Latest / Alive, I Guess Podcast / Episode 48 - Therapy Be Happenin

Transcript

Episode 48 - Therapy Be Happenin · Alive, I Guess Podcast

0:16
SPEAKER_00: What's good, Billy?
0:18
SPEAKER_01: Welcome to your safe space.
0:20
SPEAKER_01: I'm your host, RJ, and this is the Alive I Guess Podcast.
0:24
SPEAKER_01: If you're new here, welcome.
0:26
SPEAKER_01: I appreciate you for joining.
0:28
SPEAKER_01: And if you've been here, welcome back.
0:31
SPEAKER_01: I appreciate you as always.
0:34
SPEAKER_01: Please make sure you are following us on social media at Alive I Guess Podcast.
0:41
SPEAKER_01: If you have any inquiries, email us at alive Iguest Podcast at gmail.com.
0:47
SPEAKER_01: And for all I say this with love submissions, visit tinyurl.com slash AIGP advice.
0:55
SPEAKER_01: Today we are going to be talking about therapy.
1:00
SPEAKER_01: If you have made it to this point in the journey and you've watched all the 40 something episodes before this, you know one thing I'm gonna do is talk about some therapy.
1:11
SPEAKER_01: So today we are going to focus solely on therapy and therapy alone and the ways in which it has impacted me, how great I think it is, and how beneficial I know it can be.
1:24
SPEAKER_01: I even put on this therapy ass shirt slash sweater just for the cause, because we really gonna get into it.
1:32
SPEAKER_01: But before we do that, you already know we gotta do a moment of gratitude.
1:37
SPEAKER_01: So if you're listening today, say something out loud that you are grateful for.
1:41
SPEAKER_01: And if you are watching, drop something below in the comments.
1:44
SPEAKER_01: Today I am grateful for learning who I am outside of what I do or what I can do for others.
1:53
SPEAKER_01: Last episode, I touched on how much of my identity was wrapped up in being the golden child and everything I could do in my accomplishments.
2:03
SPEAKER_01: And it was so ingrained in who I was for 30-something years.
2:08
SPEAKER_01: Today, I am not that person anymore.
2:11
SPEAKER_01: I know who I am outside of any accomplishments or any sort of relationship to anyone else.
2:17
SPEAKER_01: And that was one of the largest hurdles I had to overcome in my life, and I am grateful to be on the other side of that.
2:24
SPEAKER_01: And guess what?
2:25
SPEAKER_01: I couldn't do all that without therapy.
2:28
SPEAKER_01: So let's get into it.
2:30
SPEAKER_01: Because therapy be happening.
2:32
SPEAKER_01: So, as y'all know, I have been in therapy for many, many years.
2:39
SPEAKER_01: I have had a few therapists, I've had psychologists, I've had a couple psychiatrists, I've been in different modalities of therapy, I've been in group therapy, I've been in therapy in so many different ways.
2:54
SPEAKER_01: As it stands, I currently do not have a therapist.
2:58
SPEAKER_01: And that is because I do have a therapist, but for one reason or another, I can't see her right now.
3:06
SPEAKER_01: And it is purely logistics, it is purely financial, and it is in the works of being resolved.
3:13
SPEAKER_01: And once it's resolved, my ass will be back in therapy.
3:17
SPEAKER_01: But I am so pro-therapy.
3:22
SPEAKER_01: It is really a game changer, a lifesaver.
3:25
SPEAKER_01: It can bring so much clarity to so many different things that you might be going through.
3:31
SPEAKER_01: And I will always be in support of anyone starting therapy because there is this misconception of being able to finish therapy or not needing therapy or overcoming whatever you went through.
3:45
SPEAKER_01: And so therapy like isn't for you.
3:48
SPEAKER_01: Like, I want people to understand what is possible when you find the right fit of a therapist.
3:56
SPEAKER_01: So that is what we are going to touch on in today's conversation.
4:01
SPEAKER_01: So, what is therapy?
4:04
SPEAKER_01: Now, therapy isn't just sitting there talking and someone just sitting there looking at you back like, uh-huh, uh-huh, and not giving you any sort of critiques.
4:14
SPEAKER_01: Like to me, therapy is a way of expressing things that you have going on, uncovering unconscious things or working through different traumas or childhood traumas, um, situations that you've experienced with a licensed, credentialed, professional therapist who can bring knowledge and understanding and support so that you can work through these things and provide the container to where you don't get too emotional or um not emotional, but distressed when you're expressing certain topics and can help you work through and draw connections to certain things so that you can hopefully heal through them or at least start the healing process in them.
5:08
SPEAKER_01: The good therapists draw the connections.
5:10
SPEAKER_01: They're asking the questions you've never asked yourself or had anybody else ask you that make you think and bring an understanding to maybe why you think certain things or why you behave certain ways, and they recognize patterns and they call you out on your patterns so that you can continue to do the work to correct these things instead of just letting you go with the past.
5:34
SPEAKER_01: But they're also not like shaming you for being a human and for making mistakes or maybe going back to old beliefs, like they're really here to support you in whatever way that works best for you.
5:48
SPEAKER_01: And depending on what you're going through, there are different types of therapy that you can attend or experience.
5:56
SPEAKER_01: Now, me, I've had a plethora.
6:00
SPEAKER_01: Um, I've had EMDR, I've had CBT, I've had DBT.
6:06
SPEAKER_01: Now, to someone who this is their first time hearing it, it sounds like a bunch of craziness.
6:12
SPEAKER_01: But what each of those things are, I'm gonna tell you what they are and kind of what they do.
