Latest / Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage / Cage Match: The Podcast: The Game. Part II. Bobos and Nodes

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Cage Match: The Podcast: The Game. Part II. Bobos and Nodes · Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage

• 0:01
  Oh God. Oh my God. Hello and welcome back to
• 0:24
  Cage Match, colon, a roundabout way of meeting
• 0:26
  Nicolas Cage. I am your producer, Peter. Without
• 0:29
  my... co -hosts Sean and Nick. This is part two
• 0:35
  of our D &D -ish Nick Cage universe tabletop
• 0:43
  RPG that we played. We are joined by our special
• 0:47
  friends and guests, Alec Wilson and Daryl Edge,
• 0:51
  who are playing some of the Nick Cages in this.
• 0:54
  If you haven't listened to part one, I highly
• 0:56
  recommend going back and starting there. This
• 0:59
  is the conclusive half, and it's pretty stupid,
• 1:02
  and I'm sure you can make it through if you didn't
• 1:05
  know anything, but definitely go check it out.
• 1:07
  If not, I'm going to give you a little quick
• 1:09
  recap right now. We see a glittering city of
• 1:13
  emerald. and four pulses of light leap out from
• 1:16
  the topmost spire, flashing like lightning in
• 1:18
  a near dark. Inside of those four beams, we see
• 1:21
  the symbols of vampire teeth, legs pantyhose,
• 1:23
  a fuzzy bunny, and a truffle. Oh, Christ, where
• 1:27
  am I? Where am I? Oh, Christ. I'm not dead. I'm
• 1:32
  a vampire. This big tuna fuck you sign, is it
• 1:36
  pointing towards a structure of any kind? Yeah,
• 1:39
  so Big Tuna, from what you can see in the distance,
• 1:43
  looks like any off -the -highway kind of small
• 1:46
  town. I'll start with the microwave. I'll kick
• 1:51
  open the side door and try to throw the microwave
• 1:54
  to deter this motorcyclist from hell. I'm going
• 2:00
  to walk to the door and then just, covered in
• 2:04
  blood, just look out that this bike is going
• 2:07
  past. Are you a vampire? He says, if it weren't
• 2:13
  for that weird dirty one, I wouldn't have said
• 2:16
  nothing to you. But ain't supposed to be no cages
• 2:21
  out here. What's a cage? You see a really nice
• 2:30
  big ass car kind of roll slowly up to you. and
• 2:35
  it's uh driven by one man and in the passenger
• 2:38
  seat is another man with little tiny disgusting
• 2:40
  teeth and a pencil mustache named bobby peru
• 2:44
  and he turns and says how y 'all doing all right
• 2:50
  so you all are in big tuna with bobby's peru
• 2:53
  and uh they bring you to this table kind of in
• 2:55
  the middle it's just open you can see people
• 2:57
  around they're making hot pornos everywhere a
• 3:00
  lot of big ladies you know it is what it is it's
• 3:02
  texas style And out of a couple other motel rooms
• 3:08
  comes six more Bobby Perus. And they all sit
• 3:11
  at the table with the four of you. Now, hi, this
• 3:16
  whole time, you've got a Bobby Peru basically
• 3:19
  in your ear just talking about all the treasures
• 3:21
  and successes that are in that vault. Everything
• 3:24
  you could ever dream of. All you got to do is
• 3:26
  this one score, son. Yeah, actually, Rob, the
• 3:30
  post office is open. It's staffed by just one
• 3:32
  person. I mean. is it a bobby peru it is not
• 3:36
  a bobby peru it's just a schmuck from okay from
• 3:40
  big tuna universe okay i've heard this before
• 3:43
  what exactly is a cage well i don't know how
• 3:47
  to describe it other than one of you uh you look
• 3:49
  different a lot of the time sometimes skinnier
• 3:52
  sometimes teeth different sometimes hair different
• 3:54
  uh different accents a lot of boston a lot of
• 3:58
  boston um but yeah i see a lot of you but not
• 4:03
  for a long time. So you do find a letter. It's
• 4:07
  this kind of gilded letter. And in this particular
• 4:11
  one, it says, Mr. Furpo, you are welcomed back
• 4:17
  to the Emerald City. You are expected here tomorrow.
• 4:22
  And if you are not present, we will come find
• 4:25
  you. Can I? Possible that I can somehow convince
• 4:30
  them that we are to be trusted and that I can
• 4:33
  be their leader. I'm going to have you roll for
• 4:37
  that. It's about time. I will tell you, I rolled
• 4:44
  four successes. You need to go fuck yourself,
• 4:48
  other people. Roll hot, Daryl. You have convinced
• 4:54
  the majority of the Bobbies Peru. uh there are
• 4:58
  some that still are maybe not trustworthy in
• 5:01
  this situation but in theory you have we'll say
• 5:04
  five bobby's peru that are kind of like that's
• 5:08
  our dude seems like a proper cage cage out moment
• 5:11
  this could be a cage out moment if you wanted
• 5:13
  to oh god i could you know what i'm gonna cage
• 5:19
  out fuck yeah roll them dice roll them bones
• 5:22
  all right Eight dice. I swear to God if they
• 5:25
  all fail I'm killing myself. I'm going the way
• 5:30
  of the pros here. Alright. Six of the eight are
• 5:39
  successes. Fuck yes. And then with my own Peter
• 5:43
  Lowe hand I end and just put like a gun symbol
• 5:47
  of my hand into my mouth and say I think all
• 5:51
  these Bobby Peru should Bobby do and die themselves.
• 5:55
  Bang, bang. And it's a cascade of Bobby Peru
• 6:01
  heads just pop, pop, pop, pop. And seven Bobby
• 6:08
  Peru heads land in the dirt, all of them wearing
• 6:11
  legs pantyhose. Spine still attached. Yeah, exactly.
• 6:15
  So. You have escaped my Bobby Peru puzzle. Did
• 6:20
  they leave a car behind? Oh yeah, there's the
• 6:26
  nice big car that you guys rode in off the highway.
• 6:29
  Yeah, we should definitely jump in that and start
• 6:31
  heading for the Emerald City. Yeah. I'm already
• 6:35
  in the trunk. I'll just be laying down in the
• 6:40
  back. Dramatically closing the trunk on yourself.
• 6:48
  All right, so let's get back to it. So you guys
• 6:50
  are on the road to the Emerald City. You're on
• 6:53
  this golden or this yellow highway. And what's
• 6:58
  your approach? Are you just going fucking balls
• 7:00
  to the wall straight to the front gate? Or what
• 7:02
  do you want to do? Do you want to just jump this
• 7:07
  bitch? Is there a ramp that'll take us over the
• 7:14
  wall? No. If you all want to die, yeah, absolutely.
• 7:22
  That's where the episode ends. We just explode.
• 7:26
  Just crashing into the wall. It wasn't much of
• 7:29
  a ramp. Just a slight hillock. Yeah, no. Front
• 7:37
  door. This is where the answers are. Yeah. Presumably.
• 7:46
  Unless I'm full of shit. You have lied to me
• 7:50
  in the past. I've also been predominantly Bobby
• 7:53
  Peru's so far. So fair enough. Yeah. But OK.
• 7:59
  Yeah. So, yeah, you drive right up to the front
• 8:02
  gate. Yeah. And what you see there is what I
• 8:07
  can only describe as a monstrosity barring the
• 8:11
  way it is. Let's see. It's as if a giant Ron
• 8:17
  Perlman head was on a tiny waiter's body, but
• 8:22
  also holding a broadsword. The Alpha Bobo. Exactly,
• 8:28
  the Alpha Bobo. It's Bobos on Bobos all day long.
• 8:33
  But holding a giant broadsword, sort of like
• 8:35
  a Cloud Strife Buster Sword style fuck -you -up
• 8:38
  broadsword, and wearing a Crusader helmet as
• 8:42
  well. Looks like a very metal toad helmet. Yes.
• 8:46
  I get all these references. It's almost like
• 8:52
  you've watched Nick Cage movies. Almost exclusively.
• 8:57
  So this Bobo homunculus just says halt. Stop.
• 9:06
  Yeah. None shall pass. And it's sort of eating
• 9:12
  pistachios. well sir but just gross like eating
• 9:21
  the whole shell and everything too okay now we
• 9:28
  got a meeting inside of this here wall with the
• 9:31
  wizard would you kindly open up we got a message
• 9:43
  The Bobo seems pretty confused. The Bobo also
• 9:47
  does not seem particularly smart. All cages have
• 9:51
  been removed. Well, now that's fine. Because
• 9:57
  I'm not a cage. And I do not wish to be in a
• 10:01
  cage. I just kind of... Ah, fuck it, I punch
• 10:09
  him in the face. Can I just get in? Yeah, dude.
