Latest / Living Midlife In Color / TOO INDEPENDENT TO BE LOVED?
Transcript
- Shar'da: Welcome to Living Midlife in Color. Women Don't Fade Into the Background and the Coat never switches. I am your host, Sarday. And y'all see my shirt. For those of you who just listening, I am wearing my Living Midlife in Color t-shirt, which I am just so proud of. But anyway, let's go ahead and get to it because this might be one that's a bit longer than usual. I want to talk about something, y'all. I want to talk about something that I think a lot of us single and Independent woman can probably relate to. I want to talk about when in the heck that being an independent woman becomes such a bad thing. Because somewhere along the way, being independent went from being something people celebrated to something that, especially in the dating world, sounds like a red flag warning. She's too independent, she's too strong. I've heard things like she's too successful, she doesn't want a man, or the worst, she doesn't need a man. Sometimes I wonder what in the heck are we supposed to do with that? Because I can tell you right now, I'm 40, I'm single, I support myself financially, and yes, I absolutely love, I would love to be in a healthy, loving relationship. Ladies, can you relate? Please talk to me. Because these things are not mutually exclusive. I could be proud of the life that I built and still want somebody to share it with. So today we're gonna talk about independence, femininity, the strong black woman stereotype, the emotional weight that. That comes with doing everything by your freaking self, and I believe that partnership should be about choice, not necessity. We also gonna talk about just a little bit of history because sometimes I think we forget how much our previous generations had to navigate to give us the freedoms that we have today. But first, y'all know I gotta come through with my midlife confession. And my midlife confession is I am sick and tired of doing everything by myself and being so freaking independent. Now, wait a minute, before y'all misunderstand me, I'm not tired of being capable. I'm not tired of knowing how to support myself, and I'm certainly not asking for super save them to come down super owner hole and save me. No, I am tired of people mistaking my ability to take care of myself for not needing anyone because of course y'all know I know that there is a difference. This actually came up during a conversation with another freaking idiot that I was dating. We were on the phone one day. Y'all gonna trip out. We're on the phone, we were talking, and I mentioned that you know, I like cooking, I like I like cleaning. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the type making holiday meals, but I like organization. I like to have my home look and feel a certain way. Any sound of surprise, and I think his exact words were, well, that's interesting. And I'm like, well, why do you respond like that? What do you mean? And essentially his response was because you're so independent. And I'm like, what does that have to do with another? Because in his mind, it seemed like the fact that I was financially independent, educated, and capable of handling my own responsibility somehow meant that I couldn't enjoy the domesticated things too. It almost felt like being independent had become another way of describing me as being masculine. And of course, I didn't like that because We're not paying our bills to make a statement against men. We're paying our bills because they're freaking due. I like having lights and Wi-Fi. Every dollar required to support our household comes out of our bank. And if we don't do it, who the house else is gonna do it? That's not masculinity. That's called being an adult. And that conversation really made me think about how we view independent women, especially when it comes to relationships, y'all. Now, independence and femininity are not opposites. There's research suggesting that traditional gender expectations still influence how people perceive men and women in relationships today. For example, we've examined how people react when women who have higher social statuses than their partners, and in some studies, women in those relationships were perceived as more dominant by the men. looked at as weak. And I thought that was very interesting because it shows that even though society has changed in so many ways, we've evolved in so many ways but our expectations about relationships have not caught up yet. That doesn't mean that every man is intimidated by a successful woman. Absolutely not. I'm not making that argument, so don't come for me. But I do think that when we describe a woman as strong, ambitious, financially dependent, and self-sufficient, we sometimes attach a personality trait to her that has nothing to do with those characteristics. Being independent does not mean we're aggressive. It does not mean that we are argumentative. It does not mean that we are incapable of compromise, and it definitely does not mean that we are incapable of being soft. affectionate, nurturing, or vulnerable. Independence tells you what we are capable of doing. It does not tell you how we want to be loved. And I think that is an important distinction. This conversation also makes me think about a really good friend of mine. I'm gonna leave her name out of the story because it's her story. But when I met her, she was a strong single mother raising a child who was going through a very difficult time, medical and behavior-wise. And doctors were trying to figure things out. They were trying throwing different kinds of medications at him. And eventually he ended up being hospitalized because of the medications he was taking. Meanwhile, his mother was just trying to hold everything together on her own. Like I said, she was a single mother, she was missing work. And because of that, our supervisors were giving her a hard time about it. Her employment became a concern. She was so stressed out, y'all, over her job over her child that she