6:17
SPEAKER_01: EMDR, CBT, and DBT are widely used evidence-based psychotherapy approaches for mental health treatment, particularly for trauma, stress, and emotional regulation.
6:31
SPEAKER_01: EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing.
6:38
SPEAKER_01: It is a structured therapy that helps the brain reprocess stuck traumatic memories using bilateral stimulation, such as guided eye movements, taps, or sounds to reduce their emotional charge.
6:55
SPEAKER_01: So this one is for traumatic processing and it helps you rewire your brain so that you can work through traumas.
7:03
SPEAKER_01: And literally, like you can either do it by moving your eyes side to side, and all of this is guided.
7:09
SPEAKER_01: Like you're not just doing this by yourself, like it's a very curated, protected, intentional space that you do with your therapist.
7:17
SPEAKER_01: And you're either moving your eyes side by side, you're tapping your hands on your legs, or you're like seeing tapping or like buzzing, I think you can hold.
7:26
SPEAKER_01: I've done all the different ways, and it's such a crazy thing.
7:31
SPEAKER_01: Like, it's hard to explain what it's like when you're in it, but it really like can walk you through a scenario and you come out the other side having this whole new way of processing that scenario.
7:46
SPEAKER_01: Like, but obviously, if you're literally walking through traumatic experiences, you're gonna need to be really careful and intentional with this process.
7:56
SPEAKER_01: So there are therapists who specialize in this because there's a lot of research and education that goes into it.
8:04
SPEAKER_01: So don't just be out here tapping and trying to move through trauma, like you really need to be with a specialized therapist to do this.
8:11
SPEAKER_01: CPT stands for cognitive processing therapy.
8:16
SPEAKER_01: It is a specific type of cognitive behavioral therapy designed for post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, that helps individuals identify and challenge unhelpful stuck points or beliefs about trauma, safety, trust, and power.
8:35
SPEAKER_01: So, this is for helping identify those like unconscious thoughts that you have that are rooted from like a trauma.
8:42
SPEAKER_01: So those negative things you tell yourself that you don't know where it came from, but when you do the work, you discover it came from like being a kid and the things you experience as a child.
8:52
SPEAKER_01: This is kind of what CPT helps you identify and work through and change the ways in which you look at yourself so that your automatic response isn't something negative and the thing you've been telling yourself for years.
9:05
SPEAKER_01: It identifies this thing that you've been telling yourself and through CPT changes it so that eventually that automatic response is something positive or something that is like, you know what, I might not be perfect, but I'm trying, or like I'm great in these other ways.
9:23
SPEAKER_01: Like, however, works best in your way.
9:26
SPEAKER_01: That is also something that usually a lot of therapists specialize in, but it is a specialty therapy.
9:34
SPEAKER_01: CBT stands for dialectical behavior therapy.
9:38
SPEAKER_01: It is a form of CBT that blends acceptance and behavioral changes, focusing on four main skill areas: mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness.
9:54
SPEAKER_01: So, this is where you build those skills.
9:56
SPEAKER_01: This is where you build that toolbox.
9:59
SPEAKER_01: This is where you learn how to calm yourself down when you're worked up.
10:03
SPEAKER_01: This is where you learn different things like, I don't know, identifying senses when you feel your anxiety rising, or opposite action when you don't want to do something and everything feels like such a daunting task.
10:18
SPEAKER_01: You do the opposite of what you feel to ultimately build some momentum.
10:23
SPEAKER_01: This is where you build the tools to help you do the work.
10:26
SPEAKER_01: And for those larger things, you go to EMDR because that takes more than just a skill.
10:31
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes you just need your shit rewired and restructured up there.
10:35
SPEAKER_01: I have done all of these things many, many times.
10:39
SPEAKER_01: I am pro all of them.
10:41
SPEAKER_01: I still use all of them or the things that I've learned in all of them today.
10:46
SPEAKER_01: I've also done group therapy.
10:48
SPEAKER_01: Group therapy, you don't have to be aware of anything.
10:52
SPEAKER_01: All you have to do is be mindful when you're in group therapy.
10:55
SPEAKER_01: Like if you're going through something or you've been through something traumatic, not going into detail, but like maybe naming it and then talking about how it affected you.
11:05
SPEAKER_01: But other than that, like it's really like talking to people who can relate or at least have similar stories in other areas and your impact is similar so that you feel alone or you don't feel alone and maybe even gain tips from other people.
11:23
SPEAKER_01: Um, the point of group therapy isn't to like give advice, but to really be heard and to like call out things when you're like, you know, this was really helpful to hear from you, or just hear the different ways that other people can resonate with what you're going through.
11:41
SPEAKER_01: And I feel that is like a good piece to have in all of this because all these other areas are solo modes of therapy.
11:51
SPEAKER_01: But when you're in a space full of common or people who have things in common with you, going through similar situations who can understand the feelings that you're going through, I think that helps with that piece of not feeling like nobody understands you and that you are doing it alone.
12:08
SPEAKER_01: And there are many other different specialties and areas in therapy and different things you can do in therapy.
12:16
SPEAKER_01: There's like different things with somatics or maybe more like physical, like there's so much.
12:22
SPEAKER_01: The list goes on and on and on.
12:24
SPEAKER_01: These are just four ones that I have had experience with.
12:28
SPEAKER_01: And honestly, when you're starting your therapy journey, it's not your job to know which one works best for you as you uncover more about your history, more about who you are as a person.
12:40
SPEAKER_01: It's your therapist's job to kind of guide you and point you in the right direction if that is something that you want to do.
12:48
SPEAKER_01: Not everybody wants to do EMDR, not everybody wants to dive into traumas that deeply.
12:55
SPEAKER_01: Is it impactful?
