Latest / Libido Lounge / The Link Between Infertility and Low Libido with Dr. Aumatma Simmons

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The Link Between Infertility and Low Libido with Dr. Aumatma Simmons · Libido Lounge

• 0:04
  Welcome to the libido lounge where we focus on all things love, lust, and libido.
• 0:09
  We believe that fabulous sex is important to health as exercise and good food.
• 0:23
  Hey, everybody.
• 0:24
  Welcome back to another episode of the lounge.
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  I'm your host libido expert, doctor Diane.
• 0:29
  And I'm so excited about introducing to you my friend, my colleague, another naturopathic
• 0:36
  doctor, doctor Amatma Simmons.
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  He's doing this amazing online event coming up talking about fertility and libido and how
• 0:45
  these things really intersect is what we're talking about today.
• 0:49
  Mhmm.
• 0:49
  So I'm so excited to have you, doctor Imatma.
• 0:51
  Thank you for joining me.
• 0:52
  Thanks for having me, doctor Diane.
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  Well, let's jump in.
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  So because we love to talk about libido on the lounge, can you tell us initially some of the
• 1:03
  things you see kinda relating libido to infertility?
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  And I think, you know, connecting some of the thing that we see around this vicious cycle
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  that people get in.
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  Right?
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  Where it's like, okay.
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  We're trying to conceive and maybe it's hard.
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  And then all of this pressure goes on sex, and it goes on intimacy in the relationship.
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  So
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  Mhmm.
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  Can we just dive in?
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  Just let's get right to it on talking a little bit more about that that vicious cycle that
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  people get into.
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  Yeah.
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  I I feel like a lot of people go into fertility thinking it's gonna be fun and exciting, and
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  we're gonna have lots of sex.
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  And then they get into the reality.
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  And the reality is what we're being told is that we should time our sex, that we should
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  only do every other day during the fertile window.
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  We're because of the pressure of it, it becomes almost the antithesis of what we want, which is
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  this easy, fun, lively experience, and then, boom, we're in the fertility world.
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  And everyone's transition is different.
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  Right?
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  Like, some people go into it and they're like, oh, we're gonna have fun, and we have all this
• 2:28
  energy, and we're, like, we're having fun, and we're doing this.
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  And that energy will last last max twelve months max.
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  And that's literally the amount of time that doctors want you to be trying before they will
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  do any testing.
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  So the problem is it's almost a conflict of interest because doctors are like, well, try
• 2:52
  for twelve months.
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  And in reality, people knew going into it that the max amount of time and bandwidth and kind
• 3:01
  of energy that I can put into this is about twelve months, you would wanna be doing things
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  way sooner as far as testing and understanding what's happening.
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  And are there any blocks?
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  And should we work on stuff?
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  Because if your timeline is twelve months, you're really setting yourself up for failure
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  if you don't get pregnant in those twelve months.
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  Because now every month after that point where you've reached your internal limit is gonna be
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  extra.
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  It's gonna be, oh my god.
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  I can't do this.
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  I can't do this anymore.
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  And it's both partners.
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  Right?
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  Like, we often assume, oh, it's always the the women that are giving up and don't really wanna
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  have sex and all that.
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  No.
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  In this case, it it often fill flips the script.
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  And, honestly, I feel like men have a shorter bandwidth than women.
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  Right?
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  They're like, I don't wanna feel this pressure for twelve months.
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  I don't even know if I wanna feel this pressure for three months.
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  So you'll feel like the male partner is kind of disengaging and is finding himself being
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  distant and is like, oh my god.
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  Here she goes again.
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  Like, calling me at work, trying to come home and have sex.
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  Like, it's just not what I wanna be doing with my time.
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  So it and it's not that they don't wanna have a child.
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  They just don't wanna do it under this circumstance of pressure.
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  And I'm on her timeline, and she I'm, like, at her beck and call.
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  You know?
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  And yeah.
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  So there's just so many, like, contradictions that I feel like if we cleared up the
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  misconceptions from the beginning and if people had more awareness about what they're getting
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  into, the pressure just wouldn't be there.
