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Why She Goes Cold When You Try to Flirt with Maureen Pound · Libido Lounge

• 0:01
  The mistake that especially some men make straight away is they just they go they're too
• 0:08
  fast.
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  Maureen Pound is committed to supporting people with sex, relationships, and money.
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  From her dating book where she provides practical steps for men to connect with women
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  for funner relationships to her viral TikTok videos where she shares how she became a
• 0:24
  millionaire and what women do wrong during sex.
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  She says the things that people are thinking but are too afraid to say.
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  How do we begin to talk dirty?
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  How do we communicate our sexual desires?
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  And they were really nice guys but they just were not doing it well, and so the journey
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  began.
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  So if guys lead with the you're sexy, the woman has had that a 100 times before and it just
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  doesn't hit.
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  It feels like they've pulled down their pants and and shown you something and then you've
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  just ignored it.
• 1:00
  Life's too short.
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  Like, explore it and have fun.
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  Hi, everybody.
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  Welcome back to another episode on our libido lounge.
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  We're talking all things dirty today.
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  I have a expert, an author, a very, very well known person in the dating space today to
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  introduce you to that I'm so excited about because, yeah, I talk a lot about
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  communication, about the need to be flirting, about how we use things like texting and dirty
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  texting to keep our relationships alive in long term relationships.
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  And so I wanted to bring Maureen on as expert to tell us more about how.
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  How do we begin to talk dirty?
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  How do we communicate our sexual desires and so much more?
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  So that's what we're doing today.
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  It's gonna be a fun and juicy conversation as always.
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  Maureen, welcome to the lounge.
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  Thanks, doctor Diane.
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  Great to be here.
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  It's great to have you.
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  So, you know, you've done a lot of research.
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  You have a very, very interesting, you know, take on a lot of things from your book, How to
• 2:05
  Get Laid on Tinder.
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  Tell us a little bit about, like, where you gained your passion from this.
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  I wanna just know about your story a little bit, and then we're gonna get into kinda the
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  the juicy details and all the content for today.
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  Sure.
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  So, when I was 40 and couldn't find a man to marry me, I decided to have two sperm donor
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  children on my own, and they're great kids.
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  And so what happened over the course of the next seven years with my kids, I was just
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  exhausted.
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  And so I didn't date.
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  I had nothing to do with men.
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  I was just focused on my children.
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  And then at one stage, I was actually doing a 500 k bike ride in Thailand, and and I was
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  doing something for me, and I'm just like you know, I was around all these men and they were
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  flirting with me, and I'm like, oh, wow.
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  I really need to get myself out there.
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  So, I decided to get on a dating app, and so the journey began.
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  Okay.
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  So and that's is that how you started collecting a lot of your information and your
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  research was when you were on the dating app at that point in time?
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  Yeah.
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  And what I found being older was this this whole demographic that missed out on the whole
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  app scene.
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  Like, we used to meet at pubs or at college or, you know, whatever.
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  So, so I got in there, was very, tentative at the beginning and then worked out how to use
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  the apps well.
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  But because I'm having a background in communication, a lot of guys who I became
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  friends with or had conversations with who were really struggling and they were really nice
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  guys, but they just were not doing it well.
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  And so I began to give them tips to help them, and then they'd asked me for more advice.
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  And so it sort of someone jokingly said you should write a book.
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  So that's really so then I went into full research mode and over the course of a couple
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  of years, wrote the book.
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  Well, beautiful.
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  And what did you learn in your book?
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  Like, if you were to I mean, I'm I'm sure you learned many, many, many, many, many things.
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  But if you were to distill down, this is my question, the top two most important things,
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  like, distill down that you feel like, oh my goodness, everybody needs to know this from my
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  book, what would they be?
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  So the first thing that comes to mind is that women want to be seen for more than their
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  looks.
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  So we want to be, you know, seen as being attractive and sexy, but they want to be seen
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  for more.
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  So if guys lead with the you're sexy, the woman has had that a 100 times before and it just
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  doesn't hit.