12:56
SPEAKER_01: Yes, but not everyone's ready for that.
12:58
SPEAKER_01: So they can't make you do that.
13:00
SPEAKER_01: They can only suggest based on what they see and what they understand would be helpful for you in your specific situation.
13:07
SPEAKER_01: Me, I'm for all of them.
13:09
SPEAKER_01: That's why my ass went over to that ketamine therapy and did that.
13:14
SPEAKER_01: Because if it's going to help me, because there is a lot that goes on in here, like I am all for it as long as it's not doing more harm than good.
13:25
SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm okay with a little discomfort.
13:27
SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm good with not being okay after the first session because I know it's a work in progress.
13:34
SPEAKER_01: The most important part of therapy, in my opinion, is having a good therapist.
13:41
SPEAKER_01: I've had great, amazing therapists.
13:44
SPEAKER_01: I've had terrible therapists.
13:47
SPEAKER_01: My first therapist happened after a situation at work, my life was threatened.
13:52
SPEAKER_01: It really set off a lot inside me.
13:54
SPEAKER_01: So I went through my job who had therapy services to an outside source, and I found this woman.
14:01
SPEAKER_01: This is before I knew about the fact that it could be good therapists and bad therapists.
14:06
SPEAKER_01: So I just picked a woman who had availability.
14:10
SPEAKER_01: And this turned into us sitting in the session, and I'm just bringing up all these pain points and traumas and things that I've been through.
14:20
SPEAKER_01: And she's just asking like a few clarifying questions, but mainly it's me talking.
14:26
SPEAKER_01: And then all of a sudden, 50 minutes is up, and she's like, Oh, okay, well, I'll see you next week.
14:32
SPEAKER_01: And I wound up at the end of the session feeling worse than I did at the beginning of the session.
14:38
SPEAKER_01: And this is at the time where I was still drinking.
14:41
SPEAKER_01: So lo and behold, the place where the therapy was, right across from it, was a Bevmo.
14:48
SPEAKER_01: So every time after my therapy sessions, I went across the street to that Bevmo and I got me a bottle because I was in such distress because this woman did not create a safe container to bring my distress back down appropriately, that I regulated in the only way I could.
15:08
SPEAKER_01: That's why it's important to have a great therapist.
15:11
SPEAKER_01: Because a great therapist creates the environment to open you up in a safe manner.
15:18
SPEAKER_01: They won't let you get too distressed, but they will work through things in a safe way.
15:24
SPEAKER_01: And then they will close the space back up because it's important.
15:28
SPEAKER_01: You can't just open someone up and send them out into the world.
15:31
SPEAKER_01: Like, no, girl, you gotta bring it back down.
15:35
SPEAKER_01: And that is exactly who I found in my therapist that I had for five years.
15:41
SPEAKER_01: This is the same woman who was helping me with my drinking and getting me sober and putting me in groups.
15:50
SPEAKER_01: She was very resourceful.
15:52
SPEAKER_01: She didn't stop if she didn't have that specific resource.
15:55
SPEAKER_01: She was outsourcing to find information.
15:58
SPEAKER_01: She never just stopped at her limitations.
16:02
SPEAKER_01: She always went above and beyond to make sure I had what I needed.
16:07
SPEAKER_01: If I went out of work, it's because she had a hand in it.
16:10
SPEAKER_01: If I went to outpatient resources, it's because she's like, I'm seeing this, and I really think this is going to help you.
16:17
SPEAKER_01: I don't want anything to happen to you.
16:19
SPEAKER_01: And she would make sure I get that.
16:22
SPEAKER_01: She didn't force anything on me.
16:24
SPEAKER_01: She didn't tell me like she's given up if maybe I backtracked and did some old things and showed some old patterns, you know, because we're not perfect.
16:35
SPEAKER_01: Like she cared and she got to know me for who I was outside of these traumas.
16:42
SPEAKER_01: She connected the dots, identified the patterns, like all the great things that I was saying a great therapist does.
16:49
SPEAKER_01: And that's why I stayed with her for five years.
16:51
SPEAKER_01: I'd honestly still be with her if I didn't switch insurances, but I did, and with it, I lost her.
16:58
SPEAKER_01: And so after that, I found my latest therapist who, you know, that's just money purely, because insurance ain't paying for that.
17:08
SPEAKER_01: And, you know, that's gonna take a little change.
17:11
SPEAKER_01: But get in that emotion, and that's gonna happen sooner than later.
17:16
SPEAKER_01: But my first therapist that I stayed with for five years, like, she really changed and saved my life, and she provided me the space to allow me to grow so that I could change my own life and understand who I am and the unconscious things I'm telling myself and the negative thoughts that I'm having about myself and how it's playing out.
17:41
SPEAKER_01: And where is this coming from?
17:42
SPEAKER_01: And do you think this is really true?
17:45
SPEAKER_01: Well, no.
17:45
SPEAKER_01: So, how do we fix it?
17:47
SPEAKER_01: There was so much under this rug of mine I didn't even know was there, that we did so much work on.
17:56
SPEAKER_01: There were things I didn't even know were traumas that we had to work on.
18:02
SPEAKER_01: And she never made me feel like I had to hurry up and do it.
18:06
SPEAKER_01: She was always mindful of what I was going through and my capacity.
18:11
SPEAKER_01: And if I was in a space of like high distress, she was checking in.
18:16
SPEAKER_01: She wasn't making us go through heavy stuff in those times.
18:20
SPEAKER_01: Like she was supporting me.
18:21
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it would be just about, like our sessions would be just about like what's happened in the past week.
18:26
SPEAKER_01: Because sometimes that week be a fucking lot.
