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What If We Don't Want to Settle for a "Good Enough" Marriage? Reconnecting in Midlife · Still Well Podcast

• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, my friends, and welcome back to another episode of Still Well Podcast.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: I am Brooke Stillwell, your host, and thank you so much for joining me again today as we talk about all things midlife and life after the kids are grown and leaving the house and moving on to do their own things so that we can revisit and relearn ourselves and figure out what we want to do with our own things.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll tell you today I'm coming off of Parents' Weekend.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: My son goes to TCU in Texas, and it's always, he's a junior, right?
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Andrew, I think I've talked to you guys before about move-in day and how that went for me.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to hear me with some banter and just silliness and all things, like all the things that a mother can do wrong when they move their kid in, go back and listen to that episode.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure which number it is, but I can put it in the show notes.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: But at any rate, we moved him in in mid-August, and now here we are, mid-September.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I just got back from Parents' Weekend with him.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: He is a junior, as I said, and it's always such a fun weekend.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought, like in my mind before I left, I was starting to kind of think about what I wanted to talk to you guys about in the next week, like when I got back, because remember, I do most of these in real time.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: And so in my mind, I was like, oh, I'm sure that I'll have some things to say about Andrew and his friends and Parents Weekend and what to expect and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: And it turns out that I am completely flipping this on its head.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: And while I do have some things to say about Parents' Weekend, it is not anything that has to do with my son.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it's all about my husband.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: And ugh, I buckle up, ladies, because this is going to be quite a conversation.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: I actually like, I have to be real with you before we even jump into this because I think this is a good and important conversation for us to have.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm guessing that many of us want to talk about this area of life or share some things, I would think, especially in midlife as the kids get older.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: But also it's it's a little touchy.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's at least a little touchy for me.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: And when it first came to mind, so I was kind of thinking through yesterday as we were traveling back home, kind of thinking through, well, what do I want to talk about?
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure there's much to say about Andrew, at least nothing that I haven't already said.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to whine about missing him and like all of those things, and just, you know, spending time.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: So it just kind of came occurred to me, like, talk about the things that went on with you and your husband.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then that was followed with like, I am absolutely 100% not the person to talk about a marriage.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want you guys listening to this thinking that I'm some sort of an expert or specialist in marriage, because I am not, like, not even close to it.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: I also don't want to give you the perspective that my marriage is like the best marriage going, and that this is follow all of my advice because I have a perfect marriage, and then you'll have one too.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because you guys, I don't have a perfect marriage.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I hesitate even talking about this because I don't want to be a person who is sugarcoating things or acting like I know everything about something when I don't.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: And also this can be part of my struggle.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: So I just want to be really real and vulnerable with you there and let you know that right off the bat.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: If there is anything in this next phase of life that I think that I want to work on the most that I know could use probably the most, if if not the most, a lot of my attention, it's my marriage.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: So let me start by saying that.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: We like, I love my husband.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: We've been together for 25 years.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Overall, we have a great and fabulous marriage from the outside looking in.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's fabulous.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Don't get me wrong.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to like want you to think like we're on Rocky Road or like something terrible has happened.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's just that this phase of life is is, I find, tricky.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I and I'm guessing some of you can probably relate because, you know, for a long time, for most of our, probably most of our marriages, my husband and I have been together, like I said, now coming up on 25 years.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I got out of graduate school, we got married less than a year after that, and we got actually pregnant on our honeymoon.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: So it wasn't very long that I was out of school, we were married, living together, and then nine months later having a baby.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: So there was never really like just Brooke and Ken time.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: We started dating when I was in college, so he was going back and forth.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: We weren't like together all the time in real time.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm sure you can relate that once the kids come, it's like that's where your focus is.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it initially when they're babies and they're not sleeping, you're exhausted.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: There's not a lot of time or love or care left over for your husband.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I don't have to tell you all these things because you know what I'm talking about.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then they get older, and I found, and I'm sure you did too, that all of your time and energy is focused on what they're doing.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: So there's not a lot of time for date nights or having fun together or deepening your relationship because there's such a focus on the kids and their activities, and you're interacting and being friends with your kids' friends.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so there's not necessarily a ton of time to be building your relationship.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: And Ken and I were pretty good about doing date nights here and there and making time for each other.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: We would go on tri a trip just the two of us occasionally, but still it's a tricky thing.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's a tricky thing because while biblically we were supposed to put God first and then our husbands and then our kids, it's very, very easy, I think, for us moms to put our kids first, sometimes even before our husbands.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that I don't think I've done that all my life, although I don't know what my husband would say if he was here.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: But I can say that like my kids are high priority, and I had to always check that.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: But the thing is, when we get to this phase of life, when we get a little older, I just turned 50.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: I've got two sons in college, one's a senior, one's a junior, so they'll be graduating and building their own lives.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And then my last one's here, a junior in high school, as most of you know.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: So we're, you know, heading into an empty nest.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: And even though he's here, we don't see much of him.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: So it's kind of like, oh my gosh, I I need to get to renew my husband.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I I wouldn't go as far as to say, like, I feel like I'm living with a stranger, because that's not it at all.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Though some of you, maybe some of you will say that.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: But it's like getting reacquainted with each other again, getting to know each other again, building a better relationship again, finding fun things to do again, re-reigning.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: I think a big thing for me is like reigniting that spark that you had, that like passion and I don't want to say love because my husband and I love each other.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: But just like that, and romance is a tough one too, because my husband is not like the person that's showing up with a surprise, like beautiful picnic dinner and roses, like so is a tough word, right?
