Latest / Libido Lounge / Authenticity in Love: 4 Pillars of a Conscious Relationship with Christina Weber

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Authenticity in Love: 4 Pillars of a Conscious Relationship with Christina Weber · Libido Lounge

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  Welcome to the libido lounge where we focus on all things love, lust, and libido.
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  We believe that fabulous sex is important to health as exercise and good food.
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  Hey, everybody.
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  Welcome back to another episode on the lounge.
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  I am your host, libido expert, doctor Diane Mueller.
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  And I'm really thrilled to introduce you today to my new friend, Christina Weber, who is a
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  relationship and intimacy expert.
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  She has been in this field for so many years researching and studying matchmaking, love,
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  authenticity, conscious relationships, and more.
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  She has an amazing program called We Deepen, which we'll talk about a little bit, an amazing
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  love club we'll talk about a little bit.
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  And we're gonna jump in today to talk about what is a conscious relationship, how do we
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  have them, really what is truly the highest definition of love, and a whole lot more.
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  So welcome to the show, Christina.
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  So excited to have you today.
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  Thank you.
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  It's so good to have you.
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  You did my show.
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  Now I get to do your show.
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  Exactly.
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  Trade.
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  So today, we're talking let's start, like, right jumping right in, starting about talking
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  about these these four pillars of conscious relationship that you talk about.
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  And I think this is super pivotal.
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  Right?
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  Because when we're interest in entering a relationship or whether we've been in a long
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  term relationship for a long time, so many times we just kind of start in it, and we're
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  not even thinking about what we're wanting or what makes it making it what makes it good and
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  all these different things.
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  So can you break this down?
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  Like, what is truly a conscious relationship?
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  What does that mean to you?
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  And then what are the makeups of that?
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  So there's a woman, Shelly Ballard, and she scripted these four pillars of a conscious
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  relationship.
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  I read them maybe, like, seven, eight years ago and have lived by them ever since.
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  Even, you know, I talk about them from romantic relationships, but even in my friendships, my
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  work relationships, they're pillars.
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  And so these these four pillars are, number one, no attachment to outcome.
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  Growth comes first.
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  So that doesn't mean that you don't have fantasies or dreams or wishes of what this
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  relationship could become, what we could do together.
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  Maybe the kids will have, the the marriage that one day we'll invite our friends to.
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  But it means that you are more committed to growth than any specific outcome.
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  And oftentimes, when we get into relationships, we can start to tweak ourselves, to mold
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  ourself in the person that we believe the other person thinks that we should be.
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  And that starts to cut off life force energy, from the evolution of the connection, from the
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  evolution of our connection to ourself.
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  And so if you're if you're practicing this, no attachment to outcome growth comes first.
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  It means that you're willing to have to hard conversations.
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  They are willing to accept if this is not isn't the right person to be with anymore in this
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  moment.
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  And I often ask when when couples will come to me and and say, should we stay together or
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  should we separate?
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  It's like, where's your growth?
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  Is your growth to be together and to stay together into this relationship, or is your
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  growth to actually go back out into the world and to make new connections?
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  And, you know, the answer may be different and it might change, and so you're you're
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  committing to that.
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  Number two, all feelings are welcome and no internal process is condemned.
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  So when we're pair bonding with another individual on whatever level, it's expected
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  that you're gonna feel things.
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  You're gonna feel these emotions.
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  You're gonna feel triggered.
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  You're gonna feel upset.
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  You're gonna feel sadness.
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  And it's saying that these feelings, like you within your partner, it's that these feelings
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  are welcome.
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  Bring them.
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  Tell me about your emotional journey.
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  And that's where the vulnerability Brene Brown talks about vulnerability.
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  I remember when I first heard about vulnerability, and I was like, okay.
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  So I go on a date, and I tell him about my childhood traumas.
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  Sure.
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  That could be a piece of it, but it's more in that real time, in the moment of what is
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  happening in your emotional experience.
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  And sometimes, you might not even know.
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  You might not even know.
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  I had a I had a personal experience with my partner, the other night where I just we were
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  talking about something, and all of a sudden, the triggers the the conversation triggered
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  something inside of me, and I started to cry.
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  And and it was really hard to explain.
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  I I I couldn't verbalize in that moment what was happening to me, but I also wasn't running
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  away from the tears in the past.
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  I could've been, you know, oh, I'm fine.
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  I'm fine.
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  I'm fine.
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  I'm fine.
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  I'm fine.
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  So all feelings are welcome.
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  No internal process is condemned.
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  That's even two of, like, you being with somebody and you and you're starting to see
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  that their emotional response is happening that you welcome that into the space.