18:28
SPEAKER_01: And we just need to uncover and unpack what's been happening lately.
18:32
SPEAKER_01: And then when I have more capacity, we get back to these bigger topics.
18:35
SPEAKER_01: We continue doing the work on other things.
18:38
SPEAKER_01: Now, crazy thing is, this was an older Jewish white lady.
18:44
SPEAKER_01: Older Jewish white lady who was very understanding of the climate in our world and like had sense and understood her privilege.
18:55
SPEAKER_01: There was one session during 2020, 2021, like that time where there was a lot of Black Lives Matter stuff going on and it's coming to the forefront.
19:06
SPEAKER_01: Not that we haven't always been in the news or being, you know, killed by people, especially police, um, where she understood like I am a white Jewish woman and you are black and gay.
19:22
SPEAKER_01: And I know I can't relate completely with you in certain areas.
19:29
SPEAKER_01: I want to make sure you feel supported during this time.
19:33
SPEAKER_01: And so if you want to find another therapist to kind of like co-therapy with me, like you see them, then you see me, like we can do that.
19:41
SPEAKER_01: But I just want to make sure you have what you need.
19:43
SPEAKER_01: Like she's the one who said that.
19:45
SPEAKER_01: And that's really important when you are sitting here for hours throughout the month sharing your deepest events and traumas and situations with the person.
20:00
SPEAKER_01: Like you're really like pouring yourself out there.
20:03
SPEAKER_01: Like that awareness, that interpersonal connection to making sure like you as a person are good is so important.
20:11
SPEAKER_01: Even if she couldn't relate to being black or queer or my age at this time, or going through certain things with drinking, or my dad, or whatever I was experiencing, she still saw me for me and was still able to hold space for me and help me move through processing in various areas in the ways that I could withstand them.
20:33
SPEAKER_01: And that's what good therapy does.
20:35
SPEAKER_01: That's what a good therapist does.
20:37
SPEAKER_01: They don't try and push something on you, they call you out on your shit when you know you should be doing things differently.
20:44
SPEAKER_01: And they don't just let you fail and they don't just collect a check like they actually care.
20:50
SPEAKER_01: When I got my DUI, there was a few people that I called.
20:56
SPEAKER_01: One of the first people was her.
20:58
SPEAKER_01: One, she was heavily involved in me getting sober, but two, she was the one who saw it coming, honestly.
21:10
SPEAKER_01: And I felt like I let her down, but also I felt like I needed her.
21:15
SPEAKER_01: And when I told her, she was sad.
21:20
SPEAKER_01: I think she was holding back from like showing too much emotion to keep that professionalism.
21:25
SPEAKER_01: But she's like, you know what?
21:27
SPEAKER_01: This is day one, and let's get you the resources you need.
21:30
SPEAKER_01: Immediately sprung into action, getting me what I needed.
21:34
SPEAKER_01: And by the end of the day, I was hiding up for classes, I was going off of work, I was doing everything that I needed to get back into resolving this because now we're in a crisis, and she didn't wait when it came to a crisis.
21:49
SPEAKER_01: So she sprang right into action, right out the gate.
21:53
SPEAKER_01: And that's what she did when we first met.
21:55
SPEAKER_01: I shared this on my sobriety episode, but how I met her, I Yeah, I was going through things.
22:02
SPEAKER_01: Um, I'll keep it brief.
22:04
SPEAKER_01: I was going through things back in 2018 into 2018.
22:08
SPEAKER_01: I went to get help from a psychologist because I'm like, hey, I need help with this.
22:12
SPEAKER_01: They shuffled me over.
22:14
SPEAKER_01: I wound up in a chemical dependency program, um, department, not a program yet.
22:19
SPEAKER_01: I'm talking to these two women and they're asking me these intake questions and they're being really insensitive about it.
22:25
SPEAKER_01: And this one lady's like, if you drink, you will die.
22:28
SPEAKER_01: Well, girl, I don't want to hear that shit.
22:30
SPEAKER_01: And it was very apparent I was gonna get up and leave, and y'all weren't gonna see me again.
22:34
SPEAKER_01: And she came in so warm, so curious, and so patient, and was like, hey, I'm such and such.
22:43
SPEAKER_01: I am the person who works at this facility and I do this.
22:48
SPEAKER_01: And we want to get you the help we need.
22:50
SPEAKER_01: I have this book that has a lot of skills and things that can help you.
22:55
SPEAKER_01: And I really want you to just take a look at this book a couple pages, and she's like, but I need you to bring it back to me tomorrow.
23:04
SPEAKER_01: And I knew I wasn't finna read the book, and she probably knew I wasn't finna read the book, but that was her way of showing that like her hand is extended and she wants to help, and she knows like you can't talk to me like that, and she has to come in gently.
23:24
SPEAKER_01: This is a very vulnerable time, and she did, and just the way she showed up from the beginning made me trust her and lean into her, and she knows me better than many people, she knows things there are some people who don't know.
23:38
SPEAKER_01: I think my wife knows everything at this point, but like she knows everything I've been through, and we really built a relationship over the next half decade, and so when it came to separating, oh, oh, that was hard.
23:58
SPEAKER_01: Oh, that was hard.
24:00
SPEAKER_01: I cried on the phone.
24:02
SPEAKER_01: We had a close-out session, you know, because we need to close out when you're ending the relationship.
24:09
SPEAKER_01: And she tried not to, but she teared up, you know.
24:12
SPEAKER_01: I know she wanted to cry more, but it really felt like an amical breakup.
24:19
SPEAKER_01: You know, like it was just like I couldn't stop thanking her for all that she's done.