was losing weight. She was showing up exhausted all the time. Just the life was just drained out of her face. And the other parent was just doing his thing without a care in the world. And I remember talking. Talking to her and saying something that I think a lot of us say when we don't have anything else better to say, which was Girl, just continue to be strong. Give her the old pat on the back. You're so strong. You weren't the strongest woman that I know. And just looking back, I don't think that was nearly as comforting as I intended it to be. It was just silly and dismissive, to be honest, because it's not because she was not strong. She absolutely was. But she wasn't waking up every day, every morning, thinking, let me just wake up and show everyone how strong I can be today. Y'all, she was a mother. Her child needed her. Someone had to communicate with the doctors. Someone had to show up at the hospital. The school kept calling her. Someone had to deal with those people at school. At the same time, she had to figure out the situation that was going on at work, trying to keep her job. She had to make sure she continued to have someone, her or her son had somewhere to live. She did what she had to do. Eventually, his health got better. She moved out. Of state, and things are going much better for her, and the rest of us stood on the outside while she's going through all that turmoil and saying, look how strong she is, though. And yes, she's strong, please. But Some of that what we're calling strength was responsibility. It was necessity. Y'all, she was in survival mode. So sometimes you're strong is just a pretty way of saying, I you'll figure it out. You got this. Well, we don't have anything else better to say. And that just makes me wonder how often we celebrate women for carrying things they should never have to be expected to carry along in the first place. That let's go ahead and talk about this strong buckwood thing, okay? There's actually research around this. Research described this as strong black woman schema and sometimes referred to as a superwoman schema. It reflects cultural expectations that black women should be resilient, self-reliant, emotionally controlled, and responsible for taking care of everybody else, often by placing our own needs last. Now, I want to be careful here because strength is not inherently a bad thing. There is so much value in resilience, ladies. Don't get me wrong, there is value in knowing how to overcome adversity. I'm proud of that, but research has spout associations. Between certain aspects of these expectations, including emotional suppression, self-silencing, and feeling obligated to appear strong and poor mental health outcomes. Studies connect these pressures with depressive symptoms and less willingness to seek support. And that matters to me because when society constantly tells a man or a woman, whomever, that they're strong, there's a possibility that they eventually begin believing that they're not allowed to be anything else. That you can't have a bad day, you can't ask for help even when you're overwhelmed because everyone else thinks you're just gonna figure it out. But what happens when that strong person gets tired, when that strong woman gets tired? Who's checking for her? Who's asking whether she needs help? Who's giving her permission to put something down and to focus on self, self-love, self-care? And that's where independence can become both a blessing and a burden, the gift and the curse, baby, because sometimes you're not choosing to carry everything. Hell, sometimes everything. Everything just simply belongs to you. I can relate to that experience in my own life. Now, I don't have children. Y'all know this. I talk about this all the time. So I'm not going to pretend my responsibilities are identical to those of a single mother. Shout out to you if you're a single mother, by the way, because they're not. But I do understand what it's like to be the person responsible for every category of your own life. Y'all, we have family reunions almost every single year. And when my family travels, I'm accustomed to paying for my own hotel room. I'm driving myself. It's even some members of my family making decisions. For myself. Now, my mom and my sister, they have husbands, so their responsibility is shared for them. But my life, my life don't work out like that right now. Maybe now I'm not saying I can't handle it because I can. I've been handling it, but there's a difference between saying I can carry this, and then also saying, I want to carry every category of my life by myself forever. Those are two completely different statements. And honestly, to be honest, to be real, money isn't even the biggest piece for me right now. Sometimes I think that the emotional part is way heavier than the financial part. For instance, my work can be emotionally demanding. I spend a lot of my day going into people's homes and meeting people where they are. Sometimes that means seeing very different living situations, complicated medical conditions, family problems. poverty and people who have been underserved for years. Seeing those kids raised us into some of those environments can be heartbreaking. And if you're a person who generally cares about other people, some of that stuff follows you home. There are days where it'd be nice to walk through the door and have someone who knows me well enough to look at my face and recognize that I've had a bad day. Someone I can talk to someone who can just sit there and listen. Someone who can just sit there just beside me, not to solve the problem, not to rescue me, but just share some of that emotional weight. Cause when we vent to people, we're not always asking for advice. We just want somebody to just listen. And there's another interesting concept that fits well here. And it's called the mental load. Mental load is that invisible work involved in managing your household and just really your everyday like. Day-to-day life. It's the things that we don't think about