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  Now brings it to number three, which is really important.
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  Both parties agree to own their own shit.
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  So you can have these feelings, but you're not gonna blame the other person for your feelings.
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  Our you know, relating is a free will experience.
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  I've chosen to be here in this moment with you.
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  So if we're if my feelings are rising, I'm not gonna go to you and be like, you did this and
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  you did that and it's caused this and it's all your fault and and yada yada yada.
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  And then we're getting into this, like, defensive criticism blame game.
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  It's more of explaining these feelings that we're having, but not blaming the other person
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  for having those feelings.
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  Both parties, again, are gonna own their own shit.
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  And number four is that the relationship is a place to practice love.
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  You know, love is, I'd love to go into, you know, the you know, we we didn't we didn't grow
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  up where there's, one definition of love that we've all agreed to.
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  And, and love is a verb.
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  It's an it's an action oriented experience.
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  We're choosing to show up in love.
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  I like to think of love as this process of removing layers of the ego.
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  These things that are holding you back from being the highest version of yourself coupled
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  with ever increasing acts of sharing.
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  We give to who we love.
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  And so practicing that in relationship with another human being, whether they are your one,
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  if you believe in there's a one, or whether that they're your friend, your sister, your
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  mother, that you're practicing love and you're constantly asking yourself moment by moment,
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  especially when the challenging moments arise, what would love do here?
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  What what would love do in each moment?
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  So first of all, thank you for that foundation, and and we're gonna go into, I think, more
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  around that definition of love in a moment.
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  But I've been kinda taking notes as you're going just to clarify each point you brought up
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  here.
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  So we're talking about this right as the corner the foundations, the cornerstones of a
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  conscious relationship.
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  So when we're talking about this attachment to outcome, right, you're the first cornerstone
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  here, I'm curious, like, what do you feel about if we're saying, okay.
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  Not having attachments to the outcome is the cornerstone.
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  Where the conscious relationship to other attachments come in?
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  K.
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  Or, like, where do you feel about, like, other attachments?
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  Is it are there places for other attachments?
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  Are there not?
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  Can you speak to that
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  a little bit?
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  Well, it you know, we actually it's so interesting because there's a duality to it.
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  We actually need to attach to each other to to to survive and to thrive.
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  And sometimes that the attachment is actually stronger than the love.
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  Like, we confuse attachment for love because it feels as though if I lose this person, I will
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  die.
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  Like, I would die if we come into life through another human being, and we feel that
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  attachment to this other, you know, this other human is keeping us alive.
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  So the the the attachment is is that having no attachments is a spiritual practice that is in
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  all aspects of our life that we're applying and playing in.
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  I found it really interesting.
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  There's a, a Peruvian tribe.
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  There's a documentary.
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  I'm blanking on the name of the documentary on the moment.
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  But in the documentary, this woman, she goes and she does, you know, the the journey to
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  discover herself, and she's interviewing, tribesmen in in Peru.
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  And he tells her that in this specific tribe that when the girls start to be 13, when they
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  start to have their periods that they began in that moment teaching them on attachment.
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  They tell the women that when you are falling in love with a man to be very delicate, to be
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  very gentle with your heart, And they teach her that because that man is not gonna grow from
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  your shoulder is what they say.
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  He will either die or he will leave you for another woman.
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  Now that's a start thing
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  to hear.
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  Yeah.
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  It's intense.
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  Like, he's 13 years old.
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  Right?
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  Yeah.
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  The man you love is either gonna die or go off to be with another woman, but they're starting
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  to entrain her with this, you know, this practice of being unattached to the outcome.
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  So we can have dreams.
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  We can have desires.
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  We can have fantasies, but then throwing them to the universe and letting them, you know,
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  create and I I see it, you know, in dating.
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  My my work is in in the love love and dating, and and it's been a very personal journey for
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  me.
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  I got into this field about a decade ago because I wanted a epic relationship and a love
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  story.
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  And I thought, well, I'm gonna share that experience with others.
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  I'm gonna help other people find it as I find it along the way.
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  And I what I see often, this is my I've I've We Deep and I run a love club.
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  We have 22 people at the time of this recording in our first cohort of the love club.
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  And what gets brought up is, you know, women in that late thirties, early forties where they
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  have this I wanna be a mother.
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  Like, I want to experience motherhood.
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  And that attachment to being a mother is biologically inside of us.
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  And so and when you're out dating, I, you know, I could feel this.
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  I'm I'm about to turn 43.
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  I could feel this in my early forties, and I actually went and sat with a hypnotist at one
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  point.
