Latest / Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour / Episode 3: When Small Changes Feel Like Big Threats. When Silence Hits

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Episode 3: When Small Changes Feel Like Big Threats. When Silence Hits · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is Kim Lee, Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: The series, Why Does It Feel Like It's Happening Again?
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Seems to be something which many of you are interested in, which leads me to believe that this is something which, as I said in the very first episode, is something of a universal phenomenon that happens internally but in the context of relationships.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Before I move into this first episode script, I want to talk a little about silence and the nature of silence.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I think uh the context here is one of not so much the silence itself, but the interpretation of what the silence says and how that resonates inside us.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Some silence is destructive, it's intended to be goodness knows what, but the effect is it's destructive.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: There are people who just go silent.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: No warning, no explanation, they just effectively disappear.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: And such people tend to do this on a repeated basis.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: It is a, I was gonna say a tactic, but I'm not sure that's quite the right word, but it's something that they do.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: They simply withdraw, no explanation, they just disappear.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: The damage that this does is considerable.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: And really, very often what will happen is people will try and get that person back.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: They will try and do everything in their power, and they go through a series of different forms of emotional chaos.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: And the person will never, even if they do come back, will never fully take responsibility for what they've done.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: They will maybe explain why they did what they did, but they'll never ever take responsibility because for whatever reason they just can't do that.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: But this is that that's one part of silence and the damage that it causes.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: But the kind of silence that I want to talk about what the individual experiences, or rather, the reaction to what what what what the individual silence has triggered, I think is really important because that's not about the other person, it's about us.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's about us as the individuals who are experiencing something that is resonating powerfully.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't take very much, not really.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: There's no argument, no clear rupture, nothing you could point to and say, that's the problem.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's just small things.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: A message that takes a little unusual, a reply that feels slightly different, something in the relational rhythm that isn't quite what it was.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: And at first, maybe you barely notice it, but then something inside you does, and once it does, it's very difficult to ignore.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: You check your phone again, you replay the last exchange, and then almost without realizing it, a question forms.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Why does this feel different?
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: And beneath that there's a quieter and more unsettling question.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: What does this mean?
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: In the last episode, we explored how the mind holds relational experience, not just as a memory, but as expectation.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: And today we move into the moment where that expectation has become activated.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because the trigger isn't always obvious.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, most of the time it's very small.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: One of the most striking things about emotional activation is how little it requires: a delay, a change in tone, a brief absence, change of facial expressions, just very small things.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: And yet, for some people, in those moments they carry weight, not because of what they are, but because of what they signal, or rather, what how we interpret the signal.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: And the signal isn't always conscious.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Two people can experience the same situation very differently.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: One might notice quietness or lack of response and thinks they must be busy.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Another notices the same delay and feels something has changed.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Something is wrong.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: The difference isn't the event, it's the meaning that's assigned to it.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: And meaning in these moments is really neutral.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Interestingly, it's not negative or not clear negative behavior that activates us most strongly.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's ambiguity, it's not knowing.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because when something is clearly wrong, the mind has something to work with.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: But when something is unclear, something else happens, and the mind begins to fill the gaps, and it does so using the most emotionally significant templates that it has.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: And this process can happen very quickly, so quickly, in fact, that it often feels like intuition, a sense of I just know something's wrong.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: But if we slow it down, we can see that what is actually happening is a small shift, uncertainty is created, and the mind moves to resolve that uncertainty.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: So therefore, meaning is assigned.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: And that meaning is almost always drawn from the past.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: And what's important here is that in reality, there are many possible explanations for a small change.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Someone may be busy, tired, distracting, distracted, or managing something else.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: But in the moment of activation, those possibilities collapse and one interpretation becomes dominant.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: This is about me.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's almost as if the blinkers go on.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: We're unable in those moments to take a wider angle of view.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: What happens instead is we can only see what is presented to us from the mind.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: And because those things arouse old feelings, echoes, we are unable to widen the frame.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I say we are unable in a later episode, I'll be explaining how to become able to widen the frame.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: I think the this is about me has a more specific nature.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Something is wrong.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: So why do small changes feel so significant?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Simply because they're not experienced this small.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: They are experienced as signals, signals that something important may be shifting, signals that connection may be changing.