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  So it's it's a crappy entry to get to know someone for fun or for a relationship.
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  So, you know, I've got a friend who's really strong.
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  You know, she's overweight, but she's really strong.
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  And so she's got a photo of her at CrossFit lifting.
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  Now, she loves it if a guy says, wow, I love a strong woman.
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  Double meaning, you're leading with something that she obviously feels, you know,
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  passionately about.
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  She's put a picture of herself doing that thing.
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  That hits much, better than, oh, hey, sexy.
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  So that would be the first thing that I would say.
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  And then the second thing I would say is dating is a lot around how how you view it.
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  And, sometimes it is hard work and sometimes you will get rejected, but just like the time
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  you didn't get the job or, you know, the time that that something bad happened to you.
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  It's just part of the journey of life.
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  And so dating is a journey.
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  So if you can see it in a positive light, then you're giving off positive energy and you'll
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  get better outcomes.
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  So what I a tip varies.
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  If you're feeling like shit and you want you want some confirmation that you're a good
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  person or that you're sexy or that that's the worst time to get on.
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  So stay away.
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  If you're feeling crap, you're not gonna you can't get that validation from somebody else.
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  So the second tip is to really see it as a journey, have fun with it, and because you may
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  react differently to the same if a if a person says something to you on one day, it might be
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  fine.
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  Another day, it might be you know, make you really upset.
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  So really enjoy the journey, and I think that helps a lot.
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  I love this advice, and I love it because I think some of the things that are that that can
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  be advised in the dating theory let me say that again.
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  I think some of the things that can be advised in the dating period of things also really
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  apply like, this is good practice for when we're actually in relationships.
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  And so, you know, when we were talking about this first one around, like, women want to be
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  seen as more than just beautiful.
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  Right?
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  That's a great thing, but you hear it a 100 times.
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  I'm curious of what you've seen in any of your research around, like, how that might apply in
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  a relationship because I've seen so many times too that that oftentimes in relationship,
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  that's like that compliment that, like, women hear the most of is, you're so pretty, you're
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  so pretty, you're so pretty, and they're like, that's great.
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  I mean, I think that's a wonderful thing.
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  I know most women love to hear that, but sometimes I feel like that gets said and that's
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  like one of the only things that women hear is about their looks.
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  So I'm wondering if you just like discovered anything in your research around like how
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  something like that actually can impact like later on in the relationship and where you've
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  seen that apply?
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  Yeah.
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  Great question.
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  So I think a lot of it is the devil's in the detail.
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  So the bigger picture is we all want to have status, so we all want to feel important.
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  So you want to feel you want that other person in your life to feel important.
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  And you do that by giving them some detail when you see it to raise their status.
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  So for instance, instead of just saying, oh, you're a good mum, which even in itself is
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  amazing and probably doesn't get said enough by a partner, but, you know, if you could add,
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  you're such a you're a good mum.
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  I love the way that you can juggle, you know, having a conversation with Tom and cook dinner
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  and, you know, and coordinate stuff.
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  You know, you're just so amazing.
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  So it's like it's like so not just saying you're, you know, you're pretty, you're
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  beautiful, you're sexy, you're a good mom, you're a good person, but actually giving in
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  the moment if you can find the example of it, or even, you know what?
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  I love the way you speak to waiters.
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  You're always so kind.
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  That in the moment is saying so much about what I think about you as a person, and that fills,
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  the love jar, doesn't it?
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  The more of that, it's like there's you've got your love jar and things can be taken out when
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  you're annoyed and you say harsh things and you want to, you know, more pebbles to be put back
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  in that love jar because it built and it it builds over time, those small comments.
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  Well, and I think what you're saying, there's there's a really important thing that I think
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  everybody should think about when we're we're talking about this, which is these specific
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  examples.
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  Like, what you're largely saying is, like, be specific.
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  Give examples.
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  See, like, don't just say like you're a kind person.
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  Say, here's how here's what I'm noticing around where I'm seeing kindness because it really
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  helps people feel like you're tracking them.