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: But a little bit of that, I guess, I guess I'll stick with like passion and just excitement for each other and anticipation about being around each other and those types of things that it takes some rebuilding.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, maybe we could just sit back and, you know, just accept status quo.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Do we really need those things?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like we've settled into a comfortable life, we're good friends, or we're friends, or at least we get along and it's fine.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, yes, I guess we could approach life that way.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, and that's certainly better than fighting and arguing all the time and like not being able to stand being in the same room.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: But also I sort of I just have this on my heart that I know that if I really want this second phase of my life to be amazing and joy-filled and purposeful and fun and adventurous and all the things, if I really want to live my life for God and do my best for him, I know that that also entails having a really solid marriage.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: And the Bible says that.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like we have to have solid marriage, and that should be the second thing that comes after God.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: And you guys, I don't always do a good job of that.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: I really don't.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: And there are a lot of times that it's just easier to accept status quo.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't want my life to be status quo, and I don't think that God wants that for any of us either.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: And so here we are.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the conversation that I want to unpack with you.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a big one.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: And again, remember, I'm not saying this like like being the teacher in holier than Lao and tell you how to have this amazing relationship because mine is still a work in progress.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: And it is, again, probably what needs my most focus in this phase of life.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: And it's also a big prayer of mine.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm praying for my marriage constantly.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: And once again, not because we're on the rocks or because a divorce is imminent and we're thinking of separating, nothing like that.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not judging anyone who is in those spaces, but just for me, I'm praying for it because I don't want it to be just status quo.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want us to just go through the motions.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: And if I'm being super honest with you as we start to dive into this, like one of my fears and one of the things that I think about for the future when my kids are out of the house and we go into this next phase of life is like, yeah, I talk a lot about, well, what are we gonna do next?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: What's our purpose gonna be like?
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: What's our time gonna look like?
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm focusing in here with you guys, with the Stillwell mom.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: So I kind of have gotten that going.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: But the biggest concern, the bigger concern and fear for me is what is my, what is my marriage and my relationship gonna look like?
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like I have this fear that, like, you know, Ken and I are good friends, we get along, we we do a lot of things together, we're great with parenting the kids like jointly.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: But like, I like, are we gonna be bored with each other?
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what's that gonna look like?
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: The kids are out of the house and we really just like it's just us.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's just the two of us.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: Are we gonna have fun with each other?
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what about like we've been traveling all of our life, mostly with the kids?
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Are we gonna travel together?
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like, are we gonna get bored of talking to each other?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because right now there's kids still around.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: We're coming off the summer, especially.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: So the kids are always around.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, they were filling those gaps.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a fear of mine.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and Ken and I have friends and we have friends that we love, but we don't necessarily have like a big group of couples or people that we spend like a ton of time with it's sort of as like a buffer for us.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: So we're really are like, we need to have a strong marriage if we want to have a lot of joy in the next phase of life.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I know you could say our joy should come from God.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, our marriage and our husband should never be an idol.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: So God first, but then secondarily, like we really do need to have a solid foundation for our our marriage.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: So what does that look like?
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: And that that is a concern for me, you know, because I have found, and I'm really talking guys, so forgive me if I'm talking in circles to going too fast, but I have learned the hard way over the last specifically maybe four to five years, that a lot of the decisions that we have come to, and a lot of that is from my prodding, have been based on what other people that are in our lives are doing, because I just have this need to have people around me to make sure that we're happy and things are fun and we're doing great things.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: And we got a little, without getting into too much information and down a rabbit hole, we got burnt a little bit here and there.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: And so we've taken a step back.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: And my husband even just recently said, you know, Brooke, promised me we have to start making decisions for what is best for me and you together, and me and you as a family, and not for what everyone else is doing.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: And he's not wrong.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's true.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: And also, it's a little bit like, are we gonna be okay?
