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Transcript

Single and Ready to Mingle · Gay Men Going Deeper

• 0:05
  Speaker A: Welcome to Gamin Going Deeper podcast by the Gaiman's Brotherhood that showcases raw and real conversations about personal development, mental health and sexuality from an unapologetically gay perspective. I'm your host, Matt Lansado, and joining me Today is Michael DiIorio. Today we are talking about being single and. And ready to mingle. And we're going to be exploring a couple questions. What do you enjoy about being single? How do you know when you're ready to mingle again after a period of being single? And what would you like to experience this time around when it comes to dating? So, for the record, Michael and I are both single and I'm pretty sure we're both ready to mingle. So this is why we're. Yeah, Michael's been mingling. So what we want you to get out of today's episode is just a deeper understanding of your relationship to being single. If you're ready to mingle, where is your desire at? And if there is desire there, what do you need to do? We're going to be talking a bit about that today, how to put yourself out there, these sorts of things. If you're new here, please subscribe to our channel on YouTube. And if you're listening on your favorite podcast platform, please subscribe and leave us a review which helps us get into the ears of the people who need us. And this podcast and YouTube channel are listener and viewer supported. If you enjoy what we're creating, you can support the community by donating to the show, using the link in the show notes or tapping the thanks button on YouTube. We also have the early access option on Apple and you can support us there. I believe it's only 2.99amonth or something. Yeah, $2.99 a month. And you get access to all the early episodes, so. And that, again, it all goes back to the Gaiman's Brotherhood, helping our community grow and thrive. And we do thank you in advance for your support. All right, so when I think about single and ready to mingle, it's like a. It's a light energy, right? It's like, it's not this, like, desperation to be with somebody. It's not any of this. It's more of a light thing. It's like, okay, I've. Maybe you've been in a period where you've been consciously single. You've. Or you were coming out of a relationship, so you needed to take some time, and now there's this energy of like, okay, I want to put myself back out there. There's this feeling of being excited maybe about the potential. Right. Mingling is kind of like a fun light thing, putting ourselves out there and there's yeah, the potential of being able to fall in love again or being able to fall in love for the first time, getting to meet new people, these sorts of things. So this is what we're going to be unpacking and yeah, let's maybe just start right off the top. So what are some things that you enjoy about being single?
• 2:34
  Speaker B: Yeah, people are going to think that this is our advert for finding a partner, which I mean if it does, I'm not. What do I love about being single? So for me it's been, I'm almost at two years, almost exactly two years of singleness now. And so the best parts of it are that for, you know, I think a lot of us lone wolves, it's a lot of fun, can be pretty easy. Freedom is the number one thing. Freedom is my top value like ever. And so for me being not, not being in a relationship is not freeing with the right person. I still do feel very free. That's not what I'm saying. But the great thing about being single is like, it's just, it's just, there's no negotiation with it, it just is. The possibilities are endless, which I love. I'm someone who can be very flirty, spontaneous and I just kind of go with my instincts and go by my intuition and I love that when I'm flying solo I can, there's literally nothing stopping me. I don't need to consider anybody else, I don't need to ask permission, I don't need to worry or think or, you know, go through the filter of the other person. And so it's really fun, really exciting. Any adventure for me is just right around the corner. And I will say this, that adventure could be like going to bed at 9 o', clock, ordering a pizza, eating it all by myself and watching five Harry Potter movies in a row and eating a bag of chips, all for me. That could be adventure for me. Or it could be like I'm going to go out at 2 o' clock in the morning or whatever, I'm going to take a last minute trip to somewhere. So that to me has been the best part I think of being single. And the other thing I would add kind of not under the freedom realm, but a very specific aspect of it for me is my home. When I have a long term partner we usually end up cohabitating, which I love. But it's funny, it's actually the thing I miss the most when they. If we break up. But eventually I get to the space where my home is my sanctuary, and it's all mine again.
• 4:27
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 4:28
  Speaker B: And I'm the gatekeeper of the space, the decor, where things are. I move things around. I'm the gatekeeper of my time, my energy, who comes in. I don't need to run things by people, so it's actually interesting. It's also the thing I would say that hurts the most during a breakup is when they move out. But I think. I think that just tells me home is a very important value to me, and it is a sanctuary. But, yeah, that's one thing about being single that's great is. Is. It's all mine. It's just my. My canvas to do what I want with. And I do spend quite a bit of time at home, especially in these cold winter months.
• 4:58
  Speaker A: Yes. Yeah. It's nice to have somebody to snuggle, that's for sure. Yes. What about the flip side of that? So I'll ask the question, because we are talking about mingling and singling. So what do you enjoy about mingling?
• 5:10
  Speaker B: Yeah, we've talked a little bit about dating in the past where, you know, it's. It's really a fabulous opportunity to get to know yourself through others. Because if you're isolated and in that lone wolf, you don't get. You don't bump up against other people, you don't bump up against those. Those edges. And so you don't get that opportunity for learning and. And understanding new things and new experiences, and even a little bit of tension and conflict, I think, can be a good thing. So something I like about dating is it can be, if you're in the right headspace, fun and a beautiful way to actually get to know yourself. And it. You know, the contrast, even if you go on a bad date, there's a contrast that shows you more of what you do want and what you do value and what your needs and desires actually are. And I think that can be a. A beautiful way to actually get clarity on the kind of person you are and the kind of relationship you want. Yeah. Yeah.
• 6:02
  Speaker A: What's your favorite stage of. Of the dating process in building a relationship? So you kind of have, like, the honeymoon phase where you're like, it's really early. You have that differentiation stage, like the power struggle area, and then you have the kind of the settling in, and then you have the whole, like, commitment, like, we've built a life together, and now we're like this we're basically like a unit.