that we do automatically, like the planning. it's the remembering every little thing, it's the remembering and the scheduling. It's the planning, the remembering, the scheduling, and the anticipating, it's the organizing of all the things, the emotional work of making sure everything continues to run smoothly and effortlessly for yourself, your kids, whomever. Research involving. Heterosexual couples have examined how sharing this mental low relates to relationships and sexual satisfaction and finally suggests that women report greater satisfaction when their partners share some of that invisible responsibility, especially the emotional aspects of that mental low. And I think that's important because someone can take the trash out and still leave you responsible for a member that it needs to be taken out. You could divide all the household chores and you still have to be the person that carries on like a project manager. Now, a lot of this research focuses on women who are already in relationships. And here I am thinking about what happens when there isn't another adult assigned to help with any of this. There isn't automatically another person to help me make financial decisions. So that's okay for right now. Another person to manage unexpected problems. That person doesn't exist. There isn't another person to help me drive when I'm tired. There isn't another person to step in when life gets complicated. I'm the planner. I'm the decision maker. It's because I have to be, not because I'm too independent to want those things. Y'all need to come correct with this in the miss little misindependence stuff. And that definitely doesn't mean that I would not appreciate someone to share their responsibility with. I'm I'm thinking you agree. And that brings me to the most important distinction in this entire conversation. And that is, independence does not mean that we are unavailable for partnership. Now, I don't want a relationship where someone believes I need them in order to function. I we have already proven that we can function, but what would be nice will be to experience what happens with two capable adults choose to share a life together. There's actually a word for that, y'all, that's called interdependence. And I think we need to have more conversations about that. I used to think interdependence was a negative thing, but interdependence is not helplessness. It isn't complete self-sufficiency either. Now I know that you can stand on your own. It's knowing that you can stand on your own while being comfortable relying on another person and allowing that person to rely on you too. It's mutual support, mutual responsibility, interdependence is mutual respect. And to me, that sounds a lot more appealing than spending the rest of my life proving that I don't need anybody because I'm too independent. I don't need someone to take over my life, but it sure would be nice to have someone to occasionally look at something and I'm carrying and say, I got this one. You don't have to. And I would like to do the same for my partner because that is what partnership means to me. Not one person carrying everything. Two people choosing to show up for each other. there's something else I wanted to talk about too. And I think this deserves some historical perspective. I dare tell you I was gonna get a little bit into history. Sometimes I hear people talk about marriages back in the day, you know. Our grandparents stayed together for forty and fifty and sometimes sixty years and we didn't have these issues back in the day. Back in the day, divorce was less common. And you know what? that's beautiful. That's very beautiful. There is something to be said for commitment, loyalty, and building a life with someone over decades. I admire that. But I also think we have to be careful about romanticizing the past without acknowledging what life was like for a woman back in the day. Because marriage in the 50s and 60s existed in a very different social and economic environment. And black women in particular face barriers related to both race and gender. Now I want to make something else clear here. Black women, women in general really have a long history of working outside of the home. So the idea that women back in the day weren't simply allowed to work doesn't accurate reflect the experiences of all women. Many black women work because their families depended on their income. but working and having genuine economic freedom are not necessarily the same thing. Let's dig into that. Women face discrimination in obtaining credit, qualifying for mortgages, and building financial independence. In fact, the Equal Credit Opportunity Act of 74 made it illegal for creditors to discriminate on the basis of sex and marital status. Now let's think about that. That wasn't centuries ago, that was just 1974. And when I think about this history, I sometimes wonder about those marriages that lasted decades. How many of those women stayed because they were genuinely happy? And how many stayed because they didn't have the financial resources or social support to leave? Now, wait a minute. I'm not suggesting that those marriages were all unhappy. Absolutely not. My grandparents stayed married until one died. They were in loving relationships. They had devoted husbands, and they were couples who generally wanted to spend their lives together. But we also have to acknowledge that for some women, leaving a marriage could mean financial instability. Housing insecurity and a uncertain future for her children. And I wonder how much of those circumstances influence their decisions to stay because there's a difference between staying with someone because you generally want to be there and staying because you felt like you don't have another option. And this is where my perspective of independence changes. Like I mentioned, here, I'm here. I'm 40, I'm single, I'm educated, I'm financially independent. I'm building my career and my businesses, and I love to travel. I can make decisions about where I want to