Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When Your Kid Believes In Something You Disagree With

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When Your Kid Believes In Something You Disagree With · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today. I am going to talk about what to
• 0:11
  do when your child starts to believe in something that you
• 0:13
  don't believe in. And whether that is a religion
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  political belief system, any sort of values-based ideology at
• 0:23
  all and how to handle this so that you protect against
• 0:27
  potentially ruining the relationship, when the child is
• 0:31
  older and I see the aftermath of that a lot and I'll talk to you
• 0:34
  a bit about What I see in that regard.
• 0:38
  So before I do that, of course, I'm going to tell you to
• 0:41
  subscribe. I'm getting more and more
• 0:43
  subscribers, which is great. Recently.
• 0:45
  I did the episode about men who can't trust and attachment
• 0:48
  Theory and, you know, all the sex ones, oral sex on women,
• 0:53
  everything like that. So, please do subscribe.
• 0:56
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• 0:58
  And also join my Facebook group. If you like to talk to
• 1:01
  like-minded people in private about some of these issues.
• 1:05
  That I bring up. Okay.
• 1:06
  So, what am I talking about today?
• 1:09
  So, I see a lot of adult children who are estranged from
• 1:13
  parents, and I see a lot of the parents that they're estranged
• 1:18
  from, because that's something that I work with.
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  And these are really sad situations.
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  Obviously. Nobody wants to end up estranged
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  from parent and certainly no parent wants a child to be
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  estranged from them. So what sorts of behaviors and
• 1:32
  early, you know, Adolescence usually lead to these sorts of
• 1:38
  outcomes where people feel so distant from their parents.
• 1:42
  One thing that I've seen that relates to this a lot.
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  And I also do have a podcast out on a strange moment if you're
• 1:48
  more interested in that topic or if it relates to your situation.
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  But anyway, one thing that I really see that is a risk factor
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  is when a parent is really invalidating toward a child's
• 2:01
  belief system. So you may think like Like all
• 2:05
  right. So my you know, 14 year old
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  decided that he's a Buddhist out of nowhere.
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  And so I'm supposed to think that that's normal.
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  That's crazy. We're Catholic.
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  He's just going through some shit.
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  And of course, I'm going to still make it go to church
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  because that's what we do in our family.
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  And that may seem normal to you and that may seem like being a
• 2:24
  good parent to you. But to your kid that may not
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  have the same sort of feel that may feel very disrespectful of
• 2:33
  their belief system. Now, Why would a child that is
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  in young adolescents, or later? Adolescence, or, of course,
• 2:40
  people still do disrespect the opinions of adult children as
• 2:44
  well, and I can get to that too. But, but the, the more the
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  least, the less controversial thing is, for a parent to just
• 2:55
  say, well, no, I'm the parent and you're still going to do
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  what I'm going to do. When a kid is a child, like many
• 3:00
  people, agree that it would be wrong, and rude.
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  For a parent to not respect like a 25 year, olds choice of
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  religion, but many people still do think that if they're under
• 3:13
  your roof and they should respect your belief system, and
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  that would mean that they go and they do what you want them to do
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  now. Yeah, there is that you know
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  that if you're under my roof you do what I want you to do, but
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  you got to be careful with that the older they get because when
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  it's something that's very important to the child.
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  Totally normal, by the way, so, why would they decide to have a
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  different religion than you? Because they're deciding who
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  they are as a person right there deciding that they have their
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  own identity. And that's totally normal.
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  That is a way that they individuate from you and
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  practice being an independent healthy, young adult, even
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  before they are a young adult even while they're still an
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  adolescent. So kids decide that they don't,
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  for example care about, you know, the hobby that they always
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  cared about or the your curricular or they want to stop
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  playing violin, even though they've been playing it for so
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  long. And you spent like lots and lots
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  of money on violin lessons or they decide that they want to be
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  a Buddhist like in my example or they decide anything else.
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  Now, you do not have to agree with their philosophy in order
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  to respect it. Right?
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  So as long as your child is not hurting anybody and as long as
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  they are not hurting themselves, so like if your child says my My
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  New Philosophy is that I am going to become a drug addict.
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  Yeah. No, like that's you know, that
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  could kill you so you don't want to do that.