• 6:23
  Speaker B: And then they're all great. I mean, right now, because I am single, what I spent some time thinking about, in a good way, is, like, there is this man out there who I have yet to meet who's, like, in my future. And I am just dying to know how we're going to meet. Like, how is this going to happen? And it just. It thrills me, that idea of, like, where is he? How. How are we going to meet? Because, I mean, I've thought about it so many times, and I just think the universe has always, at least with me, has always surprised me. It's never been something that I. It's never been something that I expected or in the way I expected. It's always been a surprise. So I know that this is going to be another surprise. I think that that, to me, is my favorite right now. But I, of course, I love, like, the honeymoon phase and getting to know each other and, you know, when you get the butterflies, you get the butterflies. I'm like, oh, my gosh. I actually like him. Oh, my God. He actually responds, oh, my God. He can actually communicate. Oh, my God. He's actually single. So that part is fun when it gets to be a little bit exciting without falling in love with the fantasy.
• 7:25
  Speaker A: Yeah. That's why I don't like the honeymoon phase. The honeymoon phase is my least favorite because it makes me the most anxious. That's why people are the most. People, please. They don't show you who they actually are. And then the reason why there's a differentiation or a power. Power struggle stage is because, guess what? I actually do have boundaries. I do have this. My foot in the sand here. A line in the sand. So I do think that I would rather show those things up front. Like, this is who I am. This is who I am authentically. So I. Yeah, there's something about the honeymoon phase for me that just makes me feel anxious. Like I don't quite know who this person is. So. But I guess my work is to not land too solidly in the honeymoon phase. Like, do you know what I mean? Because I. And I am a fast faller. So that's my problem, right? If I fall fast, then I don't know who this person is fully yet. I get anxious, right? So it's like just. I gotta just take my time. But it's so hard for me because when I find somebody that I actually want to. That I actually like, which is so hard for me, I'm like, yeah, I want to lock this down because it feels good, you know, And I don't want to be, like, sharing this with other people and, you know, like that. So, yeah, it's tough.
• 8:34
  Speaker B: I agree. What helps me is knowing that whatever in that honeymoon phase, in that, like, we're all putting our best foot forward, of course, which is fine. But in the back of my mind, I know that whoever is in front of me as great and perfect. I'm using air quotes as that may be, because that doesn't exist. But as good as that may be, I know that there is. There is a pile of insecurities, fears, things that are going to annoy me. And I know that it's there. It's just a matter of, like, oh, at some point I hope I can discover what these are. And in fact, I wouldn't. I wouldn't personally, I wouldn't make things a serious relationship with somebody until we've had those moments of like, you know, conflict or rupture. And, and, and I've seen his mess. I want to see your mess. Not on day one. Don't show me day one. But, like, eventually I want to know, like, I want to see him on a bad day. I want to see him stressed out. I want to see him angry at his best friend or whatever. Like, I want to see that so I can get a better sense. And then at least I know what's coming and it's not a problem. Like, okay, cool, now I know what. Now I know the shadow side a little bit. And then I can decide whether it's a shadow that I can still learn to love or one that I don't want to participate in.
• 9:43
  Speaker A: Yeah, that. It's interesting. I find gay men really, really good at concealing that stuff.
• 9:49
  Speaker B: Of course.
• 9:49
  Speaker A: Right. And very good at people pleasing. So I do find that it's tough. And honeymoon phase, they say last three to six months.
• 9:57
  Speaker B: Right.
• 9:57
  Speaker A: So that means that I gotta wait three or six months to find out what your mess is. Like, I want to know if our mess is compatible a little sooner than that. And I agree with you. Not on the first date, not even on the second date, but, you know, within the first 30 days. It's kind of good to have, like, a little bit of, like, realness. Like, let's have a real conversation about relationship fears. Let's have a real conversation about these sorts of things. And for me, that's when I am able to start to see capacity. But I do also think people can play placate. They can. They can fake that they're that they're attuned to these sorts of things within themselves. Right. And it doesn't usually come into conflict when it's actually real and the nervous systems are fully engaged in a conflict that you're able to see, like, okay, shit, this person has more of a. Whatever, anxious attachment or they have, you know, these things that are starting to come up in. So, yeah, no, I. I agree.
• 10:49
  Speaker B: But I. I will say I have gone on dates where it doesn't take three to six months. Like, with the right kind of guy, they'll be pretty open to, like, having these kinds of conversations pretty soon if they feel safe and if I feel safe. And it depends on the kind of date it is, but, you know, I'm. And I know you're the same way, Matt. Not afraid to go deep. And actually we like that. And we can hold space for that.
• 11:10
  Speaker A: And.
• 11:10
  Speaker B: And, you know, I think people tend to feel probably pretty safe with you. At least I. I get that as well. So you could have that sooner than the three to six months. Yeah. And I think some guys, at least I'm. I'm 42, but, you know, I'm going to say around our age and older, are perhaps more. Not always. Perhaps more willing to go there.
• 11:34
  Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I usually have conflict with partners before that point because I am very authentic and I speak my mind a lot and I'm. I'm not afraid to express my needs and my boundaries. So it does. I tend to create friction in my relationships earlier than some maybe might be other. Others might.
• 11:52
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 11:53
  Speaker A: And. And who knows? Maybe that's a subconscious thing that I'm doing.
• 11:55
  Speaker B: Right.
• 11:56
  Speaker A: But for me, it's. It's very much a. I'm just. I'm showing up the way that I think I need to in order to get my needs met or to speak my mind, whatever it might be.
• 12:06
  Speaker B: Well, what about the best things about being single? What are. What are yours?
• 12:09
  Speaker A: Yeah. Okay. We kind of derailed that over to the. The other side. Best things about being single for me are. Yeah, freedom. Like, I definitely. I love commitment, don't get me wrong, but I also love freedom. And when I'm single, I don't have to worry about anything about any. Anybody else's feelings or the decisions I'm making, these sorts of things. So that's definitely one. I like the idea of potential. Like, you know, like you said, who is this person that's going to come into my life? Like, you know, and there's all, you know, when you're on the apps, there's this hope and there's, you know, when you're out and about, there's this feeling that, okay, like, is tonight the night I'm going to run into this person and we're going to, like, be. Just have love at first sight kind of thing. Right. So there's a. There's a bit of a. Of a thing that kind of, you know, excites me when it comes to that. Yeah. Best things about being single, I think. Yeah, those are kind of the main ones for me.