live without consulting or thinking about anyone else when I'm making those decisions. And I can decide what I want the next chapter of my life to look at. But sometimes society makes a woman like myself feel as though we failed because we're not freaking married. But when I think about generations of women who came before me, I don't see my independence as a failure. I see it as a bit of a freedom that previous generations helped make possible. I don't want to take that for granted because today I have more opportunities to decide what kind of relationship I want. Yeah, I'm independent but I still choose marriage. I'm independent but yeah, I still want a good partnership. Yeah, I'm independent and if I'm in a relationship that's unhealthy or destructive, I have A greater ability to make a decision about my own future. That does not mean relationships are disposable. It doesn't mean commitment does not matter because it most certainly does. And it doesn't mean that I'm unwilling to compromise or that I'm too independent to compromise. It means I have more freedom to make decisions based on my own well-being rather than solely on financial survival. I don't want to be in a relationship because I can't afford to be alone. I want a relationship because I have found someone worth sharing my life with. And I think that. That's a beautiful thing. For me, progress isn't about women no longer wanting marriage. It's about having the freedom to choose marriage for the right reasons. And this brings me to something else. I've also been thinking, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Is when you when you've been independent for such a long time, you become accustomed to your own life. You know how you like things, you know how you want your home, you know what makes you comfortable, you know how you like to spend your money. You make your own decisions. Now there's a certain amount of peace. That comes with that, ladies, and research looking at dating among women later in life have identified this tension between wanting companionship and wanting to preserve that independence and peace. And I can under I can understand that because eventually partnership isn't simply competing with loneliness. Sometimes partnership is competing with peace. And that is a much higher bar. But I don't want to make, I wanna make something very clear here. Just because I've learned how to enjoy my own company doesn't mean I'm too independent that I've given up on the idea of sharing my life with someone because I still believe in love, marriage, and all the all the things. There is something beautiful about spending and building a life with another person. Having someone to come home to is beautiful. Someone to travel with would be plush. Someone to laugh with would be awesome. Someone who knows you well enough to recognize where you're not having a good diet. I want those things. And sometimes I think people confuse being comfortable alone with wanting to remain alone. Not the same thing, not the same thing at all. I can enjoy a single season without wanting it to be my final season. but I also know what it looks like for me to build the life that I have today. I don't want to lose myself trying to create a life with somebody else. We don't want to sacrifice peace for companionship. And I don't think I should have to. I want a healthy relationship, a relationship where can where we communicate because we're both emotionally available. Where we respect each other's individuality, where we can rely on each other without feeling controlled by one another. I'm not pretending that relationships don't require work because of course they do. I would be an idiot to say something so silly. Two people coming together with different backgrounds, different habits, different experiences, and different expectations will have disagreements. That's part of being human. I'm not looking for someone who agrees with everything that I say. I'm not expecting a relationship without conflict, but they're A difference between working through the normal challenges of a relationship and repeatedly sacrificing your emotional well-being just to keep one. I don't want my independence to become a wall that keeps love out. I want it to be a foundation that allows me to participate in a healthier relationship because I don't want to spend the rest of my life proving that I can do everything by myself. Independent women actually love to experience what life feels like when they don't have to do everything on your own. There's another term that I think is getting thrown around a bit, especially on social media, it's hyper-independence. I understand why people connect with this term. Sometimes people become so accustomed to handling everything themselves that Asking for help becomes uncomfortable. Receiving support just feels so unfamiliar, and depending on another person feels a bit risky. But sometimes those responses develop after experiences where depending on someone wasn't safe or reliable. But I think we need to be careful about labeling every self-sufficient woman as hyper independent because sometimes a woman handles everything because everything actually belongs to her. If she's single, If she supports herself, if she's managing her own household, of course she's independent. Y'all, let's make this make sense. The more important question, at least to me, is whether our independence becomes so rigid that we stop allowing people to show up for us. And that's something I think about personally. I don't want to become so comfortable being alone that I stop making room for somebody else. But I also don't want to become so afraid of being alone that I make room for someone who doesn't actually belong in my life. There has to be some sort of balance, some sort of give and take with that one. And I think as I get older, the more I understand that healthy independence isn't about proving you don't need people. It's about knowing who you are and being willing to build meaningful connections with. Abandoning