• 10:13
  Great. So you get the element of surprise, but
• 10:17
  you're doing something that's hard because Bobo
• 10:19
  is like a gigantic fucking freak. So we'll do
• 10:22
  a two. Okay. I'm going to use my incredible athleticism.
• 10:27
  I'm adding some bonus dice for myself because
• 10:30
  Bobo is big. Okay. And yeah, use your athleticism.
• 10:35
  Wait, how many dice are you rolling? Well, I've
• 10:38
  got two dice currently. One for punching. One
• 10:42
  for sweet athleticism. And you just start with
• 10:46
  one, too. And you start with one, yeah. Yeah.
• 10:49
  Well, sure, yeah. Right, so two for that. Yeah,
• 10:53
  okay. Oh, you know what? Yeah, do it. When I
• 11:01
  get out of the car, I'm just going to pull up
• 11:05
  and sort of swing my head back and let the breeze
• 11:08
  just catch me. So I'll catch the breeze here.
• 11:13
  And it's so fucking beautiful. Your hair just
• 11:15
  whips in the wind. You get a little twinkle in
• 11:18
  your eye. And as he's caught off guard with that,
• 11:22
  then I lay in with a roundhouse kick from my
• 11:26
  cowboy boot. Do it. Roll them. Two successes.
• 11:32
  I had three successes. Son of a bitch. Now, this
• 11:36
  is a chance. We haven't played with this yet.
• 11:38
  You all, the other three of you, can grant a
• 11:42
  re -roll if you feel like that was particularly
• 11:45
  playing to Cage. Oh, the hair in the wind was
• 11:47
  absolutely Cage. Yeah. But you only get one of
• 11:51
  these each, so you have to be discerning about
• 11:54
  using it. I will use this opportunity to grant
• 11:59
  a re -roll. Definitely. Re -roll that shit and
• 12:01
  see if you get better. Oh my god. To get three
• 12:04
  of three? That's a lot of pressure. I rolled
• 12:07
  really well. I still only have two successes.
• 12:11
  Ah, okay. So you have this beautiful, beautiful
• 12:14
  roundhouse kick that goes straight into this
• 12:16
  Bobo's face, but their tiny little waiter arm
• 12:19
  comes up and grabs it real quick and kind of
• 12:20
  flings it away. Not my first cage. Then it seems
• 12:27
  we are at an impasse. I'll hop out. Well, now,
• 12:32
  now, Bella. What would it take for us to get
• 12:36
  through this gate here? My instructions are,
• 12:41
  nobody enters. Ah, but what if I were to offer
• 12:46
  you this fine piece of literature to take out
• 12:49
  of Juggs Magazine? Uh, the gross waiter version
• 12:58
  of Bobo is kind of like, hmm. But Ron Perlman
• 13:02
  is above that kind of chicanery. It's more where
• 13:07
  that came from. I take out another one. Just
• 13:10
  jugs on jugs on jugs on jugs. Until he says yes.
• 13:17
  Okay, yeah. This is going to be a tough one.
• 13:19
  Roll me three. Okay. So for the roll, I've got
• 13:25
  my smooth talking. You got jugs. And you're using
• 13:29
  jugs. And your regular roll. So you got three.
• 13:31
  If you can get anything else, if a driver skill,
• 13:34
  otherwise, oh, smooth talking already did. Yeah,
• 13:36
  I did smooth talking. I think that's probably
• 13:39
  all that I have that applies to this situation.
• 13:42
  Okay, let's see. Wow. that no none zero that
• 13:49
  was that was terrible so uh the bobo arms the
• 13:55
  the waiter arms sort of grab a bunch of jugs
• 13:57
  but then the ron perlman brain takes over and
• 14:01
  crunches them up in its mouth with a bunch of
• 14:03
  pistachios at the same time and just says iago
• 14:07
  there's a lot i don't like about that oh dear
• 14:16
  Rob's gonna, like, get out of the car and approach
• 14:19
  this thing. You said, so your instructions are
• 14:25
  to not let anyone in. Correct. And all the cages
• 14:30
  have been removed? Removed. Stands to reason,
• 14:37
  if all the cages are removed, and we are cages,
• 14:41
  we cannot be here. And are no one, so you can
• 14:46
  just let us go by. You can see this massive brain
• 14:52
  calculating that fucking mindfuck. Logic trap!
• 14:59
  Yeah. Okay. A three roll for you as well, Rob.
• 15:06
  Alright. Why do I only roll well when I'm a GM?
• 15:14
  The power's gone to your head. I'm trying to
• 15:17
  think what I can use here. I think I can only
• 15:22
  get one on this with... This is getting kind
• 15:27
  of heady. This is being true to myself and asking
• 15:30
  him to ponder the makings of reality. Yep. All
• 15:36
  right. That's one success. I had two successes.
• 15:46
  so unfortunately you do not penetrate the big
• 15:49
  bobo's brain um they sort of resettle their sword
• 15:54
  into the ground and just square up are so uh
• 15:59
  the walls of the city are like quite quite high
• 16:03
  um they seem pretty sheer uh i mean you could
• 16:10
  arguably try and figure out a way to do something
• 16:12
  with those walls and avoid this, but it seems
• 16:15
  very difficult. Well, you gave it a try, I gave
• 16:19
  it a try, you gave it a try, I popped the trunk.
• 16:24
  Only one of you can fly. I just rise from my
• 16:29
  hails. You rang. Peter, we need to get through
• 16:38
  this gate. Well, I'm all out of Peru, but I guess
• 16:44
  I could give it a try. I was going to drag my
• 16:47
  piece of pallet, my blood around my face and
• 16:50
  go to the Bobos. I'm a vampire. And I'm going
• 16:56
  to show him the Heatherton contract. But you
• 16:58
  know what this is? I've been looking for this
• 17:02
  contract since 1963. And I'm a vampire. So I
• 17:09
  think you're going to let me in or I'm going
• 17:12
  to turn into a bat and shit on you. So this part
• 17:18
  of Bobo is activated by this because Bobo fucking
• 17:22
  hates vampires and devils and possession. And
• 17:26
  that sword is up and coming down right at you,
• 17:30
  Peter. Oh no. You're going to roll three to try
• 17:34
  and not take grievous damage. Oh, I just got
• 17:37
  healed as well. All that Bobby Peru blood for
• 17:41
  nothing. I know that sweet Peru blood. If I'm
• 17:46
  seeing that sword come up, I really can't let
• 17:51
  him just take it. I need to get in there and
• 17:54
  like try to block it as well. Yep, that's fair.
• 17:56
  So let's let's see what Daryl rolls and then
• 17:59
  we'll add you to the mix. Yeah, I just want to
• 18:02
  help Daryl here. Yeah. All right. So let me give
• 18:07
  Daryl a die in assistance. Sure, sure. Yeah,
• 18:10
  here, roll one additional one. Okay, so I've
• 18:13
  rolled three. I'm rolling an additional three
• 18:17
  successes. Oh, yeah, you fucking do it. I don't
• 18:20
  know how. So describe this. This buster sword
• 18:23
  is coming down directly toward you. It's massive.
• 18:26
  I mean, it's the size of your fucking body. How
• 18:28
  does Peter Lowe not get cleaved in twain? I just,
• 18:35
  like, drop to the ground and, like, scurry towards
• 18:38
  its legs. I just, like, fling the pallet at its
• 18:43
  shins. You do one trivial harm. Yes! And I just
• 18:52
  start, like, hissing and, like, gnawing at the
• 18:55
  ankle. Fuck yes. Okay. So, yeah, you're now worrying
• 19:00
  the ankle of the bobos. Who wants to go next?
• 19:06
  uh you know i'll take another swing at him yeah
• 19:09
  man while he's down there and distracted i'll
• 19:11
  um because he's distracted it's just gonna be
• 19:14
  a two okay that's perfect um yeah and then haha
• 19:22
  two sixes damn dog nerd so what do you do uh
• 19:27
  this is just a straight up punch between the
• 19:29
  eyes trying to just knock him out So he does
• 19:34
  have that little like helmet cross guard thing.
• 19:36
  So you don't knock him out, but you do definitely
• 19:39
  like bloody his nose a little bit, which Bobo
• 19:42
  is not used to. Yeah. And Bobo is mad. I'm going
• 19:48
  to try and sneak around behind them and see if
• 19:50
  we can like open up this gate or if we need a
• 19:53
  key or something. Yeah. OK, that's that's cool.