• 12:58
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 12:59
  Speaker A: I'm at a point right now where I'm really wanting love and relationships. So, yeah, I feel like being. I've been single for quite a while. Like, I've. So just to kind of give people context. So I was single for about a year and a half and. And then I ended up meeting somebody recently. Well, two guys, actually, recently. So one of them, we dated for just two weeks. And it was one of those serendipitous meetings. We were on a dog walk. We saw each other. It was like, wow. Like, we had this really intense, powerful connection. And then he just said he's not ready right now and he needed some space because he has a lot of life, big life, things that are happening. So I just said, yeah, that's fine. And then we just lost touch. We haven't connected. And then that night, I ended up connecting with somebody on Grindr, of all places. And we had been dating for the last month, basically, and then we had just called it off. But it was so close. Like, it was the closest I felt to any. Anyone that I've dated so far. It felt so close to what I'm looking for. There was just something that wasn't quite quite there. So, yeah, so now I'm at this point where I'm just. Yeah, I'm feeling like, okay, the universe is showing me, like, that there's a lot of what I'm looking for is out there. I just have to keep, you know, refining and keep working on what is within me to becoming aligned, to being able to call the things in that I'm desiring. Right. Because I'm a firm believer that we have to become what we want to attract. If we want a kind and loving partner, we have to be a kind and loving partner. So. And for me, it's trust. That's the area that I. That I tend to struggle with. So I have to learn to trust. And then I think I'm going to attract somebody that will come in, that will be trustworthy. Right. It's going to be a vibrational match. So that's my work.
• 14:36
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 14:37
  Speaker A: Show up and do that.
• 14:38
  Speaker B: For me, it's, it's, it's communication. So I do the same thing. So the way I, that I communicate, I used to kind of be more that pleaser, like, oh, I don't want to be too direct or come on too strong or say what I want too much. And then I ended up drawing in, to your point, a lot of wishy washy energy because I was being wishy washy. So now I'm like, here's what I'm up for, here's what I'm not up for. Yeah. You know, more of a take it or leave it energy. Like, I hope you take it, but if you leave it, it's okay too. And guess what? I'm drawing in a lot of those very equally direct guys who I think in North America is maybe not the norm, but when I was in Europe, it is very much more, I would say socially the norm to be a little bit more direct with what people want. And I love that there, I'm normal. When I come back to Toronto, people think I'm a little bit. What's the word? Sharp or what did Star used to call me? Prickly.
• 15:37
  Speaker B: I'm not prickly. This is just how people speak to each other when you're an adult is.
• 15:42
  Speaker A: What I would say.
• 15:43
  Speaker B: But yeah, so for me it's communication that's really the big thing.
• 15:46
  Speaker A: More than okay, so learning how to communicate more. What?
• 15:51
  Speaker B: Yeah, so when I can communicate more directly about what I want in my boundaries, then what I've noticed is I'm finding those guys like it's an attraction thing. Like they're, they're finding me and they're saying to me like, this is what I'm up for. This is what I'm not up for. And I'm like, oh, okay. That's what I do to other people. Now I'm seeing what it's like on either side and I think it's very attractive. Even if it's not a match, there's still a lot of respect. Yeah. When, when someone speaks in that way and they know who they are and they know what they want and they're not apologizing for it and they're not going to tiptoe and beat around the bush and be very, you know, indirect. It's like, say what the you want, just tell me. And then like, let me say yes or no. Don't try to placate me.
• 16:29
  Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. That was the biggest Thing that was missing from my last connection, it was that like, I need a man who is very certain and very like, yes. Like I, these are my boundaries, these are my needs. This is what I want. Like a man who knows himself is so important to me. Like, that has now been bumped to the top of the list because I realized that without that I, I end up becoming too dominant in the relationship because I am very, very certain what, what I want. I've studied myself for the last 20 years, so I need somebody who can rise to that occasion. It doesn't, not necessarily match that because I do this for a living, so I don't expect somebody to be at that level. But I do feel like it's, it's good to know yourself and to be in therapy and to, you know, these sorts of things.
• 17:10
  Speaker B: Yeah, bulldoze. That's what people would say. Even, you know, even my closest friends and my mom will be like, you need someone who's gonna, not gonna let you bulldoze because I will not. Not intentionally because I'm a bully, but just because exactly what you had said, like, there's no around with me. I know what I want to know who I am. I get it. Like, I, I, but that said, I feel like for scaring people out there, I compromise. Very compromising. And I know my core values that I don't compromise on, those are very clear to me. But there's a lot of things that I'm very willing to be open and compromise on. And it's just knowing the difference. And for me, those are very clear. My values, my core values are very clear to me. And then I'm also very open minded in lots of other ways. So.
• 17:48
  Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. I have so many questions. I want to keep derailing it.
• 17:53
  Speaker B: Sorry.
• 17:53
  Speaker A: But actually I'm so I'm still going to ask it because it's important. What are your core values? Like, what would you say are like the top ones that are like, you can't negotiate on those ones.
• 18:02
  Speaker B: Oh my gosh. For sure. Like I had talked about freedom. Like I don't want a relationship and luckily none of my relationships have felt this way. That feels like I'm being tied down. I'm not talking about sexually, I'm not talking about like monogamy or monogamy. Just I really like when a man has his own incredible life that he's created and I have my own incredible life and we kind of come together and share our lives and we have this rich moment. So what I, what's the non negotiable for me is, is someone who has a very rich, full life. And I'm not, I don't want to be your top priority all the time. I don't like that. I don't want to be that. And it puts a lot of pressure on me. So I would love it if he's like, he's got a lot of, you know, what's the irons in the fire and I'm one of them. I think that's great. So that's, that's really important to me. Communication like we had just talked about, just someone who, who can express himself how he navigates conflict. Very important to me because we're gonna, we're gonna hit tension for sure. And I need to know that you can handle it without shutting down or stonewalling or name calling or flying off the handle or running away. Like I need you to be able to show up at the table like a grown ass man. Yeah. And like put our cards on the table and say, listen, I love you, you love me, we want to do this, then let's figure this out together. Kind of. Energy, family values, very important to me. My family has always been important to me and my friends as well. So my chosen family, a non negotiable for me is someone who can't understand that there are going to be times where my family and friends are just going to take a priority. Like that's just how it is. And same thing with my business. So again, someone who is okay not always being number one in my life, like, yeah, okay with that. And I don't expect to be number one in your life all the time either. So again it's, it's that energy. Those are some of them. I'm sure there's more, but those are some ones that happen off the top of my head.