24:24
SPEAKER_01: I still occasionally like just give her life updates about what's going on, but it was really difficult because like this is a person who I built so much on and I owe so much to for what she's taught me.
24:38
SPEAKER_01: And if I didn't say that I was talking about a therapist before saying all these things, like you would have thought this was like a relationship or like a sister or like somebody who's not in a professional setting.
24:51
SPEAKER_01: But that is what a good therapist is supposed to do.
24:55
SPEAKER_01: They're supposed to show up for you in this way.
24:57
SPEAKER_01: And if they can't, then no, if they're not mindful of how they speak and interact with you, no.
25:05
SPEAKER_01: There was another situation.
25:07
SPEAKER_01: Um, a year or so ago, my wife and I decided we're gonna try again for couples counseling just to get proactive before shit gets crazy.
25:15
SPEAKER_01: Not that anything was going on.
25:18
SPEAKER_01: Um, and we had two sessions with this woman.
25:21
SPEAKER_01: Bless her heart, meant well, but I don't fuck around when it comes to stuff like that.
25:26
SPEAKER_01: And she said something, and it was harmless, but what it did was cause a problem.
25:32
SPEAKER_01: It was at the end of the session, and she just kind of like mic dropped it, you know, and it caused a bigger issue.
25:38
SPEAKER_01: I was like, damn, you don't just drop shit at the end of that and leave.
25:43
SPEAKER_01: Like, I know what a good therapist looks like.
25:46
SPEAKER_01: So we broke up with her right then and there.
25:48
SPEAKER_01: Sent the email, severed the tie.
25:50
SPEAKER_01: Cause like I know what it means to have people that care.
25:53
SPEAKER_01: And granted, we were still very, very early on in developing the relationship.
25:59
SPEAKER_01: But first impression, I a mistake that was costly.
26:04
SPEAKER_01: I gotta go, babe.
26:05
SPEAKER_01: And like she was cool, but you know, just wasn't for us.
26:10
SPEAKER_01: Because what I'm used to and what my wife is used to, my wife's therapist is equally as amazing.
26:15
SPEAKER_01: I think she's been with her for shit longer than I was with my therapist.
26:21
SPEAKER_01: Like, I we know what it means to have good therapy and good therapists.
26:29
SPEAKER_01: You know, they both gave us these healed versions of ourselves or further in a healing journey versions of ourselves.
26:39
SPEAKER_01: All this, I'm able to talk about and discuss and this knowledge that I have.
26:46
SPEAKER_01: Some of it came from life, but a lot of it came from therapy.
26:50
SPEAKER_01: If I didn't go to therapy, I wouldn't be in a space to understand these things about myself.
26:55
SPEAKER_01: So it all is kind of rooted in therapy, like drawing the connections to childhood things and having the awareness that like I went through these things and being able to talk about it without feeling guilty or shutting down or bursting into tears.
27:09
SPEAKER_01: That is therapy.
27:11
SPEAKER_01: That's not just something I got off the bat because I could have gone in the opposite direction and just been hardened and detached from my emotions.
27:19
SPEAKER_01: Neither are good.
27:21
SPEAKER_01: Like they have in therapy something called the rational and emotional brain.
27:27
SPEAKER_01: And in the middle, that is where you want to be.
27:30
SPEAKER_01: Like, that is the perfect blend.
27:31
SPEAKER_01: You don't want to be too rational, you don't want to be too shut off, but you don't want to be too emotional either.
27:37
SPEAKER_01: And at one point I was all the way emotional and I went all the way rational, all the way.
27:43
SPEAKER_01: But now I am right in the middle, in that balance, you know?
27:48
SPEAKER_01: And I understand the importance of dialectical, the belief that or holding the fact that two seemingly opposite things can be true.
28:01
SPEAKER_01: Like you can experience and believe multiple truths at the same time.
28:05
SPEAKER_01: Because I was so like, no, it has to be this way, or it can't be this thing.
28:09
SPEAKER_01: Like, that also helps me in my processing because it's like, yeah, I could want to do something, but also don't want to be involved in this process right now.
28:19
SPEAKER_01: You know, like there's multiple ways that we could hold things.
28:23
SPEAKER_01: That was another important thing that I learned through therapy.
28:26
SPEAKER_01: Like, all the skills and knowledge and shit that I've talked about on all these episodes, that is purely from therapy down to the sobriety.
28:38
SPEAKER_01: So now we're going to talk about some things that have to do with what you need to be aware of when you're looking for a good therapist and like good modes of therapy.
28:50
SPEAKER_01: I would say cultural competency is very important.
28:55
SPEAKER_01: If someone cannot relate in any way, how are they going to guide you?
29:00
SPEAKER_01: It's only going to be a very surface-level amount of relating they can do to you.
29:05
SPEAKER_01: And you need something that penetrates deeper and really gets into your root.
29:09
SPEAKER_01: If you do not feel like you can relate to this person at all in any way, you're not going to feel comfortable opening up to them.
29:17
SPEAKER_01: If they can't understand how you fit in an environment, if you are a different race or a different sexual orientation or a different gender or anything.
29:27
SPEAKER_01: And I am all three, good Lord, across the board.
29:30
SPEAKER_01: Like, it's going to be hard to understand the things that you go through, even from a logical perspective.
29:37
SPEAKER_01: It's going to be very limited.
29:39
SPEAKER_01: Because a therapist who has very cultural limited competency can do more harm than good without even knowing it.
29:47
SPEAKER_01: Because that could be giving you the wrong information or the wrong guidance, especially if they're like white and you are black, like that can be risky.
29:57
SPEAKER_01: So making sure they have some level of cultural competency is important.