• 19:55
  You got to get past Bobo. So what are you going
• 19:58
  to do? I was going to say, if I could help with
• 20:05
  providing some distraction, I was just going
• 20:08
  to, like, rock straight up to this thing and,
• 20:11
  like, present my face for punching. Because one
• 20:16
  of my skills as Rob, as Robbenfeld, is take a
• 20:19
  punch. Okay, that's beautiful. Thank you. So,
• 20:24
  yeah, you go up there and, like... non -aggressively
• 20:27
  are just standing there, correct? It's so good.
• 20:29
  Yeah. And Bobo is just fucking beating on you.
• 20:33
  And what would punch and hurt most of you all
• 20:36
  to a, you know, bloodied, you're in danger mode,
• 20:40
  you're basically just like kind of fucked up,
• 20:43
  a little bit bloody, bruised, like nothing major.
• 20:47
  How much does he punch with? Like if we were
• 20:50
  doing die? Uh, what do you mean? Just trying
• 20:55
  to get more cage die for later. Oh, sure. Yeah,
• 20:58
  here. I don't know. Take three extra die, but
• 21:04
  you do take one level of damage. All right. Can
• 21:08
  I roll to try and lessen that using my take a
• 21:11
  punch? Sure. Fuck it. Yeah. Do three die against
• 21:15
  that. All right. One success. Yeah. All right.
• 21:20
  So that you're, I mean, cosmetically a little
• 21:23
  bit like. Oh, yeah. Is that enough? That's Rob's
• 21:28
  whole shit. He looks rough, but he's usually
• 21:30
  all right. Yeah. Is that enough of a distraction
• 21:33
  so I can sneak around to take a look at the gate?
• 21:35
  Yeah. Yeah, I think that you have enough. There
• 21:38
  is a massive, massive lever that activates that
• 21:42
  gate. Jump up and try and pull down. You can
• 21:47
  try, but your weight is not enough. This takes
• 21:51
  the strength of at least two bobos. How much
• 21:57
  is four cages an equivalent to one Bobo? Well,
• 22:00
  it depends which Bobo, I suppose. This one's
• 22:03
  got little waiter arms. Yeah, these are waiter
• 22:05
  arms, but that Bobo from Moonstruck, secret strength.
• 22:13
  Inner strength. Yeah, inner strength, exactly.
• 22:15
  You understand. Can either of you help me out
• 22:20
  with this, or are you still busy dealing with
• 22:22
  Bobo? I'm gnawing on an ankle right now. Right.
• 22:25
  Yeah. Jabbing it with my like Cameron's got a
• 22:30
  Cameron pose. He's done what he needs to do.
• 22:34
  Yeah, I'll just flip Bobo's helmet around backwards
• 22:38
  and run over and just give him a hand on that.
• 22:41
  OK, I'm going to do I'm rolling for. So that's
• 22:46
  a three challenge for you because that's that's
• 22:49
  a tough move. But. You've got skills. So roll
• 22:56
  fucking well. You've got to roll against the
• 23:07
  DM who has not rolled poorly all night. Yeah,
• 23:10
  yeah. How do I make this better? I don't. Okay.
• 23:14
  Here it goes. I have a success. all right so
• 23:23
  you you attempt to swing on this helmet to sort
• 23:25
  of like pull it around but i don't know it's
• 23:28
  fastened in some way i don't know how helmets
• 23:30
  work don't ask me these things yeah you didn't
• 23:34
  fight in the crusades that's fair yeah i didn't
• 23:36
  fight in the crusades i didn't prepare for this
• 23:37
  antic uh it did not succeed and you actually
• 23:42
  now are kind of like dangling off the side of
• 23:44
  bobo because your arm is sort of caught oh god
• 23:47
  damn it uh I'm going to try and distract Bobo
• 23:53
  to see if I can get him to take a swing at me
• 23:56
  that might hit the lever. I like it. I don't
• 24:03
  know how with Peter gnawing on his ankle over
• 24:06
  there, but... So paint me the word picture here,
• 24:10
  Alec. What does High do to do this distraction?
• 24:14
  Start waving there. I was going, hey, you! Wearing
• 24:17
  the helmet up there! Over here! Over here! Jesus
• 24:23
  Christ. Alright. This is still going to be a
• 24:26
  three roll. Okay. What do I have that might help
• 24:31
  with this? Nothing. Nothing at all. This is just
• 24:38
  a single dice, I think. I'll tell you what, I
• 24:40
  only rolled one success. So if you roll against
• 24:43
  it, it'll be a push. And you'll at least get
• 24:45
  his attention. Nope, that's a three. So instead
• 24:51
  of that, the Bobo actually takes a big step back
• 24:54
  in your direction, but doesn't turn around. You
• 24:58
  are closer to being sort of squished, though.
• 25:01
  Okay. Is the Bobo wearing any chest armor or
• 25:07
  anything? Or is it just a helmet? The Bobo's
• 25:09
  wearing a nice suit. Suit, you say? Is there
• 25:13
  a necktie? absolutely oh sorry bowtie this is
• 25:16
  a service okay i'm gonna like stop gnawing the
• 25:21
  ankle for a second and just look i would say
• 25:22
  who did your tailoring i said i suit you have
• 25:26
  there what what is your goal i think we're just
• 25:34
  trying to play a distraction here because the
• 25:36
  fact we haven't all been kicked over the wall
• 25:38
  yet is incredible to me it's true uh yeah that's
• 25:43
  fair okay so you're doing some sort of annoyance
• 25:47
  just a two roll for that roll to be annoying
• 25:53
  yeah it worked it was a zero roll uh six and
• 26:00
  a five okay you do annoy and distract the bobo
• 26:05
  who says you gotta have nice pairs of pants and
• 26:08
  suits yeah if he's distracted i'd like to get
• 26:15
  myself free and like just maybe jump off of the
• 26:18
  bobo yeah like onto the lever yep okay uh so
• 26:23
  that's just like a sick acrobatic move so let's
• 26:25
  call it a it's gonna be a challenge three because
• 26:28
  you're you're doing a lot of stuff to get free
• 26:31
  and also leap and also land and grab um but i
• 26:35
  think you can do that yeah i have sick athletic
• 26:38
  athletic skills My skills are just next level
• 26:43
  athleticism and always catching the breeze. It's
• 26:48
  just what I'm good at. Your hair's got flow.
• 26:52
  Yeah, just a little flow. Yeah, I'll give it
• 26:55
  to you. You got away from an explosion. What
• 26:57
  do you want? Two successes. Okay. Yeah, that
• 27:03
  does work. So you have leapt onto this lever
• 27:05
  too. And it is still not quite enough, even though
• 27:08
  you are a brick shithouse. You have not pulled
• 27:11
  this lever down with high. I'm still close enough
• 27:14
  to like be hanging on it and nothing. Yeah. Yeah.
• 27:16
  I mean, you were you were hollering at him from
• 27:19
  there. But yeah. So the Bobo at this point is
• 27:22
  going to do kind of a spin move to just sort
• 27:25
  of like knock Peter off and arguably sort of
• 27:31
  fuck up Rob at the same time. So each of you
• 27:35
  roll three dice and you can try and protect yourself
• 27:38
  in a. way that might make sense. Take a punch.
• 27:45
  Yep. That's one success. Right. Rolling three.
• 27:52
  Three fives. Damn, dog. All right. He is a vampire.
• 27:58
  So, Peter, you're like, not only have you sort
• 28:02
  of like gnawed his leg, you now have scurried
• 28:05
  up his body a little bit and you are latched
• 28:07
  on pretty well. Rob, roll me one dice just to
• 28:12
  see if you get a success for less being fucked
• 28:14
  up. That's a four. Okay. So you end up getting
• 28:19
  launched away and thrown into the front of the
• 28:21
  car. You kind of dent the hood, but you're not
• 28:24
  hurt more. You're just not immediately in the
• 28:28
  fray. If I'm clung on to this Bobo, can I try
• 28:32
  and drive my pallet through its heart? Yeah,
• 28:36
  dude. then that's what i want to do yep um again
• 28:43
  we're gonna do a three on that because this it's
• 28:46
  a big fucking big fucking bobo you son of a bobo
• 28:51
  so you're rolling just two two dice uh i guess
• 28:58
  i am yeah What if I told you that he was wearing
• 29:02
  the insignia of a bat? I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
• 29:06
  Be a little bit horny. My erection gives me the
• 29:12
  strength of gods. It wasn't the palate that penetrated
• 29:16
  his heart. And his hog grew three sizes that
• 29:21
  day. Oh, God, please. A five and a two. Okay.
