Latest / Giving Pain Purpose with Lyndsay Soprano / Derailing the Trauma Freight Train

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Derailing the Trauma Freight Train · Giving Pain Purpose with Lyndsay Soprano

0:03
Speaker 1: This is Your Pain Game podcast where we talk about
0:06
Speaker 1: the game of living in and with chronic pain and
0:09
Speaker 1: trauma get into the heart of how to heal. I
0:12
Speaker 1: am your host, Lindsay Soprano. On the show, I plan
0:18
Speaker 1: on discussing with doctors, chronic pain patients, holistic practitioners, loved ones,
0:23
Speaker 1: and anybody that is interested in having their voice.
0:25
Speaker 2: Heard in the chronic pain and trauma world that we
0:28
Speaker 2: live in.
0:38
Speaker 1: When you look up the definition of survival right you
0:42
Speaker 1: would think it's like making tense and living out in
0:45
Speaker 1: the middle of nowhere, trying to survive, and it is.
0:49
Speaker 2: It is remaining alive.
0:51
Speaker 1: And when we're all like I'm just trying to survive,
0:54
Speaker 1: we are just trying to remain alive. We are trying
0:58
Speaker 1: to continue to exist, we are trying to remain intact.
1:03
Speaker 1: I'm not sure if I've ever felt that I've been
1:05
Speaker 1: intact fully and holy in my life because of life's
1:08
Speaker 1: challenges and life's traumas and all the things that we
1:10
Speaker 1: talk about on this show. But when you have experienced
1:14
Speaker 1: a life riddled with trauma, especially childhood trauma, getting stuck
1:20
Speaker 1: in trauma's survival mode is a tough spot to be
1:23
Speaker 1: in and the triggers that come into your life on
1:28
Speaker 1: the daily are incredibly difficult to manage, you know. I mean, man,
1:31
Speaker 1: think about the things that triggered you, and some of
1:33
Speaker 1: them are so tiny, and it's like Mike, huge fires
1:38
Speaker 1: in your world. But I am partially still stuck in
1:42
Speaker 1: survival mode. There are days where I feel like I'm
1:45
Speaker 1: rocking it and everything's great, and the next day I
1:48
Speaker 1: wake up and I'm like, oh my gosh, I need
1:50
Speaker 1: to try to remain intact today, you know. And I
1:55
Speaker 1: would rather have me be a little bit fragmented sometimes
1:59
Speaker 1: than play it off like I've got all of my
2:01
Speaker 1: shit together, because at that point in time, I know
2:04
Speaker 1: that there are places where I am just still stuck,
2:07
Speaker 1: and each day begs a new adventure to break free
2:10
Speaker 1: from it, right, And that's difficult when you're programmed to
2:14
Speaker 1: stuff your emotions.
2:16
Speaker 2: I'm the queen of it, stuffing my.
2:18
Speaker 1: Emotions and traumas year after year, time after time, and
2:23
Speaker 1: that stuffing that that stuckness ends up sitting in our
2:27
Speaker 1: bods and rex havoc on our health, our nervous systems,
2:31
Speaker 1: and also our relationships. Of course, how could it not so?
2:35
Speaker 1: Today I'd like to talk a little bit about those
2:38
Speaker 1: triggers and the traumas that we've had and where they
2:41
Speaker 1: come up from, and a lot of them have come
2:44
Speaker 1: from abuse and abandonment and our stress responses to those
2:48
Speaker 1: things and what those triggers are. And my guest today
2:52
Speaker 1: has a trigger toolbox, along with so many other things
2:55
Speaker 1: that we're going to talk to about, but how to
2:57
Speaker 1: help guide us and bring us closer to our dream
3:00
Speaker 1: once again. So, without further ado, I'd like to introduce
3:03
Speaker 1: to you today my guest, Emily Cleghorn. Hello, Darling, Hello,
3:09
Speaker 1: how are.
3:09
Speaker 2: You doing today today?
3:11
Speaker 3: I'm great?
3:12
Speaker 1: I love that right, So today we've survived, Oh my goodness.
3:18
Speaker 1: Emily is an award winning holistic trauma recovery coach. She's
3:23
Speaker 1: an author, also a podcaster, an inspirational speaker who is
3:27
Speaker 1: on a mission to support trauma surviving by navigating those
3:30
Speaker 1: triggers as we heal from childhood trauma. And it's actually
3:34
Speaker 1: not just childhood trauma, guys. We are here to help
3:37
Speaker 1: heal from anything that's been traumatic in our lives. So
3:40
Speaker 1: Emily's going to share her powerful story of overcoming the
3:44
Speaker 1: veil of her own trauma to inspire us so that
3:47
Speaker 1: we can achieve a little bit more peace and a
3:49
Speaker 1: little bit more healing, and it sounds good to me.
3:52
Speaker 1: I'd like to start talking about your early childhood trauma,
3:56
Speaker 1: when you saved yourself at seven years old, and let's
3:59
Speaker 1: take it from there.
4:00
Speaker 2: Yeah.