yourself. all right. Let's go ahead and transition it to X Shar the NP. Where's my phone? And this is the part where I take your questions and give you my perspective. Now, if you have a question, leave it in the comments or send me a message, and I might be reading your question next. And the question Sard A, how do you know? The difference between a midlife crisis and actually outgrowing something. And I love this question because it connects to something I've talked about in my episode with the title, What It Means to Live Midlife in Color. So if you haven't watched the episode yet, go back and check it out because I talked about identity, purpose, and why reaching midlife can make us re-evaluate things we've accepted for years. But here's my short answer: I don't believe every major change someone makes him in life means you're having a crisis. Sometimes you simply gain more information about yourself. You've had more experiences. Your priorities have changed. You're gonna continue to change. And something that fit the person that you were 10 or 15 years ago may not fit who you are today. And I think it's Personally, I believe that's okay. Where I think we have to be careful is when the urgency to make a change becomes so overwhelming that we start making major decisions impulsively without considering the consequences. Now that now there's a difference in saying this no longer fits who I am, and saying I need to blow up my entire life by Friday. Sometimes outgrowing something happens gradually. You've been thinking about it for a while. You can identify what has changed. You can explain why it no longer aligns with your values or the person that you are becoming. And you're able to consider what happens next rather than simply trying to escape whatever feels uncomfortable right now. But sometimes you generally don't know whether you're outgrowing something or simply going through a difficult period. And I and that's okay. Not every realization requires an immediate decision. Sometimes awareness has to come first. Then you give yourself time to process it. And that's really one of the reasons I wanted to create Live in Midlife in Color because midlife isn't about a physical change. It's also about identity, right? It's about identity, it's about purpose, it's about relationships and becoming more intentional. About what you want the next chapter of your life to look like. So if you haven't watched What It Means to Live Mid Life in Color, make sure you check that episode out because I go, like I said, into detail about that. So find a reflection. I can stand alone and still want someone beside me. You know, the more I think about the original conversation with that idiot I was talking to. The more I realized why it bothered me. It wasn't the word independent. I am independent. And I'm proud of being independent. What bothered me was the assumption that my independence somehow erased other parts of who I am. That because I'm capable, I can't be a softer woman. That because I pay my bills, I can't enjoy taking care of a home. That because I've learned to carry myself, I can't want someone standing beside me to help with the low. And those things can absolutely exist together. You could be strong and you could be vulnerable. You could be independent and yes, you can be nurturing. You could be financially secure and still appreciate a man who wants to provide and protect and contribute to your relationship. You can enjoy being single and still desire marriage. None of those things contradict each other. And I think we have to stop confusing what woman can carry with what women should be expected to carry forever. Strength is indeed wonderful. Independence is indeed wonderful. So is interdependence. Neither should disqualify a woman from receiving love, care, and emotional support. And I think that's what I want people to take away for this conversation. Being independent doesn't mean I don't want or need love, it means I want the freedom to choose a love that's good. But for me, I'm not interested in partnership because I'm incapable of standing alone. I'm interested in partnership because sometimes life is better when someone is there with you. And if it happens for me and if it happens to you, don't feel as though you've lost your independence. You should feel as if you gained a partner whom you can depend on, whom they can depend on you. Two people who are capable of standing alone but choosing to stand together because ultimately we We don't want to be loved because someone thinks we need rescuing. We want to be loved because someone knows exactly who we are and chooses us anyway. And I want to choose that person back. If this conversation resonated with you, make sure you like this episode, subscribe, or follow Living Midlife and Color podcast, and leave me a comment because I will actually love to hear about you on this conversation. Do you think being an independent woman makes dating more complicated? And if you are in a relationship, how do you balance independence with partnership? Let's have that full conversation. And please don't forget: if you have a question for Axida MP, leave it in the comments, send me a message. It could be medical. It could be personal. It could be something that's happening in the world. Or somebody something you just want my perspective on. Your question might be the one that I answer next. Don't forget to apply to join the Midlife Method community where you'll connect with like-minded women, have real conversations with me, other women navigating midlife, and gain access to our health spam vault. Deal with educational resources to help you take charge of your health. We meet every single Sunday at 6 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. Rain, shine, sleep, or snow. You can find the link to apply to the community in the description. Until next time. This is Living Midlife in Color with women don't fade into the background and the code never switches. Same woman, new chapter. I will see you next week.