Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Midlife Crises: Can They And Should They Be Prevented?

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Midlife Crises: Can They And Should They Be Prevented? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

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  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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  Psych mom show today we're going to be talking about midlife
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  crises particularly in men as that was a question that I got
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  in my Facebook group which you should join if you like
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  discussing these things. And if you have not subscribed
• 0:23
  yet, you should definitely subscribe.
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  Yesterday's. Episode was on self care and how
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  that term has really jumped the shark.
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  And it is now actually pretty problematic within the marriages
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  that I see And as much as people are prioritizing self-care over,
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  any care of the relationship or the partner.
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  So that one's pretty interesting if you've ever thought that
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  yourself. So okay, so what do people mean
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  by a midlife crisis, this is fairly common term.
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  It means around the age of 40 years or so people start to
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  recognize they're not going to live forever, they're halfway
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  through their life, those midlife.
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  And that could be a real you know, difficult realization and
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  something. Which Makes you re-evaluate your
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  life and how you have been engaging in various, you know,
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  important Arenas of your life such as relationship, career
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  parenting, Social Life Fitness Health, mental, health,
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  whatever. So you come to the midpoint of
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  your life pretty much statistically Actuarial, e.
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  And you say, is this the way that, I mean to go on what have
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  I done so far? What do I want to do?
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  Have I just been treading water. Water.
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  Whether that's at my job or in my marriage or as a parent,
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  however, and have I really been living with intention, you know,
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  and would I be proud of myself if I were to, you know, go on
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  like this, is this the life that I want?
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  Do I really feel like I'm making an impact on the world?
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  Do I feel like I'm enjoying myself, do I feel like I've
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  dealt with and reckoned with, you know, the problems for my
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  past, Etc. So, this is a real real common
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  time for people to come. And The therapy if that wouldn't
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  be immediately evident which it probably is a lot of people that
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  I get are in midlife, and they are Reckoning with more
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  existential questions of this nature.
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  Rather than coming in solely to treat something like depression
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  or anxiety. Instead they are Reckoning with
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  larger questions, you know, framing their life differently
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  at cetera and these are things that they're be can certainly
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  help with and it's and it's important to recognize that this
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  is This isn't bad like a midlife crisis, isn't bad.
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  It's it's called a crisis, you know, because people feel that
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  it's very urgent to reshape how they view their lives, right?
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  But it's, it doesn't have to be a bad thing, re-examining your
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  life and exploring what makes sense and what's meaningful to
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  you is positive thing and the more that you do this throughout
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  your life, the less likely you are to have some definitive
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  moment of time that you demarcate as a midlife That's
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  right. If you're constantly in a
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  journey of self reflection and self exploration and
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  reimagining, what your life looks like, which many people
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  are particularly more, highly sensitive introspective people
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  tend to do this on a regular basis, so it's not limited to
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  turning 40 or what have you. And also, it's not only turning
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  40. It's anytime that your mortality
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  become Salient. So frequently after a health
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  scare, some people go into the doctor.
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  And they have high blood pressure and they're like, oh my
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  God, I'm so stressed out, why am I so stressed out all the time,
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  I'm doing all this in my career so that I could enjoy my life
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  and mean while suffering from high blood pressure, because I'm
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  so anxious at all times on this hamster wheel.
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  So that's like a common one, as well.
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  Now, the caricature of midlife crisis is that men go out, they
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  buy a Porsche, they get, they cheat on their wives, they leave
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  their wives, whatever. They start going to the gym all
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  the time. Yeah, like you can carry.
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  Get your anything and make fun of anything, you know.
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  But think about it. I mean, at some point, you know
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  anybody thinks what is it all really for?
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  So that's usually what the Porsche is all about, you know,
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  is for men, you know, just like for women it may be whatever a
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  boob job or a beach house or whatever is important to that
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  woman in terms of am I really enjoying my life?
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  What am I working for? Do I get any enjoyment and a lot
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  of guys who have really hitched themselves to to this identity
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  is like a beast of burden. You know, somebody was a
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  Workhorse who just works all the time.
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  Comes home takes care of kids and there's no real intimacy
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  with the partner. There's nothing joyful.
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  There's nothing fun. A lot of guys, chafe at this.
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  Self-conception starting in mid life, they've grown more
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  confident. They've done some reading.
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  They've done some thinking, and they, they don't want this to be
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  all there is in their life. And that's really
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  understandable. Women have similar thoughts.
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  You know, like why is my conception of myself only as a
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  mother only had somebody that gives and gives somebody who
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  sacrifices for my kids and for my job, do I ever get to enjoy
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  myself? So that's a common theme in
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  midlife and that is something to really introspect about, you
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  know, because that's not a bad thing.