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And if in the past similar signals preceded withdrawal, inconsistency, emotional absence, then the system responds accordingly.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Not so much to the size of the change, but to its meaning.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Once that meaning is in place, something else begins.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: And that something is a narrative.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Not necessarily spoken out loud, but constructed internally.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Many years ago, R.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: D.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Lang wrote a book entitled Knots, and in it he was referring to what happens in relationships when people read a signal, misinterpret it, and then create a whole construct as a consequence.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so therefore we might think this person hasn't contacted me, or this person is looking at me in a particular kind of way.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm thinking about it in relationships or is behaving differently.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: We go through a process of well, they're only wrong.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I didn't do anything wrong.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: This is what they do.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: I knew they were going to be like this.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I'll show them.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Not a word has been spoken, but the knot starts to form.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's not necessarily spoken out loud, it's constructed internally.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: And with each thought, the feeling deepens because now you're no longer responding to the moment, you're responding to the story.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: And the story began a long time ago.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: At this point, something important begins to narrow.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's the capacity to step back and reflect, to hold multiple possibilities, to say, I don't know what this means.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, the mind moves towards certainty.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Not because it is, or the certainty is accurate, but because it's relieving.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Uncertainty is difficult to tolerate.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: So the mind replaces it with a conclusion, even if that conclusion is wildly inaccurate and painful, but at least you're not wondering anymore because you've decided what is happening.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: And alongside this, there's a shift in how you feel about yourself from settled, connected, and secure to uncertain, questioning, and exposed.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: And that shift can happen really quickly, sometimes within minutes, even though externally very little has actually changed.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now, in relationships, this is where the difficulties develop.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because if we respond to the interpretation rather than the reality, we may seek reassurance prematurely, change our tone, become more vigilant or withdraw slightly.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: And the other person then may sense that something has shifted without understanding why.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: And so the dynamic begins to change.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Not because something was wrong, but because something felt wrong.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: So, what helps in these moments?
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Well, not certainty, not immediate answers, but something very subtle.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: And that is the ability to pause before a meaning becomes fixed.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, recognize that something has shifted without immediately deciding what that shift means.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: To hold even briefly the notion of, okay, I just don't know.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Something feels different, but I don't know the whole story.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if there even is a story in the other person.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because in that space where meaning hasn't yet been decided, something important becomes possible.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: You remain connected to the present rather than being pulled back into the past or projecting into the future.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: What if?
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that's enough to change what happens next.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: I think what's happening, or what's important here, is we have to recognize that these reactions are automatic and they will be unique for each person.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody has their own history, and it's that history that informs and creates reactions.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm suggesting is it is important to have and to learn how to have a response.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: When we find ourselves fantasizing about the meaning of something, albeit small or what's happening inside us, the part of us that can look more objectively and in a more reasoned way becomes or can become unavailable.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: This is why we say stop.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: Just stop and think just for a moment.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: Stop and think.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Don't try and find answers.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself the question, what is happening in me, rather than why is this happening?
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because in that moment, the question why is it unimportant?
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: What's important is what?
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Naming.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm feeling insecure.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm fantasizing that something is wrong.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: The next step is I don't know.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: The whole picture.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need to assume.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: All I need to do is wait.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: And here's another thing you can do.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: This sounds like common sense.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: You can ask.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: You can ask the other person, is everything okay?
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: And just wait.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: Nine times out of ten, you will probably get the answer, yeah, I'm fine.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's a very, very odd thing, but it kind of highlights.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, when you when you say these things clearly, it's you know, it's common sense.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: But the part of us that is activated doesn't work on common sense, it works on uncommon sense.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: We get these misinterpretations and reactions every day for one reason or another, and learning to connect those to their origins can be very, very relieving because we then see that we have alternatives.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: In episode four, I'm going to produce something called the story you tell yourself in the silence.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: But I think what I want to try and do is to focus on a number of internal psychological features which are grounded in clinical psychotherapy understanding.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is relevant because in my work, so often the story that we tell ourselves and I see patients recalling are the things, the indicators of where we're stuck and and why.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: I will be back soon with episode four.