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What Your Ex Wants When They Text You · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:07
  If you're in no contact and your ex texts you, do not be in a
• 0:12
  rush to respond. That message is not random.
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  In this video I'm going to break down what your ex really wants
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  when they reach out during no contact.
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  Why responding the wrong way can backfire and how to respond, how
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  to handle it without losing your leverage.
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  But first. Hi, this is Lucia with the art
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  of love. I'm a dating and relationship
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  expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
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  over your ex. And welcome back my beautiful no
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  contact army. Have you downloaded my app
• 0:46
  Silencio to help you stay in no contact?
• 0:50
  If you haven't, the link to that is underneath every single video
• 0:52
  and podcast. And we now have a community tab
• 0:56
  where you can post about your situation and get answers from
• 0:59
  other members of the no contact army.
• 1:03
  And if you too would like to join our army, just hit the
• 1:05
  subscribe button and the bell notification and you're in
• 1:10
  Enter. Read our manual.
• 1:11
  Go to nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters
• 1:15
  before you purchase the book. OK, so when your ex texts you
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  during no contact, this isn't about trying to interact with
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  them. This is about avoiding mistakes.
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  When an ex reaches out, it's usually a temperature check.
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  They want to see if you're still available, just in case they
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  change their mind. They pretend they're checking
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  in, they want to see if you'll still respond.
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  They want to remind you that they still exist, and they want
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  to make sure that you don't get too far just in case.
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  Yes, they broke up with you, but they don't want you to go too
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  far. And the worst thing you can do
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  is to respond too quickly. If you respond right away,
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  you'll look eager, like you've been waiting for this moment.
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  I know you have. But you don't want to make it
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  look like you've been waiting for this moment.
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  And in this scenario, not playing games is not going to
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  help you because people say, well, I don't want to play
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  games. Yeah, you kind of do.
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  So you need to be prepared to fight your natural instinct to
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  respond immediately. And also, waiting gives you 2
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  advantages. 1, you don't look emotionally available on demand.
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  And two, you give yourself time to think carefully about how
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  you're going to respond. Because the respond you want to
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  give when you first hear from them is probably not the
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  response that you decide you want to give.
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  If you wait 456 hours, even the next day, you don't have to
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  respond right away. This isn't a normal and dating
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  situation now. This is a breakup.
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  You can respond whenever you damn well please.
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  Now keep this in mind. If your ex was 100% certain
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  about the breakup, if they were truly happy, confident, and
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  relieved that you're out of their life, they would not be
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  reaching out OK? Because they wouldn't want to
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  give you false hope. They leave you alone because
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  they know you're probably not very happy with them, so why
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  would they contact you? So when they text, it means that
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  there's uncertainty. They want reassurance that
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  you're still there, that they haven't pushed you away, and
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  that you haven't moved on emotionally or physically.
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  And they could still get you back if they wanted to.
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  Because as I've said many times, people are rarely 100% certain
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  about a breakup when they are the dumper, but you cannot rush
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  to give them the reassurance they're looking for, even though
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  everything inside you was screaming to do it because it
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  would calm your anxiety. But that's not strategic.
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  If they think that they can get you back at any time, why would
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  they hurry up and come back? If they feel they have all the
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  time in the world and you're not going anywhere, there's no
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  urgency. Think about it like this.
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  If there's an item of clothing, let's say, and it's on sale all
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  year round, there's no rush to decide, right?
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  But if it's rarely on sale and only for a short time, you
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  suddenly feel the pressure to make up your mind.
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  It's like, hmm, I better buy it now if I really want it.
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  Otherwise, who knows when it'll be on sale again.
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  So they need to see that you're not going to be permanently
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  available whenever they feel like coming back, even if that's
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  exactly how you feel right now. And you know what?
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  They may even feel entitled to you, especially if you were
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  together for a long time. Like you'd be thrilled if they
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  changed their mind. So you don't want to be too
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  nice, too happy, too friendly. And you definitely don't want to
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  compliment them because they will interpret that as you
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  wanting them back. And do not ask if they're dating
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  anyone. Even if they tell you the truth,
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  what are you actually going to do with that information?
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  I don't think it's going to improve your situation to know
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  the answer to that. And also don't volunteer that
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  you're dating because they'll see right through it and they'll
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  know you're trying to make them jealous and that's not going to
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  work. So if you don't give them
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  reassurance, you force them to confront the reality that unless
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  they do something, you will eventually be gone for good.
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  And that pressure forces a decision sooner rather than
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  later, which is what we want right now.
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  If they reach out and they say I miss you, the worst possible
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  response is I miss you too. And I have a whole separate
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  video on how to respond to the I miss you text, and I'll put the
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  link to that in the upper right hand corner on YouTube.
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  And definitely don't volunteer that you miss them.
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  They assume that you missed them and that's going to put pressure
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  on them and it's actually going to push them away.
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  It does not draw them closer, OK?
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  They don't care if you miss them if their interest level is not
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  high and you want to relieve your anxiety by saying that, but
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  it's not going to help your cause, so shut up.
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  This is also not the time to get pulled into a long emotional
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  conversation about the relationship or the breakup.
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  There's going to be time for that later if they earn it.
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  So don't carry the conversation when they text you, just make
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  statements. Don't ask questions, just mirror
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  them. Don't talk more than they talk.
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  They need to lead the conversation.
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  Let them wonder if the breakup has turned you off, because
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  maybe it has. They don't know, right?
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  And this isn't about being cold, it's about not being as warm as
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  they expected or hoped that you would be.
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  So don't try to extend the conversation and don't tell them
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  how much pain you're in. They assume you are in pain and
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  if anything, they're going to be shocked if you act like you're
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  not. They'll be like, well, I thought
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  they'd be all broken hearted, but ha, they seem to be good.
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  And that will actually draw them in.
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  Even if you think, oh, it'll push them away.
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  No, again, counterintuitive because you know, it might feel
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  good in a moment, but it's not going to make them come back.
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  When you appear OK with the breakup, they start to second
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  guess whether they made a big mistake.
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  And if your ex is reaching out at all, even with something
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  trivial, which a lot of times it will be, it's a sign.
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  And the sign is that no contact is working because all they have
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  is silence, and silence leaves them with no idea what you're
• 8:00
  thinking or feeling. And finally, should you even
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  respond the first time they reach out?
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  Well, most of the time you should actually wait and see if
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  they text again. It depends on what the message
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  says, but most first texts aren't significant and waiting
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  shows them that if they want your attention, they're going to
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  have to put in a little more effort.
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  They can't breadcrumb you or use you to get over you, which is
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  sometimes what XS do. They want to be in touch so that
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  they can get over you. But we're not going to let them
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  do that, right? And I've actually done several
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  videos on how to respond to an X and I will put the link in the
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  upper right hand corner on YouTube.
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  All right, So if you have any questions about what I said then
• 8:51
  please comment below and let me know what your question is.
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  Otherwise, let me know how long you've been in no contact and if
• 8:57
  you would like my help to get your ex back, you can contact me
• 9:01
  at theartoflove.net/coaching and we will send you the rates.
• 9:05
  They are not on the website. If you found this video helpful,
• 9:10
  be sure to subscribe. If you are listening to this as
• 9:14
  a podcast, be sure to subscribe also so you don't miss out on
• 9:18
  future episodes. And finally, remember, love
• 9:21
  inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.