Latest / Black Girls Heal / #334: Future Fakers, Secret Emotional Abusers, & Cheaters Do Not Deserve You

Transcript

#334: Future Fakers, Secret Emotional Abusers, & Cheaters Do Not Deserve You · Black Girls Heal

• 0:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: My job is to somehow make them curious enough.
• 0:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'll persuade them by hook or crow to get more aware of themselves and where they came from and what they are into and what is already there.
• 0:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's just to bring it out.
• 0:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is what compels me to compel them and I will do it by whatever means necessary.
• 0:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: We'll talk to the Black Girls Hill podcast where we talk about healer, intimacy disorders, and resolve trauma, and building a healthy relationship with first ourselves, and then others.
• 0:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: Every episode we will talk about advice you can apply today to bring unhealthy patterns and grow in your self-worth.
• 0:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm Shinella Shay, I love addition coach and trauma specialists.
• 0:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let's begin.
• 0:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: Hello, hello.
• 0:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: Welcome to the latest episode of Black Girls Hill.
• 0:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: This episode is going to be audio based if you're on YouTube.
• 1:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can see that I'm not on your screen.
• 1:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: It is because I've had the flu for the last several days and I am just now starting to feel better.
• 1:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: I can sit up and walk around but I'm trying to go slow so I don't push myself and get sick again.
• 1:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I'm allowing myself to record this now instead of waiting another day and then the podcast comes out a day later.
• 1:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: Especially because today's topic I feel like it's really important and timely and I want to talk about it sooner rather than later.
• 1:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: This episode is going to be about Megan the Salayan her recent breakup and some lessons that I hope to take from some of the things that she shared that we're going on in hopes of helping those of us who are currently experiencing it, who have experienced it in the past just in solidarity and also to help those of us who.
• 1:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: might experience in the future to have a little bit of emotional protection from the ways that some men will act as predators towards us to stop it from happening again and to break the cycle.
• 2:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: For those who do not like peer social conversations or feel that people who have empathy and care and concern for celebrities,
• 2:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: are doing too much.
• 2:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: This episode is going to be triggering for you because I have a lot of care and empathy for Megan for what she's going through.
• 2:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: I really admire everything that she has continued to do for herself in spite of people who have harmed her, betrayed her, abused her, traumatized her, and my heart just feels for her and everything that she's going through, and that she continues to go through in the public eye.
• 2:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: Just the fact that most of us are most embarrassing humiliating traumatic moments have been behind closed doors.
• 2:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: Even if people have seen, it has been maybe at most people in the dead, but for it to be in front of millions, inferred to go through some of the biggest tragedies that many of us will not experience.
• 2:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: and to have them happen in clusters, I just, my heart breaks for her and then for it to happen at this scale and with her being so vocal with how much hope and optimism and care she have for this relationship and for it to end in the way that it has.
• 3:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: Again, I'm just heartbroken for her.
• 3:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I'm going to pull from what she shared in her IG stories about what happened in that relationship.
• 3:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: She referenced cheating.
• 3:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: She referenced horrible mood swings.
• 3:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: She referenced a lot of people are calling future faking, which is pretending as if you want a future relationship with someone and doing all the things that they want you to do to keep them on the line when really you have no intention of moving forward.
• 3:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to pull from a lot of this for episode today.
• 3:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: I just want to be very clear that someone who cheats, that is based on their own family.
• 3:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: If someone's unhappy in a relationship and feels like they're going to be tempted to step out in the relationship, they can break up with you, they can leave, they can communicate.
• 4:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: They can do anything other than cheat because if they're grown enough to go and be in another partnership or to do a hookup or to do an affair, they are grown enough to have that conversation with you.
• 4:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: They're choosing to not do that as part of their lack of growth and where they need to change not yours.
• 4:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's it.
• 4:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is some of that they have known as spent time with if they knew that they were certain to get some attraction with.
• 4:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: They can talk to the therapist, they can talk to a friend, they can put down boundaries with this other person, if they can tell that there is something that's going on, especially if they value you and your partnership.
• 4:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if you're a chronic cheater by way of you meet someone and you hook up with them and that's how you cheat just random strangers that's definitely a part of something deeper that you're trying to fulfill or some type of it's your trying to scratch that has nothing to do with the partner that you're with.
