Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When Your Husband Doesn't Want Sex Because You May Be Hot But You're Also Quite Difficult

Transcript

When Your Husband Doesn't Want Sex Because You May Be Hot But You're Also Quite Difficult · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
0:07
Psych mom show today, we are going to be talking about when
0:11
men don't want to have sex with their wives for reasons.
0:14
Aside from the ones that I usually talk about which are low
0:19
testosterone depression. Being raised to think sex is bad
0:24
sexual abuse history or just not being attracted to the woman.
0:28
There's yet another one and it was in the headline, but I'll
0:32
get to that after I tell you. Subscribe, because the next one
0:36
coming up is about bingeing whether that's on food or
0:39
alcohol or any substance and how people use this as a coping
0:43
mechanism, and how you can stop and also, how you can even
0:47
recognize that you're doing it. Because so many people don't
0:49
even want to acknowledge what they're doing.
0:51
So anyway, that should be a good subscriber episode.
0:56
So subscribe, there's also like, I don't know, 60 or 70 others
1:00
now. So going back to this idea that
1:03
men are people, okay? I so sit down because your
1:07
husband is a person too and people have a link between their
1:13
emotions and their sex drive as women is so funny because like
1:17
women say this like constantly this is like a constant female
1:21
refrain is I can't have sex with you unless I feel close.
1:24
Well guess what men to our people and they have higher
1:28
levels of testosterone overall and so they can still usually
1:34
when they're younger. Especially have sex with a woman
1:36
that they're not getting along with, or that they feel hates
1:39
them or that they hate, they can have sex with a woman, under
1:43
most circumstances, particularly a new one, but then if you get
1:47
to the vicissitudes of monogamy, which hit women very hard, but
1:51
men are certainly not immune from the, the fall off of sexual
1:56
drive due to monogamy. I mean, in fact, like, it used
2:00
to before, like, I don't know, five ten maximum 10 years ago,
2:05
Used to be thought that men were the ones who are most responsive
2:09
to the bad effects of monogamy. And that's why men cheated, you
2:14
know, is because they wanted new women and only in recent, recent
2:18
years, has it been shown that our women are even more.
2:23
You know, sensitive to the effects of monogamy such that
2:26
there are sex drive goes completely away with in monogamy
2:29
frequently. And that's when responsive
2:31
desire, is the only form of Desire that they have.
2:35
Not versus spontaneous and you could refer back of course, to
2:37
my responsive desire podcast, but usually used to be thought
2:43
that men get tired of the same old woman.
2:45
Well, yeah, sure men are people and they don't get as tired
2:50
because remember they still have a lot more testosterone so they
2:53
still do want to have sex but certainly not at the click who
2:56
that they did in the early years of the relationship and if they
2:59
say they do, they're delusional or their self deluding
3:03
themselves that they are. Not aging and, you know, they're
3:06
in the best shape of their lives and that's why they still want
3:09
to fuck their wife three times a day.
3:10
But if you actually ask them to fuck their wife, three times a
3:13
day for more than a couple days in a row, you would see them get
3:16
bored too. So, and if you know, I don't
3:20
even if there's one man out there, there's like, oh no, I
3:23
fucked my wife three times a day.
3:25
We've been doing it for 30 years.
3:26
Congratulations. That's awesome.
3:28
But for the majority of human beings, there is a habituation
3:32
effect. And there is a lot of effect of
3:34
not to be Novel. So this is all to say that men
3:37
are not as dissimilar from women as as all that you know I mean
3:42
don't we share like 88 percent of our DNA with a banana or
3:45
something. So obviously men and women are
3:47
more similar than different and while men still do want to fuck,
3:51
you know, their wives. Usually, it's not with the same
3:55
excitement and Verve that it wasn't a honeymoon stage.
3:58
And it's also here's the key responsive to their emotions and
4:04
And this should not be a big shocking fact, but it has to be
4:09
explained because a lot of women think this is what I'm here to
4:13
clear up for the women, who think this.
4:14
That if the man's attracted to you, he's going to want to have
4:17
sex all the time. And, and if not, then maybe he's
4:22
got some kind of problem and that's even the ones who were
4:24
way thinking outside the box. That's like my loyal readers
4:28
because most women just think the first one.
4:30
If he doesn't want to have sex with me, he's not attracted to
4:32
me. Then the ones that have More
4:35
education on the matter are like war or, you know, maybe he has
4:39
low T, or maybe he's depressed, or maybe his family did not talk
4:43
about sex, very openly, you know, whatever the fuck, right?
4:47
But there's like another possibility one that I see
4:50
frequently, which is that the man is unhappy and if he's
4:54
really, you don't have to be unhappy enough to be clinically
4:57
depressed. Although there is somewhat of an
4:59
overlap, of course, if somebody's marriage is going
5:01
poorly, they're more likely to be depressed and vice versa.