4:01
Speaker 3: So when I was seven years old, I was about
4:06
Speaker 3: eighteen months into living with my dad and lovely stepmother
4:12
Speaker 3: and her son, during which time I was abused in
4:16
Speaker 3: all of the ways that you can come up with
4:19
Speaker 3: with your imagination. And during that time, I was also
4:24
Speaker 3: not allowed to stay home on weekends. So one weekend
4:28
Speaker 3: I was at my biological mom's house and it was
4:32
Speaker 3: a Sunday night. She told me, I am go get
4:34
Speaker 3: your stuff ready and we'll take you home, and my
4:38
Speaker 3: seven year old self something clicked inside of me and
4:42
Speaker 3: I said, nope, I'm not going back to that place
4:47
Speaker 3: where they hurt me. So I went in my sister's
4:51
Speaker 3: room and started packing my things like the good little
4:54
Speaker 3: girl that I was, very compliant, and started figuring out
4:59
Speaker 3: where I I was going to go. My mom lived
5:02
Speaker 3: in the middle of nowhere. There was nowhere that I
5:04
Speaker 3: was going to run away to.
5:05
Speaker 2: You're seven years old, and I'm seven.
5:08
Speaker 3: Years old and it was November, so and.
5:12
Speaker 1: Where are you in the country or in the nation,
5:15
Speaker 1: in the world that's at this time. It's November in
5:18
Speaker 1: Canadasha by.
5:21
Speaker 3: The ocean, very very cold.
5:24
Speaker 2: Yeah.
5:25
Speaker 3: Yeah. So I went in my sister's room started trying
5:30
Speaker 3: to figure out how I was going to achieve this
5:33
Speaker 3: not going home. And she had one of those big
5:37
Speaker 3: wooden desks in her bedroom from the nineties. Anybody much
5:44
Speaker 3: younger than me might not understand what I'm talking about,
5:48
Speaker 3: but those big, clunky wooden desks. And I was malnourished
5:52
Speaker 3: enough and tiny enough and scrawny enough that I could
5:57
Speaker 3: fit very comfortably under that desk with my knees up
6:02
Speaker 3: to my chest. And I was able to get my
6:06
Speaker 3: overnight bag wedged into the chair hole in front of me,
6:11
Speaker 3: and that's where I sat. You know. People came in.
6:14
Speaker 3: My sister came into her room, my brother came into
6:17
Speaker 3: her room, EM where are you? Like? EM went into
6:21
Speaker 3: the bedroom and now she's nowhere to be found.
6:24
Speaker 2: M's under the desk.
6:27
Speaker 3: My mom came in, EM where are you? And I
6:30
Speaker 3: just sat there for my seven year old self. It
6:33
Speaker 3: felt like a really long time, but it was probably
6:36
Speaker 3: like half an hour to an hour.
6:37
Speaker 1: That's a long time. I don't even care if you're
6:40
Speaker 1: seven years old. A long time for any of us
6:42
Speaker 1: to sit quietly for an hour and not say a
6:44
Speaker 1: deep yeah, give me a break.
6:45
Speaker 3: That's so much an award winning hide and Seek lighter.
6:51
Speaker 2: Bravo.
6:54
Speaker 3: So eventually my mom came in a second or third
6:57
Speaker 3: time and looked down, saw my bag, moved it, and
7:01
Speaker 3: discovered me, what are you doing? Am I'm not going home? Oh?
7:06
Speaker 3: What am I gonna do? I don't know, figure it out.
7:11
Speaker 3: So she got on the phone. She called my dad.
7:15
Speaker 3: She's like, EM's not I'm saying she's not going to
7:17
Speaker 3: come home, Like she's refusing to come home. What am
7:20
Speaker 3: I supposed to do? And he's like, well, just let
7:23
Speaker 3: me call mom my grandmother. So he got on the
7:26
Speaker 3: phone with my grandmother, and my grandmother bring her home,
7:29
Speaker 3: bring her home to us. And so that night I
7:32
Speaker 3: went back to live with my grandparents and life went
7:36
Speaker 3: back to normal. Normal. Yeah, because I was not the
7:43
Speaker 3: same child I was when I left my grandparents'.
7:46
Speaker 2: House at six years old.
7:49
Speaker 3: A lot of experience, negative experience had occurred in that
7:55
Speaker 3: eighteen months, and nobody wanted to acknowledge it. So I
8:03
Speaker 3: went to a new school, made new friends, went to
8:08
Speaker 3: church and girl guides and all of these things, and
8:12
Speaker 3: no one gave me the tools that I needed as
8:17
Speaker 3: a seven, eight, nine, twelve, fifteen, eighteen.
8:21
Speaker 2: Year old to six.
8:26
Speaker 3: Me not there yet to understand how to cope with
8:35
Speaker 3: the things that had happened. Like during those eighteen months,
8:41
Speaker 3: my innocence was taken from me. I was told day
8:45
Speaker 3: in day out that I was stupid and I wasn't
8:47
Speaker 3: going to amount to anything, and I was beaten. I
8:51
Speaker 3: was told that I wasn't allowed to eat more food
8:54
Speaker 3: than was put on my plate. I wasn't allowed seconds.
8:57
Speaker 3: My tummy was so hungry all of the time that
9:00
Speaker 3: whenever Friday came around, there was a part of me
9:03
Speaker 3: that was excited because I was going to another family
9:06
Speaker 3: member's house that didn't restrict food. And so when I
9:09
Speaker 3: got there on Friday night, the first place my little
9:13
Speaker 3: self went was to the fridge treasure and I ate
9:17
Speaker 3: constantly all weekend. So life went on as normal, and
9:22
Speaker 3: I remember being nine or ten years old. I think
9:26
Speaker 3: I was in fourth grade. My stepmom had me held
9:29
Speaker 3: back in first grade, so I repeated first grade, and
9:34
Speaker 3: I looked at my grandmother, and I said, Nan, I
9:36
Speaker 3: don't want to be alive anymore.
9:39
Speaker 2: Holy crap. At that young of an.
