Latest / The Daily Sarcast / April 14th, 2026: KitKats, Orange Jesus And Lindsey Life

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April 14th, 2026: KitKats, Orange Jesus And Lindsey Life · The Daily Sarcast

• 0:00
  Today's episode is brought to you by hearing gossip about someone and being
• 0:04
  told not to repeat it, but you don't even care enough to even repeat it at all.
• 0:08
  Just to let everyone know, I will not be attending prom.
• 0:12
  Please stop sending death threats to every teenage girl who could remotely be
• 0:16
  associated with me based on their proximity to where I live.
• 0:19
  It's not fair to them and their families.
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  Maybe also just stop sending death threats in general. That's just not cool.
• 0:25
  Kind of weird, I have to say this. Percy Jackson.
• 0:29
  Walker Scobell, the star of Percy Jackson, on why he's not going to prom this
• 0:33
  weekend because of death threats made to girls that he knows.
• 0:36
  Insert theme song here. This is The Daily Sarcast. I give you the news and maybe
• 0:40
  a laugh. I'm Lindsay Vernick and today's April 14th, 2026.
• 0:45
  Okay, so I'm back on set and I literally, when I tell you I leave before the
• 0:51
  sun comes up and I come home after the sun comes down, I'm not kidding.
• 0:56
  So I'm sorry if the sarcasts start to decline over this week again,
• 1:00
  but working 12 hour plus days and then coming home to record a podcast is not for the week.
• 1:07
  In real news, over a thousand people in Hollywood signed a letter this week
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  basically saying, hey, maybe let's not turn the entire entertainment industry
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  into one giant company that's run by three guys named Howard and David.
• 1:20
  We're talking names like Ben Stiller and Kristen Stewart, which means this isn't
• 1:25
  just background actors and one guy who played waiter number two on CSI once.
• 1:29
  This is real loud famous people going, absolutely not. it.
• 1:33
  So here's the deal. Paramount Skydance wants to buy Warner Brothers Discovery for $111 billion.
• 1:40
  That is a number so large, it stops feeling like money and starts feeling like a threat.
• 1:45
  The concern is simple. When a few massive companies own everything,
• 1:49
  they don't get more creative. They get very careful.
• 1:53
  Suddenly, every pitch has to be based on existing IP, globally scalable,
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  or comfortably familiar but slightly different, which is also how I describe
• 2:03
  every man on a dating app.
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  The studios are like, no, no, no, this is good for creativity,
• 2:08
  which is exactly what you say right before canceling three original shows and
• 2:12
  greenlighting Fast and Furious number 14.
• 2:15
  Listen, I get it. The industry is so horrible right now and streaming has like
• 2:20
  taken over the world and everyone's losing money except for a few people.
• 2:23
  But the solution can't just be fewer doors, because when there are fewer places
• 2:28
  to sell, fewer things get bought.
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  And when fewer things get bought, suddenly every idea has to be safer,
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  broader, and just edgy enough to feel like it's not written by the same five
• 2:38
  people, even though it absolutely was.
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  So yeah, the actors are worried about the integrity of the industry.
• 2:45
  But what they mean is this is how you end up with a million shows and nothing to watch.
• 2:50
  Did you hear about the 12 metric tons of special Formula One edition Kit Kats
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  that were stolen last month on their way from Italy to Poland?
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  And yes, I said that right. 12 metric tons.
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  That is over 400,000 Kit Kat bars.
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  Which means somewhere out there is either the most organized chocolate crime
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  ring in history or one woman going through something very, very bad.
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  And instead of Nestle panicking about the whole thing and launching investigations
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  or pretending to care about ongoing logistics disruptions, they just made a
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  joke about it. They literally said, we told people to take a break,
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  not take the whole truck.
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  That's insane to say, right? Or was it?
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  A company lost an entire moving mountain of chocolate, and their first instinct
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  was, let's be funny. And it worked.
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  But now this isn't a robbery. This is content, and this is a home moment.