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  And we would have a whole different dynamic in our sex lives if we didn't have that pressure.
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  Yeah.
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  You're I love this intro to this conversation because, obviously, we're talking about
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  fertility here.
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  And, also, I think this is just so easy to, like, extrapolate out and be like, oh, this is,
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  like, fertility or not fertility.
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  Sometimes this is just what happens with, you know, with libido and with intimacy in general
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  is, like, various things in life put pressure on or performance on and
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  Yeah.
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  You know, and things change.
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  But my question question for you is this, because one of the things I talk a lot about in
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  my work and then on this podcast is the concept of scheduling sex around, like, even, say, post
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  having children or just being busy.
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  Right?
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  It's so easy for that novelty dopamine and all those feelings of young love to wear off.
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  And then without prioritizing sex in some ways, like scheduling it like our gym time
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  Mhmm.
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  Oftentimes, then it's, it doesn't happen.
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  Right.
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  So my curiosity is, like, interesting of, like, okay.
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  So scheduling sex, and we do this in a way when we're not trying to conceive in a way of, like,
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  fun, you know, and playful and prioritizing.
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  But it's interesting then that oftentimes, like, what I'm hearing is, like, when we
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  schedule it because of trying to conceive and needing to meet that ovulatory window, then all
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  of a sudden, that schedule becomes pressure.
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  So is there my question for you is, like, is there, like, a mindset shift that people can
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  begin to make to still, you know, have to find that, of course, you know, that ovulatory
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  window if we are having, you know, non, help with, like, IVF or any of those other
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  mechanisms, you know, needing to find that I ovulatory window to conceive, can we do that
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  and schedule that and switch our minds so that it becomes almost like this scheduled sex
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  that's done in this playful way without that intention.
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  Yeah.
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  I I feel like the biggest shift is, like, a small shift, and that shift is instead of
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  scheduling sex, schedule intimacy.
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  Schedule, like, we're gonna be naked and sexy together, and it may or may not be sex.
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  It may be just like playing or flirting or, like, cuddling or whatever.
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  There's so many things besides sex that can lead to sex, but they don't have to.
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  And I feel like that's the big one, is the we have to have sex.
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  And I feel like our culture has created this pressure, but science is not it was not based
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  in our physiology.
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  Right?
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  Like, if you have sex during your fertile window, and I define that by actually, like,
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  multiple days before you ovulate, if you're having sex in that window, somewhere in that
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  window, and you've optimized the egg and optimized sperm health, the sperm are gonna
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  stick stick around for five or six days.
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  Matter of fact, they're gonna be more available if you had sex before your egg was released
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  because they need to swim all the way upstream and find that egg.
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  So if they're hanging out there already, it makes it a lot easier.
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  A lot, lot, lot easier.
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  So, really, like, if you're during that window, you don't have to be like, oh my god.
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  It's positive.
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  It's positive.
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  It's positive.
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  LH is positive right now.
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  And it's like, okay.
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  Really, like, let's back off.
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  And if the sperm are there, they're gonna be there.
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  It's okay.
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  Like, there's no pressure.
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  And, like, the number of times, I would say the majority number of times that women will come
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  back after everything is optimized, the number of times couples come in, and they're like, we
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  didn't even expect to get pregnant in this cycle because we didn't actually have sex when
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  she was ovulating.
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  And I'm like, yeah.
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  But you had sex three days before that.
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  So all good.
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  You're pregnant.
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  And they'll and they'll try to fight it.
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  They'll be like, oh, but no.
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  Like, it couldn't have happened that time.
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  And it's always the case.
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  And, like and I say always in, like, not every single time, but a lot of the times, that's the
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  majority of our stories.
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  And I feel like it's because there wasn't the pressure.
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  It's because, oh, we're feeling we're feeling each other, and we're wanting to be intimate,
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  and it's that's driving the sex equation more than it's the right time.
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  Right?
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  And it's like yeah.
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  So if we can just separate those two, we get a lot more.
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  And then it once those are separate, then really we're focused on, okay, like, what are
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  the things that are gonna help build intimacy?