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  That's also illegal. So you would have the right to
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  say that you don't want that in your house and that that's very
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  unhealthy, but we're talking more about belief systems and
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  these are things that kids try out who don't actually want to
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  hurt you. So some parents think that it's
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  to spite me and my Catholic Family that my son chose to be
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  Buddhist. That's not really usually it.
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  You know, it's usually that's something about the philosophy
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  appeals to a sensitive child. That does a lot of, you know,
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  looking at, you know, social media and reading, and whatever,
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  and something about this appeals to them.
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  And what's so interesting, is that, when the parent just comes
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  down as a harsh know, they neglect the opportunity and a
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  really is an opportunity to be curious and to learn why.
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  The child even is drawn to this sort of thing is so interesting
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  because Like, let's say, like y'all keep going with the
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  Buddhist example, which is hypothetical.
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  But so the parent might even say my kids crazy.
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  I'm going to send them to a therapist wants me at damn
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  Buddhist, you know, and it's like, is the therapist though
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  would be like, oh, you know, Jim tell me why you want to be a
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  Buddhist and that's like the only adult that's like
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  interested, you know, so like it would be good for the parents to
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  send Jim to a therapist to talk about you.
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  You know, his Buddhism that adult is going to be curious in
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  the way that the parents should be curious.
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  Instead parents, take it as a slap in the face, a rejection of
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  everything that they are and they don't see that the child is
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  trying to really just be their own person and they neglect.
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  This opportunity to be very curious about the emotional
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  development of their child. Like, if Jim said, his favorite
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  book was Catcher in the Rye, then the parent might be like,
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  oh, you know, why do you identify with Holden Caulfield
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  or whatever? But if the kid says, Want to be
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  a Buddhist. Then that's like, so
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  intimidating and so threatening. So it's just taking it.
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  Such a rejection of the parents values that many parents miss
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  the opportunity completely to express that same curiosity into
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  deeply, learn about their child and to bond with their child.
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  And even to allow the child to convince them.
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  You know that Buddhism is pretty cool.
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  Not that they're going to become a Buddhism after 50 years being
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  a Catholic. But you see my point that they
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  could say, oh you have a point or Right, and the kid would feel
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  so validated. If you said, oh, you have a
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  point. Now, if you fast forward 10 or
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  20 years, the parents that said, no, you're not going to be a
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  Buddhist. You're going to be a goddamn
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  Catholic. Those parents are both were at
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  risk. From what I see in my office.
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  These are the sorts of arguments that end up putting the
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  parent-child relationship at risk later on, because the child
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  usually doesn't go back. Even if they come back to
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  Catholicism, which they, well, may they don't forget about how
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  shame that humiliated they felt when they had their little
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  exploration into Buddhism that the parent really, really
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  condescended to and made them feel like shit about and they
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  don't forget that and then when there's some other thing that
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  comes up like they tell their parent, you know what, I think
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  getting my MBA was the wrong decision, and I'm going to go
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  back to school. And then the parent says
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  something like, that's crazy, spend all that money on that
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  MBA. Well, then, sometimes that's the
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  straw that broke the camel's back and the kid is done, kind
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  of their done confiding in the parent and they start to have a
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  very strained tense relationship with the parent, because they do
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  not believe that they get, you know, ever really support from
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  the parent whenever they make a decision.
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  And this is going to be rooted in their mind, consciously or
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  not all the way back. Usually consciously to the
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  Buddhism Dubai. So the point that I'm making
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  here is when you are about to sit.
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  Tell your child that their new belief system is stupid.
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  Maybe not your maybe you're too sophisticated to use that word.
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  But when you're about to try to argue them out of their belief
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  system, whether it's a new political belief or religious or
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  really anything, you got to think about why it's so
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  threatening to you. And what is potentially on the
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  line here, frequently, what's on the line is your child thinking
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  that you respect them at all? All I mean, is it really that
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  important? If your child doesn't do the
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  same thing that you do? Why is that so important to you?
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  Why is it so threatening to you to have your child pick
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  something different frequently. This is because of multiple
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  reasons, a, we ourselves were not allowed to pick something
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  different from our parents, so somehow we feel like, well,
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  shit, that's just how it goes. Kind of forgetting that we may
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  have deep resentment. Toward our parents for not
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  allowing us to be our own people, right?