5:04
But, but he could just be unhappy.
5:07
And here are the reasons that I see that men are unhappy.
5:11
I mean, I said this in my reasons that might get divorced
5:15
podcast a lot of these. But here are the main ones that
5:18
I see for why, men are so unhappy with in marriage that
5:21
they want. Do not want to have sex with a
5:23
woman that they especially when she is like asleep, still find
5:27
physically attractive. I say when she's asleep because
5:30
then she's not talking and she's not looking at him with
5:32
contempt, and she's not making some sort of Comment or she's
5:35
not telling him that he ruined her life or whatever.
5:38
So here's the one. So the first one is the one I
5:40
just said contempt, it's very hard to get hard for a woman who
5:45
is contemptuous right? And that makes sense.
5:49
But a lot of women really, really minimize the impact of a
5:56
cutting. Remark, it cuts, the erection
5:58
right off and it's so ironic right because I see this all the
6:02
time that women are criticized. Oh, fuck.
6:04
Out of the guy like the whole day and then I'll be like, oh
6:08
did you ask him if he could do something different in bed?
6:10
And they're like, oh no, I don't want to hurt his feelings.
6:13
It's they'll be like, I, my husband.
6:15
He hasn't brushed his teeth since 2002.
6:17
I criticize him about everything, from what he wears
6:20
to how he parents to, what he eats to what, he likes to watch
6:23
on television. But I really don't want to say
6:25
anything about his basic hygiene because it'll hurt his feeling.
6:28
It's like, I do not know why that's in its old category for
6:31
women, but it has to stop is crazy.
6:34
If there's One thing you should be giving feedback on is the
6:37
shit that is directly relevant to sex like directly.
6:41
Like you can't get near the man because you're that repulsed by
6:43
him. Please give him the feedback of
6:45
how to change all the rest of the shit, maybe be quiet and the
6:47
marriage will go better. But anyway, this isn't a side.
6:50
So the point here is if a woman is constantly making snide and
6:57
cutting remarks to the man, and I don't care.
7:00
I'm sure he, I'm sure he deserves all of this feedback.
7:03
Like, let's just say he does It's just say he's lazy and
7:07
selfish and whatever but if you still want to fuck him.
7:11
Right. Let's think about it.
7:13
Logically. There's a put, there's something
7:15
in you that's upset that he doesn't want to have sex till
7:17
you must not think he's entirely horrible.
7:20
So then possibly don't focus on all of the ways in which he
7:24
disappoints you constantly and you're going to have better luck
7:27
at potentially having enough sex with you, which he may want to
7:31
do anyway. So you know, he A still be
7:36
thinking about you, but it's just an earlier vision of you
7:39
when he is aroused. It's the vision of you but when
7:42
your boobs look different before kids, but when you were nicer.
7:45
So, being nice is a good way to check.
7:49
If it is, just in fact, this emotional component that is
7:52
making your husband. I want to have sex.
7:54
If you are nicer and then he does want to have sex while then
7:57
we just ran a very effective single case design experiment.
8:01
What's another one? Anxiety, crushing anxiety.
8:04
This Is behind a lot of divorces the few that men initiate.
8:07
I say the fee. I'm sure they initiate loads.
8:09
But I mean, the, the proportion, they initiate fewer than women
8:13
do, so anxiety. It's real hard to get turned on
8:18
by a woman who is in an anxious spiral and it's because the
8:23
anxiety. And I just spoke about this in
8:25
the anxiety podcast that I just did of people that don't admit
8:29
that they're anxious, which is a large proportion of the women
8:32
that are in the situation that are like, oh my God, why won't
8:34
my Have sex with me. Oh my God, the world's going to
8:37
end. Oh my God, the kid doesn't have
8:38
the right shirt. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God,
8:40
oh my god. Well these are the wrong kind of
8:42
oh my gods, you know, these are not the sexy ones in the throes
8:45
of passion. So if everything is a huge
8:48
fucking panic attack, literally then know your husband's not
8:54
going to view you as a woman that he wants to have sex with
8:57
why? Because he views you as barely
9:00
holding on to your sanity and he's like kind of terrified of
9:04
you. Because there's always a
9:06
tremendous problem. You could go into a panic at any
9:09
moment about anything and also men, you know, Imago Theory now
9:15
from listening to me and Imago Theory, indicates that somebody
9:19
found somebody like their caregiver and the fantasy is to
9:22
change the person. So I see this happen all the
9:24
time with men who marry anxious women, they are mothers were
9:27
anxious. And then in the beginning
9:30
stages, the woman was anxious enough for him to recognize it
9:33
with his spidey sense. She was letting him do all kinds
9:36
of cool things. And so he had this, you know,
9:38
whether it was sexual or whether it was travel or whether it was
9:41
talking about new ideas or whether it was just eating
9:45
different types of Cuisine, he really felt like, oh my God, his
9:49
subconscious was like jackpot, we found somebody who's anxious
9:52
like Mommy, but she loves me so much that she's letting me
9:55
change her to somebody more open-minded.