• 29:30
  I got a five and a six. That's classic you, isn't
• 29:34
  it, tonight? So you do manage to stab Bobo in
• 29:40
  the heart, but you don't have enough force to
• 29:42
  really drive that stake in enough to create grievous
• 29:45
  injury or to take this fucker down. And now you
• 29:49
  are kind of hanging on. the stake that is in
• 29:53
  Bobo. And Bobo is starting to turn around to
• 29:57
  get to the two cages on the lever. Is it possible
• 30:00
  to try and reach out and grab Peter as he's spinning
• 30:04
  to add more weight to the lever? Fuck yes, absolutely.
• 30:11
  We'll do that as a two. Yeah, nothing's going
• 30:16
  to help me with that. Reach out. I don't wait.
• 30:20
  If I could propose an idea. Oh, yeah. Fucking
• 30:24
  high. That does get spun around quite a bit.
• 30:28
  He's been spun around in a fight. He would know
• 30:30
  this in triple force. He would know where to
• 30:32
  grab. That's true. I'm not against it. All right.
• 30:38
  That's two fives. Hey, OK, so you have extracted
• 30:43
  Peter Lowe. You are now all hanging from this
• 30:46
  lever and Bobo has this steak. in their heart
• 30:50
  zone uh well while the spinning was happening
• 30:55
  uh rob would have like got set up and like oh
• 30:59
  just look back at the car and just like he's
• 31:03
  gonna get in and just try and ram it into bobo
• 31:05
  as soon as uh peter is out of the way fuck yeah
• 31:09
  um the challenge rating on this one is just a
• 31:12
  one i am cutting through the bullshit And I'm
• 31:20
  assuming this is going to hurt me as well because
• 31:22
  this is an older car. I'm assuming it doesn't
• 31:24
  have airbags. So I'm just going to like muscle
• 31:33
  through what's about to hurt real bad. Yep. That
• 31:39
  is one success. Okay. So you drive the car directly
• 31:46
  into Bobo. But. You didn't have time to buckle
• 31:50
  your seatbelt and you go straight through that
• 31:53
  fucking windshield. But the beautiful thing about
• 32:00
  this is that as you're tumbling through the air,
• 32:03
  Rob, you take out your frying pan and it collides
• 32:09
  with that pallet piece at exactly the right point
• 32:12
  and force. driving that piece directly into this
• 32:19
  Bobo's heart and it crashes over barfs up some
• 32:25
  pistachios and dies that just happened in a Zack
• 32:29
  Snyder slow -mo shot in my head and it was beautiful
• 32:33
  thank you so long as there isn't any of that
• 32:36
  like Wonder Woman like Athenian music going on
• 32:41
  in a slow motion Okay, so you have dispatched
• 32:48
  Bobo. Good work. You all get 10 experience points
• 32:51
  and level up. Yay. No, but you have done this.
• 32:58
  Rob, you see these three guys kind of all hanging
• 33:01
  on this lever and it is still not quite going
• 33:04
  anywhere. I'm just going to like walk up, grab
• 33:07
  like the lowest dangling feet, just tug. And
• 33:11
  the gate swings open. And you have access to
• 33:17
  this Emerald City. I guess we head on inside.
• 33:22
  Yeah. I imagine the car's in no state to drive.
• 33:26
  I don't know if the car's going anywhere. The
• 33:29
  car's absolutely fucked. It got robo'd. I mean,
• 33:34
  there's a palace. I say we head towards the palace.
• 33:36
  Yeah. Yeah, so as you're walking through here...
• 33:40
  I imagine it's on this yellow brick road. It
• 33:43
  sure as shit is. And what's a little troubling
• 33:46
  about this area is that there's fucking no one
• 33:49
  here. It is a ghost town. And you can see where
• 33:52
  there was a teeming life here at some point,
• 33:55
  but there's just nothing. Is there any signs
• 34:00
  that there was some life recently around? I mean,
• 34:06
  you could say that probably up till about three
• 34:08
  or so months ago. Are there any convenience stores
• 34:14
  that we walk by? Sure. Yeah, there's there's
• 34:19
  kind of like a local whatever, you know, stupid
• 34:23
  Emerald City bodega would be. I absolutely go
• 34:26
  into that bodega and clean out the register.
• 34:29
  Anything else that might look useful? yeah what's
• 34:33
  weird is that unfulfilled that there's no one
• 34:35
  there to actually rob yeah it feels like an empty
• 34:37
  victory yeah there's nothing too special about
• 34:41
  this i mean you can see some like old hot dogs
• 34:43
  on rollers that have just kind of like gone to
• 34:45
  shit over the months are they still rolling off
• 34:47
  room to people yeah good okay so you've got a
• 34:50
  bunch of pocket like horrible dogs pocket charcoal
• 34:55
  all the cash in the register has your faces on
• 34:59
  it um but like not quite your face uh i'm gonna
• 35:05
  call that cage cash cage cash yeah cage bucks
• 35:07
  um so yeah i mean anything else you want to explore
• 35:12
  in this zone before you guys head all the way
• 35:15
  to the sort of palace is there like a a newspaper
• 35:21
  box i mean you know, Emerald city seven 11 that
• 35:26
  you guys just robbed definitely had a newspaper
• 35:28
  stand. So sure. I'll grab a paper and just kind
• 35:32
  of look at the headline. What was the last date
• 35:34
  on it? The date. Yeah. Uh, many, many months
• 35:37
  ago. Um, many months ago in reference to what?
• 35:44
  We're all from different time periods too. Like
• 35:47
  what is the, what is the Emerald city calendar?
• 35:50
  It says may. Fuck you. Fair. The only thing of
• 36:07
  note on it is the headline is parade cancelled.
• 36:11
  City shutting down. What kind of parade? I mean,
• 36:18
  it was going to be a good one. What color were
• 36:20
  the balloons? Well, I mean, I think there was
• 36:24
  like a Garfield balloon with Nicolas Cage's face
• 36:28
  on it. Oh, yeah, right. Was there like a church
• 36:33
  around at all or anything like religious in this
• 36:35
  town center? OK, realistically, no, there would
• 36:42
  not be anything religious in this space. God
• 36:46
  has abandoned this town. the dead walk here this
• 36:53
  is the torture of the damned i feel the crazy
• 37:01
  one might have struck right it doesn't seem like
• 37:05
  we're gonna find many people to answer our questions
• 37:09
  here now to really throw you all off there's
• 37:13
  also just weird piles of clothing everywhere
• 37:14
  as if people were raptured but it's just it's
• 37:18
  nudist don't worry It's all little kids' clothes.
• 37:23
  It's not nudists. Walking it back real quick.
• 37:29
  The kids took their clothes. They're fine. I
• 37:33
  saw that movie. Only the children got raptured.
• 37:35
  That's true. It's true. God's a perv. I mean,
• 37:40
  if the Catholic Church is anything to go by.
• 37:43
  Fair enough. That masculine does weird stuff.
• 37:46
  Wow. all right i'll just drop that newspaper
• 37:53
  and sort of kind of take us up to the castle
• 38:01
  yeah i mean it's sort of a palace palace situation
• 38:04
  yeah i mean it's got a bunch of towering spires
• 38:08
  not a bunch it's a couple but um you know it's
• 38:10
  it's the main structure here other than this
• 38:13
  now ghost town so the town consists of a convenience
• 38:17
  store a palace And no churches. Yeah. And also
• 38:22
  some places that people lived at some point,
• 38:24
  but... Gross. You got the measure of it, though.
• 38:32
  All right. Well, boys, I think the only answers
• 38:37
  we're going to find are lying right ahead of
• 38:40
  us. I pull out this devil gun. Yep. Get out of
• 38:49
  my frying pan. Are we walking like that ZZ Top
• 38:55
  music video to this palace? Like slow motion.
• 38:59
  I'm putting the teeth in slow motion. Yes. Absolutely.
• 39:04
  High is making sure his gun has no bullets in
• 39:07
  it. Making sure it's empty. Spinning. Putting
• 39:11
  on the stocking. Slow -mo putting on the stocking.
• 39:15
  Yeah, you guys are prepped, and you are at these
• 39:18
  giant gates of this emerald palace. Is there
• 39:23
  a big lever? Is there a what? A big lever? Nothing.
• 39:27
  Is it locked? There's no bobos. There's nothing.
• 39:30
  Is the gate locked? No. Oh, I opened the gate.
