Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When A Man Remarries A Much Younger Woman, What Issues Come Up?

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When A Man Remarries A Much Younger Woman, What Issues Come Up? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

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  Hi everybody, and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom show.
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  Today we're going to talk about whether not whether 'cause
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  people could do what they want, but why, and whether people, men
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  in particular, should date much younger women after divorce.
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  And what I've seen in my, you know, client base and and the
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  pitfalls and the challenges and the upsides, because there's
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  always both. And before we get to that,
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  please do subscribe, because I've awesome subscriber
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  episodes. Most recently it was about why
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  all your wife's friends also have low sex marriages and you
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  know, there's loads and loads more, 127 more.
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  So anyway, and more by the time you hear this, because I record
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  out in advance, so frequently I see men who remarry after
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  divorce or they date after divorce, and it's like much
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  younger women. And the women are like somewhere
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  in between their age and their children's age.
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  Kind of like equidistant. And you know, like, I get it.
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  You know, they're cute, right? I mean, like, it's cute.
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  Like they're they they look up to you.
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  They haven't known a lot about the world.
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  They got lots of energy. They definitely have a higher
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  sex drive. You know, they're fun.
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  They're going to think you're really smart.
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  Like there's a whole different like whole host of reasons why,
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  you know, like that would be cool.
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  You know, like why not? You know, that's like a built in
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  fan. And they're definitely going to
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  think that you're like really experienced because you
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  unitively have more life experience.
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  And that is a super huge ego boost.
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  And particularly for men that dated women that were more of
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  their equals intellectually and in terms of life experience, the
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  wife frequently told them what to do.
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  The exwife and the exwife thought that she knew better and
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  sometimes she did know better, you know?
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  And that, especially when coupled with a decrease in
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  intimacy, you know, makes men depressed.
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  Like it seems like she used to to look up to you.
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  She used to think you were really smart.
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  Now she doesn't. So she left you or you left her,
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  whatever, after a lot of fighting.
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  And now you're going to go in for this different sort of
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  experience, which really makes you feel young.
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  You know, it isn't only about having somebody look up to you.
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  It's also when you're with a young person, you feel young
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  again, like for a little bit until you start feeling really
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  old. And I'll get to that in a SEC.
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  But, you know, makes a lot of sense and there's no judgment.
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  Like people could do what they want, you know?
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  But what happens after the honeymoon stage with the young
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  girl, with the younger woman rather.
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  Well, from what I see there's a lot of people who come in and
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  those marriages to get couples counseling and of course there's
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  people who come in and 1st marriages to get couples
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  counselling obviously. So I mean that in and of itself
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  is is nothing unique. But what is interesting always
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  here is what are the particular situations, what are the
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  particular you know, what are the descriptors, what are, what
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  are the unique issues of these May December romances.
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  So usually what happens there, there are multiple issues.
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  The woman comes in, she's like very fun, she's very energetic,
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  etcetera, etcetera. So what's she going to want?
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  Well, everybody say with me she wants a baby, you know, I mean,
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  she wants a baby or and or you know, she wants to start a
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  career and or she just, you know, changes like she wants
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  some other thing besides to be like his cute little girlfriend.
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  So everything's good when she's his cute little girlfriend, but
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  then she becomes his wife. So she wants to make something
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  out of her life in some way, whether that's to be a mother or
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  to be the stepmother to his existing children and or to
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  start a career, you know, with what many men offer as lots and
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  lots of help based upon their finances.
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  They are stationed in the world etcetera.
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  So they start the woman out in some way or they pay for her
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  schooling or they pay for, you know, the seed money for her
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  business, what whatever, whatever.
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  Either way or they give her a baby.
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  You know, they have a baby with her and they are not.
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  Then they're not on a pedestal anymore.
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  They are just another husband and this young woman has a lot
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  of energy. She had a lot of energy for sex
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  to begin with, but what does she have more energy for now that
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  they don't usually have? Fighting, Fighting.
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  She takes everything more personally than he does because
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  even the guys that are just literally like more, you know,
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  So I mean who's going to date a woman who's like 20 years
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  younger? It's usually a guy who's a bit
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  self absorbed and thinks he's, you know, at least in in the
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  fact that he feels that he could keep up with a woman who's 30
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  when he's 50. Right.
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  So, you know, you got to be a little delusional in that regard
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  not to see the writing on the wall that you know, within the
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  next few years, you know, you may not be doing so great.
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  You're not going to be remotely as handsome.
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  Viagra does not cure all ills. So you have to be a little bit,
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  you know, arrogant or self delusional in some way, which
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  may be very useful in business. A big personality, a big strong
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  personality, you know carries the day.
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  But anyway, so these guys are a little bit delusional, not
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  seeing the writing on the wall so they don't see some of the
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  downside. So the biggest downside that I
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  see is there starts to be conflict.
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  So she doesn't want to defer all the time and she has endless
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  energy to fight and everything is she takes very personally
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  because she's young and even these more self absorbed guys,
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  they really are older so they are wiser.