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  And I'm like, hypnotize this out of me.
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  I do not want to be dating and putting that in the forefront.
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  And I yeah.
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  It's something that you have to transmute because any relationship when you come into a
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  relationship and you have this, like, I wanna get married.
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  I wanna, you know, I I want to to to be a mother.
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  I want to have these experiences.
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  Like, you can cut yourself off from the the the the organic development of what happens between
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  two individuals.
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  Now you don't suppress your desires.
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  You do not let them know, but you're not driven by them.
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  You're driven by the connection.
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  So that's one typical attachment.
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  You know?
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  I I see also the other half of life of people over, I work with people in their love journey.
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  You call it their intimacy journey over, you know, 55, 60, 70.
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  And I can sense that they're they're like, I haven't had this one epic life partnership, and
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  I don't I I want to experience this before I die.
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  And so there's this other level of desire.
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  Now you can show up again for the desire, but having the attachment of then because then what
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  happens is you're dating, you meet somebody and you're like, oh my god.
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  It's finally it's them.
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  And then really assessing what's possible between the the two, and then you end up in a
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  relationship.
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  They're like, fuck.
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  How did I get here years later?
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  Yeah.
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  You're actually making me think.
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  I'm reading this book right now, Journey of the Souls by Michael Newton.
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  I don't know if you've come across this book.
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  I love this book.
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  And one of the points that he's making in this book as he talks about things he's talking at
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  this in the chapter I'm in right now on, like, soulmates.
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  Right?
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  So one of the things he's talking about is, like, we can we so many times as humans come
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  into this world, and we have these natural, almost inclinations for something like that
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  because of society or because of our programming or all these different things.
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  And perhaps from a growth standpoint, to bring it back to a word you've used a few times,
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  maybe we're here, you know, some people on this earth not to have that, you know, that soulmate
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  life, you know, life partner that's like the person, their person, it might not be part of
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  their growth trajectory.
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  And, like and so what does that mean, and how can we still live happy and fulfilling lives
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  and still be engaged intimately in dating, you know, in those those scenarios.
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  So I'm thinking a lot about that.
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  And and I wanna circle back also to this this your statement number two about all feelings
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  are welcome.
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  Because one of the things that I I was thinking about when you were talking about that was,
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  well, what about the the concept of, like, validating other people's feelings?
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  So all feelings are welcome.
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  We're responsible for our own feelings.
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  We're not gonna project our stuff on the other person.
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  But where do you do you feel like the the concept of validation of the another person's
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  feelings and emotions, does that play into this conscious relationship theory at all, or is
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  that not really part of it?
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  Validating is is an important experience for sure for people to have.
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  Now I think that when you're with another being, I use all types of typologies.
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  Typologies including human design, gene keys, about the, the erotic blueprints to, I've been
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  really geeking out lately on the genetic energetics by the four answers.
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  So I I use these systems when I'm personally relating or even within the love club as
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  they're discovering themselves and discovering compatibility, with people that they're dating.
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  And I think that when you start to go through that process, you can start to it's a it's a
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  it's a way to support two people teaching each other how they want to be treated.
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  And that's real like, how like, when you step into a relationship, whether you directly ask
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  the question, which I'm all for, directly ask them question, but teach me or or direct invite
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  the other person to teach you how to love them.
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  You know, there's so many ways that human beings can feel love.
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  It's number one is mainly through attention, oftentimes, you know, giving them presence and
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  attention.
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  But then the experience of love, you know, we live in an era right now.
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  Kink is expanding and growing, and so there is a whole BDSM, culture out there.
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  And for somebody who's really into the practice of BDSM, they may feel the greatest amount of
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  love when you punish them or when you discipline them.
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  So that might not be they might not want to feel validated.
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  It's kinda contradictory.
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  That's why, you know, it's like, yes, we all like to feel validated in our own experience,
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  and then it's like and then and then what else?
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  Yeah.
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  That's so wise.
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  I I really appreciate, like, bringing up the uniqueness of that around.
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  Like, that might be a really great way of expressing love for some people.
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  And, you know, we have so many different ways of expressing love, and it might not be the way
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  for other people.
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  And and so I think that's such an important point.
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  I want I know we're getting getting close to our time today, so I wanna wrap up with my
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  final question and and wondering then in our final question if we can kinda also bring this
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  into the concept of what you do at We Deepen in in your love club.
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  But the question I wanna come back to is the question around that I think everybody really
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  wants to hear is how do you define love?
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  Love is this process of removing layers of the ego.