9:42
Speaker 3: Age, nobody wants me and life just hurts. I don't
9:45
Speaker 3: want to be alive anymore, nan, And she looked at me.
9:48
Speaker 3: Mind you, my grandmother was a boomer and they didn't
9:51
Speaker 3: deal with emotions, so grace to be given where it's due.
9:56
Speaker 3: We don't talk that way, Okay, So I didn't. I
10:00
Speaker 3: learned how to stuff it pretty pretty early.
10:03
Speaker 2: Wow.
10:04
Speaker 3: Yeah, And so no surprise in my teen years when
10:10
Speaker 3: anxiety and depression started coming to the forefront, and I
10:15
Speaker 3: stuffed those two. I can ignore those too. Pretend everything
10:20
Speaker 3: is okay, Pretend everything is perfect. And then in my twenties,
10:25
Speaker 3: my digestive systems started crapping out. No pun intended.
10:32
Speaker 1: You said it before I could thank you, little done.
10:39
Speaker 3: Like, things just started quitting, and my body was waging
10:47
Speaker 3: a war against itself because it was so friggin stressed
10:54
Speaker 3: out all of the time, and it didn't know what
10:58
Speaker 3: to do with the stre like. There was no outlet,
11:03
Speaker 3: there was no you can't feel it because that makes you,
11:06
Speaker 3: that makes you weak, that makes you an inconvenience. So
11:12
Speaker 3: it wasn't until I was in my mid twenties, after
11:16
Speaker 3: my husband and I had gotten married, when we started
11:20
Speaker 3: trying to conceive and I was struggling with fertility. Did
11:25
Speaker 3: the mainstream method, had a miscarriage? Fired a doctor, Yes,
11:30
Speaker 3: there is a whole podcast episode right there, and went
11:36
Speaker 3: to a nature path who listened to my whole story
11:41
Speaker 3: and said, Emily, your body's been stressed out for twenty
11:46
Speaker 3: five years. Yes, and this is how it's playing out
11:51
Speaker 3: in your life. Your hormones are off kilter because of stress.
11:57
Speaker 3: Your digestion is off filter because of stress. Your vitamins
12:02
Speaker 3: and minerals are off kilter because of stress. Take these
12:08
Speaker 3: supplements to support your body to help it heal, and
12:13
Speaker 3: stop eating these foods because they're increasing the inflammation. They're
12:17
Speaker 3: feeding the problem. Right, Yeah, Yeah, So I did what
12:21
Speaker 3: he said to do.
12:24
Speaker 1: Uh.
12:24
Speaker 3: That was November. By the twentieth of December, I found
12:31
Speaker 3: out I was pregnant with my daughter m Interesting.
12:36
Speaker 1: Well, this stress response, just generally speaking, is unbelievable, and
12:41
Speaker 1: coming from childhood trauma that started with me at about
12:43
Speaker 1: nine years old, my body was in complete stress all
12:47
Speaker 1: the time as well, and it also affected my fertility
12:50
Speaker 1: and it came down to a lot of different things.
12:53
Speaker 1: When you're abused, your abuse sexually, or abused verbally, or
12:56
Speaker 1: abused physically, or abuse in all all of the way.
13:01
Speaker 1: We're too young to be able to process anything like that,
13:06
Speaker 1: And for somebody at seven years old to have the
13:09
Speaker 1: wherewithal to try to pack up and leave and go
13:13
Speaker 1: at that age is I want to use the word admirable,
13:17
Speaker 1: but I don't know if everybody would agree with me
13:18
Speaker 1: on that word choice, But I kind of feel like
13:20
Speaker 1: it because I remember wanting to run and leave and
13:25
Speaker 1: escape and not knowing what I was going to do,
13:29
Speaker 1: or where I was going to go, or how I
13:30
Speaker 1: was going to do it, or friendny would believe what
13:32
Speaker 1: had happened to me or believed the things that I
13:35
Speaker 1: how I interpreted things. And that's one of the things
13:38
Speaker 1: that I struggled with, is I started to kind of
13:41
Speaker 1: process things later on in life. Why why why didn't
13:45
Speaker 1: you do this? Why didn't you do that? Why didn't
13:47
Speaker 1: you fix that? Why I'm nine years old. I'm supposed
13:51
Speaker 1: to not be fixing these kinds of things.
13:55
Speaker 2: I'm not supposed to even know that these things are
13:57
Speaker 2: going on.
13:58
Speaker 1: Quite frankly, in the world people and to little girls
14:02
Speaker 1: like it's horrible.
14:04
Speaker 2: How did you.
14:04
Speaker 1: Start working through your past traumas to get to where
14:08
Speaker 1: you are and then we can talk about what you're
14:09
Speaker 1: doing to help other people in your position.
14:11
Speaker 2: Yeah.
14:12
Speaker 3: So, I think the moment where my awareness came to
14:18
Speaker 3: its peak was just after I had my daughter. It was, like,
14:23
Speaker 3: I call it, like a freight train, a trauma freight train.
14:27
Speaker 2: Oh, that's a good one.
14:29
Speaker 3: Before that moment, in my teens and early twenties, I
14:35
Speaker 3: had developed a really functional ish set of coping mechanisms,
14:41
Speaker 3: mechanisms that helped me ignore the trauma run from the trauma,
14:47
Speaker 3: because it was like this black cloud that was looming
14:51
Speaker 3: over my head and no matter what I did, or
14:54
Speaker 3: where I went, or what therapist I talked to, it
14:58
Speaker 3: didn't go away, nothing changed it. So in those younger years,
15:04
Speaker 3: I had accepted that that's just how my life was
15:07
Speaker 3: going to be, and I could try and I didn't
15:10
Speaker 3: want to be defined by that stupid, ugly black cloud.