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Are we gonna be bored?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, guys.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: I hope I don't sound completely off base, but I don't think.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: So, yeah, so that's that's where my head is, and that's why I want to talk to you guys.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I thought I I want to talk to you kind of about just about the parents' weekend and some really great things that happened, and then a bad thing and how I navigated all that, and then just in general, things that I've learned over the years about my marriage, what works for us, what has been helpful, what has not.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I thought, yeah, I thought we would just talk through that.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: And again, I wish you were sitting right here next to me so you could give me your feedback and we could have like a full circle conversation.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: But because we're not, the best way that we can do that is email me.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Let me know how you guys feel, what you think of this conversation, if you have thoughts or suggestions, if you have questions, like any of that, that's the best way for us to communicate with each other.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I'll talk more about that at the end of the show.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, so Ken and I went for Parents' Weekend.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: We left on Thursday afternoon, and the whole weekend was gonna be packed with being with Andrew and being with all his friends and their parents.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: He's in a fraternity, so like fraternity gatherings, and there was a tailgate and like the moms, which is like really cool.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'll do another episode on that.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of the moms of his friends, we've gotten together, we have a group text.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: We've actually we're all over the country.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Some of us are out of the country, we've just gotten really close.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: So it's fun to like we do group dinners, and so there's a lot of busyness.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: And we thought we were coming in on Thursday to spend just a quiet dinner with Andrew before all of the like craziness and fun set in.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: And found out three days before that, which I had forgotten, that I had bought him tickets for Christmas, him and his friends to go see the Red Sox who were playing in Texas.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: So it was too late to change flight plans.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: So Ken and I said, well, we'll just go in, we'll have a nice dinner together and then head into the weekend.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's what we did.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I can just tell you, like right off the bat, it was different.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: It felt different to me.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't, I don't know that actually I was different, but I wasn't planning on being different or intending to be different, or even like being conscious about being different.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: It was almost like it was different, and I was different with Ken even at dinner, and this is probably making no sense, but I'm just gonna say it.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: It was like I was seeing it happen in real time, and I was like, wow, I think like our interaction and this just this the vibe, everything feels different.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not, I'm not sure why I'm doing this.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't thought about it.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: And now, like looking back and talking to you guys, I can honestly say, like, I just really do think that God is answering prayer and working on my heart.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: And because I've been praying and praying.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: I just pray every day.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I am actively praying to the Lord to like improve my marriage, to, you know, draw us closer together, to fill us with love and desire and commitment and passion and compassion for each other to help me be the spouse that he needs to change my heart.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, very often I'm saying, Lord, I'm asking you these things, and I am well aware that I'm not doing anything about it, that I'm just expecting you to make the changes, and that's not okay either.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like I have to take some action.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so anyway, that's the only, that's the only thing I can come up with.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: But we just we sat down to dinner and it was just we had a great time.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like it we were laughing and joking, and I was kind of like poking, not in a mean way, but we're a little bit of a snarky family, like just teasing each other and joking and talking.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: It was just very nice.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I would that's one thing like I would encourage you to like have fun.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Try to have some fun, try to be lighthearted with your spouse, you know?
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like just it's okay to just laugh and be silly and goofy.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean, maybe everybody's personalities are different.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I know everybody's personalities are different, obviously, but you know, maybe that doesn't come as naturally to some people.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: But for Ken and I, it just works so well.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: And and in those moments, like as we were teasing and joking, and by the way, from dinner, that just carried on just through the whole weekend.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: We had so much fun and I forgot like how funny my husband is.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: And that's actually like was a good reminder because it's actually one of the things that I love most about my husband and always have.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: One of the things that drew me to him is he's just got such a great sense of humor.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, if I am more lighthearted and less stressed and having fun and open to it, it just gets him going and opens him up even more.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: So it was really nice to see that.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: But it's almost like he follows my lead on that.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I feel like in some ways, we really set the stage and the tone because I don't know, I'm not a psychologist, but maybe it's because we are the more like tender and feeling and emotional ones.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like we feel the big things.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: So, I mean, and let's face it, sometimes we can be in a really good mood or really bad mood, depending on like menopause and hormones.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: So, like when we can be our best selves and we can show up well and be a little more tenderhearted and just open-minded to some fun, I think that sets the stage and is really kind of at least I saw it this weekend, just opens the door for our husbands to relax and be themselves as well, you know?
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: So um, I just want to encourage you there.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: And that has been one of my prayers.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I think I have mentioned this, I'm sure I've mentioned it in past episodes, and you could probably even go back to, I think it might have been our second episode of the show ever where we talked about like loneliness and relationships.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: That was mostly like for friendships, but it's some of this applies wherein I think we can just, I know I've done this and and maybe you can relate, like focus on all the negative of the other person and even our spouse, and hold the expectations for them so high.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why don't they do this?
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: And don't they know that I need this?
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: And why won't they help me?
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like a silly thing, like clean up the kitchen.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: Why do they think they don't have to do anything around the house?
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: He knows that I've been wanting him to do this in the garage and he, you know, all of those negative things instead of taking a step back and saying, I can't necessarily change him.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not going to.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I will tell you the best way to get your husband to not do something is to nag him.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, to kind of let go of, I can't control him.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: I can't control what he's going to do.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I talked about this last week with families.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's the same with our husbands.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we can't control the other person, but what we can control is ourselves.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: And what if instead of being annoyed or frustrated or upset or whatever the word you want to use is with them and how they're behaving in the relationship, what if we lowered our expectations a little bit and instead expected more of ourselves?
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: What if we focused on how we show up in the relationship?
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: What if, you know, my prayer to God is, Lord, help me to be the spouse that I want.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: Help me to be the spouse that my husband needs.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, that that's a hard thing.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's been a hard thing for me because I will admit it, like I'm prideful and I'm pretty sure, you know, at the root of most of our problems and most of our sin is pride.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: But I can be prideful and I can be self-absorbed and self-focused and even a little self-important.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: So to let go of me focusing on me, me, me, me, me and what I need, like what about what he needs?
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe, just maybe, if I can do a better job of being the spouse that he needs, maybe it'll be just like I talk about with our kids.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: And this is kind of a silly analogy because we're not teaching our husbands like we do our kids when they're not, we're not their parents, right?
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's the last thing they want is another mother, especially out of their spouse.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: But like we talk about how our kids learn best by watching what we do instead of us telling them what to do.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: And in some ways, I think this can apply in our marriage where, you know, if we want our spouses to be a certain way in our relationship, they're not necessarily gonna do that by us nagging and telling, but they might just start to watch how we're showing up in the relationship and how we're being with them and how we love them or show our affection.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: And they might start to do that.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: They might start to reciprocate, right?