• 19:56
  Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, I like that. I like, I have a 75, 25 percentage that I find is a nice sweet spot like of disposable time. Like when I'm not working, when I'm not sleeping, I would like to be with my partner 75% of the time. And then 25% of the time I'd like to be with my own friends doing my own thing. And I find that that balance works. For some people it would be too much, you know, whatever, but I find that that's a nice ratio for me.
• 20:19
  Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah, it really depends. That said, I mean when I'm with the right person, I want to be with them a lot. And it's not never, it never feels like work. It just feels like safe and feels like home and feels wonderful. That's how I know, that's how I know when I'm dating somebody. One of my, one of my ways of figuring out is like, do I feel very safe and at home with them? And if so, it's like an energetic thing. If my body says yes, then I'm like, okay, keep going with this one.
• 20:41
  Speaker A: Yeah, totally. Okay, I want to hear from you on YouTube. YouTubers, what do you enjoy about being single? Share with us in the comments. You can also share with us what your core values are. What are your non negotiables when it comes to dating? Let us know and come and join us in our connection circles in the Gay Men's Brotherhood where you can share your voice and unpack questions on certain topics. So we'd love for you to come and join us. Go to Gaiman's Brotherhood.com and you can check our event section and we've got our connection circles and all the events sharing circles. Things that are happening in the Gay Men's Brotherhood are all over there on our website gaymansbrotherhood.com events tab. Okay. How do you know when you're ready to mingle after a period of being single?
• 21:28
  Speaker B: Good question.
• 21:31
  Speaker B: For me, a motivation thing, like it's, it's, I'm, I'm always ready to mingle. But like, is it, is it coming from a clean place? Is the, is the question. So if, if I'm genuinely, which I am in this moment, genuinely excited to meet people and get out there and I'm genuinely curious to be like, ooh, what's, what's, what's, what's in store for me, then that's how I know that it's coming from a, what I would call a clean place versus when I'm mingling from a place of I'm lonely and wanting to fill a void, which to me feels a little bit not desperate, but desperate.
• 22:09
  Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, it's like grabby almost like.
• 22:11
  Speaker B: Yeah, like please, please, please, please, please, that kind of thing. And it's, it's because I'm filling a void of loneliness or something else. And when I've mingled from that place, I end up attracting not the right person. And it's a lot of trauma bonding. And then, you know, in that space I'm far more likely to gloss over red flags in that space, I likely to like lower my standards just, just because I want to feel, let's say affection or I want to feel not lonely. Right. Just because I'M feeling that void. So I will betray a lot of my values that I just said just to have that feeling of feeling held. Yeah. Or having company, even if it's just companionship, even if it's just a date. So what I'd look for now when I'm to know the difference is, you know, obviously the feeling. But if I'm still feeling bitterness, I'm like, oh, maybe this is not great. So bitterness towards men, which I hear a lot. A lot of y'.
• 23:06
  Speaker A: All.
• 23:07
  Speaker B: See you in the Facebook group. Very bitter. You're very, very, very bitter bunch. You know, I. I did a connection circle called the Art of Being Single just last week for this exact reason. Because I'm like, okay, y' all need some. Y' all need a reset. Anyway, so if you're feeling bitter towards men, towards the gay community, towards the world, towards your ex, towards other couples, maybe not a good time to be mingling. Yeah. If there's that desperation, then again, you're more likely to get attached to the ideas, to the fantasy, to gloss over things. So how I know is when it's coming from the space of curiosity and excitement and less of the desperation.
• 23:44
  Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. I laugh about the Facebook group. It's spicy in there, man. Like, there's some. Yeah. Serious spice.
• 23:53
  Speaker B: Yeah, I get it. I get it. It's not. It's not. It's. It's. It's. It's. Yeah, yeah. It's not great. It's a slog out there. I get it. There's not great prospects, especially for. For when you know who you want and you have high standards. You're gonna go through a lot of not great. It's gonna be like a 99 no's. But to get to that one. Yes. I think it's gotta be worth going through 99 nos. Yeah. You have to say, yeah, it's worth the 99 nos to get to the 1. Yes. And if it's not. If. If your tolerance is so low that you can't get to, like, three no's.
• 24:25
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 24:26
  Speaker B: Not a good time to be mingling. It's not coming from a genuine place, in my opinion.
• 24:31
  Speaker A: It's also part of it, too, is because we're looking for love on sex apps. Most of us, it's like we have nowhere in our work, in our. In the gay world to find love or platonic connection or anything. Like, we're a very unique thing. But we don't have an app. It's not accessible in our community to meet guys to. For friends Or. Right. Because it's online, we don't have. Right. So this is a call to action for any of our listeners who are like app developers or you're out there in the gay community or you're an influencer or whatever. Like, let's put something together where we can build, like, apps where it's not about sex and it's about actually finding meaningful connection beyond that, because we already have all that. We got the Grinder, we got the scruff, we got all the things where we can find sex. And that's great. We need that. But what about the other areas to find, find to find the type of connection that a lot of the guys in our community are yearning for. Right. It sucks. It sucks. I'm one of them. Like, I. When I open up Grindr, I'm just like, ugh. Like, it's. It just feels like, am I. My. It makes my tummy sink. Right. Because it's. This is the opposite of what I'm looking for, you know?
• 25:33
  Speaker B: Although you did meet somebody on Grinder, man.
• 25:34
  Speaker A: I did, yeah. No, I did.
• 25:36
  Speaker B: Yeah. It can happen. It can happen. I have met some great guys on Grindr too, but it's not. I would say for me, it's not the norm.
• 25:43
  Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. Well, I was on it for six months and I found one person in six months. It's a pretty horrible ratio in my opinion. But yeah, you're right. You can still find somebody.