15:15
Speaker 3: So I ran from it, and I tried to ignore
15:18
Speaker 3: it as best as I could. I even moved across
15:21
Speaker 3: the country to a place where nobody knew me so
15:23
Speaker 3: I could start fresh.
15:25
Speaker 2: But there.
15:25
Speaker 3: I was sitting on my sofa with my beautiful baby
15:32
Speaker 3: girl sitting in front of me, sleeping, having a nap,
15:36
Speaker 3: and I'm sitting there unsuspecting, thinking what am I going
15:42
Speaker 3: to do? I want to run, I want to get
15:44
Speaker 3: up off of this couch, and I want to go
15:46
Speaker 3: out that front door, and I want to get in
15:48
Speaker 3: my car and I want to drive to the end
15:50
Speaker 3: of the earth and never come back. But if I
15:54
Speaker 3: do that, I know what's going to happen. I know
15:58
Speaker 3: what pain she's going to feel for the rest of
16:01
Speaker 3: her life. And at this point, I wasn't really thinking
16:05
Speaker 3: about my husband. He would have been collateral damage. But
16:09
Speaker 3: I knew that if I listened to that fight or
16:13
Speaker 3: flight what was going what the follow was going to be.
16:17
Speaker 3: I was going to recreate what my mom did to me,
16:21
Speaker 3: and that was not okay with me. I was like, well, crap,
16:24
Speaker 3: what am I gonna do?
16:26
Speaker 1: Well, crap, I can't abandon this little lovely lady.
16:30
Speaker 3: No, she's adorable and I love her so much. Like
16:35
Speaker 3: as soon as the doctor placed her on my stomach,
16:37
Speaker 3: I was like, finally I have someone in this world
16:41
Speaker 3: who's going to love me no matter what. And then
16:44
Speaker 3: you realize that someday they're going to grow up, and
16:47
Speaker 3: they might they might not mean.
16:49
Speaker 1: We go through phases, yes, we do, like at some
16:53
Speaker 1: point be like I hate you your apple.
16:55
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, we have our moments.
16:59
Speaker 3: It's like this freight train of every repressed emotion, every fear,
17:06
Speaker 3: every trauma sidelining me and demanding, Okay, you pushed us
17:12
Speaker 3: down for twenty five years, twenty six years. Now you
17:17
Speaker 3: have to deal with us. We're here, deal with.
17:20
Speaker 1: Me now, right, And I mean, and that voice gets
17:24
Speaker 1: louder and louder. It starts as a whisper, and then
17:28
Speaker 1: it kind of gets a little bit louder and it's
17:30
Speaker 1: like tapping you on the shoulder, and then it starts
17:32
Speaker 1: hitting you in the face, and then it drives you
17:34
Speaker 1: over like you're saying like a freight train until you're like, oh, okay,
17:39
Speaker 1: I actually have to address this shit that was placed
17:42
Speaker 1: into my life that we had no control over. And
17:45
Speaker 1: it's one of the reasons why I became such a
17:48
Speaker 1: control freak is because I was able to control my
17:52
Speaker 1: labels facing out. I was able to control everything being
17:55
Speaker 1: alphabetized and color coordinated and everything being just so there
17:59
Speaker 1: was a there's a reason why that happened, because I
18:03
Speaker 1: always felt so out of control and that was my
18:06
Speaker 1: only that was my main coping mechanism that I did
18:08
Speaker 1: and I'm still do. I still do that to this day.
18:10
Speaker 1: I mean it was learned at a very early age.
18:13
Speaker 1: It's it's been great for me in business and in
18:16
Speaker 1: my life, but it also has been horrible for me
18:19
Speaker 1: in my relationships because I try to control everything and
18:23
Speaker 1: everybody and how everybody's going to respond when I want
18:26
Speaker 1: them to do. You know it, and it turns into
18:29
Speaker 1: a part of who you are, and some of it's
18:31
Speaker 1: very very good about me, but it's also also terrible
18:34
Speaker 1: about who I am. And I've identified that that's where
18:37
Speaker 1: that came from. I just didn't know it. So with
18:41
Speaker 1: all of this trauma and all of the things that
18:43
Speaker 1: you've gone through, and you've got this little baby and
18:46
Speaker 1: now you're a mom, and you don't want to be
18:48
Speaker 1: the mom that you had in your life. Obviously you
18:51
Speaker 1: want to be this different person. You're not going to
18:53
Speaker 1: abandon her. She's the most beautiful thing. You've created all
18:57
Speaker 1: of these tools and these coping mechanisms that are are
19:00
Speaker 1: more healthy than what you or I were doing. Prior,
19:03
Speaker 1: So can we start talking about the healing process and
19:05
Speaker 1: some of the things that you did to help, and
19:07
Speaker 1: then why you got into trauma recovery coaching, because that's
19:11
Speaker 1: really what we would need to get into now.
19:14
Speaker 3: Yeah. So, when I was in those dark moments on
19:18
Speaker 3: my couch with my beautiful baby girl, who I absolutely adored,
19:22
Speaker 3: God and I had a conversation. It's like, God, I
19:25
Speaker 3: don't know how I'm going to get through this, but
19:28
Speaker 3: I know that you can bring me through it. So
19:31
Speaker 3: if you will bring me through this horrendous moment in
19:34
Speaker 3: my life, I will reach my hand back into the
19:38
Speaker 3: fire and I will help them. And so that was
19:41
Speaker 3: really the beginning and one of the first things that
19:45
Speaker 3: I needed to do because for me, personal boundaries were
19:49
Speaker 3: not a thing.