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: They might start to mirror that.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think that's where we can really have a big impact.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, because again, us telling them what to do is not not typically like where it's at or not typically gonna be super helpful.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now, let me take a step back and say, like, Ken and I, the one thing that we do pretty well is we both are like decent at communication with other people and with each other.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so, you know, I will say, you know, I just got done telling you that you can't tell your husband what to do.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's not, well, you can, but it's not doesn't always work out.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: But definitely communication is key, like letting them know if in a kind way and in an open-hearted way, especially if something hurt your feelings.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes even if they didn't just show up for you the way they'd hoped, because sometimes, sometimes misunderstandings are just a case of they didn't know that you even needed them to show up in the way that you wanted them to.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: And here you make this big thing in your mind of like, why didn't they do this?
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: Why wouldn't they do that for me?
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: And they didn't even know.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's not that they didn't want to, it just didn't occur to them.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: So a perfect example of that, and this might be like just a silly thing, but you could extrapolate it and use it for anything, is I can remember for years, especially at Thanksgiving, I would get so upset with Ken because I would be in the kitchen all day long cooking for everyone.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, in fairness to him, I wasn't working much at the time.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: He was all out of the house, traveling, working super hard while he was gone.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: So he looked at, you know, vacation time and downtime as a relaxation time.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: But uh it would be just frustrated because I'd do all the cooking of the meal and then I'd be like cleaning up and my mom, my dad would help me, but you know, Ken would just be relaxing.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: And even like the days before family was in town, same thing.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: And the way I would respond is just by getting really, really like angry and frustrated, and then silent treatment and then us bickering and fighting and whatever.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: And so we talked it through, and and what he said to me was, Brooke, I am always happy to like help out um and do things that you need to me to do.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just not always good at seeing what you need me to do.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just not always good at like taking the lead on that.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I could have listened to that and said, like, well, that's ridiculous.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: I shouldn't have to tell you to come help me in the kitchen.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if you see me exhausted, you see me working hard, you should just know out of love and respect for me to show up in the kitchen and help.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: I shouldn't have to tell you.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: But at the end of the day, like, that's not helping anything.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: And that's in some ways to me, I feel like I don't know if it's prideful.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what the answer is there.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: But I took that information and said, okay, so you know, then what you're saying is when I'm in that situation, when I'm tired or I want a little extra help, or I need you to do things, instead of getting upset and frustrated because you didn't see the situation happening and come and help me with whatever it is, just in a nice and respectful way, not like condescending or mean, say, Hey, Ken, I'm pretty tired here.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: I need some help.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like get up, pause the game or walk away from the The game and help me clean up in the kitchen.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so we talked through that and agreed on that.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I do now.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: I I do have to fight, honestly, like the urge to not be like irritated.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why doesn't he just know?
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: And that can apply to anything.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just like cleaning up in the kitchen.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: But, you know, sometimes they really just men, most times men don't think like us.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: And they don't see the world, they don't see the room, they don't see the house the same way that we do.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_00: So sometimes it's just a simple case of in a kind way saying, hey, like this is what's happening right now, and I need you to step up.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: And and at least in my marriage, it's helpful.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: So that has been a big help for us.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but that's a tricky thing.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: So communication, communication is really important too, but don't misinterpret or mistake.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say, don't mistake nagging with communication because they're not the same thing.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: And again, our our k our our kids, what a faux pas.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: Our husbands, they don't, they don't need another mother.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: They don't want us mothering them.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's a big thing.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: I know with my husband and his personality, he is not okay with me like telling him what to do.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: So anyway, for what it's worth.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so we just had a great time.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: Again, like I said, just like hanging out together, spending time together, being silly, like a little lighthearted.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: It was really nice.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_00: So we had a fabulous weekend.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then the last day, of course, the last day shows up, and we were scheduled to fly out at like 12:30.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: Our flight got delayed.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: It got delayed again.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I had booked the flights and I said to Ken, we should see if we can't get on another flight.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: Cause I just have a bad feeling about this that we're going to be here all day or the flight's going to get canceled.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because that had just happened to us two weeks ago coming back from my nephew's first birthday.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: And he basically was tracking the plane that was coming into us.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, no, it's fine.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: We're not doing that.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I said, okay, that's fine.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: And then went to breakfast.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: And then naturally the plane keeps getting delayed and delayed and delayed.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: And a plane that we were supposed to take off for 12:30 ends up not taking off till like four or five o'clock.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_00: I think it was like five o'clock, four o'clock, maybe.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_00: And as I'm actually even saying this to you, it sounds ridiculous because it was only a couple of hours, but I got frustrated.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: And here's what I did.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, why didn't you listen to me?
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: Why didn't we book a different flight?
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: Why didn't we try to change the flight so we could get out of here?
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's a Sunday.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: We wanted to get home.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna be tired going in, like all this silly stuff.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: And we bickered a little bit, and then I got really irritated.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I just I got I didn't say anything else because I'm learning to at least be quiet.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like I've learned that's another thing I think that's healthy for us to do is like to be again quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I just I do my best to like zip my lip when I can, but I just I just zipped it, but it was obvious.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's no mistaking when I'm stewing on something, it's all over my face.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: I do not hide my emotions well.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: That is definitely a weakness in me.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: But I zipped it.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: And then here's what happened.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: I got in my head.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the story that I started telling myself.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: I just, I can't believe this.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have any control in this marriage.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: He tells me what to do.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to book that flight.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_00: If I had been left on my own, I would have just booked it.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: But no, he thinks he knows best, and he has to be the one to tell us how we're gonna handle it.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now we're super delayed, and we don't even know maybe this flight is gonna be canceled.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: And if he had just listened to me, and does he think that just because he's the man in a relationship, he can be the one to set the stage for everything and tell me what to do?