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  Frequently they're even like CEO's like top level guys.
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  They've done a lot of work on themselves in theory at least.
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  And so they don't want to be having screaming matches, you
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  know, they they will then defer on all sorts of things and then
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  end up in situations where they're really not happy, you
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  know, because she cares more. This is her first rodeo.
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  She she's like forming her identity as a wife and a mother,
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  like so she cares like so super much about every little thing
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  related to like, let's say the baby in a way that the guy
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  almost forgot that his first wife used to.
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  He's certainly not at that stage anymore.
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  He sees the larger picture. Maybe he has grown children.
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  He understands it doesn't really matter what Montessori they go
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  to, but she cares super much, for example, You know, so
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  there's a big difference in just basic intensity of an older man
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  and a younger woman. She's a lot more intense, and
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  she's intense in the good ways at the beginning.
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  But over time and when she's out of the honeymoon stage, which as
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  we remember is a year and a half to three years after marriage or
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  quicker, she gets pregnant right away and the hormones start
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  changing. Then she's intense about getting
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  her way. And she's intense about the
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  resolution of these arguments, which to her feel like a matter
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  of life or death. Because when you're young,
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  everything feels like a matter of life or death, you know?
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  So for your teenage child, you know, what concert they go to is
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  a matter of life or death. For an older person, just going
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  to a concert is fine, good, fine, whatever.
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  You know, oh, it's a band that I like.
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  Oh, that's extra bonus. You know, it's nice to hear this
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  music kind of almost no matter what.
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  There's like basically 100 bands I would want to go see.
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  Whereas for like a teenager, they'll like, you know, die.
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  If it's like, you know, the the right concert.
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  You know, The Beatles, the people that were fainting when
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  The Beatles came out. We're not exactly 40 year old
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  women, right, Or 50 year old women.
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  So when you're young, you're very, very intense about getting
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  what you want, your forming your identity.
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  And a lot of this goes in direct opposition to larger life
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  lessons and philosophies that the man prides himself on, such
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  as more of a don't sweat the small stuff ideology which he's,
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  you know, gained over the years and over life experience.
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  But now she does sweat a lot of the small stuff and it seemed
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  like she didn't at first because she was so taken by him.
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  It's really hard not to feel very taken and swept off your
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  feet by a man who's spending, you know, money on you trips and
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  clothes and restaurants and all of these things things, you
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  know? And so she was very excited and
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  she didn't really sweat the small stuff.
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  But now when that honeymoon stage glow has faded, she sweats
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  a lot of small stuff and there's a super huge intensity factor.
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  Also, a lot of these guys are not expecting the high intensity
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  parenting that comes with this second cohort of children.
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  Because nowadays the woman thinks that no matter whether or
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  not he's the primary earner, he should be splitting the
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  childcare and the housework. So sometimes he could buy her
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  out of the housework, but he's still going to like baby swim
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  class and he don't want to be going to baby swim class because
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  he's, you know, running a business or whatever.
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  And he did baby swim Class A long time ago or he never did it
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  and he never wants to do it. And this isn't to say that these
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  men are not involved fathers, but the.
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  The frame for what it means to constitute an involved father
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  has obviously changed dramatically in recent decades,
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  correct. I think everybody could agree
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  with that. So being an involved father to,
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  you know, the baby when your wife is 32 is a hell of a lot
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  different, you know, in 2023 than it was in 2003 or in the
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  90s or however, you know. And so it depends on how old the
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  person is. But the the point here is that
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  there is a lot more high intensity expected, whether that
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  is in fights, whether that is in parenting or also in the
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  bedroom. And so a lot of guys come in
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  because they become at some point anxious that the woman
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  will cheat. Because, I mean, yeah, I mean,
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  she's like young. She's young.
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  You're not young. So, I mean, it becomes kind of
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  this sort of thing where they think, why wouldn't she want to
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  be with a younger man? And I mean, that's a good point,
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  right? I mean, I mean, why wouldn't
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  she? For all the same reasons that
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  you like her. She might want to, She might
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  like a younger guy. And it doesn't mean that she's
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  going to cheat, but doesn't mean that she's going to find a
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  younger man potentially more attractive than, like, a man
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  who's 20 years her senior. I mean, obviously, let's not be
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  foolish. So you know, that at some point
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  gets into the man's head too. Oh fuck, You know, like maybe
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  she, you know, is compromising and that's not a very it's not a
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  very fulfilling or reassuring thought for a man to have is
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  when he thought that the money was just a nice add on that was
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  much different. But then you know, when they
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  have some conflict, it's not the honeymoon stage.
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  Maybe he sees her look at a guy on the street, then he starts to
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  think, what if the money was primary?
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  And quite honestly, she may have thought the money was primary.
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  You know, I mean, there's a saying it's as easy to marry a
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  rich man as a poor man, which was especially a cliche that was
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  said in earlier generations when women did not have the ability
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  to make money, you know, with the same ability as men, right.
