Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 154: How to Process Emotions Using The RAIN Technique

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154: How to Process Emotions Using The RAIN Technique · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  My name is MaryAnn Walker and today we're going to be talking about how to emotionally process using the RAIN technique by Tara Brach.
• 0:31
  I absolutely love all of Tara's work.
• 0:33
  She is an amazing author and presenter.
• 0:36
  I highly encourage you to go and follow her.
• 0:38
  And I also kind of love that As I am recording this, it is currently raining, so let's talk about the RAIN technique and how we can use it to emotionally process.
• 0:49
  This RAIN technique, it is an acronym that stands for Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture, and it is a technique for mindfulness and self compassion, and it really does help with the emotional processing.
• 1:00
  It helps us to break free of patterns of self judgment, as well as an over identification with our emotions.
• 1:05
  If you are an empath or a highly sensitive person, you know exactly what I mean when I talk about over identifying as a specific emotion.
• 1:12
  So this kind of helps us to create a little bit of space between ourselves and the emotion that we're experiencing so that we can move forward more productively and more mindfully.
• 1:22
  There was a story circulating on social media recently where they were talking about the idea of a cup spilling over.
• 1:28
  So essentially it was a teacher asking a student, they said, okay, so imagine that you're walking around and you bump into somebody, what is it that you're spilling?
• 1:36
  And the student said, well, I guess since I have tea in my cup, I've spilled my tea.
• 1:41
  And the teacher said, yes, you will spill whatever it is that's in your cup.
• 1:45
  So if you have coffee in your cup, you'll spill coffee.
• 1:47
  If you have juice in your cup, you'll spill juice.
• 1:50
  But whatever is in your cup is what's going to spill when you get rattled.
• 1:53
  And likewise, when you get rattled in life, whatever it is that you are carrying, that's what's going to spill over.
• 1:59
  So if you were carrying anger, anger will come out.
• 2:01
  If you're carrying forgiveness, forgiveness will be what comes out.
• 2:04
  If you're carrying humor, humor will be what comes out.
• 2:07
  Whatever it is that you are carrying is what is going to spill out into the world when you get jostled.
• 2:13
  So I want you to notice for a moment what your own reactions are.
• 2:16
  What are your patterns of reaction?
• 2:18
  Because guess what?
• 2:18
  You can change your patterns.
• 2:20
  I remember when I had really young kids, I was very reactive.
• 2:24
  So when I would hear a big crash, my first thought was, what have you done?
• 2:29
  What did you do?
• 2:31
  And I had to be very mindful about, okay, what is that going to be creating for my child?
• 2:36
  Because if somebody yelled that out at me all of a sudden, I would be experiencing fear and anxiety and a desire to hide.
• 2:42
  And so I had to work to consciously change my own default settings.
• 2:45
  So I worked really hard to now make it so when I hear a crash, my first question is, Are you okay?
• 2:51
  And then I follow it up with, okay, what do we need to do to fix the problem?
• 2:55
  It's a very different approach than what have you done.
• 2:59
  It creates a very different emotional response.
• 3:01
  So sometimes we do have our default settings where we are going to be allowing things to spill out into the world that we don't necessarily want to consciously be putting out.
• 3:09
  But as we notice and observe what our default settings are, as we notice and observe what our natural reactions are, then we can consciously change them into something that is more supportive for the lives that we want to create as well as for the relationships that we want to create with those around us.
• 3:25
  So, not only can RAIN help with that, but it also helps us to build up our own personal emotional resilience.
• 3:30
  It helps us to build up our own self awareness and it supports healing by replacing criticism with compassion.
• 3:37
  The RAIN technique is super simple.
• 3:39
  We're going to get into it in just a moment, but it's especially helpful for the helpers and the healers and the highly sensitive people that listen here on the podcast because it can be really easy to.
• 3:49
  become consumed by other people's emotional states.
• 3:52
  And so RAIN can help us to differentiate self when we are experiencing that overwhelm, when we find ourselves being triggered by different situations.
• 4:00
  So first we're going to kind of break down what is RAIN?
• 4:03
  What does it look like?
