Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 626: Is Your Ex's Text A Breadcrumb or Significant?

Transcript

Episode 626: Is Your Ex's Text A Breadcrumb or Significant? · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:00
  Hi, this is Lucia with The Art of Love.
• 0:02
  I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
• 0:05
  you get your ex back or to get over your ex.
• 0:08
  This week I want to talk about significant and insignificant
• 0:12
  messages you may get from your ex when you are in no contact.
• 0:16
  People are still confused about which messages they should
• 0:20
  respond to, so let's talk about it.
• 0:24
  But first, I want to welcome back my beautiful No Contact
• 0:27
  army. Please be sure to download my
• 0:29
  app Silencio to help you stay in No contact.
• 0:32
  The link is underneath every single video and podcast.
• 0:35
  And if you too would like to join our no contact army, all
• 0:39
  you have to do is hit the subscribe button and the bell
• 0:43
  notification and you're in. And to read our manual, go to
• 0:46
  nocontactsecrets.com where you can read two free chapters
• 0:50
  before you purchase the book. And of course, the link is
• 0:53
  underneath every video and podcast.
• 0:56
  So when it comes to understanding what is a
• 1:01
  significant message, you know, obviously I'm not going to know
• 1:05
  what your ex is going to say. So I can't say yes, respond to
• 1:08
  this, don't respond to that. It's more the spirit of the
• 1:12
  message, the meaning behind the message.
• 1:15
  Are they humble? Do they express regret?
• 1:19
  Or is it just about them? If they're humble and they
• 1:23
  express regret, then you can respond.
• 1:26
  And if they don't then there's no point because they may just
• 1:30
  be phishing to see if you're still going to respond to them
• 1:34
  if they reach out or because you're in no contact and they're
• 1:38
  surprised. So they want to make sure they
• 1:40
  have access to you. And you know, sometimes even
• 1:43
  when they do say something significant they may back away.
• 1:48
  So don't feel guilty about not responding because if they do
• 1:51
  want you back, they are going to reach out again.
• 1:56
  So let's go over some messages. OK, so this person says maybe
• 2:05
  you can clarify something. I'm confused about.
• 2:07
  I get not responding to insignificant messages, right?
• 2:10
  But should I actually open the message and show them that I
• 2:13
  read it and then not respond or just don't open the message and
• 2:17
  ignore it all together? Great question.
• 2:19
  I'm sure everyone has this question.
• 2:21
  So what you can do is you can wait a few days and then open it
• 2:28
  and then not respond. Or you can wait a few hours and
• 2:34
  open it and not respond. I do suggest that you open it
• 2:39
  because otherwise they're going to think that you didn't get it,
• 2:42
  that maybe they're blocked. So you want to show them that Oh
• 2:45
  yes, I got your message, but I'm not responding.
• 2:50
  OK, this one says OK After two months of no contact, she texted
• 2:54
  me. Hi, I got admission into a
• 2:56
  prestigious university for higher studies, hoping for the
• 2:59
  best. Should I respond?
• 3:02
  No, this is not significant. She's not humble.
• 3:07
  She's not expressing regret. It doesn't seem like she wants
• 3:10
  to get back together. She's just reaching out to see
• 3:13
  if she has access or to get a response.
• 3:15
  So no, another one. Good morning.
• 3:20
  I hope you're well. Staying cool in this ridiculous
• 3:22
  heat. I didn't respond.
• 3:24
  It's been 49 days since we last saw each other and 46 since she
• 3:29
  broke up with me. She followed with, well, I guess
• 3:32
  you don't want to speak to me. I respect that.
• 3:34
  Just want to say have a happy birthday tomorrow.
• 3:36
  I still haven't responded. OK, so they're going to try that
• 3:39
  trick up. When you don't respond the first
• 3:42
  time, they might say, well, guess you're not responding to
• 3:44
  me because they want you to say, Oh no, no, no, I am responding.
• 3:47
  I was busy. No, you're right, I'm not
• 3:50
  responding and that's why I'm not even going to respond to you
• 3:52
  saying that I'm not responding. Now if she hadn't put those two
• 3:56
  messages together, I could have said to him that he could have
• 3:59
  responded to the happy birthday. But because she said you're not
• 4:03
  speaking to me and happy birthday, then it's like, no,
• 4:06
  don't respond. But if they reach out and they
• 4:07
  say happy birthday, you can respond with just a thank you.
• 4:13
  The next one says my ex said he didn't know what he wanted.
• 4:17
  I gave him space for six weeks. Then he reached out with I love
• 4:20
  you and I miss you and how are you doing?
• 4:23
  I took a day to respond. I asked him to prove it or to
• 4:26
  stop breadcrumbing me. He rang me, meaning he called
• 4:31
  and told me to move on. So even if it looks significant,
• 4:37
  you know when you hear I love you and I miss you, you think,
• 4:39
  oh, then maybe there's regret. But then he told her to move on,
• 4:44
  so maybe not. So it sounds like he thought
• 4:48
  that she would be easy to get back.