• 4:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so this is mostly directed for those of us who've been on the receiving end of cheating.
• 4:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you're attempted to blame yourself at to take responsibility for what your partner or partner subdub before, that's not yours to bear.
• 5:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can toggle down the timeline and figure out what would wrong or what may have changed or where the energy shifted, but if you're trying to look for a sign of where you fucked up and where you became the person that
• 5:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: became at fault for what this other grown adult person did.
• 5:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's where you're crossing the line, and that's not your responsibility to bear.
• 5:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because there were a million other things that that person could have done outside of sleep with another person, lie to you, betray you, keep secrets, continue to build a relationship with some of the thing that they knew that they were feeling in attraction to.
• 5:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's not on you.
• 5:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: Now I'm going to talk about what were the things that I saw that were signs that this relationship may not have been everything that has cracked up to be.
• 5:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: And this is, like I said, I'm going off things that were said publicly.
• 5:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm going to start off with Megan's letter via her
• 6:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: So these days, celebrities will use their stories and definitely their Instagram feeds as their own public notices.
• 6:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: So this being shared on her Instagram story was I noticed to the public in addition to calling him out.
• 6:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: So it's said, Cheney, have me around your whole family play house, got quote, cold feet, holding you down through all your horrible mood swings and treatment towards
• 6:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: during your basketball season.
• 6:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: Now you don't know if you can be quote monogamous, bitch, I need a real break after this one.
• 6:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: Bye y'all.
• 6:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: So from this, I'm going to take some real red flags to kind of dismantle again that this was a night and shining armor gone wrong.
• 6:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: So she says he treated her horribly at basketball season.
• 6:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: with his horrible mood swings.
• 6:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: So they made their relationship public in July, where they started a 10 public events together.
• 7:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's how I'll see you that starts an October.
• 7:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then of course, practice and everything is way before that.
• 7:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: If he was having mood swings,
• 7:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let's just say you started during a basketball season in October.
• 7:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: Four months into the public portion of their relationship.
• 7:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: Any man that has mood swings to where he is treating you horribly.
• 7:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's a incredibly huge red flag.
• 7:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: A man that is not emotionally controlled.
• 7:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: That rage is at you or at themselves.
• 7:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: That makes it to where you feel like this is a complete 180 for what it should be.
• 7:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: To where you start off and things are very
• 7:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: safe and they look very happy to her and now you can't tell what his moon is going to be and where is going to go and how angry he's going to be.
• 7:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: That is one on one basics for trouble bonding.
• 7:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's one on one basics to get you into an emotionally abusive cycle to where you are going to try to do everything you can to get this person to be back to that honey moon's sunshine person they used to be before because you know how good it can be you can't see my air quotes.
• 8:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: But you know how good it can be, so you're going to do everything you can to appease them, to calm them down, to make them happy, to cook them some food, to try to talk them off the ledge, to let them be in a pissy mood for however long it takes for those of us who've been in relationships with people who are very emotionally volatile, you know that they will try to milk use that as a reason to act out for as long as they want it doesn't matter what you do.
• 8:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: Whether or not it's five minutes or five days or five weeks, they have a long list of why they get and have the right to be mean to you, to neglect you, to verbally abuse you, to break the promises that they made to you, to make it so that you have to don't on them and cure for them and become beeless and won't list, because there is so much emotional pain, there is so much turmoil that they can't possibly pay attention to you.
• 9:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if you try to ask them to do that,
• 9:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: Now you're the selfish one, that's what I mean about how a lot of people who are predators will take what is a strength of yours and use it against you because you have empathy you have care you have common sense you're able to see if somebody has the capacity to do something or not so you putting all that together if you see someone is emotionally distraught and not able to function you're not going to try to ask them to have a conversation with you you're not going to try to ask them to get out of bed you're not going to try to ask them to come to dinner.
• 9:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're going to do everything you can to take care of them, and there's going to be no end to that because again, you know how good it can be.
• 9:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: And what many of us don't realize, especially if we're in a relationship with someone who was a chronic abuser, perpetual abuser, someone who may have narcissistic tendencies, with someone who is used to just be very emotionally immature and used to other people.
• 9:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: enabling them and not requiring them to step up and to use their own emotional self-control skills and to be an adult in situations.