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  These are the fears, the negativities, the things that are holding you back from being
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  your most authentic self coupled with ever increasing acts of sharing because you give to
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  who you love.
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  And, you know, I wanna stress this authenticity piece, because when we say no attachment to
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  outcome, growth comes first, and so you're not suppressing this this piece of yourself.
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  It's really edgy to be fully authentic.
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  Like, that's really edgy to trust someone enough with what's happening inside of your
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  internal process and not also attach meaning to it in the moment.
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  Because that's the edge.
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  It's like, if this person sees me cry right now, how will they interpret it, and what will
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  they make it mean about me?
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  And also being so authentic.
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  I'll say, you know, the authenticity is is an important piece in this slowing down, actually.
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  I think, you know, we're so starved for connections sometimes that we will do anything
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  to get into that connect that connection down.
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  And I'll leave you with this.
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  In my relationship, we went through an early dating process.
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  And in that early dating process to slow it down so I could be authentic is I didn't have
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  penetrative sex with him for nine months.
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  And during that period of time, because I'm I was still questioning, like, do I wanna be a
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  mother?
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  What's, you know, what's happening?
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  So I would because I was I I let that, left that level of discernment.
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  Like, can I can I say, is this we can talk about sex, obviously?
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  Yes.
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  Yes.
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  Yes.
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  That is what we do here.
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  Okay.
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  Great.
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  I just you know, if you put your cock inside of me right now, I will suck up your sperm and
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  impregnate myself.
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  Yeah.
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  And if like, that is the level of authenticity.
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  That is something scary to say, but because I left this space between for me to feel, like,
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  that's that's also true if your love is this, you know, being authentic moment.
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  So create and then design your environment so you can be that way.
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  Like, if you're in toxic situations where toxic people are, how do you get out of there so you
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  can be more of yourself?
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  And that is love.
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  Love life equals love.
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  It's this whole experience of love, and it's this individual journey that then we get to
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  cocreate with those that we need along the way.
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  It's such a beautiful story because I feel like it just really sums up so many of the things
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  we've talked about today.
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  Love and vulnerability and speaking your feelings, and your feelings are welcome, and
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  the the authenticity, all of that, I think, is really wrapped up so beautifully into that
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  story.
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  So, everybody, you can definitely should definitely check out Christina in her show
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  notes here as far as how to get ahold of her and check out her love club and her work at We
• 20:09
  Deepen.
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  And I know you mentioned you also have a giveaway you're gonna start giving out to
• 20:14
  people.
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  Can you tell us about what that is?
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  Do you know what it is yet?
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  Oh, my giveaway?
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  Oh, you know, well, what we do is my my my giveaway this is gonna sound, if you're
• 20:30
  currently single, go ahead and apply and join the love club because you will get an
• 20:37
  interview, a face to face interview.
• 20:40
  If you go to some matchmaking sites and you, want to have this type of interview,
• 20:44
  oftentimes, you'll pay for that.
• 20:48
  This if you are a growth minded person so I do to to receive the gift, you have to give me the
• 20:52
  gift of being growth minded and open minded.
• 20:56
  And then we sit together for twenty, thirty minutes, and we talk about your love life.
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  And whether or not you join the love club, you will have this focused attention on what you
• 21:08
  are desiring to create in your life and how to enliven your intimacy journey.
• 21:14
  So it's more fulfilling.
• 21:15
  It's more joyful.
• 21:16
  It's more excitement.
• 21:18
  You get to go on this self discovery journey through that process, and we'll have a one on
• 21:23
  one conversation.
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  Amazing.
• 21:25
  Amazing.
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  And you guys can find all of that in the show notes from today.
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  And I also wanna encourage everybody.
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  If you've loved this show, please do give us a review.
• 21:35
  Please share this with your friends.
• 21:37
  Please do download it.
• 21:38
  And one of the things that we're doing with everybody for the our top few people that got
• 21:43
  the most downloads from the interview is we're inviting them back for a longer session later
• 21:49
  in this year.
• 21:50
  So if you love this, please, please, please share this with more people so that we invite
• 21:55
  your favorite people back for more.
• 21:57
  And thank you so much for being here with me today.
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  It was just lovely, and I really look forward to when you and I cross paths again.
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  Ditto.
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  Me too.
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  Thank you so much, Diane.
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  Well, everybody, this concludes another episode for us.
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  This This is doctor Diane signing off here reminding you to always stay classy, always
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  stay sexy, and always be a little badass y.
• 22:20
  See you next time.
• 22:21
  Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
• 22:23
  Please don't keep me a secret.
• 22:24
  Please share this with your friends.
• 22:26
  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibido.com.