19:50
Speaker 1: Where what are boundaries? I'm sorry, I've never heard this word.
19:55
Speaker 3: And what I'm talking about is where I start as
20:00
Speaker 3: a person and where I stopped as a person. Because
20:05
Speaker 3: in the very beginning, when I in that moment where
20:08
Speaker 3: I was looking at my daughter, I was like, man,
20:10
Speaker 3: I got a run. I thought that I was stuck
20:14
Speaker 3: in the decisions that my mom made in eighty nine
20:18
Speaker 3: ninety and I didn't realize that I could make my
20:21
Speaker 3: own choices. I knew I wanted to, but I didn't
20:23
Speaker 3: know that I could. I thought that I was stuck
20:26
Speaker 3: in hers. And it sounds silly to say it, but
20:30
Speaker 3: I didn't realize that my daughter could live a different
20:32
Speaker 3: experience than I did.
20:34
Speaker 2: As a child. Doesn't sound silly.
20:36
Speaker 1: That's what you experienced, and you don't have anything else
20:39
Speaker 1: to reference, Darling.
20:41
Speaker 3: Well, exactly.
20:42
Speaker 4: Yeah.
20:42
Speaker 3: So I sat down with a therapist via zoom because
20:46
Speaker 3: I lived in the middle of nowhere and there were
20:48
Speaker 3: no therapists where I lived, and she helped me to
20:53
Speaker 3: establish those boundaries, to recognize those boundaries that the choices
20:58
Speaker 3: that my mom made in eighty nine ninety were her choices,
21:03
Speaker 3: made with the best knowledge that she had at the time,
21:06
Speaker 3: those served her. Maybe maybe not.
21:09
Speaker 2: That's another discussion.
21:10
Speaker 4: That's a whole other podcast. For sure, my Mom's Decisions podcast,
21:19
Speaker 4: we'd have a lot of guests talk about mommy issues.
21:23
Speaker 4: Dear Lord, nobody stealed this idea.
21:30
Speaker 3: And my daughter could live her own experience, and I
21:34
Speaker 3: can make my mama hood my own. I don't have
21:37
Speaker 3: to go based off of any other mother's decisions for
21:42
Speaker 3: their children. Whether it's my grandmother's choices for me, or
21:46
Speaker 3: my mom's choices for me, or my stepmom's choices for me.
21:50
Speaker 3: None of them were on the table. And so that
21:53
Speaker 3: realization alone was worth its weight in gold.
21:57
Speaker 2: Yeah, no kidding.
22:00
Speaker 3: And then from there I started understanding and doing a
22:05
Speaker 3: lot of research because I'm a researcher, and I gather
22:09
Speaker 3: knowledge into how to help my nervous system and what
22:13
Speaker 3: my nervous system was and how it's affected and how
22:17
Speaker 3: trauma impacts your nervous system.
22:24
Speaker 2: That just says it all right there, just yeah, I mean,
22:27
Speaker 2: because it does.
22:28
Speaker 1: I mean, it really is amazing when and I'm the
22:31
Speaker 1: same way.
22:31
Speaker 2: I'm a major researcher.
22:33
Speaker 1: I mean I read neurological journals and you know, like
22:36
Speaker 1: I just dive deep and I go down and I
22:38
Speaker 1: get into all of my house in Wonderland, you know,
22:40
Speaker 1: the rabbit holes all of the time, especially at about
22:43
Speaker 1: two o'clock in the morning when I can't sleep. And now
22:46
Speaker 1: I've got seventeen different types of cancer.
22:49
Speaker 2: You know.
22:51
Speaker 1: You know when we do that, we're like, oh my god,
22:52
Speaker 1: that sounds just like me and now I'm dead. But yeah,
22:56
Speaker 1: like the learning, learning and being knowledgeable about our nervous systems,
23:01
Speaker 1: and about what stress causes, and about what past traumas
23:04
Speaker 1: and not just trauma. I know we throw that word
23:07
Speaker 1: around a lot in our world now, and unfortunately it's
23:11
Speaker 1: because it's not been spoken about until and in my opinion,
23:15
Speaker 1: until fairly recently, and especially when the podcast world came
23:19
Speaker 1: into play, because now we all have voices that we've
23:22
Speaker 1: all been stuffing and we haven't been able to talk.
23:24
Speaker 1: And I think this is one of the healthiest things
23:26
Speaker 1: that I've ever come into my world, is being able
23:28
Speaker 1: to have these open and honest and vulnerable and raw
23:31
Speaker 1: conversations with each other and not being scared to tell
23:35
Speaker 1: somebody about what happened to me, about what happened to you,
23:39
Speaker 1: and did not feel shamed by it. I was raised
23:42
Speaker 1: in it from a Christian family, and shame is a
23:45
Speaker 1: lot of what comes with Christianity, just like guilt is
23:47
Speaker 1: with Judaism. Right, It's like we all have these things shame, shame, shame, Like, Okay,
23:52
Speaker 1: all these things happened to me, So I'm going to
23:54
Speaker 1: be kicked out of heaven. I'm just I'm nobody will
23:58
Speaker 1: ever love me, nobody will ever want to have a
24:01
Speaker 1: family with me.
24:02
Speaker 2: Nobody will ever want to have sex with me.