• 10:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: They are used to having their way and they find people who will play it to that.
• 10:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so going back to this red flag, identifying it clearly as a red flag, any man who has horrible mood swings as a common occurrence is not your person.
• 10:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: They are not your person.
• 10:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: You are not being chosen to take care of someone who was emotionally volatile because of everything that I just listed.
• 10:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: For the impact that a house of you and your mental health and your safety, it does not require them to take ownership of the accountability for themselves.
• 10:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: You argue with them.
• 10:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: You telling them that they need to take accountability is not them taking accountability.
• 10:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: It is them through their own eye.
• 10:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: See what's happening and not them going and buying a bag for you, not them saying I'm sorry, is I'm doing the emotional work and mental health work to repair it, to make your whole safe, to make you feel safe, to make your partnership a place where y'all are actually partners and not you becoming a caretaker.
• 11:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if they can't do that, if they won't do that, if they don't know how to do that, it is up to you to see it for what it is and not step in to becoming a writer die for that.
• 11:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: Many of us are writer die chicks.
• 11:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's quite of a saying that we would never be a writer die chick.
• 11:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: And because we, maybe think that writer die being someone who is doing illegal activities or someone who is financially irresponsible
• 11:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: But we don't realize that we'll be a writer die-chicks for people who are emotionally unstable.
• 11:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: And we are allowing emotionally unstable people to continue to run ramp shot over our lives in our families, in our mental health, without being checked.
• 11:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: And sometimes the way that we check them is not by stepping in and trying to pressure them to go to therapy to go do all these other things.
• 12:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's my saying, okay, this is how this is affecting me.
• 12:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is what my limit is, you do the work or I'm out.
• 12:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if they don't do the work, then that's foreshadowing all this, telling you that this is how it's going to be.
• 12:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: They don't have to do the work.
• 12:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: All they have to do is let you complain, let you suck, let you cry, let you beg, let you pray, let you set candles for them, let you talk to their mom about it.
• 12:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: They don't have to do any work because you will do everything you can to try to be patient with them through this, because you don't realize that someone that acts this way is not just someone who's going through a hard time.
• 12:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is how they have learned how to walk through the world and how to do relationships.
• 12:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: and so it's up to you to say, I don't deserve this.
• 12:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: I deserve a partner that comes into this relationship either having these skillsets already here or when I talk to them as an adult and I tell my adult partner what it is that I feel that they will do the work to fit.
• 12:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I think that's where the nuanced guest loss is because people will say, well, not everybody is perfect.
• 13:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can't expect someone
• 13:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: and that's not what the ask is.
• 13:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: The ask is if I'm in partnership with you and you see that something that's happening is causing me emotional distress and it's a real thing can't you meet me where I need to be the be safe in your imperfection this thing that's making me feel unsafe I'm not talking about whether or not you two with your mouth open.
• 13:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not talking about with whether or not you like the AC to be on full blast and I like it to be warmer.
• 13:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: These are things that may be annoying or things that you have arguments and bigger about, how one person loads the dishwasher versus how the other one loads it.
• 13:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like these may be things that you actually have arguments about, but it's not a make or break thing.
• 13:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: A emotional safety is a make or break thing.
• 13:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: Whether or not someone has emotional capacity to come and show up for you is a make or break thing.
• 13:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: So if this has been happening since October, that's at least six months that she has been living under turmoil with this person.
• 14:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: Now I'm not a basketball fan.
• 14:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: For what I've heard from other people who are basketball fans and know of this person, he has a reputation.
• 14:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: of being very emotional on court.
• 14:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: And struggling with his emotional regulation on court period.
• 14:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Now, other people who were best among fans, you know more than I do, whether or not that's actually real or not, I'm going to go off what I've been telling and what I've heard.
• 14:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: If that's the case, because I think it's applicable to this and also what I personally believe, I don't believe that emotional
• 14:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: issues pop up out of nowhere, especially if it's a chronic thing, is either that people have been keeping it on the low from you or you saw it and you just thought that there was a one-off.
• 14:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: You just thought it was anomaly.
• 14:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: So if you go to a restaurant and you see someone who you really have fun with and you get a long well.