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  What are the things that we talked about this on, in your interview, the oxytocin.
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  Like, what's gonna get that oxytocin release?
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  How do we get that bonding going?
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  Or how do we get that oxytocin in men is amazing for sperm health.
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  Like, let's get you oxidized.
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  Oxitocized.
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  I don't know what the word is.
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  We're gonna work on that.
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  Yeah.
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  That would be cool.
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  So if we can really focus on something different, something else besides the sex, the
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  physical act of sex, then everything else that comes after is bonus.
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  It's like, we're not focused on that.
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  We don't even care if you have sex.
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  And they're like, what?
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  We need to have sex if we're gonna have a baby.
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  Yes.
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  But your body knows what to do.
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  Yeah.
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  And you're, like, if you're in tune, if you're feeling connected, if you're feeling that
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  emotional bond, you couldn't wanna have sex.
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  Like, sex is the outcome of that.
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  It's not the action that creates the intimacy.
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  And I know it's a little different for men.
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  Like, men need physical sex to feel connected.
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  But I think that driver for the desire for connection is not gonna be pressure.
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  Like, you're not gonna pressure your man into wanting to have sex with you.
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  Like, it just doesn't work that way.
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  And if you do wanna pressure him, seduce him, don't force him into it.
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  Right?
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  Like, pressure him.
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  Like, if you leave his house, he'll never have a child.
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  Like, that's not gonna help him feel sexy.
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  Right.
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  Yeah.
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  Yeah.
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  That is super useful.
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  Yeah.
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  And I I appreciate what you're saying too.
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  I've been calling, like, sex dates.
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  I've actually been calling them intimacy escapades and, you know, talking about, like,
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  this isn't just about sex.
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  It's about intimacy.
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  It's about you know, you have your emotional intimacy escapade.
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  You have your cuddle intimacy escapade, and you can have your sex intimacy escapade.
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  But
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  Mhmm.
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  Yeah.
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  So much of what I hear in that too is like, alright.
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  So if it is, you know, in this ovulatory fertile window time period, even if it's days
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  before, you know, some days after, and you, you know, you are trying to conceive, can you even
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  set that time but take the pressure off and just be like, pretend that this is just like a
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  normal intimacy escapade.
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  Right?
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  And flirt and tease and do all the fun things, and and eventually, you'll get there.
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  And wear the sexy lingerie.
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  Yeah.
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  And do do the things that you would do when you first met.
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  Right?
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  Like, when sex was still hot, do those things.
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  Because I feel like it's it's really easy to get into the groove of, like, oh, we just need
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  to have sex.
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  Like, just have sex.
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  Just come on.
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  Just do it.
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  And, like, that just feels it doesn't feel good ever.
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  But specifically around fertility, it's not great.
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  The other thing that I found really helpful is for women to stop monitoring their ovulation
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  and let the partner do it instead.
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  And the male partner in charge of monitoring the fertile window, they're really good at it.
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  Once they learn how to do it, they're really good at it.
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  And it puts him back in his masculine driver's seat to initiate sex.
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  So now she's no longer the one that's like, time's ticking.
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  Let's go.
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  Now is the time.
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  Instead, he is initiating, and he doesn't need to mention anything about your it's your time.
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  Like, I just wanna have sets.
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  And I'm initiating it, and I'm in the driver's seat.
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  So now he's empowered to be in his masculine instead of the woman being in her masculine
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  while trying to be feminine.
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  I that is, I think, my favorite thing we've said today so far.
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  I love like like, there's so many layers of that.
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  Like you said, it's like not only taking the pressure off, but putting the man in his
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  masculine and giving him that power to provide and letting a woman soften into her feminine
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  and not have to worry and strut.
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  There's layers upon layers.
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  So ready.
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  But the gym, I love
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  it so much.
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  Yeah.
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  What about so are there any sort of, like, myths around fertility and and conception that
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  you feel like are really important to break down while we're having this conversation?
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  I think we've talked about quite a few of them, the ones specifically around sex.
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  And I think the timing piece is really key because I feel like we drive that home so
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  frequently.
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  You go to your OB.