9:57
Well then come children. And you get even crazier than
10:00
his mother was and the anxiety is untreated and he is nobody
10:04
wants that. Sex with their mother.
10:05
I mean, that is where I deviate from Freud.
10:07
So, you know, then he no longer wants to have sex because a man
10:12
coupled with a very anxious woman.
10:13
Usually feels like she is trying to act like his mommy because
10:17
she's extremely anxious about the.
10:18
She's very kind of, she's very closed and insular, and anxiety
10:25
makes people instead of open-minded and ready to kind of
10:28
explore the world. They're very closed and cut off
10:32
and constricted at this is not sexually appealing.
10:35
The next thing of course, is related to that is the control.
10:39
This one even has talked about in the surrendered wife, the
10:42
book that I say, everybody should read.
10:43
Even if you don't like the title because you're not surrendering
10:46
to the man, you're surrendering to the fact that you can't be in
10:48
control of everything if that sounds even more upsetting than
10:52
surrendering to the man. This is exactly the book for
10:54
you. So the point being that control
10:58
and a woman being controlling, this is the real boner killer
11:02
because it's this really. Do you do?
11:05
Have to do any fancy subconscious imaginations.
11:07
This directly seems like your mommy, your mommy is telling you
11:10
what to do, unless you're one of the guys who gets off on that,
11:13
you're not going to get off on that.
11:15
So the control issue, when a man feels controlled and micromanage
11:19
and infantilized this, the sex usually goes away and is this is
11:27
this all the time can summon persevere and have sex with the
11:30
women. Sure.
11:31
Especially when these traits only Come out sometimes and
11:36
they're not all the time but when men feel like these are all
11:41
the time and I coming home is coming into an atmosphere of
11:44
crazy. Where the woman dislikes them
11:47
looks down on them. It constantly gives them -
11:51
monologues about all the bad things that are going to happen.
11:54
And on top of it doesn't barely let them move in One Direction
11:57
or the other without micro managing them.
11:59
Well, usually, there's not a lot of sex and if you look at it,
12:02
the other way is bi-directional Because if you keep up the sex
12:07
life and you keep up the the, the Romantic emotional
12:13
closeness, many women do not deviate this far off track.
12:17
It's really true, you know, because an unhappy marriage
12:20
makes everybody their worst self and all of their underlying
12:24
psychologically dysfunctional. Shit comes out in Spades.
12:29
So it's very bidirectional because many women will say they
12:33
won't agree maybe with a full characterization but they'll say
12:36
all right so maybe I could be difficult.
12:38
Maybe I could be anxious but you know if you were trying to like
12:42
swoop in here and be romantic if you were trying to be empathic
12:46
and then of course we started with the chores.
12:48
If you were doing half the chores, which many men time, as
12:50
I've said, and Ad nauseam, most men I see do have to chores, but
12:55
either way more than half the chores, all the chores, you
12:58
know, then I wouldn't be so unhappy, and of course, nothing
13:01
is One Direction. Of course, this is sick.
13:03
Love bi-directional thing. So that's accurate, but but what
13:07
we're trying to do here and what I say but that's accurate is.
13:10
Yes, if the man was a perfect man, then and he was staying in
13:14
his honeymoon type of stage self, and he was mr.
13:18
Wonderful. Then it would be less likely
13:19
that she would be so, upset all the time.
13:22
Yes, also she herself has tendencies in these directions,
13:27
which ever ones are applicable to your individual situation.
13:31
And so, if you are Tendencies to be anxious, I don't come from
13:35
your husband, your attend cease to be anxious come from a
13:38
genetic history of anxiety, and being raised by the parents that
13:40
raised you who are anxious. So, no husband makes a wife
13:43
anxious. That's not true.
13:46
You don't get an anxiety, don't get generalized anxiety from
13:48
being partnered with a selfish guy.
13:51
I mean, this just doesn't happen, but you can, you can try
13:56
to tell yourself that because you start to think.
13:59
Why is it that? I am so different now.
14:02
Oh it must be because of him but then you It isn't.
14:06
I mean, it is because he is the person you're monogamously
14:08
partner to and he may have his own issues.
14:10
But in reality, it honeymoon, stage faded.
14:13
There was a bunch of stressors involving probably having kids
14:16
and your natural tendencies. Came out as same thing with
14:19
being controlling, etc, etc, things are very bi-directional.