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  Other brands jumped in immediately, like it was the Met Gala for people with social media managers.
• 3:54
  Everyone's posting and riffing about it. Everyone wants a bite of the stolen chocolate narrative.
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  And meanwhile, somewhere in Italy, there's probably a very tired police officer.
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  Like, I don't know, can we maybe focus on where the chocolates are?
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  But no, because we've officially entered the era where if something bad happens
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  to your company, you don't fix it, you brand it.
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  Imagine explaining this in literally any other context. Like,
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  hey, all my stuff got stolen.
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  Have you tried being charming about it online? And the craziest part is,
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  this is now best practice.
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  Crisis PR used to be deny, deflect, disappear.
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  And now it's post, wink, and go viral. So congratulations to Nestle.
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  You lost 12 tons of chocolate and somehow got so much PR from it that it's probably
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  worth more than the chocolate that was stolen.
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  Or maybe they're just handling things how I typically handle things in my life.
• 4:46
  Pretending that the worst things are actually just a huge joke and they're funny,
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  but behind the scenes I'm actually freaking the fuck out.
• 4:54
  So yesterday was just another casual Monday in the United States.
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  Donald Trump posted a photo of himself as Jesus.
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  Just straight up, full-on, divine, soft lighting, flowing robes,
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  healing a man like he is truly Jesus in the Bible.
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  And when people, understandably, said, hey, what in the Old Testament is this?
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  He deleted the post and covered his tracks and said, I thought it was me as a doctor.
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  A doctor, right, because the photo really screamed primary care physician with
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  glowing hands and a woman praying in the background like she was about to witness
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  a miracle instead of a copay. Obviously, he didn't apologize.
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  Apologizing for him is like cardio. He's just heard of it, but he doesn't participate.
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  Also happening at the same time, he's publicly going after Pope Leo,
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  calling him wrong and basically implying the Pope got his job because of him.
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  That's like yelling at your Uber driver that he only has his job because of you.
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  And if you don't know of the Trump pattern by now. Here it is.
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  He posts something insane. People react.
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  He says he didn't really look at it. He deletes it. Calls everyone fake news.
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  And then rinse repeat chaos shampoo his social media strategy feels less like
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  communication and more like a game of what did i accidentally declare myself
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  today king done it pope tried it,
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  jesus apparently just a misunderstood medical professional and look i'm no art
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  critic here but if your doctor portrait includes divine light ceremonial robes
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  and literal healing that's not not just like an episode of Grey's Anatomy,
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  that's wanting to be in the Vatican.
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  The real issue, well, I mean, it is a huge issue, isn't the post.
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  It's the explanation for the post.
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  Because saying, I thought it was me as a doctor, is a lot more concerning than,
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  yeah, I posted myself as Jesus.
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  Anyway, if your doctor starts glowing at guests, now you should probably leave.
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  And if your president does it, well, I guess we just tune into the Daily Sarcast
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  and see what happens next.
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  I mean, it's 2026, the content is very strong, the explanations are weak,
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  and the line between did that really just happen and reality is very much fully gone in Lindsay life.
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  So as you know, if you haven't known, and I'm sorry to repeat this for the 16th millionth time now,
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  I started a new job last week, and yesterday everyone somehow at work found
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  out, well, probably because I told them all, that I do stand-up.
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  So now I have to do little mini sets every time somebody comes up to me and
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  is like, oh my god, do you do stand-up?
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  Lindsay Lessons, a lesson by Linz. Some days you find yourself thinking that
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  you're so smart, while other days you think, well, maybe not so much.
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  And some days you think all of those thoughts and everything else in between.
• 7:57
  Cooking tip of the day. Leftovers sometimes taste better even the next day.
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  Especially when your parents make it.
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  Feedback, comments, questions, a nice Jewish boy looking for a date,
• 8:09
  email me at lindsay at thedailystarcast.com.
• 8:12
  Enjoy this disgustingly hot weather this week, and I will talk to you guys tomorrow.