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  And And also, you can feel like this is a personal rejection of
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  you at your core because the belief that they're going
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  against is something very deeply held by you.
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  So I see this frequently with work ethic, right?
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  So if a child, so if a father built his own Empire, with his
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  Blood, Sweat and Tears and he works, you know, as 70 hours a
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  week on a short week and then the sun basically says I was
• 10:02
  screw it. Like I'm just going to kind of
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  work it too. Target play video games, you
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  know, have a 40-hour week and I don't really want that much.
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  And that's how I'm going to live my life and be happy, no stress.
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  I'm not living off of you, you know, so what do you care?
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  Well, I mean, like, what does the guy care, really?
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  What if that man and I frequently have clients like
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  this. We're in therapy.
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  We would be exploring why it is so deeply threatening to him
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  that his son has rejected, his lifestyle, you know, and what it
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  means to him. And whether that's fair to his
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  son and And importantly, whether the relationship with his son is
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  more important overall then whether or not his son also gets
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  a Harvard Business Degree or what have you.
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  So if you are child has started to make these little inroads,
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  these like little tendrils of trying to be an independent
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  person. Then those are things.
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  You don't have to jump up and down with excitement, but it's
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  good to express benign. Curiosity certainly good to To
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  Tamp down. Some of you are immediate
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  dismissive, condescending, knee-jerk responses.
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  Those are things that especially to sensitive children.
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  They will not forget. And I mean, they will, they will
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  probably dig in their heels and everybody really knows this at
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  their core, you know, like this is known.
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  If you tell a kid they can't do something.
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  Well, what are they going to do? You know frequently, they're
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  going to do it. They're going to do it later on
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  and they're going to do it with with abandon, you know, like
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  what? Way more excitement and verb
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  than they even would have done. If you hadn't told them they
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  couldn't do it, just like Romeo and Juliet, right?
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  Kept from each other and then they're more into each other.
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  So the point being so let's say your child comes to you and says
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  I'm going to be, you know, a vegetarian and you're like a
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  super big barbecuer instead of saying that's so stupid.
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  Where the hell you going to get your protein from?
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  That's a stupid thing to say. You know, why did you say?
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  Oh why, you know, and then you kill probably say some stuff.
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  Let's see, some other stuff. And if you go back and forth
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  with him, like you respect him, he's gonna blossom in that
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  conversation and he's going to feel like, wow, dad really, you
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  know the respect me and I thought that he was going to
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  come down like a heavy and instead he did it boy.
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  Like this was a nice interaction your teenage Sons not to
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  articulate that in his brain in those words, but he will have a
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  positive. Warm sensation about the idea of
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  interacting with you that especially because probably he's
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  no fool. He's lived with you forever.
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  He probably didn't think it would go.
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  Well, you know, and if there is any part of your child's adopted
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  belief system that is has been adopted to spite you, you know,
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  your worst fear. You being cool about it is going
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  to take all of the wind out of the sails of that sort of
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  spiteful motivation. So either add more genuine could
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  be left or no motivation, you know, because like if that kid
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  was just literally hate to Dad and was like, what's a way to
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  fuck with him? The way that he fucks with me.
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  I know I'll be a vegetarian, right?
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  And if you just Express this, benign curiosity, there's going
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  to be very little for him, to push back on and so he can't get
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  you by being a vegetarian. You know, I mean, there's no
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  way. So we may still decide to be one
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  and you may decide that he has some interesting reasons that
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  would be an ideal situation now, it's You're seeing to Mel this
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  with marriage work because in John gottman's marital research.
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  He says the women This research was done a while ago.
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  We said that women the best thing for Women Within marriage
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  is to feel that they can exert influence over the husband.
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  It's if the husband accepts influence, that's like the best
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  thing that always been can do to make his wife happy then on the
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  other end, o, the best thing a woman can do is a gentle
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  approach when she wants to bring up issues.
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  That's you can can gut check to see if you how You and your
• 14:05
  spouse are doing on those. But either way, it's interesting
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  because I've seen teenagers respond in that same way as the
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  women do and gottman's research. Probably because historically
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  women have had less power in the relationship, possibly, when
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  this research was conducted. So, it seems like a real big win
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  that a real big, exciting moment.
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  If you can get somebody who's usually in charge to accept
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  influence and I believe that teenagers likely feel the same.