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  The first thing you're gonna hear is, well, are you timing sex?
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  Yeah.
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  It's like the worst advice ever.
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  Like, should you only have sex when you have the LH surge?
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  That seems so ridiculous to
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  me.
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  Right.
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  And, like, it's putting all of your eggs into that one basket that is the LH surge.
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  And, unfortunately, LH surge doesn't always mean ovulation.
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  It is literally one hormone out of the many hormones that are happening.
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  So I think that's the first myth.
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  The second one is around the age piece, and I I think that that adds to the pressure.
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  It's the whole, like, oh, the latest is at 32, our fertility starts going downhill.
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  So it's not 35 anymore.
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  It's 32.
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  And you're too old.
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  Your eggs are too old.
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  It's like so many things around aging that we're just not a culture that likes aging,
• 15:48
  period.
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  But when it comes to fertility, we have all these myths that are truly myths.
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  The the idea that fertility declines at 35 came out of churches in France in the eighteen
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  sixties that observed that women were not coming in to get children baptized after the
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  age of 35.
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  So they created this idea that at 35, fertility must go to shit because women don't come in to
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  get their kids baptized after that age.
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  Wow.
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  Eighteen hundreds.
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  And, like, eighteen hundreds in France, what was happening?
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  A lot of stuff that was killing women before the age of 35.
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  So that's why or even around that much after 35.
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  So there's a whole, like, issue that I have with where that came from.
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  Science has actually not verified this.
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  Yeah.
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  Yes.
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  IVF outcomes tend to go down.
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  Yes.
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  Our hormones are shifting.
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  There's a yes.
• 16:48
  Yes.
• 16:48
  Yes.
• 16:48
  Yes.
• 16:48
  Yes.
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  I'm not the person that's gonna be like, oh, you can get pregnant in your fifties.
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  I'm not saying that.
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  I'm saying, like, be realistic, but really have an analysis that is based on your body and your
• 17:01
  hormones and your aging profile, your ovarian aging profile, which now we have tests for.
• 17:09
  So do that first instead of, oh, I'm 37, so now it's gonna be really hard for me.
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  Like, who knows what that I I was 30 I I got pregnant at 37 on our first try, and it was a
• 17:24
  first try, quote, unquote, after a year of prepping my body.
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  Right.
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  A year of him working on his stuff.
• 17:32
  Like, it wasn't like, oh, we magically got pregnant.
• 17:35
  It was literally like, let's click all of these things into place before we even start trying.
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  And my expectation wasn't that we got pregnant right away.
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  Like, I was like, oh, this is gonna be so hard.
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  You
• 17:49
  know?
• 17:49
  Like,
• 17:50
  stepping for those twelve months.
• 17:53
  But I think it really goes to say, like, if we're able to prep our body and we come out of
• 18:00
  this mindset of the age and I don't have enough time, and I'm running out of time.
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  So every cycle is that much more pressure.
• 18:13
  Right?
• 18:13
  That just adds to all of what we're talking about as far as pressure goes, and it it's just
• 18:18
  not worth it.
• 18:19
  So I think that's a really that's the second big myth.
• 18:23
  And the third one that's kinda mixed in with all of this is testing and really knowing
• 18:28
  what's happening with your fertility.
• 18:31
  Is your sex drive affect is is it a reflection of stress, or is it a reflection of hormones,
• 18:40
  or a little bit of both, which happens often?
• 18:43
  And being able to navigate that with without the shame and guilt and, like, anxiety around
• 18:52
  all of it, but instead being like, hey.
• 18:54
  Your testosterone is over converting to estrogen.
• 18:57
  That's a problem, and let's just do something about it.
• 19:02
  And it's okay that at at, like, the number of women that are like, you fixed my sex drive.
• 19:07
  I feel amazing.
• 19:09
  And it's, like, it's so simple sometimes.
• 19:12
  And it is it's gonna go a long ways in supporting your fertility because those
• 19:19
  hormones are interdependent, and they're they're influencing what's happening in your
• 19:27
  body through every part of the fertility cycle.