• 25:55
  Speaker B: You just thought of something else. Another. Another way that I know when I'm ready to mingle after a period of being single was the question when my self trust is pretty high.
• 26:06
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 26:06
  Speaker B: So if I'm going in feeling like, insecure or afraid, I'm gonna get trampled by not just online, but even in person too, and it's gonna hurt me and the rejection is gonna sting and it's just gonna take. It's gonna take a lot. Versus when I'm going in, you know, with a lot of self trust, you know, the ability to. To have my own back and feeling like, yes, I will have my own back because I will get rejected and it will happen. And there are loads of emotional landmines out there in dating, so you have to be aware of what you're going into and that no matter what, you're gonna. You're gonna come home to yourself and you're gonna just love yourself no matter what happens out there. That's how you know when you're ready to get out there. Especially in this gay world. Yeah. Are so many, so many opportunities to get hurt.
• 26:51
  Speaker A: Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. I'll build off of what you just said because I think it's a. It's a great point. Self trust. I think for me it's confidence. Like, I know I'm ready to mingle when I feel confident because again, I'm more introverted. So being confident leans me more towards extroversion. So. And then there's this feeling of, like, wanting to put myself out there and wanting to take risks and knowing that if I do get rejected that I'm going to be able to handle it. So I think for me, it's an energy of confidence. That's the number one thing that's going to be the foundation of. Oh, yeah, okay. I'm really wanting to start putting myself back out there again. Into the dating pool.
• 27:29
  Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. Out of curiosity, you said Grindr. I know we've talked about Hinge because I think Hinge is a good app for what you had just said because it doesn't allow you even to send photos. You can't send photos through that app. So, yeah, that's.
• 27:44
  Speaker A: Yeah, Hinge has been. Been okay. Tinder's been okay. But again, there's just not a ton of matches. Like, I live in a city of 2 million, right. Whereas if you're in like a New York, a Toronto, a Chicago, like these places, then the hinges and the tinters are going to be like loaded with people. But the pool's smaller on the non sex apps here. But the sex apps here are filled. Like there's tons, right. So you're kind of in a city like Hungary. You're. You're resorting eventually to the larger pools because the other ones dry up quicker. Right?
• 28:13
  Speaker B: Yeah, I'm, I'm on both Grindr and Hinge. And it's so funny, this happened yesterday. Someone I matched with on Hinge, we were chatting. He's like, yeah, I live across the street from you. We've chatted on Grinder. I'm like, oh, really? Okay, cool. And I went to his Grinder profile and I looked at our chat. I'm like, oh, this is a very different chat and a very different profile, which I get. I'm the same way. Like, my Grinder profile is very. Presents very differently. It's the same photos of me, but it's a different, different vibe.
• 28:41
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 28:41
  Speaker B: And I was like, oh, my gosh, it's so funny. His profile said, like, looking for monogamy. And, you know, there's a very beautiful profile. And then like on Grindr, when we chatted and like, it was very much we. That wasn't covered.
• 28:51
  Speaker A: It was.
• 28:52
  Speaker B: Let's just say it wasn't covered. We covered a lot of ground. That wasn't one of them. Like, it's the same person and I'm the same person, but where we chat is going to bring up a very different outcome.
• 29:01
  Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's true. Right. And you never know the sides of people that they're representing on each one. But that also kind of scares me because I'm like, if. If you have that much duality that you can be both of these things, like, you know, like, I don't know. It's like, if you're. If you're like, if you're super promiscuous when you're single, like, does that say something about your capacity to be in a monogamous relationship? Right. Or eventually, are you going to want to be promiscuous? Like, you know what I mean? Like, there's certain behaviors that I. That I notice in people, and I'm like, is that how they are going to be if they were in a monogamous container with me? Right. Like, I don't know. And I'm not saying. I'm not saying yes or no. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I'm just. It's something I think about.
• 29:42
  Speaker B: Right. That's a fair question. And I think I. I am one of those people. I can be very promiscuous when I'm single. And I think that does scare a lot of people, especially if you develop that reputation. You know someone. Oh, yeah, that's that. That guy who's on Grindr. That's the guy who goes to the bathhouse or that's like, I was always talking about sex or whatever it does. It will. I understand that that will scare some people away, and I have had that happen, actually. But what I will say is then, you know, for other people who are willing to give that a chance, that, to me, that just endears me more to them. Yeah. I mean.
• 30:22
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 30:22
  Speaker B: Yeah, yeah.
• 30:24
  Speaker A: And I do believe also love can change people. So if they fall in love, like, it completely can pull them away from that, you know, so it's. Again, it's time will only tell.
• 30:33
  Speaker B: I dated. I dated someone who, when we dated, it was just like, oh, my gosh, everyone else just doesn't matter anymore. You're the only one I want to. So, yeah, it could change. And that's just it, I think. But, you know, we're all different. That's the thing. I know that I can be very, it's that Gemini energy.
• 30:51
  Speaker B: I can play in many different pools. And I think for some people, that can be very overwhelming and scary because it might come across as not, like, stable. But for other people, they can think that's very exciting and fun and adaptable. Right. It really depends on you and what you're looking for and what your values and needs truly are.
• 31:08
  Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. Which is why it's choosing the right partner.
• 31:12
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 31:13
  Speaker A: You know, like, a lot of the work in, in doing relationship work with people and is helping them fix their picker. Right. It's like, because our picker is the thing we usually pick from our nervous systems. And if our nervous system's in an unfamiliar or in a familiar pattern of dysfunction, then we're going to attract. That we're going to attract avoidance, we're going to attract anxiousness. We're going to. Right. So it's really fixing that part of our nervous system to, to being able to choose from a calmer place and we end up attracting calmer energy when we're from. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's just some, some of the other things I, I, I, you know, how do I know when I'm ready to mingle? I start to envision myself. I'm very imaginative and I have a strong, like, visual sense. So I will envision, you know, this person. And I have this, they have this image. But it's so interesting. There's no facial features on this image that I have. It's like an outline. It's, I've always had this, ever since I was even young, of, like, how this person looks and walks and is. And I don't know, it's interesting. So I start to envision that. And I guess, yeah, there's an openness, like an openness within me. My heart starts to open to, like, new experiences and I'm like, more curious, these sorts of things. So. Yeah. And actually, I will say this too. My social life is often thriving because if I'm in lone wolf energy, I'm not putting myself out there. And I can go into that and I can spend a year, years in lone wolf energy and not want to be around people. But when my social life feels fuller and I'm putting myself out there, then I'm more likely to feel also open to dating. Yeah.