• 39:36
  Rob, you swing these huge doors open into this
• 39:39
  dark hall that just kind of goes deep into this
• 39:44
  room. but as you open these doors like a large
• 39:49
  assortment of bats just kind of scurry out shocked
• 39:52
  by the light I'm hard as fuck right now yeah
• 39:55
  just put my hands down just in front of my crotch
• 40:03
  I can explain I don't think that any explanation
• 40:11
  would be more comfortable than what we'd assume.
• 40:18
  I think it would be worse. As Dr. Glaser always
• 40:21
  says, we listen and we don't judge. No, we judge.
• 40:31
  Alright, yeah, so you're in this hall, and there's
• 40:35
  really not that much to see, but you can poke
• 40:37
  around, you can see what you can find out, whatever
• 40:40
  you want. So, hall... Are there doors or is it
• 40:43
  just like one big long like? It's a very long
• 40:46
  hallway and there are two doors at the end. Boy,
• 40:51
  I think I'm going to poke around. Poke around,
• 40:55
  see what you find. In every corner, you just
• 40:58
  release more bats and Peter gets hornier and
• 41:01
  hornier. It's getting painful for him at this
• 41:05
  point. Be kind. Rushing. Life fading. That erection
• 41:13
  might actually be saving your life as all the
• 41:15
  blood is stored down below the wound. That's
• 41:18
  true. This is the worst leisure suit lariat I've
• 41:21
  ever played. Yeah, I will proceed to the doors.
• 41:28
  Great. Alright, so you guys open up door number
• 41:32
  one and what you see is grisly and confusing.
• 41:40
  You see the corpses of Hundreds of people who
• 41:44
  look like you. Stacked like cordwood. Sort of
• 41:48
  embalmed, almost. I have to admit, that is not
• 41:54
  reassuring. I feel like I'm vomiting in the corner
• 41:58
  at this point. Yeah, it's pretty gross. Yeah,
• 42:02
  definitely vomiting in the corner. If I wasn't
• 42:05
  so aroused, I'd be upset. All right, well, with
• 42:15
  my devil gun up and ready to go, I'll enter the
• 42:24
  room. Okay, you're in a room full of dead Nick
• 42:29
  Cage characters. How large is this room? It's
• 42:33
  a large circular room. It kind of towers up,
• 42:37
  and these bodies are stacked pretty fucking high.
• 42:39
  There's a lot of them. any focal point beyond
• 42:48
  just the corpses no otherwise the room seems
• 42:52
  kind of featureless um like way up high it's
• 42:56
  sort of ringed with gargoyles um but otherwise
• 42:59
  that's with nick cage heads yeah no why do they
• 43:06
  all have our faces is this a collection of our
• 43:10
  sins for the past Crimes we committed in our
• 43:13
  human lives. These are the us's that never found
• 43:19
  the contract. It is over, you fucking bitch.
• 43:27
  You said there were two doors? Yeah. I'm gonna
• 43:31
  go open that other door. I don't want to be in
• 43:33
  this room. Okay, yeah, so you open this other
• 43:36
  door and it's completely the exact same style
• 43:39
  of room. Very cylindrical. No cage bodies in
• 43:42
  here at all. There is a door at the other end
• 43:45
  of it that the other room did not have. Go to
• 43:50
  the other door. Yeah, I think it's a good, good
• 43:54
  idea. I'll just close the door as I leave this
• 43:56
  one. Yeah. You know, honor the dead. Yeah. No,
• 43:59
  no reason to disturb this. Open that door. Okay.
• 44:05
  So the four of you are in this cylindrical room
• 44:07
  and Rob, you reach and you touch the handle of
• 44:10
  that door. You turn it. and the whole room starts
• 44:13
  to spiral and your exit door is now underground
• 44:17
  and your exit or your uh your new door that you
• 44:20
  were just trying to open is way up in the sky
• 44:22
  and you were just kind of in the center of this
• 44:25
  room other than you rob uh where there's nothing
• 44:32
  that you can see like a giant like the room turned
• 44:38
  into a giant spiral staircase Except minus the
• 44:41
  stairs, yeah. Am I still on the floor level with
• 44:44
  them? Yeah. Yeah, you kind of got like a as everything
• 44:50
  went kind of crazy. Can we see anything or is
• 44:55
  it all just completely dark? No, there's some
• 44:57
  light in here. I don't know, cast from something
• 44:59
  up above. The only thing you can really see are
• 45:02
  those gargoyle statues around the entire top.
• 45:06
  Needs my vampire bat sonar to navigate us. Start
• 45:15
  shouting into the void. I'll fire as the exit.
• 45:21
  I'm still hot as fuck at the same time as well.
• 45:24
  And your sonar pings off of something and you
• 45:28
  get something back to your ears and that something
• 45:30
  is the sound of vomiting? And you start to see
• 45:37
  down the edges of the wall. Some sort of substance
• 45:41
  is just like pouring into this space. So our
• 45:46
  room is filling up. Is the substance vomit? Do
• 45:50
  me a favor and go investigate. Investigate the
• 45:55
  might be vomit. No, it is something that you're
• 45:59
  actually quite familiar with. It is macaroni
• 46:03
  and cheese. Of course it is. Cheddar Goblin.
• 46:11
  Cheddar Goblin. Is it edible? Can I take a bite?
• 46:17
  Is it coming out of the gargoyle's mouth? It
• 46:19
  is coming out of the gargoyle's mouth, which
• 46:21
  are all active Cheddar Goblins. And yeah, it's
• 46:26
  actually fucking really tasty. It's the cheesiest.
• 46:31
  Take one of the pocket dogs and just put mac
• 46:35
  and cheese over the top of it. You are healed
• 46:40
  fully and you are now in Super Saiyan mode. You
• 46:42
  are a god. Okay, yeah, so this room, you know,
• 46:49
  the levels are sort of fairly rapidly rising.
• 46:53
  This cheddar is coming up pretty quick on you.
• 46:59
  And our exit door went down? Correct. I want
• 47:03
  to use my knowledge of food and cheese -based
• 47:09
  substances to figure out how dense this stuff
• 47:16
  is going to be and whether or not we'll float.
• 47:20
  Okay, yeah. Go ahead and roll me three on that
• 47:25
  because I feel like you would know some shit.
• 47:28
  Oh, damn. No successes. I had two. I know nothing
• 47:37
  of magical cheese. What is macaroni? Are the
• 47:44
  walls, do the walls look at all climbable? They
• 47:48
  are not climbable, no. Is there anything we could
• 47:53
  feel on the floor? That's like an exit that might
• 47:56
  be underneath us. No, the only thing that you
• 47:59
  can see is sort of halfway up, there's sort of
• 48:01
  a cavity in the wall that you can't quite identify
• 48:05
  what it is. But there is something there that
• 48:08
  is not the door up above you. Halfway up as in
• 48:11
  like, is that like 20 feet, 50 feet, 7 feet?
• 48:15
  We'll say 20. 20 feet? Okay. Don't suppose any
• 48:20
  of you fellas have some rope about you. I just
• 48:24
  pull out my... pocket full of yarn we try and
• 48:31
  lasso onto one of the gargoyles and climb out
• 48:34
  on the yarn yeah how high up are the gargoyles
• 48:37
  uh so let's see um the the cavity is 20 feet
• 48:40
  up the door is 30 feet up and the gargoyles are
• 48:43
  another 10 up from that uh i mean i think three
• 48:50
  of us could like ladder up At least to the cavity.
• 48:58
  Yeah. I feel like Robin and Cameron Poe are sturdy
• 49:04
  enough where they could ladder up and High could
• 49:08
  scamper up to that cavity. Yeah, I like that.
• 49:14
  That seems reasonable, right? So you're going
• 49:17
  to be a little bit shy given that height, but
• 49:22
  not by much. High could just sort of jump off
• 49:25
  of Cameron's shoulders or something to kind of
• 49:27
  reach that space. There we go. So go ahead. This
• 49:30
  is actually I think that's clever enough. Just
• 49:33
  just a one roll. From from each of us or just
• 49:38
  from you. OK. Nope, that's a zero. You fall backwards
• 49:46
  into the mac and cheese and you start to suffocate
• 49:49
  a little bit and panic and you need some help.