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  Midlife crisis makes it seem like the person goes crazy, you
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  know, and they just completely Askew all their obligations.
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  And Possibilities, that's pretty rare.
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  You know, the majority of people really just want a deeper dive
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  into figuring out, what makes them tick and that's a good
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  thing. That can be something that leads
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  to, you know, a motivator in therapy and motivator to
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  re-examine and reimagine your career.
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  It's really like a good time, you know, to, to think.
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  And how can you stop yourself from doing something?
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  Totally irresponsible. Well, the major one in terms of
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  irresponsibility, when Fear their husbands midlife crises
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  particularly is of course leaving the woman for different
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  woman. You know, younger woman is the,
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  you know, prevailing caricature, right?
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  I mean how could you do this while?
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  I mean, what am I going to say? You should know it as I'm saying
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  it. You could get into counseling,
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  you could start to work on your marriage before midlife or when
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  the dissatisfaction starts because so many men and women
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  start to be dissatisfied with their marriages, very openly.
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  Once the children are in elementary school, you know, and
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  It's not that there weren't problems before there certainly
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  were, but things were so hectic. You know, you had little little
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  babies, little kids toddlers. I mean, everything was about the
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  basically, the care and feeding and snapping of these little
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  creatures. And then when they're old enough
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  to have some sort of Independence and they're out of
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  the house, the whole day, people have the space, the mental and
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  emotional, and actual time, and space to, you know, introspect
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  more and to think about the relationship when Or that you
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  were really just in a very routine.
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  Based urgent moment-to-moment sort of childcare situation
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  after that, you know, and of course this time when the kids
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  go into Elementary School frequently, coincides with
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  midlife, that's just kind of the time at which people have
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  children and so when the kids go into school and especially as
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  they get older and older middle school, high school Etc, people
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  kind of see the writing on the wall.
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  You know of course you always knew your kids were going to get
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  older and leave the house but you can't you don't feel it as
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  viscerally as experientially as when they are, literally gone
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  all the time having their own social lives, which starts a lot
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  for a lot of kids in middle school.
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  So at that point they have their own Friday night.
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  Plans, that you are looking at your spouse.
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  Like I don't really want to hang out with you, you know like what
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  kind of relationship do we have? But if earlier than that, people
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  made the space to focus on their marriages, even during the small
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  kids phase. Then of course, That's going to
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  be a preventive measure against later marital problems and
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  Detachment because I see so many people who feel completely
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  detached when the kids are in school, because they really were
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  detached all along, parallel parenting when the kids were
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  little. So if you work on your marriage,
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  when you first start feeling that Detachment and you focus on
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  keeping the couple of priority, the sex life, a priority, the
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  Romantic life of Prayer. Already the emotional connection
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  a priority then that is certainly going to shore up the
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  marriage and render it less susceptible to, you know,
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  midlife divorce. And this is this is just common
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  sensical. But many people like to put not
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  like to but they they put the marriage on the back burner
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  because it doesn't seem as urgent to work on the marriage
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  as it does to work on everything else, you know like with the
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  kids and with their little activities and all of these
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  things. So many people make their whole
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  life about going to the family Festival, the you know, the
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  Pumpkin Festival and the Christmas festival.
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  And then we see Grandma and we see Grandpa and then we go to
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  swim class and then, you know, we have our nap schedule.
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  We read all these little books and every book about parenting
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  in the world, and they basically don't think about their marriage
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  at all from the time that they're pregnant with their
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  first child to the time that the last child is in elementary
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  school, not to be a really long time, you know, I mean,
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  especially you got multiple kids Etc, you could be talking a
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  good, you know, Decade of really not thinking much about the
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  marriage and then yeah. Both people do feel pretty
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  disconnected in midlife and then are, you know, at risk of
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  falling in love with somebody else or just falling in love
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  with the idea of not being married anymore and perhaps
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  finding somebody more compatible.
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  So, so yeah. So one thing to do to prevent
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  this, this aspect of the midlife crisis, the divorce part is is
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  to focus on the marriage earlier.
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  Ron or whenever it occurs to you, if the only time that it
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  really occurs to you that you're unhappy is when the kids go to
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  elementary school while then get into couples counseling.
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  Then don't defer it further. I mean, you've probably already
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  deferred it too much. Now, in terms of the other
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  things like the people that go, you know, get their car, they
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  start working out all the time. Men are very in their very upset
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  by the idea of Aging often more so than women in my practice and
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  I've discussed This a lot biologically in my podcasts
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  about men aging and their biology across the lifespan.
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  And then the companion about women's aging and biology across
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  the lifespan, women have had their bodies change a lot.
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  You know, they, they menstruate, they've been pregnant, they've
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  nursed it. Possibly, they've done.