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  So, if you're in charge of everything being the parent, but
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  they can get you to change your mind on something.
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  Boy, do they feel great about themselves and that confidence
• 14:39
  May really be Bowie and bolster their self-image and their
• 14:44
  self-esteem in a way that you find a pretty good because it
• 14:48
  means that they could be more confident at school and one day
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  at work and an interpersonal relationships because well, you
• 14:55
  know, even dad who so, you know, impressive and usually difficult
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  to, you know, change his mind even he changed his mind a
• 15:02
  little bit or at least said something like good.
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  Point. I have my podcast about those
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  are the most two important words that you could say, is, like,
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  good point. But it's that's really a good
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  one to use with a teenager. Because if you say, good point
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  to a teenager, they're going to feel like they're on top of the
• 15:17
  world, right? Because you're usually, so not
• 15:20
  convinced because you're living your life.
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  You've had your life experience. You're making your choices, they
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  come in and say something and, you know, usually it has minimal
• 15:28
  impact on what you actually do. But when I see this with my
• 15:32
  young adult clients, if they for example, Introduce the their
• 15:36
  parent to like, a new way of eating or a new way of thinking
• 15:40
  about something. Or even if they're older mother
• 15:43
  starts to do the damn were do because they introduced their
• 15:45
  mother to the Wordle. They feel great.
• 15:48
  And this this is his lifelong really that children feel so
• 15:52
  good about themselves if they can make a parent, change their
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  mind and adopt something or even just validate their adoption of
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  a belief system or even a something as Silly as a really
• 16:07
  silly in the larger context as a way of eating or a thing to do
• 16:11
  on the computer. I mean really anything the I
• 16:14
  have people that come in and they're like 40 years old and
• 16:17
  they're like Matt. They're like, my mother keeps
• 16:19
  complaining about her computer and I tell her to update Windows
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  and she won't update Windows. I can't believe she doesn't
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  update Windows. I told her I would update
• 16:26
  Windows for her. Why won't you update Windows?
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  There's so mad. They're not met over windows.
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  They're mad because they can't their mother won't listen to
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  that. Which means their mother doesn't
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  respect them on some level and of course, we could talk all
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  about. Why?
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  From their mothers perspective. It might be threatening to
• 16:43
  update Windows, but I'll tell you, the relationship would go a
• 16:47
  lot better if their mother just updated the damn windows or let
• 16:49
  the kid do it, because he's offering.
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  So, you know, there are two sides to this obviously as with
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  anything, but if you're listening to this as a parent,
• 16:58
  what you can take away from this is a child finds it extremely
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  validating and a source of A closeness connection and mutual
• 17:07
  respect when there can be a curious interested response
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  rather than a response like, well, that's just wrong, you
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  know, and especially in the teen years.
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  It's very the parent-child relationship can grow fragile.
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  And then on the other side the parent and child can grow close
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  again, but only if there have not been so many terrible
• 17:29
  empathic ruptures and you could go back to my empathic rupture
• 17:33
  podcast. That's not It's within and to my
• 17:35
  relationships that can happen and you can think back.
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  Of course. It happens with family.
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  Of course, it happens so much with parents and children.
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  And in fact, estrangement occurs, when there have been so
• 17:46
  many empathic ruptures that the child can no longer get over it.
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  And you do not need something about Buddhism or vegetarianism
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  or whatever or not playing the violin or what have you to be
• 17:58
  the source of any potential risk factor for estrangement with
• 18:02
  your child later on. Does this mean you have to Be a
• 18:05
  doormat and agree with everything your child says.
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  No, but if you are the one listening to this, where this
• 18:11
  resonates with you, you're in, no danger of that.
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  You're not the one who's a doormat.
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  You're the one who the child feels like, doesn't take them as
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  seriously. So therefore any time that you
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  can take them seriously will be remembered as a closeness and a
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  connecting time. A time which really secures and
• 18:32
  reinforces your relationship. Rise.
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  If you respond with this immediate out of hand, rejection
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  of whatever the new belief is, then you risk the opposite of
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  kind of a distance making mechanism there.
• 18:47
  That puts the relationship at risk.
• 18:49
  All right. Well, I hope you guys found this
• 18:51
  interesting and a value and certainly do subscribe.
• 18:53
  If you did add. Have a great night.