• 49:52
  Oh, dear. just wait over and like lift him out
• 49:58
  okay yeah you're back out things are okay i'm
• 50:04
  just gonna flap in my arms like a bat to start
• 50:05
  trying to swim in this fucking cheese goop yes
• 50:10
  perfect don't forget to kick your legs i don't
• 50:17
  know what to do in this situation other than
• 50:19
  just try the same thing again Well, try the same
• 50:22
  thing, but do it in a different way. Add a little
• 50:25
  creative element to it that you didn't do the
• 50:27
  first time. Can I give them my piece of pallet
• 50:34
  so they've got a point to jab into the wall,
• 50:37
  perhaps? Sadly, your pallet is still stuck in
• 50:40
  Bobo's heart. Here's what I'll do. I'll take
• 50:42
  some of the lengths of pantyhose, knot them together,
• 50:46
  tie them, knot them around the empty gun, Well,
• 50:51
  I try and get up there, flip the empty gun up
• 50:54
  to see if it'll catch on something like a like
• 50:57
  a grappling hook. Yeah. All right. Give me a
• 51:00
  two roll. OK, so there's one. One for using the
• 51:06
  gun, one for using the pantyhose. Only one one
• 51:11
  piece of equipment. OK. That's one success. OK.
• 51:19
  i rolled like shit so uh you did it finally what
• 51:23
  what did you anchor anchor the gun on the door
• 51:27
  or something uh well i'm just tossing it up there
• 51:31
  to get it to catch on something so it can climb
• 51:33
  up the knotted pantyhose or use it to stabilize
• 51:35
  oh sure okay yeah all right so um hi you climb
• 51:38
  these pantyhose the level of mac and cheese is
• 51:41
  really pretty rapidly rising the the flow has
• 51:44
  increased cheddar goblins mouths have opened
• 51:46
  more um So at this point, Rob, if you're the
• 51:51
  base of this entire thing, you are pretty much
• 51:54
  up to your nose in mac and cheese. So you're
• 51:57
  in in some imminent danger. So high as you climb
• 52:03
  up there, what you end up seeing in that cavity
• 52:05
  is what appears to be a pretty plain box. Is
• 52:11
  it openable easily? Sure. Flip it open. It is
• 52:16
  empty. That is not. of much help uh if i if i
• 52:23
  go lower the pantyhose back down can they grab
• 52:25
  onto it and help climb up the wall sure okay
• 52:28
  let's do that i'll hop down and help rob and
• 52:32
  peter up first yeah you guys can kind of like
• 52:35
  fight against the flow and bob on the surface
• 52:38
  but you will inevitably start like sinking down
• 52:40
  quicksand style into this mac and cheese which
• 52:43
  while delicious you cannot eat enough to save
• 52:45
  yourselves I'll show you. I feel like I'd be
• 52:53
  cowardly enough to scurry up first without any
• 52:56
  discussion. By the time I get up there, I want
• 53:04
  to just admire where are you buying these? These
• 53:11
  are pretty nice tights. Legs. They come in the
• 53:18
  egg. Yeah. Rob is impressed by this. Sean really
• 53:23
  wants to know where I can buy those. He gets
• 53:25
  them really nice. All right. So we're all looking
• 53:30
  at this box? Yeah. Empty box. Anything about
• 53:34
  this box strike a chord? What kind of box is
• 53:38
  it? What shape is this box? Cardboard, we're
• 53:39
  talking. It is a cardboard box. Got a name on
• 53:43
  it? Boy, is that... I think this is a test. I'm
• 53:49
  going to put the bunny in the box. I put the
• 53:57
  bunny in the box. And you hear a happy little
• 54:03
  tune. And the Cheddar Goblins stop barfing. And
• 54:10
  the floor kind of comes back up to where you
• 54:13
  guys are. And the door sort of rotates back down
• 54:16
  the other way. And the slurry of mac and cheese
• 54:20
  just sort of goes through as if it's gone through
• 54:22
  like a grater or a sieve or something like that.
• 54:24
  And you're standing in front of this door. This
• 54:29
  is some kind of sick test. But I think we're
• 54:34
  going to be put up against elements of our life
• 54:38
  here. This bunny in the box. It's from a darker
• 54:46
  time in my life. Keep an eye out for anything
• 54:51
  that seems too familiar. You're at this door.
• 54:57
  Throw it open. Yeah. I'll lead in. Rob's done
• 55:02
  with this shit. Welcome to the throne room. You
• 55:08
  enter this large, darkened space. And there's
• 55:12
  not that much that you can see because it's quite
• 55:15
  dark in here. And then illuminated in front of
• 55:19
  you is a gigantic head. And it looks familiar
• 55:23
  to you because it is your own face. But for those
• 55:27
  of us who know, it's Gary's face from Army of
• 55:30
  One. I see the resemblance immediately. Yeah,
• 55:39
  you recognize. Yeah, I feel like I could play
• 55:41
  him in a film. Well, and as a man who's been
• 55:45
  to Afghanistan, like, you know, this is a guy
• 55:48
  who knows Benny boy. Fair, fair. So he's an overweight.
• 55:54
  Cameron Poe. I like it. Pretty much. And this
• 55:58
  giant head kind of turns and perceives you. And
• 56:01
  it's not well animated. It's more of a Zardoz
• 56:04
  head than it is like a true Wizard of Oz head.
• 56:11
  There are no more cages. I want to go up to high
• 56:18
  and it's like give me one of those Rock pocket
• 56:24
  dogs. One of those charcoal dogs. Hand it over.
• 56:28
  And I'm just going to walk up to one of the walls
• 56:30
  and just start scrying in giant letters. Page.
• 56:36
  You enrage the head. Its eyes light up. It's
• 56:43
  like, man! Those hot dogs shouldn't have been
• 56:49
  used. We got the best hot dogs. Fuck! Why are
• 56:56
  you here? We're just trying to find a way home.
• 57:02
  We got rid of you. How are you here? I'd be the
• 57:08
  first to say I have no fucking idea what's been
• 57:10
  happening this entire time. I want to try and
• 57:18
  cut through the bullshit here and see if like
• 57:20
  you said this is a A fairly not great representation.
• 57:27
  Also, we all come from a world where the Wizard
• 57:30
  of Oz exists, so I'm just looking for the fucking
• 57:32
  curtain. Yeah, dude. Absolutely. Okay, so this
• 57:37
  room is quite dark. You can't see a ton, but
• 57:41
  you know what you're trying to do. So I think
• 57:44
  this is just going to be a one roll. But roll
• 57:47
  well, because I did succeed. two successes five
• 57:52
  and a four fuck yeah okay so i just want to rock
• 57:56
  up to that curtain and just rip it down yeah
• 57:58
  so rob you go over you rip that curtain down
• 58:01
  and um this head in the sky just sort of like
• 58:05
  wamps down onto the ground which would have been
• 58:08
  really grievous injury for any of you had you
• 58:11
  been under it um but it just sort of thunks down
• 58:14
  there and falls over and goes man And what you've
• 58:20
  revealed, you instantly can see two major things.
• 58:25
  In one corner, you see three mole people. And...
• 58:33
  Wait, like... Mole people or fucking moles? Like,
• 58:42
  mole people. I mean, they're kind of moles. Like
• 58:45
  mole men? Or are we talking like... I mean, two
• 58:48
  of them look pretty similar, and the other has
• 58:50
  a bigger head, but yeah, sure. What do those
• 58:52
  heads look like? Moles. Moles, mainly. And then
• 58:58
  in the other corner, you can see a cage, and
• 59:02
  inside of that cage is a pretty well -appointed
• 59:04
  little apartment, and... A Nicolas cage or a
• 59:08
  physical cage? A lowercase cage. And inside of
• 59:12
  the lowercase cage is a capital C cage. As the
• 59:17
  curtain drops, the three moles sort of skitter
• 59:21
  about and freak the fuck out. They shouldn't
• 59:24
  see us! Fuck! Oh, God! Shit! And then they run
• 59:27
  to the center of this room and they press a red
• 59:29
  button and they are immediately encapsulated
• 59:32
  in a sphere. And then that sphere is surrounded,
• 59:35
  Krang -style, by a sort of robotic body. And
• 59:42
  from their arms, they pull a long katana. and
• 59:47
  a Ghost Rider -style chain whip. All right. I'm
• 59:59
  going to look at... What does the cage in the
• 1:00:01
  cage look like? Nicholas fucking Cage. Nicholas
• 1:00:07
  Coppola? Correct. Okay. Rachel, this would be
• 1:00:14
  a really good time to give me some fucking answers
• 1:00:17
  because I think I'm fucking done. I'm just going
• 1:00:20
  to walk up to the cage and be like, what? We
• 1:00:27
  don't have time for this. I can explain it. Deal
• 1:00:30
  with the moles. I brought you here for a reason.
• 1:00:33
  I have had enough of this. I need to get out
• 1:00:37
  of this place. I just want to get back to Ed.
• 1:00:40
  You creatures. Just charge the thing and try
• 1:00:44
  and tackle it. Great. Yeah, I mean, it's fucking
• 1:00:47
  huge, so this will be challenging. The brain
• 1:00:52
  is gone at this point. I'm in crazy shit overload.