• 32:42
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 32:44
  Speaker A: And it's also healthy for me because then I won't lose myself in the relationship if I have other things going on.
• 32:48
  Speaker B: Do you, do you meet people in real life or do you Stick with apps.
• 32:52
  Speaker A: I don't really go out into in gay settings here because the gay settings, they're just not really my vibe. It's, it's loaded with drinking and partying and things like that. I just, it's just not, it's not it. But I, so I've joined a hockey team so that, and you know, like we all do activities and stuff and go out for that. So yeah, I will do that. But yeah, I don't go to the clubs, I don't go to the bars, I don't do any of that. So I'd like to find things that I can do that would have more, more gay men that I can connect with. I think would be good.
• 33:23
  Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 33:25
  Speaker A: All right. Yeah, I would love to hear from people on YouTube. So how do you know when you're ready to mingle? What's, what are some of the signs that you get when, when you're ready to put yourself back out there? And we have a, we have a whole streamline of, in our coaching collection, the Gaiman's brotherhood coaching collection or the Gaiman going deeper coaching collection on relationships and dating. And this is a collection of 45 premium personal development coaching videos as well as our two courses, Building Better relationships and, and healing your shame. So all this is going to be really, really relative to this topic. If you are somebody who's hesitant to put yourself out there, there's a lot of fear stuff around rejection, shame, these sorts of things. This coaching collection would be a perfect resource to start to prepare you mentally, get you into the right mindset to start putting yourself out there into the dating pool again. So if this is something you're interested in, you can go to gaymengoingdeeper.com and, and get more information about our coaching collection over there. All right, last question. So what would you like to experience? Let's plant little seeds of, of desire into the universe around what we want to manifest. So what would you like to experience this time around? When it comes to dating or finding.
• 34:37
  Speaker B: The right person threw me off with this question. Was the this time around? Because.
• 34:42
  Speaker B: I would just say more of the same. Like I've got a, I've got a really good track record with guys that have been my long term partners and I've been blessed. The way that I see it is I don't have that, you know, childhood high school sweetheart love of like, love that last lifetime kind of love story, but I do have this amazing anthology of love stories. And yeah, I think that that's, that's to me, just so such a rich way to look back at the. At the loves of my life. And they're all different. They're all. They're all different, but equally beautiful in their own way. And so I expect nothing less than just another great love story. Whether I don't know how long it'll last, obviously whether it lasts till I die or, you know, just a few years or just a few months even. I love my little love stories and, and they're so nice to look back on. So I would say I would be looking for more of the same. What is different, though? Because I. I did want to honor your this time around bit is previously I put a lot of emphasis on, like, chemistry and like that attraction, like the immediate, like, oh, that guy. Like, ooh, I want him. Which I still do obviously need to have some attraction in that. But I, I have used the motto butterflies, yes, ulcers, no. So if you feel butterflies in your tummy, that's nice. I don't want to get a fucking ulcer from this man, from all of the, the anxiety and worry and chasing and like. Does he? Doesn't he. Oh, my go. All that nonsense. I don't want that. So butterflies, yes. Ulcers, no. And for me, the difference, I think, for me is that that that energy needs to be calmer than maybe what I'm used to.
• 36:22
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 36:22
  Speaker B: Comfortable, a lot more easy, maybe slower and simpler. I think historically I've been very drawn to, like, that fire that the who wouldn't be right fire. But I've learned that that doesn't always work out for me.
• 36:38
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 36:38
  Speaker B: And for something that's going to last, something that's going to settle into something nice and feel comfortable and feel at home and feel peaceful in my nervous system, I do still need a bit of butterflies. I don't need the big fireworks. So that's, That's a bit different. Chemistry over chaos would be the difference.
• 36:54
  Speaker A: Yeah, that's a big one. That's a really big one. It's, it's. And that's what I mean about the nervous system patterns coming together. It's like when you have two people that are playing out past nervous system stuff from attachment wounds.
• 37:06
  Speaker B: It's.
• 37:06
  Speaker A: They're confusing chaos and chemistry with compatibility and love and those two things. Right. It's like there's a. There's not enough maturity or capacity in the nervous system to hold love at that point. So they're just playing out the same patternings. Right. And I'm guilty of that for sure. And it's almost like it's hard for it not for that not to happen when there's physical attraction and there's dopamine and serotonin and oxytocin flooding our brains, and it almost becomes addictive. Right. Which is again, another reason why I don't like the honeymoon phase. It's too scary. There's too much stuff. I feel, like, out of control. And it's just. It's just. Yeah, it's. It's too much for me. And maybe that also lends itself to the neurodivergent piece, because I know for people that are neurodivergence, like, limerence is not the same experience.
• 37:52
  Speaker B: Right.
• 37:52
  Speaker A: And even people with adhd, like, there's. There's something that happens in their brain when there's. When there's a lot of dopamine in a connection, that they can almost become ruminative and addicted and compulsive within the relationship. And I can be like that, and it scares me. And I love your point on butterflies over ulcers because, yeah, like, I've given myself. I got. Ended up developing. About 10 years ago, I developed Adrenal Fatigue, like bad stage 2 Adrenal Fatigue because of really bad rumination from a relationship. He was very avoidant, and I was. I became very anxious in the relationship, and I. Yeah, I ended up developing physical issues because there was too much anxiety for me in the relationship.
• 38:34
  Speaker B: So.
• 38:34
  Speaker A: Calm is actually one of the most potent indicators. If your nervous system feels calm with somebody, follow that. If your nervous system feels chaotic with somebody, don't follow that. That can be. That's, like, the best advice that I've ever heard and, like, can give to the audience is just, chaos is not a good thing to follow.