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's been like that all my all of these things.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I, in those moments, I just let those thoughts run, you guys.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't even like I should have gone right to prayer.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: I should have stopped those thoughts.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_00: I do have an obsessive mind.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: I've told you that.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm I guess I probably sound like I'm using an excuse, but sometimes it's hard for me to stop thoughts once they start.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: But I tried to like just like calm down a little bit.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: And anyway, and then finally it was like time to pack up and we got late checkout, leave the hotel, and go wait for the Uber.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: So the Uber was gonna be like five minutes to the airport.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, Ken, here's my bags.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just gonna walk.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I walked up and down like two blocks back and forth until the Uber came.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_00: And really, I wanted to do that just to get in some steps because I knew I would be sitting and I've been tracking everything like a maniac with this garment.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: But what I found happening was the more I was moving, the more my brain started to calm down.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_00: And then I just started to breathe a little bit, like a couple deep breaths.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_00: And then I just went to prayer, which I should have done from the start and just said, Lord, like I'm overreacting.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think these thoughts are the right things.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm having trouble reigning them in.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: But Lord, will you just help me to see things the way they really are and not as they appear to me to be?
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_00: Lord, and give me your mind, not my mind, and help me to think your thoughts.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I slowly started to calm down.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: And by the time I got to the car, I put on some praise and worship music then.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_00: I was listening to like I was just singing, not out loud, but like in my mind and like listening to praise and worship on the way to the airport.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: And by the time I got to the airport, I was a different person.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I realized like all of those things that I was telling myself, and you guys, I've done that historically in our marriage so much, and I just get myself in a tizzy and then I'm like quiet for like passive aggressive, and just just it's just silliness.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: I realized like once by the time we got to the airport, all of those things that were going through my mind were complete lies.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't even the truth that I was telling myself and things that I tend to believe.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if anything, I can be bossy to the point where I think Ken just, you know, all his life, God bless him, he once just wants to take the easy path.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_00: So he'll bend over backwards to just do things the way that I think they should be, especially when it's come to like our family.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_00: So that's not okay either.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: But the reason why I'm saying that is if anything, it's the opposite.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like I have to pay attention to that.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: That he is like strong-willed and very sure of himself, but he's also always in our marriage.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_00: I've always had a voice.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: And normally the decisions I make, especially with the family, are the decisions I want to make are the decisions that are made.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: So for me to be even telling myself those things, it was ridiculous.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I would have never, I don't think I would have gotten to that perspective.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I would have like a couple days down the road after we hadn't like barely spoken for a while, but I wouldn't have gotten to that if I had not moved my body, taken some really deep breaths, sent up a couple quick prayers to God and put on that music and just gotten right with God.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I really just thank God the Holy Spirit just pulled me out of that because, you know, our mind is it's a battlefield.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's a battlefield.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_00: And most of the thoughts we think are not good thoughts, especially in those moments.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of them are lies.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_00: So we have to be really, really aware of that in our marriage, you guys, because I think that's probably like the enemy's.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's like one of the enemy's playing fields where he's trying to get to us.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because if we have strong marriages, wow, we can be really powerful in our life, right?
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, keep for what it's worth, keep that in mind.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's that that's really helped me.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope that that would be helpful to you guys too.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: And again, I don't get it right all the time.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm far from perfect.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_00: These are just things that I'm been learning over the years and I've been trying to that I've been that I have been putting into practice even more recently, just to improve our marriage.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because again, I might not be able to control him, but I can control myself.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I may not be able to control how he shows up in the marriage, but I can control how I show up in the marriage.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_00: And if I show up better, then everything is better, right?
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_00: I have also found, and I think this is probably a problem for a lot of us in our marriages, is just you get comfortable.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: You lose that spark.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_00: You you lose, like, listen, I am not a snuggler anyway.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I I don't like to be, I like I love my husband, I love people.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not cold or harsh, but like I don't wanna like, I don't wanna, I don't know.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's just not, it's not me.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_00: I love my husband, I love to be around him.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need to be like snuggling before bed.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_00: I like my space.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_00: So take it for what it's worth.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_00: But the other night, you know, I've been praying for more like just passion and compassion and love in our marriage.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_00: And the other night we sat down to watch Ted Lasso, and this was last week.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_00: And Ken was laying on one side of the couch.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: We have a sectional, I was laying on the other, and he said, Hey, come over here and lay with me for a couple minutes.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_00: And like, I didn't want to do that.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_00: I was, I had taken a shower.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was so tired, you guys.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_00: I was so relaxed, like laying on that couch.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_00: I was taking some deep breaths.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_00: And but you know what I said?
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't say, sure, I'll come over because you asked me to, and that was really sweet, and you haven't done that in a long time.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_00: I said, no, thank you.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really comfortable here.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_00: What was I doing?
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's terri.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's not funny.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_00: I shouldn't be laughing.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: Why did I do that?
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: I even knew in the moment when I did it it wasn't the right thing to do.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then of course, like I ended up praying, like, forgive me, Lord, but I just don't want to go over there and late.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm happy where I am.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, when our husbands, when they're trying their best to show up too, we we have to be open to that and kind to that, you know?
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_00: And and I missed a really good opportunity and I still feel bad about that.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_00: And at the end of the night, I said to him, you know what?
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_00: I should have come over.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm not used to you saying that it was so sweet.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, can I get a rain check?