30:01
SPEAKER_01: Especially if you're black.
30:02
SPEAKER_01: Especially if you're black.
30:04
SPEAKER_01: Like historically, like there's real reasons why there's a lot of skepticism.
30:10
SPEAKER_01: You know, like we usually aren't given the top of the line shit.
30:15
SPEAKER_01: You know, like our resources are usually watered down if they're not coming from our own community.
30:21
SPEAKER_01: So it's real important to have people who can relate because they will know what you're going through and will know how to navigate it.
30:28
SPEAKER_01: That's someone from the outside looking in won't even know is something that you deal with or they'll deny your experience.
30:35
SPEAKER_01: And you can't have that.
30:37
SPEAKER_01: The right therapist can hold all of that and still help you heal, even if they aren't in the community with you.
30:43
SPEAKER_01: As long as they have an understanding, you're on the right path.
30:47
SPEAKER_01: A good therapist will also have some line, some boundary of professionalism.
30:53
SPEAKER_01: Like I said, me and this woman got good.
30:57
SPEAKER_01: She knew a lot about me.
30:59
SPEAKER_01: There were certain things I knew about her, but we never got too far into her because that's inappropriate.
31:05
SPEAKER_01: You are here to be my therapist.
31:08
SPEAKER_01: And she always kept a healthy boundary with that.
31:10
SPEAKER_01: I didn't have any personal numbers.
31:12
SPEAKER_01: I wasn't calling her after hours.
31:15
SPEAKER_01: I wasn't knowing more information about her.
31:17
SPEAKER_01: Like I knew she had kids, and like I knew like if she'd like go on vacation and stuff like that.
31:22
SPEAKER_01: But the family tea, no.
31:24
SPEAKER_01: There'd be sometimes she'd bring up certain things, but only when it was relevant to my situation, and it was in reference to maybe how she navigated it or how she saw it.
31:36
SPEAKER_01: And it was always like woven back into me.
31:40
SPEAKER_01: Like it wasn't just like we exchanging tea.
31:42
SPEAKER_01: Like, no, like that's not what you're here for.
31:45
SPEAKER_01: At the end of the day, this is a professional who is here to provide a service for you.
31:49
SPEAKER_01: So keeping that healthy level of distance between you two and a boundary is very important.
31:57
SPEAKER_01: I heard so many stories, you know, just I've heard a lot of stories.
32:03
SPEAKER_01: But recently a friend was like, Yeah, I had to fire my therapist because she started crying when I told her something and she wasn't even crying.
32:10
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, yeah, that's you gotta hold the line in some things.
32:14
SPEAKER_01: Now, do I believe these therapists be getting a kick out of the shit we be telling them?
32:19
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
32:20
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
32:21
SPEAKER_01: Some of this shit is good.
32:22
SPEAKER_01: We only human.
32:23
SPEAKER_01: I would love to hear some of the tea you get told in therapy, but like you gotta you gotta hold the line, you know?
32:30
SPEAKER_01: And so if a therapist is crossing that boundary, that is not a good therapist.
32:35
SPEAKER_01: This is for the I beat therapy people.
32:39
SPEAKER_01: Um, I just want to say you cannot beat, finish, complete therapy.
32:45
SPEAKER_01: It's not how it works.
32:47
SPEAKER_01: Therapy is not a course or a class that you take online for a few weeks, get your certifications and go.
32:55
SPEAKER_01: No.
32:56
SPEAKER_01: Therapy is a tool that you use all throughout your life because as you move through life, more things are happening to you.
33:03
SPEAKER_01: You're experiencing more life, maybe more traumas, maybe more unconscious beliefs are growing.
33:08
SPEAKER_01: You become new people.
33:09
SPEAKER_01: Maybe you have a kid, you turn into completely different people throughout your life, and you enter new environments and spaces that could use therapy to help you navigate it.
33:20
SPEAKER_01: So having this idea that you can finish it, unless you have a very limited life and a very limited amount of time that you're going to live, that's not the case, buddy.
33:31
SPEAKER_01: Therapy is an ongoing thing because your life is an ongoing thing.
33:36
SPEAKER_01: So let's stop saying that shit for the love of God, please.
33:40
SPEAKER_01: Because you have people confused out here.
33:42
SPEAKER_01: That's not real.
33:43
SPEAKER_01: It doesn't exist.
33:44
SPEAKER_01: You cannot beat it.
33:45
SPEAKER_01: Because it isn't something to beat, it's not a game.
33:51
SPEAKER_01: Anyway, and if you stop therapy, you can go back.
33:55
SPEAKER_01: You absolutely can go back.
33:57
SPEAKER_01: Like, even if you go when things aren't distressed or like chaotic or you're in a crisis, therapy is always good to have.
34:08
SPEAKER_01: Even if it's just for maintenance, like it's always a good tool to lean on as you move through life, as you're an adult dealing with everything that we are dealing with.
34:18
SPEAKER_01: It's always a good resource to have in your back pocket, even if it's not as consistently as if you are in distress, but good nonetheless.
34:28
SPEAKER_01: Cause this idea of thinking you've healed enough to never need support again is assuming that life ain't gone life and ain't gonna hand you your ass every now and then.
34:41
SPEAKER_01: Because we both know that ain't the case.
34:43
SPEAKER_01: Life is gonna continue to life for as long as you live.
34:46
SPEAKER_01: So why wouldn't you continue to have support?
34:50
SPEAKER_01: And lastly, having one experience with one bad therapist does not mean therapy ain't for you.
34:58
SPEAKER_01: And it don't mean that therapy is just bad.
35:02
SPEAKER_01: You had a bad therapist.