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  You know, basically over the course of the month, your body
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  is real different. Women experience, more weight
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  gain up and down, like in the winter due to depression, and
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  then they lose it and the spring like their bodies change.
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  A lot men, not so much. They start agent, they could
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  pretty much look the same until they start you know pack it on
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  the way it was like a sedentary job and they just get much less
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  athletic and then you know that penis stops working quite as
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  well. And this stuff happens in
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  midlife and the guy was like kind of loses his mind since his
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  first experience with anything that he can't control and his
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  body, women can control their bodies at all, you know, I mean
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  it's it's pregnancy. It's like totally happening to
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  you. You you can't, you can't
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  outthink the next stage of a pregnancy, you know.
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  You can't out work out, you know, you can't work out and
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  not, you know, be and have the fetus not grow and if you could
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  I would certainly not be a positive.
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  And so women are more used to the idea of your body doing
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  things that you can't control for men.
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  This comes like a big slap in the face around midlife.
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  So that is also a big component of why men get more freaked out
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  and general. Now women have been Crisis to
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  constantly you know but they can be a lot more existentially and
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  psychologically focused versus like like, oh my God, my dick is
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  only going to work for like 10 more years.
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  Holy shit. What am I gonna do?
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  You know? And so this is when men go on
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  testosterone, they start working out all the time they want.
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  I'd fear, like, constantly. I'm in the best shape of my
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  life, the guys, 4550, whatever. I'm sure, you know, they are in
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  good shape to surely not, you know, in better shape than they
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  could have been if they were in good shape.
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  Tape at 18. But you know people like to say
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  this kind of thing men in particular and it is, it's
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  fighting against death, it's fighting against mortality.
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  So it's a common human drive and I've seen it more relevant to
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  men who have never again experienced this sort of body
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  doing things outside of my control and that women have.
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  So, in this regard, sure. Go to the gym.
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  Do whatever you want to do. But don't forget about the fact
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  that your wife Probably wants to spend time with you hopefully
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  and the going to the gym constantly and becoming
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  extremely focused on not aging is likely to not.
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  Be so fun. In your wife's eyes because she
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  is going to perceive it as immature.
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  And to some extent it is definitionally like not
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  accepting aging is not the most healthy perspective because
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  aging is going to happen. No matter what, you know.
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  And so Again, couples counseling and also individual therapy can
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  really help people grapple with aging and the fact that aging
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  and not being in control of your body to the same, extent happens
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  to everybody, and you can pretend that you're pushing it
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  back for a couple of years by, you know, go to the gym and what
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  have you? But in reality people die, you
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  know, like, eventually we all die, and if that's a terrifying,
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  thought then Psychotherapy with them. existential bent, not
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  everything again is addressing direct like immediate issues of
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  massive crises therapy can really help you kind of get used
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  to different ways of thinking and get used to the idea that
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  agent comes for all of us and brecon, with why it's so
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  difficult for you and particular beyond what I just said about
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  males, if you grew up feeling that appearance squander their
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  life or didn't make use of their life, then you are going to be
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  particularly, you know, Affected and triggered.
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  By any idea that you may not be living yours to the fullest or
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  that you may have wasted or squandered, any of yours that
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  just makes sense. Because it's something that
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  you're scared of, because you saw it in your family of origin.
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  So family of origin, were can really help give people a larger
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  and wider perspective on why they're grappling with these
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  existential issues in midlife possibly more than the average
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  person. So that's also something to
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  think about of course, is the psychological piece of why you
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  individually may be struggling with me.
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  I've crisis that's something super important to think about
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  just in terms of you and who you are versus, you know, everybody.
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  So there's a sociological and the greater, you know, component
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  of what does everybody struggle with versus?
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  Why are you particularly struggled with struggling with
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  various? You know, specific triggers and
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  midlife. So for example, a guy that feels
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  like he never had a very good sex life.
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  Well, Well, if he stops getting morning erections, he's going to
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  feel real upset. Because then he's like, holy
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  shit. I never even had a good sex life
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  and now it's coming to an end. Oh my God.
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  And then, of course, that guy would be a greater risk of
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  cheating, you know? Because he but what could he do
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  instead is maybe he could get into the couples counseling and
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  work on the sex life, right? Address it directly.
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  So anyway, there's all these sorts of issues and I could
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  continue to talk about this probably forever but this just
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  gives you a little sense of what men struggle with in midlife and
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  also I touched on what Women struggle with as well.
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  I can get more into that but hopefully this was useful.
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  Please do join my Facebook group where we grapple with these
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  sorts of existential issues and are very funny.
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  My group members wanted me to use that.
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  In the marketing of the group is that everybody's hilarious,
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  which is true, everybody's really fun and funny and
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  supportive and it's a great place.
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  Alright, talk to you soon. Bye, bye.