely smaller, because it feels
• 1:25
  worse normally when it's bigger. Because the way this thing is wired, it goes, okay, well,
• 1:31
  if I can deal with the worst thing, worst case scenario, then I might be okay, as in survival.
• 1:37
  Right? So even though it's not a survival, it's an event, it can feel like a subtler version of,
• 1:44
  you know, the survival mechanism. And it's like showing up, right? And it's not like
• 1:50
  the survival mechanism can be subtle it's just almost like just on or off you know so it can
• 1:55
  feel like it's subtle but actually it's just like on or off so then go into kind of survival mode
• 2:01
  and this is where you're talking about like fear and worry um you know so then over and over like
• 2:09
  ruminating over it thinking about it over and over again playing it out in the mind
• 2:15
  looking at all the different angles, the different perspectives that I think I can.
• 2:24
  But the thing is, I can try and look for a different perspective, but where I am hasn't
• 2:28
  shifted. So therefore, I'm going to be seeing it the same way, even though I think I'm,
• 2:34
  you know, looking for a different perspective. So that's all to say, you know, the first thing
• 2:43
  is on this person or people or situation, in your case, as a person.
• 2:49
  So therefore, I find if I take the attention and put it on myself, so in this case, you're
• 2:57
  going to an event, right?
• 2:59
  I'm guessing there's going to be other friends, and you're probably going to an event to enjoy
• 3:04
  it, right?
• 3:05
  To have fun, perhaps.
• 3:08
  and when the focus is on the other person or the problem the situation there is no room for you to
• 3:15
  enjoy yourself or have fun but when the focus is back on yourself and there is a time and place
• 3:26
  you know to be putting ourselves first and this I would say is one of them so in this case putting
• 3:33
  your attention back to yourself and the reason you're going to the event to enjoy it to have
• 3:41
  some fun brings the focus back to what actually matters like you know the very reason you're there
• 3:53
  therefore it shifts from having to navigate like try and navigate you know
• 4:03
  this person, them being there, you having to have a conversation with them, what to say to them,
• 4:10
  what not to say to them, how to deal with them, which might be just a very small part of the
• 4:16
  actual experience. It may happen. It might actually not happen, right? Because who knows? I mean,
• 4:22
  depending on the situation, that person might be avoiding you as well or wanting to avoid you.
• 4:29
  so either way you know I'm not saying ignore the situation but like the focus is
• 4:37
  can be and and I would say should be in my opinion on you and why you're there you know and
• 4:44
  why you're going to the event and to enjoy it and to have fun I'm just using the example that
• 4:49
  you're giving for a different example it'll be something else but you know the focus is back
• 4:53
  to you and what's actually important and also what's important to you, you know, and why
• 5:01
  you're choosing to go to the event. In the occasion that you do, you know, interface
• 5:10
  with this person, then there might be a conversation, but probably not
• 5:20
  required to have any kind of lengthy conversation, you know, or get into any kind of exchange of
• 5:27
  trying to resolve the situation because perhaps it's not time and place. And it can be actually,
• 5:34
  you know, like someone wants to develop, other person wants to have the conversation. It's like,
• 5:39
  you set up a right time to do that and to go back to what you're doing there, like why you're there.
• 5:47
  so it sounds like I'm suggesting I don't know if it sounds like this but me if it sounds like I'm
• 5:51
  suggesting to just ignore the situation and just continue on I'm not saying I mean it sounds I'm
• 5:58
  kind of saying that but actually I'm not saying that what I'm saying is we're suffering because
• 6:02
  we're putting the focus in the problem you know and most of the time you know if the situation
• 6:10
  is, you know, our 100% of our attention can go in any, you know, direction. The actual problem
• 6:16
  that's there is normally like a tiny percentage. Like in this instance, you know, you're going to
• 6:21
  this event, probably got other people there, friends there, there's a whole range of experiences
• 6:25
  you can have. And a tiny percentage of your focus could go on this thing called the problem.
• 6:30
  But actually, when we focus on one thing, that one thing becomes the whole focus,
• 6:36
  our whole experience.
• 6:38
  You know, so I guess what I'm saying is like zoom out,
• 6:41
  look at the bigger picture,
• 6:42
  but also work out what is important.
• 6:45
  And the thing that's important perhaps is that,
• 6:48
  you know, the reason you're going there,
• 6:50
  in this case, is an event.
• 6:52
  So, you know, I'm guessing you're there to have fun,
• 6:54
  you know, to relax, to enjoy yourself.
• 6:57
  So that's the most important thing.
• 6:59
  That's what you're there for.
• 7:01
  Anything else that is, you know,
• 7:04
  business to be dealt with can be dealt in business hours so to speak a different time
• 7:12
  you know and place or those kinds of conversations to be had i think also you know you don't have to
• 7:20
  fake politeness if you don't need to be polite i'm not saying be rude but
• 7:24
  you know sometimes like we go overboard trying to be like overly polite with things so and actually
• 7:30
  Sometimes, places, situations, people, you know, at a certain point, doesn't need that anymore.
• 7:37
  It just needs a very simple, clear communication or response or non-response.
• 7:47
  And again, put the energy into what you are choosing consciously, put your focus and energy into.
• 7:56
  which in this case is you know the event so i think it's a practice of say differently it's
• 8:03
  like a practice of pratyahara which is you know right focus of the minds and you know the analogy
• 8:11
  in the yoga sutras is the mind is the focus of the mind is like the queen bee you know and where
• 8:16
  the queen bee goes the colony follows so where the mind goes the senses follow you know our emotions
• 8:22
  and our senses follow.
• 8:25
  So it's choosing to direct the mind consciously
• 8:29
  and focus the mind consciously
• 8:31
  and not give the things that don't need the focus,
• 8:35
  you know, to not give it the focus,
• 8:37
  to not give it any,
• 8:39
  to not feed it any life force,
• 8:41
  to not feed it any focus, attention.