• 4:49
  And then when she showed that she had standards, it hurt his
• 4:52
  ego and he tried to get the power back.
• 4:56
  So I hope she didn't answer the phone.
• 4:59
  She didn't say if she did. Again, do not answer the phone
• 5:02
  in no contact because you don't know why they're calling.
• 5:05
  Even if they call 100 times, just put your phone on silent
• 5:09
  because if they really had something significant to say
• 5:13
  then they would leave a message or they would text.
• 5:16
  They're just trying to bully you into responding and you're going
• 5:20
  to make a mistake. When you pick up the phone
• 5:22
  you're going to be so surprised to be talking to them.
• 5:24
  It's so much easier to text because you can take your time
• 5:28
  and respond with well thought out responses.
• 5:32
  OK, this is a good one. So if your ex says do you still
• 5:35
  love me? This woman says.
• 5:38
  Or man, I always respond with It only matters that you love
• 5:41
  yourself. Perfect.
• 5:43
  Perfect. There's your answer.
• 5:44
  If they text you, do you still love me?
• 5:47
  What matters is that you love yourself.
• 5:50
  Yes. OK, My ex texted me.
• 5:54
  This will be the last message he's going to send.
• 5:56
  After ignoring his messages and calls for four days, he told me
• 6:00
  he hopes I'll be happy with someone else.
• 6:02
  I haven't responded. I'm on day eight of no contact.
• 6:08
  So I said he's bluffing, he's feeling anxious and is trying to
• 6:12
  get you to respond. 8 days is definitely not enough.
• 6:15
  And especially again, when someone announces what they're
• 6:19
  going to do, what or what they're not going to do, they're
• 6:22
  usually going to do the opposite.
• 6:23
  Otherwise, why do you need to announce it if you're never
• 6:25
  going to contact her again? Why do you need to announce it?
• 6:28
  He's trying to get a reaction and he's trying you to get you
• 6:32
  to respond because, Oh my God, he's never going to contact me
• 6:34
  again. Oh, I better respond.
• 6:36
  No. If someone says they're never
• 6:38
  going to contact you again, don't respond and they will
• 6:43
  contact you again, Trust me most of the time.
• 6:46
  And in fact, he says that she goes on to say you were right,
• 6:49
  Lucia. He called me multiple times
• 6:50
  today and I didn't answer. There you go.
• 6:55
  OK, the next one. OK.
• 6:58
  So if you get one of these messages today, there was a
• 7:01
  quote, UN quote, dirty message from him in the middle of the
• 7:04
  night about what he wants to do with me after six months of
• 7:08
  limited contact on business only, I did not respond.
• 7:12
  I'm not sure what to respond. The next day he sent an apology
• 7:15
  saying that he drank too much. I didn't respond to that either.
• 7:19
  And I said, yeah, those were not messages that you needed to
• 7:22
  respond to. Why would you even think you
• 7:24
  needed to respond? And she said, well, I wasn't
• 7:29
  sure if it was smart to totally ignore this and then communicate
• 7:31
  as usual as if I've not seen it. Yeah, you don't respond to
• 7:35
  messages like that, especially if they're sent in the middle of
• 7:37
  the night where there was a possibility that they are drunk.
• 7:41
  So you did the right thing. OK, This one says, my ex texted
• 7:46
  me and called me and said are you OK?
• 7:48
  I never responded. And then she said, well, it's
• 7:50
  never nice to ignore people. That was five months ago, the
• 7:53
  last time I heard from her. Well, guess what?
• 7:57
  In no contact you are going to ignore, because being nice is
• 8:01
  not going to get you your ex back, All right?
• 8:04
  The usual rules do not apply when you are in no contact.
• 8:07
  It's usually the opposite. And in fact, she obviously did
• 8:10
  not want to get back because five months went by.
• 8:15
  OK, so after three months, he sent a message to call him.
• 8:18
  Should I call him? No.
• 8:19
  Is that humble? Is that regretful?
• 8:22
  Like he's asking you to call him?
• 8:24
  If he was humble, he'd say, hey, I'd like to talk to you.
• 8:27
  Can you please call or never mind, can you please call me?
• 8:30
  I'd like to talk to you. When can we talk?
• 8:32
  Right, He's not going to make you call him, so no, I would say
• 8:39
  do not respond. And if it's important then he'll
• 8:42
  he'll reach out again. Another one My ex emailed me
• 8:46
  after a couple of weeks. I guess she means a couple of
• 8:50
  weeks of no contact suggesting we go for a coffee.
• 8:52
  But I was still mad and said no, he acted like a jerk.
• 8:55
  Now it's been a couple of months.
• 8:56
  Wrong or right move, Right move. You know, if you're still mad,
• 9:01
  going is not going to help. And then a couple of weeks, no
• 9:05
  contact. That's way too soon.
