Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Think You’ll Never Hear From Your Ex?

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Think You’ll Never Hear From Your Ex? · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:07
  If you're watching this, you probably haven't heard from your
• 0:09
  ex in weeks, maybe months, and your brain has already decided
• 0:15
  I'm never going to hear from them again.
• 0:18
  Well, today I want to explain why that thought shows up so
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  strongly and why it feels so convincing, and why it's often
• 0:28
  not the truth even though it feels like it in the moment.
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  This video isn't about manifesting or wishful thinking
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  or clinging to hope. It's about understanding what's
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  actually happening with your brain when there's silence from
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  an ex so that you stop letting fear run the story.
• 0:48
  But first. Hi, this is Lucia with the art
• 0:50
  of love. I'm a dating and relationship
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  expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
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  over your ex and welcome back my beautiful no contact army.
• 1:01
  Have you downloaded my app Cilencio?
• 1:03
  Well with you have or you haven't at the moment I have a
• 1:06
  special offer. If you leave a review for the
• 1:10
  app, not just a rating, a written review.
• 1:14
  You just have to send a screenshot of your review and we
• 1:18
  will send you a copy of my book, No Contact Secrets.
• 1:24
  So I look forward to receiving your reviews and sending you the
• 1:27
  book. And if you too would like to
• 1:29
  join our army, all you have to do is hit the subscribe button
• 1:32
  and the bell notification and you're in.
• 1:37
  OK, so when an X goes silent, most people assume that silence
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  equals rejection. But that's not because silence
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  actually means rejection. It's because the human brain
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  does not tolerate uncertainty well, unfortunately.
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  So your nervous system fills in the gap quickly, and it does not
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  choose a hopeful interpretation when there's no new information.
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  It assumes the worst, as I'm sure you've noticed, and from an
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  evolutionary standpoint, it's because no signal, so no
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  information, no data equals something's wrong, something's
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  up. So your mind doesn't say, oh,
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  nothing's happening yet. It says I've been abandoned.
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  It's so melodramatic. But that's not intuition, that's
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  threat detection. That conclusion hurts,
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  obviously, but it's certain, and certainty feels safer to the
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  brain than not knowing than ambiguity, because your brain
• 2:48
  would rather believe something painful like they're never
• 2:52
  coming back than sit down in the unknown.
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  And I hate that this is the way we're wired, but I understand
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  it's for survival, you know? The brain is a hater, but don't
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  worry, we're going to outsmart it.
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  Yes, we are. So, you know, hope feels
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  unstable when you haven't heard anything, when you're in no
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  contact. Waiting feels vulnerable.
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  Not knowing feels like a loss of control.
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  And so your mind jumps to, oh, they've moved on.
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  I didn't matter. If they wanted to, they would
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  have reached out. And those feelings feel true
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  because they give the nervous system a sense, a sense of
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  finality. But feeling true is not the same
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  as being true. It's just the brain trying to
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  shut the emotional door so it doesn't keep hurting.
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  You know the brain hates open loops.
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  As I talked about in my video 7 Reasons Why the The no contact
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  rule Works on everyone, and I'll put the link to that in the
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  upper right hand corner on YouTube.
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  So even a negative outcome that feels certain is calming to the
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  nervous system instead of an open loop of not knowing.
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  And so weeks pass, months pass, and time starts to feel like
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  proof. Weeks or months of silence feel
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  like evidence. But time is not evidence.
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  It's just time. And in fact, one of my clients
• 4:25
  heard from his ex and they broke up nine months ago.
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  Now, there's been minimal contact during those nine
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  months, and it's always been his ex who has reached out.
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  But the other day she reached out and she invited him to come
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  over. Now, if you had asked him the
• 4:42
  day before after nine months of breakup, hey, what do you think
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  the chances are of your ex texting you tomorrow and saying
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  come over? He probably would have said 1%,
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  you know, because it's never 0%. There's always a chance, right?
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  Unless they're dead. So he would have said 1%.
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  Meanwhile the next day out of the blue seemingly she texted
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  come over. So you never know.
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  But the problem is that your mind commits A cognitive error
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  called availability bias and people assume, well if it hasn't
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  happened yet, it won't. I haven't heard from them.
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  Therefore nothing is happening or it never will happen.
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  And that's a cognitive shortcut, but it's not reality, as you can
• 5:33
  see with my client. But internally, exes often think
• 5:40
  without acting. So they're thinking about you,
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  but they're not doing anything yet.
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  They suppress urges, They want to reach out, but they make
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  themselves stop. They wait for the right moment.
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  It's like, well, maybe tomorrow, no, OK, maybe the next day,
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  maybe next week. They feel shame, pride, and
• 5:56
  fear, but they don't want to reach out yet.
• 6:00
  Or they assume you don't want to hear from them, Right?
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  Especially if you're in no contact and haven't broken it.
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  But science doesn't tell you what they're thinking and
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  feeling because exes often reach out after emotional processing,
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  so they process their feelings. Failed rebounds.