• 4:04
  What does the acronym mean?
• 4:05
  And then I'm going to share a few specific examples about how you can apply it to your day to day life.
• 4:11
  So, first, then, R is for recognize.
• 4:14
  It's recognizing what is going on.
• 4:16
  It means consciously acknowledging the thoughts, the emotions, and the physical sensations in the present moment.
• 4:22
  It's practicing that presence and that self awareness.
• 4:26
  When we find ourselves emotionally triggered, we're activating our fight or flight response.
• 4:30
  And that means our prefrontal cortex has now gone offline.
• 4:33
  We are now reacting rather than acting consciously.
• 4:36
  So taking that time to come into the present moment and to recognize what's going on for us, what's happening for me and my body, what emotion am I experiencing, what thought is creating this emotion for me, it can really help us to kind of Keep that prefrontal cortex online and also help us to break free of any limiting beliefs or any reactionary behaviors.
• 4:57
  So for example, if you're feeling really anxious about an upcoming conversation, then take a little moment to recognize the tightness in your chest, the racing thoughts.
• 5:06
  Or the fear of rejection.
• 5:08
  Practice mentally noting what's happening for you by silently saying, Okay, this is anxiety.
• 5:13
  Give it a name.
• 5:14
  Notice what is happening for you.
• 5:16
  That, okay, I am experiencing anxiety.
• 5:18
  When I'm feeling anxiety, I feel a tightness in my chest.
• 5:21
  My throat feels constricted.
• 5:23
  It's harder for me to breathe.
• 5:24
  I can feel myself getting hot.
• 5:26
  Notice what happens for you when you are experiencing That anxiety.
• 5:31
  So, that's the R is just recognizing what is happening and being fully present with it and giving things a name.
• 5:38
  The A stands for allow.
• 5:39
  This is just allowing your experience to just be there.
• 5:43
  Just as it is.
• 5:44
  Once we allow things to be as it is, then we can change it.
• 5:48
  Oftentimes people struggle with the allowing because they think, no, but I don't want to feel anxiety.
• 5:52
  I don't want to experience depression.
• 5:54
  They're going to resist it.
• 5:55
  But what you resist persists.
• 5:57
  So practice even allowing just 90 seconds to see what it feels like in your body.
• 6:03
  I also want to remind you that your body is going to react very differently when you're saying yes to something versus when you're saying no.
• 6:09
  And this is something that Tara talks about in her book, Radical Acceptance.
• 6:13
  It's a great book.
• 6:14
  I'll link it in the show notes.
• 6:15
  But something she talks about is just practicing saying yes to your current experience so notice for yourself, if I am telling myself, no, don't be anxious.
• 6:23
  Don't be anxious.
• 6:24
  Don't be anxious.
• 6:25
  It's kind of like somebody telling you don't think about pink elephants.
• 6:27
  It's going to be.
• 6:28
  Oh no, now I can't think about anything but pink elephants, right?
• 6:31
  You're going to be focusing more on resisting the anxiety.
• 6:35
  But if you can say, yes, I am feeling anxious, you're not saying that, yes, I'm going to be experiencing anxiety forever, but you're just acknowledging that for right now, I am experiencing anxiety.
• 6:46
  For right now, I am feeling these sensations in my body.
• 6:49
  Yes, I am experiencing this.
• 6:51
  And just by acknowledging what is, it can help us to let go of that resistance.
• 6:57
  Allowing just means letting your thoughts or emotions exist without resisting them or without trying to fix them, and it helps to reduce that inner conflict.
• 7:06
  So for example, if self doubt arises, instead of pushing it away mentally, then you might whisper, it's okay.
• 7:12
  This is part of being human.
• 7:14
  This is going to pass.
• 7:16
  Right?
• 7:16
  Sometimes when we're struggling with allowing, it's because we have the assumption that today is forever.
• 7:22
  If I allow this, I'm going to be in this state forever.
• 7:25
  But the opposite is actually true.
• 7:27
  As you allow it, it can help you to move through it so that you can move into a more productive emotional state.
• 7:34
  So when a difficult emotion arises, just take a deep breath and tell yourself, I don't have to change this feeling right now.