• 9:06
  He may have just been feeling separation anxiety and
• 9:10
  temporarily missing you. Because look, now it's been a
• 9:12
  couple of months, right? You would have gone for coffee
• 9:14
  for nothing, thinking that something was going to happen
• 9:16
  and then nothing was going to happen.
• 9:20
  He sent me a happy 4th of July gift after seven weeks, no
• 9:24
  contact. Well, he wants to know if he
• 9:26
  still, if he still has access to you.
• 9:28
  So it's, yeah, seven weeks. You're in that 6 to 8 week
• 9:32
  period when you might hear from them, You know, it really
• 9:37
  depends because they always reach out on the holidays.
• 9:41
  It depends. There's so many variables.
• 9:43
  This is why I say you need to get coaching, because it depends
• 9:47
  what the reason for the breakup was and if there's been breakups
• 9:52
  before and several other things. So sometimes you can, but if you
• 9:56
  do respond, just go, Oh, thanks. Happy 4th to you or whatever the
• 9:59
  holiday is, you know? And then you'll see.
• 10:02
  If they try to talk from there and meet up, then they might be
• 10:05
  interested. But if not then they just want
• 10:07
  to know if they have access to you.
• 10:10
  OK, I have a few more. So this woman says that she got
• 10:14
  a message that said a song came on Spotify.
• 10:17
  It made me wonder how you're doing.
• 10:18
  I hope life is going well anyway.
• 10:19
  I think of you often. A smile if you ever want to
• 10:22
  catch up. I'd be happy to.
• 10:25
  So this is tricky because maybe they want to get back together
• 10:34
  and they're just being cool. Or maybe they're not.
• 10:38
  So the only way to know is to ignore it.
• 10:42
  That's why I say to ignore definitely the first message,
• 10:46
  because you can only know what their intentions are through
• 10:49
  their actions. They're not going to.
• 10:51
  You can't just say, hey, what are your intentions?
• 10:54
  Why are you texting me? What are your intentions?
• 10:55
  Do you want to get? Do you want to get back
• 10:56
  together? You can't say that.
• 10:58
  And so you'll find out through their actions.
• 11:01
  And in fact, a client of mine, she got a significant message as
• 11:05
  a first message, which is very rare, where he expressed regret,
• 11:09
  but she decided she was not going to respond and I backed
• 11:14
  her up with that. I said OK, no problem, don't
• 11:16
  respond, And a few weeks later he sent a little insignificant
• 11:20
  message. Then he sent another little
• 11:23
  insignificant message. And then about five weeks after
• 11:27
  the original significant message, he finally sent another
• 11:32
  significant message expressing regret and wanting to get back
• 11:35
  together. And then she answered.
• 11:38
  See. So even if they send a
• 11:39
  significant message initially, if they really want to get back
• 11:44
  together, they're going to keep trying.
• 11:46
  OK, so the people that say, Oh, well, if I send a message and
• 11:50
  they don't respond, I'm going to move on.
• 11:52
  Well, you're saying that from your logical brain because right
• 11:55
  now you're not in that situation.
• 11:57
  So it's easy to be all cavalier and say, Oh yeah, I'm not, I'm
• 12:00
  going to just walk away if the next doesn't respond.
• 12:03
  But when you're in it and your emotions are involved and you're
• 12:06
  not thinking logically, it's the total opposite, You will try
• 12:12
  again. So if you're not sure whether to
• 12:16
  respond to a message or not, if you wonder if it's insignificant
• 12:21
  or significant, well, you can certainly post it below here on
• 12:24
  YouTube and I'll try to answer as many as possible.
• 12:27
  But as I said, it's the spirit of the message, the tone.
• 12:31
  Are they humble or are they making it just about them just
• 12:34
  talking about themselves? And it may take a bit of
• 12:38
  ignoring for them to finally get the message.
• 12:40
  Oh yeah. I better say something here
• 12:41
  because they're not responding. If they want you back, Trust me,
• 12:46
  they will do what they have to to get you back.
• 12:48
  I had a client who was ignoring his ex and she flew literally
• 12:54
  halfway around the world from Asia to New York.
• 12:58
  Is that halfway? And showed up at his door
• 13:01
  because he was ignoring her messages.
• 13:03
  All right, if someone really wants you back, don't worry,
• 13:07
  They will do what they have to. And if they're not putting in
• 13:10
  the effort and it's not escalating, then they just miss
• 13:13
  you. They're having separation
• 13:15
  anxiety, they're being nostalgic, but it doesn't mean
• 13:18
  they want you back. So if you would like my help
• 13:21
  personally to figure out whether you should respond to a text or
• 13:25
  not, or with other aspects of it in your ex back, you can contact
• 13:28
  me at theartoflove.net. The direct link is below Every
• 13:33
  single video and podcast. If you found this video helpful,
• 13:36
  please like, subscribe and share.
• 13:39
  If you're listening to this as a podcast, please rate and review.
• 13:42
  And finally, remember that love inspires, empowers, uplifts and
• 13:46
  enlightens.