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: And he said, Yes, it's fine, no problem.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so we went on.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_00: But like, there's a case of like, if you're praying for something, you can't just expect God to do all the work.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_00: And when you have an opportunity or a door opens, even if it's just a small one, you have to take it.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_00: You have to do your part too, even if it doesn't necessarily feel great in the moment or you don't feel like it.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_00: And that could that applies to more than just our marriages, right?
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like in any situation, if you're praying for something, you have to do your part too.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_00: And then if the door opens, you we can't say like, oh, I don't feel like it right now.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's not the right time.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I did.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, I need to be better about that.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_00: But I just, again, I'm just sharing because I want to be real with you.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_00: And hopefully it it helps you.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: It helps you in whatever you're walking through in this season as well.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: Another thing that I have found that I've had to watch with myself is being very careful about comparing myself, comparing my relationship with other couples.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's one thing.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like, don't compare yourself to other couples.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_00: I've been talking about this, like, comparison is the thief of all joy.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_00: It is if you're comparing your relationships with your kids and other moms, it is with friendships and what they're doing and what people have.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_00: And it certainly is if you're trying to compare your marriage because we're all different and we don't always know what's going on behind closed doors anyway.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_00: Do not compare your relationships to people you know.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_00: Don't compare your relationship to what you see for sure on social media because it's all filtered anyway, most of it, you know?
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_00: And definitely like, don't compare your marriage.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_00: This is a tough one sometimes for me, but don't compare your marriage to um what you see in the movies because that's not real life.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I have to watch this because I am self-admitted, like I love rom-coms.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_00: I love romance movies.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_00: I don't let myself like, I'm not gonna judge anyone here, but like I never watched like whatever, what was that?
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like Fifty Shades of Grey.
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_00: There are some lines with movies that I try not to cross or don't cross, but I love a good rom-con.
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_00: I love romantic, just like I love, I just I love love.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_00: I love love stories.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_00: I love like all of it.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_00: And like give me that all the time.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_00: Give me feel-good things, give me romance, because in my mind, the world is a scary place and I don't want angst.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want plus, because I deal with OCD and obsessive thoughts, like I don't want to see scary, traumatic things.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_00: But I love love and I love love stories.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: But the downside of that is it can become very easy to watch something on screen or to read something in a book and then be like, well, why isn't my marriage like that?
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_00: Why isn't my husband like, you know, surprising me with this?
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_00: Why doesn't he do that?
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like, because that's not real life.
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_00: Real life in the day-to-day, like, just don't like it's an easy way for us to, I think, be tricked or be like just believe this lie and then get down on our marriage, just like I did that the other day in Texas, where I just started like festering on this thing that wasn't even real and comparing and then just getting down on our spouse, you know?
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a hard, hard thing.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_00: So just be aware of that.
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_00: And again, like be aware of you can't, you can't control other people.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_00: You can't we can't control our kids now that are older, are now that they are older.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and we can't control what our spouses are gonna do either.
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_00: And that's been a hard thing for me.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I'll just share like my husband, like I'm in the gym, like working out constantly, eating really healthy, just doing the best I can for physical health.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's not something that's like a high, super high value, at least right now for Ken.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_00: And it drives me bonkers because it's a core value for me and I worry about his health.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_00: I worry about this, I worry about that.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_00: There's some vanity things there too, like all things that I'm working on my own heart.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_00: But at the end of the day, like I can't tell him what to do and I can't live his life for him.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_00: I can't force him to, you know, do the things that he needs to do for what I think he needs to do for his health.
• 35:14
  SPEAKER_00: I can't force him to get in the gym.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_00: I can't force him to eat differently.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: I can't even force him to go to a doctor if he doesn't want to.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's a tricky and really hard thing.
• 35:23
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, the best thing that I have found that I can do is to let go of wanting to try to control him in those areas, let go of feeling like I need to make it better and fix it, and focus on, again, maybe being a good example, hopefully, focus on my own health, focus on the things that I can control, and then pray.
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm actively praying on him for for him to have a change of heart there and to just, you know, be a good steward where he needs to be with his health and his body because we're both getting older.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_00: But, you know, I can't, I've spent so much time being frustrated about that and like beating my head against the wall and even like trying to talk and talk and talk to him about it, and it just made everything worse.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I had to let it go.
• 36:03
  SPEAKER_00: I can't because I love him and I know that he loves me and he's my husband.
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that's not gonna change.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_00: So we're in this together and we love each other.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I had to let go of the things.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's not for me to control him.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_00: It just isn't, you know, and then the other thing is that I would say, and I'm sorry, this is a really long episode, you guys, but one other thing that I've noticed with Ken and I is it's okay for you to have separate things too.
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_00: We don't have to be involved in every aspect of each other's lives.
• 36:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like I am more than happy for my husband to go and golf with his friends or golf with the boys and me not be involved with that.
• 36:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I love to like hike and walk outside and be outdoors, him not so much.
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_00: So that's fine.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_00: I can go and do that on my own or find a friend to do that with.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_00: But there's a fine line there that I've seen like we also have to be willing to build bridges and maybe do things we don't necessarily love if our spouses like it and enjoy it, so that we can spend time together and just show up for them.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_00: So perfect example in my life is Ken joined a bowling league.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, oh my gosh, bowling?
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_00: But he loved it.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_00: It was a men's league and he had a blast, and they ended up winning the championship.
• 37:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then he got asked for him and I to join a couples league, and that was the absolute last thing that I ever wanted to do through the winter was go on a Wednesday night to a bowling league.