• 14:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: and they started treating the service people like crap and you ignore it because you're like maybe it's just right now like maybe they just have a bad attitude today because they're not usually like that and you excuse it instead of thinking away and they treat people that they think are less than them in this way there's probably a lot of other places in their life that they treat people this way you don't see it as one of many events and you might even think of yourself as the exception.
• 15:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: So this person that has a history of blowing up, it doesn't know how to control their emotions, and they get very pissy and moody with things on go their way.
• 15:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think okay, that just happens when they're on the field.
• 15:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: That just happens when they're on the court.
• 15:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: That just happens when they're in this scenario.
• 15:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: That would never happen with me.
• 15:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: If they get that way about things that really matter to them, you don't think that they're going to get that heated when it comes to what it looks like to build a life with someone, when it comes to how they work through negotiation and fights with things that they're very emotionally invested in, you don't think that they are not going to get to that level with you.
• 15:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, it's brought that up because I would be very surprised
• 16:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: And there are not signs of his emotional immaturity and his emotional mood swings and smaller things leading up to this that were excuse, speak they were having so much fun together because so many other things seem to be going right.
• 16:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because he say like he was different from the onset at least an temperament and personality from the types of people that she'd dated in the past.
• 16:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: And let me say this, you dating a different archetype if you're not clear on the standards and the ways that you deserve to be love in general, if that's not clear, you're going to find the same type of treatment no matter who the person is, whether or not the person is a thug and athlete, a nerd.
• 16:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: A quiet, homebody, it doesn't matter if they're black, white, or Asian, or if you're queer, if you switch from dating studs to films or vice versa, if you open up to non-binary persons, trans persons, etc.
• 16:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can be disrespected and played by all these different people.
• 17:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then you think, well, just minutes a whole, it's just women as a whole because you're not peeping is not the person is the treatment is that these are where my standards are and these are the things I'm willing to overlook so people start to hand me treatment of this area, I don't pocket because the presentation looks different.
• 17:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, I'll have had clients because they know that I my archetype, my favorite archetype has traditionally been well, there's two archetypes.
• 17:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: I've I've dated mostly updated either the business man is very professional as an altogether or I've dated the nerd and a lot of times there's overlap, but just as far as like the business man is usually like very more serious more put together.
• 17:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: I've dated so many Capricorn men.
• 17:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: did it so many Capricorn men and loved it.
• 17:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: I loved it.
• 17:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then the nerdy archetype, which has his own connotation and stuff.
• 17:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I've had people who have worked with several people, so somebody know who you are.
• 18:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: And they're this so they know that I am pro nerd.
• 18:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so they're like, I've tried to date this person and it just didn't work out or
• 18:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, I'll see some people who date the quote unquote nerd and they end up getting played and then you hear the story and this person was treating them like shit from the beginning.
• 18:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: This person was being the grapple.
• 18:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: They were playing games.
• 18:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: They were being indirect and they were showing size and being unavailable from when they first started talking.
• 18:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: So just because someone looks a certain way on the outside does not mean that they're safe.
• 18:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: Just because they talk in a certain cadence or their family situation looks a certain way or they have a certain amount of money, that might be a step up from what you've done before but that doesn't prove character.
• 18:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that brings me to the next red flag, which is really important, is to pay attention to someone's reputation and what they've done previously in their life and for sure in their relationships.
• 19:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: We know that publicly now, even those of us who were not familiar with clay before he started dating Megan, we all know now that his history is a heistated multiple women in the past and has cheated on multiple women.
• 19:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: And the reason I bring this up is because I have found myself talking to a woman about the people that they're dating and in learning about the history of this person and what their relationships were like before, they'll bring up, oh yeah, he was with this person for me, and there isn't fidelity, but that wasn't his fault.
• 19:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: But it's not what it sounds like because this is what was going on and this is what the relationship looked like and this is what she was
• 19:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: to discount what they've just shared or they're talking about how this person just left a really long-term relationship and they're just getting back with them and that the overlap seems very eerie and weird.
• 20:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: So we'll try to talk about, well, let's talk about the timing of the all this.
• 20:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let's just talk about what it looks like whether net this person is ready, whether not this person is able to give you what you're looking for, are they running from something?
• 20:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: are they running from themselves?
• 20:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: And there's not really a lot of openness to talk about that.
• 20:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it is very important for us to pay attention to all the information, all of the information.