• 38:54
  Speaker B: It's not love. It's not love. It might feel like it in some misguided way, but it's not. Love is safe and calm. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 39:04
  Speaker A: You're likely playing out a mummy or a daddy wound if you are following chaos.
• 39:09
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 39:09
  Speaker A: And sometimes we need that. Sometimes that we need to call that in. We need to actually get the wound activated and we need to go through all that crap to heal.
• 39:17
  Speaker B: Right.
• 39:17
  Speaker A: So I'm not saying, like, if you. If you do that, there's no shame. And you can look at it as a lesson. Learn, learn. But if you want to save yourself some scarring, then for sure, follow calm, not chaos.
• 39:27
  Speaker B: My, My, my guilty part of that is the chaos for me is chasing. And that's been my, you know, the unavailable man Kind of thing. Like. Or someone who's hard to get or someone just, just that is. I. It's very easy for me to fall into that. I know my pattern. I know why it's there. We don't need to get into that here. But for me, I'm like, I, I'm attracted to it. And then like, my dick is like, oh, yeah, that's what we want. I'm like, wait a minute. No, that's not what I want. Like, you have to kind of override that initial instinct. And that's, that's the pattern that I see. Play with myself in terms of what chaos looks like. I'm not saying, like, chaotic is his personality. No, no, no. I'm saying, like, the chase of it is chaotic. He's not clear with me. He kind of plays hard to get. He breadcrumbs me. I will fall for that guy very quickly. My nervous system will fall for that very quickly. Say like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We're not doing that. Yeah, where am I going there?
• 40:18
  Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. Smart, smart. We have to have our, our higher self override that program because sometimes our nervous system tricks us and. Yeah, or actually, I shouldn't say that. Our nervous system doesn't trick us. I think we trick ourselves. Our ego will interpret our nervous system through trickery. Our nervous system is actually the thing that is communicating to us constantly. Right. It's like our intuition. It's. It's telling us. Okay, something doesn't feel quite right here. So. Yeah. Do you feel complete with the question or is there more there for you?
• 40:50
  Speaker B: What was the question again?
• 40:51
  Speaker A: What would you like to experience in dating?
• 40:53
  Speaker B: Basically, the word that I love, that I love to use when I'm on dates or meeting people is co creation. I think that's really what I'm looking for, like, more than dating, more than, you know, a relationship. But that, that word just lights me up. And if it lights you up, then we should talk. But that, that concept of co creation is really beautiful to me because it is building something real. It's creating together. I love creating, you know that, you know, I'm not someone. I'm not afraid of having big dreams, big goals, and I'm not afraid of anyone else's big dreams or big goals. In fact, I'm like your number one cheerleader, as my exes will always tell you. One thing that they say about me is that I'm the biggest cheerleader and encourager of their dreams and goals. But, I mean, that's very much Me. So I love big ideas, I love big conversations, I love big discussions. I just love that stuff. So I'm not afraid of that. And I want the partner who also isn't afraid of that, isn't afraid to co create because it's a big word. It's like life word. And have this concept of like, we're in it together. Like, yes, you have your stuff and I have got my stuff, but we're in this journey together and I will support you and you will support me and we're gonna go out and slay in our own. In our own race and you're gonna come. We're gonna come home to each other and like, just be with each other and share the. Share the good, share the best parts and also share the worst parts and hold each other through that. It's kind of like this us against the world vibe that I love. Yeah, that's what I want.
• 42:20
  Speaker A: I literally could just say yes, that's. That's what I want. Such a perfect way to. To put it. I feel like. And there was a lot of things in this past container that I just co created that, that had that. And that's why it's like, it's kind of. There's a lot of grief around, like having to let this go. It was. Was such a be connection. And so, yeah, I think that I want more of that, but I want the spiritual peace to be aligned like that we're both spiritually seeking and we've both done some work on ourselves and we're like, we understand and know ourselves really well. I think that's a big piece. I need that in a partner and so we can grow together.
• 42:57
  Speaker B: Right.
• 42:57
  Speaker A: And that.
• 43:00
  Speaker A: He. I know that this person can stand on their own two feet and I can stand on my own two feet. And that he'll have his opinions and he'll disagree with me and he'll challenge me. Yes, that's like, important. I need that in a relationship, so I'm looking for that. But there's part of me right now, like in the single ready to mingle energy. I'm looking for fun, light. I would actually be okay with meeting a guy that creates a little bit of chaos in my nervous system and having sex and that's it. And just saying we're just gonna have sex and we're gonna be, you know, in that energy. Because if I can have a. If I can have that, I can't. I can as a demisexual. If I have that charge in that chemistry, I can have sex. With that person. Um, because I feel like I do, I would like to have more sex. It's something that I don't have enough of in my life because I don't really find guys that I'm super drawn to wanting to do that with. And if I could find more of that, then yeah, I'd love to call that in. There was one other thing that this notion of sharing ideas. I never realized how important this is to me in a relationship. And this is probably the sapiosexual part of me. I'm very much love sharing ideas and like just ping ponging back and forth and the thing I love sharing ideas with them about the most is co creation in the relationship. Like okay, where are we going to live? What kind of, you know, this do we want? What do we want here? And like there's a very co creative thing that happens in relationships and I always do this and this past relationship had this so nicely and we, it's almost like where we can co create the identity of us through sharing ideas and sharing like future and, and these sorts of things. So that's really important. I need a man who has capacity to do that and to commit and to prioritize the relationship and who's good with boundaries and all these things. So all these little seeds I'm planting universe, hear me, I want all these things. So yeah, that's. Yes, I'll put that on the cherry on the top of my sundae that I just created. I want my nervous system to feel calm with this man because I can't be in a relationship where the person makes my nervous system feel chaotic and anxious.
• 45:02
  Speaker B: Yeah. And if this sounds like you now to let you know that you can contact Matt at.
• 45:09
  Speaker A: Yeah, or me.