• 37:22
  SPEAKER_00: But you know what?
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, Brooke, you first of all, like, it will be good for you to get out of your house and talk to people.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_00: I like to be like hibernating in the winter, which is not always great.
• 37:31
  SPEAKER_00: So anyway, I was like, it's two hours on a Wednesday night.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's not even every Wednesday night, and it won't, it would be fine.
• 37:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's great that he even asks you and wants you to do it.
• 37:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's something you can do together, you can meet other couples together.
• 37:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I went and I had a blast.
• 37:45
  SPEAKER_00: I was terrible.
• 37:46
  SPEAKER_00: It definitely wasn't the best thing that I've ever done in my whole life, but I had fun.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_00: It was definitely not torture.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_00: And Ken and I had fun together.
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_00: I had fun meeting his friends, I had a good time meeting the wives.
• 37:56
  SPEAKER_00: So sometimes we need to push ourselves out of our comfort zones, I think, and take that step to do things that we wouldn't necessarily want to do because our spouse enjoys it and it's a chance for us to spend time together.
• 38:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I have to be mindful in my relationship.
• 38:11
  SPEAKER_00: My husband, I'll get him to go to like musical and plays.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_00: I know he doesn't like those things and he would never do it without me.
• 38:17
  SPEAKER_00: But he goes because he knows it's important to me.
• 38:19
  SPEAKER_00: And inevitably, typically on the other side of that, he'll say like something to the effect was, I'm really glad that you set that up and wanted to go.
• 38:25
  SPEAKER_00: I would never done it, but I really enjoyed it.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, I think again, there's a healthy balance of having our separate things that we love and our friends, but then also making a point of coming together and doing things together, you know, because we can't control each other's interests, right?
• 38:39
  SPEAKER_00: Ken and I like some similar things, but not all things.
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_00: I definitely don't want to spend an afternoon on the golf course with him.
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_00: No offense to anyone that likes to golf because I people love it and that's fine.
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's just not for me.
• 38:50
  SPEAKER_00: But I can, you know, go and spend an hour and a half to two hours on a Wednesday night in the winter when I'm doing nothing else and go bowling with him.
• 38:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I think there's, you know, there's compromise and there's give and take.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I I don't know, maybe that's obvious.
• 39:04
  SPEAKER_00: It probably is, but it's just something that I'm learning in my own life in my marriage.
• 39:08
  SPEAKER_00: And again, without a doubt, I am definitely not perfect.
• 39:11
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't know, these are just some things that have been on my mind.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_00: They're things that I'm praying for, there are things that I've seen and noticed in my own relationship, things that I've seen that definitely do not work and cause issues, things that I've seen that seem to be helping us.
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, we're all, we're all a work in progress.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_00: We're all a work in progress.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_00: And our marriages, I think, are still works, works in progress.
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_00: But just because we've reached like midlife, we've reached a certain age, doesn't mean that our marriages are just gonna plateau and stay the same or like just start to tank, that we just like have to accept that.
• 39:44
  SPEAKER_00: I still think they can be really great.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_00: We can build really special relationships and be even more connected if we put in a little bit of effort, you know.
• 39:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if we stay in prayer and if we hold our husbands in high regard and we show up as our best selves in the relationship and we, you know, let go of our pride and have a little humility there and are able to communicate in a kind and respectful and open manner.
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so, yeah, I think, you know, a big take-home here to remember as we're starting to wind down, and again, I apologize for this going so long, is that I heard this years ago at a woman's mom's group or conference.
• 40:21
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, it might have been a small group, but I think it was from a book we were reading about marriages.
• 40:26
  SPEAKER_00: And it was that research shows that the most important thing to a husband in a marriage is respect.
• 40:33
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, I fall short of that on the regular because it's a tricky thing.
• 40:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's easy to yammer, it's easy to complain, it's easy to tear them down, it's easy to nag.
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I think if we can just again learn to try to rein in our tongues a little bit more and hold back and not nag and not complain so much, it'll go a really long way.
• 40:53
  SPEAKER_00: It'll go a really long way.
• 40:55
  SPEAKER_00: And that doesn't mean that we have to lose ourselves or that we have to be these weak, you know, little mouses.
• 41:01
  SPEAKER_00: I I am far mouse mice.
• 41:03
  SPEAKER_00: We we have to be these weak little mice.
• 41:05
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I am far from that.
• 41:07
  SPEAKER_00: I tell my husband often, like, if you had married a little like mouse of a wife, you would have run all over her.
• 41:13
  SPEAKER_00: So there's balance.
• 41:14
  SPEAKER_00: But, you know, we are called to love and respect our husbands.
• 41:18
  SPEAKER_00: We are called to love and respect our husbands, and they, you know, that's what they're looking for.
• 41:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think we need to remember that.
• 41:24
  SPEAKER_00: And we need to sometimes the best thing that we can do in an argument or in a heated moment, or if tempers are flaring, or whatever it is, is just hold our tongues, be the one to stop it.
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_00: And that's so hard for me because I love to have the last word, and so does my husband.
• 41:42
  SPEAKER_00: But, you know, I find that if I can just zip my lip and just stop it in that moment, it doesn't continue.
• 41:48
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever it is that's the argument or whatever it is, it stops.
• 41:51
  SPEAKER_00: And that takes a lot of self-control, at least for me, like really working on self-control and remembering to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.