• 1:00:55
  That sounds like a cage -out kind of moment.
• 1:00:57
  That sounds like a cage -out moment. How many
• 1:01:03
  am I rolling against, just out of curiosity?
• 1:01:06
  I did eight. So it's about even. Oh, that's so
• 1:01:11
  bad. That's four. Four successes. Four successes
• 1:01:16
  does it. Oh! Yeah. I didn't roll super well.
• 1:01:22
  What are you doing and trying to do on this one?
• 1:01:27
  I'm just trying to tackle it, rip bits of it
• 1:01:31
  off, smash whatever that bubble is to get at
• 1:01:34
  the mole people. Just blind rage. Right on. Okay.
• 1:01:39
  So as you kind of approach this thing, it swings
• 1:01:41
  its katana with one arm and it whips this chain
• 1:01:44
  around with the other, but you managed to do
• 1:01:46
  some sort of high shenanigans, you know, sliding
• 1:01:48
  on your back, whatever, hurting yourself on popcorn
• 1:01:52
  ceiling. I don't care what it is, but you, you
• 1:01:55
  get through that, that first onslaught and you
• 1:01:58
  latch onto this thing's leg and you are an anchor
• 1:02:01
  and you're definitely deterring it from moving
• 1:02:05
  well at this point. There we go. just trying
• 1:02:08
  to i don't know if it's like got mechanisms i
• 1:02:11
  can try and jam up or if it's just like a suit
• 1:02:14
  of armor i can try and rip off or yeah let's
• 1:02:18
  let's find out next time it's a no part of the
• 1:02:24
  mole sort of like uh physically available it's
• 1:02:27
  all behind like armor and spheres and things
• 1:02:29
  yeah it's definitely got spheres fucking spheres
• 1:02:33
  man god damn spheres A Gary made of spheres and
• 1:02:38
  nodes holding all those damn moles. Nodes. The
• 1:02:45
  nodes. Can you shoot it or something? Black Eyed
• 1:02:54
  Peas playing? Oh, yeah. The Boom Boom Pow came
• 1:02:56
  on right when you guys first came in. Of course
• 1:03:00
  it did. I'll level out and take the Gary. In
• 1:03:06
  the Gary head with my devil gun. Yep. All right.
• 1:03:14
  We'll do three on that. Sure. And I'll, I'll,
• 1:03:17
  I'll take a second to really kind of blow out
• 1:03:19
  my hair while I aim down at it. So two successes.
• 1:03:25
  Okay. So you with your devil gun, it shoots all
• 1:03:30
  sort of arcane satanic symbols and shit. And
• 1:03:33
  it blasts straight through the forehead of the
• 1:03:36
  devil or the devil of the Gary head. And that
• 1:03:39
  thing blows up and it sprays shrapnel all over
• 1:03:44
  the the Krang mole people. Has it fallen? Is
• 1:03:51
  it continuing to fight? Yeah. It's still there.
• 1:03:59
  Are the moles, are they now visible? Yes. Could
• 1:04:08
  I, with my teeth in, this might be like a joint
• 1:04:12
  effort, run, be propelled by one of our co -cages
• 1:04:15
  so that I can go into the hole and just bite
• 1:04:17
  on this mole? Because that's what I want to do.
• 1:04:24
  you could absolutely leap off my back i'm very
• 1:04:27
  well okay we'll play with that um yeah i'm gonna
• 1:04:30
  that's a challenge three all of these are gonna
• 1:04:33
  be threes i'm gonna add some extra dice for myself
• 1:04:35
  though yeah of course you would classic uh right
• 1:04:42
  uh i have a six a five and a one Okay, it's a
• 1:04:48
  push. So you managed to get yourself onto the
• 1:04:51
  sphere and you're kind of hanging on to one spot
• 1:04:53
  that got sort of fractured a little bit with
• 1:04:55
  the shrapnel, but you are not in a biteable way.
• 1:05:01
  I do be dangling. You love a good dangle. So
• 1:05:07
  I want to ask Nick Cage, why have they done this?
• 1:05:12
  Why have they kidnapped you? What is this place?
• 1:05:16
  This was the entire point. They just wanted me.
• 1:05:19
  You guys are an anomaly because I brought you
• 1:05:21
  to save me. What about the room full of all the
• 1:05:25
  other cages? What they did to them is a travesty,
• 1:05:29
  but they knew that they had the real cage, so
• 1:05:33
  they got rid of the rest. How do you spell Nick?
• 1:05:38
  N -I -C. Okay, so it is the real Nick Cage. You
• 1:05:43
  know it, baby. and he gives you a classic smile
• 1:05:46
  veneers and all so i'm just gonna like walk i
• 1:05:53
  just want to walk out into kind of the middle
• 1:05:55
  of the room while like in slow motion like peter's
• 1:06:00
  like hanging from like this thing just trying
• 1:06:02
  to like bite in uh uh reloading um hi it's just
• 1:06:08
  like just hanging off and being spun around and
• 1:06:11
  it's like Fucking tiny, tiny mole things. Tiny
• 1:06:16
  mole people. What the fuck? Why have you done
• 1:06:21
  this to that man? Why have you done this to that
• 1:06:23
  man? All right, you're going to roll for this.
• 1:06:29
  Ask a question? We're not at what I'm doing yet.
• 1:06:32
  The preamble. If that's what you want, they're
• 1:06:36
  not going to be distracted by you. You need to
• 1:06:38
  talk to them for me to use any of my skills.
• 1:06:43
  All right. Fair enough. Fair enough. Not take
• 1:06:45
  a punch. I could pass on a message. No, actually,
• 1:06:52
  that's a good point. If you want to have a message
• 1:06:53
  to them, Rob, I think that you have to get fucked
• 1:06:58
  up. So you're going to take a fairly major assault.
• 1:07:04
  And we'll see how much damage you do and if you
• 1:07:06
  can stand up. All right, I only have two dice
• 1:07:10
  for that. Okay, I'm gonna roll a bunch. No successes.
• 1:07:18
  None? Nope. Well, I had two, so... Okay, so Rob,
• 1:07:25
  at this point, you get, like, batted across the
• 1:07:27
  room and you slam against the wall. You are not
• 1:07:29
  dead, but you are pretty fucked up. All right.
• 1:07:35
  So at this time... I'm just going to cage out.
• 1:07:40
  Yep. I'm going to like seeing Rob get just thrown
• 1:07:44
  up 70 or 25 % of our party there. Yeah. This
• 1:07:49
  is pretty dire straits. We got Nicholas cage.
• 1:07:51
  We got a lot of things on the line. I'm going
• 1:07:53
  to, I'm just going to run in. I want to distract
• 1:07:59
  it. So it swings the chain loops up its own legs,
• 1:08:03
  knocks itself down. Then I'll. get in and you
• 1:08:08
  know do a kill shot but i'm caging out fuck yeah
• 1:08:11
  with all of these dice i've done a lot of stupid
• 1:08:15
  things eight successes nice i had five which
• 1:08:21
  five out of six i rolled really super well yeah
• 1:08:25
  um that does it okay so describe what you actually
• 1:08:28
  do so i'm gonna just kind of run in Sort of a
• 1:08:33
  slow motion thing, making lots of noise, getting
• 1:08:36
  those moles attention. I want them to swing that
• 1:08:40
  chain to try to sweep me. And I'll dive for its
• 1:08:44
  legs so that the chain carries around. Perfect.
• 1:08:47
  Lasso's itself. I'll come up on the backside.
• 1:08:50
  I'll maybe pop one off in its butt to knock it
• 1:08:54
  off balance. You're popping a devil gun off in
• 1:08:58
  its butt? It's the only gun I've got. Yeah, fair
• 1:09:01
  enough. Not going to want the big crushing machine
• 1:09:04
  that's been in the corner the whole time. Yeah,
• 1:09:08
  probably into some power lines first. Then into
• 1:09:13
  a crusher machine. Okay, so at this point, the
• 1:09:17
  mole machine has fallen over. Hi, you're going
• 1:09:23
  to have to have gotten out of the way in some
• 1:09:25
  way, but you're sort of up on top. Peter, you're
• 1:09:28
  there still kind of clinging to the sphere, and
• 1:09:31
  the entire thing has fallen pretty close to where
• 1:09:34
  you are, Rob. But it is starting to get itself
• 1:09:38
  back up. I'm going to stop crawling into the
• 1:09:42
  open hole. So the hole is near me so I can see
• 1:09:45
  these things now? Yep. They're all kind of sideways,
• 1:09:48
  but yeah. And I'm also sideways, so we're both
• 1:09:51
  on the floor just staring at each other. It's
• 1:09:54
  like, you kidnapped a man with a million faces.