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  Right?
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  And and I think to say it's just it's just a good practice to have.
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  Like, I noticed even the same in my employees that when I I send them these status reports
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  every week and how they're doing and instead of just being like, oh, great job, great week,
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  which I feel, it's like, great job taking care of this, you know, problem, and I name it and
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  how they, you know, how they handled it and why it was so good, you know, so they can really
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  see, like, I'm tracking and I care about these details and it really hits home more, you know,
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  when we're doing that.
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  And so my follow-up question for you is this, is like, how have you seen, from a standpoint
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  then in talking about communicating sexual desires, how have you seen some of these things
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  you're talking about here, you know, the specificity?
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  Like, how does that come into play when communicating sexual desires, and what else do
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  we really need to think about when we're asking for things like, I want this, I need this, this
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  turns me on.
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  What some advice you have for us on that?
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  Yep.
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  I think, you know, the first my brain went to the mistake that especially some men make
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  straight away is they just they go they're too fast.
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  They're too they you know, it's like they just state it when either they haven't got a
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  relationship with the person yet, and they haven't tested the water.
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  So that would be, you know, a little bit of innuendo first, you know, happy hump day,
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  whatever it is.
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  And, and then if they get the response back, then they can go further with it.
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  So I think that's a big mistake.
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  And the other thing that people sometimes do is, oh, she was really hot for me last
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  Wednesday and we got really down and dirty and sexting and I'm going to do it the following
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  Monday and she's busy at work or dropping off kids or, you know, whatever's going on.
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  So you can't just presume that because it happened before that you can you can just jump
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  right in again.
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  So they're the the tips there, was just a little bit of innuendo and testing the water,
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  and then also not just presuming that because it happened last time it will happen again.
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  Right.
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  So when we're starting to think about sexting, the idea is like test the waters first, see if
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  you're getting the response, start very, very small where it's like just a little bit where
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  you know, like, oh, you can recover and pull back if you need.
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  Yeah.
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  You can save face, and and then you don't even have to mention it.
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  You've you've given it a go.
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  She's taken it in a different direction.
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  You go, cool.
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  And then what about, like, more in actual relationships, right, where it's like, okay,
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  well, now we're, you know, it's like now we're established, and let's say, you know,
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  somebody's either either never sex texted before, never dirty talk talked or any of that
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  at all, or somebody did that and it was like two decades ago, and they're like, well, it's
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  basically like we never done that because we largely have a very different relationship than
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  we did two decades ago.
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  Now what applies there?
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  Because obviously, like, I can see how there's some level of, like, testing the waters that,
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  you know, could be good.
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  And in my mind, it's, like, slightly different because this is somebody that we already have,
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  you know, sometimes decades worth of trust with.
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  So there's a little bit more, like like, capacity to be like, hey.
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  I wanna do this.
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  This is important to me.
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  How do we do this?
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  And, you know, sometimes I think in that scenario, some of those, like, little tests,
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  like happy hump day, could easily just get, like, like, washed over and the person could
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  even miss it.
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  Yeah.
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  Yeah.
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  Great point.
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  So you've got different dynamics there.
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  What I would suggest there is that, and again, it goes back to making someone feel good and
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  making them feel comfortable even if it is your wife of thirty years.
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  And so I also want to add that research has shown that that it's actually a very good thing
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  to do in a relationship, especially if you're away from from each other or travelling with
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  work or or whatever it is.
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  So, a good tip there, I think, is to recall something.
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  Last week, you know, when know, and so and in that and I loved doing that with you.
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  And so you're recalling a thing that you both really enjoyed.
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  You're complimenting her on or or him on that, and then, again, see if the person
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  reciprocates.
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  And the thing is, I've had guys say to me before, I'm really shit at it, but I'm willing
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  to give it a go, you know, like, so you don't have to be good at it.
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  You can just follow the lead.
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  And so it sounds like, you know, you're we're back to this conversation around, like, you
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  know, specificity and specific examples.
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  What about the the response?
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  Right?