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  Because they couldn't even, like, get their own mortgage and
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  shit, you know, So, So nowadays, like, it's, it's falling out of
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  favor. But it used to mean, of course,
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  that is a hell of a lot easier when you're financially
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  comfortable. So might as well find the guy
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  who's financially comfortable, right?
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  It's as easy to marry a rich man as a poor man.
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  And so in this case, it's even easier to marry a man whose
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  career is already like, completely, you know, running
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  smooth sailing and is successful.
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  And this man can pretty much give you whatever you want
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  financially. So you know, and that's not to
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  say that these women don't fall in love with these guys.
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  They do. But the lifestyle is a very big
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  part. Another aspect comes when the
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  guys lose their health. That's a major one.
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  So the first time that they have something that is like, you
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  know, a precancerous mole, or when they break something and it
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  doesn't heal like it used to, or when they take longer to recover
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  from illness, then they also have a big epiphany.
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  Like, Oh my God, you know, when the woman frequently has an
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  epiphany like, Oh my God, is this what we are looking at in
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  like 1020 years from now? You know, And that also is not a
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  very comfortable situation for people.
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  And I would say that, you know, it's more of a common thing to
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  not have the same cultural references, etc, Etc.
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  But that really, I see more in the inverse.
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  When it's like an older woman on a younger man, then you know she
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  feels that maybe they're not intellectually well suited.
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  I see this sometimes with older men and younger women that
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  they're like, she doesn't get any of my references.
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  It's kind of lonely or like, honestly, she doesn't have life
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  experience to understand what I'm saying.
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  But I mean, I don't bullshit you.
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  And this is much less of a factor in male dissatisfaction
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  with this arrangement than than than than one might think.
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  It's primarily due to the fact that the difficulties I see and
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  again, I went through all of the great, wonderful things at the
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  beginning, the new lease on life.
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  You feel very young, at least at first.
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  You're having great sex. She looks up at you adoringly,
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  You know, she's beautiful, all these kinds of things.
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  She stays up late. She has fun, she likes music,
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  she likes all these things, right.
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  She likes blowjobs, You know it all.
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  You know, this is a lot of stuff.
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  Then on the other side is, is the challenge on the other side
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  of the honeymoon face. But many men think that the
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  honeymoon stage, that is worth it, you know, because it's
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  there, it's their only chance to feel young again.
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  And so for them it is. But there's a lot of other men
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  who think, well, shit, you know, why did I not possibly foresee
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  that there may be problems from dating a woman who's 1020 years
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  younger than myself and has like, is at a really different
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  life stage and is really, really intense about these various
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  things that she wants, that I don't necessarily want.
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  And then when they're a little bit older, you know, has these
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  requirements and demands of me that are things that I don't
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  really, I'm not really into. You know, whether that is like
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  hanging out and going drinking a lot.
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  And meanwhile, he has to get up for work.
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  And, you know, he runs whatever he does and something where he
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  needs to get sleep and maybe she doesn't.
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  Or she's just young so she could go out partying and she could
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  get up for work and he can't. And so you got to think, you
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  know, you got to think both sides of this.
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  And it's not like everything. There's no free lunch.
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  Say it all the time. And it could not be more
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  pertinent than in this situation.
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  There is no free lunch when you were trying to date a woman
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  who's much, much younger. And I see this all the time, and
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  you don't want to be the two time divorcee.
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  Nobody thinks that that's cute on the dating apps.
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  So, you know, it's something to think about before getting into
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  these kind of relationships. And again, for some people it
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  works out great. And for the people that works
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  out great. I'll tell you, it isn't as much
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  of A whirlwind, insane, passionate thing.
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  Like I, you know, saw the girl, like on the fucking, you know,
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  across the room at the nightclub and she's like the hottest
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  thing. And you know, like that is, you
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  know, a lust, right? Or like, I, I I saw her at
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  CrossFit and you know, I'm so pumped that I can still do
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  CrossFit at 55. And then here she is coming in
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  at 27. You know like it's more the ones
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  I've seen work out better are the ones where they were and
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  this is possible friends first so they know each other more.
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  So for example, she worked with him for a long time before they
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  started dating throughout, you know, his first marriage,
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  etcetera, etcetera, possibly her first marriage or, you know,
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  they, they just know each other in some way or, you know, they
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  are just very, very similar people with similar
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  personalities. And it is more of a of a
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  compatibility, a reasoned compatibility approach, which of
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  course every guy is blinded by loss, will say, Oh yeah, that's
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  me, that's me. We both like pickleball.
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  But you got to really think about it.
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  You got to really think is this compatibility or is this.
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  I love her young body and I feel like 1,000,000 bucks.
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  You know, I mean those things are quite different.
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  All right. I hope you guys enjoyed this and
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  found it at least a bit funny and informative.
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  And I'll talk to y'all soon. Have a great day guys.