24:03
Speaker 1: Will come to find out, very many people wanted to
24:05
Speaker 1: have sex with me, So that ended up being a
24:07
Speaker 1: goods kidding kind of But I'm just you know what
24:11
Speaker 1: I'm saying, Like, you just don't You don't know when
24:14
Speaker 1: we're so young, how that stuff is going to affect
24:17
Speaker 1: us as we're older. And now we're here in this
24:19
Speaker 1: space where I feel like we're we're in a much
24:22
Speaker 1: healthier place right now where we're feeling.
24:25
Speaker 2: I don't know.
24:26
Speaker 1: I feel far more empowered than I ever have being
24:29
Speaker 1: able to talk with people like yourself that have experienced
24:32
Speaker 1: similar situations, and of us have experienced the same thing
24:36
Speaker 1: as the next person. But those of us that have
24:39
Speaker 1: gone through some of these horrific things, we're in our
24:42
Speaker 1: own little club. But we all have to be educated
24:46
Speaker 1: about why those things are affecting our health and our
24:50
Speaker 1: well being. Now, I mean, it's incredibly important for our
24:53
Speaker 1: future and our future healing.
24:55
Speaker 3: Yeah, the community that comes out of being able to
25:03
Speaker 3: share your story and listen to other people's stories and
25:07
Speaker 3: trauma is very isolating. There's this little devil that sits
25:14
Speaker 3: on your shoulder and tells you that you're the only
25:15
Speaker 3: one who's ever felt this way. You're the only one
25:18
Speaker 3: who's ever dealt with this, And it's a blatant lie
25:23
Speaker 3: because there are so many people like you and I
25:29
Speaker 3: who have lived a horrific childhood and are now trying
25:35
Speaker 3: to overcome it and change the narrative for our kids.
25:42
Speaker 3: And we're able to help each other in a way
25:45
Speaker 3: that we weren't able to previously because now we have voices.
25:50
Speaker 3: We've reclaimed our voices, and that's huge.
25:56
Speaker 2: No kidding.
25:57
Speaker 1: And for the record, I did have an actual I
26:00
Speaker 1: did have a wonderful childhood. Big picture, I just had
26:03
Speaker 1: horrific things happened to me. So like, just for to
26:08
Speaker 1: put the record straight on that one, because I did
26:10
Speaker 1: have I have wonderful mother and father. I have a
26:12
Speaker 1: terrible father and stepmother, but that's for a different conversation.
26:16
Speaker 1: That's part of the childhood drama. But big picture, I
26:19
Speaker 1: did have a lovely, lovely childhood. I just had some
26:22
Speaker 1: really horrible things happen within that space. But yes, to
26:25
Speaker 1: your point, for sure, having that voice and I've always
26:29
Speaker 1: been vocal and outspoken and all of it, but all
26:33
Speaker 1: of it was all a facade. I was in acting
26:37
Speaker 1: and I was in drama, and I was in musicals,
26:39
Speaker 1: and I had different characters that I played, and I
26:42
Speaker 1: was very good at being other people. And I was
26:44
Speaker 1: very good at fitting in in every single group that
26:48
Speaker 1: I could. I was an honor student, so I could
26:50
Speaker 1: fit in with those people. I was kind of a
26:52
Speaker 1: nerd and the geeky stuff I would fit into that.
26:54
Speaker 2: I was in the sports stuff, I was in the drama.
26:56
Speaker 3: You know.
26:56
Speaker 1: I fit into all these places because I was good
26:59
Speaker 1: at being like a chameleon, I guess, kind of never
27:02
Speaker 1: knowing who I was, just trying to be anybody that
27:06
Speaker 1: I wasn't and whoa hmm yeah, yeah, and.
27:11
Speaker 3: For me, I was invisible. I made myself invisible.
27:15
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I didn't.
27:16
Speaker 1: I made myself as loud and obnoxious as I also could.
27:23
Speaker 1: So let's move on into the healing part. So I
27:26
Speaker 1: want to talk about where you are right now and
27:29
Speaker 1: what you're doing within your business. We know where it's
27:32
Speaker 1: coming from, for sure, but talk about what you're doing,
27:35
Speaker 1: talk about your four pillars and what you're all about,
27:38
Speaker 1: and let's get into that part of Let's talk about
27:40
Speaker 1: the fun stuff now.
27:43
Speaker 3: Yeah, So through my journey, I have created the mended
27:50
Speaker 3: Mama method. It's based off of four pillars. So the
27:55
Speaker 3: first one is building a trigger toolbox, because you can't
27:59
Speaker 3: heal when you're stressed out.
28:02
Speaker 2: You can't do shit. When you're stressed out.
28:04
Speaker 1: You're obnoxious, you're irritable, you're flummoxed, you're unfocused.
28:10
Speaker 2: You can't do anything. You can't operate in that space. Nope, No, can't.
28:13
Speaker 1: Nope.
28:14
Speaker 3: You certainly can't parent children. You can't teach a little
28:17
Speaker 3: human how to human if you're stressed out and triggered
28:21
Speaker 3: to the max.
28:22
Speaker 2: No, get in for reference.
28:24
Speaker 3: That tends to make their temper tantrums ten times worse.
28:28
Speaker 2: Of course they're feeding off the view.
28:30
Speaker 3: Yeah, you become this storm machine.
28:35
Speaker 2: Storm machine, Yeah exactly.
28:38
Speaker 3: So that's step one, building your trigger toolbox. And for
28:43
Speaker 3: a lot of trauma survivors, we don't know how to
28:47
Speaker 3: identify our emotions, so that is really step one. And
28:51
Speaker 3: then building your toolbox and learning which tools go with
28:57
Speaker 3: the best with where you are on the emotional spectrum.