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  Because, like, let's say somebody's putting themselves out there, and, you know, I feel
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  like in long term relationships, sometimes it can feel even riskier.
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  Like, if, you know, if this has, like, started, like, somebody on Tinder or somebody on, a
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  dating app of any type, and, you know, you've been hanging out maybe once, maybe not at all,
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  or then you're you're kind of at the beginning, like, sure, there's a level of risk, but if
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  you've been together, you've been talking, maybe hanging out for a few weeks or a few
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  months, there's not a lot of, like, inherent risk there other than, you know, maybe getting
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  your feelings a little hurt.
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  Right?
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  But if it's somebody that you've been with for years, sometimes I think there's even more
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  emotional risk in putting ourselves out there like that.
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  So if somebody receives a text and it's the first time their partner's dirty text and they,
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  like, have zero idea what to do with it.
• 15:18
  You know, they don't know what to respond, or maybe they don't even like it.
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  How do they how do they respond?
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  Because what I've seen sometimes in my work is that if people don't respond, that can lead to
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  this, like, subtle hurt, and if it's not acknowledged at least in some way or talked
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  about, then it's a subtle hurt that that's, like, almost, like, swept under the rug that's,
• 15:38
  like, just festering that never gets addressed.
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  So what do you what do you what advice do you have for like the receiver of the text in these
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  scenarios?
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  I think a lot of it has what you said is very, true, and I think sometimes the person doesn't
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  want to respond because they're not feeling valued and it's like this superficial uterus
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  wants sex or, you know, another one of that.
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  So I think if if it's problematic when there's a few issue unresolved issues in the
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  relationship at the moment.
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  So I don't I think it's very hard to be successful if that's the underlying thing.
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  There's a bit of narkiness on either side.
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  And I think an open conversation would be useful to share and see what the other person's
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  point of view around it is.
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  So maybe you could do that before you even try the actual sexting and just share how you're
• 16:36
  feeling about it.
• 16:38
  Yeah.
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  And that's even, you know, something I tell people often too.
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  Like, if you're going to try something new, talk about it in advance around like, hey,
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  like, I really am, like, really interested.
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  I heard this podcast.
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  I'm really interested in, like, starting to bring some, you know, mojo, juju back to the
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  relationship, and I wanna, like, experience with some dirty text.
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  Like, how would you feel about that?
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  You know?
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  And that that, I think, can be a helpful thing to just set people up for success in advance.
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  What about just, like, from the other side of things?
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  Like, sometimes I talk to couples where one person has started a sexting scenario, and the
• 17:13
  other person hasn't responded just because they're like, it's so new, and they're like, I
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  don't even know what to say.
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  And, like, sometimes when I'm talking to, like, that other, partner, sometimes they don't
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  respond just because everything feels, like, embarrassing or not right or not hot enough, or
• 17:28
  they get in their own head around, like, you know, how is their partner going to receive it?
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  And and they stop themselves, not because they don't want to, not because they don't like it,
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  but because it's almost like it's just so new and it's like that that paralysis by analysis
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  scenario.
• 17:43
  So what do you say to the receiver in that scenario?
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  So, I would say, from the person who sent it, I I it feels like they've pulled down their pants
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  and and shown you something and then you've just ignored it.
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  And so that's why I can see that, you know, the hurt happening.
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  I would say, firstly, love it.
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  Love the text.
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  So send give them so leaving it this person standing there naked, I don't think is very
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  kind, especially if you do want to respond.
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  And then I would you might just give them something like, you're really good at this.
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  So and then they might give you something more.
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  And I would say to either say you're not good at it and but give them something in text, and
• 18:33
  then you can have another discussion.
• 18:34
  I'm sure they'd be very encouraging, or just give it a go.
• 18:38
  Yeah.
• 18:39
  Just have a go, you know?
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  And what have you got to lose?
• 18:45
  And I think that's another area where you can circle back around later in the day too or in
• 18:49
  the week and having these, you know, conscious check ins where it's like, oh, that was like a
• 18:54
  little you know, that felt a little awkward to me, or how was the response?