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  It didn't work. Calming down, missing you, Life
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  events. I had another client who her ex
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  reached out after he had been involved in an accident.
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  So again, she thought it was over.
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  It had been a long time since the breakup and all of a sudden,
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  poof, out of the blue, he wanted to talk to someone and he wanted
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  to talk to her. So science doesn't mean that
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  nothing is happening internally. It just means that nothing is
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  having happening outwardly doesn't mean there's nothing
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  going, nothing going on. And sometimes there is actually
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  a lot going on. You just don't know it yet.
• 7:00
  And that's why a lot of times after people get back together,
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  then they find out their ex wanted to contact them.
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  Their ex was scared, their ex thought they didn't want to hear
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  from them, blah, blah blah. They thought their ex was just,
• 7:10
  you know, chilling, having a good old time.
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  It's like, no. So no contact removes external
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  reassurance because there's no texts, no updates, no feedback.
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  And so your brain goes into OverDrive, OverDrive trying to
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  make meaning out of nothing. And that's why people in no
• 7:30
  contact always think, oh, this isn't working.
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  And that's not because it's not working.
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  It's because the mind is uncomfortable without data.
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  So that thought is about self protection.
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  If you convince yourself it's over, then you stop hoping, you
• 7:45
  stop waiting. It's the brain saying, hey,
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  let's grieve instead of staying emotionally open.
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  But that doesn't mean that whatever you're thinking is
• 7:54
  accurate. It means that your system is
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  trying to reduce pain. Now, something interesting is
• 8:01
  that a breakup activates the same region of the brain that
• 8:06
  lights up when you burn your hand.
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  Your brain wants the pain to end, so it searches for
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  certainty and negative conclusions.
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  Feel horrible, but at least they're certain.
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  That's why people often ask, did I blow it?
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  Did I blow it? Is it over?
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  Totally. I've always hated that question
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  because it comes from such a powerless standpoint.
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  And so from now on, anyone who asks that question, I'm going to
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  direct them to this video. Also your attachment system
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  wants connection and when it doesn't get it, it goes into
• 8:47
  meaning making mode. MMM and it doesn't come up with
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  neutral stories. It makes up stories that
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  simplify the pain. They've moved on.
• 9:00
  I didn't matter. If they wanted to they would.
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  They're never coming back. And those stories give your
• 9:09
  nervous system something to hold on to even though it hurts.
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  Also, under stress your mind collapses time and decides if it
• 9:18
  hasn't happened yet, it's never going to happen.
• 9:22
  But emotional processing is not linear.
• 9:25
  People reach out after 45 days, 60 days, six months, a year, a
• 9:32
  life event, a failed rebound, a calm nervous system.
• 9:38
  So the timeline in your head is only arbitrary.
• 9:42
  It is not factual. But your brain would rather
• 9:47
  grieve and shut the door than stay emotionally open and
• 9:51
  vulnerable. That's why the mind, the brain
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  is a hater. So saying they won't reach out
• 9:58
  is the mind trying to kill hope, reduce longing, avoid
• 10:03
  disappointment. It's protection, not prophecy.
• 10:08
  So how do we get around this brain wiring?
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  So instead of thinking, oh, they're never, they're never
• 10:16
  going to reach out every time you have a negative thought,
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  instead say, well, we'll see. So if your mind says they're
• 10:24
  gone for good, you say, well, we'll see.
• 10:27
  Your mind says they're never coming back.
• 10:29
  We'll see. And that way you're not fighting
• 10:33
  with your brain because you, if you try to think positive and
• 10:36
  go, yes, they're definitely coming back.
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  Your brain's going to be like, yeah, right.
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  You're deluding yourself. Just stop it.
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  They're not coming back, right? So there's no point in fighting
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  with the brain. You got to outsmart it.
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  And that's why anytime you have a negative thought, as I said,
• 10:51
  just revert back to we'll see, we'll see.
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  And you got to do that. You can't just say, we'll see,
• 11:00
  we'll see. OK, So silence is not a verdict.
• 11:06
  It's not proof. It's just absence of data, and
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  absence of data is where anxious minds invent imaginary
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  conclusions. If you're in no contact and your
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  brain is telling you it's over, don't believe it.
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  That thought is usually fear talking, not truth.
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  OK so now I want to hear from you.
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  Which negative thought do you keep looping in terms of ever
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  hearing from your ex? Do you say oh I'll never hear
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  from them or oh they moved on or oh they don't care?
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  So comment below and let me know what your negative thought is.
• 11:44
  And in the meantime, if you would like my help to get your
• 11:47
  ex back, you can contact me at theartoflove.net/coaching and we
• 11:51
  will send you the rates. They are not on the website.
• 11:54
  If you found this video helpful, hit the subscribe button so you
• 11:58
  don't miss out on any future videos.
• 12:00
  If you're listening to this as a podcast, also hit the subscribe
• 12:04
  button so you don't miss future episodes.
• 12:06
  And remember, love inspires, empowers, uplifts and
• 12:10
  enlightens.