29:02
Speaker 3: And then once you've got that under wraps under control,
29:07
Speaker 3: then we begin to dream a little dream, cast a vision.
29:13
Speaker 3: Where do you want to be and how are we
29:16
Speaker 3: going to get there? Then we move into pillar number
29:19
Speaker 3: three with building your your stepping stones and owning your
29:25
Speaker 3: self worth, your confidence, your belief in yourself, all of
29:29
Speaker 3: these different things that you're missing because they were maybe
29:35
Speaker 3: beat out of you as a child or just never
29:37
Speaker 3: taught or I mean they're taught.
29:39
Speaker 2: Yeah.
29:39
Speaker 1: There are plenty of people, plenty of kids that I
29:42
Speaker 1: know that you know, I'm that have been through just
29:46
Speaker 1: a kind of normal, you know, life, but they were
29:49
Speaker 1: never taught to X, Y and Z like we've been
29:53
Speaker 1: talking about, They've not.
29:54
Speaker 3: Been able to they've never been taught boundaries.
29:56
Speaker 1: That's our yeah, boundaries, especially like in certainly in my generation,
30:00
Speaker 1: all of my friends that are my you know, in
30:02
Speaker 1: the forties, basically we're all like our parents are, like good.
30:06
Speaker 2: Luck, see at about eleven, all right, have a good day.
30:14
Speaker 3: You know.
30:14
Speaker 1: We were kind of like on our own to figure
30:16
Speaker 1: it out, Like all right, if I throw lawn dart
30:18
Speaker 1: at him, it's gonna hurt him, and you know he'll
30:20
Speaker 1: be okay. You know, like there were we didn't have,
30:23
Speaker 1: but we were not helicopter parented at all, which I'm
30:26
Speaker 1: glad actually, but man, I mean, maybe like check in
30:30
Speaker 1: on us and make sure that you know why were
30:33
Speaker 1: you in a park super late tonight, it's ten pm.
30:36
Speaker 3: Where are your kids?
30:38
Speaker 2: Exactly?
30:40
Speaker 1: Yeah, playing video games? Probably don't even get me started anyway.
30:47
Speaker 3: And then the fourth pillar is building a relationship toolbox.
30:52
Speaker 3: So we've got your trigger toolbox, but how do you
30:55
Speaker 3: have healthy relationships when all or most of your models
31:01
Speaker 3: as a little kid, we're not healthy relationships. So that's
31:09
Speaker 3: the Mended Mama method. So there's a whole plethora of
31:14
Speaker 3: things that I'm doing with that. We're doing the Mamahood
31:18
Speaker 3: After Trauma podcast. There's a book, there's more books on
31:22
Speaker 3: the way, there's coaching, and there's a whole it's a
31:28
Speaker 3: whole host of ways that you can ingest and learn
31:33
Speaker 3: the Mended Mama method.
31:36
Speaker 1: Well, and also not just for mamas, because that's one
31:39
Speaker 1: of the things that I know that a lot of
31:41
Speaker 1: what you focus is on the parenting side of it.
31:43
Speaker 1: And I applaud you for that as somebody like myself.
31:46
Speaker 1: I'm an aunt, and so right now I'm amended. I'm
31:49
Speaker 1: a mended aunt. Right now I need that toolbox in
31:54
Speaker 1: a bad way. And I might talk to you after
31:56
Speaker 1: the show about needing some hints right now, but you know,
32:01
Speaker 1: I think that it's so important for our kids and
32:04
Speaker 1: for our nieces and nephews and cousins, whoever that's in
32:06
Speaker 1: your life that you're taking care of in your world,
32:11
Speaker 1: is to make sure that you're not putting your narrative,
32:15
Speaker 1: your story on them either. Because that's something that I
32:20
Speaker 1: think I'm certainly seeing with my nephews right now, is
32:24
Speaker 1: they're absorbing so much of their parents' behavior and their
32:27
Speaker 1: story and they're thinking that it's theirs. And right now,
32:32
Speaker 1: what we're trying to teach them is that you have
32:34
Speaker 1: your own story to be told, and you can tell
32:38
Speaker 1: it and you're in charge of it, no matter what
32:41
Speaker 1: your story was before you can write a new one.
32:44
Speaker 1: And that I think is incredibly important, certainly for where
32:48
Speaker 1: I'm not in my life right now with these boys,
32:50
Speaker 1: and it's also with me. I've had to kind of
32:52
Speaker 1: rewrite my script my story a couple times in my
32:55
Speaker 1: world because I've learned a lot and have come through
32:58
Speaker 1: a lot, and now I'm in a different phase and
33:00
Speaker 1: right now I'm working on a book as well, but
33:03
Speaker 1: I just don't want to get stuck in my past story. Yeah,
33:08
Speaker 1: that is something that's been incredibly important for me to
33:11
Speaker 1: break free from that, so that I could actually properly
33:17
Speaker 1: and holy heel from it and not just patch up
33:21
Speaker 1: the holes. You know, Yeah, put a little put a
33:23
Speaker 1: little spackle on it, and we'll call about today for
33:26
Speaker 1: a bit, you know.
33:27
Speaker 2: No, I wanted to buy a new boat. Yeah, I
33:30
Speaker 2: didn't want to patch up the old one. I bought
33:32
Speaker 2: a brand new boat and she's beautiful.