• 7:40
  I can just acknowledge what is.
• 7:41
  Give it a name, acknowledge what it is that you're experiencing in your body, and just allow that emotion to be there, even if it's just for 90 seconds.
• 7:51
  Okay, I stands for investigate.
• 7:53
  So this is investigating with interest and with care.
• 7:57
  Investigation, it involves bringing curiosity into your experience.
• 8:01
  Curiosity is such a superpower.
• 8:02
  We really underrate the power of curiosity, but it's bringing curiosity into your experience rather than judgment.
• 8:09
  For a lot of us, our default setting is that self judgment.
• 8:12
  So see if you can recognize and allow that self judgment.
• 8:16
  Recognize, Oh, right now I am self judging.
• 8:19
  Once you recognize and allow it, then you can step into that investigative state and that curiosity as to, Oh, isn't that interesting that I'm judging myself instead of getting curious.
• 8:28
  Now you've switched into curiosity mode, which is significantly more empowering.
• 8:32
  So, for this investigative stage, then ask yourself, Okay, what is this emotion trying to tell me?
• 8:38
  What is coming up for me?
• 8:40
  Oftentimes, the messaging of the emotion is maybe not really conducive to the actual experience.
• 8:45
  So your body might be reacting on its default setting that, Oh no, I've been kicked out of the tribe.
• 8:51
  There is a saber tooth tiger coming to attack me.
• 8:53
  I'm out of the cave.
• 8:54
  I am exposed, I am not going to live through this right that's kind of what your body might be saying.
• 9:01
  But as you really sit with it and can introduce that curiosity and that investigation, then that's when you can bring your prefrontal cortex back online where your mind can say, okay, my body is reacting in a very significant way right now, but I can see that right now I'm safe.
• 9:16
  Right now, I'm just listening to this podcast.
• 9:19
  Right now I'm safe in my room.
• 9:20
  I'm actually all alone.
• 9:21
  Nobody's trying to hurt me, but that curiosity can help you to just experience a little bit more safety there.
• 9:28
  Journaling can also be really helpful here.
• 9:30
  It can help you to really think things through and take a moment to pause and really assess if what your body is telling you is actually true or not, if your thoughts are true or not.
• 9:40
  So journaling can be really helpful for that.
• 9:41
  Of course, coaching can be helpful for that.
• 9:43
  And also just placing a hand on your heart can help you to kind of just guide a bit more of that exploration.
• 9:48
  It's like approaching it like you would a friend, like, Hey, it's okay.
• 9:52
  I'm right here with you.
• 9:54
  Let's work through this together.
• 9:55
  It's helping you to step out of identifying as that emotion and instead be the one who is navigating the emotion.
• 10:02
  It's stepping into that empowered state.
• 10:04
  Okay, so then for the N, the N stands for nurture, and this is nurturing with self compassion.
• 10:10
  So this final step, then it's offering yourself that kindness and that care, just like you would if you were engaging with a friend.
• 10:16
  For example, if you're experiencing shame, then you can offer yourself some reassuring words.
• 10:21
  For example, okay, it's recognizing and allowing, right?
• 10:23
  Okay.
• 10:23
  Right now I'm experiencing shame and I also recognize I did the best that I could with what I had in the moment.
• 10:30
  I'd probably do things differently in the future and I could love myself enough to let myself change and to let myself grow.
• 10:36
  But I'm going to love myself right now that, hey, I really was doing the best that I could in the moment.
• 10:41
  So that's kind of just a brief overview.
• 10:43
  Now I want to give you some very specific examples about how to put this into practice.
• 10:47
  Okay, so remember it's recognize, allow, investigate, and nurture.
• 10:51
  So for this first example, let's imagine that you're feeling overwhelmed by someone else's emotions.
• 10:56
  So maybe you're just witnessing someone's emotional reaction and so you're having a reaction to it, or maybe you're an empath and you're literally feeling it.
• 11:03
  But first we're going to recognize, right, notice that you're feeling heavy, or drained, or emotionally charged after being around someone who is venting or who is upset.
• 11:12
  Then allow it.