• 1:10:02
  Why? We just needed the one. The whole thing
• 1:10:05
  was about meeting the one. You killed 110 plus.
• 1:10:18
  Irrelevant. And why did you want to meet this
• 1:10:22
  one? Because he's the best. I'll start scaling
• 1:10:30
  the back. Perfect. What's your favorite thing
• 1:10:39
  about this man? What's the best thing about this
• 1:10:41
  man? I like his adaptability. To me, it seems
• 1:10:49
  to me that you love this man for the versatility
• 1:10:54
  of his performances, his work. You fell in love
• 1:10:59
  with each one of us individually, with each one
• 1:11:03
  of them pointing in the direction of the room
• 1:11:05
  of dead people. And not only have you taken that
• 1:11:08
  away from yourselves, You've taken that away
• 1:11:12
  from the world. You wanted to see the man for
• 1:11:16
  who he really was, forgetting that this, that,
• 1:11:21
  is all part of that. And you have now denied
• 1:11:25
  the world and yourselves who this man is. This
• 1:11:32
  is my K -Town moment. This is my Rob moment.
• 1:11:34
  Roll it, baby. That's what Rob does. Just robbing
• 1:11:40
  out. Robbing out. Once we're done with this,
• 1:11:44
  I think I'm going to rob one out too. That is
• 1:11:52
  nine successes. Well, I rolled the worst I've
• 1:11:55
  rolled. I rolled 10 dice and I got one success.
• 1:12:00
  They all killed themselves. Ritual suicide. No,
• 1:12:06
  but close enough to that. open up the sphere.
• 1:12:14
  And one of them starts going, God, you're fucking
• 1:12:17
  right. I don't know what we were doing. We could
• 1:12:20
  have had all the cages, and we got the best one,
• 1:12:22
  but we could have had all of them. One of these
• 1:12:25
  mole people have a name tag that says, Hi, my
• 1:12:29
  name is Jack. While these moles are grieving
• 1:12:33
  amongst themselves, can I just crawl in and go
• 1:12:36
  straight for the fucking throat? I'm pelting
• 1:12:41
  them with like cheddar goblins soaked huggies
• 1:12:45
  just trying to smother them yeah one of them
• 1:12:50
  is having this really really important powerful
• 1:12:52
  moment and just like a diaper to the face and
• 1:12:56
  they're not big so they get knocked over completely
• 1:12:58
  and like maybe start drowning a little bit and
• 1:13:02
  then yeah Peter Lowe you go and you get one of
• 1:13:06
  them just like right into your chompers. And
• 1:13:10
  it's begging for its life, but I don't think
• 1:13:13
  you care. I'll kind of gently take Peter Lowe
• 1:13:17
  back from this. Just one of them. Missing like
• 1:13:24
  an arm. Yeah, exactly. It must die. All right,
• 1:13:35
  so at this point, you all have neutralized the
• 1:13:37
  moles. What have you done with them? Are they
• 1:13:40
  tied up somehow? Yeah, I'll tie them up with
• 1:13:44
  some string. Yeah, right. Thanks, Casey. Do they
• 1:13:49
  have the key for the cage on them? Yeah, one
• 1:13:52
  of them does. I'm going to go over to their computer
• 1:13:55
  and start smashing it until Boom Boom Pal stops
• 1:13:58
  playing. Very important. Oddly enough, it's playing
• 1:14:02
  at double speed now. It's chipmunk speed. Yeah,
• 1:14:10
  exactly. Those chickens are trying to copy that
• 1:14:18
  woman's swagger. I'll let this Nicolas Cage out.
• 1:14:26
  He opens the cage, follows you out, and says,
• 1:14:30
  Boys, I'm so pleased. I knew you were the right
• 1:14:32
  ones to send for this job. The thing about mole
• 1:14:36
  people, they never remember that we have long
• 1:14:38
  arms. All I had to do was adjust the nodes, and
• 1:14:40
  I got you. It seems a calculated mistake to leave
• 1:14:48
  the control panel so close to your cage, but...
• 1:14:52
  No one fucks with Nick Cage. You were able to
• 1:14:58
  reach the nodes, but you couldn't just reach
• 1:15:00
  out and strangle a mole? Well, they didn't come
• 1:15:04
  that close. Don't think too much on this, Rob.
• 1:15:10
  Those moles, they never just go away. Now, you
• 1:15:17
  brought us here, but can you get us home? That's
• 1:15:21
  the one thing I know how to do. I'm going back
• 1:15:23
  to the prime timeline. but I can send you boys
• 1:15:26
  wherever you want. What do you say? You want
• 1:15:30
  to come with me? Or do you want to go wherever
• 1:15:33
  you want to go? Well, you tell Trisha to tie
• 1:15:38
  a yellow ribbon around the old oak tree because
• 1:15:40
  this boy is coming home. And he goes over and
• 1:15:43
  he fucks with the nodes and bazzap, Cameron Poe
• 1:15:47
  sucked back up into a beam of light. I say, I
• 1:15:52
  have to get back to Ed. She's going to be worried.
• 1:15:55
  She's a lovely desert flower, is she not? She
• 1:15:58
  is. And zap! Hi. Off to his lovely wife. I'm
• 1:16:08
  probably quite late for an appointment with Dr.
• 1:16:11
  Glaser. She's going to be wondering where I am
• 1:16:14
  and I'm going to have to tell her. Well, a whole
• 1:16:17
  host of things happened beginning with A, B,
• 1:16:19
  C, D, A, F, J. I'm just going to shake my head
• 1:16:29
  and be like, oh. And he smiles at you, gives
• 1:16:35
  you a classic cage wink, moves the node lever,
• 1:16:39
  and off you go. And everything fades to black.
• 1:16:43
  And we, as regular people, are watching a 60
• 1:16:48
  Minutes episode about Nicolas Cage. And we see
• 1:16:51
  his house as he's wandering around talking about
• 1:16:54
  Action Comics 1 and a dinosaur skull, all sorts
• 1:16:58
  of shit. And he shows off, you know, one of his
• 1:17:01
  ravens, the one that still is alive. I can't
• 1:17:03
  remember if it's Eugen or Munin. And a new python
• 1:17:06
  that he got. And then his last cage. uh that
• 1:17:10
  he has holds these three little weird looking
• 1:17:14
  moles that are kind of running around and he
• 1:17:17
  taps on the glass and waves to them and smiles
• 1:17:20
  well shit you all made it through thank you for
• 1:17:27
  getting uh going the distance with us on this
• 1:17:31
  entire journey um That was a blast to do. And
• 1:17:35
  we're hoping to do more of that kind of content
• 1:17:37
  at some point, not in a Nicolas Cage kind of
• 1:17:40
  way, but in just a gaming way. We also have more
• 1:17:45
  Nick Cage content coming at you in terms of old
• 1:17:48
  movies that we are going to start going through
• 1:17:50
  kind of one by one, not in the head to head matchup
• 1:17:52
  style, but we're going to start bringing on new
• 1:17:55
  guests and old guests and just keep talking Cage
• 1:17:58
  as long as you're willing to go on the journey
• 1:18:01
  with us. And speaking of that, To our Sparkle
• 1:18:04
  Buddies, Josh, Josie, Rico, Matt, Adam, Bill,
• 1:18:07
  and Stuart. And to our Cage Dancers, Ira, John,
• 1:18:10
  Freeman, Lance, Nathan, and Cameron. We love
• 1:18:14
  your support. Thank you for being a part of this.
• 1:18:16
  And keep on listening. We've got more Cage coming
• 1:18:20
  at you. All right. Bye -bye. Bye -bye. minimal
• 1:18:33
  cages lost yeah actually i think well there was
• 1:18:38
  maybe maximum amount of cages lost but it wasn't
• 1:18:41
  because aside from that one room yeah right just
• 1:18:43
  one room and eight bobby peruse rest in peace
• 1:18:46
  yeah gone but not forgotten oh that was so disturbing
• 1:18:52
  our sweet sweet boys and i'd do it again Somehow,
• 1:18:58
  even though there was a room full of corpses,
• 1:19:00
  those eight Bobby Crews licking their teeth in
• 1:19:03
  unison is still the creepiest thing that happened.
• 1:19:05
  Yeah. I wrote that bit last night when I was
• 1:19:10
  just sitting around. I was like, this is gross.
• 1:19:15
  I'm definitely putting that in.