35:04
SPEAKER_01: If you had a bad meal from a restaurant, would you stop eating that meal altogether or would you stop fucking with that restaurant?
35:13
SPEAKER_01: If you bought a shirt that was too small or it had a hole in it, or you put it on, you was like, oh, actually, I don't like the way this looks on me.
35:20
SPEAKER_01: You gonna stop wearing shirts forever, or you gonna go get another shirt?
35:24
SPEAKER_01: If you went and got a car and you test drove it and you were like, Yeah, I kind of like it, but I think there's something better for me.
35:33
SPEAKER_01: I thought I was gonna like it when I was looking online and we were just looking at it on the outside, but now that I'm in it, it ain't for me.
35:40
SPEAKER_01: You never gonna drive again.
35:42
SPEAKER_01: So why is it when you try a therapist and it don't work out, you just give therapy up forever?
35:47
SPEAKER_01: That makes no sense.
35:49
SPEAKER_01: Keep shopping around.
35:50
SPEAKER_01: You gotta keep putting in the effort because nothing changes if nothing changes.
35:54
SPEAKER_01: And if you just dub it as it don't work, it don't work.
35:58
SPEAKER_01: So keep looking for people if you had a bad experience.
36:01
SPEAKER_01: If I would have given up after the first therapist, life would be looking a lot different today.
36:12
SPEAKER_01: So you gotta keep going.
36:13
SPEAKER_01: And even if I gave up after the therapist that I had for many years, like life would still look different.
36:19
SPEAKER_01: And I'm gonna keep going to therapy and keep improving and doing these things, even with the skills that I have today, even knowing all that I know, I will continue to go to therapy because I'll be stressed and I be needing support.
36:34
SPEAKER_01: I be needing guidance sometimes.
36:36
SPEAKER_01: I just need to vent, like it provides so many different opportunities of relief in different ways or support that I know how impactful it is for me.
36:48
SPEAKER_01: And I can't do that to my friends or my wife all the time because that's not healthy, you know.
36:55
SPEAKER_01: Like there are professional settings in which you can do this, and guess what?
36:59
SPEAKER_01: It's therapy, it's with a therapist.
37:02
SPEAKER_01: So get you one.
37:04
SPEAKER_01: So now let's debunk the reasons why maybe you gave up or why you think therapy isn't for you.
37:11
SPEAKER_01: Cost barrier, because this is a big one.
37:13
SPEAKER_01: I understand.
37:15
SPEAKER_01: I personally am not in this, but my situation is unique.
37:19
SPEAKER_01: Like I have a therapist, I want this therapist, I have a relationship built with this therapist, so I'm doing things and maneuvering to get back to this therapist.
37:28
SPEAKER_01: So it's not considered in these next points, okay?
37:32
SPEAKER_01: But like if everything worked out, I'd be with my therapist and in therapy today.
37:37
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
37:37
SPEAKER_01: So I'm speaking to y'all.
37:40
SPEAKER_01: All right.
37:40
SPEAKER_01: Cost.
37:41
SPEAKER_01: I get it.
37:42
SPEAKER_01: Nobody has a hundred, two hundred, one fifty, a pop to drop on no therapy.
37:49
SPEAKER_01: And not all insurances reimburse or cover you for your therapy services.
37:54
SPEAKER_01: I understand.
37:56
SPEAKER_01: There are certain people who have sliding scales if they're independent therapists.
38:00
SPEAKER_01: There are certain facilities that have sliding scales or maybe payment plans, or they work with certain insurances.
38:07
SPEAKER_01: Like there are different types of resources that can help you financially, or just provide less of a load and a financial burden on you.
38:17
SPEAKER_01: You just have to kind of shop around on top of making sure they are aligned with you.
38:23
SPEAKER_01: But that's not an excuse.
38:25
SPEAKER_01: Like, there's a lot of options.
38:26
SPEAKER_01: There's Lyra, like through your job, some jobs, most jobs, where they provide like X amount of sessions throughout the year.
38:35
SPEAKER_01: And usually that shakes out to about two a month, which is a good cadence for therapy.
38:40
SPEAKER_01: Like, there are too many options.
38:44
SPEAKER_01: I think there are grants out there.
38:46
SPEAKER_01: There's like, there's too many options to let cost be the sole reason.
38:50
SPEAKER_01: You just gotta do your research.
38:52
SPEAKER_01: A bad therapist for your first experience.
38:55
SPEAKER_01: We already touched on that.
38:56
SPEAKER_01: You can't let that stop you.
38:58
SPEAKER_01: You gotta keep that motion going.
39:00
SPEAKER_01: You gonna let one person stop you?
39:02
SPEAKER_01: Really?
39:03
SPEAKER_01: You tougher than that.
39:05
SPEAKER_01: Don't let them get that much power over you.
39:08
SPEAKER_01: Like they were a bad therapist, not you are bad for therapy or therapy is bad.
39:13
SPEAKER_01: It's exactly what it is.
39:15
SPEAKER_01: They were a bad therapist.
39:17
SPEAKER_01: Move on and get you a good one.
39:19
SPEAKER_01: Get you a great one, actually.
39:21
SPEAKER_01: Don't let one bad egg, one bad person, deter you from getting the help and the support that you deserve.
39:30
SPEAKER_01: Come on, you're worth more than that now.
39:33
SPEAKER_01: And lastly, don't think you don't need it, because you do.
39:36
SPEAKER_01: When you blow up, when something don't go your way, when you shut down and you don't want to talk to nobody, you isolate, you quick to flash, or maybe you quick to retreat into yourself, or you have some behaviors or some patterns that you know you don't like about yourself, but you just let it go, those things can be helped in therapy.