14:23
There is no person that causes another person's personality
14:28
Ivan. You can amplify aspect of it,
14:30
but no personality of a spouse is wholly, created by the other.
14:34
Person, he is not or she is not God, nobody can create a
14:38
personality and you that is your inherent tendency.
14:42
It can be exacerbated or it can be minimized by the actions of
14:46
the spouse but did the spouse cannot created out of whole
14:48
cloth and this needs to be more widely understood because then I
14:54
wouldn't have so many people write in or come in and say
14:58
basically everything is my spouse's fault because it's
15:01
never all your spouse is full but getting back to the issue at
15:04
hand. If you feel like this is
15:07
relevant to you and that the sex has gone away, you've had your
15:11
husband tested his testosterone, or maybe he refuses, but he
15:14
seems. All right.
15:16
He seems like he's fairly active.
15:18
He's at least active. When it doesn't come to the shit
15:20
that you want him to do, he doesn't seem classically
15:23
depressed. He's you know you may even know
15:27
that he's masturbating a lot to spite me saying that nobody
15:29
should be masturbating in a sex life, that's not good.
15:32
He still may be which gives you a clue that he still does.
15:34
Have a sex drive, you may even see him look at you, but he's
15:38
so, you know, like with desire but yet, he does not initiate
15:43
sex ever and nor does he seem to want it?
15:46
And when you say to him, that this is the worst thing and that
15:49
on top of everything, and being a schlub, and a disappointment.
15:52
And every other Arena, he doesn't initiate sex either.
15:55
Well, I mean, you know, that's maybe why it may.
16:01
It may be the delivery. So think about this.
16:04
And if It applies to your situation, you know?
16:07
And this of course, isn't every woman and every man and I've
16:11
given you, we started with a million other reasons that the
16:14
dude could not be having sex with you.
16:16
But if you've gone through those, you know, and and the
16:20
relationship sounds like the one that I'm describing now then
16:24
perhaps it's time to say oh maybe it is.
16:28
The dynamic and the dynamic is emasculating.
16:31
This is real real thing, you know.
16:32
And and or we don't even have to say a massive Escalating, if
16:35
that does not appeal to people, because it says masculine and it
16:38
or what have you, it can just be a really, really de sexualizing
16:45
for somebody of any gender to be repeatedly, you know, braided is
16:51
a strong term, but either just, just not really treated nicely
16:56
by the other person. Not that the oven that the
16:59
husband's a perfect person and I'm sure he's Snipes back but
17:03
still, we're trying to The end 11 construct of the construct
17:08
is, is there a link between how our relationship is doing?
17:11
And the fact that my husband doesn't want sex?
17:13
Yeah, yeah, of course. Of course.
17:16
There is, of course, there is. His dick does not.
17:18
It's not like a whole foreign entity, it is related to the
17:22
rest of him. You know, if his brain is
17:24
unhappy then you know it's not like he's feeling very sexual
17:29
so, think about it, think about whether it's relevant, and this
17:32
is exactly the sort of reason that people come Um, into
17:35
couples counseling because and, oh, and then of course, very
17:38
smart question would be, is this, fixable?
17:43
Yeah, it's fixable not a lot of things are completely not.
17:46
Fixable is your husband at in the dynamic that I described, is
17:51
it ever going to get to some sort of romance novel complete
17:56
transformation where he is, this alpha male that rides in on a
17:59
horse and you are like this you know woman who was swept off
18:03
your feet and then you have a major Exact somehow.
18:05
The children are deaf in the other room.
18:08
No, maybe not. But certainly, like if a man is
18:12
happier, he is going to be more sexual, probably.
18:15
Unless of course, there is a larger main effect from the
18:17
other variables that I described such as low testosterone,
18:21
depression, sexual abuse, history, learning that sex is
18:23
bad in your family of origin, Etc.
18:27
Okay? So that is the overall summary
18:30
and it's amazing how many people don't really think this and how
18:33
many women think that their it was bullshitting them when he
18:36
says, maybe if I was happier, we would have more sex and it's
18:38
true because when couples get happier, they frequently have
18:42
more sex. And so the sex drive actually
18:46
goes up when the man is feeling more dopamine and serotonin and
18:50
what have you, you know, the serotonin hypothesis was just
18:53
debunked, but there's various issues on both sides of that.
18:57
That's a real tangent and and so this podcast is more to say.
19:03
Yes, men are people. Yes, their sex drive responds to
19:07
how they think things are going. Yes, if you hurt their feelings,
19:10
they don't want to have sex. These things should not have to
19:13
be said, but in this culture, where men are expected to just
19:17
run around with a hard-on for everything, this is not reality
19:20
and it's certainly not reality within a long-term relationship
19:23
over time. All right, hope you got
19:25
something out of this, please do subscribe and I'll talk to you
19:27
all soon.