• 11:14
  Instead of suppressing your feelings or immediately trying to fix the other person's emotion, just allow yourself to acknowledge that"this is a lot for me right now.
• 11:22
  I understand that they're going through a lot, and because I feel things so deeply, I can also acknowledge that this is a lot for me to navigate right now." Then you're going to investigate, ask yourself, is this emotion mine?
• 11:35
  Or have I absorbed somebody else's feelings?
• 11:37
  Is this that I need to learn how to emotionally process when somebody is upset because I feel a responsibility to fix it?
• 11:43
  What is it that's coming up for me?
• 11:45
  Take that time to really investigate what is going on.
• 11:48
  Maybe you're noticing.
• 11:49
  Okay.
• 11:50
  Well, where is it that I'm holding this in my body?
• 11:51
  Maybe you're noticing that you're carrying a lot in your shoulders or in your stomach, but kind of just use this as a curiosity space where you can get curious about what is coming up for me and then slide into that N for that nurture.
• 12:03
  Offer yourself the comfort by setting a boundary, by engaging in self care.
• 12:07
  You might say,"it's okay for me to step away for a moment so that I can recharge so I can show up as a better friend, as a better partner right now." and then you may want to follow up with a little bit more nurturing.
• 12:17
  So maybe you're doing some grounding practices or taking a deep breath or visualization, but through that investigation, you can figure out what is it that I need right now so I can show up as my best self.
• 12:28
  All right.
• 12:28
  Example number two, you're struggling to say no without guilt.
• 12:32
  Okay.
• 12:32
  This is so many of you.
• 12:33
  So listen up.
• 12:35
  So first of all, recognize what's coming up for you.
• 12:38
  Observe the tightness in your chest or the anxious thoughts that are running through your mind when you're asked to do something that you really don't want to do.
• 12:45
  Then, allow it.
• 12:46
  Instead of immediately agreeing out of guilt, pause for a moment and just acknowledge that, okay, well I feel really torn right now because I don't want to disappoint other people, but I also don't want to disappoint myself by taking on more than I can handle right now.
• 13:00
  Just allow yourself to feel that.
• 13:02
  Then, investigate.
• 13:03
  Ask yourself, what am I afraid will happen if I say no right now?
• 13:07
  By asking that question, you might uncover a deep seated fear of rejection or not being liked, but take that time to really investigate what is underneath this right now.
• 13:16
  And then nurture, remind yourself that saying no, it doesn't make me an unkind person.
• 13:20
  My needs are valid too.
• 13:21
  And my wants matter too.
• 13:23
  My energy level matters too.
• 13:26
  And you might even just place your hand on your heart as you say that and remind yourself that, no, I deserve to honor my own energy.
• 13:32
  My energy is important too.
• 13:34
  Okay.
• 13:35
  All right.
• 13:35
  Example number three, dealing with criticism or feeling unappreciated.
• 13:39
  Again, you're going to recognize, notice that sinking feeling in your stomach or the self critical thoughts that arise when someone criticizes you or overlooks your efforts.
• 13:49
  Then just allow it to be there instead of pushing away that discomfort.
• 13:53
  Acknowledge it.
• 13:54
  Acknowledge that this hurts and it's okay that it hurts right now.
• 13:58
  This is part of the human experience.
• 14:01
  Oftentimes when we're feeling like we've been criticized or that we're being unappreciated, we want to trick ourselves into thinking, I shouldn't experience those feelings.
• 14:09
  Right?
• 14:10
  But sometimes we want to feel those feelings.
• 14:12
  Those feelings can be very productive, actually, because they help us to recognize, okay, I am feeling unappreciated right now.
• 14:20
  I am feeling criticized right now.
• 14:21
  And we can use that as information as we step into that investigative stage to recognize, okay, what is it that I need right now?
• 14:28
  Do I need to set a boundary?
• 14:30
  So you might ask yourself, okay, why is this affecting me so much?
• 14:33
  Am I seeking external validation to feel worthy?
• 14:36
  And you might discover that there's some old wounds showing up there.
• 14:39
  You might discover that, okay, well actually this person is being quite rude.