• 18:57
  And actually just, like like, not make it so serious, you know, I think can be a really,
• 19:02
  great way of, of responding to it.
• 19:05
  And, you know, another thing that I've seen come up, and I've seen this come up in myself
• 19:09
  too, is, like, sometimes my partner will send me something, and it's, like, great, and I love
• 19:16
  it, and I love responding to it, but I have 17 different things going on at work.
• 19:21
  And I get this text, and it's like, I can't even drop into that feeling, you know, in which
• 19:28
  case, I will do something like, you know, heart it, and then I will generally make myself,
• 19:33
  like, a note to, like, oh, yeah.
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  Circle back, and I will actually write this on my to do list real fast.
• 19:38
  Like, circle back to text.
• 19:39
  So that later
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  yeah.
• 19:41
  So that later when it's like, okay.
• 19:43
  Now I can go back, and now I can reread it, and now actually drop into the energy and celebrate
• 19:48
  that energy and feel it and respond to that place.
• 19:51
  So that's another thing I've seen to work really well is, like, because it can be
• 19:55
  sometimes hard in the middle of the day with work, kids, whatever anybody's doing to, like,
• 20:00
  automatically switch into sexy tone if that's not where their head is at the moment.
• 20:05
  Do you have any other thoughts on in that regard?
• 20:08
  A good a really interesting thing came up for me when you were saying that, and that is the
• 20:12
  warm up getting warmed up, and I think it's a little bit like actual sex.
• 20:17
  Men can sort of jump jump straight in, and I think women take a while to be warmed up.
• 20:24
  So, yeah, I think that's a great strategy.
• 20:27
  Yeah.
• 20:27
  Exactly.
• 20:28
  It's very true.
• 20:29
  It's like we you know, just like in the bedroom, most women require, like, that twenty
• 20:33
  minutes of getting revved up and warmed up, and and it can be the same thing here too.
• 20:37
  Like, sometimes, like you said, key mistakes is fast.
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  And, you know, I know you were talking about fast sometimes from, like, that too early, but
• 20:44
  I think there's also that fast as, like, too quickly jumping to, you know, the texting
• 20:49
  around, I wanna jump my your bones when it you know, it might be good to start, like, softer
• 20:53
  and warm up and let the conversation build.
• 20:55
  Right?
• 20:56
  Yeah.
• 20:56
  And I love it that you put it on your to do list for later.
• 21:00
  I'm like, alright.
• 21:01
  You know, that shows a caring relationship to me.
• 21:05
  Yeah.
• 21:05
  Yeah.
• 21:05
  It's very important to me, and if it doesn't get on my to do list, likely it doesn't get
• 21:09
  done.
• 21:09
  So it just has to add be added to the list for sure.
• 21:13
  Well, know in part two, and everybody remember below the videos, we can you will always find
• 21:18
  links, so you're gonna find links to Maureen's book.
• 21:22
  You're going to find information on how to access part two.
• 21:24
  In part two, we're gonna talk about what men and women both do wrong during sex.
• 21:29
  Super excited to hear what Maureen says about that.
• 21:32
  Is there anything else from this sexting conversation though that we haven't said today
• 21:36
  that you wanna make sure we get in here today?
• 21:39
  Life's too short.
• 21:41
  Like, explore it.
• 21:42
  Have fun.
• 21:44
  Yeah.
• 21:45
  Exactly.
• 21:45
  Exactly.
• 21:46
  I think so many times we, like, overcomplicate it sex and we take it too seriously, and it is
• 21:51
  serious and it's not all at the same time.
• 21:53
  Thank you so much for that.
• 21:55
  Thank you for being here today, everybody.
• 21:57
  I hope that you will go to the link in the show notes.
• 22:00
  How to Get Laid on Tinder is the name of Maureen's book, and get that and we'll see you
• 22:05
  all again in part two.
• 22:10
  Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
• 22:12
  Please don't keep me a secret.
• 22:14
  Please share this with your friends.
• 22:16
  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.