• 20:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: Who this person was before and how they handled their relationships, how they handled their breakups, how they handled
• 20:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: talking about these women in these relationships before?
• 20:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: Absolutely matters.
• 20:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: It absolutely matters because it's going to show how they're going to treat you.
• 20:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: Especially if, like I've already said, multiple times they are not and haven't done their own personal work.
• 20:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: to parse out and to tease out why they acted in a certain way, why this relationship worked out this way, what they need to be doing differently, how they need to be a better person, that they're actually putting in the actions to change who they are.
• 21:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: If they have not, and they will not do those things, they're going to repeat those same patterns with you.
• 21:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: For those of you who want monogamous relationships, then this is important information for you to have.
• 21:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: speaking of monogamy and him saying that he wasn't sure if he could be monogamous.
• 21:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: Knowing how vocal Megan was about this relationship and how much he wanted to be with him and how much he loved him and that she wanted marriage.
• 21:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: When her birthday came and he gave her that car and not a ring, I was like, oh, something's up.
• 21:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: The way that he completely built a life publicly with her as if you wanted something long term, this one makes me feel that this was very intentional and even devious to me, buying a house with her, naming property after her, bringing her to all the family holidays, knowing exactly that that is what she clearly wanted.
• 22:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: And, but doing all these things to fake a future with her,
• 22:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: and then pulling it away at the end feels very malicious and it feels very targeted.
• 22:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: And maybe this could be because there's just been an uptick in men who hate or who have a lot of jealousy towards women that has been manifesting by them intentionally targeting and speaking out women who are high profile and known for having lost a path.
• 22:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: our beauty status and reputation of being women who are proudly and outwardly telling women to increase their standards when it comes to romantic partnerships for publicly giving men a hard time.
• 22:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: And these men will intentionally pursue and love bomb these women for the express purpose of eventually publicly embarrassing them,
• 22:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: So it takes the concept of in cells where the connotation is men who are broke, who don't have a lot of power, who don't have a lot of status, without us realizing that there are men who feel just as strongly about the dehumanization of women and we're target, but we'll target women who are pillars of strength or women that have some type of high profile status in order to drain their energy.
• 23:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: Obviously, I don't know Clay or his intentions, but at best.
• 23:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: I can say that I do not believe from one second that it dawned on him at the last minute that he could not be monogamous because he's never been monogamous.
• 23:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: He knew that that is who he was and how he has rolled in previous relationships and doing all the things to point to that and make all those very public commitments to me does not feel like it was haphazard or by accident and that's what is infuriating.
• 23:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: out of all the things he could have chose to leave her alone.
• 24:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: He could have chose to exit the relationship.
• 24:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: He could have chose to be the one to break it off long ago.
• 24:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: He chose to could have chose not even buy a house to do all these other things with her, but he didn't.
• 24:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: And he used something that she really wanted and held it hostage from her and I hate that for her.
• 24:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I hate that for those of us who experience that on our ends as well.
• 24:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I see this a lot with my clients.
• 24:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: You think you're moving in a direction with a person with a partner and all the sudden they start stalling all the sudden they got excuses all the sudden now they have to wait until the next job motion or they need to wait until they move to the next city, they need to wait till stuff chills out with the baby mama or they need to wait until the cows come home.
• 24:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: they have a big list of reasons why they cannot give you what it is that they want.
• 24:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: And again, because you're already committed, because you're already in love with this person, because you already have built this fantasy life of what you want.
• 24:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're willing to overlook it.
• 24:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're willing to stretch out your personal timeline.
• 25:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: And this is not to say you don't tell them that you're upset.
• 25:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: but you're willing to move quicker through the fact that this person is not fulfilling their commitments and hopes that this time they're saying they just be more time is really all that they need and it's not something more.
• 25:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: So someone who's a liar, someone who's a cheater, someone who lacks their own integrity, that has nothing to do with you that has everything to do with them.
• 25:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: They're going to get exactly what it is that they deserve.
• 25:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: And unfortunately, what they're going to get is another woman who now that this has been made public, she is either going to walk in thinking that she's the exception, which is really sad because once she's signing up to be with someone who is publicly and notoriously disrespected, another woman.
• 25:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: Instead of her going for a person that leaves with honor, they leave with self-respect, they leave with a reputation of loving women.