• 14:42
  I do want to state a boundary there, but just allowing yourself to feel those emotions rather than judging them can help you to step into that investigative energy.
• 14:51
  And then nurture yourself, offer yourself that kindness, remind yourself that I am enough.
• 14:56
  Even if other people don't see my value, I am enough.
• 14:59
  You may want to even engage in self soothing actions like maybe journaling or listening to a favorite song that uplifts you.
• 15:05
  But take some time to nurture yourself and to give yourself that internal validation that I am enough.
• 15:11
  I am worthy.
• 15:13
  All right.
• 15:13
  And then my fourth example is coping with emotional burnout from helping other people.
• 15:18
  Again, recognize, notice that exhaustion, notice that irritability, notice that resentment when you've given too much, and then just allow yourself to feel it free of judgment.
• 15:31
  We oftentimes want to make ourselves feel even worse when we're feeling bad.
• 15:35
  So not only are we feeling burned out, but now we've also added self judgment on top of that because no, I shouldn't be feeling burned out because I'm the one that said yes.
• 15:43
  And now this is all my fault and what's wrong with me, right?
• 15:46
  So just allow it.
• 15:47
  Free of self judgment, remind yourself that, okay, I can see now that I've been overextending myself and it's okay that I feel this way when I've overextended myself.
• 15:56
  That's good information for me to have.
• 15:58
  Then you can investigate, what is it that I need right now?
• 16:02
  You might realize in that moment that, okay, I need a little bit of solitude right now.
• 16:05
  I need to practice saying no.
• 16:07
  I need a bit more fun and levity.
• 16:09
  I need a little bit more appreciation.
• 16:11
  Whatever it is that's coming up for you, just investigate that and identify your needs so you can be more proactive about getting that need met.
• 16:18
  And then nurture, give yourself permission to rest, give yourself permission to say no.
• 16:24
  You might tell yourself, taking care of myself, it allows me to show up more fully for other people later.
• 16:30
  And I can show up for them free of any resentment.
• 16:33
  A lot of people that I work with, they really want to show up for other people.
• 16:37
  But once that resentment creeps in, it makes it really hard to show up in the way that you want to.
• 16:41
  So it is a kindness to take that time to nurture yourself.
• 16:45
  So, just in summary, why is RAIN helpful for healing?
• 16:49
  It helps us to break patterns of self judgment and over identification with our emotions.
• 16:54
  It helps us to build emotional resilience and self awareness.
• 16:58
  It supports healing by replacing criticism with self compassion.
• 17:03
  So your challenge for this week is to try using this RAIN technique when you're feeling stressed or overwhelmed.
• 17:10
  And maybe even want to journal about your experience, write out the acronym and fill it in and notice if you have any shifts in how you relate to yourself and your emotions as you do this practice.
• 17:21
  And honestly, this RAIN technique is so powerful, I encourage you, if you feel led to, to try it out just once a day.
• 17:27
  Maybe that's how you choose to journal this week, is you just do one RAIN technique, where you're recognizing what's coming up for you.
• 17:34
  You're allowing it, you're investigating it, and taking that time to nurture self and see what shifts for you.
• 17:41
  If, as you've been listening, you recognize that one of the parts of this acronym are a little bit harder for you to do, for a lot of us, it's just recognizing what's coming up for us and recognizing what it is that we do and do not have control over, right?
• 17:54
  Especially when we're reacting to other people's emotional states, it can be really hard to even recognize, wow, what is coming up for me?
• 18:00
  We have been so conditioned to be in tune with other people's emotional states that we've lost touch with our own.
• 18:06
  So if you would like some help and support recognizing what is coming up for you so that you can make those changes and step into your own self empowerment, come and work with me.
• 18:15
  Check out the show notes.
• 18:16
  I have a link there where you can book a free 20 minute consult call.
• 18:20
  We can just chat.
• 18:20
  We can see if we might be a good fit for each other and I can let you know about my coaching packages.
• 18:25
  So come and check that out.
• 18:26
  I would love to work with you.
• 18:27
  All right.
• 18:27
  Well, I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 18:29
  Bye now.