• 19:31
  We don't talk about it often, but testosterone increases two to three days before estrogen
• 19:37
  spikes before the l eight surge.
• 19:39
  Right.
• 19:39
  So the instant like, if your sex drive, your cervical fluid, and your ovulation surge are
• 19:48
  all synced, that's optimal fertility.
• 19:52
  Yes.
• 19:52
  Right?
• 19:53
  Like, all of it is happening in sync in synchrony with each other.
• 19:59
  That's telling me you are in an optimal state because all of your hormones have clipped into
• 20:05
  place.
• 20:06
  And very infrequently when people have that, do they not get pregnant?
• 20:12
  But if they don't have that or if they're trying to override it, the number of women that
• 20:16
  are like, oh, I don't ever have cervical mucus.
• 20:19
  Like, yeah, that's a problem.
• 20:20
  Yeah.
• 20:22
  We're not gonna just shove that under the rug and move on.
• 20:25
  It's like, that's a major indicator that things are not quite where they should be, and we can
• 20:31
  do something about it.
• 20:33
  Well, that's why I'm so excited about your upcoming Beyond Infertility Summit is because I
• 20:38
  know this is, like, you know, only, like, the tip of the iceberg.
• 20:41
  Like, what's what we're gonna be talking about.
• 20:43
  Right?
• 20:43
  So it's, like, you know, the hormones, the cervical mucus, all these things and and and
• 20:48
  and and and.
• 20:49
  And I and I wanna make sure that everybody knows that this this is a online event that
• 20:54
  doctor Matt must know.
• 20:55
  It's coming up basically about a week from when you guys are listening to this.
• 21:00
  So there'll be information in the show notes about how to register.
• 21:04
  And I I would really encourage people.
• 21:06
  Remember, it's called Beyond Infertility because we're gonna be talking about I'm gonna
• 21:10
  be on there talking about libido.
• 21:12
  We're gonna be talking about all sorts of different things beyond infertility.
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  It's also about your health, your well-being, these sorts of things.
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  So even if you're like, well, it's not really where you're at right now as far as
• 21:23
  infertility, there's gonna be so many gems that you will pick up like like we did today.
• 21:28
  Is there anything else you wanna let people know about as far as that event is concerned?
• 21:33
  I love it.
• 21:34
  It's gonna be free.
• 21:36
  It's 49 plus experts just like doctor Diane, and there's, like, master class series going
• 21:45
  alongside of it.
• 21:46
  There's just so much that we have spent time building.
• 21:51
  It's it's gonna be incredible, and it's just a big old party.
• 21:56
  Yes.
• 21:56
  Yeah.
• 21:57
  Come on over.
• 21:58
  Yes.
• 21:58
  Come party with us.
• 21:59
  That's right.
• 22:00
  We're gonna have so much fun.
• 22:01
  And I wanna also encourage you guys, please remember that the end of this year, we're
• 22:06
  inviting our top guests back for a longer, deeper dive.
• 22:11
  So if you love this conversation, make sure you take extra effort to send it to your friends,
• 22:16
  to download it, to share it, because that's going to rate doctor Amatma high, and then I
• 22:21
  get to invite her back for more time.
• 22:23
  So
• 22:24
  Oh, that's fun.
• 22:27
  That's fun.
• 22:28
  Yeah.
• 22:28
  Super fun.
• 22:29
  And thank you so much for being here with me and with us today.
• 22:32
  It's been always, just like always, a pleasure and a joy chat chatting with you.
• 22:36
  Likewise.
• 22:37
  Thank you.
• 22:38
  And thank you everybody for listening.
• 22:40
  Remember, everything you need to know about working with doctor Ramatma as well as her
• 22:45
  upcoming beyond fertility beyond infertility event is in the show notes for you.
• 22:50
  And this is doctor Diane reminding you to always stay classy, always stay sexy, and
• 22:56
  always remember to be a little badassy.
• 22:59
  We'll see you next time.
• 23:00
  Thank you for listening to the libido lounge.
• 23:03
  Please don't keep me a secret.
• 23:04
  Please share this with your friends.
• 23:06
  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylabidodoc.com.