• 45:10
  Speaker B: Or me. Yeah, I would agree, I would agree with that. I think we're so similar. I think the one way that we're different is, is you're more on the demisexual spectrum than I am. I, I can play in the, in the sexual field without having an emotional connection. Of course I enjoy when there is one and it's very different to me. But I can easily have sex and hookups and whatever and it doesn't, it doesn't necessarily get in the way of my search for a partner. In fact, some of the people that I've met have been a hookup that are just like oh you, I feel very comfortable with you here and like do you want to stay and cuddle a bit? And oh yeah, sure, let's stay and cuddle. And the next thing you know, they sleep over and the next thing you know, we're doing something in the morning. I'm like, oh, yeah.
• 45:50
  Speaker A: Like, this was. Are we dating?
• 45:52
  Speaker B: Yeah. Or sometimes they, you know, it's just. It is what it is. It's just a one time thing, and I'm okay with that. That's the part about saying in the beginning, like, it's always such a surprise to him, like, oh, I was not expecting this person that I shared five words with on an app to suddenly be in my life. Like, yeah. For such a extended period of time. But, hey, you never know.
• 46:13
  Speaker A: Yeah. I have a question for you before we wrap up. We got three minutes.
• 46:17
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 46:18
  Speaker A: What would you do or how would you respond if you started dating this guy and you felt, like, really strong feelings from. You're like, yeah, like, I want to be with this person. But you ended up finding out that they had slept with your best friend?
• 46:29
  Speaker B: Oh, yeah, that's fine. I mean, where I live, in the circles that I run in here, like, it's. It's almost inevitable, especially with my friends. Yeah. I hope they're listening to that because I was. That was meant for them. Yeah. And I mean, like, it's just. But that's just the nature of where I live in the circles I run in. I mean, I'm in the Village. This is just. It wouldn't be surprise. And if it, if it was something that happened in the past, it's fine. I mean, my best friends now all have long term relationships, so there's. There's no issue there. I mean, at the end of the day, there's really nothing that we haven't seen or shared between me and my core group of friends. So. Yeah, not an issue. Yeah. Yeah.
• 47:07
  Speaker A: It depends on how long ago that's probably the biggest factor. If it was like a week ago, then, yeah, I'd probably wouldn't be okay with it. But if it was like in the past and it had. It had closed and there was closure around it, then, yeah, I wouldn't have an issue with it. Yeah.
• 47:22
  Speaker B: Yeah. I'm lucky that I've got a great group of friends and I. This happened last weekend we went out, was my first weekend back in the city, back in Toronto. So we went out and this guy that I had had a crush on for a very long time, he actually listens to this podcast you might be listening right now. You know who you are. He just broke up with his partner while I was away. And I was like. And my best friend's like, he's Single. Like, go for it. And, yeah, I did. And we did. And. And it was very, very nice. And I got to kind of confess that I've had these feelings for him, but I kept them to myself because I knew he was in a relationship and I'm not gonna be that guy. But my friend had actually hooked up with him previously, but it was totally fine. It was like, oh, yeah, whatever. Like, you go for it. I mean, that's just that. That's just the. The way that we roll.
• 48:03
  Speaker A: It's probably a lot different, too, in a city like Toronto where you have.
• 48:07
  Speaker B: Right.
• 48:07
  Speaker A: It's just different.
• 48:08
  Speaker B: Yeah. The pool.
• 48:09
  Speaker A: There are a lot more guys.
• 48:11
  Speaker B: Yeah, I mean, it's. It's. It's a small pool, though. Like, yes, there's lots. But, you know, and I've been here for a while. I mean, I've been around the block a couple times. So at this point, if I'm. If I'm seeking someone who. Like, if that's. If that's a requirement for me, it's really limiting me. But I will say this. Oddly enough, I haven't tried for this, but the guys that I've really fallen for, the guys that I've had the most success with. What, if you want to use that word, have been guys who are not even at all remotely in the scene. I found them completely outside of it, randomly, and that has been where I have had the most meaningful relationships. Not by choice. It just has happened to be that way.
• 48:49
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 48:49
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 48:50
  Speaker A: Interesting.
• 48:50
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 48:51
  Speaker A: I have a rule. So I've got. There's a handful of guys in the city that I'm really close with. They're, like, considered my best gay guy friends. And I have a rule that once they've dated somebody, like, that person's off limits. Like, I wouldn't go there unless it was years later and I actually asked them, hey, are you okay? If. Right. But I just. I'm not that kind of person. I would. I would feel too, like. Especially doing it behind their back, like, having sex with their ex or dating their ex or anything like that. It just feels, like, yucky to me. It's crossing something, a line that doesn't feel right for me.
• 49:20
  Speaker B: I think X is different than a hookup, though. Like, I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't date my best friends or a friend's exes, like, where they were actually in a relationship. That's. That's different. But, yeah, if they hooked up one time, I'm like, okay, whatever.
• 49:31
  Speaker A: Oh, yeah, totally.
• 49:32
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 49:33
  Speaker A: Because you wouldn't even really know, Right? Like, yeah, like my friends are telling me everyone they're hooking up with.
• 49:38
  Speaker B: Right? Yeah. But if it was an actual X where I knew they were together and they had a thing, then. No, no, that's. That's off limits.
• 49:43
  Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting. All the stuff. All right. Any closing comments from you, you can.
• 49:51
  Speaker B: Find me on Instagram at willismo. Coach, if any of this appeals to you, our information is in the show notes. Say hello.
• 49:58
  Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah. This was fun. It's nice to talk about this sort of stuff.
• 50:06
  Speaker A: And, yeah, thanks, guests, for coming on another journey with us, our listener viewers. Yeah, drop some. Some comments on YouTube. Let us know your thoughts about this episode and what got. What got activated for you in a positive or. Or a negative way.
• 50:23
  Speaker A: And just a reminder that this sound is. This channel is listener and viewer supported. If you enjoy what we're creating, you can support us by making a donation to the show and there's a link in the show notes, or you can tap the thanks button on YouTube. We also have the early access option on Apple where you can get early access to our episodes for a small monthly fee. And yeah, we'll hope to see you at our next connection Circle. Michael and I each host one per month, so come and join us there. And. And you can go to gay men's brotherhood.com for everything. Gay Men's Brotherhood. All right, much love, everybody.