• 25:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like when you love yourself, that's the type of person that you want.
• 25:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: You don't want someone who's known for being a dog.
• 26:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: You start with knowing that you deserve the best, so you're going to go and look for the best.
• 26:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're not going to go look for someone who's been trashed in previous partners because you don't want to have that trashed.
• 26:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: Also, if you look for someone who's like that, and you go and try to be the exception because you're going to be different, that means you're signing up for work, which also tells me that your self respect is not where it could be, because why would you sign up to be in a relationship where you have to do labor?
• 26:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: or you have to go ahead and try to show about MP cock instead of just being in love for who you are.
• 26:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: Why not go and be in partnerships with men that love women that love to exalt women who don't treat different women differently?
• 26:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: The don't treat someone in my trash as someone like angels depending on what benefits them in the moment.
• 26:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: Why not go to or someone who truly is above
• 26:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: But he's going to find a woman who's going to go and try to be an exception, who is jealous of Megan, who is threatened by her.
• 27:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so she can get clay to treat her in a way that's different than Megan, somehow is going to prove that she's better than Megan the stallion.
• 27:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that's what she needs to feel better about herself, but it's empty because you're getting with someone who's a trash person who's a chronic cheater, who has not done this personal work and is going to treat you in the same way, unless he changes.
• 27:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: And you can't make anybody change for anyone who gets with someone who knows all these things full out and you get with someone knowing and saying that's okay.
• 27:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to love them through it and I'm going to help them.
• 27:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: You are not a social worker.
• 27:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're not a case worker.
• 27:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: You should not sign up to be a martyr.
• 27:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if you are signing up to be a martyr in anybody's relationship, that's probably part of your own personal trauma that is taught you codependent relationships, patterns, and you deserve better and you need to break that.
• 27:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: But unfortunately, bad people give relationships all the time.
• 27:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: There's somebody for everybody.
• 27:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so if you're someone who has been betrayed and been harmed and been taken advantage of and you see the move on to another relationship and that makes you sad.
• 28:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: Look, many women who are in this world who are in this healing process have been the story.
• 28:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: We have been the woman who's been watched by the woman who came before a like man.
• 28:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: You don't even know what you're about to go through and they either feel sorry for you or they're like, you can have it and we were like, well, that's not going to happen to me and maybe this isn't everybody listening, I know that there's a variety of different relationship histories, but I know that was for me, I know one relationship for sure.
• 28:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because of where I was in my maturity level, where I was in my healing, where I was in my self-respect, this person told me about a previous relationship with the previous relationships that he was with, and I did not peat the red flags, and I was like, well, it's going to be different here.
• 28:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: And meanwhile, I just became another casualty of those same stories before.
• 28:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: because it doesn't matter how beautiful you are, how strong you are, how capable you are, how talented you are, how fed you are, how good you are embed, and man who doesn't deserve you, who doesn't like himself or doesn't like women who has his own personal resentment and jealousy of you, who isn't secured himself, who is a sex addict, who
• 29:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: has its own ways to show you up in the world is going to act out, that has nothing to do with you.
• 29:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: It has nothing to do with you when you measure yourself, respect or you measure yourself, love or you're worth, based on the foibles of other people, you're always going to be at a deficit.
• 29:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: You have to switch your ruler, you have to change a measure you stick to be internal to based on you, your own personal worth.
• 29:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: your commitment to yourself, your love for yourself, and that is your measuring stick which makes sure that you will not get in relationship with other people who treat you in a way that you don't deserve.
• 29:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: You learn from it and you grow and you move on.
• 29:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: So that's what I have for us for now.
• 29:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: This was a longer episode.
• 30:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: I can't imagine if I did this sitting up y'all.
• 30:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: the way that I've been feeling the last couple days.
• 30:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I hope that you find it helpful.
• 30:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm sitting love to everyone who's gone through this before.
• 30:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm sitting love to Megan, the star yet.
• 30:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: She may never hear this episode.
• 30:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I know she's having lots of people sit her love right now.
• 30:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so I pray that the love, outshines, all the haters, all the people who are jealous, all the people who have unresolved mother wounds.
• 30:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: that they are taking out all the women around them and that she gets the support and love that she's always deserved so that's it for now as always take care of yourselves and I'll see you the next episode.