• 42:01
  SPEAKER_00: But it's so important and it is diffused a lot for us.
• 42:04
  SPEAKER_00: And what I found is that then after the fact, after things have cooled down, and maybe it's that a couple hours later, a day later, whatever, even a week later, if there's something that is bothering you that needs to be addressed, go back and do that, but not in the heat of the moment.
• 42:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like almost nothing good happens if you're both emotional and upset.
• 42:21
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, just zipping it when you need to, I think is very important and something that we need to remember.
• 42:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I would also encourage you to just to consider like, it's easy to focus on all the bad and all the negative things, the things that after all these years in a marriage drive you nuts about your husband.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's easy for me to do that, and I've done that.
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_00: But what if we stop doing that?
• 42:43
  SPEAKER_00: And what if instead we started focusing on all the good things, like the things that we really love, the things that we have to be grateful for in our marriages, in our spouses, because again, none of us are perfect, you know.
• 42:54
  SPEAKER_00: So for my own husband, instead of like focusing on man, he thinks he knows everything, I could focus more on like, oh my gosh, he's one of the funniest people I know.
• 43:03
  SPEAKER_00: And he makes me laugh on the regular, and it just brings so much more joy to the house and into our relationship.
• 43:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's a really great quality.
• 43:12
  SPEAKER_00: Why don't I focus more on those things?
• 43:14
  SPEAKER_00: I think if we could do that, if we could practice that more often and in our marriages and in life, focusing on the good instead of always seeing the negative would be so impactful for our marriages.
• 43:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then lastly, um, just as we close, like just I just pray for all of us and and I pray this regularly for me in all aspects of my life, and in particular in my marriage, and I pray it for us too that we would just stay really close to the branch that is Jesus as our vine grows out, and that if we stay close enough um and we are obedient to him and we pray to him to just grow our vine and bear that spiritual fruit in all aspects of our life, and in particular in our marriage, you know, the spiritual fruit of goodness and kindness and gentleness and love and joy and peace and self-control.
• 44:04
  SPEAKER_00: And did I say patience?
• 44:06
  SPEAKER_00: Patience and uh faithfulness.
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_00: I might have missed one, but at any rate, you know, to bear those fruit.
• 44:13
  SPEAKER_00: And they're just, you know, I speak those out loud and I pray them over my marriage, and I will pray that over all of us because those are just such amazing, godly characters, those fruits of the spirit.
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_00: And just imagine if we bared more of that and worked on more of that for ourselves, to show up in those ways with gentleness and goodness and kindness and love and joy and patience and peace and all.
• 44:35
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, imagine the difference we could make in our marriages, the difference we could make in our homes, the difference we could make in the world.
• 44:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then that is all possible, but it's not possible in our own strength.
• 44:46
  SPEAKER_00: But it is possible when we stay connected to the branch and when we ask the Holy Spirit and God for those things.
• 44:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I would encourage you in that as well.
• 44:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I would just be praying this next week for our marriages and that God would make the second half of our life even better than the first half, just like he declared and did for Job.
• 45:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so grateful for you guys.
• 45:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so grateful that I can talk to you.
• 45:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's so cathartic and healing for me.
• 45:09
  SPEAKER_00: I know I was probably a little all over the place today, but I hope it was worthwhile.
• 45:13
  SPEAKER_00: Again, please reach out and and just let me know what your what your thoughts are.
• 45:19
  SPEAKER_00: What you think about, you know, the conversation that I had here, if you have anything to add, if you have any questions or things that you're struggling with, if you do something that works really well in your marriage, I would love to hear about it.
• 45:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'd love to be able to share with other women.
• 45:33
  SPEAKER_00: I definitely answer every email that comes in.
• 45:36
  SPEAKER_00: And who knows, maybe I'll address one of them in an upcoming episode.
• 45:39
  SPEAKER_00: Again, the email is Brooke with an E at the end at thestillwellmom.com.
• 45:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and remember you can follow me and find everything Stillwell Mom on Instagram and Facebook at the Stillwell Mom.
• 45:54
  SPEAKER_00: You can also go to the website thestillom.com to see everything that's going on there.
• 46:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm also working on a new little kind of free little gift for you guys, a little starter kit, if you will, seven must-haves to live physically strong, steady emotionally, and rooted in faith in this next phase of life.
• 46:15
  SPEAKER_00: My my favorite seven things that I've been using, and it should be ready for you to go next week when this drops as you're listening to it.
• 46:22
  SPEAKER_00: You'll be able to find that on my Instagram profile or on the website.
• 46:27
  SPEAKER_00: Bear with me.
• 46:28
  SPEAKER_00: I think it'll be out this week.
• 46:29
  SPEAKER_00: If it's not, continue to look for it because it's coming.
• 46:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I just hope that those things will bless you and help you grow in this phase of life as much as they've helped me.
• 46:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I just want to thank you again so much for being here and listening and showing up.
• 46:43
  SPEAKER_00: If anything that I've said if has made an impact, if you're enjoying this podcast, I would love for you to do two things for me.
• 46:50
  SPEAKER_00: I would love it.
• 46:50
  SPEAKER_00: It would mean so much if you would rate and review the podcast and also share with a friend who might need to hear these things too, or might need to just join in the conversation, join our Stillwell mom community.
• 47:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and remember that uh you don't have to do midlife alone.
• 47:05
  SPEAKER_00: You can always choose stewardship over striving, and you can be strong in body, steady in mind, and rooted in faith.
• 47:16
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.