33:35
Speaker 3: So yeah, and I resonate with that. That's why when
33:40
Speaker 3: when I'm writing a book, yes, I acknowledge the trauma piece,
33:46
Speaker 3: but I focus on the healing because I wasted enough
33:51
Speaker 3: time wallowing in the trauma over it. I was over
33:56
Speaker 3: it a long time ago. I want to heal. I
33:59
Speaker 3: don't want to keep redging out the old feelings. They're old,
34:03
Speaker 3: they're musty. I don't want them anymore.
34:06
Speaker 2: They're musty. Yeah, smells like an attic to me.
34:10
Speaker 3: My whole heart is to help other mama's, other parent
34:15
Speaker 3: figures to heal, because our kids don't deserve to inherit
34:21
Speaker 3: our crap. They're gonna get enough crap from this world
34:24
Speaker 3: that we live in.
34:25
Speaker 1: Yeah, no kidding, Stop putting our shit on others, Like,
34:28
Speaker 1: don't put your shit on other people.
34:32
Speaker 2: Stop it. All of us. I'm talking to myself included.
34:36
Speaker 1: You know, we end up kind of like vomiting our
34:40
Speaker 1: bs on everybody, and you know, we have to be
34:44
Speaker 1: a little bit better about that and like take a
34:46
Speaker 1: deep breath and go, hey, this past trauma or this
34:50
Speaker 1: past experience or whatever's going on in your life, try
34:54
Speaker 1: to be a little bit more cognizant of how you're
34:58
Speaker 1: responding to this world. Yeah, okay, So how do you
35:02
Speaker 1: work with people in your trauma coaching because you do
35:05
Speaker 1: work in trauma recovery.
35:07
Speaker 3: Yeah, so right now, I am working with clients one
35:12
Speaker 3: to one inside of my Mended Mama Academy, and it's
35:18
Speaker 3: a personalized one to one coaching experience. We spend ninety
35:26
Speaker 3: days deep diving into your goals within the framework, so
35:34
Speaker 3: actually applying and working through the components of the Mended
35:40
Speaker 3: Mama method so that you have a loving accountability partner
35:45
Speaker 3: coach to guide you through it, so that you know
35:49
Speaker 3: it's not one of those situations where you say, yeah,
35:52
Speaker 3: I'm going to change and then everything under the sun
35:55
Speaker 3: gets in your way and you don't actually do it.
36:00
Speaker 1: Ut it ourselves yes, called ourselves yes yes, yes, self
36:04
Speaker 1: sabotage self sabotage. It's true, and we all have a
36:10
Speaker 1: little bit of us of that in us. I mean, yes,
36:12
Speaker 1: to some degree. We're not going to get rid of
36:14
Speaker 1: a little There's got to be a little bit of
36:16
Speaker 1: self sabotage.
36:17
Speaker 3: You know.
36:17
Speaker 1: But guys, come on, like, let's let's at least identify
36:20
Speaker 1: that that's what we're doing and get rid of ninety
36:23
Speaker 1: nine percent of it, because one percent can be fun,
36:26
Speaker 1: but ninety nine percent of it is really bad.
36:29
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean it's holding you back from being your full, authentic,
36:34
Speaker 3: whole self.
36:36
Speaker 2: Yeah self, no kidding. I love it. I love it
36:39
Speaker 2: so much.
36:40
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness. Okay, well we've got to We've got
36:42
Speaker 1: to wrap up here. Is there anything that you'd like
36:44
Speaker 1: to leave our listeners with before we get out of here.
36:47
Speaker 3: If you are on your trauma recovery path and you're
36:52
Speaker 3: struggling with your triggers, the number one thing you can
36:56
Speaker 3: do for yourself is stopped yourself and start getting curious.
37:05
Speaker 1: I love that so very much. Well, thank you so
37:07
Speaker 1: much for being here with us. You can find her.
37:09
Speaker 1: I'm going to put all of her information in show
37:11
Speaker 1: notes and in social media because her handles are changing
37:14
Speaker 1: a little bit because she's got a new website and
37:16
Speaker 1: she's got new books and new podcasts and all this
37:19
Speaker 1: stuff that's coming down, So make sure that.
37:21
Speaker 2: You check out show Notes.
37:22
Speaker 1: But the best place to find her at is her website,
37:24
Speaker 1: which is Mama Hood After Trauma dot c A because
37:28
Speaker 1: she's in Canada.
37:30
Speaker 2: She also has a book that she's out.
37:31
Speaker 1: She's got a couple others coming out, but right now
37:33
Speaker 1: you can get it on Amazon, Rising from the Ashes
37:36
Speaker 1: Reclaiming Your Life after a Traumatic Childhood.
37:39
Speaker 2: She also has a podcast out there.
37:41
Speaker 1: It is a private podcast series, Mama onn Triggered, and
37:44
Speaker 1: she'll be talking about that more and more as you
37:46
Speaker 1: start following her on social. But go to her website
37:48
Speaker 1: first and foremost, because that's where you're going to find
37:50
Speaker 1: all the information about her. Thank you so much again
37:53
Speaker 1: for your time with us today.
37:54
Speaker 2: I really appreciate it.
37:56
Speaker 3: Yeah, thanks so much for having me.
37:58
Speaker 2: It was a fun, of course. Thank you so very
38:00
Speaker 2: very much.
38:00
Speaker 1: You are exclusively invited to share this Mended Mama Deep
38:04
Speaker 1: Diving VIP pain journey together. Let's get to the heart
38:09
Speaker 1: of how to heal with you by my side. Please
38:12
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38:17
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38:20
Speaker 1: dot com and follow us on all the socials. Thanks
38:23
Speaker 1: for listening my little VIPs. Catch you on the other side.