39:57
SPEAKER_01: So go out there and get you a therapist, girl, and stop making all these excuses as to why you can or why you shouldn't or why you don't need one.
40:05
SPEAKER_01: Because as soon as you start thinking that, those are more reasons as to why you do.
40:10
SPEAKER_01: Because why are you fighting it?
40:12
SPEAKER_01: The most abundant, healed, peaceful, calm version of yourself is waiting on you and is waiting on you in therapy.
40:23
SPEAKER_01: So stop fighting against yourself and start fighting for yourself.
40:28
SPEAKER_01: Because asking for help is fighting for yourself, and you deserve that.
40:32
SPEAKER_01: So stop playing and get in some therapy today.
40:38
SPEAKER_01: All right, now for the fun part.
40:41
SPEAKER_01: Let's get into this.
40:42
SPEAKER_01: I say this with love.
40:44
SPEAKER_01: As a reminder, hit that tiny URL link if you want to submit for your chance to have your information read during one of these episodes for a little mini version of therapy.
40:55
SPEAKER_01: My girlfriend and I have been together about five years.
40:57
SPEAKER_01: She's been out of work for almost seven months, so I'm covering the rent, the bills, and basically everything else around the house.
41:04
SPEAKER_01: Lately, I've had zero desire to be intimate with her.
41:07
SPEAKER_01: When she reaches for me, I feel angry and anxious, and sometimes I even flinch.
41:14
SPEAKER_01: I even regular cuddling sessions on the couch is too much right now.
41:19
SPEAKER_01: She's hurt and keeps asking if I'm still attracted to her, and I don't know what to tell her.
41:26
SPEAKER_01: Part of the disconnect is that she's controlling.
41:30
SPEAKER_01: I'm not allowed to drink, and she got upset when I wanted to pick up weekend chips at a restaurant because that environment isn't good for me.
41:40
SPEAKER_01: When my friend invited me to a concert, she said I could go only if she came too.
41:46
SPEAKER_01: Her friend groups overlap almost completely, so I feel like leaving would blow up everything.
41:53
SPEAKER_01: I also feel guilty because I know this matters to her.
41:57
SPEAKER_01: Am I the bad partner or is this relationship just done?
42:02
SPEAKER_01: I say this with love, babe.
42:05
SPEAKER_01: Your girlfriend needs therapy.
42:08
SPEAKER_01: It's not on you that she feels guilty because she can't provide anymore.
42:14
SPEAKER_01: She's lashing out.
42:15
SPEAKER_01: And I only know this because when I was in a space where I couldn't provide, I felt myself becoming distressed.
42:23
SPEAKER_01: I wouldn't do in all these extremes trying to control you because if I could guess, um, before when she had a job, she was paying for a lot of things.
42:34
SPEAKER_01: She was a provider, she was doing a lot more, and her mood was down.
42:38
SPEAKER_01: And that came with a sense of control.
42:40
SPEAKER_01: But since she's lost that, and since you bring in the money, she has no control.
42:45
SPEAKER_01: So now she's trying to pivot and have control in these other areas, and it's coming out very unhealthy and very manipulative, honestly.
42:55
SPEAKER_01: So this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.
42:59
SPEAKER_01: Now the question is: is the relationship done or are you a bad partner?
43:04
SPEAKER_01: You aren't a bad partner as this goes.
43:07
SPEAKER_01: I don't know the other dynamics that y'all got going on.
43:10
SPEAKER_01: But I don't know if the relationship is done.
43:14
SPEAKER_01: It all depends on her awareness to this and if she is willing to do the work.
43:20
SPEAKER_01: I don't think just getting income is going to resolve this because she's always going to have this trait of wanting to control you, whether monetarily or in her actions.
43:29
SPEAKER_01: So this is work that she needs to do on herself that money came by, like in that sense, you know, like she has to like get help to figure out why she's even doing this.
43:42
SPEAKER_01: So I don't know if presenting her with like, hey, you need therapy is the best option.
43:49
SPEAKER_01: But if this relationship is worth fighting for, let her know where you stand and what you feel she needs.
43:56
SPEAKER_01: And if she isn't willing to do that, then maybe the relationship's done.
44:02
SPEAKER_01: Maybe she'll understand one day.
44:04
SPEAKER_01: But yeah, there needs to be some sort of like uh conversation.
44:08
SPEAKER_01: Like, hey, you need help, ma'am.
44:10
SPEAKER_01: And if she does have therapists, she might need a new one because that we need to identify these things.
44:16
SPEAKER_01: Because a good therapist could see that a mile away, just like I did.
44:20
SPEAKER_01: So yeah, take with that what you will.
44:24
SPEAKER_01: All right, y'all.
44:25
SPEAKER_01: That's it for today's episode.
44:27
SPEAKER_01: As a reminder, follow us on social media, hit us on the email for all inquiries, and visit that tiny URL link for all I say this with love submissions.
44:36
SPEAKER_01: I would like to say this was the end of me talking about therapy in any of my episodes, but I will never, never not talking about it because it's so impactful and important in my life, and I know how important and impactful and significant it can be in anybody else's life.
44:54
SPEAKER_01: So I will continue to preach to get into therapy as soon as you can.
45:00
SPEAKER_01: But regardless, I appreciate y'all for sticking around and just hearing me yap on a weekly basis, especially on this topic.
45:07
SPEAKER_01: Because you know, I'm gonna talk about some therapy.
45:09
SPEAKER_01: And as always, I'm RJ.
45:11
SPEAKER_01: This has been the Alive I Guess podcast, and I'll see y'all same time next week.